05x10 - Go Tell the Birds and the Bees

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show", starring d*ck Van d*ke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthew and Mary Tyler Moore.

Water, water.

Save some for me.

Yeah, me too.

[exhales loudly]

[groans] The next time Buddy suggests we go to a Mexican

restaurant for lunch--

I suggest we sh**t him.

You're right, I'll get the b*ll*ts.

Boy, I should get my head examined.

I could use a couple complete physical.

[groans] Well, I see Mel was pretty busy today.

Boy, look at all these phone messages.

How'd you know Mel took the messages?

Well, because they're in three neat piles, his, hers, it.

Boy, I have Mel's, all right.

I got falling hair all over the place.

Hey, now that's what I call a message, right.

Your message service called to tell you you had no messages.

What you got?

Five calls from Pickles, all says it's important.

What do you got?

Four calls from Laura, it says urgent.

Let's see, ah, for urgents, five importance--

Rob wins.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah.

Next time, I'll use my own message blanks.

Hi, honey.

What's up?

Rob, I've been trying to get you all lunch hour.

Where have you been?

Eating lunch.

Why?

Well, why?

I'm sorry, Rob.

It's just that I needed you.

Laura, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, I was fine until Miss Reshovsky called.

What Miss Reshovsky?

Ritchie's teacher?

Yeah, she wants to see us.

Us, what about?

Well, about Ritchie, first thing tomorrow morning.

Can you get away?

Well, I don't know, honey.

What's wrong?

Well, it seems that Ritchie has been giving

lectures to the other children.

What kind of lectures?

On the facts of life.

What?

Mm-hmm, the facts of life.

Rob, can you get away?

Oh, I can get away.

Oh, boy, can I get away.

Well, congratulations, Rob.

Congratulations?

Yeah, you got yourself a young Doc Spock.

Hey, Rob, it's, ah, none of my business.

But, ah, what you been telling that kid?

Well, just what you're supposed

to tell a kid Ritchie's age.

You mean the birds and bees version?

Well, no, not exactly that, but I

didn't tell him anything that would upset a teacher.

Should have stopped at the birds and bees.

Eh, well, who knows what's right?

Listen, when my folks told me about the birds and bees,

you know, I couldn't look at a jar of honey

without getting a rash.

You know what?

The funny thing is I thought I was handling it so beautifully

all the time.

You never know, Rob.

My folks told me some dopey story about flowers.

I spent a week trying to get a kid brother out of a geranium.

You mean, ah, your--

your father never did tell you, huh?

Yeah, finally, after I was married two years.

Rob, listen.

Why don't you go home and have a nice heart-to-heart talk

with Ritchie?

Oh, Rob don't need.

He knows all about that already.

SALLY ROGERS: Oh.

Um, we gotta--

we gotta get one good solid sketch for the second half

of the show.

Well, we'll write the cowboy sketch.

Why don't you go on home?

Absolutely not.

Rob, come on, the sketch is easy.

I know.

Why leave an easy sketch to go home to a hard problem?

Hi.

Hi, honey.

You're home kinda early.

Well, yeah, thought I might have a little talk with Rich.

No, no, not allowed.

Who says?

Well, Miss Reshovsky.

When did she get to be such a big expert?

Well, darling, she just thought

it'd be a good idea if we didn't say anything to Ritchie

until we talk to her in the morning,

so that we can get all the facts.

Well, it seemed to me like we've got all the facts.

Ritchie's going around telling the kids

these lectures the school doesn't want him to,

I don't want him to.

I'm his father and I'll tell him not to.

Well, Rob, don't you think I've been dying

to talk to him myself, all day?

But after all, she is his teacher.

She handles 30 children every day.

Well, yeah, none of them are hers.

I think I know what to tell my son without her telling me.

Maybe not.

ROB PETRIE: What do you mean?

Well, just what did you tell him?

Well, you read the book, you know what it says.

So just tell your child-- just answer his questions, that's

all, and do it in your own way.

That's exactly what I did.

I think I handled it kind of cute.

Maybe too cute.

What do you mean?

He's a little kid.

Well, I don't know about that.

Lately, he likes kissing girls better

than he likes kissing us.

Well, he's a kissing kid.

Rob, obviously something is wrong

or Miss Reshovsky wouldn't be insisting that we

come in to see her tomorrow.

Did it occur to you that maybe she's making

a little more of that than-- than is absolutely necessary?

