02x29 - It's a Shame She Married Me

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The d*ck Van d*ke Show,"

starring d*ck Van d*ke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

What did you think of the dinner?

Oh, it was very, uh, filling, nourishing.

And, uh, good.

You didn't eat very much of it.

I'm sorry, honey.

I've got a financial problem on my mind.

Well, in that case, you'll be glad to hear

that this delicious meal cost us $ . , which I think

makes it fantastic.

$ . ?

Yeah.

Inexpensive cut of beef, left over string beans,

cherry wine, a lot of wild herbs.

You did like it, didn't you?

Oh, yeah.

It was the best cent meal I've ever had.

I got one planned for tomorrow night that I'm hoping

to bring in for under $ . .

Chicken wings, fried rice, pearl onions,

cream sauce, red radishes, and bread pudding.

Boy, that sounds cheap.

Honey, what's with all this bargain basement cooking?

Bargain basement cooking?

I call it creative cuisine.

It's a way of expressing myself.

And saving money?

Yeah, that, too.

Uh-huh.

Have you, by any chance, been talking to our accountant?

Well, as a matter of fact, dear, Sidney did call.

And he said we're way over budget,

not to spend anything for a while.

I talked to him today, too.

He wasn't talking about food.

He just talking about things.

[spring bouncing]

We're not destitute.

I know.

But he did say not to buy anything

we don't absolutely need.

I even asked him about that broken spring you're fighting.

He said to let the upholstery go for a while.

Want some coffee?

Can we afford it?

Oh, Rob.

I don't understand this, honey.

I make a good living.

Why is it we always have to cut corners?

You know, when we were first married,

we lived in a one room apartment on a lot less.

Why didn't the money fly out the window then?

Well, a lot more windows now.

Cream is twice as expensive.

Honey, what am I, anyway?

A failure?

Oh, good morning.

Yuck.

What are you complaining about?

I was out with Herman Glimcher last night.

You know something, fellas?

BUDDY: What?

I'm a failure.

What brought you to that happy conclusion?

I work hard, but I never have any money when I need it.

So I must be a failure.

Wait a minute.

You're the head writer.

If you're a failure, that would make me an assistant failure.

And look at me.

Rob, you're a failure.

OK.

What brought this on all of a sudden?

No, wait. Wait.

Let me guess.

Uh, you either had a fight with Laura,

or you got a curt note from the revenue department.

Neither one.

But I had such an argument with myself driving down here,

I almost blew my top.

Hey, speaking of blowing your top.

Ta-da!

Would you ask Rumpelstiltskin to crawl back up to his loft?

Rob, our new sponsor is here to meet us.

New sponsor?

Yes.

Darling Products bought half of our show for next season.

Darling Products?

Yes, the president wants to meet all the people

connected with the show.

What's his name, Mel?

Jim Darling.

Jim Darling.

What kind of a name is that for a president?

Hey, was he named after the products,

or were the products named after him?

Oh, I've seen him, Buddy.

And the products were named after him.

Yeah.

Jim Darling.

I think I know him.

Well, of course, you do.

His picture's been on magazine covers all year.

I'll bring him in.

I think I know him personally.

Really?

Jim Darling.

Jim Darling.

Hey, maybe it was Larry Lovely.

Hold it, you guys.

Won't you come in, Mr. Darling?

These are our writers.

Hi.

Miss Sally Rogers.

Oh, I love your products.

- I love your attitude. - And this--

I'm Buddy Sorrell.

I-- I can't wait to see your name

at the bottom of my paycheck.

This is our head writer, Rob Petrie.

Mr. Petrie.

Jim Darling.

Excuse me for staring at you, but I'm sure I know you.

Well, of course, you do.

He's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen.

That a boy, Mel.

Keep a simple tongue on his boots.

You know, I think I know you, too.

Of course.

Do you remember a girl named Laura?

Laura?

Her last name was Laura Meehan.

Laura Meehan.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Uh, you-- do you know Laura?

Know her?

Well, you're talking about one of the great memories

of my life. - I am?

Uh-huh. Laura Meehan.

Hmm. What a figure she had.

You know, if I knew where she was,

I'd propose to her right on the spot.

Uh, whatever happened to her?

Uh, I-- I married her.

- Really? - Yeah.

She likes me.

You lucky dog. Listen.

Listen.

Is-- is she still, uh, as attractive?

Oh, yes.

Yes, she's very attractive.

Very.

Well, yeah, but, you know, older and, uh, very settled.

I'd love to see her.

Well, I'm sure she'd love to see you.

Well, then, what should stop us?

Listen.

