02x25 - The Square Triangle

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The d*ck Van d*ke Show.

Starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

All right, next contestant.

Why don't we get this introduction written

and get out of here?

No sense in writing an introduction.

We don't even know what guest star

we're going to be introducing.

Why don't we just write one of those all purpose

introductions?

You know, I'd like you all to meet one of the truly great

performers in our business.

A man with great talent and charm, second only to mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big round of applause

for Mr. Potato Head.

What do you want Fatso?

Yuck.

Rob, Sally, I've got wonderful news.

Don't tell us you've got us a guest star.

Not just a guest star.

I got I love to love, to love, to love.

You've got a cold in your nose.

That's what you got.

Mel, you mean you've Jacques Savon, the French Sinatra?

That's exactly who I got!

Jacques Savon.

Jacques Savon?

How'd you get him hard-head?

Everybody in town is trying to get Jacques Savon.

What time will he get here?

Very soon.

Rob, I must say you're not very enthused about it.

Oh, it's not that I don't think he's great, Mel.

It's just that, well he's got a French accent

and I had an idea for a cowboy sketch.

Well get a fresh idea.

Well, I've got to go meet Jacques.

Boy, that's going to be a big thrill for Jacques.

Hey Rob, what's the matter with you?

You act like you're not thrilled that Jacques Savon

is going to be on the show.

Oh, I think it's great he's going to be on the show.

It's just that I've got to get out

of here before he gets here.

Why?

I just don't want to see old Jacques.

That's all.

What do you mean old Jacques?

You mean you know the guy?

Oh yeah.

Laura and I met him years ago in Europe.

When we took that trip, he was just getting started then.

What happened?

What'd he do to you?

It's not what he did to me, it's what I did to him.

All right, what'd you do to him?

I broke up his marriage.

You what?

I said I broke up his marriage.

Laura and I met Jacques and his wife Yvette

in this little town in the south of France on our trip

to Europe.

We four became very good friends.

And one day I don't even remember where Laura was,

but I went shopping with Yvette.

And right in this little antique shop, all of a sudden,

she tells me that she has flipped for me.

That I am the fellow who can make her happy.

You mean, she's married to Jacques Savon

and she flipped for you?

Hey Rob, look.

You're very talented and lovable and very handsome.

But I don't believe either.

It's true.

I read later they got a divorce and the word was around

it was because of some American.

Well how do you know you were the American?

Well the people kind of hinted about it.

Yeah?

Hey, what's this Yvette look like?

Oh, gosh.

It's been so long ago I don't even remember.

She was short.

' / I guess.

Blonde, green eyes.

Thick black eyelashes.

And when she smiles, she only had a dimple on her right side.

And when she laughed, her nose would quiver.

No, you don't remember her at all.

What did you say to Yvette when she told

you that you were so desirable?

Well, the truth.

I told her I was flattered about it,

but that I was very happily married and forget it.

But what did Laura say?

Did she know?

I think she has a suspicion about it because she never ever

mentions that part of the trip.

And I'm not going to tell her about it.

Look, I'm getting out of here.

Would you guys make up any kind of excuse for Mel?

Jacques, this is the writers' room.

Come on in to meet them.

Rob, Sally, Jacques Savon.

Rob, very nice to meet you.

How are you? - Hi.

That isn't--

That isn't very nice.

You should always introduce the lady first.

Oh, oh, excuse me.

Sally Rogers.

That's Miss Sally Rogers.

Just in case you keep a card file.

I never forget such information.

You, eat your heart out.

Where is our esteemed colleague?

Why, he'll be back after lunch.

Oh, that's too bad.

He's our head writer, and I hoped we could

meet him before we got started.

Can't we start without him?

Well I suppose so.

We can pick the song you're going to sing.

Good, what would you like?

Novelty?

Or love songs?

Anything but Frere Jacques.

Why don't you just stand there and talk?

Maybe we should go to the rehearsal hall anyway.

I have to move around when I sing.

You know? - Why?

To distract my voice.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Let's go to the rehearsal hall. Come on Mel.

All right Jacques.

Rehearsal hall.

Someone leave word for Rob to look

us up in the rehearsal hall.

Oh, yes your baldness.

Rob.

I thought you were Rob.

No, no, I'm Buddy Sorrell. Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

All right, what do you say we go to the rehearsal hall?

Come on.

Let's go.

Robert Petrie!

Where? Where?

Where?

- Here, on the door. - Oh.

Oh. - Yes, yes, so it is.

Yeah.

I know his name.

Well everybody does.

He's a big television writer.

Very big.

I wonder if he's the same Robert Petrie.

Oh no, entirely different.

I met a Robert Petrie years ago.

A little short bald guy with big glasses?

No, no, no, tall, thin, a lot of smiling teeth.

That's Rob.

