05x04 - The Ugliest Dog in the World

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

All right, how's this?

Woof, woof, woof.

Well, that's better.

At least you're getting closer.

Boy, if Alan ever comes up with a dog for a guest star

again, I'm gonna bite him.

All right, all right, down, boy.

Good dog. Good dog.

Good dog.

Shall I throw you a bone?

Why, you want to get rid of your head?

Don't tell me Alan wants the script.

Of course, and so does Pally's trainer.

You mean that dog has script approval?

No, they ran out of newspaper.

Where's Rob?

He's outside pacing.

Outside?

Mel, he just had to get out.

It's very tough writing jokes for a dog, especially

one who's a dramatic actor.

Hey, fellas.

Oh hi, Rob.

Did you come up with any ideas? - Yeah.

Yeah. All right, what, what, what?

Well, look, Mel, I haven't talked this over

with Buddy and Sally, so it's gonna

be in a kind of rough form.

Oh, I'd rather not show anything

to Alan that's unfinished.

Why, he sees you all the time.

Oh, come on.

Rob, what's the idea?

Well, look, we all know that Pally

is one of the most beautiful and smartest dogs

in the whole world.

Now what if-- and now this has been done before-- but what

if we go on the premise that we all agree Pally is

smart and beautiful and everything,

but she wasn't always that smart or that beautiful.

Well, what is it an idea or an apology?

No, I say we do our own version of "Pygmalion."

"Pygmalion?"

Do you think it'd work with a dog?

Why not? It was great with pigs.

Ha ha.

I think it's a fabulous idea, Rob, really.

What's so fabulous about it?

It's a classic.

They based "My Fair Lady" on it, stupid.

Well, what do you think?

I agree with you and Sally.

The idea's good and Buddy's stupid.

But I think we're going to have trouble with Pally's trainer.

I don't think they'll allow us to ugly him up.

Oh, I know they won't.

Yes, Rob, listen, to make it work,

you gotta find the ugliest, stupidest dog in the world.

Ha ha!

That's right.

Right?

[whistles] Here boy.

Come on, boy.

Come on, boy.

What's he got out there?

I don't know, but whatever it is, it's stupid.

Whatever it is, it's ugly.

You gonna bring that thing in here?

Sure, I am.

Come on, boy.

Thattaboy.

Nice boy.

Thattaboy.

That's the most absurd looking animal I've ever seen.

What is that?

That-- that-- what?

Try mutt.

Mutt?

Yeah, I got him at the dog pound.

Isn't he ghastly?

He's a stray.

Stray nothing, he missed completely.

I'll tell you something else, I'll never sleep on that couch

again.

I say we owe him something already.

Rob, that is ugly.

Yeah, that's why I got him.

He's perfect for the sketch.

Oh, I think I'd better check with Pally's trainer.

I don't think they'll let that creature near her.

With you here, this is a step up.

Oh, I don't think he's that ugly.

Now you take him and clean him up a little bit,

you'd have a clean, ugly dog.

Boy, that dog is so homely--

Are you gonna make a joke right there?

That was my sincere desire.

Well, wait 'til she gets paper in the machine,

because that's our sketch.

You know, Rob, I still kind of feel sorry for him.

You see that, fella?

Even though you're funny looking, you're among friends.

Look at that, he licked me.

You better wash it off before the skin corrodes.

As the curtain comes down, Alan wins his bet.

Pally has won the award for the most

beautiful dog in the world.

Now we got a great sketch.

Right.

We'll need the closing line, though.

I got it.

I got it.

"You can't tell a book by its cover.

You can't tell a dog by its coat.

But you can tell your sister anything."

[laughs]

I'm laughing, and that doesn't make any sense.

Well, before they realize that, we'll be off the air.

[dog barks]

Hey, he likes it, you see?

Done, done, done.

There we are.

Alan's gonna love it.

And old Horrible here was a great inspiration.

Hey, maybe we should keep an ugly dog

around here all the time.