Why don't you all drop up to my penthouse tomorrow night?

We'll break open some champagne and toast my

sponsoring the show.

Wonderful.

And I'll get to see Laura Meehan again.

Uh, Laura Petrie.

Well, I'll always think of her as little Laura Meehan.

Oh, well, I always think of her as big Laura Petrie.

[laughter]

Tomorrow night then?

On behalf of our entire company,

I accept with pleasure. - Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Uh, Mr. Darling, may I bring an escort?

An escort?

Well, you can bring an escort if you'd like,

but I must inform you.

I'm not married.

I'm coming alone.

Say, is this, uh, business or pleasure?

Strictly pleasure.

Good.

I'll leave my wife home.

Rob, you will bring Laura?

Oh, uh, Jim, I, uh--

I'll certainly check that.

You, uh, never got married, huh?

Well, how could I?

You got my girl.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

Are you coming, uh, Cooley?

Yes, Darling.

Uh, Jim.

Mr. Jim Darling.

OK, fellas. What do you say?

We get to work?

That's a good idea.

[sighing]

Boy, what a doll.

I say if you've got to have a sponsor, that's

the kind of a sponsor to have.

Hey, are you sure you two fellas have to go

to that party tomorrow night?

What are you trying to do?

Narrow it down to just him and you?

If possible, yes.

I wonder if the janitor of a building

is like the captain of a ship.

What?

I mean, can he marry us?

I'd like a simple basement wedding,

just the immediate help.

Buddy, Rob.

You two guys have to go?

Why don't you stay home? - Look.

I'm your friend, right?

I can't say no when it comes to a sponsor.

All right.

How about you, Rob?

Well, I-- uh, I could go.

I know Laura would love to go.

But I don't think she'll probably make it.

Why not?

Because I ain't going to tell her about it.

Ow.

Darn these dishes.

What's the matter with them?

Well, they're all chipped and cracked.

As long as we're going to eat $ . meals, can't we at least

eat off our good dinnerware?

Well, darling, if we did that, then our good dinnerware

would get chipped and cracked.

And we'd have bad good dinnerware.

Well, then why don't we buy some new everyday stuff?

Well, I was going to, dear, but then Sidney called--

I know. I know.

Our accountant says we can't afford it.

At least not for another month.

Another month.

I'd like to take every one of these

and throw them in a trash can.

Rob, how can you be so angry at our poor little dishes

with the cute raspberries on them?

Because these poor little dishes

with the cute little raspberries on

them are chipped and cracked.

And every chip and cr*ck reminds me of our sad financial state.

That's what.

Wow.

What started you on that again?

Oh, nothing.

[coughing]

Honey, uh, what are we doing tomorrow night?

Bridge night with Millie and Jerry.

We've disappointed them three weeks in a row.

So I hope you haven't made other plans.

No, sir.

No.

We committed ourselves to our good neighbors,

and we're going to live up to that commitment.

The world would be a lot better if everybody was committed.

I mean-- if everybody lived up to their commitments.

I mean, what's more important?

Old friends or-- or very old friends?

What on Earth are you talking about?

Oh, nothing, honey.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Sally.

What am I wearing?

To what?

Who?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, Rob told me about it.

I just forgot for the moment.

Uh, I haven't decided what to wear.

But, um, I'll call you and let you know, all right?

Bye bye.

Say, guess who came into the office today.

Why didn't you tell me Jim Darling was in town?

- I did. - When?

I asked you what we're doing tomorrow night, honey.

Why would I ask you that if it wasn't

on account of Jim Darling?

- You never mentioned his name. - I didn't?

No.

Well, I mean, I asked you what we're going to do tomorrow

night.

You said we're playing bridge with Millie and Jerry.

And you-- and you said how important

it was to honor commitments.

No, you said that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I said that.

But I thought you'd probably rather, well,

play bridge than go to a stuffy old cocktail

party with, you know, an old flame.

Here, let me finish those dishes.

No, no, I can do it.

How's Jim look?

Well, uh, old.

Well, he's all, uh, gray around the temple area.

Gray at the temples, huh?

Well, not-- you-- not-- you wouldn't-- not

that kind of gray.

You wouldn't want this-- it's got green in it.

Gee.

You know, it's a shame we're busy tomorrow night.

I'd really love to see him again.

You would?

Well, if you really want to go, we'll-- uh, we can go.

Oh, I don't know, darling.

It might be uncomfortable for you.

Why-- why would it be uncomfortable for me?

I don't-- I won't be uncomfortable, honey.

I know you love me.

I'll-- I'll call Jerry and Millie and tell them

that we'll, uh, play Friday.

You mean it?

Well, sure.

I mean, he's anxious to see you.

And you're anxious to see him, aren't you?

You sure you won't get insanely jealous

and sit in the corner and mumble?

Oh, come on, honey.

You know darn well I'm not a mumbler.

(MUMBLING) You want to go to a party,

if I have to go to a party, [inaudible]..

What did you say?

Huh?

You were mumbling.

Oh, I said that I would like to go to the party, honey.

Really, I would.

So, we'll-- we'll go.

Ritchie, what are you doing out of bed?

Can I have a drink of water?

Sure, darling.

Rich, why do you want a drink of water?

Is your throat dry?

Yeah, it's dry.

Honey, did you hear what Rich said?

His throat's dry.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Dry throat.

So?

Well, honey, do you think we ought

to leave him with a sitter when he might

be brewing up something here?

Oh, darling, it's probably nothing.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you that every--

all eight of his nasal cavities are clogged with [inaudible]..

Yeah, they're all stuffed.

Can I stay home from school?

Well, we'll see about that in the morning, young man.

Back to bed.

Honey, uh, you think, uh-- you know,

I better call Jim and, uh, tell him we can't make it.

Whatever you say, dear.

Well, you're right.

I'm going to call him.

He'll be disappointed he can't see, honey, but--

[exhaling]

(MUMBLING) Save my marriage for another five years [inaudible]..

Boy.

(NORMAL VOICE) Hello?

Uh, Mr. Jim Darling, please.

Jim?

Uh, Rob Petrie.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, Jim.

We would love to come to that little bash of yours tomorrow

night.

But our kid's sick.

Oh, no, nothing serious.

Just a little old nasal passages.

Yeah, all eight of them.

Well, Jim, we-- we don't like to leave

him when he's feeling kind of under the weather, you know.

It might leave emotional scars or something like that.

Well, I know.

Uh, listen.

Laura is going to feel awful. It's a shame.

She wanted so much to see you.

It is a pity you couldn't come up here.

I said, it's a pity you couldn't have, uh--

uh, uh, well, yeah, you can.

Listen, Jim.

It's a long, long drive up here.

It's-- you know, we're in--

: ?

Well, yeah.

So you'll bring the whole party right-- right up at our house.

Wonderful.

Yeah, [inaudible], Jim.

Bye.

Oh.

Who needs a handsome millionaire coming up here

examining my chipped dishes and my lumpy couch

and my married wife?

I never thought it would come to this.

Laura and I supported by one of her old boyfriends.

Yuck.

Hi, honey!

Hey.

Honey, good news.

I called Jim.

I talked him into bringing the whole party up here.

Isn't that wonderful?

Huh?

Potato chips, corned curlies, wheat, whippies, peanut

pippies, and potato poopies.

Stuff gets cuter every year.

Plenty of ice, cola, ginger ale, club soda.

Clean glasses, nuts.

I checked everything.

Cigarettes, ice cubes, cola.

Everything's perfect.

Good.

Kind of a shame, too.

Why?

Because I'm calling off the party.

You're not wearing that dress.

What's wrong with this dress?

Well, honey, I--

it's the fabrics.

What's the matter with the fabric?

Well, there's not enough of it.

Honey.

You go in the other room and put on a nice conservative business

suit.

Rob.

I've worn this dress times, and you

never complained before.

Yeah, well, I've let you get away with it.

That's all.

Oh, my goodness.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get that.

You put on a sweater or a lumber jacket or something.

Hi. - Hi.

- Oh, it's you. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Next time, I'll try to be somebody more important.

No. I-- I was expecting--

I know. You were expecting your sponsor.

- Yeah. - Hi-ya, Laura.

- Hi, Jerry. - Wow.

Hi, Millie.

Oh, you look so nice.

Thank you.

You know, you're right.

It's better without the matching jacket.

What matching-- is there a matching jacket?

Where is the matching jacket?

Now don't you dare cover up those beautiful shoulders.

You want to impress your sponsor, don't you?

Uh, Jerry, how about a corn curly?

Don't you have any potato poopies?

[doorbell ringing]

Yes, they're potato poopies.

- Hi, Sal. - Hi, Rob.

- Hi, Rob. - Hi-ya, Sally.

Hi, Buddy. Mel.

Hi.

[interposing voices]

How are you, Jim?

Where do you want [inaudible] to put the party stuff?

Uh, right in the kitchen door, through there.

[chatter]

Hello, Jim.

Laura Meehan.

Jim Darling.

Darling?

That's his name.

She wouldn't call him that.

It's so wonderful seeing you again.

Oh, Jim, it's wonderful seeing you, too.

