05x24 - Talk to the Snail

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show", starring d*ck Van d*ke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, Rob, we'll never find it.

We gotta find it.

Well, do we have to find it tonight?

I got a date.

Do you wanna tell Alan Brady we lost this week's script?

Rob, it's almost 6 o'clock.

And they pick up all his junk at 7 o'clock.

It's gotta be here someplace.

Herman Glimscher will forgive if you're a few minutes late.

That's fine, except I'm going out to Douglas Bedlork.

How's that, a new fella?

Yeah, brand new.

I don't think he's ever been used before.

You know something?

Those second hand guys that look like new can't be trusted.

Ho, ho ho, make jokes.

It's your fault we're down here, you know.

Well, go ahead, blame me for being neat.

I suppose I was wrong to try and tidy up the office.

No, but you were wrong to throw out this week's script.

Well, I didn't do it on purpose.

ROB PETRIE: Look, arguing will not help find it.

No, but it makes looking a lot easier.

Come on, the janitor said that all the Alan Brady stuff

was in the back barrel here.

Hey, look it is.

Maybe if I keep looking, I'll find

the rest of the girl in here.

Oh, boy, here's all of stuff that Buddy throw out.

Most of these things back here are memos from Alan.

This one just says, shut up.

[chuckles]

It's probably from Mel.

Here's one.

Well, this from the network to Alan.

It says increased production cost--

Well, what's it say?

Oh, no-- not a thing.

Well, then, how come you've got nothing in your pocket?

Oh, um, I just had a big paper clip on here and I was--

I like saving them.

Oh.

Hey, hallelujah.

Hey, either she found the script or she got religious.

Both.

I prayed for it, and I found it.

Hey, look at that, she got the script.

Yeah, well, great, great.

Great?

Don't be so enthused.

You all right, Rob?

Yeah, why, it's probably just the heat from this furnace.

It's-- - Oh.

And the script is not good anyway.

[chuckles]

Look, why don't you guys go on home?

I wanna clean up a little bit out here.

Then I'll, you know, rewrite all this a little bit.

Don't you touch one word to that script.

It's perfect.

Listen, if Douglas Bedlork calls,

will you tell him not to move off the corner

and I'll pick them up in 10 minutes.

- OK. - Goodnight.

Goodnight, Rob.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, there was a script on the way upstairs.

Don't worry, I won't.

lose it-- it maybe our last group together.

I just can't believe it, Rob.

They're actually going to fire Buddy or Sally?

It's right here in a memo.

You can read it for yourself in black and white and purple.

There's grape jelly stains all over it,

but read it between the stains.

"Network memo to Alan Brady.

Increased production costs, necessitate budget cuts.

You are hereby instructed to cut back writing stuff."

ROB PETRIE: That's staff.

Oh, well, I couldn't see from the grape jelly.

You see, cutting back writing staff by one member.

Every time they have trouble with a budget, that

go straight for the writers.

Why didn't you discuss this with Buddy or Sally

when you found it?

Oh, no, honey, I was too shocked.

God, you know I've been with those two

almost as long as I've been with you.

Like in a divorce.

Then maybe you can talk Alan out.

Honey, that memo is from the network.

There are Alan's boss, like I was Buddy and Sally's boss.

Boy, that Alan.

I bet he'll make you do the f*ring.

He will.

I almost rather quit myself then fire those two.

Of course, they'd get a job at a minute.

Oh, of course they can.

Well, not in the middle of the season, they can't.

LAURA PETRIE: Hey, rob.

Doggonit, we were such a good team.

If you had to do it, which one would you--

ROB PETRIE: Fire.

The word is fire.

You can't even say it, how can I do it?

Well, if you could say it, which one would you say to?

I don't know.

If I was forced to make a choice,

well, let's look at what they have to offer individually.

Buddy is very good with the big jokes.

Sally's good with visual comedy.

But Sally's the only one who can type with all our fingers.

Buddy's got a great joke file, of course.

Yeah, and you've always said that Sally's always on time.

Yeah.

So that's one for her.

Honey, don't start with new fingers, we're using mine.

