09x01 - Call Waiting

[bunniefuu]

Look, I am sick and tired of
being treated like an invalid.

You're just going
to do it, aren't you?

You're just gonna go right ahead and
harden an artery right here in my kitchen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Let's back up here.

You're calling me fat?

Yeah, I'm calling you fat.

Well, if that ain't the big fat
pot calling the kettle black.

You better not
be calling me fat.

Well, that's what I'm doing.

Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!

Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!
Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Oh, that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

You poor thing! Dan in
one house, you in another.

You must be feeling so lost!

There, there,
dear. It's all right.

No, it isn't.

Your knock-off
georgio's is making me gag.

I'll pay you no mind, dear.

You're just dehydrated.

I didn't invite her.

I left the window
open. She just flew in.

What are you gonna do?

Roseanne, it's been days.

Dan has called here
every minutes.

It's so weird.

It's as if I've lost my
will to manipulate him.

Well, next time he calls,

You pick up and let
him do all the talking.

Just listen.

My marriage is not
based on me listening.

You know, now
that jackie is alone

And you and dan are estranged,

The three of us
should live together

Like the ladies in
sense and sensibility.

Me and my spinster daughters.

You know, mom, lizzie
borden was a spinster.

Hey, hey!

It's not a coaster.

It's a lottery ticket.

Oh, really?

Well, it's nice that
you can still dream

Since reality's been so unkind.

Well, it's more
roseanne's ticket.

And it's worth about a
hundred million bucks.

That's a lot of extra toppings.

Well, if you ask me, the
lottery is just a scam.

Well, yeah, maybe for all
those suckers out there,

But, hey, I've devised a system

When dan was in the hospital.

Ok. I picked the number

For the number of times
I had to salt my food.

And for the number
of parking tickets I got

For parking in the
ambulance zone.

And then for the number
of planets in our solar system.

And then the old, tired
numbers that jackie had to pick.

Roseanne, , ,
is a classic run.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, everybody.

The children.

I brought you a
change of clothes.

I also brought you some
lighter fluid and matches

So you could burn the
ones you're wearing.

Mrs. Conner,
mr. Conner really wishes

He could take back
everything he said.

Yeah, well, I wish I could take
back shoes after I've worn 'em.

Look, mom, whatever
you're going through here,

You can easily go
through at home.

All she has to do
is apologize to dan.

Apologize to dan!

Dan should apologize to her.

Well, let's not get into blame.

This whole thing was just
one big misunderstanding.

David, we don't need the
touchy-feely right now.

Ok, I really appreciate you all
coming over here to comfort me,

But now that it hasn't worked,

Could you leave?

Well, in that case, happy
meals for everyone!

My treat!

I love happy meals.

Come on, then. I'll strap
you in your car seat

And we can count little
red trucks on the way over.

I'll pick up the kids
on the way home.

You want me to bring
you back anything?

Well, yeah.

Bring me back one of
everything so I can pick.

Oh, cool.

Tv: [knock on door]

Hi, honey. How was
your day today?

But before you tell
me, where's my kiss?

Donald hollinger,
you are minutes late.

You only get one kiss.

You may change your
mind after you see this.

Ooh, champagne, and it's french.

Ooh, la la.

Yes, sirree. Only the
best. This is a special night.

I have a big surprise for you.

Anne, will you marry me?

Oh, but, donald,

I... I...

Of course you will.

Now let's open that champagne.

But, donald, there's
so much to think about.

So much to talk about. I'm
just getting my career going.

But don't you want your next
role to be mrs. Donald hollinger?

We'll move to a small
town, have a few kids.

Every halloween, we'll
throw a big weird party.

But I can't marry you.

I'm television's first feminist.

Well, television's first
pretty feminist that is.

I can't cop out and marry you

Just because the network can't
handle a single career woman.

Well, I don't understand.
We've talked about this.

Remember that time at the lake?

[Doorbell rings]

[Knock knock]

Come in.

Dan sent us over with a message.

Well, I'm screening my messages

So you'll have to stand
there until you hear the beep.

What are you doing?

I'm making a film of our
dysfunctional family life.

You look terrible,
mom. That's great.

I bought d.j. A -pack
of tapes at target

So he made me a producer.

Spell "producer," mark.

