09x03 - What a Day for a Daydream

[bunniefuu]

You ok, david?

You look a little peaked.

See, david?

I told you you
were looking better.

I'm just feeling a
little queasy is all.

He thinks he's having
pregnancy pains.

Tell him that
that's not possible.

Well, I don't know, darlene.

When my water broke,
your father wet his pants.

Oh, hey, honey, that three-fingered
guy down at the hardware store,

He asked me for my autograph.

Which three-fingered guy?

None of them down
there have a full set.

Man, ever since
the lottery thing,

See, everybody wants
to get a little piece of us.

That's ok with me.

I'm starting to hear a little
sweet talk from the ladies.

Yeah, you know, grandma's
been a lot nicer to me, too, lately.

I mean the girls
at school, darlene.

All right, get this.
Ok, I was sitting there,

And there was an empty seat
next to me in the cafeteria...

Like there always is.

All right,

But then karen baylor
goes to sit down,

And susie johnson throws
an elbow and takes the seat!

Two girls fighting?

That is so sad.

That's not sad,
stupid. It's erotic.

Oh, I gotta tell you.

The freakiest thing
happened to me, too.

I'm down at the dry cleaners

And the guy down there
who owns the place,

He asked me to say a blessing
over his lottery ticket.

What didst thou say unto him?

Well, I gave him the girl scout
pledge and a couple of hail marys,

Then I waved my hand around
it, you know, just for the show.

You know what I just realized?

Next to that duck walking
around with the arrow in its neck,

We're the most
famous thing in lanford.

♪ What doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last long ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall of china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one
thing that I've heard ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make out
better than o.k., Hey ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

[Laughs]

So, the duck's the most
famous thing in lanford,

And we're number two, right?

Absolutely.

Duck... Us.

What was number two before us?

Oh, that's a tough call.

Probably that guy that dropped
his pants down at the bank

For funniest home videos.

God, that made me so damn mad!

You could tell that
was totally fixed.

He was probably goin' around

With his pants unbuttoned
the whole damn time.

Makes you not want to keep
your money there, I'll you that.

That's for damn sure.

Hey, I forgot to tell you.

Becky called from the
carnival with the boys.

She says they're
having a great time,

And our little jerry won
the pie eating contest.

Prodigy.

Oh, has anybody
seen leon lately?

Ever since we won the lottery,

He looks like hell.

I know! I saw him the other day.

He looked like such a slob,
I thought he was straight.

When's he gonna get over it?

Never!

Not as long as I'm alive.

I forgot to tell you who
I ran into. John mccord.

John mccord,
remember? Varsity track.

He's the guy that dressed
like the guy in mod squad.

Which guy in mod squad?

Link, or the white guy you
can never remember his name?

Come on, roseanne.
You know john mccord.

First shag haircut in lanford?

Jackie: yeah, that guy.

Anyway, he corners
me in the fruit section,

And he asks me out.

As if the lottery had
nothing to do with that.

But you're going, right?

Hell, yes, I'm going.

Hey... Guess what
happened to me?

Got a call from the
mayor of lanford.

Was he trying to sell
you some more amway?

No, actually this time, he
called as the mayor of lanford.

He wants me to ride in the
thanksgiving day parade.

Wow. That is an honor.

Yeah. It's me and some old guy
that was, like, the last soldier

That ever fought in
world w*r I or something.

Hey, I hope people in
this town don't mistake me

For anna nicole smith
and her old husband.

Man, we really are
becoming celebrities.

Yeah. It's just kinda not what I
thought it was gonna be, you know?

I thought it was going to be
more exciting or something.

How come that ted
koppel ain't called us yet?

Eh, he's lost his edge.

Well, he's no jerry springer,
that's for damn sure.

Audience: jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry: thank you very much.

Hello. Good day.

Shh! Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Hey, let's talk about
the american dream.

A good job, a good home,

Hey, what about
winning the lottery?

Well, my guests
tonight did exactly that.

