05x18 - The Curse of the Petrie People

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show."

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh boy, this is going to be a swell party.

Real champagne, cloth napkins, clean plates.

Clean plates?

You sure we're supposed to be here?

I don't know.

All I know is my mom and dad told us to have a party,

and said we can invite the whole world if we wanted to.

Well, if this is the whole world, I want to get off.

Hey, how come Jerry isn't here?

He's giving a lecture on wisdom teeth.

It's not easy to be a dentists wife.

I'm finding it hard to be anybody's wife.

Hey Rob, maybe they're giving you the party for a surprise

for your birthday.

It's not my birthday.

Perfect, you'd never suspect.

Oh hi honey, let me help you.

Laura, do you know what this party's all about?

No.

Hey Rob, maybe your folks are splitting up.

They'd never throw a party for that.

Well, Pickles and I would.

Listen, I know what the surprise is Laura.

Your in-laws are going to move in with you.

Oh, I don't think so.

Gee, I'd like to have in-laws move in with me.

And bring their son.

Well, you can stop wondering about it now.

Hey, if they got police then shut the door quick.

Hi mom.

- Hi. - Dad.

Hi Rob.

My boy.

Hug Laura.

Hi mother.

Everybody here?

Yeah.

Hey, is the surprise out in the car?

Come on, I'll help you get it.

No, it's right here in this room.

Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Oh, yes and no.

What is it dad?

Well, I won't tell you until we've had something to eat,

I don't tell surprises on an empty stomach.

Come on, come on give us a hint.

Well, I'll tell you this much.

The surprise will affect the life of someone

here in this room tonight.

Gee, I certainly hope it's me.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, that was delicious.

Boy, your dinner set me back 10,000 calories.

Yeah, that eggplant was great.

Laura, you're such a good hostess.

Well, I'm not so sure about that.

What?

You didn't eat all your carrots and peas.

Oh mom.

You know, he never did clean up his plate even as a child.

Then I wouldn't let him have his dessert.

Dad, you said to wait till after dinner.

Can we hear the surprise now?

Yeah, yeah I'm ready now.

Put a head on that, will you son.

Oh, OK.

I suppose you're all wondering why we're here.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

I want to propose a toast to Laura.

To me?

Yeah.

Laura is our little surprise.

You're going to have a baby?

No, she's not.

Well, why are we here?

Not very many people realize it,

it but we Petrie's, underneath our rough exterior,

have a pretty sentimental foundation.

Is that it?

Is that the surprise?

Yeah.

We're pretty sentimental, and we think

a lot of our little family.

Although Clara never did like Laura.

Stop.

Well, if we're going to b*at the rain we better get going.

I have always liked Laura.

It's just that she was hard to understand.

And it's not because we weren't invited to the wedding.

Oh, mom.

[inaudible] I was in the army.

Well, don't I know you were in the army.

Didn't I cry every time I saw the star in the window?

Oh, well that's all water under the bridge now.

Yeah, and that's why we're here.

To officially accept Laura as a member of the Petrie family.

Well that's funny, I accepted her the day Richie was born.

I'll drink to that.

Most of us did.

But, we Petrie's have a family tradition.

Yeah, of not getting to the point.

We're here to pass on the family heirloom

to the wife of the first married son.

Well, Congratulations honey.

I never thought you'd make it.

Oh, you knew about this?

Oh well, I knew there was a family heirloom.

You know, after nine years I thought maybe

you were out of the running.

When do we get to see it?

Yeah, I've never seen an heirloom close up before.

You've seen my wife.

Well, I have it right here.

Come on over Laura and get the pin.

What is that?

Well, it's the United States in broach form.

Solid gold.

What have you got to say about that now daughter?

Gosh mother, dad.

There.

I don't know if I deserve this.

I mean, I hope I justify your trust and--

and when Richie gets married--

I trust that whoever the girl is,

you will make sure that she deserves that.

Hey, why don't we get some kid now and put her on probation.

Well, thank you both.

And I'll always treasure it.

Really something, isn't it?