Well, I mixed up-- erase.

You know what I think we ought to do?

I think you ought to call them right now.

Maybe the three of you can figure something out.

Call them night?

Alan will probably make you do it tomorrow morning.

Yeah, that's right.

It's important enough to get them over here for.

A man's got to face up to certain responsibilities,

I guess.

So does his wife, bake some brownies.

LAURA PETRIE: Why?

Honey, when they hear news like that,

they're gonna want a good stiff drink.

Rob, Buddy and Sally don't drink.

I know, so you better have some brownies to offer them.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, Buddy. - Oh, hi, Rob.

I'm sorry to get you out this time of night.

Was Pickle's mad? - Nah.

Her mother was coming over.

And it's easier for them to louse me up if I'm not there.

Where's Sally?

She's helping Doug park the car.

Oh, she couldn't shake Doug, huh?

She didn't want to shake Doug.

That guy is a great audience for her.

He laughs at everything she says.

Oy.

Hey, what was the big secret on the phone

you couldn't tell me about?

Well, it's not exactly a big secret, Buddy.

I'd like to wait until Sally comes.

Hi, Buddy.

Oh, hello.

How are you?

I think I'm sick.

Hey, you kissed me like you were taking my temperature.

Oh, well--

No, you look great.

Sit down, have a-- have a brownie.

Have as many as you want.

All right, I'll take four of them.

[doorbell rings]

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Douglas Bedlork, Sally's date.

[chuckles] - That's good.

- Hi, Rob. - Oh, hi, Sally.

Hi, Sally.

I didn't know you were bringing someone.

I didn't, I brought Doug.

I didn't-- I didn't spoil your evening, did I?

Oh, no.

Nothing can spoil Doug's evening.

No, no.

I just love show people.

My uncle's was Lou Pitlork.

Oh.

He used to play spoons at Proctors in Jersey.

Oh, yeah.

You know him?

No, but I know a lot of spoons.

DOUG BEDLORK: [laughs]

Ah, Rob, why are we here?

ROB PETRIE: Oh, I'll tell you in a minute.

Sal-- let's all sit down here first.

Sally, have a brownie.

OK.

Have as many as you want.

OK, I'll take one.

Hey, you got three coming.

Oh, I'm sorry, sorry.

That's all right, Rob.

I always like my brownies well done.

[laughs] Oh, this is a riot.

Won't you have a seat?

Oh, no, thanks.

I sat all the way up here.

Yeah, I wouldn't let him stand up in the car.

DOUG BEDLORK: [laughs] OK, Rob.

What are we doing here tonight.

I'm afraid what I have to say isn't very--

Sally, Buddy, I'm just going to come as a surprise

to both of you, I know.

You remember-- you're-- well, you might as well

just read it for yourself.

There it is, read it.

It's a little sticky, but read it.

[laughs]

This guy is some laughter.

I might take you out myself sometime.

DOUG BEDLORK: [continues laughing]

Douglas sit, stay.

Douglas, would-- would you like a brownie?

[laughs]

Hey, Rob, where'd you get this?

ROB PETRIE: Well, I follow it at basement tonight,

but I didn't tell you because I was--

SALLY ROGERS: Chicken.

Yeah, chicken.

[chuckles] Read it.

Well, if you must know, it says that one of us

is gonna get the x.

So I can't fire either one of you guys.

I don't know what to do.

SALLY ROGERS: Well, this memo was dated three days ago

and Alan hasn't said anything yet.

He will.

He can't ignore the network.

Yeah, he's more afraid of the network than Mel's of him.

Yeah, he's probably waiting for just the right moment

to tell us that were fired.

Yeah, like Christmas.

[laughs] That's funny.

[whistles]

[coughing]

Hey, Buddy, Sally, you know, don't you,

that Rob loves you both.

There's just no way he can make a decision like this.

Yeah, I guess it's very rough.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why are we feeling sorry for him?

He got his job.

Well, I'm not looking for sympathy,

I'm looking for an answer.

Well, how about, eeny, meeny, miny--

Well, that's no way to decide.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

My way would wind up with f*ring Laura.