We don't need him, we got Mel.

Oh, gesundheit.

Hey, Rob, I'm going home, right?

All finished.

Yeah, me too.

Good night, Rob. Good night, Buddy.

Good night, Horrible.

Good night, Sal.

Wait a minute, Sal, I'll go with you.

Good night, Rob. Good night, Horrible.

Good night.

Good night, Horrible.

Good night, Horrible?

Hey, Rob, I just thought--

Yeah, I just thought, too.

Hey, fellas, I just thought--

how can you work with a dog all day

long and then leave and forget he's here?

I don't know, but three out of three people do it.

I kind of assumed that maybe Mel would make

some arrangements or something.

Well, he didn't.

We can't just go leave the poor guy here all alone.

Well, Rob, we can't stay here all night and sit with him.

Well, that takes care of the can'ts, now let's look at the--

[sneezes] --at the cans.

Bless you.

Hey, why don't you just send him back to the pound?

Well, we can't.

It's closed for one thing, besides we

need him for rehearsal first thing in the morning.

Well, get him a nice dish of water.

Oh, a dish of water is not very much company.

So put a fish in it.

Look, you guys, I'd take him home if I could, but I can't.

You know, dogs do that to me, some of 'em.

I thought I was catching a cold, but it's him I'm aller--

[sneezes] I'm allergic to, that's who.

I can't do it.

I can't even sleep in the same house with him.

Well, how about a kennel?

Rob can't sleep in a kennel.

Well, we can't go calling kennels this time of night

anyway.

Why don't we chip and send him to a hotel?

Ah, they won't take him, he's got no luggage.

All right, I'm it.

Sorry, Rob.

All right, good night.

So what am I gonna say to Laura?

Honey, guess what I'm bringing home tonight?

Oh, that's no good.

Why not?

You don't know what you're bringing home.

Rob.

Why are you coming in this way?

Hi, honey.

I had to put something in the garage.

Well, then why didn't you come in through the garage?

Gee, you're making an awful mess.

Well, the garage door is covered with grease

and junk and everything.

So I had to put the thing out on the patio.

What thing?

[sneezes] I tried to call you, honey.

You catching a cold?

No, no.

Oh, I was over at Millie's.

I wanted to call you and tell you I was bringing a dog home.

A puppy?

Hardly.

Well, what kind of a dog?

That hasn't been established yet.

Rob, we decided that when we got Ritch a dog,

it would be a puppy.

Honey, this isn't for Rich.

We're using it on the show.

Oh, well, why are you leaving it outside?

Well--

[gasps]

That's why.

What is that?

That is Horrible.

I know, why are you bringing him?

Oh, well, honey, I didn't want to.

Wait a minute, Horrible.

I didn't want to, ask somebody about bringing

Buddy and Sally had airtight alibis?

Oh, yeah, better than usual.

Well, I can't say I blame them.

Hey, over here, Horrible.

Yeah, he usually doesn't look this ugly.

He got a little wet coming in from the car.

Oh.

You know, there's something about rain on hair or fur.

Mm-hmm, I've got an old beach towel here.

You'll never be able to use it again.

Well, we gotta get him dry, poor baby.

Oh, honey, you're a good woman.

Here you go, boy.

[sneezes]

That's right.

Nice.

[sneezes] Honey, you're gonna have to--

Let Mommy do it, will you?

Come here.

Good boy.

Here.

He's nice, isn't he?

Oh, Rob, has he been eating onions?

Yeah, he grabbed Buddy's hamburger.

Come on.

You know, he can sleep over in the corner,

I guess, for the night.

We'll never use the corner again.

RITCHIE: Mom!

Just a minute, dear.

Oh, Rob, we're gonna have a problem with Ritchie

He's gonna take one look at him and fall in love.

That ugly dog?

Darling, when you were a boy, did you

ever bring home a pretty dog?

Never.

That's right, pretty dogs don't need little boys.

