05x11 - Body and Sol

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Rob, the script looks real good.

Why don't we turn it in? - I don't know.

I'm a little worried about the Tarzan sketch.

Ah, come on, you know Alan, anything for a laugh.

I don't think he'll go in the water.

Where else is he gonna find an octopus?

That's why he won't go in the water.

Yeah, I guess his toupee might fall off, too,

and that would flip him.

[laughs] The world is not ready for a bald Tarzan.

Hi, g*ng, sorry I'm late.

How do you take so long at lunch

when you don't eat anything?

All right, you gonna be that way,

I'm not gonna tell you who I met at lunch.

- Who'd you meet at lunch? - Paul Tinkelman.

Who?

I guess you didn't meet him.

No, I met a very dear friend of yours, Rob.

Who?

Male or female?

Male, very, very male.

Very, very male, and he's married.

Yeah, how'd you know he was married?

Because if he was very, very male and very single,

you'd still be eating lunch.

Hey, Rob, I'll give you a little hint.

Boom!

You had lunch with a cannon?

Boom, boom.

Two cannons.

Boom, boom?

She just said that.

Boom, boom.

Boom Boom Bailey?

Right.

Boom Boom Bailey, the prize fighter, you know him?

Yeah.

Hey, that guy is a great middleweight.

Yeah, well, he sends his very best regards, Rob, and

a uppercut and a right hook.

That's Boom Boom, all right.

How is he anyway?

Like he said, married.

I'll tell you something, that Boom Boom Bailey

is a great little fighter.

I saw him hit a guy once so hard,

he knocked him right out of the ring.

That's nothing.

I saw a fight once, he nearly k*lled a guy.

No kidding, who?

Me.

Hey, you really know Boom Boom Bailey?

Yeah, toughest fight of my career.

You had a career?

Yeah, everybody in the army had to fight three fights.

Yeah, that's right, the Germans,

the Japanese, and the Italians.

No, it was part of the physical training.

Yeah, but how did you get into the ring with Boom Boom Bailey?

Cautiously.

No, I wasn't bad, I had a nickname, Pitter Patter Petrie.

Pitter Patter Petrie, it sounds so tough.

Matter of fact, I wasn't bad.

The nickname was from footwork, you know, pitter-patter,

pitter-patter on a canvas.

Oh, come on.

You mean to say that Pitter Patter fought Boom Boom

and didn't go bye bye?

I just saw the guy.

He's got an arm like a leg of lamb.

So what?

He's got an arm like mashed potatoes, a perfect match.

Now, come on, Rob, what was it?

A sketch in a show or something?

Sal, this was a real fight in a ring with hitting

and hurting, everything.

My last fight was supposed to have been with Billy Vogel.

Billy?

Are we supposed to know him?

No, it was just a guy in the outfit.

He and I were fighting for the Middleweight Championship

of Special Services.

And the first two rounds of the fight

were just about even, so that third round I can remember we

both came out of there like a couple of tigers.

[yelling]

Hit him with that left!

Hit him with that left!

[interposing voices]

[bell ringing]

[applause]

The winner!

Are you sure?

And now, Middleweight Champion of Special Services,

Rob Pitter Patter Petrie!

[cheering and applause]

Hey, you looked great in there, Rob.

I knew you could do it.

[muttering]

Hey, just a second.

Here, the mouthpiece, the mouthpiece.

Thattaboy, yeah.

Oh.

I think it was a draw.

They just gave it to me because I sweat more.

Are you kidding?

They gave it to you because you hit him more.

You're a real credit to the fight game, Rob.

And you're a real credit to special services, too.

You know, just because we're in the entertainment division

doesn't mean that we ain't tough.

Yeah?

Listen, let me give you a little help here, champ.

OK.

Mind those ropes, they can--

I never--

I never would have made it without you.

Even manage yourself

Are you kidding?

You were great in there.

The only thing I'm sorry is that Laura couldn't have seen it.

- Ah, she's not a fight fan. - Huh?

Doggone it, I wish she could have been here for this.

Oh, for your moment of glory, huh, pal?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I hate to brag. - Yeah?

