02x21 - Slide & Wet-judice Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

BEEF: How was everyone's day
at school?

JUDY: Amazing. Mr. Golovkin
wore a novelty T-shirt

that looked
like a doctor's lab coat.

- Oh, that's fun.
- [laughs] Oh, it was clinically fun.

Uh, paging Dr. Golovkin.
We have a fatal fart att*ck

- in the Earth Sciences room.
- [Judy laughs]

[Judy and Ham gasp]

- Dad, pull over. Now.
- What's happening?

Ham, did you get
your penis caught

in the seat belt clip again?

KIDS: Splash Crevasse.

A new indoor water park
in our beloved Alaska

through the miracle
of indoor slide technology?

Dad, if we don't go,

I'm suing for emancipation
from this family.

You know I have a lawyer.
Olivia Objections.

No need to call
Olivia Objections just yet.

A trip to a new
indoor water park sounds fun.

I can't see
why we couldn't go this weekend.

- Nope. We can't go.
- Beef, control your son, man!

I'm not trying to be a
Leonardo DiCrap-On-Your-Planzio,

but water parks are bad news.

Babe, I thought you'd be
all over an indoor water park.

And I understand
why you would think that.

I'm very fun-loving, I got a
nominally above-average bod,

and my eyes naturally have
a kind of a gross glaze on them,

which means
I never have to wear goggles.

But indoor water parks
get a big thumbs-down

- from this clown.
- Oh, Wolf.

- Are you still upset about...
- Yes, Father.

I am still upset
about a terrible curse

that hangs over me
like the gray fog of death,

haunting my days
and taunting my nights.

- Oh, boy. Here we go.
- Wait, what does the fog of death

- have to do with the new water park?
- JUDY: Well, we used to have one

in Lone Moose.
It's called Winter World now,

but it used to be known
as Waterworld

based on the movie Waterworld
until Kevin Costner

filed a very devastating lawsuit
against it.

Amazing movie,
even more amazing lawsuit.

Basically, one summer, every
time Wolf went to Waterworld,

he lost his swim trunks.

And turned Waterworld
into Wienerworld.

Smell you later, nerd-a-gators.

Oh, no!
My trunks!

Oh, no! My tr...

Oh, n... O... B...

Oh, no. My trunks.

Yeah, I was just a teen Wolf
when I realized

that water parks are cursed.

How is it we've never talked
about how you get to say,

"I was a teen Wolf"?
Babe, that rules.

I know, yeah. It fully rips.

Wolf, how can Splash Crevasse
be cursed? It's brand-new.

I believe all water parks are cursed.

I also lost my trunks
that time we stayed at the hotel

with the waterslide in Ketchikan
when we went looking for Mom.

Oh, yeah. We found her
behind that Wendy's.

Sleeping like a baby,

just absolutely covered
in Baconator wrappers.

Well, I'm sorry, Wolf,
but I'm going.

I saw on the news that Jason Patric

was gonna be there
signing autographs,

and I'm gonna bring a script
from Speed

and see if he'll read a scene
with me.

Okay, that's fine. You guys go.

- Me and Dad will hang out here and...
- Son, you know I don't enjoy leisure,

but I do very much enjoy
seeing my family happy.

Well, fine.
Then I'm gonna have fun, too.

But I'm not paying
good American money

to embarrass myself
at some trunk-sucking hellhole.

I'm going swimming
at, uh, nature's water park,

- Lone Moose Beach.
- Lone Moose Beach is just

a ten-square-foot patch of
rocks next to the oil refinery.

Isn't that where they found
the seal with the human nose?

No. And I'm gonna have more fun
at Lone Moose Beach

than you could ever have
at Splash Crev-sucks.

Well, I'd better go get ready.
Big day tomorrow.

But actually,
step one of me getting ready

is gonna be to sit back down
and finish my dinner,

because I'm gonna be swimming
so much tomorrow. Hoo!

BEEF: Splash Crevasse, here we come.

