09x06 - Pampered to a Pulp

[bunniefuu]

Wow.

I believe they're here.

Welcome to the
golden chamber spa.

I'm carol. You must
be roseanne and jackie.

Yeah. You got anything to drink?

Yeah, the air conditioner
in our cab was busted.

Man, it was so sticky

I about pulled the whole
backseat out with me.

Carol: uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh, why
don't we check you in,

Um, rinse off, and I'll
meet you down here

For your evaluation.

Yama, the bags.

And can you put us
close to the soda machine?

I'm sweating like a pig, man.

Please.

I know that this
is a bit awkward,

But I do have to identify
the problem areas.

Oh, roseanne, what
is this back here?

Oh, well, that's a
dowager's hump.

A lot of eastern
european women have them.

I don't have one.

That's 'cause I smashed
yours when you were little.

You really are quite
hairy, aren't you?

Well, I think it's just, you
know, it's kind of thick and dark

So it looks like there's a lot.

You should have a
bikini wax immediately.

I shave my thighs regularly.

I can see the stubble.

Jackie, your hair is thin,

Follicles are clogged,

Root texture is rough.

Very sorry.

And, roseanne, I see lots
of gray and split ends,

And what is going on
with your eyebrows?

Oh, I tried to light the
pilot light last week.

Your skin...

Is dirty. Mmm.

Um, some scarring. I would
recommend a facial every day.

Uh, it's unusual,
but so is your skin.

Jackie, ok, yeah, a lot
of dead skin on this face.

Um, and those eye
bags, uh, wow! Ok.

Ok, neck skin is not firm.

It has very little elasticity.

Yours is looser than most.

I'm not really sure what
to recommend here, um...

Well, maybe we should just
pack our bags and go home.

We do have a product from
france. It is a thigh cream,

But I think that your
neck would respond.

Jackie, your breasts
are oddly shaped

And too small for your body.

I am so sorry.

And, roseanne...

Uh, mmm, ooh. Your derriere
is badly in need of a reshaping

And a lift.

I guess we're probably
the most disgusting people

You've ever tried
to help, right?

We don't judge.
We reveal and heal.

That's what we do here.

So, jackie, why don't
you hop on the bike,

And we'll test your endurance.

Ok.

And, roseanne, we will
measure your body fat.

Great.

Oh! Ok, wow. Ok, you're
bigger than you look.

Ok.

You are unpleasantly fat.

Thank you.

Ok.

Jackie: carol...

Roseanne.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll
us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waitin' for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

[Speaking korean]

[Speaking korean]

[Speaking korean]

[Gasps]

Oh!

[Speaking korean]

[Speaking korean]

Ow!

[German accent] the
seaweed wrap must be airtight.

Gaps, spaces, und openings

Will not be tolerated.

So this cleans out
all the toxins, huh?

It is not a mere cleaning.

The impurities are purged

By a relentless drive
through the skin.

I'm scared, roseanne.

Attendant: tighter!

That's pretty tight.

At least I can still
move my fingers.

You are weak. Pull!

[Groaning]

Ok, now I can't breathe.

Perfect. Now you
will feel itching.

It means that the toxins are
fleeing from the purification.

After that, report
to the showers.

Oh, I really wish she hadn't
said that thing about the itching.

Wow. I haven't seen a worse
case since maybe janet reno.

That's hitting below the belt.

And ms. Reno refused the
products that I recommended,

Just like tommy lee
jones and james woods.

Well, we'll buy your products.

Oh, yeah. We'll get
all your products.

Oh, good.

Your pores are engorged.

Eew. With what?

Debris.

That's why your face looks
so rough and peasantlike.

You eat a lot of
cheese. No dairy.

Shh! Shh!

No dairy!

Do you know the
pores define the face?

They're little fountains that
squirt garbage out of the body.

Sometimes that
fountain gets clogged,

And that's what
enlarges your pores.

Large pores make a
face look tired and cheap.

What is that?

It's an extractor.

It gets rid of blackheads,
pimples, et cetera.

Ow!

One!

Ow!

We're just gonna have
to peel off this top face.

I recommend an acid peel.

Michael jackson
just swears by them.

Oh, he's got beautiful skin.

Aaagh!

Aah!

Calm.

[Ripping]

Jackie: ow!

Roseanne: oh, god!

Aah!

[Whimpering]

It's like little people food.

I can't believe it.
I'm almost finished.

Excuse me.

Please tell me that
this is not the dinner.

Please tell me that
even if you have to lie.

I'm afraid it is.

Carol has you both on a
very strict calorie diet.

Well, you know what?

I would like to know what
carol is eating tonight.

Tell me. Tell me!

Ma'am, please.
There's still dessert.

Oh, ok, good.

Voilä!

I'm really not getting
this joke, junior.

This is our last
meal for hours.

Like hell it is.

I can get us a pizza
here in minutes.

No, don't... Don't
you start that.

I'm gonna get two pepperoni
pizzas with extra topping

Of two pepperoni pizzas.

Roseanne!

You'll never get that
past the guard at the gate.

Oh, yeah, I will 'cause
you'll distract the guy,

And I'll smack him with my hump.

Roseanne.

Listen, if you are not with
me, then you're against me.

You can do it. People can
go a month without food.

Yeah, 'cause they're idiots.

I need food!

I'm not gonna make it, jackie.

I know.

Don't... Stop hanging on me.

Aw, why don't you just...

Go on without me?

Just leave me the g*n so
I can sh**t the buzzards.

Come on, come on!

We're gonna get in
trouble with the hike leader.

Oh, my god, jackie.

What?

There's a big, fat, juicy
squirrel over there!

Get a rock!

You are deranged
from lack of protein.

Bean him!

Hi!

Hi.

Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?

No, but can I eat your dinner?

Huh.

Let me know when you're
the last man on earth.

Come on. Let's shuffle
back to our room

And nap before lunch.

Maybe we'll get lucky
and drop dead in our sleep.

Now, see, we're in trouble.
Here comes the hike leader.

Excuse me, ladies.

no habla ingles.

If you want to quit the
hike, I just need to know.

It's no problem.

Ok, well, yeah, we're
gonna quit the hike.

Yeah. I'm kind of amazed
you made it this far.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, a woman of your size

Really shouldn't put so
much strain on her heart.

Are you saying that I
can't finish that hike?

I'm just saying that not
everyone was meant to be fit.

Well, I'm fit!

Yeah, right, and I'm the world
boxing council lightweight champion.

I'll snap your spine in half
like a potato chip, ya bitch!

Jackie. What?

There's another squirrel,

And I am not letting
this one get away.

Oh, my god!

And reach forward to the
fingertips of your left hand.

Now drop the right shoulder
underneath your thigh,

And reach your right
hand between your legs.

Wrap your left arm
around your body.

With your right hand,
grab onto your left wrist.

Inhale. Lift the chest
away from the tailbone.

Exhale. Press the arm straight.
Open up your chest towards the sky.

This is not human.

I thought yoga was about
reefer and ravi shankar.

And now, back on your buttocks,

Press the left heel forward,

And with both hands, lift
the foot over your head.

Hi, pete. I hate to disturb you,

But, uh, I have a
couple of openings

For past-life regression therapy

If anyone's interested.

What do you think?

I think, at this point,

I would volunteer
for lab testing.

Get me up.

Ohh!

Now, it's not
unusual for a person

To question the
reality of past lives,

So let's begin by shaking off
our uncertainty and doubts.

Just shake off
that cosmic debris.

[Snorting]

Very nice. Ok...

Yama is going to be
infusing me with his breath

So that I can better assist you.

We're going to... Go inside...

We're... We're
going to go inside

So that we can find out why
you've come back into this lifetime

With these obstacles...

You, with the eyebags,

And you, so unpleasantly fat.

So let's begin by
breathing in the air

Through our eyeballs

And bringing it down
into our diaphragm.

Just follow yama and i,

And inhale...

Faaaahhh! Exhale.
I didn't hear a "fa."

Inhale...

Faaaah! Faaaah! Faaaah!

Very nice.

Now just continue that
gentle breathing in silence

And close your eyes...

Faaaaah! Faaaaah!

And know that what we call life,

We have experienced
many times in the past.

Faaaaah! Faaaaah!

Imagine yourselves in nature.

There's a bridge up ahead.

On the other
side lies a lifetime

You have not
visited in many years.

Go ahead. Cross the bridge.

Aha! There she is! Xena,
the warrior princess.

Get her!

Ohh!

Whuh! Whuh!

Ghuhh! Ghuhh! Ghohh!

Ha ha. I guess your
mother never told you

Not to hit girls.

Xantippe!

I should've known
these men were with you.

Forget them, xena.

I have come to give
you a real challenge.

Fine... But no weapons.

Uhh!

You have won, xena.

Slay me now, and
end my suffering.

Oh, I have something even
more terrible in mind for you.

Heyson! Kim!

Scrub her.

Aaaah! Aaaah!

And slowly bring your
awareness back into the room.

Faaaaah!

Oh, man, that was so awesome.

I was kickin' ass, and
my neck looked great!

Jackie, who were you?

I was a leper.

Parts kept falling off of me.

Ladies, congratulations.

Give yourselves a big hand

For all the hard work that
you've accomplished thus far.

Now that you've achieved
these beautiful bodies,

It's a shame to cover them up...

But it is the law.

So it is with great pleasure
that I introduce to you

World-renowned fashion
designer todd oldham!

Thank you, carol.

Look, I believe
every good designer

Filters his ideas
through the era we live in,

And we're living in an
era of self-expression

Where colors, patterns, and
textures all mingle perfectly together,

Where what's fashionable
is what makes you feel good.

So today, I want to show you

A few pieces from my
fall collection.

So, do you make
anything over size ?

Yes, we do.

Oh. Great.

Todd, maybe you could
give roseanne some help.

Ok.

Hi. A pleasure.

Well, I think to
cantilever the top section,

A really strong foundation
garment is in order.

And the mid-section,

Let's keep it dark
and go with long cuts

To sort of
de-emphasize this area

And bring your
attention elsewhere.

And then, to avoid that
cloven hoof problem,

I think a closed-toe
shoe would be in order.

So, don't wear
anything reflective.

Keep it simple. Nothing shiny.

No furs. It'll add to much bulk.

Uh, no belts. Just go
with what you want to do...

What you feel good about.

And you have such pretty
skin, such a pretty face.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, sure... Uhh!

Oh, my goodness... Oh!

Now, girls, is there
anything special

You'd like in your makeup today?

No. You're the artist.

Yeah. Just go
with your instinct.

Good, because
from my experience,

I have found out
that natural is best.

Let your face
tell its own story.

Would that be ok?

Great.

Wow!

Oh... My... God!

We're going to... Go inside...

So that we can find out why
you've come back into this lifetime

With these obstacles...

You, with the eyebags,

And you, so unpleasantly fat.

So let's begin by
breathing in the air

Through our eyeballs

And bringing it down
into our diaphragm.

Just follow yama and i,

And inhale...

Faaaahhh!