05x30 - Long Night's Journey Into Day

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Flies, floats, sinkers, tackle.

Oh, better roll that up.

JERRY: Hey, Rob, my car's all packed.

I'll give you a hand with yours.

Well, I haven't got my sleeping bag rolled up yet.

Oh, I'll give you a hand.

Thanks, Jerry.

What's the difference?

We're roughing it, aren't we?

Come on, hurry up before the fish die from hunger.

Darling, here's Ritchie's worms.

Oh.

Don't let him play with them on the way up, huh?

How does he play with worms?

He tries to tie them all together and make one long one.

Gee, honey, I wish you were going with me.

Yeah, I do too.

Well, you know, I think if I had the choice,

I'd rather stay home with this cold

than bait a fishhook with a live worm.

Do you know where my fuzzy yellow lures are?

Gee, I don't know, darling.

I'll look in the bedroom.

MILLIE: Well, the kids are in the car, and here's Herschel.

If he finishes his cuttlebone, there's more in here

with his toys. - OK.

You don't mind taking care of him, do you?

Mind?

No, it'll be great to have someone to talk to.

Oh, he talks.

Say hi to Mrs. Petrie, Herschel?

HERSCHEL: Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous

Oh, that dumb Jerry and his dentist talk.

[car horn beeps]

JERRY: Millie, will you hurry up?

I'm coming.

He's so impatient.

I hope he sits on his fishhook.

Oh.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye, Herschel. HERSCHEL: Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Oh, where'd you find them?

In with my cuff links.

Oh.

Listen, darling, make sure Ritchie gets to row the boat,

huh.

Otherwise, he gets nauseous.

OK.

What are you doing?

Sticking all my fish hooks in my hat.

That's the way experienced fishermen carry them.

- Oh. - Ah!

Oh.

I think I found a new cure for dandruff, you s*ab it.

You sure you're going to be all right?

Maybe I ought to go along.

Honey, the doctor said that mountain

air will make your cold worse.

[car horn beeps]

JERRY: Rob, I got the motor running.

Coming!

Oh, I hate to leave you alone, honey.

Oh, don't worry about me, Rob.

I'll be fine.

I got tons of sewing to keep me busy.

Well, you know, lock the windows

and doors and all that junk.

Rob, I'm a big girl.

Yeah, boy, I know that.

Bye.

Oh, wait a minute.

Sorry.

Catch a lot of fish.

OK.

Off to the mountains.

Oh.

ROB: Ow!

JERRY: Come on, Rob.

Hey, Millie, where are you going?

Oh, I just get one, and I lose the other.

I forgot to give you something.

A fountain pen?

Well, it's not really a pen.

It's a burglar beeper.

A what?

You know, a burglar beeper.

If somebody breaks in and tries to bash you in the head,

you pull the top off, and the siren starts.

Keen, huh? ,

Well, yeah, but I don't think I'll have to use it.

Oh, listen, haven't you been reading the papers?

There's a lot of craziness around.

Oh, thanks, Millie.

I really needed that.

Listen, and you ought to stack some tin cans

in front of the door so in case a burglar breaks in,

you'll hear him. - Millie!

[car horn beeps]

JERRY: OK, Millie, If you're not here one second,

I'm getting the axe out of the truck.

Listen, for goodness sake, don't take a shower.

Why?

Oh, listen, didn't you see that Alfred Hitchcock picture?

You're better off dirty than dead.

Believe me.

OK, goodbye, Laura.

I got her, Rob.

Goodbye.

ROB: Bye, honey.

Bye.

Ritchie, keep your pole inside the car.

[car horn beeps]

MILLIE: Bye.

[music playing]

Burglar beeper.

[siren]

[bird squawks]

Sorry, Herschel. HERSCHEL: Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous.

I didn't know it showed.

[music playing]

Hi there, Herschel, how's it going?

HERSCHEL: Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Well, I'm not really.

It's just that it's--

[floorboards creak]

Did you hear that?

Probably the beams or the wood swelling.

That's what-- probably the wood swelling.

Hey, Hersch how come it only swells when you're alone, huh?

What am I doing talking to a bird?

Craziest thing I-- oh, it's a cat.

Sure, it's a cat.

That's-- meow!

[bird squawks] Herschel--

[phone rings]

ah! HERSCHEL: Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Well, you're the one.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, I hate it when it does that.

It's like that movie where the lady gets m*rder*d.

No.

It isn't.

It's nothing like that at all.

[phone rings]

[bird squawks]

Laura?

Rob?

Don't you say "hello" anymore, honey?

