04x23 - Girls Will Be Boys

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC PLAYING - EARLE HAGEN, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW THEME"]

ANNOUNCER: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Hi.

What do you want?

Oh, Millie.

Gee, I'm glad I caught you.

Well make it quick.

I gotta be at the crosswalk at 12:30.

I'm on duty for going back from lunch and coming home.

Yeah, I know and I figured since you're

gonna be at the school anyway would you kind of keep

a special eye on Ritchie?

Has he been selling his lunch to the other kids again?

No, but he's come home with bruises twice this week.

He says it's from playing ball, but I have

a feeling he's been fighting.

Well, my Freddy hardly ever fights, but boy

what he writes on sidewalks.

I gotta wash his hands out with soap.

Hi, mom.

Hey, Rich!

Come back here.

You're supposed to be eating lunch at school.

What are you doing home?

I don't know.

Ritchie, why are you hiding your fa-, Ritchie, what hap-,

you've been fighting!

No, I just got b*at up.

Ah Rich, and they broke the bill of your lucky cap too.

Rich, who did it?

Ritchie, who did it?

Millie maybe I better talk to him alone.

Oh, OK. All right.

I see you later.

Rich, come on honey, now.

Forgot my sign.

Now Ritchie, tell me what happened.

You'll tell Aunt Millie.

No I won't, dear.

Look, it's a third time this week you've come home bruised

and I want to know the truth.

Now who have you been fighting with?

Was it Freddy?

Teddy Sooler?

Rich, was it a bunch of kids?

Honey, this is mom.

You can tell me.

Ritchie, who's been b*ating you up?

Priscilla Darwell.

[music playing]

What'd he say?

He keeps insisting that Priscilla Darwell is

b*ating him up for no reason.

He has no idea why?

According to him it's just unprovoked punching.

I just don't see how she could do that.

Well, it's easy.

She just walks up and belts him, that's all.

But honey, he won't hit back.

I've taught him never to hit a girl.

He's too much of a gentleman.

Well, she's no lady.

She bent his bill.

Huh?

The bill on his baseball cap.

Look it's ripped to shreds.

Boy, she must be a biter too.

Look at those teeth marks.

Yeah, and that can be dangerous.

What, getting bitten on a hat?

No, she probably aimed for his nose and missed.

You know, I could be wrong but somehow

I have the sneaking suspicion that Ritchie's

not telling us everything.

What do you mean?

Well honey, you know how he makes

things up once in a while.

Like, every time he has to kiss grandma he gets chapped lips,

you know.

Well, why would he make this up?

I mean, being beaten up by a girl makes him a sissy,

and whoever heard of a boy saying

he was a sissy on purpose?

A lot of guys in the army tried it.

Pretending they were cowards and things like that.

Now maybe he's getting to be a coward.

Oh, he is not.

He beats up Freddy.

Yeah, Freddy's smaller.

Heavier.

Yeah, but Freddy's uncoordinated.

He hasn't got that--

Rob, our son is a terrible liar.

That's what I think.

No, I mean he's a terrible liar.

He doesn't tell lies well.

I know when he is lying, Rob, and he wasn't about this girl.

Well, maybe you're right.

Well, I don't know what to do about it.

I never had problems like that when I was a kid.

I got slapped by girls a few times

but I never got beaten up.

What'd you get slapped for?

Well, usual things.

What usual things?

Well, I don't know.

I know one time at a high school dance

Margie Woolet slapped me because I said her slip was showing.

Is that all?

Well, I said it on a loudspeaker.

Full of ginger, weren't you.

I still am, baby, but I don't get beaten up.

Rob, we've got to do something.

I think maybe we should get in touch with this girl's parents.

You know them?

No, but they, well they're probably in the phone book.

Look, we could call them and then you

could go over there tonight.

Tonight?

Rob, Ritchie is scared to go to school tomorrow.

Oh, he didn't tell me that.

No, of course not.

He tells you the brave things.

When he's chicken he talks to me.

All right, Mrs. Spock.

Let's see.

Darwell, Darwell.

Gotta be in the book, right?

Oh here, there are two.

Ralph Darwell and Ogden Darwell.

Oh boy, I hope it's Ralph.

Here are the numbers.

Oh, boy.

You sure I can't just talk a little bit on the phone?

No, I think you should do it in person.

Hello.

Well, hello there.

Is your mommy or daddy home?