Let me get your gloves. - But everything was working.

OK. - Yeah.

Everything was working today like it

never has before, the footwork and the timing, you know?

I want to tell you something, that Laura missed

something beautiful tonight.

How come she's so down on fights?

Oh, you know how a girl gets things stuck in her mind.

She keeps saying she doesn't want to see me,

you know, beaten to death.

Well, she just doesn't know how good you are.

Yeah.

Gee, you know, it was my last fight.

Yeah, how about that?

Yeah, you know, it makes me kind of sad, Sol.

Sure.

Kind of hate to hang up the old gloves.

Yeah, I don't blame you.

But that's the way it goes, champ.

You b*at them all.

Yeah, all three of 'em.

Come on, let's see it for old time's sake,

once more, move it around it.

Now

OK, buddy.

The Pitter Patter in there, beautiful, Rob.

At

I gotta go see Laura at the PX.

I'll see you later, huh?

OK, Rob.

So long, buddy.

So long.

Could have been one of the big ones.

What do you say, Solly?

Oh, hiya, Bernie.

Hey, your boy looked pretty good in there.

What is with that "pretty good?"

He looked great.

Well, great is a pretty strong word to use about a guy

from special services.

What can I tell you, Bernie?

He's the champ.

Let's face it, it don't take no Hercules

to b*at a piano player, an Irish tenor,

and a female impersonator.

Look, Bernie, piano players don't

come any tougher than Billy Vogel, remember that.

Maybe so.

But there ain't a special service guy

in the world can stand up against the motorpool guy,

including your champ.

I'll ignore that remark based on the grounds

that your motor pool guys ain't too heavy in the intellect

department.

I'm just saying that any fighter we got

can take any fighter you got.

You are perhaps forgetting Pitter Patter Petrie?

Oh, come on, Solly!

Our champ Boom Boom Bailey can take him and the piano

player at the same time.

Are you kidding?

Pitter Patter could turn Boom Boom into a beanbag.

Talk, talk, talk, that's all you guys in special services

do is talk.

How's this for talk?

I got 20 that says my boy can take your boy.

Where?

To the senior prom?

You're steaming me, Bernie.

If I didn't have to save these two hands for the typewriter,

I'd dump you right now.

Oh, cut it out, Solly.

Oh, you're serious, 20 bucks?

[laughs]

Did I say 20?

Let's make it 40.

Make it 50 and you got a bet.

You got it.

Put it right there.

Now, I'm gonna go break the news to Rob.

Why?

Let him read it in the obituary.

You're beautiful, Bernie, you dirty--

[laughs]

Laura?

Oh, Rob.

You're all right? - All right?

You are looking at the Middleweight

Champion of Special Services.

Yay!

You'd have been a lot more enthusiastic, honey, if you

would have seen me there today.

Oh, everything was right.

I just kept popping him and popping him,

keeping him back, back, back, back.

Rob, everybody's looking.

You should have seen me there.

I'm glad I didn't.

Rob, will you promise me something?

Anything, honey.

Promise me you won't fight anymore.

OK, I promise.

Besides, there's nobody left to fight.

I have ravaged the countryside.

Hi, Rob, Laura, want something?

Hi, Norma, yeah, the usual, I guess.

Sure, fine.

Coming right up.

Hey, honey, I got a pass for Sunday.

How about a picnic, just you and me, some potato salad,

and a couple of dead chickens?

Oh, Rob, I'd love it.

Well, that was fast.

Champ always gets fast service.

This is on the house.

- Well, thank you, Norma. - That's OK.

You see?

There's some advantage to being the champ.

Here's to the picnic.

Sol, that's my beer.

No beer for you, Pitter Patter, you're in training.

I just finished my last fight an hour ago, Sol.

Uh-uh.

What do you mean, uh-uh?

I mean, I just set the fight of the century,

the champ of the motorpool versus the champ

of special services.

Rob, what's he talking about?

Sol, what are you talking about?

It's what you wanted, Rob.

Now you won't have to hang up the old gloves after all.

You didn't want to hang up your gloves?

Well, just before I told you I would.

You told her you would.