My goodness.

And if you get a few feet apart,

you can see each other better.

[laughter]

You know, you haven't changed a bit.

If anything, you're more beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Jim. And you are looking wonderful.

Look at that tan, Rob.

Hey, Jim, come here.

I want you to meet some wonderful people.

This is Jerry and Millie Helper, our neighbors.

Jerry, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

And this is our new sponsor, Jim Darling.

Wait a minute.

Let's get that right.

Jim, our darling sponsor.

Come on, everyone, sit down.

Oh, OK.

Well, uh, Laura--

Hey, Jim, sit here.

This is more comfortable.

[spring bouncing]

Well, uh, Buddy, where's, uh, Pickles?

She's taking a course in cooking.

She stayed home.

She's rehearsing breakfast.

This is a lovely home you have here.

Well, thank you.

That's, uh, my favorite Picasso.

I have it, also.

Oh, you have one of those prints?

Well, uh-- [laughing]

He has the original.

Oh.

Oh, well, uh, a print has a lot of advantages.

If the house blows up, I'm only out two bucks.

[laughter]

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

I hope you find it satisfactory, sir.

I didn't have time to chill properly.

I'm sure it'll be all right, Edward.

Wonderful lad.

Does everything for me.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

Yeah, I, uh, know what you mean.

I feel the same way about Walter.

- Who's Walter? - Oh, Walter.

He's been with us for years, like part of the family.

Well, where have you been hiding him?

Walter is the man who comes in once a month

to do the woodwork.

Yeah.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

Oh, is that his name?

He does our windows.

Rob's such a kidder.

Well, uh, Jim, how long are you going to be in town?

Not long.

I'm due in Australia very soon.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, I mean, you know, Australia's beautiful this time

of the week.

MEL: Oh, by the way, Jim, your plane tickets will be

on your desk tomorrow morning.

Fine, thank you.

No trouble at all.

Let's see.

Australia, Bangkok, and then right on to Hong Kong.

All jets.

And that'll get me in Hong Kong

just in time for the Chinese New Year.

Gee, imagine being in Hong Kong for Chinese New Year's.

It must be exciting to make trips like that.

I'm planning a long trip next month with Laura.

Oh, really?

Where are you going?

Well, uh, Jim, the, uh, first leg of the trip will take us

to White Plains and then Mount [inaudible],, Peekskill,

right into [inaudible],, and that'll get us to, uh,

Grossinger's in time for Hanukkah.

[laughing]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yes, he is.

Just a moment, please.

Jim, it's for you. Long distance.

Melbourne. MILLIE: Australia?

Wow.

I hope you don't mind I gave them your number.

No.

I like Australia to have my number.

Yes, this is he.

I'm ready, Australia.

Hello? Yes.

What's the good news, Sir Douglas?

Hey, Sir Douglas, how about that?

A man with a title talking to a house with a mortgage.

Now that's democracy.

Well, it was nice to hear your voice again.

Uh-huh.

Yes, well, I've talked to my associates in London.

And we'll take, uh, , more shares.

Boy, that's what I call real class.

A guy talks long distance.

He don't even holler.

Uh, regards to Lady Pembroke.

Right. Bye bye.

I'm sorry, Rob. - Sorry?

Listen.

When news of that phone call gets out on the street,

real estate values are going to go sky high.

Say, I, uh--

reminds me.

I've got to call Sidney.

Oh, Australia?

No.

Sidney Blakeman, my accountant.

He's going to buy me about , shares of--

Rob, potato poopies.

Of potato poopies, yeah.

Just one.

I've got to watch my figure, you know.

Here. I'll take some of those, honey.

I can handle them.

Uh, tennis, golf, handball.

That's what keeps me trim.

I wish I had time for those things.

Well, a man like you should take time

for things like tennis and golf and marriage.

Well, I don't care much for tennis or golf,

but I'd get married in a minute if I could

find another girl like Laura.

How about another girl like Sally?

Another girl?

How about Sally?

I'll have some more of those, Laura, darling.

Laura Darling.

Hey, that would have been her name if she married you.

Laura Darling.

And everything would have been entirely different.

And Lady Pamela would be right here in this room

eating corn poopies and potato curlies and everything.

[inaudible] floating out on a boat out in the Mediterranean.

And you've have been thrown overboard by now.

Hey Jim, do you own a yacht?

Just a small one, yeah.

Jim.

Jim, how do you get to be so successful?

I mean, is there a magic formula?

Well, I don't think there's any one formula for success.

It's a combination of luck and persistence

and the willingness to gamble.

And rich relatives.