[chuckles]

Well, come on.

Where we going?

Back to town.

Wait a minute, Sal.

We don't decide anything.

Rob, it's not your problem.

It's up to Buddy and me to decide between ourselves

who should resign.

It's my responsibility.

Oh, no, Sally is right.

If you fire either one of us, we'll both hate you.

Ah, could-- could--

could I make a suggestion?

Well, yeah.

Well, when I'm faced with a problem like this, well,

I take out this piece of paper that I keep in my wallet

and-- and it always helps me.

What are you gonna do, read your driver's license?

[laughs]

"If you strike a thorn on a rose, keep it going.

If it hails or if it snows, keep it going.

Ain't no use to sit and whine when a fishing on your line.

Bait your hook and keep it trying, keep it going."

Yeah, keep it going, Douglas.

"When the winter kills your crop--"

I made my decision, I mean it.

I couldn't fire either one of you guys, I couldn't.

If anybody leaves here, I wanna quit with you.

Hey, do you mean that?

Yeah, we're a writing team, and we're gonna stay a team

even if it isn't on this show.

You mean to say that you'd give up your job for us?

Yeah.

Compared to you, I'm a rat.

Compared to a rat, you're a rat.

Honestly, I don't think Alan can afford

to lose this whole staff.

If we just make a united stand, the three of us,

he can't afford to let us go.

Hey, you're right.

How about a g*ng?

All right.

All for one and two for five.

Wait, it's almost noon.

Don't you think we ought to be hearing something from Alan?

Well, I sure hope we hear something.

I hate this suspense.

I hate this whole thing.

I hate that whole thing.

Rob, Alan asked me to--

why are you all standing like that?

We're trying out for a toboggan team.

Mel, I know that Alan wants to see me in the office,

but we're all three going up there together.

No, no, Alan's in Pittsburgh, he'll be back tomorrow.

And he wants that laundry room sketch done by then.

Is that all he said?

You didn't leave anything out, Mel?

- What do you mean? - No, he's not lying.

When he lies, his whole head gets pink.

Is there some sort of a problem?

No, no, nothing.

Well, is there anything I can do in Alan's absence?

Yeah, join him.

Boy, I've never see Mel that mad.

He broke your pencil.

You know what that means?

What?

I'm gonna have to use my pen.

Oh.

What are we making jokes for anyway?

It isn't fair.

Here we're all set to tell Alan off and he's not here.

We can't just walk up to an empty desk and say, we quit.

No, maybe we should tell Mel.

That's the same as talking to an empty desk.

What do you think, Rob?

Wait a minute.

What kind of a leader are you?

The weak silent type.

I just can't figure out why Alan's waiting so long to tell

me that I got to fire somebody.

All I know is if we're going to be fired, we

better line up something else.

SALLY ROGERS: Right.

ROB PETRIE: Well, it wouldn't hurt to do some looking around.

SALLY ROGERS: Yeah. ROB PETRIE: The only--

I wish it wasn't the middle of the season.

Nobody's looking for writers now.

Hey, Jelly Bean is.

- Who? - Jelly Bean.

Did you see this article?

Ventriloquist, Claude Wilbur and Jelly Bean

are going on mid-season to replace Disco Go-go.

Jelly Beans is that that little snail puppet?

Wait a minute, he's not so little.

Did five big hit shows on "Ed Sullivan",

they're giving him his own program,

mid-season with a big budget.

Well, sure we're talking to him.

I gonna call my agent.

Oh, Rob.

Marge, give me George Shapiro, please.

Thank you.

Rob, look, I ain't writing for no animals.

I'm a writer, not a veterinarian.

But this is a step up.

You're going from Alan the worm to Claude the snail.

Rob, Rob, come right in.

Come right in.

It's so nice to meet you.

Well, nice to meet you Mr. Wilbur.

Oh, call me Claude.

Oh, Claude, OK.

Ah, you know, Rob, I'm a very big fan

of the "Alan Brady Show" and that makes

me a very big fan of yours.

Oh, thank you very much.

Incidentally, congratulations on getting your own show.