Well, after I said I didn't want to.

But Rob, it's all set.

You're gonna fight Boom Boom Bailey this Sunday.

The guys have got a lot of money bet on it.

Oh, well, Sol, he can't.

Why not?

Well, Rob promised to take me on a picnic Sunday.

Well, he can't take you on a picnic this Sunday,

he's gonna be fighting.

What are you doing Sunday, Rob?

Rob?

Champ?

Darling?

Well, uh--

[mutters] A picnic or I'm gonna fight.

Which?

Well, whatever I decide, I'm gonna be fighting

with somebody, I can see that.

Look, Rob, it's only one more fight,

and it's for the honor of special services.

Sol, I'd like to, but I promised.

Have Laura bring some sandwiches to the gym.

Boy, if you don't fight, they're gonna say you're a coward.

And if you're the best in special services

and you're a coward, that makes the rest of us cowards.

Now what's it gonna be champ?

What should I do, honey?

Well, just do whatever you think is right.

What's it gonna be, champ?

This is like a bad B movie.

I don't want to let my buddies down

and I promised my girlfriend.

Yeah.

Sol, a promise is a promise.

That's final?

Sol, I can't, I promised.

There's the rest of your beer.

You don't have to be in shape to go on a picnic.

Don't you worry, Rob, your friends will understand.

Oh, sure, that's what they said to Benedict Arnold.

The thing was, I really wanted a fight,

but I couldn't break my word to Laura.

Boy, it looks like Laura was wearing the pants in the family

before there was any family to wear pants in.

All right, so you went on the picnic

and you left Sol to fight the fight for you.

No, Rob fought the fight, Laura left him,

and Rob married somebody else.

Will you shut up, please, and come sit over here.

Let him tell his own story.

But Sally, you know something?

You're too good a nag to be single.

Is that a compliment?

I hope not.

Ah, forget it.

Come on, get on with the Patter Pitter.

Well, anyway the word got out that I wasn't gonna fight.

And a few guys in my outfit weren't too happy about that.

[whistle blowing]

That's it for Phys Ed.

OK, let's go.

Petrie, you take care of the equipment.

Again?

Hey, hello, champ.

Hi.

Listen, it's very sunny today, so when you go

out, don't be afraid, you hear?

It's only your shadow.

Very funny.

They think I'm afraid of Boom Boom Bailey.

They think I'm afraid just because of Laura.

I could take him with one hand.

Sergeant Petrie?

Oh, yes, sir.

You pack quite a salute there, Petrie.

Yes, sir, I forgot.

Bag's in good shape.

Now, Petrie, I'm not the type of officer to waste words.

I'm gonna level with you, I hear you're a coward.

That's-- that's leveling, sir.

As you know, sergeant, one rotten coward

can spoil the whole barrel.

Well, sir, I don't want to spoil your barrel.

I'm not-- I'm not a coward.

I want to believe that, Petrie,

but the people out there don't want to believe it.

Out where, sir?

The rest of the camp, Petrie.

They think the entertainment outfit has got it soft.

They don't realize it's just as hard to master a good soft shoe

as it is to blow up a t*nk.

Uh, yes, sir.

And when they call you coward, Petrie,

they're calling us all cowards.

Yes, sir.

But you can change all that, Petrie,

by fighting Boom Boom Bailey.

And you could b*at him, boy.

I know you could, I've seen you in that ring, fella.

You really move in there.

You've got the best footwork I've ever seen.

Well.

And I know good footwork when I see it, Petrie.

In civilian life, I was a choreographer.

Did you ever see a show called "Flashing Feet?"

No, I guess I missed that, sir.

Well, we did fold out of town.

We didn't quite make it to Broadway.

We folded in South Philly, but I created

this one great dance number, "The Dance of the Tambourines."

That's beside the point, Petrie.

Sir, I think I know what you're driving

at, and I just can't.

My girl, I promised her I'd stop fighting.

Petrie, I can't order you to fight.

However--

However, sir?

A rather significant however, Petrie?

Uh, extra duty, sir?

Among other things, but I could even

be more creative than that.

Uh, captain, in civilian life, would they call that blackmail?