Are you guys sure you don't want
to eat some breakfast

before we get on the road?

And waste precious time

that could be spent splashing
and crevassing?

Hello. Yes, can you connect me
with my lawyer, Olivia Objections?

Moon, you cannot thr*aten
to have your imaginary lawyer

sue me
every time I say anything.

And just to revisit it,

asking you to empty
the dishwasher is not a felony.

Don't worry, Dad. They have
two separate snack bars.

Remember?
It was on the evening news.

I was surprised they dedicated
the entire hour

to covering the water park,
but I have to say,

it was very informative.

- Oh, great. Wolf's coming.
- Wolf is not coming.

Wolf is going.
To Lone Moose Beach.

Like he said.
Which will be way more fun.

And where no one
will see my wiener. Ow!

I'm fine. It's just a pebble
got in my flip-flop.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Houston, we have a beach.

Now, who needs Splash Crevasse

when I've got
nature's Splash Crev-this.

Selfie time.

Okay, I'll just crop
those garbage bags out.

And, uh,
send to family group text.

[exhales]
Nippy today.

But once the sun peeks out
from those clouds,

I'm sure it'll be nice and toasty.

[shivers]

Ooh, snack time, baby.
[chuckles]

Oh, wai... Aah.

Got the whole day ahead of me.
Sick.

ALL: Wow.

Okay, what does everyone
want to do first?

Call me Wave Pool-ier,

because I'm about to go, uh,
in the wave pool.

I'm a lazy river lad, myself.

And I'm hitting the DeathSlide.
I heard it's so scary

that most people
pee their swimsuits,

which adds more liquid,
which means you go even faster.

[chuckles]
Wonderful. And I guess

I will just sit at a picnic table.

- I love sitting.
- HONEYBEE: They're gone.

They didn't even hear you finish
saying the word "wonderful."

- Wonderful.
- Look, Beef. They have a mermaid show.

- Want to check that out later?
- [chuckles] No, thank you.

Like any sailor,
I know the dangers

of being lured in
by the siren's song.

Why don't I just go with you
to meet this, uh...

- celebrity fisherman?
- Jason Patric is an actor.

That is fine.

Maybe Dad was right and we
should have had breakfast.

- I'm really hungry.
- Ugh, same.

My mind says "lazy river,"

but my tummy says
"food me-giver."

Not me. I've been sentenced
to the DeathSlide,

and my last meal is speed.

So, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Mm, that we turn
into miserable monsters

when we're hungry,
so we should get nachos,

but that it doesn't make sense
for both of us to go,

so we should play
Bread, Cheese, Toothpick

- to see who goes to get the food?
- Exactly.

- Bread. Cheese. Toothpick.
- Bread. Cheese. Toothpick.

[laughs]
Toothpick spears cheese.

- Ugh, fine.
- Get a good look.

The next time you see me,
I'll be so relaxed from my

trip on the lazy river, you
probably won't recognize me.

I'll be all like, "Ah. Yeah."

Oh, it's only been
seven minutes?

Okay, skip this jazz.
I'm going home.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

When did this town get
so many friggin' pebbles?

Oh, look, my favorite shortcut.

I used to take this bad boy home
from Cheesecake's house

all the time in high school.

Now this is a waterslide, baby!

[whooping, shouts]

Oh. When did they add this grate?

Houston, we have a dang it!

No, no, no, no. This is bad.

You're trapped at the bottom
of a drainpipe,

and there's a grate
blocking your way through

that definitely
did not used to be there.

Uh, maybe there's
a latch somewhere?

[grunts]
Teenage mutant ninja turds!

If there is, I can't reach it.

Help, anybody! Even Londra.

Okay, Wolf, think...
WWHBD.

What would Honeybee do?
Oh, of course!

I'll climb out.
Great idea, Honeybee.

Simple, but elegant.

[grunts]
Oh, boy.

That is more slippery
than a watermelon

wearing Aveeno.
Uh, hmm...

