08x16 - Construction Junction

[bunniefuu]

( harmonica wails )

Hi, can I borrow
some sugar?

No, I only have
and a half bags left.

Well, we can't
stay long anyway

'cause we're off
to see the...

P-e-d-I-a...

"atrician."

Why are you going
to the foot doctor?

We're gonna have a little talk
about andy's verbal skills.

Oh, why?
Is he still tankin'
all his job interviews?

I'm just worried
about the way he's
saying his words.

Like, he won't say
"triangle."

He says "tri-an-gle."

Or "hel-lo."

Pauly shore makes millions
of dollars saying that.

So they're just gonna
run some tests,

Check his palette,
make sure his hearing's
all right.

I'm gonna borrow your book
on child development, okay?

Yeah, but it's
really old.

You probably should
ignore that chapter on
the heartbreak of polio.

Hi, andy.

What you got here?
This is cool.

Let me push
this thing.

Toy:
hel-lo.

Can you find
the tri-an-gle?

Jackie!

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

A toast, my dear,

To my
six-months'-scheduled

Cost-of-living-
¢-an-hour pay increase.

Ding.

The joke's on them
'cause your cost of living

Only went up
¢ an hour.

You proud of me?

What a man, what a man,
what a mighty good man.

( knock on door )

- hey, Dan.
- Chuck, bob.

What are youse
guys up to?

Um, you know.

Nothin'.

I guess we'll
see you later.

We kind of wanted to talk
to Dan about something,

- Rosie.
- yeah.

It's kind
of a guy thing.

Oh, really?

Oh, no wonder i'm starting
to feel all shy and giggly.

Uh, Dan?
Have you heard about
the minimum-security prison

They're building
outside of town?

They're building
a prison in Lanford?

No wonder
the beauty parlor's
been so crowded lately.

Um, well, they're--
they're spending millions
on this thing.

And we were wondering
if maybe

You'd be interested in getting
the old crew together

And putting a bid in
on the drywalling?

Look, I know you got it
good at the garage,

But this'd be
a chance to make a pretty
good chunk of dough.

( sighs )

Look, guys, I appreciate
you thinking of me,

But i'm pretty happy
where I am.

And he's not kidding.

That couch under him
has hardly even faded.

Are you sure, Dan?

I mean,
it's gonna be a bundle.

- everyone in this town's
gonna get rich.
- really?

Great, that gives us
an excuse to leave.

- look, guys, i'm sorry.
- hey, man, it's all right.
It's all right.

Yeah, maybe i'll apply
to be a guard.

Picture me as a guard?

I can picture you
as a hostage.

Well, if you change
your mind, let us know, okay?

- come on, bob.
- yeah, okay.

Boy, you know,
I always wondered what that
canadian beer tastes like.

- really?
- yeah.

It's really good.

Thanks.

One less thing
to wonder about.

( foreign accent )
now, my dear...

I believe we
were celebrating.

What shall it be first,
the sex or the v*olence?

If you're any good
at the sex, I won't need
to use the v*olence.

He's almost got
our new computer
all hooked up.

I'm gonna learn how
to do the bookkeeping
for the diner on that.

Somehow.
( laughs )

And you're gonna have fun
on that too, honey.

You're not gonna need
that old thing anymore,

'cause that magic box
sings and talks

And plays music.

It's kind of like grandma
after her second manhattan.

Okay, i've got you
all set up here.

All right, just show me
the instruction pamphlet
and away I go.

Dear god,
what have I done?

It's not that hard.
You can do this.

Don't be frightened.

- oh.
- come here, little man.

Now, are--

Aren't these supposed
to give out some sort
of a death ray?

Not unless you press
"control-alt-death ray."

Take it back.

It's not that hard.

Here's that
a-b-c software I was
telling you about.

- ( beeps )
- and this one here will teach
little andy how to count.

Is that big bird?

That's him.

Well that--
well, okay.

This can't be
that bad, huh?

I also set you up
at america online.

Just click click
and you're on the internet.

( modem dialing )

( clicking,
buzzing )

( giggling )

You can get news,
you can talk to people,
it's really cool.

Hey, can this thing
play pong?

Okay, uh...

I gotta get going
to work,

So have fun and if
you have any problems,
just give me a call.

A.O.L. Voice:
welcome.

You've got mail.

Hello?

Dan:
gee! D'oh!

Who put that there--?

( crashes )
oh!

Who put that there?

Why don't you just
turn on the light?

I didn't want
to wake you.

It's this whole prison
drywall thing.

I can't get it
out of my mind.

Am I crazy, Roseanne?

Should I go for it?

Yes.