Oh, come on, don't you remember the last PTA meeting?

You said yourself, she's a great teacher.

No, ah, I said she was built great for a teacher.

A lot of difference between the way a teacher's built

and the way a teacher teaches.

I'll buy that.

You don't have to, you're a woman.

Well, she happens to be an excellent teacher.

Honey, the problem as I see it is not what Ritchie knows,

it's just the fact that he's going around telling everybody.

Yes.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Debbie.

Yeah, Ritchie?

Yeah, just a second.

Rich-- it's Debbie.

She wants to talk to Rich.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, nothing, I guess.

Rich!

I just thought maybe he shouldn't talk to any girls

until we get him straightened out.

LAURA PETRIE: No.

Rob, it's us he's not supposed to talk to.

ROB PETRIE: Oh. - Hi, Dad.

Did you call me?

Oh, hi, Rich.

Ah, it's a girl, Debbie.

Hi, Debbie.

Huh?

But I told you this morning.

Weren't you listening?

Oh, OK, but it's the last time I'm gonna tell you.

The whole thing takes two or three months.

Huh?

I know Freddie had to wait almost a year,

but that's because his family don't eat any cereal.

OK.

Boy, girls are dumb.

Did you hear that?

Cereal?

Rob, I think you got a little too cute.

I did not.

I wanna talk to that kid and I wanna talk to him right now.

Rob, you are not--

I don't care.

Ritchie!

Honey, I'm not gonna let that go by.

Did you want me, Dad?

Rich, ah, what you just said to Debbie there?

Huh?

That thing about the two or three months and a cereal,

where did you learn that?

I didn't learn it.

I found it out myself.

You did?

When I sent away for my helicopter.

Your helicopter?

After I sent away my box tops, it

didn't come for three months.

You remember?

Oh, yeah.

That's, ah-- yeah, thanks, Rich.

Why, Dad?

Ah, well, I was--

I just wanted to check and see if Freddy got his, that's all.

Yeah, it took him a year.

Yeah, I guess his folks don't eat as much cereal as I do,

huh.

[chuckles] Well, um, now that we've got that straightened up,

I don't want you to think I was telling

him a lot of foolishness or something like that.

Rob, ah, just exactly what did you tell him?

I'm not talking to you till I see Miss Reshovsky.

Believe me, Mrs. Petrie, there's no cause for alarm.

I just thought, as Ritchie's parents,

you might find a little professional guidance

helpful in, ah, view of the delicate nature

of the situation.

Oh, well, yes.

Of course, thank you.

It was very, very thoughtful of you, Miss Reshovsky.

Well, I think I'll go see what's keeping Dr. Gormsley.

Just relax, make yourselves comfortable.

Thanks.

[clears throat]

Well, here we are in a psychiatrist's office.

No, he is not a psychiatrist.

He's a guidance counselor.

There's a little difference.

Rob, do you suppose they told us everything?

I mean, it might be more serious.

Yeah, maybe.

I cannot wait to find out what Ritchie's been

telling those kids.

Look, honey, take it easy.

Ritchie comes from good stock and a great home.

Oh, hi, Miss Reshovsky, just relaxing like you said.

Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, um, I'd like you to meet, Dr. Gormsley.

Mrs. Petrie, a pleasure, Mr. Petrie.

- How do you do? - Sit down.

Go ahead and sit down.

Oh, thank you.

I'm awfully sorry I was late.

I was in the principal's office.

The principal, what'd you do?

Rob's a-- a comedy writer.

[chuckles] DR. GORMSLEY: Oh, yes.

I understand that you write for "The Alan Brady Show",

Mr. Petrie. ROB PETRIE: Yes, yes, I do.

It's a wonderful show.

It's very imaginative.

Oh, thank you.

And, ah, so is Ritchie.

Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, you have quite a boy there.

And so we've heard.

I mean, we've always felt-- haven't we always thought so?

Oh, yeah, we've liked him right from the very beginning.

Now first, let me assure you that there is nothing

unusual in a child Ritchie's age taking an interest

in the facts of life.

You'd be amazed at how often the subject

comes up right here at school.

Mr. Petrie, children today are much

more advanced than you think.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, when I was Ritchie's age, I was much younger--

well, I mean, [inaudible] in many ways.

There is nothing wrong with his interest in the subject

per se.

However, he has appointed himself

official school spokesman.