Was very good friends with my wife Yvette and myself.

His wife was Laura.

That's our Rob.

Well, enough of this old hallway stuff.

Let's go hear some French singing.

Huh? Come on.

Robert Petrie. Yes.

When he comes back, tell him I want to see him.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I'll write it down.

Don't forget.

I won't forget!

Buddy?

Yes?

Tell him I want very much to discuss something with him.

You want to discuss something with him.

Very much.

Well, did you hear what Frenchie said?

He wants to discuss something with you.

You know what he wants to discuss?

A choice of weapons.

MILLIE: Laura, you home?

Yeah, in here, Millie.

Hi, I make peanut butter cookies.

I know how much Rob likes them.

Thank you.

Expecting company?

Yeah, Buddy and Sally have to work late tonight

so Rob's bringing them home for dinner.

Oh.

[interposing voices]

Hello.

Hi Laura.

[interposing voices]

Homemade cookies!

Hiya Mil!

Hey, my favorite!

Food.

Hey, how come you had to work tonight?

We didn't know until this afternoon

who our guest star was.

Who you got?

Who's that guy? Oh.

Jacques Savon.

Jacques Savon?

You got Jacques Savon on the show?

Laura, they got Jacques Savon on the show.

Isn't that wonderful?

Yeah, that's wonderful.

Rob, I want tickets this week.

Well tickets for the show may be hard to get Mil.

Well besides the show I want tickets for his rehearsals,

and his lunch breaks, and his wardrobe fittings,

and whatever else he's got on schedule.

Sally, what's he like?

SALLY: What's he like?

Well, he's--

Well he's taller and handsomer than I am, but don't

forget I'm shorter and dumpier.

Dinner ready?

Yeah, I just have to put the spaghetti on.

No-- no hurry. No hurry.

Look you guys, why don't we go in the den

and get started working?

Laura, hey Laura.

Laura, listen.

A little spaghetti lots of sauce.

I'm on a diet.

Lots of spaghetti and lots of sauce for me.

I'm on a diet too, but I'm weak.

Laura?

Yeah?

You're not doing this right.

The celery goes on the left and the spoon

and the carrots go on the right.

Where's my head?

Is something the matter?

Frankly, yes, but it's nothing I can discuss.

Laura, remember me?

I'm your best friend.

There's nothing you can't tell me.

Think of me like a doctor.

Millie, please.

It's not something shocking, is it Laura?

Is it?

Well--

It is.

Well you can't shock me.

I'm like a doctor.

Go on, try. Say anything.

Oh, Millie.

Well what is it?

Would you tell me?

Well it's nothing.

It's just that I don't want to have

to see Jacques Savon again.

Again?

You mean you know him personally?

Yes, we met in Europe.

Well what did he do to you?

Insult you or something?

Well, no.

It's just that--

What is it?

Well I don't want to have to see

him again because I'm the one who broke up his marriage.

You dropped your cookie, doctor.

You live right next door to a person,

you see them every day, taking out the garbage

and mopping the floor, and you think you them.

How did it happen?

Well it was nothing, really.

I mean, it was all quite innocent on my part.

Yeah, yeah?

It's just that-- well, he said some things to me.

Well, what kind of things?

What kind of things did he say?

Romantic things.

Beautiful things.

The kind of things a man shouldn't

say to another man's wife.

Well did he say he liked you?

Did he say he liked you very much?

Did he say he loved you?

He said Laura I love you in that beautiful accent.

Oh, I'm dying.

Mill, he didn't say it in those words.

In French?

Listen.

I'll show you something if you promise never to say a word.

You can cut off my arms and legs and throw me off a cliff.

Fine.

What is it?

What are you going to show me?

Just wait a minute.

I'll be right back.

What am I going to see?

I'm dying!

It happened in this little town in France.

I don't know where Rob was that day.

I think he was somewhere with Yvette.

That's Jacques' wife.

He sent her shopping so he could be alone with me.

Oh, the devil.

And while we were having coffee in this little cafe,

he gave this to me.

A lump of sugar.

And when he gave it to me, you know what he said?

What?

What?

He said were this sugar as sweet

as thou, one cube could sweeten all the coffee in all

the cups of the continent.

Did he say that?

Then he said if only I weren't married to Yvette.

Did he say that?

You keep asking did he say that.

Of course he said it.

Why do you think I'm so upset that he's on Rob's show?

Laura, you know what you are?

You're deep.

That's what you are.

You are deep.

Hey Laura, you got any coffee ready?

I don't think I can last till spaghetti time.

Oh, yeah Sally.

There's some in the kitchen. - Oh.

Be right back. - Thanks.

Millie?

What's the matter Millie?

You look like you're in a trance.

Well, Laura was just saying some things to me.

And well, just don't ask.

Just don't ask.