You gave that
no thought at all.

Now should I do it?

No.

Roseanne!

Do you think we could
talk about this later, Dan?

Come on now, you're ruining
our quality time together.

I'm serious, honey.

Well, you already
told 'em no.

What happened to the
i've-got-a-great-job-
at-the-garage thing?

Is-- is it such
a great job?

Well yeah, I mean it's
the first steady money
we've ever had coming in.

Except for that coupon scam
we ran in the ' s.

( knock at door )

What?

Just a reminder.

My bedroom's
right above yours.

Well yeah,
sorry we woke you.

But now that you're up,
go mow the lawn.

Now let's just look
at the pros and cons.

Now it's true,
the garage is steady.

And even if I got
this prison job,

That doesn't mean
there's another job
around the corner.

So work slow.

But the garage
is boring.

It fries my mind.
I come home every night,
i'm like a zombie.

Yeah, not like when you
were doing the drywall

And you came home
and you'd put on all
those puppet shows.

You'd wear those
straw hats and strum
that ukulele.

- ( pounds )
- what?

Yes, we know.
Your bedroom is
beneath ours.

No, not that.
I was getting
something to drink

And the word
ukulele caught my ear.

I love the ukulele.
Do you have a ukulele?

Night.

Night.

Good night.

Now i'll lose all
my city benefits if I quit.

But i'd be making
twice as much money

Working for the prison.

But it's a gamble,
and should we be gambling

With a new baby?

Yeah, Dan,
you know...

When conners gamble,
conners lose.

Of course,

There was that time
at the state fair

Where you made
that frog land
on that lily pad.

No.

Plus we got the diner.
We got two mortgages.

Yeah, and the diner
needs new wallpaper

And appliances

And some of them
golden arches.

Okay, well,
it's settled.
That's it.

I'm sticking
where I am.

Hallelujah.

Hey, Dan?

Yeah?

Since you woke me up,
I just want you to know

That i'm gonna have
some trouble getting
back to sleep.

So?

So that means
you are too.

I knew that.

- Dan?
- yeah.

Just checking.

My name is mommy
and I will be your
waitress tonight.

We have specials
on the menu

Including tender
sweet peas,

Turkey in
its own broth,

And peaches.

I know these are good
'cause me and your dad

Make peach daiquiris
out of them.

How long have I
been a waitress?

Well, not very long.

And i'm just doing it

Till an acting job
opens up.

And your dad fixes
trucks for the city

And he's only
doing that

Till another one
breaks.

The best thing
about your dad's job
is that it's secure.

You know?

Because the last
big risk we took

Was having you and that
was a very big risk,

But that's just the kind
of people we are.

Or were.

I know what
you're thinking.

You're thinking,
"well, since you took
such a big risk with me...

And that turned out
so good,

How come you're
playing it safe now?"

Quit grilling me.

Because,

See,

Risks are
for younger people,

Not us.

See, when you get to be
me and your dad's age,

You want to know that
you can do the same thing
over and over again,

You know, till you die.

Okay, so let's just
hypothetically say

That your dad does take
this job at the prison, right?

And what about
when that job's over?

Then what is
he gonna do?

'course, the way this
country's going now,

I think they're always
gonna be building new prisons.

Yeah, 'cause, you know,

The way people hardly have
to pay for what they do at all,

It kind of makes crime
look like a really good thing
to get into.

So a lot more people are
gonna be doing it, you know?

And just by the sheer odds,
a lot more of them are
gonna get caught.

So I think they're gonna be
building a lot of prisons, man.

I think those things are
gonna start going up faster
than starbucks.

Yeah, and then, like,
the people in these prisons

You know, they're gonna
need to eat.

So me and Jackie,
maybe we get in
on the ground floor

- with some catering kind
of business, you know?
- ( door closes )

And pretty soon convicts
from all over the world

Will be coming
to eat loose meat
in Lanford, Illinois.

Dan?

That's it. You're quitting
that boring job at the city,

And you're gonna apply
for that construction bid.

Whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa. What?

No, i've really been
thinking about this

For, you know,
the last couple of minutes,

And this is a big
opportunity here

And I think
we should take it.

Roseanne, is this
your way of telling me that
you drank all my beer?

No, I was just
sitting here,

And I was talking
to the baby and--

Okay, this sounds
pretty grounded
already.

No, Dan,
he made me realize

That the thing that was
always so great about us

Is that we always
took a chance, you know?

And this is a chance.

Honey, you're
going awful fast here.
Slow down a minute.

You know
you want to do this.

Let's take the risk.

Look at him, Dan.

He is just
the greatest success

We have ever had.