Mark, I'm losing light. Give
her the message from dad.

Mr. Conner knows that you're
not ready to go home yet.

So he'd like to meet you
on neutered territory.

Neutral territory.

All right, anyway,
dan's really hurting,

And he really wants you back.

Oh, let me translate
that for you, mark.

That means he can't
find the towels,

And he's eating
directly out of the cans.

I guess that's a wrap.

D.j.

How's your dad
holding up, anyway?

Terrible.

Worse than me?

I'm not sure. Does he
usually cry when he vacuums?

[Theme music]

Oh, master, what is the
point of dusting your house

If you are never here?

I have the most boring
life in all of cocoa beach.

Jeannie!

Jeannie, for your information,

Major healy and I
were orbiting the moon.

Why do you always
have to go, master?

Can they not ever
send the monkey?

Jeannie, I command
you to send me back.

Not without me.

Nasa certainly doesn't need
your help, and neither do i.

Oh, you do not need
my help, master?

Who do you think it is

That takes the tang stains
out of your space suit?

I'm going back to the moon.

And stop always
trying to control me.

I do not try to
control you, master.

What do you call this?

Oh, all right. Maybe I
am a little controlling,

But it is only
because I miss you.

Hey, I've got an idea.

As soon as I get
back from the moon,

We'll go someplace
really romantic.

I have a better idea, master.

Jeannie!

So, master, you would
not really rather be

With major healey
now, would you?

What? I can't hear you.

I said you would
not really rather be

With major healey
now, would you, master?

Well, I guess the moon can wait.

[Telephone rings]

Answering machine: hi,
it's jackie. If this is dan,

Please don't leave a real
long message this time.

I have a life, too.

[Beep]

Dan: roseanne, I don't
know what you're doing

Or what's going on

Or why you can't talk to me.

I'm all out of answers

So I'm just going
to stop calling. Bye.

[Beep beep]

Great. Here comes the telegrams.

God, this is all so strange.

Your mom's not here,
your dad's not talking,

And everything's
either gone or busted.

Yeah, a treasure trove
of american folk art

Destroyed in one afternoon.

Dammit. I can't
take this anymore.

Somebody has to talk your dad.

I'm going in.

Wow! Check out the
new forceful attitude.

Don't bring it home with you.

Hey, mr. Conner.

Hey, david.

Got the disposal
fixed there, huh?

That must give you a
great sense of satisfaction.

Well, it doesn't quite put
the bounce in your step

That cleaning the gutters
does, but it ain't bad.

Listen, mr. Conner. This thing
with you and mrs. Conner...

Um, I know it must be awful.

I mean I find in my marriage

That the highs are... Are great.

Soaring... Highs.

And... And the lows...

Uh, suck.

I mean, uh, my wife and I
have been through hell's fire,

And I am here to tell you...

David, you've been
married days.

Yeah...

But to darlene.

Point and match.

So, if there is, uh,
anything we can do for you,

Anything, we're here for you.

We're here for you, dad.

David, what did I tell you
about climbing on dad?

Sorry.

You want a diet soda?

Sure.

So, did you hear from mom yet?

Darlene, I don't want you
kids worrying about this,

What with the
baby coming and all.

Your mom and I
will work this out.

Oh, I know you will.

I mean, what are
your options here?

No point in getting divorced

'Cause there's nothing
of value to divide.

God knows there's no one else
out there for either one of you.

Face it. You guys are
stuck with each other.

[Telephone rings]

I'll get that.

Hello.

Yeah, hold on. Just a second.

David, it's for you.

Oh, no, mr. Conner, I'm sorry.

That should've been for you.

We'll get you through this, son.

Now take the phonie.

[Whistles]

Sucks.

Sucks.

Sucks.

m.a.s.h.!

m.a.s.h.

m.a.s.h.

Mr. Grant on tv: not
now, ted, I'm busy.

Mary, you wanted to talk to me?

My office. You got minutes.

Make it snappy. I got a meeting
with the station manager.

Mr. Grant, I have known
you for a long time.

And i, uh...

Need a drink.
Fine. I'll join you.

That's exactly what I
want to talk to you about.

Now, I know you're not
gonna want to hear this.

Mary, I assure you.