Oh my, yes.

It's so unusual.

It's the only one of its kind.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

Isn't it so very interesting?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

It's not only interesting.

It's so big.

I mean, marvelously big.

Yeah, well that little pin there tells the history

of the whole Petrie family.

Each diamond represents the birthplace of a male Petrie.

Now, that little blue diamond in New Rochelle is for Richie.

Yeah, that's-- that's me in Danville honey.

Isn't that cute?

Oh.

And that's me up there in Seattle.

So, you see Laura, on your chest

we have placed the proud tradition of the Petrie family.

So, be proud.

When you wear it, hold your head up high.

Well, I'll certainly try.

I'll do my best.

That's quite a little heirloom.

It has a family curse and everything.

Sam.

A curse?

Yeah, of beauty.

I never heard anything about a curse.

What's the curse?

Oh, there isn't any curse.

Well, when a mans stone drops out, he dies.

I'd call that a curse, wouldn't you?

OK, that's probably one of the top 10 curses.

Would you see that empty setting there in Pittsburgh?

That was Uncle Jonah.

Was?

Yeah, stone dropped out, Uncle Jonah drop dead.

Pow.

Well, Uncle Jonah was an old man.

He was 87.

But, he d*ed and that's the important thing.

But Sam, it was six months later.

There's nothing more horrible than a slow, lingering death.

Sam Petrie, one more word out of you and I'm leaving.

thr*aten me again Clair, I'll knock my own stone out.

Now Laura, don't you worry about any silly old curse dear.

You just cherish that, and enjoy it the same as I did.

Well, thank you mother.

And I'll certainly take very, very good care of it.

Well, I certainly hope you do.

Of course, I had hoped to wear it at Rob's wedding--

Oh, mom.

Don't worry Mrs. Petrie, you may get another chance.

Oh, no.

As long as the rest of the family's accepted her,

I'll accept her myself.

Oh boy.

Well, I guess I'll see about dessert.

Oh, can I help you, honey?

Would you?

Yeah, excuse us.

Isn't that brooch beautiful?

Pound for pound, that's one of the top 10 brooches

in the whole business.

I'll drink to that.

How do you like the brooch?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Well, what was that for?

Well, you're kind of cute when you're lying.

How come them you never told me about this?

I was afraid you'd leave me, that's why.

Bet you never thought the family heirloom

was a map of the United States.

No.

I really don't know whether to wear it or keep

it in the glove compartment.

Well, now you know why I wanted my brother

to get married first.

I guess we shouldn't laugh though.

With a curse on it and all.

Yeah.

Although I think the real curse is having to wear it.

It's going to ruin every blouse I own.

Well, just look at it this way honey.

It's not the thought, it's the ugliness behind it.

Well, I know what you mean.

And it was a very nice gesture.

Only--

Only what?

Well, I'm just not the type to wear it.

I mean, your mother can get away with it.

But-- - I beg your pardon.

Well darling, let's face it.

I just don't look very good with a map of the United

States pinned to my chest.

Honey, there is no type.

Well, your mother is.

Well listen, your mother's not exactly Mrs. Fashion plate

either you know.

Oh, well now Rob.

As far as taste is concerned--

You want to talk about taste?

What about those crazy dandelions?

What dandelions?

That dumb hat that your mother wears all the time.

Oh, Darling there's one big difference.

You see, my mother didn't give you the dandelion hat to wear.

Why are you bringing my mother into this anyway?

Why not? You brought my mother into it.

Well, you're the one who said the brooch is ugly.

Honey, let's not argue about that.

All right, there's no argument about that.

- You going to do the dishes? - No, why?

When you do I want to help you.

I want to make sure you don't throw

that down the garbage disposal.

But Darling, it could only improve it.

[music playing]

Oh Millie, you don't have to help with the dishes.

Good, I'll see you tomorrow.

Aw, come on I always help you.

OK.

Listen, that was a good party.

It's too bad the occasion didn't live up to the celebration.

Yeah.

Boy, I may have bad taste, but that thing.