Oh! Okay, well, if I just

gnaw my own arm off
like that one guy

in that one movie where
he gnaws his own arm off,

I might be skinny enough
to squeeze between these bars.

[grunting]

[sighs] Oh, my God!
This is taking forever.

And I don't even have
any arm sauce.

This is worse than the time
that I got stuck

inside the claw machine
at Duck Duck Golf.

And worse than the time
that I got stuck

in the claw machine
at Tippy Toppy Taqueria.

Here's your large nachos.
But we're out of cheese.

What?
Why would you sell me nachos

if you knew
you were out of cheese?

Uh, because we weren't out
of nachos, just out of cheese.

- [groans]
- There should be some

in the dispensers
at the north side snack bar.

JUDY: Uh...
do you have a plastic bag or

something I could put these in?
I don't want them to get wet.

Did you say something?

I said thank you for everything.
This is absolutely perfect.

Excuse me, do you know
how long the wait is from here?

If you have to ask,
you don't have what it takes.

Okay, but do you know?

Yeah, two hours. It says it
on that sign over there.

Why didn't you just
point to the sign?

I'm just going through a lot.

My grandparents are
getting divorced.

They were together for years.

Grandma thinks she's gonna
do better than Grandpa?

- Good luck, Mona.
- Two hours, huh?

Oh. Whoops.

Sorry. My bad.
[chuckles]

Oh, sorry, were you here first?

Okay, yeah, no problem.

Maybe I'll just...
Yeah, no, enjoy.

[laughs]
I'm happy to wait.

Have fun.
Oh, no, you go.

All right, will you help me
practice my lines?

I want to be off book
when we get

to the front and meet JP.

[singer vocalizing over P.A.]

WOMAN: [over P.A.] Seating for
the mermaid show is now open.

- [vocalizing]
- Oh, no, the mermaids.

They call me. I must go.

- Nay, I mustn't!
- Are you okay?

Oh, how those dampen damsels
lure me to my ruin.

Tie me to that cement pillar,
like Ulysses

had his sailors tie him
to the mast of their ship

as they approached the sirens.

- What?
- Do you have any wax with which

to plug your ears
lest you be ensorcelled?

No, I don't have any
ear wax. And where am I

gonna to get rope to tie
you to that big-ass pole?

You know I always bring
a large coil

of rope wherever I go
in case I suddenly

find myself in need
of a large coil of rope.

Right, mm-hmm, okay.

Hi, would you watch my spot?

I just have to tie
my father-in-law

to that cement pole over
there so that he doesn't

accidentally see the mermaid
show like they did in Ulysses.

Sure.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.

[gasps] Dad? Guys?
Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

You were right,
Lone Moose Beach was

a huge mistake. You guys want

to form a human chain
and come get me?

- Guys?
- [hissing]

Dad, why are you hissing
like that? Wait.

Hey. You're not my family.

You're marmots.

[sighs] You guys want to form
a marmot chain and come get me?

Okay, Judy, you've studied
this water maze long enough.

If you want these chips cheesy,
it just ain't gonna be easy.

My God, I just sounded cool.

[laughs]
Okay, just pretend the chips

are your first
major art installation,

and it's a fragile oeuvre
of tremendous purity,

and the water park is
the coffee shop, of course,

that has agreed to hang
your work on its walls

for nine days.
That's over a week, Judy.

Over a week. Let's go!

Stay away
from my fragile oeuvre.

This Lucite basketball
rejects your value system.

Ham, you should've seen me.

[groans]
Forget it, keep your tubes.

I didn't even want
to have a really fun time

- in the lazy river anyway.
- [gasps] Ham, no!

Why'd you knock
those out of my hands?

Why'd you sneak up behind me?

Well, I'm glad
the nachos at least

got a chance
to ride the lazy river.

JUDY:
Oh, great, and that guy

- is enjoying one.
- [sighs] Sorry I snapped.

I'm just so hungry. And this
lazy river was a lazy failure.

I'll go get us
some more nachos, okay?

- Make it up to you?
- I'd like to see you try.

