08x01 - Shower the People You Love with Stuff

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so we need brushes,
lacquer, thinner,

Turpentine,
polyurethane
and paint stripper.

- anything else?
- nope.

Remember though, that stuff
needs a lot of ventilation,

So take all the lids off
in the car on the way home.

What?

I'm sorry for staring
at you, Mrs. Conner,

But there's just something
about a pregnant woman
that's just so beautiful.

- beautiful how?
- I don't know.

You used the word
beautiful, you must
know what you mean.

You're just beautiful,
that's all.

Oh, really?
Is it my swollen ankles

That you like, or...

My varicose veins--
maybe they appeal to
your artist's eye, huh?

Or maybe it's my haggard face
from lack of sleep.

But I think the real
question here is,

Is "beautiful"
strong enough a word?

Thank you,
Mr. Conner,

For telling me
to say that.

- beautiful how?
- hey, d.J.,

Your old room's just
about to be painted.

Becky and Darlene
volunteered to help.
How about you?

No way. I'm moving
across the hall and i'm
never looking back.

So why announce it?
Nobody's gonna notice.

Well, at least tell
your sisters to hurry up
with that drop cloth.

It's just so great,
isn't it, Dan?

Two girls all grown up,
volunteering to...
( sniffles )

Help paint their
baby sister's nursery.

Ohh!

I remember that!

How the pregnancy hormones
get you all sentimental.

Go to hell, Jackie.
This ain't about you.

Honey, honey, remember,
you like Jackie.
Jackie good.

Though the nursery's
really coming along.

You gonna fix
those dents in the wall
before you paint it?

( chuckles )
oh, wow!

You remember
these, Rosie?

I sure do.
That's where Darlene

Banged d.J.'s head
in the wall every year

To show how tall
he'd grown.

You've got to promise me
you're not gonna paint
over those, Dan.

Okay, I got to get going,
but now I have officially
returned

All the baby clothes
that you lent me.

- where's the rest
of the stuff?
- what do you mean?

Going alphabetically,
after "clothes" comes "crib,"

Unless you dropped off
some crab cakes.

You want the crib back?

Roseanne, my little andy
still sleeps in that crib.

Well, let him hop
in bed with you.

He's gonna be in therapy
for the rest of his life anyway.

Fred moves out,

My baby has no father
and now you want to
take away his bed?

All right, fine. Keep it.
We'll buy another one.

The thing was
a deathtrap anyway.

Here, dad.

This is all
I could find.

Where in the hell
have you been?

Don't yell at me, mother.
I was getting this.

It took you long enough.
Seems like you've been
gone for three years.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

Man, look at all this
useless yuppie crap.

Oh, there's a whole new
world of baby products
out there now.

Yeah, I don't remember
any of this kind of stuff

When I had d.J.

We bought d.J.
That rattle, and, uh...

I guess it was
just the rattle.

Hey, check out
the car seats.

The ' s are in!

See, I don't need
one of those.

I'll just use
that booster seat
I stole from denny's.

What the hell's that?

That is
a jogging stroller.

Yeah, well, unless
the jogger comes with it,

I don't want nothing
to do with it.

Oh, man.
I wanted one
of these.

See?
A wiper warmer.
See there?

That keeps the little
baby wipes warm.

What's a baby wipe?

- here's the cribs.
- hey, that one's
pretty nice.

Yeah, well,
it ought to be.
It's $ .

God!
For that money,
I could buy her

A used vega
to sleep in.

Look at this.
This is $ .

They're so fancy,
you know?

The hampton,
the walden,

The shenandoah.

Well, find me
one called

I-need-a-cheap-replacement-
'cause-my-sister-stole-mine.

Maybe that would be
next to the one called
"the indian giver."

Hi hi hi.
Well, here we are.

We're shopping.
We're having fun.
Isn't this exciting?

Well, what can I
help you with today?

Well, it seems as if

I have a baby
stuck inside me.

Can you help me
with that?

- we're just looking, thanks.
- although i'll take a beer
if you've got one.

Is this your first?

No, I had a couple
before I left home.

