05x02 - A Farewell to Writing

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

ROB: (SINGING) Over hill, over dale.

(SINGING) Millie Helper brought the mail.

Oh, thank you.

ROB: (SINGING) And those caissons for singing--

- Swinging. - Rolling.

Oh, butt out, will you?

Oh, look.

Another fascinating selection from the book club.

Last month, we got the history of the tubeless tire.

Hmm.

Listen. Don't quit.

We quit two years ago, and now we get

more books than we did before.

Hey, this isn't from the book club.

It's from Harvey Bellman.

Huh?

He's a friend of Rob's.

"The Day of the Sky" by Harvey Bellman.

He got it published.

Hey, you remember Harvey.

No, I don't know him.

Oh, sure, you do.

Remember he came to that anniversary party

of ours, made the crazy toast?

Oh, yeah.

He tried to throw his glass in the fireplace.

- Yeah. - From the bedroom.

That's the one.

Hey, darling, come here.

Just a minute, honey.

I think I hit the plumbing.

Boy, he sure was a wild character.

He was so-- so--

Earthy?

Well, I was going to say dirty.

Gee, a real novel.

I've never known anybody who wrote a novel before.

Well, sure you do.

Rob's writing a book.

Yeah, well, Rob's book is like Jerry's guitar.

It stays in the closet.

Aw.

Hey, honey, you've got to see what I did.

Hey, come here.

Guess what.

No, you guess first.

You know what I did with my very own hands?

Fertilized the bushes.

No, I dug a hole-- perfectly round hole.

You've got to come out and see it.

Take a look at that.

Harvey Bellman's novel.

Isn't that wonderful?

That son of a g*n.

He did it.

Hey, I didn't even look.

I bet it's dedicated to you.

Why would he dedicate it to Rob?

Well, Rob's the one who kept him going.

No kidding.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what did you do?

Well, every time Harvey said he wanted to quit,

Rob kept saying, you can do it, Harv.

You can do it.

And, boy, he sure did.

He lent him money and everything.

Boy, you're a real patron of the arts.

"I lovingly dedicate this book to Alice,

Minnie, Charlie, and Chick."

Those his kids?

No, his cats.

Gee, Rob, those cats should have been you.

"The Day of the Sky" by Harvey Bellman.

What a dirty rat.

Why is he a dirty rat?

Uh, Millie, you want to give me a hand in the kitchen?

Why is he a rat?

Millie.

Why is he a dirty rat?

231 pages.

Boy, you people are moody.

One minute we're singing, and the next minute

we're going in the kitchen. - Millie.

I'm coming.

Hey, darling, you want to take some time out for lunch?

I'll eat lunch tonight.

How is it?

I'll tell you something.

It's good.

It's darn good.

Listen to what he wrote here in the front.

"Dear Bones--" that's me.

I used to be very thin.

I know.

It says, "Thanks for kicking me in the conscience.

You're a beauty, guy.

If I get any bread from this book,

I'll pay you back everything.

Harvey.

PS, if you ever want to use my cabin at Lake Pushneck, yell.

It's a perfect place for a novelist to nov."

That Harvey Bellman is all right.

Rob, you have absolutely no reason to be jealous.

Honey, I'm not jealous.

You're envious.

Green with it.

I'm going to write a novel.

But you are a writer.

And a good one, too.

Then how come I'm sitting here reading somebody

else's book instead of my own?

Well, you're still working on your book.

Yeah?

Why am I spending my vacation out there digging holes?

Unnecessary holes.

You seemed so happy.

I fooled you, too.

I was obviously digging that hole to bury my guilt.

What guilt?

My guilt about not finishing my novel, honey.

I'm not a writer.

You are, too.

Yeah, what do I write?

Television.

Well, that's not a real book.

Honey, I'm not-- I'm not a writer that you read.

I'm a-- I'm a writer that other people say what I wrote.

Well, darling, you'll finish your novel someday.

Yeah, I'll finish my novel like

Jerry Helper's going to learn to play "Malagueña" on a guitar.

Oh.

Honey, I'm going to finish my book.

I mean it.

I'm going to show that dirty rat.

Darling, will you stop calling Harvey a dirty rat?

Don't defend him.

This dirty rat is my inspiration.

I love him.

All right.

I've got three more weeks.

I'll finish all the chapters in three weeks.

All right?

You really mean it?

Yeah, I sure do mean it, honey.

I'll clean off the desk in-- in the, uh, den.

I have to buy a lot of paper and a lot of pencils.

You don't have to buy it, darling.

We have paper and pencils. - Well, I know.

But it's not new.

Everything's got to be brand new.

My notes.

All my notes, honey.

Where are those napkins and matchbooks?

Oh, I put them in the shoe box.

Good, good.

Honey, I'm ready.