Something's in the air.

I mean, look it,
Darlene gets offered all
these really great jobs

And becky's applying
to colleges

And everything's
changing, Dan.
It's like

We're on some huge
cosmic roll now.

I guess.

Maybe we should go for it.
All right, let's go for it.

Yeah!

All right, here.
Take over.

'cause this is my last day
as a city employee's wife,

So, fedco, here I come.

Just brought over some more
software for andy.

Hey, you're on
the internet.

Looks like you really got
the hang of that thing, huh?

I've just been
playing around
with it a little bit.

I brought over
"treasure math storm."

It's a little old,
but let me put it in.

No, David!
David,

I'm just
right in the middle
of something here.

Sorry.

Jackie, aren't those
the same clothes
you had on yesterday?

I don't know, maybe.
Clothes are clothes.
What's your point?

Are you all right?

God, have you even
left this thing since
I last saw you?

David, i'm fine.
I'm sorry, i'm just
a little distracted.

So how's school?

I graduated last spring.
You were there.

Good good, so you got
finals coming up then?

Jackie, are you
even listening to me?

I'm fine.

Oh my god,
you haven't left this thing.

You're addicted
to the internet.

- no, i'm not.
- yes, you are.

I've seen this before.
I lost two friends to this.

They were weak.
They were weak,
I am strong.

- where's andy?
- he's fine.

He's in his room with his toys.
I've got him on the monitor.

Okay, Jackie.
I think it's time to
turn off the computer--

No no, not now, David.
I'm learning useful things.

I'm growing as a person.

You're in the "urkel"
chat room.

What?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna unplug you,
Jackie.

David, get away
from that right now...

This is for
your own good, Jackie.

Wait a second, dav--
oh god!

You can't treat me
like this!

Plug me back in.

I'll quit tomorrow,
I promise.

Don't take it
from me now, man!

I need it.
Just five more minutes.

I hate you!

Jackie,
look at yourself.

( moans )

What time is it?

Okay, um,
come on.

Let's go in the kitchen.
I'll fix us both
some tea, okay?

- okay.
- come on.

( moans )

- she's here.
- she's here.

- did you get it?
- we don't know.

We were waiting
till you got here
to open the envelope.

You'd better
have got it,

'cause I had to sleep
with the architect
and the warden.

Long wait's over,
boys.

Rejection or selection,
this is it.

Wow. I've never
gotten anything in
a big brown envelope

That I could open
in front of other people.

I'm-- i'm sort of
afraid to open it.

So?
Who's gonna do it?

People say
luck is a lady.

So you want me to go
find you a lady?

Come on,
Roseanne!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah, all right.

- oh jeez.
- what what what what?

I can't get that song,
"afternoon delight"
out of my head.

Roseanne!

You got it.

This will get me
out of debt

And I can take that
vacation to the bahamas.

Oh man, this is
a big-screen tv, a new truck,
a pair of cowboy boots.

I'll take the rest
on a gift certificate.

Dan, we hit it so big,
I can't believe it.

We're gonna be able
to pay off the house
and the cars.

And you know what we're
gonna end up with, Dan?

A crappy house
and two crappy cars.

Well, I guess my reputation
in the construction industry

Is still top-notch.

I hate to blow
my own horn.

Oh come on, honey,
for me, please.

Woooo!

Thanks for standing
behind me on this one,
honey.

Yeah well, I was back there
making faces anyway.

"please be available
to get together,
blah blah blah...

Complete list
of employees,
blah blah blah...

Please inform us of
any ownership changes

As this decision
is partially based

On your
minority-owned status."

I don't get it.

( cackles )

I do.

Hold it.
Hold it.

We got this job
because you're black.

Well, I mean, god,
does that mean

That we're not
the best men for the job?

No, bob, we're the best.

And we know we're
the best and we got
the stuff to back it up.

We just got a break.

And damn, it's good
to finally get one.

I've been working
so many years, man,

And watching
other guys somehow
get all the breaks.

Well, now I got one
and I earned it.

We all earned it.

Nice going, partner.

Couldn't have done it
without you.

Well actually,
I guess I could have.

I'm gonna call up
my old lady.

Yeah. And i'm
gonna call...

No, i'm gonna get one
of them canadian beers.

Well, honey, guess what
i'm getting you
for valentine's day?

You know what they say,
a gal can never have
too many cans

Of -in- oil.

I'm gonna give you
some of that prison money

- to fix up the diner.
- thank you.

We're really gonna do good
with this money too, Dan.

We're gonna really
really do good

'cause I figured out how
rich people stay rich.

- how's that?
- lottery tickets.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )