08x13 - The White Sheep of the Family

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

It's beautiful,

More beautiful than
I ever could have imagined.

( sniffing )

( sighs )

Nothing smells as sweet
as money you didn't earn.

( chuckles )

Yeah, why couldn't
a relative die every day?

$ for doing nothing.

Now I know
how regis feels.

You know, money
really is kinda like
an aphrodisiac, isn't it?

Come here, big boy.

Mmm-muah!

It sure took
its time getting here.

Your aunt harriet
d*ed three months ago.

Yeah, well, when you
die on a cruise ship

They pack you in buffet ice
and just eat around you.

I got an idea.
Let's get it all
in singles,

Throw it on the floor,
roll around in it.

Whatever sticks we get
to spend on snow cones.

I can't believe
you guys are actually

Celebrating someone's death.

Hey, we're not
celebrating anybody's death.

We're celebrating
the fact that we got

$ here.

Her death
was just a bonus.

Hey!
Hold on there, sparky.

Aunt harriet sent you
an envelope too.

It's probably
a bill for bucks.

Wow, $ !

( laughing )

No, d.J., that's $ .

It couldn't be--
it's $ .

Why would she give d.J.
More money than you guys?

Well, actually,
it makes perfect sense.

D.J. Is the only
member of the family
that aunt harriet never met.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )

Mrs. Conner just called

From the mall
where she's grieving.

I've convinced her
to limit her grief to $ .

Okay.

It's gonna be seven of us

So that comes out to...

$ . per person.

Wait, wouldn't
we get more per person

If somebody didn't go
like, uh, David?

Mrs. Conner wants
everyone to go, Mark.

And if I was you I wouldn't
bring up the subject

Of somebody not going.

Look, everyone's going.

There's plenty of money
for seven people to have
a great meal.

Surprise!

( door closes )

Look, it's Darlene.

- hey.
- hey.

( sniffs )
what's that you're wearing?

( sniffs )

Oh, it's the couch.

Well, i'm sure you've
got big fancy plans

To go out somewhere
starting about, oh say : .

So why don't you just
take off and i'll
put your bag away?

No, i'm all yours.

I didn't make any plans

And i'm wearing shoes
that pinch to keep me awake.

So, what's for dinner?
I'm starving.

I don't know, but it's
not gonna be as good

As what we were having
seconds ago.

Can you meet me
in the kitchen for a sec?

How much and when
do you need it?

Uh... $ by Monday
night when I leave.

Man, Darlene!

Well, it's for heat
and books.

And that pesky
heroin habit.

Please.

Look, i'll work for it.
I'll do anything.

Okay. For starts
you have to be nice

To everyone in the family
the whole time you're here.

Whoa, hold on a minute.
When I said i'd do anything

There is a whole lot of stuff
not included in that.

Becky:
okay, dad.
We got it.

All right. What do we
got to play with?

$ . per person.

Well, that sucks.

You were just dangling
that good dinner right
in front of me

Just like a carrot
in front of a monkey!

You know, I think
i'm the only person

That can get off
a crowded smelly bus

And remember that
as the highlight
of their visit home.

Okay, now remember,
it's $ . each.

And that has to include
your drinks and your dessert.

And for your information,
"market price" means move on.

You know, for such
a fancy restaurant,

They really don't
have much of a menu.

There's no jumbles,
nothing to color.

Boy, look at
all this stuff.

I don't even know
where to start.

Well, i'll simplify it
for you here.

Appetizers are
the crackers we ate

In the car
on the way over here.

And now pasta, you know,
that's just spaghetti.

And I wouldn't pay
$ . for spaghetti

If they had
Mr. Chef boyardee himself
in the kitchen there.

I think i'll--
i'll get the fish.

I see what you're
doing there, Mark.

Ordering up
the brain food, huh?

Nice choice.
Too bad it's too late.

Well, I think
i'm gonna have

The king cut of prime rib
and a caesar salad.

Can anyone tell dad
where he went wrong?

Do you, Dan conner,
take this woman?

Sorry, Mr. Conner.
You can have my share.

I can't eat knowing
we only got this money
because someone d*ed.

All right, we're
back up $ . each!

( all cheering )

All right, David!

You know that
fasting sure can be
cleansing and spiritual.

Anybody else here wanna
join up with gandhi

So I can double up
on the desserts?

Hello.

My name is stan.

I'll be your waiter
this eveni--

Oh my god,
it's you!

Hey!
It's Mr. Parkin.

You guys know our waiter?

Yeah, we got him fired
from the buy-and-bag.

- how are you?
- oh, this is the guy?

Yes, this is the guy.

It's good to see you
landed on your feet.

Yes, thanks to you

I'm on my feet
about hours a day.

By the way, would you
care to order some food

So you have something
to throw at each other?

I think we're gonna
need a little time.

Yeah, things
are a lot different

Now that we know we won't
have to be leaving a tip.

I really dislike you.

By the way, may I
recommend the shellfish?

I understand
it's tainted.

Hey, bring us out one of
those wine lists, will you?

We need something
to roll a joint on.

This is officially
the most embarrassing
night of my life.

So if anybody wants
to yodel, go ahead.

Come on, Darlene.
This is great.

You know,
when my aunt d*ed

All I got was
a -acre farm.

I can't believe this.
You guys act like you've
never seen money before.

Of course we've seen it,
but the bank keeps complaining

About our nose prints
on the glass.

I'm serious.
I mean, it's embarrassing

That you can't spend
money like adults.

Big talk for a girl who's
hitting us up for bucks.

Yeah, we all
got jobs, at least.

You're the only one here
who has absolutely no money.

( all laughing )

It's not like you're
giving me the money.
I'm borrowing it.

And i'm gonna
pay you back that $ ,

Plus every other loan
you guys have ever given me.

( laughs )

Oh, Darlene, just making
me laugh like that

Is repayment enough.

Hey, i'm gonna
be able to pay you back.

I mean, if I took the job
I was offered last week

I could pay you back
in a couple months.

We'll, i'm glad
that you didn't take it.

We didn't send you to college
so you could drop out

And take some crummy job
for bucks a week.

Jobs like that
are for people like David
who have no future.

Look, the job was
not for $ , okay?

It was as an advertising
copywriter

And it started
at $ a week.

( laughing )
oh, come on, you guys.

She's kidding!

I can't believe the way
she's got you guys going.

$ a week!

Well, I didn't take it,
so it doesn't matter.

( laughing )

Come on, you guys!

Okay, oh-- okay.

Darlene turned down
a $ , a year job.

So, Mark, how's
the senate treating you?

That's a lot
of money, Darlene.

Yeah, well, so what?

I mean, I want
to finish school, all right?

Darlene, you go to college
so you can get a job like that.

Yeah, but I can get
a job like that

After I finish college.

Or a better one.

God, i'm sorry
I brought this up.

It's just that we
can't believe

That you would turn
something like that down.

How much money
do you make, dad?

Well, that's kinda
hard to say, what with,

You know, overtime,
retirement...

Benefits...
Weekly salaries--

Hey, everybody, come on!
We're gonna order, aren't we?

Yeah, what the hell's
taking us so long?
Come on.

Always a pain
in the butt going out
anywhere with you people.

You know, you guys,
I didn't mean
to like make this--

Darlene, please, we're
trying to get the waiter.

- everybody know
what they want?
- yeah, think I do.

Darlene and I are
gonna laugh so hard
about this someday.

Man on tv:
release the princess...

( chuckles )

What is this crap?

This is hercules
versus, uh...

Tribe with
well-oiled pectorals.

Well, why are we
watching this?

Because it's good.

Duh.

Yeah, shut up, Darlene.

Are you guys
sucking the soul
from my body for sport

Or are you gaining
some sort of nourishment?