Is it the--

I think it's a boy.

Uh, are you a boy?

It's a boy and his mommy's in the bathtub.

Sonny, is, uh, is your name Darwell?

Well, hol-, hey-- he went to ask his mother.

[whistles] Little boy.

Hey, hi Sonny.

Listen, yeah, I know, I know your mommy's in the bathtub.

Maybe you can help me.

I just wanted to ask you, uh, do you have a sister?

But-- hello, little boy!

He went to ask his mother again.

Well, it's probably not the right Darwell.

Little boy.

Hello.

That's right.

I know your mommy can't come to the phone.

I just want to ask you a question, do you have a sister?

A sister. .

No, a-- No look, is there somebody

who lives at your house who looks like your mother who,

but is smaller?

No, not your grandma.

Uh, oh hello.

Listen, I'm terribly sorry to get you out of the bathtub.

Mrs. Darwell?

Yeah, I will, that's right.

Listen, I just wanted to ask you if you had

a little girl named Priscilla.

Hello?

Hello?

Boy, people get mean when they're wet.

Looks like you're stuck with Ogden.

Uh, Mr. Darwell?

Yes, come in. Come in.

You must be Mr. Petrie, what.

That's right.

Have any difficulty finding the place?

No, none at all.

Good show.

Sit down, won't you, in my, uh, personal chair.

Oh, thank you very much.

It's a wonderful chair that, you know, wonderful.

Wife hates it.

Moves it every time I leave the room.

Oh.

Look, I'm, uh, terribly sorry to bother you.

No, no, no. It's no bother.

I just wish the wife was here.

She's, uh, she's gone to night school.

Oh, knight school.

Studying to become a knight, huh?

I, uh, I beg your pardon?

Well, you know, knight.

Arthur's round table and all.

You know, your English.

Well, of course you know that.

Yes, well anyway.

Can I offer you anything?

Coffee, drink?

Oh no, nothing.

All I want-- boy, that's quite a chair.

Yes, isn't it wonderful, and, uh, watch this.

It vibrates too.

Yeah.

Now, uh, let me offer you some candy, imported raspberry sour

balls from England, you know.

Well, I, I, actually I don't care.

Uh, Mr. Darwell, how do you turn this off?

Hmm?

Oh, yes, yes.

Turned it off a minute ago.

That says off there, doesn't it?

No, no. It's this top one.

Well, I believe that, that that's the top, isn't it?

Oh, yes, yes.

From your point of view it could be the top, you see.

There we are. Yes.

- Ah, boy. - Knight!

Knight school. Yes, I see.

Funny joke, what.

Oh, can I give you, uh.

This the way.

Here we go.

Oops, I'm terribly sorry.

Quite all right.

I'll, uh, I'll get them later.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, uh, well.

You, uh, thank you.

You didn't say on the phone exactly what the trouble was

between Ritchie and Priscilla.

Well Mr. Darwell, our children have been fighting.

But, uh, your child is a male.

I mean, he's a boy, isn't he?

Well, my male is, is a boy.

I have a, Rich, I have a boy.

And they've been fighting?

Yes.

That's very odd.

I mean, Priscilla hasn't come home hurt or anything.

Well, that's, that's because she's winning.

You mean, uh, you mean, my daughter, uh, my daughter

can b*at up your son, huh?

By George.

Oh.

You see it isn't exactly like that.

But with just a couple of the boys roughing it up

Ritchie can take care of himself,

but he, he won't hit a girl.

I taught him not to hit a girl.

Yes, yes, of course. Stupid of me.

Stupid. Yes, yes.

Well, I mean, I see your difficulty.

Uh, is there any reason that you know of?

Uh, no, no.

My son doesn't think so.

Huh.

Well look here, I want to get to the bottom of this right now.

Smart's the word, quick's the action, what.

You bet.

Priscilla, would you mind coming down, please.

I remember a similar incident when I was

in a foxhole in North Africa.

My sergeant said to me-- oh, there you are, precious.

What is it, Daddy?

Uh, this is, uh, Priscilla, this is Mr. Petrie.

Oh, hello.

Are you Ritchie Petrie's father?

Yes, he is.

Now my dear, this is rather important.

What's been going on between you and Ritchie?

Nothing, Daddy.

You haven't been fighting Ritchie?

Oh no, Daddy.

I love Ritchie.

Well, Priscilla, you mean, you didn't hit my son?

No, Mr. Petrie.

