08x06 - The Fifties Show

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

Good evening.

My name is Roseanne Barr
Pentland Arnold Thomas,

Or, as I like
to call me,

Roseanne.

What you are
about to see

Is the original
"Roseanne" show pilot.

It has been lost
for some years,

Along with my mind.

The difference is

That this episode
has been found.

Love to all my fans.

Enjoy.

Announcer:
from television city
in Hollywood, California,

- it's "That's Our Rosey"...
- ( whimsical music playing )

Starring america's
favorite housewife,

Roseanne.

Also starring
John Goodman

As Dan Conner,

Laurie Metcalf as Roseanne's
wacky neighbor Jackie,

The irrepressible
Lecy Goranson as Rebecca,

Sara Gilbert as
the absent daughter Darlene,

And Michael Fishman
as the Deej.

Also featuring
the impish Matthew Fishman

As younger brother
Stinky Conner,

The dashing Glenn Quinn as
Rebecca's favorite beau Mark,

And happy-go-lucky
Johnny Galecki

As foreign exchange
student Davide.

Choir:
♪ that's our Rosey. ♪

( laughing )

( applause )

Rosey, i'm home.

( applause )

My goodness,
your hat is pushed up.

You must have
had a rough day
at the office.

It's that darned
anderson account.

- how about a martini?
- make it a double.

I already did.

( chuckling )

All:
hi, dad!

Hi, kids.

Bon jour, eh?

Davide,

You're in the good old
U.S. of A. now.

I won't have you speaking
french-canadian.

Well, during your w*r
for independence,

You fought bravely
for your freedom.

We in canada,
we were too frightened

And remained loyal
to the crown.

Well, let's start eating

Before it gets cold.

Mm-mmm.

Kitten?
You look flushed.

Oui, oui, she is
flushed with amour.

Tonight you are going
on le date, eh?

Le date?
You just went out
last Friday night.

Uh-oh,
becky's in trouble.

Mother, help.

Oh now, dear,

Can't she please
go out tonight?

All she has left
of her homework
is just chemistry

And she's a girl
so she'll never use it.

Be home by : .

Oh! Thanks, dad.

You're the best.

That's why he
wears the sansabelts
in this family.

( sighs )

Well, i'd better get cracking
on that evening paper.

It's on the coffee table
right next to your pipe.

I've already ironed it open
to the sports page.

That's my rosey.

Say, Deej,

I was talking
to coach johnson
this morning

At the rotary club
prayer breakfast,

And he mentioned
the football tryouts

Are just around
the corner.

Yeah. Great.

So we'll toss that
pigskin around after
you clean your plate.

Say, stinky,

I'd like to talk
to your brother
for a minute,

So, um, could you go up
to your room, please?

Come on, stinky.

My american mommy has
the look that gives me
la creeps.

Uh-oh,
d.J.'s in trouble.

Now let's see
if we can't turn
that frown upside-down.

You do want to play
football now, don't you?

Yeah, dad wants me to.

But yet you also want
to play the guitar

In your very own
rock 'n' roll band?

I sure do!

Well, obviously you
cannot do both.

That would be like me
trying to raise a family

And have a job
at the same time...

And that could
never work.

Yeah, 'cause
you're a girl.

What am
I gonna do, mom?

Don't you worry.

You just go upstairs and
get a good night's sleep.

Oh! Hey, toots!

You've gotta help.
people just showed up.

- I gotta borrow
a turkey.
- a turkey?

Well, luckily for you,
I just...

Happen to have one.

Cook at ° for
one hour, and voila!

Thanks, rosey.
You saved my marriage...

Again!

Better get this home
to Fred or he'll
spank my derriere

Till it's red
as the kremlin.

Bye-bye,
and buy bonds!

"that's our rosey"
will return

After this brief
commercial announcement.

Say, this senator mccarthy
fellow is really on the beam.

Hey, slugger,

I hear you got a visit
at school from good old
reddy kilowatt today

Talking about the wonders
of atomic power.

We sure did.
It was really neat.

But i'm confused, dad.

I mean, aren't
atomic bombs bad?

Not if they're
our bombs, son.

You see, the atom
does play a vital part

In our m*llitary-
industrial complex,

But it also has
a lot of good uses
right here at home.

This is a lump of coal.

Notice how dirty
and smelly it is.

- yuck!
- ( Dan chuckles )

But this is uranium.

You'd have to fill
a football field

times with coal

To equal the power
in this little devil.

Neato!

Soon,
if we're lucky,

Every town in america
will have their own
atomic power plant

And we'll all have
electricity that's
too cheap to meter.

( announcer speaking )

Well,
stinky and the Deej

Are all tucked in.