I'm always willing to listen
to anything you have to say.

Mine is an open door policy.

So let me know anytime
you want to talk.

Well...

Thank you, mr. Grant.

Thanks for stopping by.

Ho ho ho... Mr. Grant!

Sometimes you just
make me so... Mad!

All right, mary, what do
you want to talk about?

You are ruining your
health, mr. Grant.

I mean, potato chips... Booze...

Doughnuts, mr. Grant.

-Pack of beer, mr. Grant.

Pickled pig's feet, mr. Grant?

Mary, that's a
well-balanced meal.

If you don't start
eating healthy,

I'm... I'm going
to have to quit.

Mary, you wouldn't leave me?

Mary, now, mary...

Mary!

Come on, mary.

Mary, don't cry.

Crying is just so...

Hard for me to watch.

I'm sorry, mr. Grant.

It's that I'm so upset.

I'm going through
that divorce with rob!

And they're talking about
spinning off phyllis and rhoda.

I'll make a deal
with you, mr. Grant.

I'll stop crying if you'll
stop trying to k*ll yourself.

You know what, mary?

Ya got spunk.

I hate spunk!

Sorry for yelling, mary.

I'm just not myself today.

Jackie: roseanne, we're home.

Bend your arm.

Honey... Bend your arm.

All right. It is a
little chilly in here.

Here you are.

I see you haven't moved
since I last saw you.

I have so.

I've been in manhattan,
minneapolis, and cocoa beach.

Cocoa beach?

Roseanne, I was saving that
jaegermeister for thanksgiving.

I'm gonna get out of here.

I'm gonna go talk to dan.

Good! That's great!

I don't know if
it's great, jackie.

I spent the last days
trying not to think about him,

But, you know, he just
keeps popping into my head.

See? You want him in your head.

He belongs in your head.

Yeah. Well, he's
in your tv, too.

You should have that checked.

Just stop talking
about it and go

Before you change your mind.

He's probably too
mad to even talk to me.

He's stopped calling.

He's your husband,
roseanne. He loves you. Go.

Yeah, but maybe I ought to wash
my hair or something before I go.

Go.

Oh, I know.

I'll just... You know.

Go!

Hey! Watch that waddle.

All right! Go!

Hey.

Hi.

Wow!

You're here.

Yeah. Well, you hadn't
called in minutes,

So I was starting
to get worried.

Oh, I was busy making dinner.

Well, I figured you'd be running short
on stuff, so I stopped by the store.

I got you some razors,

And, uh, some shaving cream,

And...

Some air freshener.

They were out of your deodorant,

So I figured you could
just stick this on your back.

I miss you.

I miss you, too, dan.

Well, let's fix this.
I know we can do it.

We've always
fixed things before.

I don't know that.

It seems like we just left
them broken and ignored 'em.

Something weird happened
tonight though, dan.

I went on this kinda
spiritual odyssey,

Guided by nick at night.

nick at night.

Yeah. I know it sounds weird,

But I spent the last days
trying not to think about you,

And then just everything I
watched on tv turned into us.

You know, donald and anne,

Jeannie and major nelson.

They got nothing on us, dan.

I think we're one of the...

All-time great couples.

I'll take better care
of myself, I promise.

Good. Because I'm really
going to yell at you if you don't.

Um, are you going to yell at
me from here or from jackie's?

It's a lot more fun from here.

Well...

I'm dying to kiss you.

You think your
heart can take it?

Well, if not, it'll be
a hell of a way to go.

Tv announcer: all of illinois
is holding its breath

As we prepare to announce the
winning numbers in our megalotto game.

At $ million,

This is the largest
jackpot in lotto history.

Here come your winning numbers.

One...

...

...

...

...

And !

What?

Tv announcer: those
numbers once again

Are one... ... ...

Those are mine.

...

'S the number of planets
in the solar system.

...

Is parking tickets.

And !

Times she
salted food in the...

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

We won the lottery.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, i... We won.

Oh, my god! I've got...

Oh, my god!

We won the lottery.

My god! Oh, my god!

We won the lottery.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

I've got to tell roseanne.

Oh, my god!

Come here, baby.

Come on, andy.

Come on, honey.

We're going to go
see aunt roseanne.

Oh, my god!

We won the lottery!