Oh, it's, ah-- yes, it's a big step for Jelly Bean.

He needs talented men like you.

Oh, and incidentally, I'm also representing my staff, ah,

Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, ah, I guess you might as well meet him now.

He gets a little feisty when he's left out of things.

Who?

The Jelly Bean.

Come over here, Rob.

I want you to say hello to Jelly Bean.

Oh, Jelly Bean.

Jelly Bean?

Jelly Bean?

Ah, Rob, would you call Jelly Bean, please?

He's not talking to me.

[clears throat] Call him?

Yes, yes, just call him.

Hello, Jelly Bean.

Ah, I don't--

I don't think he heard you.

Would you call him again?

Ah, Jelly Bean?

Yeah.

[chuckles] Hi, Jelly Bean.

Yeah, he's cute.

Ah, Jelly Bean, this is Mr. Petrie.

Mhm.

Mr. Petrie, I am not talking to him until he apologizes.

ROB PETRIE: Oh?

He's the one who should apologize.

Oh, why don't you apologize to him.

Why don't you butt out?

[laughs] This could be funny.

Not with him around.

Ah, Jelly Bean, please.

Mr. Petrie is here for a visit.

He's here for the job.

Yes.

Well, let's get down to business.

Mr. Petrie, how long have you been with Alan Brady?

I've been with him about seven years.

Well, actually, I started out as a disk jockey in--

Don't talk to him, I'm asking the questions.

[chuckles]

Talk to him, please.

Talk to me!

What?

Mr. Wilbur, I feel kind of funny talking to a snail.

Ah, would you prefer talking to a jerk?

I have to take you in hand for that Jelly Bean.

In hand, that's very funny.

[laughs]

I'll decide what's funny.

Ow!

CLAUDE WILBUR: Jelly Bean!

Ah, eh, did that hurt?

No, not really.

Well, then, how is it here?

Ow!

Jelly Bean, please.

So now to continue.

Do you had a resume with you?

Oh, yes, I do.

Ah, thank you.

Do you have another copy?

Oh.

[laughs] You-- you got me believing him all of sudden.

Give it to him.

Huh?

The copy.

Yes, ah.

Thank you.

I'll eat it later.

I guess you, ah-- you want me to kind

of think of him as being a human being so I can write for him.

Is that it?

Oh, do you think you can do my sort of stuff?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, I'm sure we can.

Well, they're not definitely off the "Brady Show" yet.

ROB PETRIE: Oh, that's right, yeah.

Yes, I know.

His agent tells me so.

CLAUDE WILBUR: Oh, I see what--

JELLY BEAN: Have you ever seen me work?

Oh, yes, my son just loves you.

Oh, yes, we owe a great deal to children.

Oh, cut the source.

You hate kids worst than I do.

That is not true Jelly Bean and you--

Are you calling me a liar?

Well, I never said--

He's calling me a liar.

Did you hear him call me a liar?

Oh, not actually.

Who asked you?

Well, you did.

I mean, he did. - Ow!

Stop, Jelly Bean!

Jelly Bean, wait.

Jelly Bean.

He keeps hitting me.

Jelly Bean.

Ah, Mr. Petrie, I must tell you that we have two

other characters in our show.

There's Deauville the crow and Irving the mouse.

ROB PETRIE: Oh, they're wonderful.

Oh, they stink.

I am the main character.

I do the, ah, sophisticated comedy, not that puppet

material like punch and, ah--

ah--

Judy.

Don't you think I know that.

He better not hit me again.

I'm not kidding you now.

But he's-- need to understand, he's merely trying

to show you how real he is.

Well, I'm real too and my head's start to hurt.

Well, ah, Mr. Petrie, now one very important thing.

On this new hour format, I would like very much

to do some topical material and also some controversial things.

[chuckles] Do you think the world is ready

for a controversial snail?

The world is ready for anything that's done well.

That's why I was so delighted by the prospect of meeting you.

Well, thank you. That's very nice.

Ah, naturally, we're prepared to offer more

than Alan Brady was paying.

Ooh, that's sounds pretty good.