And this guy is lonely enough for a boy scout troop.

Well, if Ritchie does want to keep him,

you're the one who's gonna have to say no.

Well, I'm not backing down.

RITCHIE: Hey, mom, when can we eat?

He'll just have to understand, that's all, honey.

Mom!

Uh.

Wow.

Now Rich--

Rich, your father is allergic to that dog.

He's here for the one night, and we cannot keep him.

Good, he's funny looking and he stinks.

Yuck!

This corned beef is for you.

Sorry, they forgot-- they forgot to put

the Russian dressing on it.

His corned beef?

I thought the burger was his and the corned beef was yours.

He had a burger yesterday.

This one's mine.

Buddy, dogs don't eat corned beef sandwiches.

What makes you say that?

Did you ever see a Collie with a heartburn?

He happens to love delicatessen.

He almost ate the delivery boy.

Here you are, fella, right here.

There you go.

Look at that, he likes it.

Sure, he likes it.

Here you go, boy.

What are you doing there?

I'm giving him some milk.

Milk with corned beef?

That ain't kosher.

Are you kidding?

It's green soda or nothing.

Rob, he's trying to k*ll that dog.

No, he's trying to convert him.

Rob.

I hate to interrupt you in the middle of lunch, pal, but k*ll.

Bad news, the "Pygmalion" sketch is out.

Why?

Alan loved it.

No, Pally's no longer on the show.

Don't tell me he didn't like the sketch.

No, he didn't like Alan, he bit him.

Is it serious, Mel?

No, no, no, just a little nip.

But Alan won't work with any actor who bites him.

OK, group, how do we replace a dog?

The problem's already been solved.

He rented some children to sing to.

You're kidding.

No, no, no.

No, he's going to put them around in a circle

and sing camp songs to them.

That's warm.

Well, if that doesn't work, he could always bake an apple pie

or dance with his mother.

So I guess you better take your dog back to the pound.

No, why don't we keep him and send you to the pound?

They'll never know the difference.

Oh, sure they will.

The dog's got more hair.

Sally!

Mel, I just thought it would hurt less coming from me.

Well, it didn't.

Gee, I gotta take him back to the pound.

I hadn't even thought about that.

Gee, Rob, you really like that mutt, don't you?

[sneezes]

Bless you.

Me too.

I think this is the nicest dog I ever saw.

Maybe we can wait till after lunch

to take him back to the pound.

That was a short romance.

Well, I guess, Mel's right, but it's sad to take him back.

Well, get it over with.

Come on, Horrible.

Let's go to the pound.

Come on, Horrible.

Good morning.

What can I do for you?

You guys called me this morning

at the place about my pooch.

Oh, yes, what was the name?

Barton Mack.

Mack.

Where did you find her?

Central Park, last night.

Lucky she wasn't mugged.

I'll get her.

I'll be with you in a moment.

Oh, thank you.

Shoo, you got a heart of gold, right?

What, me?

When the average guy finds that dog,

he runs in the opposite direction.

Yeah, well, he's not exactly Rin Tin Tin.

He's got a kind of a personality though.

I can smell it.

Well, I sure hope they find a good home for him.

Yeah, it's a shame to have to croak any dog.

Oh, it's a shame--

what do you mean?

What do you mean croak?

Well, I mean put him to sleep.

Bye bye, bow-wow.

Well, why?

Who?

Well, they do.

I mean, they keep him for a couple of weeks.

If nobody claims him, they gotta.

I mean, they don't wanna.

But they get thousands of dogs.

And him, he's asking for it.

You mean, they just-- they just--

There she is.

Oh, oh, oh, Ronda, baby, you're all right.

She's fine.

She just had a big meal.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, Ronda, you're beautiful.

Daddy's very angry at you.

And if you ever run away again, Daddy's gonna spank you.

Naughty, naughty.

Well, good luck, pal.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Petrie.

How is the show?

Look, what are you gonna do to her?