Shut up, Darlene!

Okay, who wants to teach
Becky a new phrase?

She knows
"shut up, Darlene."

And "do you have this
in a larger size?"

Hey! We're watching
tv here, all right?

D.J., what is that?

It's a trombone.

I bought it with my
inheritance money.

You spent all $
on that trombone?

Your mother and I
told you to put half
of it in a college fund.

I did!
This only cost $ .

I'm not stupid.
I don't know how
to play the trombone.

Whoa whoa whoa
whoa, young man.

Why did you
buy a trombone?

I bought it 'cause
there's this girl I like.

- i'm not getting it.
- neither do a lot
of trombone players

Darlene.

All right, I like
this girl who plays

First tuba
in the school band.

And last trombone
sits next to the first tuba.

Just like it
says in the bible.

So here's how it works.

I walk on in there,

I sit down
next to the chick.

I pull out the trombone--
she likes the trombone.

I say "hi, I see
you play the tuba.

You're very beautiful."

Boom! She's mine.

- god, d.J.
- ladies are my toys.

Wind 'em up,
watch 'em go.

Attaboy!

Nice parenting, dad,

Giving your son
permission to manipulate
some poor little girl.

I can't believe he spent
half his inheritance
on a trombone.

Why? Sounds like a typical
conner family purchase to me.

Hey, dad, still got
the electric rake?

Hey, i've had just about
enough of you, Darlene!

Knock it off, all right?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?
I'll tell you wrong with me.

I'm sick and tired
of your sarcastic comments
about my house and my family.

Dad, i've been saying
this kind of stuff
since I could talk.

Before that,
I just pointed and laughed.

Well, gee, Darlene,
somehow it just isn't
funny anymore.

So why don't you
make some wry comment

About how we've all
lost our sense of humor
and be on your way?

( door closes )

( trombone bellowing )

What you watching?

Tv.

( chuckles )
black and white or color?

Okay.

What's wrong
with this family?

Your father and I
are really brothers.

No, i'm serious.
I mean...

A minute ago
he was jumping
down my throat,

And now he won't
even hardly talk to me.

You know, if he wants me
to stop making fun of him

Then he should stop
walking around this dump

With shaving cream
in his ears.

You're right, Darlene.

So sorry your father
and this house aren't
up to your standards.

I wish we could've
done better for you.

- i'm just saying--
- no, I know what
you're saying.

Everybody knows
what you're saying.

And you've been saying it
since you got here.

Oh. What, so now you're
gonna give me this crap too?

You know, I thought
I could come in here and talk
to you like a human being.

- you think
that's possible?
- arrf!

You know what?
Maybe I should just go
back to school.

Yeah, maybe you should.

Yeah, and maybe I shouldn't
come back until spring.

Great, more $
bills for me.

Good. I think her
spending a little less
time around this house

Wouldn't be the worst
thing in the world.

Kid's got to learn to have
some respect, Roseanne.

Taking her down a notch
was the right thing to do.

Yeah. Well, just stand
there and keep yapping, Dan.

Let me know if you
ever hit on anything.

- Roseanne: Darlene...
- oh, great.
More yelling.

No.
There isn't gonna be
any more yelling.

First of all,

I'm really glad that
you're going to school

And, you know,
getting an education

Like I never got
because I got all lost
in that love-and-peace crap

Of the ' s.

And then years later,
I realized

Should have listened
to all those women who said:

Learn how to support yourself
or you're gonna be screwed.

Well, mom, that is exactly
what i'm trying to do.

I know. So maybe
i'm a little jealous of you

Because of all the stuff
that I had to do

In order for you
to get there.

Like working really hard
in beauty salons,

Restaurants and factories

Is pretty
mind-numbing, you know?

Especially if you have
to stay hammered the whole time.

Tell me about it.
It's how I got through puberty.

But, the good part is...

That I was able
to give my kids
better than I had.