Well, we'll tell Ritchie not to give any more lectures.

I realize people get a little upset.

Thank you.

You know, ah, Mr. Petrie, ah, most parents don't want

their children told fantasies.

Oh, right.

You agree?

Well, of course.

You seem a little surprised.

Well, I am considering what you've told Ritchie.

Now wait, wait a minute.

I haven't told him any fantasies.

Well, then why does he say that babies

come from a vegetable garden?

A vegetable garden?

Ritchie said that?

I-- I have some details here.

Goes something like this.

Um, [clears throat] "when a mommy and daddy

decide they want a baby, they put

a silver dollar under their pillow

when they go to sleep at night".

A silver dollar under their pillow?

Oh, boy.

DR. GORMSLEY: "And-- and when they wake up

and find the silver dollar is gone,

they know that Mr. Cabbage has been there".

Mr. Cabbage?

"Mr. Cabbage takes the silver dollar

to Esmeralda, the queen tomato.

And in front of the other vegetables"--

Three broccoli and a radish Esmeralda plants a magic seed

in a magic garden saying, starlight,

star-bright, we're gonna grow a baby tonight.

Rob.

And this is familiar to you, Mr. Petrie?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And on a bright and sunny morning,

nestled in a nest of lettuce leaves

is a beautiful pink pumpkin.

A pink pumpkin?

Well, if it's a girl, boys come in blue pumpkins.

Mr. Petrie, may-- may we assume that

you told your son the story?

Well, no, you can't assume that.

I didn't tell him that.

My father, Ritchie's grandfather, told me that.

It's the same darn story that he told me when I was a kid.

Now he told-- last week, he took him to the zoo.

Believe me, doctor, I never would've told

Ritchie anything like that.

I mean, when my dad told me, I thought it was so silly.

I mean, especially the part about-- well, I mean,

it's all silly.

[laughs]

Well, I must say I'm very relieved,

[chuckles] and I trust you'll have a talk with Ritchie soon.

Oh, thank you very much, Doctor.

He's got some rather bizarre ideas.

He sure does.

I'll talk to him tonight. Thank you.

DR. GORMSLEY: Bye.

You'll be amazed at how easily a child will

accept the honest explanation.

Yeah, well, I gave him the honest explanation.

He, obviously, preferred his grandpa's.

Thank you both very, very much.

Your father told you about Mr. Cabbage and the tomato lady?

Now you know why I hate coleslaw.

Are you ready?

Ready-- I'm ready.

Well, I'll get him.

He's just making a sandwich.

And Rob--

ROB PETRIE: Huh?

--relax.

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, right, relax.

That's it.

Just-- just relax, that's all.

Just a little-- nice little chat.

No tension, just nice right to the point, that's all.

I didn't know that.

Son, just sit there.

That's-- wait, I'm not gonna--

boy, just relax [inaudible].

You want me, Dad?

ROB PETRIE: Oh, yeah, Rich.

Yeah, I did.

Sit down, Rich.

Good boy, that's right.

What you eating there?

Tuna fish sandwich, do you want some?

No, thanks, son.

I just had dinner.

So did I.

Rich, you, ah, don't have no homework or anything, huh?

No, finished it all.

Good, good.

That's good.

Rich, let's see.

You, ah-- you're about nine years old now, right?

Yeah, I thought you knew that.

Oh, I did.

It's just, Rich, I thought, well,

a big boy like you must have some pretty

important things on his mind.

And is there any anything you'd like to know about, anything?

Like what?

Well, I don't know, just how, well, you know,

how different things got to be different,

you know, in the world, you know, and things like that.

But we learn all that stuff in school.

Yeah, well, I mean isn't there anything--

stuff you don't learn in school?

Yeah.

What is it?

Did Babe Ruth really hit more home runs in one season

than anybody?

Yeah, yeah.

[clears throat] Ah, Babe Ruth hit more home runs,

I think, than anybody.

Except Roger Maris, I guess, except he's

got an asterisk by his name.

What's an asterisk?

Well, it's a little star with a lot of extra little points

on it that--

it means that there's further information on the bottom

of the page, you know.

It's a footnote.

What's a footnote?

Well, a footnote gives you the reason

why Roger Maris has an asterisk by, you know-- by his name.

It's very useful.

Ah, anything-- anything else on your mind, Rich?

You mean the birds and the bees.

Ah, now that you mentioned it, Rich.