Hey, what would you say to 10% as an increase?

Wow.

You could have gotten him for five, dummy.

Well, I'm just absolutely delighted.

I can hardly wait to work with you and your staff.

And I hope you took no offense at anything that Jelly

Bean might have said. That's the way he is.

No, I understand.

Well, what do you think, Rob?

Well, I tell you, I have to talk to Buddy and Sally

tonight.

Oh, yes, you do that and then get back to us.

I'd like very much to work with you.

I-- I like your style.

Oh, thank-- I admire your antenna.

Well, then grab one and shake.

OK.

My, what a weak handshake.

Eh, Jelly Bean.

Jelly Bean, please.

Give us a kiss.

No.

I do wish to apologize for Jelly Bean,

but I've had such a bad, bad day.

I understand.

He understands.

He and I have a relationship, isn't that so?

Well, I think so.

Well, I should be waiting most impatiently

to hear what you're--

Oh, enough of him.

Comb my hair.

The master speaks.

Oh, that's OK.

Well, so long, everybody.

I just wish it hadn't been like a Twilight Zone

up in that apartment.

He-- he kept hitting me on the head.

Why'd you hit him back?

You can't hit a puppet.

Alan hits Mel.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe we're making a mistake.

This ventriloquist sounds like he has a split

personality or something.

I mean with Alan, at least we know he's crazy all the time.

Hey, look.

I know that this is basically you three's problem--

the three of you's, ah--

ah--

Who's working your mouth?

Would just me threes, us threes problem-- go ahead.

Yeah, it's your problem.

But I know you guys, you're not gonna be happy writing

jokes for a piece of cloth.

What do you mean?

I mean, it's a big job on the variety show,

and he offered it at 10% more than we're making right now.

Sure.

What's wrong with working for a snail?

Snail herder do it all the time.

Well, it's all academic anyway.

If the thing that doesn't work out with Alan,

this is the only mid-season show open.

[phone rings]

I don't know.

I've been a ghostwriter.

I guess I can be a snail writer.

Hello.

Who?

Ah, just a moment, please.

Darling, it's for you.

It's Jelly Bean.

Jelly Bean.

LAURA PETRIE: How do you suppose he dialed the phone?

Hello?

Hi, Jelly Bean.

Just fine, thanks.

How are you?

Yeah, I know you have to have an answer right away.

Yeah.

And Jelly Bean, could I speak to Claude for a minute?

Come on, I know it's there.

Hi, Claude.

How are-- OK, OK.

Just a second.

Listen, he has to have an answer by tomorrow.

They want to interview some other writers.

I say we go.

I don't think we have any other choice, do you?

Hey, Claude.

That said, listen, we don't work on something

with Alan tomorrow, you've got yourself a staff.

OK, bye.

Well, that's it.

If Alan doesn't talk to us tomorrow, we talk to him.

OK, let's get back to work on the script.

Alan says it's too slow.

Oh, well, if Alan doesn't like it,

we can always sell it to Jelly Bean.

Sure.

For a snail, slow is perfect.

Hey, working on the script is like writing our obituary.

This is it, fellas. This is it.

Alan said something?

No, but he's going to.

Marge, said he just called and asked were to find us.

OK, let's get the jump on him.

Let's start packing.

- No, questions, let's pack. - Come on, let's go.

everything, right now.

Come on, Bud-- Buddy, aren't you packing?

Well, with you two quitting, I figured

Alan is gonna need somebody.

You're kidding.

Well, look, if we quit, we don't

getting unemployment insurance.

Shh, shh.

I think Alan's coming. Let's act casual.

Come on.

How do you look cause with tears in your eyes?

Morning.

Morning

Morning, Alan.

So this is your office?

This is it.

Haven't been down here a long time.

You've never been down here.

Well, as long as I thought.

Well, where's my Christmas present?

ROB PETRIE: What Christmas present?

ALAN BRADY: The picture of me I gave you last Christmas.

ROB PETRIE: Oh, we got it.

ALAN BRADY: I don't see it.

Oh, well, it was hanging on a wall, Alan.

It just fell down.