What do you mean don't ask?

If you don't want me to ask, you should never say don't ask.

Well it's just too shocking.

That's all.

It's just too shocking.

All right that settles it.

If you don't tell me, I'm going to break your arm.

Come on, I'm going to break your arm.

Here we go Sally.

Oh, oh, thank you very much, Laura.

Don't use the sugar!

I won't use the sugar!

What's the matter?

Is it poisoned?

Don't touch it.

I hope you have it insured.

What is it?

Laura, let me tell her.

Let me tell her about the sugar.

I thought you were so good at keeping secrets.

Well I am, but so is Sally.

Aren't you Sally?

I bet they could cut off your arms and legs

and throw you off a cliff.

Yeah, they did and I never talked.

Now what is it?

It's nothing.

Really.

Nothing?

Did you see that sugar?

For a second.

Embarrassing.

Well, I'll whisper it.

In French?

Jacques Savon?

She deep.

You are so deep.

Laura, you mean you're the one responsible?

I'm afraid so.

Does Rob know?

Well, he must have suspected something Sally, because we

just never discuss it.

Well, maybe you ought to tell him.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't like to keep a secret like this.

Maybe I'll tell him tonight.

Maybe I'll bring it up casually.

[clearing throat]

Um, Rob?

How come you didn't tell me about Jacques

being on the show?

Huh?

Well-- we didn't know till this afternoon, honey.

How does he look?

Jacques?

Well, I didn't get to see him.

We sort of missed each other all day.

Do you think he remembers us?

Oh, I don't know.

I kind of doubt it.

I wonder whatever happened to his wife.

What was her name?

Oh, yeah, short girl.

What was her name?

Babette?

Yvette? - Yvette.

Yeah, that's it.

Yvette.

I don't-- I don't know what happened to her.

They-- they got divorced, didn't they?

Yeah, I remember reading something about that.

I wonder what went wrong.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe one of them fell in love with somebody else.

Why do you say that?

No-- no reason.

You know, French people are--

they're emotional.

You think Jacques fell in love with another woman?

Yeah. Yeah, could have been.

Could have been that.

Yeah, could have been.

Of course, it's possible that--

what's her name? LAURA: Yvette.

Yvette. Yeah.

Might be that Yvette fell for some other guy.

Really?

She seemed devoted to Jacques.

Oh, well Jacques was wild about her too honey.

He'd be crazy to leave a girl like Yvette for anybody.

Oh?

Did you think she was that attractive?

Oh, no!

She was short.

Pudgy.

Pudgy?

I thought she had a great figure and a beautiful face.

Probably just that he found somebody else

he was more attracted to.

Yeah, or-- she found maybe somebody who was more her type.

Possibly.

OK.

Music out and we finish.

Good, good, good.

Hey Buddy.

How about that?

Rob and Laura both think they broke up Jacques' marriage.

Yeah.

Funny thing, after all these years

that neither one of them--

Robert? Robert?

Oh, hi, Jacques.

He's not here.

What is it with this man?

I've tried to see him four times today.

Jacques, if you have a minute, we'd

like to talk to you, please.

What is it?

Do you think it's fair to make Rob feel

guilty after all these years?

I mean, it wasn't his fault that Yvette had a roving eye.

Are you trying to say that Robert and Yvette--

Yeah, he he told us all about it.

And according to Laura, boy, you were pretty good yourself Jake.

Jacques.

Jacques.

Now wait-- wait a minute now.

Now you say that Robert thinks he

came between Yvette and myself?

And Laura--

Yeah, thinks she's the one responsible for your marriage

collapsing.

Ridiculous.

They did not come between Yvette and myself.

Neither one of them?

Of course not.

The thing that broke up my marriage with Yvette

was a great and powerful mutual hatred for each other.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Jacques, did you give Laura a lump a sugar?

A lump of--

Oh my.

I haven't had a sugar beet in years.

Sugar beet?

Of course.

What about Yvette and Robert?

You Americans.

You are so romantic.

Someone looks cockeyed at you, and immediately you

think it's love.

Well, I make the passing fun with every woman I meet.

You haven't with me.

Wait.

The day is young.

Well, I'm not, let's go.

No, Yvette was very flirtatious.

That was one of our major problems.

Well look, Jacques.

Why don't you tell Rob and Laura the truth

and make them both happy?

No, I think it would make them miserable.

You mean you're not going to tell them?

No.

Why not?

Well, Laura is a happily married woman.

But she is a woman.

Every woman has some secret memory.

A memory that keeps her heart yearning and her soul

warm on cold nights.

Is it so?

It is so.

I being a man.

Oh, I'll buy that.

I know that men need their illusions, too.

No man would like to discover to the attention

that a beautiful woman once gave him was just the same attention

she gave with every man.

Right, Buddy?