I don't understand.

Well, that guy said if nobody claims them, you just--

Oh, well, unfortunately that's the rule.

Of course, if I had my way, I'd take them all home with me.

Well, I have my way and nobody's

going to put my dog away.

Come on.

You better come to, you're my dog.

Hi, Rob.

Hi, Horrible.

No luck, huh?

Bye, mom.

Bye, dad.

Yuck.

Does he remind you of that kid in "The Bad Seed?"

Harry didn't want him?

No, Harry didn't want him.

The gas station didn't want him.

Anything from Buddy and Sally?

No.

Rob, how much would it cost to board him?

For the rest of his life?

Well, no, just till somebody wants him.

That is the rest of his life.

Poor old Horrible.

Gee, he sure grows on you, doesn't he?

I don't suppose there's any possibility that we

could keep him, is there?

Well.

[sneezes]

Guess not.

There's only one thing to do.

Rob, you can't take him back to the pound.

I'm not taking him back to any pound.

I am setting him free.

Well, they'll just catch him again.

If David Janssen could do it, he could do it.

OK.

Go on, Horrible.

Run for it, boy.

Run for it.

Go on.

Horrible, why do you look so horrible?

Why do I have to get such brilliant ideas

that always get us in trouble.

The darn sketch never even got on the air.

The sketch, "Pygmalion."

Rotten idea.

No, it wasn't, Rob.

Let's do it with him.

What?

We'll get him all prettied up so somebody would want him.

Yeah, and if he got ugly again, by that time

they gotta love him.

Yeah.

That can't work.

Oh, Rob, it's worth a try.

All right.

At least this way you have a chance.

That's a brainstorm.

That is a great idea.

What am I looking up?

Uh, dog salon.

Oh yeah, docks, documents, doctors, dogs--

the Bowwowerie, the Poodle Palace, the Puppy Palace,

the Silver Hydrant, Mr. Doggy.

You know of any of those?

I think Grace takes her dog to The Puppy Palace.

All right, puppy palace it is.

Horrible, we're gonna make you handsome.

Oh, Rob, I think The Puppy Palace only takes poodles.

Well, who knows, honey, he may be one or maybe two.

Bye bye, Buckets.

Hello there, I'm Rob Petrie, I called a little bit earlier.

Oh, yes.

Oh my.

You were right, this is an emergency.

Well, why don't you come in here where it's more comfortable.

Thank you.

Yes, we have some collars and some accessories

right over there.

Rex will be right with you.

Rex?

My husband, he might be able to help you with your problem.

I thought it was a dog.

It may be.

Hey, will you look at these collars?

Better looking than my jewelry.

This is some place.

I got a feeling it's gonna cost us a fortune, too.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

I'm Rob Petrie.

This is my wife Laura.

Rexford Spaulding.

This is our dog, Horrib--

our dog.

Well, he doesn't have a name.

He doesn't deserve one.

Now, wait a minute.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I've been under terrible pressure,

getting ready for the big show.

I do many of the dogs, you know.

Oh?

Four Champions in six years.

Oh, that's wonderful.

This year, put your money on Lord Swifty

of Nottingham, an Irish Setter, marvelous coat,

perfect stance, good breath.

They judge on breath?

No, but when you work as closely with them as I do,

it means a lot.

Uh, darling.

Oh, well, Mr. Rex, what about our dog here?

May I?

Oh, yeah, please do.

[music playing]

What exactly did you have in mind?

Well, we want you to make him beautiful.

And your second choice?

Well, beautiful is a lot to ask.

Well, can't you kind of pretty him up a little bit?

Pretty the best this beast will ever be is grotesque.

Impossible.

Impossible?

Absolutely impossible.

Well, if that's the way it is, honey,

we'll try and do it ourselves, that's all.

- Of course. - We can go someplace else.

The Bowwowerie is down the street.

Wait!

I think I hit a nerve.

Horrible.

Sit.