Now tell the truth, my dear.

Nobody here is going to punish you.

But I am, Daddy.

Priscilla, what about this hat?

Oh, that's Ritchie's hat.

That's right.

You see the, the front is all broken.

Did you do that?

No, Mr. Petrie.

I love Ritchie.

There.

Run along, my dear.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Good night, Mr. Petrie.

It was very nice meeting you.

Goodnight, Priscilla.

Well, uh, she look like a bully, what?

Huh?

No.

No, she, uh, doesn't.

I, not at all.

I'm afraid that my son's been fibbing to me.

Mr. Darwell, I'm terribly embarrassed about this.

Oh why, just because your son fibbed a little, eh.

What, what, what?

Yeah that, and I just, uh, crushed

a sour ball on your carpet.

I'm awfully sorry.

Yes.

Well, if you'll follow me I'll see

you safely off the premises.

I still think I outta go in there

and have a talk with Ritchie.

Oh Rob, no.

I gave him a couple of aspirin.

Let's not wake him up.

Well, they say people don't sleep well when they

have a lie on their conscience.

What are you doing?

Well, I crushed a sour ball on his carpet.

I'm just getting rid of it.

He lying.

Ritchie is lying, honey.

Rob, how can you be sure?

If you had seen that cute little Priscilla

you would know who was telling the truth, and her father,

he's got an English accent.

So?

Well honey, he's a regular Bengal Lancer.

They don't lie.

All right.

All right.

Either, either Ritchie has made up this whole silly story,

or it's the Gumhead Godfrey story all over again.

Who's Gumhead Godfrey?

Well, he's just a rotten kid that I went to high school

with.

You know, he secretly put chewing gum in our hair.

Secretly?

Well, he put it in our caps when we weren't looking.

So what's that got to do with Ritchie?

Well, one day Gumhead got me, ruined my pompadour.

I b*at him up, and I told him if he told who did

it I'd b*at him up even worse.

[doorbell chimes]

So you think that some tough boy b*at Ritchie up and then

made him promise not to tell.

That's all I can figure.

Rob, I know when my son's lying and he's not about this.

- Huh. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi, Mil.

Hey listen, did you guys find out

who's b*ating up Ritchie yet?

Well, we thought we did.

Well, I know.

Now, I don't want to butt in, but I

think I ought to tell you. - Who is it?

- Guess. - Oh, Millie!

Priscilla Darwell.

How do you know?

Well, my Freddy was there and he saw the whole fight.

Well, there goes the Gumhead Godfrey theory.

And I'm glad to see it go.

Who's Gumhead Godfrey.

How do you like that.

He was telling the truth.

And I hope you're ashamed of yourself

for thinking your own son's a liar.

I am, honey.

Who's Gumhead Godfrey?

I'll have to speak to Ogden again.

Good.

Maybe you can go over there tomorrow and talk to him.

Who's Ogden?

Boy, I hate to admit it, that little blue-eyed

miniature Ma Barker fooled me!

Who's Ma Barker?

[music playing]

Boy, I'd sure like to help you,

Rob, but every time I think about this little girl b*ating

up your kid it breaks me up.

Breaks you up, huh.

That a little girl can b*at up a little boy?

Yeah.

What kind of sense of humor is that?

Perverted.

Would be kind of funny if it wasn't so serious.

Rob, why don't you just come out and tell this Darwell guy?

Well, how do you tell an English gentleman

that his little girl is a bully and a liar.

You say, (FAKES ENGLISH ACCENT) here, here governor.

Your daughter is a bully and a liar.

Do you ever notice that when Buddy has absolutely nothing

to say, he usually says it.

Well, but first time with an accent.

You know, I think you're making a whole thing out of nothing.

Well, so what.

A lot, a lot of girls hit little boys.

Gee, when I was a little kid there was one girl

b*ating me up all the time.

Really?

My mother.

Cut it out, Ma.

Oh, come on.

[phone rings]

Hey, bet that's Ogden.

You better British up.

Yeah.

Hello.

Oh hi, honey.

Honey?

Well, I knew we were friendly with England

but that's ridiculous.

Yeah.

Listen, how's Rich?

Priscilla again!

Oh, doggone it.

We gotta do something about that little league mugger.

Good idea, honey.

No, I agree with you.

Go right ahead.

Fine, just call me back.

All right.

Bye.

Well, my problem's solved.