You remember, ah, oh, a long time ago, you

asked me where you came from, and I told you a little bit

about the birds and the bees?

Uh-huh.

[chuckles] It's a lot trickier than that.

We mean how babies are born and everything?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, yeah, that's right.

You know, is there anything you'd like to ask me about it?

But I already know that, grandpa

told me the whole story.

Grandpa's story isn't quite accurate.

You mean, grandpa's a liar?

Well, no, no.

He was just telling you a pretty little kind of a fairy tale.

Why did he do that?

Well, I don't know, Rich.

Um, maybe, you know, it could be he

wasn't aware that you were old enough to understand the truth.

And I am old enough.

ROB PETRIE: Yes, you are-- yes, I've told you the truth before,

and I'd like to now tell you some additional truth.

That's it.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me the first truth again.

I forgot a lot of it.

I'll be glad to, Rich, that's a good idea.

We'll start from, um--

from the beginning.

Rich, when, um-- when two people meet each other, well,

like when I met Mommy, you know, it's a certain feeling

came over me.

What kind of feeling?

Well, it's hard to describe, Rich.

It's nice.

It's, ah-- it's a feeling that grows.

It's what we call love.

That's what I call eekie.

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, yeah, sure you do.

But you know, I mean, everybody does until they fall in love.

Ah, but when a per-- when a boy and girl do fall in love,

they usually decide to get married.

What about bears?

What about them?

Don't they fall in love and get married?

Yes, in a manner of speaking, they do, Rich.

How about a Fox and a rabbit?

A Fox and a rabbit, no.

They can't, Rich.

They can't.

There's [clear throat] certain, um--

Rich, there's just certain animals

that don't get along together.

You see, it wouldn't make sense for them to get married,

you see.

How about Millie and Jerry?

They got married.

Well, that's a little different, Rich.

Millie and Jerry love each other, really.

It's just they like to-- to show it at the top of their lungs,

that's all.

Is, ah-- you getting any sense out of this up till now?

Uh-huh.

Well, usually when a man or woman, you know, fall in love

and they decide to get--

and do get married--

what's the matter, Rich?

I forgot mayonnaise.

Oh, well, go-- go get some.

That's all right, I'm just talking.

[nervous chuckle]

OK.

Ah, when you get back, I'll tell you about the chicken

and the-- and the egg.

How chickens come from them?

That's right.

I'll tell you how an egg get-- get's hatched.

OK.

And after all that's all over, Rich, you, ah--

they take the baby home from the hospital and everybody

lives happily ever after.

You think-- have you got that now?

Uh-huh.

And do you like the sandwich I made?

Oh, I sure did.

Thanks a lot, Rich.

Look, what we talked about here now, just between you and me.

Now you don't have to tell anybody else.

Can I tell them about the [inaudible]??

Yeah, that's-- that's ash-- act-- ash--

tell them about footnotes.

OK, can I go play now?

You indeed can, young man.

You are young man.

You know that, don't you?

Yeah.

OK, Mom, Dad's finished.

You can come out now.

How'd it go?

You can tell Miss Reshovsky to relax.

The boy is all set.

Oh, how did he take it?

He took it great.

I've got a combination of dry throat and wet palms.

Well, um, what'd you tell him?

Well, I mean, how did you tell him?

Someday, we might have a daughter, you know,

and then it'll be my turn to do the telling.

[chuckles]

Well, honey, don't worry about that.

If we have a daughter someday, Ritchie can tell her.

He's an expert.

Oh.

You know, last night was one of those times in my life

when I really felt like a father.

- Gee-- - Yes.

--I thought that only happens when

the nurse comes in and says, congratulations,

you're a father.

No, this is different.

You get a feeling right in there, boy.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I still got it from those enchiladas yesterday.

No.

You know, there's three times in your life

when you really feel like a father.

One of them is when you stand at the end of the table carving

turkey, and the other is the first time

you ever have to put on a Santa Claus suit

and the other one is telling your son the facts of life.

Gee, how about that?

Outside of the last one, I'm a father.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Laura.

Hey, talk about timing.

Rob was just telling us about Ritchie.

Yeah.

Yeah, Big Daddy's here.

It's Big Mommy.

ROB PETRIE: [chuckles] Hello, Big Mama.

Ah, Rob, I'm sorry if I'm breaking in on anything,

but we just got another call from school.

What?

Yeah, uh-huh.