Well, I didn't--

I didn't know it was you, darling.

Did you call a few minutes ago?

ROB (ON PHONE): No, why?

Well, nothing.

It was probably wrong number.

Where are you?

Well, we stopped for gas, and for the kids.

Oh.

Honey, I forgot to give you the number to the cabin,

in case you want anything. - Oh.

How's Ritchie?

He broke his pole.

I told him to keep it in the car.

Well, he did.

I sat on it.

Rob.

Oh, I can--

I can fix it.

Is Sal there yet?

No, no, she called.

She's got the flu, so she's not going to come over.

Honey, look, if you're scared--

No, Rob, I'm not scared.

I'm just fine.

Honey, take this number down anyway, huh?

OK.

[siren]

Laura, what was that?

It was Millie's beeper, dear.

What's-- what's a Millie's beeper?

Just ask Jerry.

What's the number?

Nine.

Nine, go ahead.

That's it.

Nine is it?

Well, yeah Apple City 9.

It's a small town, honey.

Look, Millie told me-- ow!

LAURA (ON PHONE): Rob, what happened?

I sat on my hat.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Are you all right?

Yeah, my wallet got most of it.

Rob, I worry about you all alone up there with that hat.

No, I take care of myself.

I just want to make sure you're all right, honey.

Oh I'm-- I'm just fine, darling.

OK, I'll call you tomorrow night.

LAURA (ON PHONE): OK. - OK, sweetheart.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Bye.

I love you.

I love you.

Hey, wait-- wait a minute.

Millie said stack the cans, whatever that means.

Will you just tell Millie she's a nut?

Oh, well, that wouldn't be nice.

I'll have Jerry do it.

Goodnight.

Bye.

[music playing]

[doorbell]

[gasps]

Oh!

Ah!

Oh, my gosh.

Coming!

[music playing]

[doorbell]

Come on, Herschel. HERSCHEL: Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous. - I won't.

I won't.

I'll try.

[music playing]

There's nobody there.

[doorbell]

Who is it?

ARTIE: Artie, Gordon's Drugstore.

I have your prescription.

Just a second, Artie.

Hi.

I didn't see you through the peephole.

I was bending over.

Oh.

I dropped your medicine.

Thank you very much.

Come on in, Artie.

We never see you anymore.

You saw me yesterday.

Well, Yeah, but just for a second.

How's your mom?

How's your dad?

Hey, would you like some milk and cookies?

They're fine and I just had some milk and chocolate cake.

Oh.

My mom does that when she's home alone too.

Who said I was alone?

You did when you called for the delivery.

Oh, oh. Yes, that's right.

I did.

I don't blame you for being edgy, Mrs. Petrie.

What happened there?

Oh, well, I just spilled some juice.

Looks like blood.

Goodnight, Mrs. Petrie.

Goodnight, Artie.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, Herschel.

[tapping on window]

[hums]

[whistles]

All right, Laura Petrie, you are acting just ridiculous.

I'm gonna take a nice hot shower,

and then I'm going to bed.

Well, maybe I'll just go to bed.

I'm going to take a nice hot shower, and go to bed,

and that's all there is to it.

Don't want to leave you alone, Herschel. poor baby,

I know how scared you get.

[bird squawks]

[music playing]

Laura?

Laura!

Oh, don't worry, Laura, it's only me.

Right.

Laura!

Used the tin cans, huh?

Were you scared, Laura?

Laura, what were you scared of?

How come you didn't holler when I

knocked the tin cans over, huh?

What are you eating, Laura, huh?

You're not hungry, huh, Laura?

Laura, something funny's going on.

Laura, how come you don't answer me, Laura?

What's going on?

It's not so funny.

Laura?

Laura?

Not sleeping, huh?

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

Looks like tomato juice.

Boy, it sure doesn't taste like tomato juice.

Oh, it's cranberry juice.

Sure.

She's probably taking a shower.

Oh, taking a shower.

She's crazy.

Laura!

LAURA: Ah!

[laura and millie scream]

Laura, what are you doing?

LAURA: Oh!

Millie, what are you doing here?

Why didn't you ask me that before you

hit me with a wash rag?

LAURA: You nearly scared me half to death, Millie!

Well, how could seeing your best friend scare you to death?

Because my best friend is supposed

to be miles away from here.

What are you doing back here anyway?

Is everyone back?

No, just me, and I'm not really back.

Well, you're here.

Well, I never got there.

I'm glad you're here.

Oh, Laura.

What happened anyway?

Well, going up there it suddenly dawned on me,

where was I going?

I mean, I hate camping, and I hate fishing.

And I could just about tolerate the kids,

and I'm not that wild about Jerry.

The only person that was going to make it any fun was here.

So when we got to Fluter Junction, I jumped on a train,

and here I am.

Well, how did you get in?

I locked the front door.

I used my key.

You have a key to this house?

Yeah, when I had them made for you, I had one made for me.

You know, In case I needed it.

Tonight I needed it.

Oh, boy, Millie, I wish you'd rung the bell.

Well, I did but nobody answered.

Because I was in the shower.

So you see I needed it.

LAURA: Oh.

Oh, whatever.

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, I noticed all the cans in front of the door.

Oh, boy, Millie, you were so right.

I tell you, when you were alone in the house,

every tiny little noise just makes you so scared.

You heard noises?

What noises?

Well, just ordinary house noises.

Things that go bump in the night.

You know, the stuff that I'd never worry about

if someone were here with me.

Well, someone's here with you, and she's worried.

What kind of noises?

Well, like, wood creaking, and a cat

scratching, and then once the phone rang

and there was nobody on the other line.

Oh, "Sorry, Wrong Number."

Did you see that picture?

Yes, I did.

That's what's been frightening me.

Oh.

So I hope you're planning to spend the night.

Oh, that's my original plan.

I never sleep in my house alone.

Good.

Here, you can wear this.

Oh, listen, don't you have something a little less,

you know?

I mean, in case we got to go running into the streets

I don't want to look too sexy.

Here, I'll wear this.

Those are Rob's.

Yeah, well, I don't mind looking cute.

[music playing]

[creaking]

What's that?

I don't know.

Whatever it was let's turn this off so it can't see us.

You mean you heard it too?

No, but I trust you.

Whatever it was I think it was outside.

[creaking]

Whatever that was, it was inside.

I think it was a door opening.

Oh, Laura, there's a burglar in the house.

What are we going to do?

Be perfectly quiet, and pretend you're asleep.

Maybe he'll just take what he wants and go.

Ssh.

[cough]

MILLIE: Oh, don't cough.

He'll hear us.

[gasps]

You're smothering me.

Listen, better me than a burglar.

All right.

OK.

Rob, I think I hear somebody in the living room.

Why don't you get the g*n, darling?

OK (DEEP VOICE) OK.

It's in the closet, darling

(DEEP VOICE) I'll get the axe too.

- Good. - Ah!

Darling.

Laura.

Ssh.

I think I did something dumb.

What?

I think I left the door open when I came in.

Why?

In case something was wrong.

I wanted to be able to get out fast.

Now we have to go out and check.

Oh, Millie, it was the door.

You left it wide open.

Thank goodness.

Now at least we know it's just my dumbness.

Unless--

Unless what?

Unless somebody came in while it was open,

and they're still here.

Oh, no, no, Millie, if I'm going to do any thinking,

I'm going to think that they may have been here,

but then when the door opened they left, OK?

Gotcha.

LAURA: Good.

Why didn't they close the door?

Millie, I'm going to quit worrying.

I'm going to quit imagining things,

and I'm going to just calm down, and go to sleep.

OK, me too.

I'm not going to think any more about burglars,

monsters, or murderers--

Or maniacs.

I'm going to stack the cans.

I'm going to help you.

[music playing]

Oh, boy, that's 11 in a row.

You broke your own record.

Boy, and my neck.

Those allergy pills won't help, huh?

I can't stop sneezing long enough to take one.

They wouldn't do anything against this onslaught anyway.

[phone rings]

Maybe that's it.

Hello?

Still busy, operator?

Who could Laura be talking to this time of the morning?

Operator, would you try that number again?

See if it's out of order.

It's in New Rochelle.

Yeah, well, the number is 6, 639--

9970.

You tell her, huh?

Hello, operator?

This is Dr. Jerome Helper.

I'm a friend of the callee.

Would you try that number?

Oh, she's trying the number.

What?

Oh, I see.

OK, thanks anyway.

It's definitely busy.

Well, I better get started then.

Yeah, I guess so.

Look, [sneeze] Jerry, would you keep trying, and tell

them I'm coming, will you?

If I walk in unannounced, they're liable to get scared.

Yeah, you're right.

And take care of Rich, will you?

Right.

Hey, listen, what am I going to tell Rich when he wakes

up he finds out you're gone?

Oh, gosh, I forgot.

Listen, tell him in the morning to take his vitamins,

and if he wants to go fishing, untie the worms.

Got you.

[music playing loudly]

Take it up a half inch.

What?

I said, it looks even. I'll just--

Wait a minute.

--take it up a half inch.

What did you do?

Millie, I can't hear myself think.

We got the television going, the record player,

the radio in the kitchen.

We got every light in the house on.

I'm surprised you don't want to turn on the garbage disposal.

You want to hear those footsteps again?

I didn't hear them in the first place.

Well, you're lucky.

I did.

Walking all around the house with big convict shoes.

Can we at least turn off the television?

Well, let's turn to sound down, and leave the picture on.

Mrs. Miniver had such strength.

Well, let me measure something else.

Boy, are you lucky my father was a tailor.

Seven dresses and two skirts.

Are you getting tired?

Yeah, I can't even see the lines on the tape.

Want to go to sleep?

Do you?

No.

I'll press something.

Anything's better than sleeping.

Want some coffee?

Oh, I'd love some.

And I need some.

Leave the door open.

Millie, I'm right here.

Let's keep talking, OK?

What?

I said, let's keep talking, OK?

OK.

What are you doing now?

I'm making the coffee.

OK.

Laura, would you fix me a piece of toast?

OK.

MILLIE: OK.

Now what are you doing?

I'm making the toast.

Oh, good, good, good.

[clatter]

Laura?

OK.

No.

No, OK.

Did you hear that?

Millie, I can't hear anything with the radio blaring away.

Laura!

LAURA: Millie?

Where are you?

MILLIE: In the dark.

[screams]

LAURA: Millie!

He's gonna get me. Oh, Jerry!

Jerry!

I'm so scared, mother, father--

Millie!

[gasps] He hit me.

I hit you.

Why did you hit me?

Because you're acting hysterical,

Millie, and for absolutely no reason.

No reason?

We're in the dark without any light.

I know, Millie, but we're not going to scream,

and we're not going to panic.

What are we going to do?

We're very calmly going into the garage.

What are we going to do in the garage?

We'll get in my car, and get out.

MILLIE: Oh!

LAURA: Hurry!

Turn on the light.

Turn on the light.

Oh, Millie, the electricity is off.

There's no car.

Oh, Laura, somebody stole your car.

Nobody stole the car.

It's in the driveway.

Oh, how stupid.

Now we got to walk outside where he can

get us from behind the bushes.

Millie, would you stop that?

Nobody is going to get us from behind any bushes.

How do you know?

Because he's in the house.

Let's go.

How do you get this door open?

A button.

Oh, Millie, the electricity.

You and your fancy electric door.

Now we're trapped.

Oh, he's going to get us.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

I'm so scared. Mother, mother--

Millie!

Millie!

You hit me again, and I'll let you have it.

Nobody is going to m*rder us.

Well, we're still trapped.

We're not trapped, Millie.

As soon as it gets light out, when he's gone,

we're going to start yelling for help.

Why can't we start yelling now?

Because it will only make him nervous,

and he's going to come in here and make us stop yelling.

Do you want that?

Ssh!

Oh--

Did you hear that?

--Millie, somebody's in the house.

Definitely.

Oh.

What the?

Laura!

Laura!

What the?

Laura!

Ow!

Laura!

[clatter]

Laura?

Now do you believe me?

I told you.

Now do you hear the footsteps?

Yes, I heard them.

Now what are we going to do?

I don't know!

Well, I do.

What do you doing?

We're going to hide these so they can't use them on us.

Garage.

There's somebody in the garage.

[clatter]

Oh, he's getting closer.

He's getting closer.

What are we going to do?

[bang]

Oh, he's coming.

He's coming.

Oh!

He's coming.

Millie, what are you going to do?

Oh, goodness.

LAURA: Millie, what is--

No, we can't-- [gasps] Rob!

I got him!

Oh!

Oh, it's Rob!

Rob's the maniac.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Did I hurt you?

Oh!

Did I hurt you?

Are there-- are there fireflies in here?

No.

Then I'm hurt.

It's just the fish hooks.

Oh, Rob!

Get it off.

That dumb hat.

[clatter]

MILLIE: Ah! - Ah!

Ah!

Millie, what are you doing here?

Oh, Rob, you stepped right on my throat.

Millie, what are you doing down there?

Well, I can't sleep in Ritchie's room.

I keep hearing noises.

Millie, I told you.

It's just a kite on the roof.

Oh, I know it's a kite.

I know it's stuck on the street, and it's banging on the roof.

I want to sleep with you guys.

Well, you can't sleep on the floor.

Well I can't sleep alone.

OK, hop in.

Is it all right, Rob?

Uh-huh just don't get used to it.

[music playing]

[theme song]