I'm going to do it this time.

I'm going to start right now.

I don't want to be disturbed for anything, not even meals.

Slide them under the door.

Oh, well, we're having roast turkey.

Well, slice it thin.

Yeah, we'd love to play bridge.

But Millie will be my partner, OK?

Well, Rob's writing his book, and

Jerry's practicing his guitar.

Your husband and his book.

He's got everybody's guilts going.

Who needs a flamenco dentist?

OK.

We'll see you then.

Bye bye.

Gee, Laura.

I don't need all that.

I'm only having six people.

Well, you never know.

Did you say something?

Oh, hi, Rob.

Hi. Look.

I got to get back to work.

How is he today?

Well, to tell you the truth, I think he's having

a hard time getting started.

He's still getting started?

It's been three days.

Well, I guess it isn't easy.

I don't need the salad bowls.

Who's coming to this thing, anyway?

Oh, everyone.

Harry and Sylvia and Frank and Lucille.

Oh, boy.

Those two couples.

- They still fighting? - Are you kidding?

It won't be a dinner.

It'll be a regular roller derby.

Hey, whatever happened to Sylvia you-know-who.

Oh, that.

Did I tell you the latest?

No.

Well, she got herself a new hairdresser down

in the village.

You know, Mr. Carlos?

Oh, yes.

Well, one day she goes down there for a wash and a set.

Yeah.

And who comes out but Mr. Carlos himself.

Yeah.

And he is handsome.

I mean, he is handsome.

LAURA: I know.

I've heard.

Well, he says he can't take her right away,

see. (QUIETLY) So she goes in the back

and sits down [inaudible].

You're kidding.

Is that-- is that the guy with the red station wagon?

I-- I came out--

I had to get a book.

Look, will you hold it down in here?

I'm trying to work.

Why don't we go talk in the kitchen, Millie?

No, I'd rather go home.

This house is no fun anymore.

Well, I'll give you a hand.

No, don't bother.

I'll come back.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

No, Tommy, Ritchie's not home.

OK, dear.

Bye bye.

Who was it?

Who was what?

On the phone.

Oh, it was for Ritchie.

Honey, why do those kids have to keep

calling up for Ritchie here?

Because he lives here.

Anyway, darling, I told you I'd get the phone.

Well, I know, but I'm back there,

and I keep wondering who it is.

You know, when I'm in the den, I can

hardly hear the phone ringing.

Well, if you stand right by the door, you can.

Rob, I thought you were going to be working.

I am working, honey.

Standing is working.

Sitting is working.

Pacing is writing.

Any-- I do my best thinking then.

OK, darling.

Looking out the window, that's writing.

Brushing your teeth is writing.

Anything is writing.

The hardest writing is the showering.

Darling, you know the one thing that's not writing?

What?

Explaining to your wife what writing is.

Honey, not now.

I've got to get to work.

I'll tell you what, darling.

I'll put the phone on the slowest ring,

and I'll lay it here on the couch under the pillow.

And that way you won't hear a thing.

Good idea.

Back again.

Hi.

How's it going?

Pretty rough, huh?

What?

The novel.

Oh, well, Millie, you can't say, you know,

when a novel is going good or going bad.

Because it's a very delicate, complicated thing.

Hemingway once wrote an article about the creative process.

And he said he felt that if you're expressing--

Darling, you're explaining again.

Yeah.

Well, bye.

Oh, listen.

Don't take the ice bucket.

With Frank and Lucille, everything's on the rocks,

including their marriage.

Well, does that about do it?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, the meat thermometer.

I could use that.

Millie, why don't you buy one of those?

I did.

You got it.

I've got to buy one of those.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hello?

I thought the phone rang.

That's funny because at my house, it goes, ring.

Millie, that's on a soft ring.

Rob, are you out here again?

Well, I thought--

I thought I heard the phone ring.

Well, darling, I tell you what.

The next time you think you hear it ring, think I got it, OK?

Oh, OK.

Boy, it sure is hard to get something down on paper.

What was that?

The refrigerator defrosting.

You want to answer it?

Rob, what are you doing?

Working.

Working?

Or sleeping?

Honey, I'm not sleeping.

I'm thinking.

For a change, I'm finally getting something done tonight.

No distraction.

Why did you have to wear that?

What's wrong with this?

Well, honey, it's the most blatant distraction yet.

How do you expect me to work when you look like that?

I'm sorry, darling.

Would you go put on some curlers or some cold cream

or something?

Oh, come on now.

Aren't you being kind of silly?

Well, I-- honey, I-- doggone it, I couldn't work all day.

I waited to work tonight.

Now I can't work at night.

I'll work tomorrow.

Boy, Rob, I don't know what to do anymore.

I've tried my level best to make this house as comfortable

as possible for you.

Have you?