Well, Jim, as I remember--

your parents weren't wealthy, were they?

No, as a matter of fact, they weren't.

Dad had a little grocery, and I was born

right in the back of the store. - Oh, is that--

I-- did I ever tell you, I was born in the back

of a grocery store, too? - Oh, really?

Yeah, it was because we didn't have

a front of a grocery store.

[laughter]

Well, we were, uh, really pretty poor in those days.

Things were pretty tough.

Very poor. - Yeah.

You think you were poor.

My family was so poor, the church mouse

lived in our house.

Jim, wasn't, uh--

your father was the first to carry

frozen foods in his grocery store, wasn't he?

That's right. He was one of the first.

Uh, there weren't too many freezers in those days.

So we had to scrape a little money together,

and we bought some freezers and rented them out.

And we were on our way.

Oh, this is exciting.

Yeah, it's a regular Horatio Algae story.

Alger.

Algae's that junk at the bottom of a fishtank.

So, uh, then what happened, Jim?

Well, uh, we went into some other appliances.

You know, diversified, and then we went international.

I guess that's about it.

Gee, the-- the whole thing started with freezers, huh?

Yeah, man, that's cool, huh?

You know, something, Jim?

Jerry's a guy a lot like you.

You know, trying new things all the time.

He's the dentist in our block to play Mantovani

records while he's drilling.

Yeah, that-- that's right.

Oh, of course, it's nothing compared to what you've done,

Jim.

Oh, I'll second that.

Boy, for a man of his age and handsomeness,

he's accomplished more than anybody I know.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Uh, would anyone like some coffee?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, I could use a cup.

I'll get it, honey.

I-- I'll help you, Laura.

Sally, I said I'm going to get it.

Oh, boy, are you going to get it.

See you later.

- Thank you for a nice evening. - Good night.

Hey, Rob.

Hey, thanks for the corn curlies.

Very interesting evening.

Bye. - Goodnight, Sal.

- Goodnight, Sal. - Goodnight, Laura.

It was wonderful seeing you again.

Thank you, Jim.

Rob, thank you so much for your hospitality.

Uh, Jim, are you still going to sponsor our show?

Well, sure.

Why not?

Well, I thought--

uh, good luck, Jim.

Good night, Rob.

Good night, Laura.

Good night.

Uh, take it easy.

Good night.

That's-- bye.

They're gone.

I'll, uh, get these in.

Well.

Thank you very much.

For what?

Thank you for what you did for me tonight.

What are you talking about?

You know very well what I'm talking about.

Thank you for making this party a disaster.

I turned it into a disaster?

You certainly did.

What did I do?

What did you--

you're my wife, aren't you?

So far.

All right.

As long as you're my wife, will you

please try and act like a wife?

What?

When I'm sick, you take care of me, don't you?

You-- you cold compresses, and you give me a thermometer

and a hot chicken soup.

Where were you when I needed you tonight?

You weren't sick tonight.

Oh, no?

Don't you call paranoia a sickness?

Paranoia?

Yeah, paranoia.

Persecution complex, insecurity, fear and envy.

Oh, boy.

A good wife doesn't treat paranoia

going around asking people if they want a potato poopy.

Well, what did you want me to do?

Well, honey, if you really wanted to help me,

you should have done something dramatic.

Poured hot coffee on me or set my hair on fire, anything.

You only did one good thing this evening,

and that was to prove to that millionaire

with his hand-sewn shoes, his cashmere socks,

how lucky he was not to be married to a wife who would

stand there and let her husband make

a complete jackass of himself.

You mean, you were really aware of what you said.

Aware?

Never in my -odd years of life have I ever been so embarrassed

and humiliated and ashamed.

You know, you could have taken me aside

and quietly whispered to me that I

have things that that millionaire hasn't got.

I've got a nice house and a charming son

and a beautiful wife.

Right now, if you had any compassion,

you'd put your arms around me and tell me

that you're as sorry for me as I am for myself.

Darling, I am.

Oh, honey, the next time I start

to put my foot in my mouth, will you please stop me?

Well, I'm not sure.

What do you mean?

It's kind of interesting.

Very flattering to see a man destroy himself for the love

of a beautiful woman.

Don't press your luck.

[dishes breaking]

Rob, what on Earth are you doing?

What does it look like?

You're breaking our dishes. But why?

Just because some of them are chipped?

No, because the chips and cracks in these dishes

are the living symbols of my financial insecurity.

And I don't like them around mocking me at mealtime.

You mean, you'd feel more financially

secure if we defied our accountant

and bought new dishes?

Very much.

Go.

[dishes breaking]

[music playing]