And you're gonna be
able to do amazing
things for your kids.

Every parent tries
to improve things
at least % for their kids.

And if they can do that,
then they're a total success.

( chuckles )
% is kind of

A conservative estimate.

Just by walking erect
I improved it .

But you know...

This college thing
is really hard for me too.

I mean, i'm surrounded
by all these rich kids

That don't have to
bust their ass

Because if they fail
their daddy's there
to bail 'em out.

Yeah, well, your daddy
can't bail you out.

My daddy couldn't
bail me out, you know?

But stuff like that,
it just ends up making
us stronger, Darlene.

I can't believe
you turned down
a great job like that!

Well, I told you,
I just want to finish
school, all right?

And besides,
it's in advertising.

I don't think I want
to devote the rest of my life

To coming up with the next
"i'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs."

( sighs )
okay, hold it.

I respect you for being
all anti-corporate

And burning the flag
and bla bla bla bla bla,

Because, you know, that's
the way I was in the ' s.

So i'm kind of glad
that some of my ideals
made it to my daughter.

But number two,
this is the ' s

And you can't pay your rent
with that kind of thinking.

And number three,
you are so out of your mind

If you think you're
ever gonna top anything

Like "i'm cuckoo
for cocoa puffs."

Okay.

But you're
all over the map here.

Do you respect my ideals
for turning down the job

Or do you think i'm stupid
for turning down the job?

Well, I really don't know
what I think, Darlene.

I mean, this is
new territory for us.

No conner's ever
turned down a job... Ever.

It's kinda like
the same reason

Drowning people don't
flip off the lifeguard.

I'm still a conner.

Yeah, but, man!
$ , !

I mean, the mayor
of Lanford himself

Doesn't even make that much
and he works two jobs.

It's like, if you can
make that kind of money

Then, you know...

You could be,
like, one of them.

Who's them?

Them! The ones
that ain't us.

So now when you come home
making fun of our family

And our house and everything,
it just sounds...

Pretty weird
to me and your dad.

You know, it's like
you're one of them

And you're
putting us down.

Oh. Got it.

So... What type of helper
will we be dining on tonight?

Well, we happen to be
out of helper tonight.

So i'll be
using rice krispies

And preparing the meat-
and-meat-byproduct dinner.

So, I had a little talk
with her and she's staying.

- you straighten her out?
- yeah.

Yeah, but you know, she's
not the only one that needs
to be straightened out.

- we've all got to
adjust to this.
- oh, i've got to adjust?

Yeah, you do, actually.

Hey, don't you
think it's cool
that one of our kids

Might actually make it?

Yeah, wow.

I mean, she still
needs us, Dan.

Or, at least she still
needs that bucks.

So why don't you go up there
and give it to her?

And that's supposed
to make me feel like

The big provider?

Little daughter
needs her big daddy?

- be right back.
- hey!

Hey. We did
a really good job

With this one,
didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

Man, it just looks like
the conner luck

Is starting to change.

Don't ask.

( theme music playing )

There's the little creep.

Look, he's polishing
his trap.

Now, Becky, we agreed

I'd talk to him.

What's going on?

D.J., it's come
to our attention

That you seem to think

That certain
material possessions

May help you succeed
in affairs of the heart.

That, dear d.J.,
is folly.

I don't understand.

She means you
don't buy a trombone

So you can hit on some poor
unsuspecting tuba girl!

Oh, that.
What's wrong with it?

Look, you little jerk,

If you have no more respect
for women than that

I'm gonna tie you
to the car--

Okay, Becky, Becky!
Becky! Becky!

Now, d.J., listen to me!

Listen.

First of all,

That-- that's just
not a right thing to do.

And second of all,
it's just not going to work.

Now, d.J., you-- you have--

You have put your
little heart on a shelf.

And it's going
to fall off.

It's going to break.

D.J., are we gonna
practice, or what?

I'll be in
in a minute, betsy.

If the music stops,
don't come in.