They're just ordinary
folks from lanford, illinois.

Please welcome
roseanne and dan conner.

Wow! $ Million.

How did you feel
when you got the news?

Well, you've got to
understand, jerry,

I'm recovering from
a major heart att*ck,

Or a myocardial infarction,
as the doctors call it.

And, um, see, I was at
my daughter's wedding,

Which I guess
contributed to the stress.

Plus I ate me

A couple bacon, butter, mayonnaise
sandwiches for breakfast,

Which probably
contributed to the clog.

Yeah, well, also,
you forgot to tell...

You're not starting
in the right place.

That was, like, before, and then,
here we were a little bit later,

After you came
home and everything.

So, well, we just
had this big fight...

Yeah, we had a big wingding.

It was, like, the
worst fight ever

So, we thought we were gonna
break up or something, you know?

But then everything
worked out, so that was cool.

I... I tell you what...
Wait a minute.

Let's just slow
down a little bit.

What I want to know is,

How did you find
out that you won?

Well, we were sleeping...

Yeah... Sorta.

Audience: whoo!

Anyway, her sister comes over...

Yeah, my sister comes in,

And she's like, "roseanne!
Roseanne!" You know?

So I go out there and
everything, and, uh...

Kinda put me off my feet.

Sorry, honey.

And so I go out there, and she's
like "hey, you guys won the lottery!"

I'm like, "what?" You know?

So we were like kinda just
screaming and freaking out and stuff.

Yeah, I tell you, we had
a real big wingding then,

And the missus
jumped up on my back.

Wasn't... But wasn't there some
interesting story about how...

Oh, yeah. Well, I
was getting to that.

Ok, so my husband was in
the hospital and everything,

And he's there in his
room and everything,

Well, I was just trying to keep
my mind off of what was going on

Because, you know, I mean, I didn't know
if my husband was gonna get better...

'Cause of the infarction.

Yeah, the infarction.

And I was just getting
really nervous about it,

So I was just
trying to k*ll time...

Not really k*ll time,

But just take my mind off of, you
know, worrying about my husband.

So, like, I went down, and I
bought this lottery ticket,

And I worked out this
whole kinda, you know, system

For, like, how to
pick the numbers.

'Cause, like, I picked out...

Ok. I picked for the number
of times I salted my hospital food,

And then for the
number of parking tickets

I got for parking in the
ambulance only zone.

Was... Like, wasn't
your sister involved?

Uh, yeah. She's the one that, you
know, found out first and told us.

I got an idea. Why don't
we bring out your sister?

Here's roseanne's
sister jackie harris.

Jerry: jackie, welcome.

Welcome to the show.

What is your part in
this fascinating story?

Um, it was, like, I picked
out three of the numbers,

And then she picked out
three of the numbers,

And then, um, I was the one

That saw that we
won the lottery on tv.

So I go running over there,

I'm like, "roseanne!
Roseanne!" You know?

And she's like, "what?"

I'm like, you know,
"we won the lottery!"

And she's like,
"what?" You know?

Uh, we wanted to tell
dan, but we didn't know how

Because, you know,
he'd had a heart att*ck.

Yeah. See, I'm not supposed
to have any stress

Or lift up anything
heavy or whatnot

'Cause the whole thing
could just pop like that again...

So, tell him what you
said about the heart.

Ok. Well, I told my husband,

After we'd won and
everything, I told my husband,

I said, "honey, you don't even have to
worry about your bad ticker anymore,

"'Cause now we've
got enough money

To buy you one of those
baboon heart transplants."

Oh, yeah. A baboon
heart transplant,

Or a pig valve, or whatever
science has come up with.

How did it feel?

Well, I felt this pain...

I couldn't believe it...

It felt like something...

She couldn't believe it either,

So I go rushing over
there, you know?

And I tell them, and they're
like, "whoa!" You know?

And then I'm like,
"whoa!" you know?

And then, uh... Then...

We sat around for a little bit,

And then... Oh, i,
see, was like, "whoa."

Yeah, jerry.

See, I felt bad 'cause
I had my heart att*ck

At my daughter's wedding,
and, well, you know,

She had to get
married because of...

Honey, don't say
that on television!

How... How did the
lottery change your life?

How did the lottery
change your life?

I got a date with john mccord.

Oh, yeah! Then we had a lady
from good morning, america

Kath...

Yeah! Kathleen
sullivan came over...

She interviewed us.

Now, is she ed
sullivan's daughter?

I think she is, yeah.

Why don't we bring out the
rest of the conner family, ok?

Here's the rest of
the conner family.

Welcome, everybody, to the show.

Your mom... Your mom
has won $ million.

How do you guys feel?

I am the mother of
the girls, mr. Springer.

Mrs. Beverly harris.

Oh, how proud you must be.

You know, now that
we have this money,

I don't have to be a
democrat anymore.

Any questions? Yes, you.

Hi.

So, how much money did you win?

Uh, well, we only said it
million times, ya nob.

Uh, I think you
should listen to her

And what she says
about those guys,

And he should listen to
her about, uh, the other one.

[Audience claps]

Yeah. Now that you
guys have all that money,

Why don't you give me some?

Sure ain't never
heard that one before.

I want to say that you
people are living proof

That god takes care
of children and fools!

What did you say?

You heard me!

I said...

Well, talk to the hand 'cause
the face does not understand.

Oh, I suppose she
don't! Come on!

Hey! Sit your big ass down!

Sit your big ass down!

Hey! I said sit down! Sit down!

Let me through here!
Roseanne: you shut your mouth!

You think o.j.'S innocent.

Woman: she's a crazy woman!

Ok, everybody. Ok.

Yeah, well, we don't
understand how a jerk like you

Could win the lottery anyway.

Audience: yeah!

That's my wife you're
talking to, asswipe!

Get the bastard!

Come on! Come on!

[Shouting]

Well, this is as good a time
as any for a final thought.

You know, I think what we see
here today is that money obviously...

Jerry! Jerry!

No, I have a final thought.

Well, if life hands you a
negative, don't despair,

Because one day it just may
develop into a pretty picture.

Oh, the freakiest thing
happened to me today.

David and I got this call

From our friendly morticians
over at genetti and sons.

Ooh, genetti and sons...

They don't bury just anybody.

Well, they were very
eager to assist us

With our "afterlife needs."

I told them I already bought
a shovel and a big bag of lime.

Could you pass me some beans?

Yes, I could.

Glad to see somebody
likes his vegetables.

I'm not gonna eat them.

I'm just gonna suck
the glaze off them.

That's all right.

Mom will just reglaze
them tomorrow.

Hello? Mom?

Dan: honey?

You ok?

You haven't said anything
in the last minutes.

Yeah, 'cause I actually
started to relax.

Sorry, guys.

I just kinda spaced out there.

Thinking about the money, huh?

I've been doing that, too.

It changes the way

You look at the
world, doesn't it?

Yeah.

And also the way the
world looks at you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, nature's been
too good to you girls.

You're gonna put
me out of a job.

Look at that. Isn't
that gorgeous?

Ok, now let's get started.

I just want you both to relax

And move to the music!

[Music plays]

I don't know, avalon...

Just forget leonard
and I are here.

Make me sweat!

I'll try.

Yes, that's it.

Open up the estrogen
tap and let it flow!

Come on! You're
rich, you're sexy,

You're totally happening!

Well, I'm just... I don't know!

Avalon, I'm really nervous.

I mean, I'm nervous
about how I'm gonna look.

I've been cranking
out kids since the s.

You've got nothing to
worry about, darling.

Women aren't born beautiful.

It's all done with
the magic of lighting.

Here, I'll take a polaroid,
and I'll show you.

Voilä!

Oh, my god! Look, jackie!

It really is about the lighting.

Get back out there and
show me what you've got!