Apparently, Ritchie's at it again and they want to see us.

Just tell them that I'll order Ritchie

to stop giving the lectures.

We don't-- we don't have to go see them again.

Yeah, we do, Rob.

This time they wanna see us about us.

Huh?

Well, apparently they think we handled

the whole thing pretty badly and they'd

like to see us this afternoon.

Can you be there?

Yeah, you darn right I can be there.

Buddy and Sally will cover for me.

Has, ah, Ritchie started another lecture series?

No, same subject.

Boy, that kid is gonna be the most popular kid in school.

How do you like that?

Now I'm in trouble for telling my son the truth.

You know something, Rob?

You're a real father.

I wouldn't know how to be a parent.

Ah, it's easy.

Just talk to Ritchie, you'll learn plenty.

Look, Dr. Gormsley, I'm--

I'm upset that Ritchie's continuing

with his lecture series and I'm gonna talk to him about it.

But frankly, I'm a little confused about your attitude.

I thought we all agreed that the enlightened approach

was the correct approach. - We did, Mr. Petrie.

Please sit down.

Well, not until somebody tells me why the entire school system

is getting-- all flying to pieces simply because my son

came back to school armed with a pure, simple facts of life.

The pure and simple facts of life?

You darn right.

Well, Rob was with Rich for almost two hours last night.

Yes, so he said.

Dr. Gormsley, I told him almost

everything there was to tell.

Even the part about the baby supermarket?

Right, I made a--

what supermarket?

Where the mommies and daddies go to pick out their babies?

A baby supermarket?

I-- I--

I never told them that.

Something like that?

Nothing like that.

Has he been seeing your father?

Well, my father wouldn't tell him that.

He's with the pumpkins.

Now Mr. Petrie, if you told Ritchie the truth,

why did he come to school today with the notion

that "God runs a big baby supermarket

with cotton candy counters and pink and blue shopping carts"?

Oh, Rob.

Will you stop with the Rob?

Where's Ritchie?

I have no idea.

He's home.

Well, come on, let's go.

The only way we're gonna get anywhere is to talk to him

and that's all.

Excuse us, will you, Dr. Gormsley?

But you just relax.

I'm gonna take care of this by myself, I promise you that.

Well, now Mr. Petrie, don't inhibit the boy.

Well, it's about time somebody did!

Ritchie!

Now Rob, please be reasonable.

Of course, I'll be reasonable.

I have every reason to be.

(SIGHS) Well, I still can't figure out

where he got this new story.

He seemed so happy when you went to bed last night.

Jerry, big dumb Jerry!

Big dumb Jerry?

He drove the kids to school this morning.

Ritchie he was talking to Freddy, Jerry heard him.

Yeah, it was Jerry.

Well, why would he tell him about baby super-marketing?

Because that's what he believes.

I'll k*ll him!

Did you want to see me, Dad?

Yeah, Rich.

Sit down, will you?

What did I do wrong?

Nothing, sweetheart, nothing.

[chuckles]

It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion

about what you're telling the kids at school.

I'd like to clear it up, if I can.

Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff?

Yeah, that's-- that's right, dear.

But I didn't tell them what you told me not to tell.

Well, who told you what to tell them?

Nobody, I made it up.

You made it up?

Yeah.

Grandpa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.

Well, right, right.

And your story about the eggs and everything

made a lot of sense.

Of course, it did.

But you should I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.

ROB PETRIE: Right again.

So I had to make one up.

Well, why, Rich?

Why did you have to make up any story?

Because the kids like me to tell stories,

and I'm good at it like Daddy.

How you like that?

Rich, why couldn't you tell them about other things?

I don't know as much about other things.

Rich, why don't you run out and play.

And when you come back in, why, we'll

talk about football and footnotes,

anything else you want, OK?

OK.

OK.

Listen, and don't-- no more stories to the kids.

You let the other kids find out from their own parents,

you hear? - OK.

OK.

Could I tell them how to make a monster?

Yeah, that's-- only plastic ones.

OK.

Well, he's getting to be a real person, isn't he?

Not a baby anymore.

I kind of miss that.

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, I do too.

It'd be fun to have another one.

Yeah.

It'd be fun if I shop for dinner.

[chuckles] Got to get to the market.

You want anything in particular?

Oh, girl, boy, twins, whatever they got.

I don't care.

I'll see what's on special.

[theme song]