And these darn
communists

Are up to their
old tricks again.

Need help?

Oh no no, dear.
You've worked hard all day.

You just sit there
and enjoy your paper.

( doorbell rings )

Hey, little missy,

Where's the fire?

Hi, Mark.

How are you?

Oh, tip-toppity, becks.

"where's the fire?"
you ask.

It's in her eyes.

Here, these--
these are for you.

Marzipan!

They're dreamy.

You ready to go, becks?

Just a minute.

Mom, kitchen.

Oh, well, you boys
go ahead and talk
amongst yourselves.

So, how are you,
Mr. C?

Tip-toppity.

What am I going
to do, mom?

We've been dating
three weeks already.

If he doesn't pin me tonight,
i'll die! I'll just die!

Oh, there there,
rebecca.

If you don't have
a steady boyfriend,

It won't be
the end of the world.

It won't?

I'm just kidding.
Of course it will!

Well then,
what should I do, mom?

Well, actually it's
as easy as pie, dear.

If you want
to trap a man,

You cannot appear
to be too eager

And you must never
never act too smart.

Oh! You know everything
about everything, mom.

Yes, I do, dear,
but just don't tell
your father.

The key to
a good fallout shelter

Is in the locks.

So when the big one drops
and you have to take cover,

It's not the commies
you'll be fighting off,

It's your neighbors.

Daddy, have you been
talking to Mark?

We were just talking
about the red menace.

Well, i'm glad
I wasn't here for that.

I wouldn't have
understood a word.

( both chuckle )

We should be going.
Bye-bye.

Good luck.

You know, honey,
that boy's starting
to grow on me.

He's opposed to those
who are not like us

And he's on
the football team.

Tip-toppity.

Announcer:
"that's our rosey"

Will return after this brief
commercial announcement.

( coughing )

( hacking )

Gosh, you sound awful.

These darn cigarettes
tickle my throat.

Maybe I should just
quit smoking?

No, just change brands.

Here, try one of mine.

Say, that's rich
tobacco flavor.

What brand are these?

Yorks.
Their unique filter

Allows you to enjoy
great taste

Without wheezing.

And look what I got
by saving the coupons.

Why, it's yorkie!

The cute little
otter from the
york cigarette ads.

Stinky, i've got
a friend here who'd
like to meet you.

Yorkie!

Both:
uh-oh.

The old brand's
in trouble.

Choir:
♪ york's the one
for you. ♪

( machine clicking )

Come in.

The balance in this
doggone checkbook

Is as frustrating as
this darn anderson account.

You haven't overspent your
allowance again, have you?

Now dear, you haven't
seen me wearing any new
hats lately, have you?

Not this week.

Look what
i've done, dear.

I've cleared off
two whole shelves,

So that the Deej
can fill them up with
his football trophies.

You know, dear,
i'm kind of worried
about the Deej.

I think that--
I mean,

I don't think,
I-- I feel...

While he likes
football,

He may actually like music
a little better.

Music?

The Deej?

Yes, dear,
haven't you noticed?

He's got that
pop-b*at fever.

No son of mine is
going to be playing in
a rock 'n' roll band.

"rock 'n' roll."

The kids call it music,
but I call it noise.

But, dear,

Do you really think
it would hurt

To let the Deej decide
this for himself?

Well--

No.

Let's leave
the Deej be

And let him make up
his own mind.

You wanted to
see me, dear?

Rosey, you've got
some explaining to do.

I'm sorry, dear.

I guess sometimes
a woman's emotions

Just get
the best of her.

( chuckles )

Well, I forgive you.

You know, I guess
the Deej will do
whatever he wants to do.

Kids these days
just don't listen.

Well, I think I know
the Deej, dear,

And he is not going
to do anything without
his father's approval.

Okay, i'll talk to him.

What is it, dear?

It's just so hard
being a man.

You have to clean out
the gutters, balance
the checkbook,

Solve all
the kids' problems,

And still worry about
that darn anderson account.

Oh dear,
don't worry about it.

I'm sure the solution to
that darn anderson account

Will come to you.

Oh.

Deej, your father's
looking for you.

He wants to talk.
Go wait in the study.

Uh-oh, the Deej
is in trouble.

( doorbell rings )

- hello, mose.
- evening, miss rosey.

I's here to pick up
that box of discards
for the church.

It's right over there.

Go on, get it,
June bug.

So, mose, how are all the
colored people doing over
on your side of town?

Good. Everybody's
workin' over there.

Colored people's happy
when they're working.

How's all
the lovely white folks
on this side of town?

Just fine, mose,
thank you.