I don't have to say anything to Darwell.

Why?

Cause Laura's gonna do it.

And little Ritchie came home and said Prissy hit him?

That's right, Mrs. Darwell.

It's happened several times now so I'm a little

upset about the whole thing.

Well, you have every right to be upset.

Oh, I'm so glad you feel that way.

I was afraid you wouldn't understand.

Well, of course I understand.

Lying in a boy Ritchie's age can be very serious.

Lying?

But if I were you, I wouldn't punish him.

Sometimes a few sweets work wonders.

Sweets.

Uh, Mrs. Darwell, I don't think you understand why I came here.

Oh, to talk about Ritchie and find out

why he's lying about my Prissy.

No, no.

No, to talk about Priss-, Priscilla, and find out

why she's b*ating up my son.

Oh, my little girl doesn't b*at up anyone, Mrs. Petrie.

Your husband was over the other night

and, uh, she told him she didn't do it.

Mrs. Darwell, I don't quite know how to say this to you,

but your daughter is lying.

That kid doesn't lie.

You see, one of my neighbor's children saw her hit Ritchie,

Mrs. Darwell.

I don't think this bickering will get us anywhere.

Well, I don't like to argue either,

but I, I, maybe if I could talk to Priscilla.

Why?

Well, because you and I aren't settling anything--

Mrs. Petrie, young mothers like you

often have problems with their children,

but don't worry, they grow up.

[timer buzzes]

Oh, my Yorkshire pudding.

Do let out, dear.

Mrs. D-, Uh.

Oh, uh, hello there.

Uh, Mr. Darwell?

Yes, are you, uh, waiting for me or my wife?

Uh, no, uh, your wife.

Oh, well, uh, hang on a sec, would you.

Well, I--

Hello, uh, Dolly.

Uh, I'm alone in here with a very attractive young lady.

Oh, is she still here?

Yes, I'm still here, Mrs. Darwell, but I,

I won't be back.

Now if you and your husband can't keep your daughter

from b*ating up my son, then my husband and I will

have to handle it ourselves.

Oh, you must be Mrs. Petrie, what.

Well, I thought the whole matter was settled, you know.

It is all settled.

Now don't say another word, Oggie.

Mrs. Petrie seems to think we teach

our daughter to hit people.

Well, my dear--

Don't argue with her.

I've tried to be friendly and help her, but with some people

you just can't be nice.

Nice!

Mrs. Darwell, you may not be the rudest person I have ever met,

but you are certainly in the top two.

[music playing]

Some people are very attractive when they're angry.

Oh.

Not her though.

So it's obvious the Darwells aren't going

to do anything about this problem, which

leaves it entirely up to us.

And which leaves poor little Ritchie right in the middle.

If he doesn't fight back Priscilla

is going to m*rder him, and he knows if he hits her back we'll

punish him for hitting a girl.

But we've tried everything else, honey.

I think the only thing left to do is let him hit her back.

Oh Rob, is that really the only way?

Well, yeah.

If you, unless you want to have a free for all.

You and me against Ogden and Dolly.

Oh, no.

Hit a girl.

You mean, actually give him permission to hit her.

We'll tell him this is very special permission

for the one occasion.

Well, I guess it's the only thing we can do.

Yeah, it is.

Call him out and tell him.

Me?

Why me?

Well honey, it's a mother's place to tell

a little boy to hit a girl.

What makes it a mother's place?

The father who tells the mother that it's her place.

Darling, please do it.

I just can't.

All right, call your son out here.

Ritchie.

What do you want, Mom?

Uh, honey, Daddy wants to talk to you for a minute.

Sit down, son.

Rich, uh, Priscilla is still hitting you for no reason, huh?

Uh-huh.

And you can't, you can't avoid her?

No.

Well Rich, the next time she starts to hit you I want,

want you to tell her if she does you're gonna hit her back.

I always tell her that, Daddy, but she knows I won't do it.

All right, but you tell her this time

that if she's gonna hit you your father gave you

permission to defend yourself.

You mean, I can hit her?

Well, yeah.

Oh, boy!

Ritchie, you don't have to be so happy about it.

Oh, boy.

Now Rich, I want you to understand one thing.

Your mother and I have agreed that this is special permission

for this one special occasion, and only if she starts it Rich.

Anything else we ever said about being a gentleman still holds.

I understand, Daddy.

Boy, am I gonna give it to her.