You're fun!
( chuckles )

Well, listen,
if you need any help,

Or you want to register
for your baby shower...

Oh no no. No baby showers.
That's for women that are
happy they're having a baby.

I'm only having this baby
to counterbalance
the mormon lady down the road.

Besides,
all you really
need is the crib.

Yeah, but unfortunately
none of our friends
can waste $

On anything but
lottery tickets.

Maybe i'll check back
with you later.

Although...

I do have friends

Who could each
afford about

A crappy $ gift.

Uh, how lenient

Is your
return policy?

days
for store credit.

All right.
This crib is mine

And i'm having
that shower

And i'm inviting
every sucker I know

And i'm gonna
oversalt the popcorn

So I can make
extra money on drinks.

Hey, yeah, okay.
The name's conner.
So here's what I want.

I'll take
one of those
and, uh,

Two of those
and four of those
baby-wipe warmers.

Hey, this is cool.
It's a diaper genie.

Oh, a diaper genie.
That's great.

Any idea
what it does?

- no.
- put this down.

( humming )

What are you
so happy about?

I thought high school
was gonna be hard,
but this is gonna be great.

I mean, look,
they made a mistake.
They put me in the dumb math.

Oh please, d.J.,
you'll never make it
past lunch.

All the switchblades in your
back will keep setting off
the metal detectors.

No way!
Nobody'd do that!

Yeah, you're right.
They probably wouldn't
let you keep their knives.

Where the hell
have you been?

Why does everyone
keep saying that
to me?

Hey, Becky,
Darlene says on my
first day of high school

I'm gonna get stabbed.

- Darlene, what are
you telling him?
- yeah?!

No one's gonna want
to come near him
after they've...

Pulled him naked out
of the lunchroom dumpster.

I'm not going!

Hey, sorry
I got held up.

- how far'd you get
on the nursery?
- oh, i'm finished.

Wow! You got
the whole thing done?

That's not what I said.
I said "i'm finished."

Here, you're used to laying
on your back. Why don't you
start with the ceiling?

Come on, Darlene.
If we do it together, we can
finish in a couple hours.

You volunteered us
to do this, not me.

I would've bailed earlier,
but I ran into mom

And she did that
hormonal weepy thing
and told me she loved me.

Haven't developed
a defense for that yet.

I can't believe this.

You're just
gonna quit?

All right,
i'll come help you
after I finish my book.

Well, how far along
are you?

"call me ishmael."

Darlene, this isn't about
you for once. This is
about mom's other baby.

I'm not gonna get
involved in anything

That's gonna encourage
these people to procreate.

- that's why i'm
so anti-alcohol.
- ( door opens )

Why can't you just admit
that you don't care about
anyone but yourself?

- don't start with me, blondie.
- oh, what's going on here?

Just... Talking about
painting the nursery.

You don't have
to paint the nursery anymore.
You've been reassigned.

You guys are throwing me
a baby shower.

A baby shower?

Do we have to?

No, you can throw me
a wedding shower or whatever
you want to call it,

As long as the gifts
add up to bucks.

Here you go.
Here's the guest list.

Mother, there's like,
a thousand people
on this list.

"ross perot"?

- "oprah winfrey"?
- yeah see,
they don't know

That they don't
know me.

For my wedding, I got
a great bottle of wine
from spiro agnew.

- but, mom--
- no buts about it.

You two are ingrates.

Don't you
remember all the times
I made you pudding?

- okay, we'll do it.
- what?

Eh, sure,
what the hell?

Well?

Fine,
we'll throw you
a shower.

Oh.
That is just
so sweet.

My two daughters,

Working together
to give me a baby shower.

Oh.
So great.

I love you both
so much.

I'm gonna have
to make you some pudding.

Someday.

What a basket case.

When she hugged me,
I knew true fear.

Well, I guess we should
decide who does what.

How about you
do the invitations
and i'll make the food?

Whoa, cowgirl,
i've done my part.

I volunteered us.

Wait, you're not gonna
stick me with this.

Well, you stuck me
with painting
the nursery.