Who'd ever think gold and diamonds could be so ugly.

Yeah.

You know, I'm beginning to wonder if that thing does

have a curse.

Rob and I almost had an argument about it.

You mean he likes it?

No, no.

But, it led to a discussion of mothers.

What was that?

Oh, I hope it's not one of my good spoons.

Listen, I don't have a decent teaspoon left.

Whatever it is it's stuck.

It doesn't feel like a spoon.

Maybe it's a fork.

Millie, where's my brooch?

How should I know?

I put it right there Millie.

Oh, how could you?

That's where I put the cake plates!

Oh listen, you don't think they were all sticky and everything.

You don't think-- Oh, that's what happened!

Oh Millie, that's just what Rob said would happen.

Oh, I hope it's not a total disaster.

Honey, bad news.

Wonderful.

Hey, that's the attitude.

Just roll with those punches.

I was just putting them in the car

and mother said she wants to take

us to dinner Saturday night.

Oh, that's not so bad.

Well, it's to celebrate the brooch.

She wants you to wear it.

Oh, Rob.

Well honey, don't worry about it.

We'll eat in a dark restaurant.

Rob, I just can't.

I mean, well the only dress I have clean

is a low cut strapless.

Where would I wear the pin?

Won't work.

My folks will expect you to have your shoulder pierced.

I don't blame you honey.

It just this once, huh?

You'll just [inaudible] well.

And whenever else my mother comes to town.

Yeah.

I'm going to put the cat out.

You don't have a cat.

The Stein's cat is in my car again.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh Millie, how am I going to wear that?

Wow.

You know something?

Maybe there is a curse on that thing.

Well, if that's true you, and I just wiped

out the entire Petrie family.

What's Rob going to say?

Oh, nothing.

Jerry would k*ll me.

No, not Rob.

Really?

I'm not going to tell him.

Well, there's Danville, New Rochelle,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Ladies, may I help you?

Are you Mr. Matthews?

No.

Well, who's the one that changed the initials

on Mrs. Dine's serving tray?

That was me.

I'm Mr. Mark.

Matthew's, Marks, I knew it was something from the Bible.

Do you repair jewelry?

I'd rather sell it.

Well, I need something repaired.

When you're not buying, I'm repairing.

All right, let's see what's going on.

All right, right over here please.

Thank you.

These little stones go in those little holes.

Can you fix it?

Well, that depends.

On what?

On what it is.

It's a brooch.

It was a brooch, hey?

Now, could you describe what it looked

like before it was run over?

Yes.

It looked like the United States.

Of America?

Yeah.

Isn't that dumb?

Is that an award or something?

Yeah, in a way.

It was a gift.

Do you think you can fix it?

If I can't fix it, nobody can.

Then you can fix it?

Nobody can.

It's too far gone, it's too broken up.

What is that state that sticks out?

Florida.

Oh, well that went down the drain.

Couldn't you glue on a new Florida?

I don't know.

Maybe I could do something.

United States.

Uh, you wouldn't settle for Czechoslovakia, would you?

No, I'm afraid not.

A Cock-eyed Poland?

No, it's the United States or nothing.

You've got it.

Nothing.

Listen, your mother-in-law is going to k*ll you.

Your mother-in-law gave you this?

Yes.

Say no more.

Do you know what my gave us for our wedding gift?

What?

An oil painting of Coney Island.

If you describe it, maybe I could make you a new one.

Well, as I said it's shaped like the United States.

That I can get from my grandson's geography.

And there's a diamond to show where each Petrie was born.

What's a Petrie?

I'm a Petrie.

That's our name.

Oh, probably was Petrovski before they changed it.

All right, and where do the stones go?

Where do the rest of the stones go?

Well, there's one in Illinois.

Oh, that's around Chicago, yes.

Yes.

And there's one right here in New Rochelle.

Oh, that's easy.

That's the cute little blue one.

The blue one, I got you.

Right here.

All right, and what about the rest of the stones?

Where do they go?

That's all I remember.

All right, I'll tell you what I will do.