Ritchie.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, am I gonna give it to her.

[music playing]

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

I came home early.

Is Rich home?

No.

Well, I was just kind of anxious, you know, to see--

Go ahead. Say it.

Well, I wanted to know if our rough tough son

would take our advice and rip a little girl to shreds.

Oh, god.

You didn't have to say it that way.

We did tell him not to hit her hard.

I haven't felt so guilty since I gave Buddy

a joke to insult Mel with.

And I shouldn't feel guilty should I?

No, Ritchie tried to turn the other cheek

but she scratched both of them.

Rob, what happens if Ritchie hits her

and she still beats him up?

Honey, she couldn't do that.

I mean, Ritchie's pretty good.

You know, she's just a little girl.

I taught Rich-- we have another problem.

Well, I don't know whether I want him to come home

the conquering hero or not.

You don't want to lose do you?

I don't know what I want.

It's late.

Do you think maybe I ought to call the school?

Oh honey, no, you can't.

Only thing we can do is sit here and wait.

I'm gonna drive over by the school.

I'm wanna come.

Hi, Rich!

It's Rich!

Yeah, hi!

Bye, I'm gonna go play with Freddy.

Hold it!

Uh, gee you look, uh, pretty good son, hardly a mark on you

there.

I guess you didn't see Priscilla, huh?

Yeah, I did.

Well, did she, did she try to hit you?

Uh-huh.

And then you told her you'd hit her back, huh?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'll bet that scared her and she ran away, huh?

No.

She socked me in the throat.

She, she socked you in your throat!

Yeah, here.

Well, so then you--

No, I didn't.

What did you do?

I kissed her.

- You kissed her! - Uh-huh.

Can I go play with Freddy? - Wait a minute.

Wait.

You didn't hit her?

I tried to give her a punch, but I can't hit a girl.

So you kissed her?

She asked me to.

She asked you to.

She asks me every day.

She says, kiss me or I'll hit you.

Ritchie, is that why she's been hitting you

because you wouldn't kiss her?

I guess so.

I'll be darned.

She said she loved Ritchie.

I guess she does.

Well Rich, why didn't you tell us this?

Oh, I forgot.

You forgot?

Rob, wait a minute.

Honey, was is it that you didn't wanna tell us?

I guess so.

Well, why Rich?

Oh, it's too icky to tell.

I never kissed a girl before.

Well, you kiss Mommy.

That's not the same.

Well, yes it is.

No, it isn't.

Don't confuse him, honey.

Rich, what happened when you kissed her?

It worked good.

She said I kiss dopey.

You kiss dopey?

Isn't that great?

I guess so.

I'm glad I kiss dopey.

Can I go play with Freddy?

Yeah honey, go ahead.

What happened?

I don't know.

I guess it's all over, huh?

How do you kiss dopey?

Don't you know how to kiss dopey?

No.

I'll show you how to kiss dopey.

Come here. - Oh, Rob.

Millie, if you do see him will you send him right home?

No, it's just that whenever he comes home late

he comes home bloody.

The later the bloodier.

Hang on just a second.

I think I hear him.

No, it's just Rob.

Just Rob?

I'll call you back, Millie.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

What's the matter?

Rob, Ritchie was supposed to be home an hour ago.

Well, it's still early.

Yeah, I know, except that I told him to come right home

from school because I wanted him to take a bath

and I wanted to shampoo his hair.

Bath and shampoo.

He may never come home, honey.

Yeah.

Run for the bathroom if you value your life.

Ritchie, come here this mi--

Ritchie, you're bleeding.

Have you been fighting again?

Ritchie, with whom? What about?

Priscilla.

You've been fighting with Priscilla?

No, about Priscilla.

What?

She told three guys that I kissed her so they call

me a sissy and I b*at them up.

You, uh, you b*at three guys up?

Rob!

Ritchie, that's terrible.

That rotten old Priscilla.

I hate her.

Rich, I want you to understand and listen

to what I'm saying to you now.

Someday when you're a big boy, some girl

is gonna want to kiss you and you're not gonna hate her,

and she's gonna kiss you and you're gonna like it.

I like it now.

You do?

Yeah, it's fun.

I just hate Priscilla for telling everybody.

Come on, Rich.

Uh, honey, I think that boy's old enough

to shampoo his own hair.

[MUSIC PLAYING - EARLE HAGEN, "THE d*ck VAN d*ke SHOW THEME"]