Sorry. I meant that, I would
really like to see you try.

Because I'm very hungry
and very cranky.

Maybe I'll go over
to the wave pool

and let the gentle lapping
of the water calm me down.

Or maybe I'll just k*ll someone!

[laughs]
We'll see what happens today.

Get it together, Wolf.

You are not gonna bite
the friggin' big one

in this frang-dang drainpipe.

Okay, think.
WWDD... what would Dad do?

Well that's easy.
He would just B-A-T-C-O-R.

Bring a thick coil of rope.

[sighs] I don't have one,
but maybe I can make one.

[grunts]

[whooping]

Oh, way to go, Dad.

Hey. Uh-uh.
Get off of my rope, marmot.

Just gonna shake him off.

Oh, god, I don't want
to get a marmot bite.

I'm too young to die
of marmot rabies... aah!

[grunts]
Houston, we have a broken rope.

And a very sore bottom
as well, Houston.

Dang it!
Now the marmots have my shirt.

You're not allowed
to wear that, stupid marmots!

Take this.
[grunting]

Okay, Wolf,
you've tried everything

Honeybee and Dad would do.

You're on your own.
No helpie but your selfie.

[gasps] Selfie.
Houston, we have an idea.

I can use
my phone camera to look

for the latch on the gate again.

Oh, God, Houston, we only have
one percent battery.

Got to start charging
my phone at night, Houston.

Aha! There is a latch.

Now if I can just get
the selfie stick

underneath the...

Houston, we have a bingo.

Bye, marmots.
Sorry I called you guys cusses.

I was just hecka stressed.

Okay, family, here I co...
Ow. Ow. Freakin' pebbles.

Okay, big guy,
here's your nachos.

But, I got to warn you, champ,
they're really just

dry tortilla chips
because we ran out of cheese.

Fun nicknames.
Like "big guy."

Love "champ." But... wait.
You're also out of cheese?

Yeah, but don't worry.

I think they just got
some more cheese

back at the south side
snack bar, boss.

Okay, thank you, Santa... Claus.

Sorry, I'm not as good
as you at nicknames.

Oh, hell no.

I'm okay.
[gasping]

I actually love thi...

What a wonderful...
time I'm having. [gasps]

[groans]
The hell with this.

What are you doing?
Are you nuts?

Are you nuts?

I'll be in ninth grade
by the time

I get to the front of this line.

But everyone's peeing
in the water out of fear.

Which only makes it faster.

- Hey, how was the wave pool?
- Bad. It was bad.

Somebody either kicked me
or bit me in the head.

And when I got out,
I had a swim diaper on my foot.

Wait, are those the nachos?

Why are they dry, Ham?

- Oh, man, why are they dry?!
- Well, about that...

Why not just plop a large cup
of sand in front of me,

- you nasty freak!
- This place sucks.

Maybe Wolf was right
about that curse.

Oh, Wolf was definitely right.

They should call this place
Splashed Cursed-vasse.

And I know that's not
good wordplay. I know it.

Uh, are you just eating
dry tortilla chips?

They're out of nacho cheese.

Apparently they might have some
at the south side snack bar.

Oh, goo... I want to burn
this place to the ground so bad,

but it would just be
logistically very hard

to set a water park on fire.
[groans]

So now we have to carry
these dry chips

across the entire water park

- without getting them wet again?
- "Again"? [scoffs]

You should've come to me
in the first place.

This is obviously a job best suited

- for my particular skill set.
- Your particular skill set?

Judy, please, just let me work.

Aah, it's happening! Beep, beep!

I'm pulling off
for Jason Patric station.

- Bye, Beef. Stay strong.
- [mermaid show music playing]

[grunts] Have fun.
And don't worry about me.

I'm fine. I shall resist
those temptresses.

I've got to get to Splash Crevasse.
My family needs me.

Oh, why, oh, why won't anyone
pick me up?

I'm an absolute sweetie.

Cheese retrieved
and returning to home base.