That's good.
Well, it's late.
I got to get on now.

- you walk with jesus.
- oh yes, definitely.

Oh, so cute!

Are things ever
gonna change, pop?

Oh, someday, when one
of us is president.

Might even be you, son.

Who were they, mom?

Oh, that's just
old mose powell

And his son colin.

- hey, toots.
- Jackie, where have you been?

We only have
minutes for our
coffee klatch today

And I have to
soak my hands
in this mild detergent

So they'll be...

Nice and soft,
the way Dan likes 'em

And i'm already
in his doghouse.

Doghouse,
huh?

Did you ball his
socks instead of
folding them?

'cause I did that
to Fred once,

And whoa!

No no, nothing
like that.

You see, Dan wants
the Deej to play football

And I-- I kind of
encouraged him to play
the guitar instead.

You went against
dan's wishes?

Well, the Deej wants
to play guitar, Jackie.

And I know, because,

Well, i'm the one
that's home all day

Every day
from morning till night.

Mmm.

Jackie,
could you please

Not be wacky
for one minute?

Sorry!

What i'm trying
to say is--

Well, gosh, it seems
like I do everything
for this family

And yet Dan
gets all the credit.

Well, he is the man.

But I do all
the laundry,

I balance the checkbook,
I do the shopping,

I take care of the kids
and the car and darn it,
i'm just not...

Say it, rosey,
say it!

I'm not happy.

That's all
I needed to hear.

( dramatic music
playing )

Jackie,
what are you doing?

You're not alone.
There are other women
who feel the way you do.

- they talk about
changing things.
- changing things?

- who don't want to
take it anymore!
- no, stop!

Who don't want to do
what their husbands say
just because they say so!

No more!
No more!

You're giving me
a pounding headache!

I'm not giving you
a headache,

The truth is giving
you a headache.

Jackie, I can't believe
this is coming from you.

You're so wacky!

That's my cover.

A bunch of us are
having meetings
once a week.

We call them
"tupperware parties."

There's only
a few of us now
but we're growing.

We're planning
a revolution.

Under the guise of keeping
your leftovers fresh?

That's brilliant.

Are you with us?

Are you telling me
that if I join,

I won't have this feeling
of hopelessness anymore?

I can have some control
in my life,

And over my own destiny?

Yes! That's
the spirit, sister!

Well, you're not gonna
hit me, are you?

No no!

This is what
we all do!

Announcer:
don't go away.

"that's our rosey"
will be right back.

Ho-hum.

Feeling "ho-hum"?

Dr. Clean.

I just don't have a lot
of energy lately, doctor.

I have trouble
concentrating,

A general feeling
of hopelessness

And I just feel
out of sorts.

Well, has your
housework suffered?

Not yet.

But I did notice
this morning

When I was ironing,
for the first time

I didn't hum.

I've been hearing this
a lot lately.

You need baritol.

- baritol?
- yes, many
housewives find

That it soothes
and restores.

Announcer:
baritol contains alcohol

And other fine
distilled products.

It helps them
get back to the things
that matter most,

Like cooking
and cleaning.

Okay, son,
go wash up.

Dad, you're
the greatest.

( chuckles )

Rosey, how about
some coffee?

So, how did your talk
with d.J. Go, dear?

Swell. Turns out
I was right all along.

- the lad really did
want to play the guitar.
- oh, that's just great.

That's nothing. You should
see the way I handled
that anderson account.

The boss has invited me
to his club for a steam.

Oh honey,
you're so smart!

I love you
to pieces!

Hey, what do you say
we push our twin beds
together tonight

And...?

Shh.
The kids'll hear you.

Uh-oh,
dad's in trouble.

Chorus:
♪ that's our rosey. ♪

( rock music
playing )

♪ hey, everybody listen ♪

♪ to what I say ♪

♪ I may be a kid,
but I don't play ♪

♪ the stuff I know
they don't teach in school ♪

♪ do you know
what I mean? ♪

♪ i'm too cool
for cool ♪

Chorus:
♪ he's cool, man,
he's too cool ♪

♪ well,
i'm too cool ♪

♪ he's cool, man,
he's too cool ♪

♪ do you know
what I mean? ♪

♪ i'm too cool
for cool ♪

♪ i've got
the glasses, the suit ♪

♪ and the attitude ♪

♪ anybody doubts me,
I just say "sh**t" ♪

♪ I may be young
but I ain't no fool ♪

♪ do you know what
I mean? ♪

♪ i'm too cool
for cool ♪

Chorus:
♪ cool. ♪

( all screaming )

And you didn't want
to buy him a guitar.

( whimsical music
playing )

♪ that's our rosey. ♪