Yeah, don't take away my dreams.

After all, the government took everything else.

Hey, how come you know so much about people?

I am a people.

Right, you're people.

Yeah, but neither one of them knows about the other one.

How are you going to keep it that way?

That's right, that is a challenge.

Oh, you sad it.

But I love a challenge.

Yeah, well stick around friend.

I think you got a challenge coming up here in a minute.

Yeah, that's right.

Laura is going to come back to pick up her shoes.

Come on, what are we waiting for?

Let's get out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Boy, I sure would like to know what

you're going to say to them. - Yeah, me too.

Me too.

SALLY: Thanks, Laura, I think I left them in the office.

[gasp] - Jacques.

Laura.

Oh.

Uh.

Rob will be here in a minute.

Laura, let me look at you.

Why?

I mean, couldn't you look at me from over there?

Laura.

Do you know something?

What?

Uh, Jacques.

I just bought some new shoes. They were one sale.

Aren't they beautiful? - Yes, wonderful.

They're lovely.

Beautiful, yes.

Laura.

You look even more beautiful than I remember.

Oh, Jacques.

Now don't start that kind of talk.

That what?

That kind of talk.

Jacques, I'm a happily married woman.

Oh, you don't know how happily married I am.

It's just so wonderful.

Now you sit down.

Calm yourself.

I want to talk to you about something very important.

Rob!

Hi Jacques.

Robert Petrie.

At last!

Well, Jacques Savon.

Boy, oh boy.

Como esta usted?

What's-- what's doing, Jacques?

Well I was just telling your beautiful Laura

how beautiful she is.

She's beautiful, isn't she? - Beautiful.

Very nice look.

Now would you say she's as beautiful as Yvette used to be?

Well-- you kind of put me on the spot there Jacques.

I understand.

[nervous laughter]

Well it's been a long, long time.

It's been a long time.

Let's not make it so long. Let's go.

All right darling.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

I haven't even asked you how you are.

How are you?

Oh, very happy Jacques.

And very happily married.

Yeah.

We have a little boy.

- Yes. - Together?

Yes.

Together.

He goes to school.

Oh, well, hey, it's getting dark out.

We better go honey.

Nice to see you Jacques.

No, wait, please.

Please.

Rob.

Give me a little moment.

What are you going to do with a little moment?

I would like to talk to you about my divorce from Yvette.

Now come on.

Come on.

Both of you.

You're divorced?

It's none of our business, really, Jacques.

Yes, I think the less said about it, the better.

No, no, no, my friends. No, no.

No, no.

Now you heard at the time there were

some rumors about another person who was close to me.

Did you hear about that?

Well I--

I-- did I hear about that?

I don't-- why, I heard maybe a little bit about it.

Un petit peu?

Un petit peu, yeah.

Well actually it was more than just a rumor.

You see, there was this person.

This American.

And this American, they say without knowing,

merely by existing, came between Yvette and myself.

Oh boy, that's-- that's awful.

Terrible.

Just terrible.

I felt very strongly about this American.

Very strongly.

Because without knowing, this person

showed me that Yvette and I did not really love each other.

Just not right from the beginning.

True love cannot be put asunder by a casual flirtation.

Or even a serious flirtation.

Yes.

That's very true.

Now I am sure many, many people

have flirted with both of you.

But they could not hurt your marriage, could they?

Oh no, they could never do that.

I always wanted to meet this person again.

Do you know why?

No.

Why?

Two pat this person on the back.

And to shake hands.

Well my friends, I hope I did not bore you with my story.

But since both of you knew Yvette and myself,

I thought you might be interested.

Oh, we were.

Yeah, it was very nice of you to tell us about this Jacques.

It was very nice.

Now I must go.

Laura, it was wonderful seeing you again.

Thank you Jacques.

Goodbye. Goodbye Robert.

Thanks Jacques.

Goodbye.

Oh, now that we have found each other,

why don't you come to the show tomorrow

night and be my guest for dinner?

Oh we'd love to Jacques.

Well, we have this--

Thing.

Yeah.

Too bad.

Maybe some of the time when you have no thing.

It was wonderful to see both of you.

Au revoir.

Goodbye.

I wonder what made Jacques tell us about

him and-- what's her name?

Yvette.

Yvette, yeah.

I don't know, darling.

Probably just thought we'd be interested.

Yeah, probably.

BOTH: Well.

Better be going.

OK, see you at home, Honey.

Well.

Oh.

Ritchie!

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in bed.

Well I was thirsty.

Do you and Mommy dance like this every night while I'm asleep?

No, not every night.

Then how come you're doing it tonight?

Well, I don't know.

How come we're doing it tonight?

I don't know.

I know.

You do?

Uh huh.

So you put your cheeks together and people

won't think you're mushy.

He's absolutely right.