Out of my way! Number one
nacho boy coming through!

Hey. Careful. I'm loaded down
with precious cargo here.

What's going on?

The teen who guards
the top of the DeathSlide

making sure everyone
waits the two minutes

between sliders to go
down has fallen asleep.

It's The Purge, but
for going down the waterslide

- as much as you want.
- Yes. All right, boys, it's time to fly.

Oh, no. It's happening.

A siren approaches.

I must dance with these mermaids.

Enchantresses,
I have received your invitation.

I am RSVPing yes.

[screaming]

Come on, come on.

Yes, I got one! Sick.

Thank you so much,
I was starting to worry

that nobody was ever
gonna stop for me.

I mean, I know I look
a little rough around the edges,

and you're probably thinking,
"Check, please."

But, trust me, you just won
the hitchhiker lottery.

- Hi, I'm Wolf.
- Name's Neckbone.

Oh. Wow. Beautiful name.

- You want some of this coffee?
- Oh, no thank you.

I had three Mountain Dew
Code Reds at the beach.

And two regular Mountain Dews
and a chocolate milk.

Well, what brings you to
the side of the highway, Wolf?

Long story short, Neckbone,
I was so worried

my swim trunks were
gonna fall off,

because of how
all water parks are cursed,

that I got trapped in a sewer

and tried to chew
my own arm off.

But I didn't have any arm sauce,

so now I got to get
to Splash Crevasse

to find my family,
who are not marmots.

- Tale as old as time.
- So what do you haul?

I'll give ya a clue.
My legal name's Neckbone,

but my road handle
is Skull Digger.

Both beautiful.
Let me guess... you haul...

uh... necklaces.
No, no, no, no!

- Uh, Christmas-themed necklaces.
- Heh, close. Skeletons.

You know those ones
they have in science classes

and what have you?
Well, I pick 'em up

when they still got
all the gunk on 'em.

Now, when you say "gunk," do
you mean flesh and human tissue?

Yeah, the "gunk."
I take 'em up to my buddy

whose got some acid vats
and we, you know,

we kind of clean 'em up, you
know, so the kids can learn.

Oh, wow. Houston,
we have a ride

and a great new friend.

So you didn't go to the
water park with your family

because of a curse?

Well, I mean,
if your swim trunks fell off

every time you
went to the water park,

what would you call that,
if not a curse?

Oh, that's a curse for sure.

Big time. And I would know.

I was cursed for a few years.
It seemed, like,

you know, my house
would burn down every time

I left a candle burning indoors

when I went out of town
for the weekend.

Well, that seems
a little different.

Well, h-how do you figure?

Well, that just seems like
you faced a consequence...

your house burning down...
for a bad choice you made...

leaving a candle burning indoors

when you went out of town
for the weekend.

- That's not a curse.
- Hey, hey,

that's a new way
of looking at it, now go on.

I mean, if my swim trunks
kept falling off

as a direct consequence
of a bad choice I made,

we'd be having a very different
conversa... tion.

Don't go head first,
your trunks will slide off.

Smell ya later, nerd-a-gators.

New Kids on the Crap!
My trunks!

Hey, get out of there.
We're doing surf night,

and the waves are turned way up.

- It'll rip your suit clean off.
- Relax.

I know what I'm doing.
[grunts]

Oh, no! My trunks!

Cool shirt. Does it say

- "Pants Me, I Dare You"?
- Yeah.

- Oh, no. My trunks.
- [laughter]

Aw, man,
water parks aren't cursed.

I'm just a ding-dang dumb-dumb,

who's constantly
ignoring fair warnings,

jumping into things headfirst,

and making bad T-shirt choices.
[gasps]

Even today, when I got stuck
in the drainpipe

under the road, I remember
there was some kind of sign

that said "warning" on it...
a literal warning sign...

and I ignored it.
[sighs]

I should probably change
my name to Goof Tobin.

It's only two letters different,
so hopefully

- it won't be very expensive.
- Hey.