I will make you up a new United States.

Brand new.

And when you find out where the rest of the stones go,

you call me.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Can you have it by Saturday?

Saturday?

Impossible, absolutely impossible.

Well, we'll just have to try another jeweler.

Nothing is that impossible.

You'll have it Saturday.

Thank you very much.

Gee Millie, how am I going to ask Rob

where those other stones lived?

It's easy, you just flirt while you're asking.

[music playing]

What was that for?

Oh Darling, what do I usually kiss you for?

Oh yeah, for wearing a shaving lotion.

But I'm not wearing it.

But you're still irresistible.

Thanks.

So, red five on the black six there.

Oh, thank you.

Solitaire's nice.

Helps pass the time.

Yeah.

I do the same thing.

When I do the dishes.

Don't the cards get a little soggy?

Well no, I mean I just make up little games

to help pass the time, take my mind off the work.

Oh, good.

You want to know what kinds of little games?

No.

I'm sorry, what kind of games?

Well, just, you know, silly little games.

Kind of like all the presidents of the United States,

and the state capitals.

Oh, that's nice.

Like just now when I was doing the dishes

I was trying to remember where all the stones on the brooch

go.

I need a black seven.

Well, why don't you put your duce up there.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't do too well with the brooch game.

Well, that's too bad, but it's kind of a tough game honey.

Wow, is it.

I only got two.

I bet you couldn't really come up with too many either.

Oh, probably not.

Oh, I bet you can.

Why don't you try?

OK.

What is it?

There's Danville, and there's New Rochelle.

Rumsen, Trenton, Phoenix, Syracuse, Detroit,

Seattle, and St. Louis.

And that's all.

Where's Rumsen?

It's on Sandy Hook.

You know it, it's in New Jersey.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh, writing them down.

What for?

So I can study for the next time I play the game.

Study?

It's silly Rob, forget about it.

Honey, why study when you can look at the brooch?

Well, that would be cheating.

It's silly Rob, just forget about it.

You can look at the brooch, can't you?

Oh look.

There's the black 7 you were looking

for right under the red 6.

Honey, why can't you look at the brooch?

You lost it. - No, I didn't--

It's been stolen.

No, it wasn't stolen.

Honey, something terrible has happened to the brooch.

Now, make it easy on us just tell me.

Rob, you remember the other night

when you said that I was going to throw the brooch

down the garbage disposal?

You did!

No!

I dropped it down the garbage disposal.

The Petrie brooch?

Yes Rob. It was an accident.

In the Garbage

I didn't do it on purpose.

Well, why did you do not on purpose?

Oh Rob, what kind of a question is that?

Well honey, when a wife grinds up the husband's family--

what you--

But Rob, I said it was an accident.

Why you could have--

You could have lost it.

You could have sold it.

You could have dropped--

But your grind it.

Rob, I didn't grind it on purpose.

Oh boy, honey, ugly or not, my family's

kept that brooch in perfect condition for 1,000 years.

Well, Rob.

And you--

I'm having the brooch replaced.

And I said I'm sorry.

I mean, what more can a person do?

Don't cry.

Well really Rob.

Well, I'm sorry I made you cry.

I'm sorry I said anything to make you cry.

I'm sorry you dropped the brooch down the garbage disposal.

Are you really sorry?

Yeah, of course I am honey.

Wait a minute, why am I sorry?

You know Rob, I don't blame you for being mad at me.

It was so stupid.

But, it really wasn't all my fault.

Well, you don't have to explain.

What do you mean it wasn't all your fault?

Well, I--

It was nobody's fault. I put the brooch there on the counter,

and then Millie came over to help me do the dishes

and there was cake stuck on the bottom of it.

And the pin must've been stuck on it.

And it went--

I see.

For a second there I thought you were going to pin

part of this disaster on me.

Well no.

I wouldn't do that.

Are you going to tell your mother?

Oh no, of course not honey.

You promise?

Yeah, I promise.

Now you're an accessory.

Huh?

It's not going to get here on time Rob.