Ten-hut!

Don't ever use that word in my presence.

I'm sorry, sir, I misunderstood.

Oh, you understood, just don't use that word.

Now what's it to be, Petrie.

We need a volunteer to fight Boom Boom Bailey.

May I do it, sir?

Good boy, Petrie.

Laura, you have to understand, I

cannot disobey a direct order.

Oh, it wasn't a direct order.

No, it wasn't, it was a direct thr*at.

I don't have any choice, honey.

I promise I will not get hurt.

Like you promised you wouldn't fight?

I promise I won't get hurt.

Wonderful, Rob.

So then when you're lying there on the canvas all broken

and bleeding, I'll have the huge satisfaction of saying, Rob,

you broke your promise again.

First place, I'm not gonna be on any canvas.

Oh, no?

Boom Boom Bailey sounds a lot tougher

than Pitter Patter Petrie.

He's not that tough.

He got that nickname Boom Boom because he was in the field

a*tillery and he had to get transferred because he

couldn't stand the noise.

Well, Rob, I couldn't stand the noise

of your face being broken.

Honey, you ought be there.

You could be my inspiration.

Oh, Rob, I started out inspiring

a guy who wanted to be a writer, a nice warm gentleman who

liked poetry and cowboy movies.

I just don't think I'd be very good at inspiring

you to clobber someone.

Honey, you can be my Lilli Palmer.

Your what?

Didn't you see the movie "Body and Soul?"

No, I don't like fight movies either.

Well, John Garfield was down for the count.

He looked up and he saw Lilli Palmer.

And she inspired him to get up and win the fight.

Well, I think you better get Lilli Palmer to inspire you.

Is that the way you want it?

No, Rob, it's not the way I want it.

I want to go on a picnic.

Hey, Rob, I gotta talk to you a minute.

What's she doing here?

Sol!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, Laura,

but you know what they say, fighting and dames don't mix.

You know something, Sol?

You're absolutely right, they don't.

Goodbye, Rob.

Is that goodbye or so long?

Well, I guess that's up to Boom Boom Bailey.

Laura?

Look what you did, you--

Don't worry about Laura, Rob.

She'll come around, they all do.

What do you want, Sol?

I want to talk to you about the odds on the fight.

There's a lot of big money coming in on you.

- Really? - Yes, sir.

Why this morning, the odds were 13 to 1 against you.

Now they're down to 11 to 1.

I thought I was a favorite.

Well, emotionally yes, financially no.

11 to 1, my gosh, they gave General

Custer better odds than that.

Look, Rob, with those odds, all we have to do

is put down a couple of bucks.

Then if by some gigantic fluke you should win--

Gigantic fluke?

Well, I mean, if you should get lucky.

Yeah, don't say another word, Sol.

Why not?

You're making me overconfident.

Turn the hands around. That's it.

That a baby.

Now let's see a little of the pitter patter in there.

- OK. - A little of the footwork.

That's enough, save it.

You're razor sharp.

Up on the table.

Now this is important.

I want you to remember this above all.

You got this now?

Every time Boom Boom goes to throw his right,

he drops his shoulder a little-- - Yeah.

--I think.

You got that?

Now the next thing that's important

is to relax in the ring.

I don't want any tensions at all in there.

What's the odds?

What's the difference?

They went up again, didn't they?

Well, this way we can make a bigger k*lling.

Oh, you've got a wonderful way with words, Sol.

I'm sorry, Rob.

Doggone it, I'd feel a lot better if Laura was here.

Will you forget about Laura and worry about Boom Boom?

Now here's another thing that's important.

I want you to stay out of his reach.

But just by chance if he should tag you,

don't worry about it because you can take his best punch.

Oh, doggone it, Sol.

I'm sorry.

That's all right, just leave it alone.

[knocking]

Come in.

Oh, Laura, you did come after all.

Rob, you're hurt already?

No, no, no.

Doctors always bandage your hands.

Oh.

Well, Rob, could I speak to you for a few minutes alone?

Huh?

Oh sure, I'll see you in the ring, champ.

Oh, Sol!

Sorry, pal.

It's OK.