Don't be so hard
on yourself, Wolfie.

Do you know how many skeletons
my buddy and I had

to just throw in the lake
because we couldn't get

the last bit of gunk off 'em?

But eventually we figured out
we got to mix a little bit

of sulfuric acid in
with the hydrofluoric acid.

And we haven't thrown
a skeleton in the lake in years.

Because we learned
from our mistakes.

Thanks, Neckbone.
That's very inspirational.

I know. Now, let's get you
to your family, okay?

Here he come!

Flush me to hell!

[shouting]

[whooping]

- Ah...
- JUDY: Hello, Moon.

Oh. Hey, guys.

Do tell, did you manage
to use your particular

skill set to find any
cheese for the nachos?

Yes.

Well, you better call
your make-believe lawyer,

Olivia Objections,
and tell her to meet you

at the fantasy courthouse,
because I'm about

to get real litigious.

[groans] Come on, let's
go find Dad and Honeybee

and tear out of this wet fart.

Honeybee, we have to go.
Where's Dad?

Your father is lashed
to a cement pole,

but we can't leave
before I meet...

Who the hell is that idiot?

- You're not Jason Patric.
- No, sorry. I'm Greg Dorp.

I'm just sitting here to let
people know that Jason Patric

had to cancel.
He got a job in Atlanta,

filming a Nescafé commercial,

exclusively
for the Greek Islands market.

Why didn't you make
an announcement to everyone?

Why are you telling people
one on one?

I'm also a grief counselor.
This is just how I do things.

Wolf was right...
this place is cursed.

Now let's get your dad
and get the hell out of here.

- MOON: Uh-oh.
- [gasps] Where did he go?

[groans] Follow me.

♪ She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes... ♪

The show is... not good.

They just keep singing
"Comin' Round the Mountain,"

and the one in the back
keeps arguing

with someone on her cell phone.

And still,
I would give them my boat,

and my life, if they asked.

- Nope, time to go, Dad.
- No!

No. Leave me here!

Let me crash upon these shores.

WOLF:
Thanks for the ride, Neckbone.

And thank you for helping
me to realize it's my

own bad choices that are always
getting me into trouble.

I let my fear
of a dumb curse keep me

from a day of fun
with my family.

- And that was the real curse.
- Well, good luck out there, Wolf.

For a bunch of gunk on a
skeleton, you're a pretty nice guy.

ALL: Wolf?!

Family! Boy, am I happy
to see you guys.

Babe, are you okay?
What happened to you?

[chuckles]
It's a long story.

And we can't wait to hear
all about it on the ride home,

but let's get out of here.

You were right, Wolf,
this place is cursed.

No, but that's the thing,

I realized today the water
park isn't cursed at all.

The reason everyone
kept seeing my wiener

is because
of my own poor choices,

not dumb luck
or fate, or a curse, or...

- Oh. Oh, no!
- [all gasp] Oh, no!

...my trunks.

I never thought I'd say this,

but windows down
and middle fingers up.

And I mean everybody.

Aye-aye, Houston.

MERMAIDS: ♪ She'll be ♪

♪ Comin' round the mountain ♪

♪ When she comes. ♪

[gasps]
I hear you, my enchantresses.

I am on my way.

ANNOUNCER:
Grounded? Privileges revoked?

Have you been sent to your room
without dessert?

If this has happened
to you, then call...

♪ Olivia Objections. ♪

Olivia Objections
got me an extra minutes

- of screen time per day.
- ♪ Olivia Objections. ♪

Olivia Objections got me
two treats in every lunch box

and a king-size Snickers

at the end of the semester
if my history grade improves.

- ♪ Olivia Objections. ♪
- ANNOUNCER: Steal your mom's phone

out of her purse and text
"Objections" to any number now.

Olivia Objections got me
$ . million.

- ♪ Olivia Objections. ♪
- ANNOUNCER: Olivia Objections

does not exist and is not
a real lawyer. Please consult

your doctor if you believe you
have retained Olivia Objections.