Becky, this isn't about
you for once. This is
about mom's other baby.

Ooh!
Cuts both ways,
doesn't it?

Hey, you're not getting
out of this, Darlene.

Why do you have
to be so lazy?

You know, that's just
like you, Becky--

Assuming that this is the only
shower I have to work on.

Whoa!

Wow.
Nice job, David.

Thanks.
Hey, I know
this guys' shower

Was Mrs. Conner's idea,
but I think it's great.

I mean, why should women
get to have all the fun?
Men like babies.

- we're not animals.
- yeah.

Now I called all
the guys' wives and got
all their baby pictures.

I thought it would be fun
if we tried to match the guys'
pictures to their timecards.

Isn't that fun?

You don't hang out
with a lot of mechanics,
do you, David?

Hey, guys, i'm not quite
finished setting up yet.

I still have pizza rolls
in the toaster oven.

( chuckles )
no, you don't.
Congratulations, Dan.

Yeah, we all chipped in
and got you $ .

- thanks, guys.
- well, better get
back to work, huh?

Yeah,
they don't pay us
to stand around, right?

Hey hey.
We're a present short.

You pull back on
those hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, look at this place.

Oh, Becky and Darlene
did a great job.

Yeah, didn't they?
They got food and a lot
of places to sit--

Although not too many
places to sit so people
won't linger.

Hello, Jackie.

That's my other daughter,
the one I told you about.

Who are these women
and why are they here?

They're mom's friends,
and the great thing is
that most of them are senile,

So we can hit 'em up
for presents twice.

Roseanne, you asked me
to invite all my friends,

And so far
you haven't even said
one word to them.

Well, can I
pick the word?

- Roseanne!
- okay.

Hi.

Sorry about
your husband.

Thank you.

What happened
to her husband?

I don't know.
I'm just playing
the odds.

Hi. Sorry about
your husband.

You know, I could use
some help out there.

Yeah,
i've been watching,
and you could.

I can't believe you, Darlene.
I've had to do
everything myself.

You were the one that
wanted all this fancy stuff.

If it was up to me,
i'd just put out a -lb bag
of old-people chow.

Okay, Darlene,
you got your revenge for
painting the stupid nursery.

Now the least
you could do is take these
stuffed mushrooms out there.

Isn't it enough that
I pretended to wash them?

Hey, come on. We need
to get to the part where
I open up the old ladies' gifts.

One of them could die
and then the present would
be wrapped up in probate.

- what do you got there?
- stuffed mushrooms.

- oh. Well, they
look pretty good.
- well, thanks.

I made the mushrooms!

There's no "I"
in "team," Becky.

I just want to say
something to you guys.

I know that you got
roped into doing this,
but I want to tell you

How happy it makes me
that you pulled together
and pulled this whole thing off.

It's so great
how you guys are turning
into such really cool adults,

And that makes me feel
like I could really
raise another one.

It was no
problem, mom.

Yeah, it was
our pleasure.

Hey, you guys,
try my special
stuffed mushrooms.

- oh!
- oh, Darlene!

What's with the fruit?

Making a fruit punch.

I've always found
the best way to make
fruit punch is to, uh,

Put in a carton
of fruit punch and add
another carton of fruit punch.

Mother, it's better
this way.

Okay, but i'd rather
have it fast than good.

Last call!

Good, you're here.
Okay, girls.

Baby games,
baby games.

Now i've got buttons,
i've got string,

I've got pipe cleaners
and yarn.

It's time to play

"make a potato baby."

Everybody grab
a russet,

And remember
you're only limited
by your imagination.

You'll be judged
on neatness
and originality.

- now in case of a tie--
- present time!

Here you go, Roseanne.
Hope you like these.

Gee, thanks, Crystal.
Oh, that's beautiful.

Man! Hey, that looks like
it came from a pretty
expensive boutique.

Oh no, ma'am.
I made it myself.

Oh.

Here, Roseanne.

Because I love you
and everything that
comes out of you.

What is it?

It's a gift certificate to have
your baby's zodiac chart done
after she's born.

Hey, telling one of my kids
what their future's gonna be

Is no gift,
believe me.