ALAN BRADY: Let's put it up.

What's the matter?

Ah, my foot went to sleep.

ALAN BRADY: Hang it up.

There, brightens up the whole office.

Mel.

Yes, Alan.

Who has a very bad sacroiliac?

- Well, you do, Alan. - How bad?

Very bad.

Then why am I still standing?

Oh.

I don't understand, you guys.

I give you everything, a beautiful office,

a desk, a piano, your drinking water, a coat rack, a filing

cabinet. is that a window?

Yes.

A window.

I give me everything and what do I get in return?

[clears throat] A Kn*fe in the back.

- A Kn*fe in the back? - That's right.

- Shut up, Mel. - Yes, sir.

I'm really, really surprised at you guys.

Wait a minute, Alan.

We're the ones that were supposed

to be surprised are you.

What-- what are you talking about?

I'm talking about your sneaking

into a dark alley to see a snake.

It wasn't my idea, Alan.

We didn't sneak into any alley to meet anybody.

Besides, it was a snail.

Snail, snake, what's the difference?

To a love hungry snake, it makes a lot of different.

Alan, ah, how'd you find out about Claude Wilbur?

Wilbur's dummy told my dummy.

Jelly Bean called Mel?

I'm sorry, Mel.

Wanted to know what your last salary was.

Well, wait a minute, Alan.

I did go to see about another job,

but just to protect ourselves.

To protect yourselves?

Whatever happened to gratitude?

A man takes three fledgling dogs under his wings

and they turn out to be vultures.

I don't understand it.

I give you everything and you want to quit me for a snail.

A snail!

I was a star when that snail was still leaving

a slimy trail on the driveway.

MEL COOLEY: Exactly.

We didn't take the job yet.

No, you just went out to see if you can get a better offer.

I could cry.

I'm not gonna cry.

SALLY ROGERS: Alan, we only inquired about the job

because we want to stay together.

Who's separating you?

Well, you are, aren't you?

What are they talking about?

Mel, I don't understand what they're talking about.

No, Alan, I--

Shut up.

You couldn't possibly understand anything I don't.

Now what do you mean, Rob?

Well, ah, Alan, I'll show you.

This is what I mean.

Where did you get this-- where did they get this-- where

did you get this memo?

We found it in the basement, ah, going through the garbage.

And you can't fire Sally and Buddy.

If one leaves, we all leave.

You found this in the garbage?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah.

You know why you found it in the garbage?

Because that's what it is, garbage.

The network sends me that same memo every month.

Every month?

We didn't know that, Alan.

You ought to go through the garbage more often.

How can you ignore that?

Well, when you're number seven of the national ratings,

you can ignore things like this. MEL COOLEY: It's 17, Alan.

Shut up, Mel.

Until I slip below 25, I throw all

of these things in the garbage.

- You didn't intend to fire us? - How can I fire you?

You make me the best ad libber in the business.

And what were you doing in the garbage anyway?

We were looking for this week's script.

Well, [chuckles] you were right about that.

But you were a little premature, it does belong in the garbage.

ROB PETRIE: You didn't like that script?

I hated it.

BUDDY SORRELL: I didn't like it either, Alan.

You didn't?

No, I told them all it needed a lot of work.

- I don't understand this guy. - You see what I mean?

I've been trying to-- - Shut up, Mel.

He's still better than you.

MEL COOLEY: Oh.

Now come on, get to work and write me

some words that are worthy of my mouth or I'll

fire you without a memo.

Come on, Mel.

You got a date for lunch?

No, I don't, Alan.

Good, we'll keep it that way.

Alan Brady may be a lot of things,

but he's certainly not nice.

Well, listen, I wanna go to court.

Are you sure?

OK, Marvin.

Bye.

Hey, who's going to court?

Jelly Bean was going to sue us.

He said I shook hands on the deal.

- Oh. - Oh.

Are we in trouble?

No, don't worry about it. We can relax.

We're not in any trouble.

According to a very well known authority,

a handshake with a snail is not legally binding.

Oh, yeah, who said that?

Walt Disney.

[theme song]