Yes!

I've done everything but reroute the traffic.

The whole neighborhood's like a hospital zone.

That's it.

I can hear everybody being quiet.

It's too comfortable here.

Maybe I ought to get a garret and starve a little bit.

Hey, you know, that's not a bad idea.

What?

Starving's a good idea?

No, but how about Harvey's cabin?

You want me to go up to Harvey's cabin?

Well, he said you could use it.

You want me to go away?

Well, yes, I do.

By myself?

Darling, is this book important to you?

Well, you know it is.

Well, then I want you to go to the cabin.

Oh, now come on.

You know darn well you don't want me to go.

Rob, I do.

Are you being honest?

I'll show you.

What's she up to?

What are you doing?

You know how you hate to pack?

I'm going to pack for you so you can leave

first thing in the morning.

Are you kicking me out?

Uh-huh.

You know something?

You're a smart lady.

Up there, it'll just be me and that typewriter

and nothing to disturb me.

You know something? I married good.

The best.

Here we are.

Just cleaned it up a couple of days ago.

[whistling]

Oh, boy, this is great.

Oh, I can't wait to get to work.

You known Mr. Bellman long?

Oh, we've been friends a long time.

What do you do?

Oh, I'm a writer.

Uh-huh.

Harvey has got a nice place here.

You a weirdo?

No, I don't think so.

Good.

We got enough weirdos around here.

Painters, poets, writers.

You know what I mean?

Well, no, not really.

OK.

Take the couple up at the top of the hill.

Lowell and Francine [inaudible] artists.

Huh!

Troublemakers, that's what they are.

What do they do?

Every year, they come into town

and break up our square dance.

Well, how do they do that?

They're nudists.

It's a darn shame, too.

Good dancers.

Well, if you need me for anything,

you can always find me down at Phil's Tavern.

Sopping up the suds.

See you later.

Well, just a second.

Thanks for your help. - No, that's all right.

- No, I want you to have it. - No, that's OK.

I insist.

No, please.

Now come on--

Happy?

I'm sorry.

I-- I didn't mean to do that.

I--

Well, now I'll take it.

Oh, what a Christmas card.

"Season greetings from Lowell and Francine [inaudible]..

[whistling]

It must be cold in that snow.

OK.

Let's get to work.

OK.

All the notes.

My unfinished masterpiece.

Let's see.

Plenty of good paper.

Plenty of pencils.

All right.

Let's get down to work.

[whistling]

I can't wait to get started.

Boy, this is nice.

Laura was right.

OK.

This is it.

Now this is it.

210, 211, 212, 213--

213.

I broke my own record.

Somebody.

Boy, oh, boy.

Harvey must have wasted a lot of time with this.

I don't know how he ever got any work done.

Well, I've got to get started.

OK.

What is the matter with me?

I've got to write.

OK.

Look at those nails.

Yuck.

Gee.

I wonder if he's got a brush or something.

No, I'm not.

I'm going to sit down here and write.

Doggone it.

OK.

[typing]

That's a good sentence.

Hey, that's a very good sentence.

All right now.

This is-- sh**t.

Well, just lay there.

I'm going to write.

Darn.

OK.

The floor must be warped or everything's.

Everything's on a slant.

Yeah, I'm typing uphill.

Boy, that can make you sick at your stomach.

Yeah, everything is-- say--

yeah, that's a little more like it now.

All right.

Right when it's hot, everything has to go.

I'm not going to try and fix that.

I've got to write when I can write.

When you're hot, you can write anywhere, any time,

any place, on anything.

Almost.

I'll just jack up the typewriter, that's all.

That's good.

[whistling]

[inaudible] McCoy, all right.

I wonder what he sh**t with those.

OK.

Now.

He's got [inaudible] in there.

Man, that is a--

isn't that a beautiful sight?

I'm going to try this.

Who would have thought?

Isn't that heavy?

[laughing]

Oh, this feels nice.

[laughing]

He would have been dead then.

Say, glad I didn't live in those days.

Ooh!

Ow.

How did they do that?

Why did they do that?

Ow!

OK, bartender.

I'd like to buy an unfinished novel.

I've got to get back to work.

What am I doing?

I'm an idiot.

OK.

Let's write something.

Ha, ha!

Ha!

Ah.

Now.

Crate will never get off the ground.

OK.

It works!

Boy, my wife is smart for sending me up here to write.

I'll k*ll her.

No, I won't.

First, I'm going to write a dedication to her for the book.

And then I'll k*ll her.

[crashing sound outside]

Hey, Horace!

HORACE: What's that?

Hey!

Hi, Horace.

I just dropped off a load of wood.

Oh, I see. Come in a second.

Oh, no. I don't want to bother you.

You've got company.

No, I haven't got anybody here.

Nobody at all.