[Music gets louder]

♪ What make you think
you can take these flames ♪

♪ What make you think
you can take these flames ♪

♪ Your life will
pass before you ♪

♪ Everything
you've said or done ♪

♪ There's no way
you can stop it now ♪

♪ No where you can run ♪

♪ It down to you and me now ♪

♪ The future is in our hands ♪

♪ What make you think
you can take these flames ♪

♪ What make you think
you can take these flames ♪

♪ You can feel it - I can
feel it getting hotter ♪

♪ Hotter and hotter ♪

[Laughter]

Yes, you were brilliant!

Oh, thank you.

Well, that's why I'm
the new guess girl.

Oh, my god! It's hef!

Both: hi, hef!

Hello, girls.

I want you to know this is
something really special.

Oh, you know, I just
want to tell you

That you single-handedly revolutionized
america's puritanical morals,

And I personally
want to thank you.

Well, I want to thank you

For one of the most memorable
sh**t in playboy's history.

Oh, hef, I bet you say
that to all the girls.

Of course I do.

All , of them.

Yes, and I mean it every time.

But I have to say that you are the
most beautiful woman on this earth.

Thank you.

No... In the universe.

Ohh, hef.

Ha ha... Wow!

The judges certainly wasted
no time in making that decision!

Now, let's see who will
be sipping champagne

And who will be crying
into their cold cream.

Ha ha ha.

Here we go!

The new miss universe is...

Miss lanford... Roseanne conner!

Aah!

I had no idea! Oh!

Oh, miss lanford, you
are without a doubt

The most voluptuous,
beautiful woman in the universe!

I must admit, I was
a little worried

When they discovered
life on mars.

Take your victory stroll
down the runway, girlfriend!

[Music plays]

♪ Here she is ♪

♪ The blue-collar beauty ♪

♪ She's a real
trail-blazing cutie ♪

♪ She's got a hell of a figure ♪

♪ And she fills out a d-cup ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Baby, that's why
she's the winner ♪

♪ And first runner up ♪

♪ Yes, she's our
miss universe, u.s.a. ♪

Oh, hold it! Hold
it! Stop, please!

I have just learned that miss
lanford has broken the pageant rules

By posing for a
commercial publication!

Hey, those were tasteful photos!

It was just me and my sister

Naked in a tub full of money!

Well, I am gonna have to
strip you of your crown!

Yes! No!

No! That's mine!

I bought that!
Give it back to me!

It's mine! Give it to me!

Give-it-to-me!

Give me that! Give me that!

It's mine! I deserve it!

Mom, you're giving me a blister!

Deej, let it go.

If your mom wants to
salt her ice cream, it's ok.

You all right, honey?

Course, I'm all right.
I'm the new guess girl.

Hey, I just heard on the news!

They got that arrow
out of the duck's neck!

Oh, my god! Do you
realize what this means?

This means we are the
biggest thing in lanford!

[Cheering]

All: we're number one!

We're number one!

We're number one!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mom, I kinda need
to talk to you.

It's important.

Why, what's the matter?

Well, the other day we were...

Stage manager:
cut! That's a wrap.

Hot damn!

What do you mean "cut"?

We're not even
done with the scene!

Oh, I'm sorry, roseanne.

I mean, this is
the th episode

And they said to tell you
as soon as the cake got here.

Oh, the cake's here.

Come on, let's go get some.

Wait! I mean...

What the hell happened to
our big mother-son scene?

That was my sh*t at an emmy!

Well, I'm gonna
go have some cake.

You know, go knock
yourself out there.

O israel, your day of
reckoning has come.

You have sinned a great sin.

You're not worthy to receive
these ten commandments.

The almighty has proven
that your faith can overcome

Even the laws of nature!

Blasphemers!

You refuse live by the law?

Then you shall die by the law!

Oh, well, they were
very tasteful photos!

It was just me and my sister

Naked in a tub full of money!

I am gonna have to
strip you of your crown!

No! No! No! That's mine!

Give me that! You will not!

No! Give me that!

I said, give me that!