Honey, I called the jeweller.

They said it left over an hour ago.

I'll be here any minute.

So will your parents.

What if somebody robbed the messenger?

One look and they'll give it back.

Well, that's either the pin or my parents.

I feel like the guy in the story, the lady or the tiger.

Oh, it's him.

I hope it's in time.

Oh, it's beautiful, it's beautiful.

Really.

I'll be right with you folks.

It's beautiful, just beautiful!

I said just a minute!

Thank you very, very much.

Well, I'm Mr. Mark.

Mr. Mark.

No, no, no I own the store.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Come right in folks.

Honey, it's mom and dad.

Well, who was that?

A delivery boy.

Well, why did you slam the door in our faces?

Laura was undressed.

I didn't want you to see her.

Oh, the delivery boy could see her but we couldn't?

Well no.

She was-- She wasn't undressed, she didn't have the pin on.

We wanted you to see her with the pin on.

It's mom and dad.

Hi mom and dad.

Hug Laura.

Laura dear.

Mother.

Oh Sam, doesn't it look nice on Laura.

Well, of course.

She's a real Petrie now.

I'm a real Petrie all right.

Yup.

Hey, where are we going to eat?

Oh, I thought we'd go to the spotlight room.

The spotlight room?

Yeah fine, the brighter the better.

[screaming]

What's wrong?

Uncle Jonah, he's come back.

What?

The stone is back in Pittsburgh.

Oh, is that all?

Well, they probably had him replaced.

Yeah, we probably had him replaced.

But, Richie isn't in New Rochelle, he's in Seattle.

What are you talking about Claire?

Why, the whole brooch is different.

Holy smokes!

I'm in Denver now.

The whole family is cursed.

Well, don't be silly.

You have see that thing a couple of days now.

You probably forgot.

Oh Rob, you don't forget a family heirloom.

Rob, it's no use.

Mother, you're going to go back to hating me.

But, the other night I accidentally dropped the brooch

down the garbage disposal.

And it was accidentally ground up.

I was so ashamed, that I took it to a jeweler

and I had him make a duplicate.

Sam, Sam get me a chair.

A hard one.

Oh, mother.

There you are.

Sit.

Mother, I don't blame you for what you're thinking

because believe me, I've been thinking

the very same thing myself.

I'm just so ashamed, and so sorry.

I don't know what to say.

She really is.

Oh, what she did.

Well mom, it was an accident.

She said she's sorry.

Going to all that trouble to duplicate that ugly brooch.

Ugly?

You know it's ugly?

Why do you think I always wore it under a jacket?

Well mom, if you didn't like it, why did you wear it at all?

It stood for family, that's why.

And now this new brooch can stand for just as much.

Even more.

Why, it must have taken a fortune

to duplicate that thing.

I told you you'd like her if you got to know her.

Boy, a family crisis really gives you an appetite.

I'm hungry, let's go eat.

Well, Laura don't you want to go and change

your clothes first dear?

Why?

You know, put on something with a nice jacket.

Oh, mom.

I don't care who sees it tonight.

I've been telling you for nine years she wasn't all bad.

Honey, what did the brooch cost?

Well, it was--

Uh, dad.

Your dinner's on you tonight.

I still think $20 is too much to pay for steamed vegetables.

But Sam, there were little pieces of chicken and pork

in it.

Well, all I got was that darn grass.

Well dad, you said you liked Chinese food.

Oh, I know.

But I'm not going to be cooperative that way anymore.

I'm still hungry.

Well, I'll go put some coffee on.

Well thanks.

And get some cheese and crackers.

You got any oatmeal?

I feel hungry.

Dad, you had the best time of anybody.

And you also got the best fortune cookie.

Oh, I know it.

I was just toying around with you.

I never saw mother enjoy a party more.

I just can't get over what our Laura did.

You know Claire, I don't think we

ought to wait till next year.

For what?

To give Laura the earrings.

Earrings?

Yeah.

Hawaii and Alaska.

What do you say to that?

How about I start wearing my hair like this.

I did.

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