Darlene, these
stuffed mushrooms
are great!

Thanks.
I chewed up
the croutons myself.

Here you are, dear.

My children are
all doing very well,

And since marvin passed on,
I don't really have anything
to do with my money, so...

Well, you certainly
came to the right place.

Oh. "in honor
of your baby,

A tree has been
planted in israel."

There you are, Beck.
The world's last surviving
confederate widow

Wants another drink.

Darlene...

Don't get up, Roseanne.
I know the drill.

Here's the gift.
Here's the receipt.
I'll just put 'em in the car.

Hey, let's play
a new game now, okay?

Um, it's called
"unwrapping your gift."

Everybody get the gift that
they brought me and unwrap it
and make two piles.

This pile here,
put the stores

Where you bought it
closest to my house;

And the ones farthest away,
put over there.

Well, look
at 'em go.

Hey, Becky,
we're all done
with the mushrooms.

Start frying up
them potato babies.

She's not in the kitchen.
She and Darlene went upstairs
a minute ago.

Oh, man.
I got to go up there
and break 'em up.

"break 'em up" why?
They're getting
along great.

No, they're not.
They've been fighting
all week.

It's been nothing but
trouble ever since

Becky dipped her chocolate
in darlene's peanut butter.

- need some help?
- no, I can do it.

D.J.!

Get back downstairs,
Darlene.

Get out of
my life, Becky.

I'm not asking for much.

It's not like i'm asking you
to shave your pits or something.

You're just mad 'cause
your body hasn't grown
into your butt yet.

Hey, I am sick
of your crap.

You get downstairs
and do something.

No, you're the one
that wants to be
the perfect daughter,

So you go downstairs
and serve mushrooms
and paint the nursery,

And afterwards you can
entertain the queen
with riddles.

Hey, i'm not trying to be
the perfect daughter, okay?

I'm trying to be
a decent human being.

Oh, bull.
You are always
kissing mom's ass.

- you get
down there now!
- no!

- I said go!
- stop it, Becky!

- let go!
- stop it!

- ow, get off me!
- hey hey hey!
Knock it off!

If you guys can't
do your braids nicely,
then don't do 'em at all.

- she started it.
- bull!

Okay well,
enough is enough.

You're over there
and you're over there,

And both of you
shut the hell up.
What's gotten into you guys?

I can't believe you're back
into the fighting thing.

If you
don't stop, i'm...

Wow. Wow.

That was deja vu.

- what?
- this, all this--
you guys fighting again.

You on that bed,
you on that bed, both of you
wanting to k*ll each other.

It's kind of nice,
you know?

- it is?
- yeah.

I miss it.
I miss my girls.

But, damn it,
I can't do this anymore.

I have a child inside of me
who really is a child,

And you guys can't keep fighting
like you're years old.

This wasn't
a kid fight, mother.

This was an adult fight.

Oh really?

- D.J.!
- what are you
calling him for?

You'll see.

Hey, I didn't
push that lady.
She just fell.

This is nothing
to do with that.

Darlene and Becky
are fighting again.

Do you remember the stuff
I used to say to them?

- yeah.
- well, tell 'em.

Darlene, stop acting
like such a smart-mouthed
little brat.

And Becky, stop acting
like a martyr.

If you two can't get along,
i'll lock you in your room
until you do.

Now I don't want
to hear another peep
out of either one of you

During "the love boat."

Well done, son.

Thanks.
Can I have a car?

You guys know
that i'm always
gonna be your mom,

But now i'm only gonna
do that if you have -
and -year-old problems.

If you're gonna go pulling
all the little-girl crap,

Then you can just
go to D.J.

Hey, what are
you doing here?

I decided
to come home early
and roll the drunks.

Jackie told me
Becky and Darlene
were fighting.

Yeah well,
it's no big deal.
I just put D.J. on it.

Let's go count up
the loot.

D.J.:
all right, you heard her.
I'm the boss now.

Hey!

Oh, look, Dan!

D.J.'s gotten
so much taller!

( theme song playing )

( Roseanne laughs )