Oh, honey, am I glad you're here.

I'm going out there and I'm gonna win that fight for you.

No, don't-- don't bother.

Rob, there's something I want to say.

What?

I've got it all figured out, Rob.

When you get in that ring, I want you to protect yourself

as much as you possibly can.

I want you to stay away from him at all times.

Right, right.

And when he hits you, I want you to fall down.

Right. Huh?

What are you saying?

I'm saying, the first time he hits you,

fall down and don't get up.

Honey, you're asking me to take a dive.

Well, I don't care what the technical term for it is,

just do it.

Oh, this isn't right.

The gangster's supposed to ask you take a dive, not your girl.

Rob, I love you and I don't want to see you hurt.

Honey, if I took a dive, I couldn't

look at myself in the mirror.

Rob, if you don't take a dive, you

won't be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

Rob, if you'd just think about it for a minute,

you'd see that I'm right.

Well, maybe not right, but what's it gonna hurt?

You know, something Laura?

You're no Lilli Palmer.

OK, Boom, Pitter, I want you to fight clean and protect

yourselves at all times.

Now shake hands and come out fighting.

[cheering and applause]

Save it, champ.

It's all right.

Rob, will you think about what I told you?

A great inspiration you turned out to be.

Rob, please! [bell rings]

Lay off, Laura.

Go get him, tiger.

[yelling and applause]

[thud]

[applause]

Stay away from him, Rob.

One, two, three--

Get up, Rob! Get up!

- Four! - Stay down, Rob!

Stay down! - Five!

Cut it out, lady!

Let go of my foot.

Come on.

Hey, she didn't mean that.

[yelling]

[thudding]

One!

One!

One!

One!

I think-- I think he out pointed me.

You'll get him this round, champ.

Don't worry about it.

I'm not worried.

If I could think, I would be.

[sneezes]

Will you cut that out, woman.

You're giving the champ a chill.

[bell rings]

What again?

- Go get him, tiger. - [inaudible]

Huh? Get in there and [inaudible].

Come on!

[yelling]

[thudding]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9!

[bell ringing]

[booing]

Aw, come on!

Come on, champ, over here, thattaboy.

That's right.

Sit over here, champ.

Sit right down there.

Oh, no!

I got so much to think about.

There we are.

Oh, look out.

Look out for his [inaudible].

That's it.

[laughs]

You all right, Rob?

Yeah.

Rob, what's the matter?

That poor Boom Boom, he thought he had me that time.

He's gotta do it all over again.

Take a little sniff of this, Rob.

You feel better now?

No, no.

Now I can feel the pain.

Oh, Rob.

Rob, please don't go in there again.

Give up, throw in the towel.

Nobody likes a quitter.

I love them.

Laura's right, don't take all that punishment, Rob.

I thought you were my friend, Sol.

I am, take a dive.

There's not a Lilli Palmer among you.

Well, thanks a lot, friends, one heck of a time

But there's no way you can win, Rob.

How about a knockout?

Oh, Rob, you haven't even hit him yet.

Did you ever think of that?

We'll see about that.

Give me another sh*t of those salts.

OK. [bell rings]

There you go.

Now I att*ck!

Get in there, tiger.

[yelling]

[groans]

[cheering and applause]

Wait a minute, first you tell us

you fight Boom Boom Bailey, now you want us

to believe you knocked him out? - Well, it's true.

Don't you believe me?

Oh sure, we believe you.

We also believe in Peter Pan and Tinker Bell.

We don't think you could b*at them either.

I swear it happened just the way I told you.

You knocked Boom Boom out or he let you knock him out?

Yeah, is that it?

Boom Boom felt sorry for you so he fell down?

Boy, he head a big heart.

No, he had a big appendix.

I hit him right in his acute appendix,

they rushed him to the hospital.

Oh, what a horrible way to win a fight.

Well, I didn't exactly win the fight, you know.

Wait a minute, you said you knocked him out.

I knocked him out, but I lost the fight

on a little technicality.

What?

The appendix is below the belt, remember?

Hey, Rob, you know something?

What?

You're no Lilli Palmer.

[theme music]