Not you.

Once in every man's lifetime, there

comes a supreme challenge.

You mean you take a sh*t at horrible?

A sh*t would be the humane thing to do.

However.

Has he been eating onion?

That was two days ago.

You know, I was thinking that--

Sh!

Yeah, you see there--

Sh!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Mr. and Mrs. Petrie?

Yes.

Will you allow me to do anything I want to do?

Well, yeah, within reason.

Good, then go.

Give me three hours.

Three hours?

I could use a month.

Well, OK, three hours then.

Gee, what'll we do with all that time?

May I suggest you go to a beauty parlor

and you get a haircut.

And you, come.

$275.

It is nicer than Laura's.

Hi.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hey, your hair.

Yeah.

Hey, I don't want to kid you or anything,

but it looks just the same.

It is the same, dear.

They couldn't take me.

Everyone in town is getting their hair

done for the dog show.

You didn't get a haircut either.

No, it was kitty day.

Honey, will you look at that.

I can't believe it.

Of course, he's--

He's beautiful, just--

Gorgeous.

Oh, you're a genius--

Will you two stop?

Do you for a moment think that Lord Swifty is your dog?

That's Lord Swifty?

Of Nottingham?

In person.

This is an example of what I can do when I'm given something

to work with, like a dog.

Deliver.

Yes.

Listen, what about Horrible?

He's still horrible.

I'll need at least another hour.

Another hour?

What are you gonna do?

Get a haircut.

What am I gonna do?

Go with him.

And if you're a good girl, they'll give you a balloon.

Well, suppose he's still ugly.

You know, I was thinking about that.

Well, we'll just end up the owners

of a nice, ugly dog then.

Looks aren't everything.

Right.

What about your nose?

Yeah, it's not the greatest.

I get along with it.

No, Rob, I meant the sneezing.

Oh, well, he'll be a little lonely, I guess.

He can sleep outside and I'll take pills.

Mr. Petrie, your dog is ready.

That's not our dog.

Not unless they dyed his hair.

Is that Swifty again?

Oh, no, no, no, this is Lady Penelope.

Lady Penelope?

Lord Swifty's first wife.

I didn't know they broke up.

Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, may I present--

what did you call him?

Uh, well, Horrible.

Hardly appropriate, may I present the impossible.

Honey, will you look at that.

I can't believe it.

How do you like--

He-- I can't--

Oh, Rex, you're a genius.

You see, Rocky, other people think so too.

Rob, he looks like an expensive dog.

Oh, he is.

No kidding.

Yes, this remodeling will cost you $75.

That's expensive.

He's beautiful, but don't fool yourself.

He's not a fine show dog, he's an ordinary Poocock.

A Poocock?

Yes, half poodle, half Cocker Spaniel.

Poocock, you know, is much nicer than mutt.

Not necessarily.

When we cross a Schnauzer with a Poodle, we call it--

A Schnoodle.

[laughter]

Very good, very good.

That's a trade joke.

Well, Rex, I don't care how much he costs

or I don't even care what he is, I'm happy with him.

When we take him back to the pound now,

somebody's bound to want him.

The pound?

Isn't he your dog?

Well, no, actually we adopted him for a while.

We do have to take him back.

You're not taking my Poocock to any pound.

Well, I'd rather not.

You know someone who wants him?

Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, I want him.

You do?

I've become very fond of him.

Well, Laura.

Don't worry, I'll take very good care of him.

You see, he and I, well, we're two of a kind.

You're--

We're not all purebreds, you know.

Oh, of course.

I'm a Freek.

Huh?

Part French, part Greek, Freek.

Is that one of those trade jokes?

Well, you may visit us anytime you wish.

Of course, please call, please call first.

Boy, boy, it's tea time.

We did find him a happy home, though, you know?

It's kind of sad though.

Oh, yeah.

But aren't you proud you live in a country

where a dirty old Poocock can end up living

with a rich, young Freek.

[theme music]