Oh, I thought I heard you talking to someone.

No, just talking to myself.

Well, I've got to get going.

Stay around a little while and talk to me, will you?

It gets so quiet up here.

A guy could go crazy.

Oh?

Oh, hey, did you ever-- did you ever play paddle-ball?

Not lately.

Well, I did 210 before.

210 straight. - That's nice.

I guess you're wondering why I'm wearing these g*ns.

Oh, no.

No, sir.

They're very becoming.

Well, I guess I'll let you get back to work now.

Oh, I'm not working.

That's one thing I have been doing is working.

Well, I thought you wanted to finish your book.

Oh, no. Listen.

What's important?

A friendship or a book? Come on.

Stay just a little while.

Have-- have lunch.

Or dinner, any meal you want.

Uh, OK.

OK.

We can have a little party.

I got a jug out in the car.

I'll go get it.

Can I go now?

Oh, yeah.

Go ahead.

Hot dog, boy, company.

[laughing]

I wonder if I overdid that.

[car starting]

Yeah, I overdid it, all right.

I guess he thinks I'm some kind of a weirdo or something.

I think so, too.

I think I'm a weirdo.

Laura, that's why you wanted Rob to go up to the cabin.

He wanted to be alone.

Yeah, but, Millie, I'm sure it's not going well.

How do you know?

Because if it were going well, he'd be reading

every word on the phone to me.

Last night when he called, he never even mentioned the book.

Well, give him a chance.

It's only been three days.

Millie, I'm not sure he wanted to go up there at all.

Well, you didn't force him to go.

I think I did.

I'm the one who suggested that cabin.

I made it a kind of a challenge.

Maybe I ought to go up there.

What's that going to do?

Well, Millie, back here at home,

he had 1,000 reasons for not finishing the book.

But up there, he's got only one--

himself.

Yeah, well, so you go up there,

what are you going to do?

Well, at least I can apologize for pushing him

into a dead end.

Oh, they all need a push.

It was the same thing with Jerry when he didn't

want to finish dental school.

I gave him a push, and it gave him the courage and confidence

to go ahead and finish.

What did you do?

I told his mother.

Boy, did she yell at him.

Millie, I'm going up there.

Laura!

Oh, Rob.

Honey, what are you doing here?

- Hi, darling. - Never mind that.

I'm glad to see you.

Can you stay?

I mean, what are you doing here?

Rob, it doesn't matter why I came here.

What you've done so far is just beautiful.

Huh?

It's just-- well, Rob, if you can write like this up here

in this cavern, darling, I think you ought to stay

here until you finish the book.

Write like what?

Well, like the description of Teresa

walking through the garden.

Rob, it's a you I don't know.

It's a me I don't know who.

Who's Teresa?

Well, you know, Alfred's daughter.

What?

Oh, honey, you're reading discarded pages

from Harvey's manuscript here.

Harvey?

Yeah.

You didn't write this?

No, honey. Well.

Here's what I wrote.

This is three days' work.

Well, no.

I-- I made that wastebasket there.

Oh, Rob.

Oh, and, honey, I got up to 374 on this.

[inaudible]

Go ahead.

Read it.

I'm no Harvey Bellman, but you might like my work.

"To my darling Laura, who makes living a beautiful thing

to write about."

Well, that's beautiful, Rob.

It's a dedication, honey.

Now all I have to do is write a book to stick on the end of it.

Rob, are you angry with me for forcing you to come up here?

Well, I was, honey, up until last night.

And last night, I realized that I'm no novelist.

Yet, anyway.

You know, it would have taken me years to realize that at home.

But I know one thing.

When I'm ready to write a novel, I'm

not going to have to have a cabin

or a quiet house or anything.

I'll be able to write it on the subway at rush hour.

Boy, I can't wait for the day you

are ready to write that book.

Why?

Well, I just hate to see a beautiful dedication

like this wasted.

Well, I-- I'll tell you what.

If I don't finish the novel, I'll put it on my tombstone.

Oh, Rob.

Honey, I'll put it on yours then

Oh!

Stop it.

Hey, darling, this is so much fun.

Yeah.

Not writing is a great way to spend a weekend, all right.

Where do you want to go next week and not write?

Oh, well, I don't think we can get Millie to sit again.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad you came up here.

I was going crazy.

Rob, it's beautiful up here.

Hey, why don't we get a cabin like this?

That's a great idea.

Oh, that air.

I know what you mean when you say you can't b*at nature.

Trees and the mountains.

Rob, there's something--

What's the matter, honey?

Well, [inaudible].

Oh.

It's Lowell and Francine [inaudible] I recognize

them from their picture.

Rob, [inaudible].

Hi, folks!

[inaudible].

I can't ask them in, honey.

We're not dressed.

Oh, Rob.

[music playing]