09x09 - Roseambo

[bunniefuu]

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't crowd her.
Give her some air.

I have good news.

Your family is fine. A highway
patrolman found them.

He's bringing them
right over here.

And you, roseanne conner,

Are a hero.

You have taken
the american woman

From housewife to
international t*rror1st fighter.

All right! Yay! Yay!

So tell us how it happened.

We want to hear all the details.

Ok. Well, it was really weird

'Cause, uh, there we were,

Headed, um, to
washington, d.c., You know,

With this friend of
ours... Dr. Hrundi v. Bakshi.

Oh. Uh, dr. Bakshi, I'd
really like to thank you

For inviting us to come along
with you to washington, d.c.

Yes. Little did I know
that you'd actually accept.

Well, ha ha. Hope we're
not imposing, doctor.

Well, I know i am not imposing.

I always get along
with foreigners.

The key is to remember
that they're people, too,

And it's not their fault

That they were born in
some barbaric heathen land.

Right, dr. Bakshi?

Whatever.

[Shrill whistle blows]

Oh, my, you're really...

Really enjoying that
whistle, aren't you, andy?

All the way from boston.

I'm going to have to
find a very special way

To thank grandma
for getting you that.

So. Have you given any thought

To what you want
to see in washington?

Oh, yeah. I want to go see all
the important historical places.

Superb. We'll start with my
favorite: the lincoln memorial.

Then the capitol building...

Forget that crap. Nuh-uh. I
want to see that elevator

Where bob packwood goosed
his secretary, you know?

Hey, then I want to go
over there to congress

And sit in the back and oink.

What do you think
of that, hrundi?

Excuse me. I've
lost my fanny pack.

You know what I
want to see in d.c.?

Chelsea clinton.

I can see it now.
We're having dinner...

Nice chat about bosnia...

Then I run my fingers
through her tawny hair.

D.j., I'm starving. Let's
go up to the dining car.

No way. This is first class.

They're gonna bring
the food right to us.

They're a little late, too...

Everybody up!

Aah! Aah!

We have taken
control of this train!

You are now our hostages!

This better be dinner theater.

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Oh, that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waitin' for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Remind me never to use
leon's travel agent again!

Do not raise your voice!

I'm not. This is my voice.

I said quiet!

It is a double sin, speaking
without being addressed

And not whispering
when you speak.

[Whispering] ok, ok, fine.

Just tell me what
you want from us.

No! We only speak to men!

Like him!

Oh, now I'm really scared.

Enough! Take them
to the holding car!

Everyone but her.

Aah! Go!

Aah! [Sobbing] don't k*ll me!

[Blowing whistle]

Andy, not in front
of the t*rrorists.

Hey, you touch one
hair on their heads...

Silence!

Tie her up. And gag her.

Her mouth...

Is a sin against nature.

Oh!

Aah! Ohh!

Aah! Ohh!

Aah!

Stay here!

Try to escape,
and you'll be k*lled!

Ok. No escaping. Oh, no!

Woman! Forgot! No talk!

Aah! But I'm still talking!

You know, if he wasn't
holding a machine g*n

And there weren't a bunch
of other t*rrorists around,

If I wasn't sober,
I'd kick his ass!

What?

Nothing! Noth... St...

Heh heh heh heh heh!

Ohh!

This is horrible.

What if they keep
us in here for months

And we have to eat each other

Like those poor boys
on that soccer team?

We don't even know
why they're doing this.

What is it that they want?

They want me.

Hey, hey, hey! We
got him in here!

Take him and let us go!

D.j.!

They know he's in here.

What is going on, dr. Bakshi?

Those men are t*rrorists
from the country of mondostan.

I was going to give a speech at
the u.n. Denouncing their country

For their horrible
record on human rights.

This is their attempt
to silence me.

Ok, ok, there's just one thing

I don't understand here, ok?

What's the u.n.?
You talk, mister!

The u.n. Is the united nations.

I was going to speak
before the general assembly,

And the speech would have
been on every television

In every home
throughout the world.

You mean like baywatch.

[Mumbling]

Thank you.

Are you ok?

Uh-huh.

Well, you're in america now.

Nobody can shut you up.

And you don't have to
wear a ball in your mouth

Unless you get off on it.

Now tell me where my family is.

Thank you.

[Speaking mondostan language]

Hey, hey. Take a breath, soba.

You're going to pull something.

Ha ha ha!

Our plan is working perfectly.

[Others voice agreement]

Only ourselves and the
bakshi party remain on the train.

Soon someone should bring
them some food and drink.

Sort of a last meal, huh?

Soba!

Do it!

Is something wrong, soba?

Did you cut your hair?

I say we k*ll that
infantile bakshi right now!

[Cheering]

Silence!

We must not deviate
from the plan.

Bakshi...

And his degenerate friends

Will all perish in hours...

When the train is derailed

And plunges off the cliff.

Whoosh!

Heh heh heh.

And then the whole
world will know our power!

The power of the
mondostan seven!

[Cheering]

Soba.

More coffee.

The united nations will learn

Not to interfere with
our internal affairs.

Yes! The very idea
of being upset at us

Just because we yank out
the eyeteeth of our women,

Tie up their tongues, and
we sew their mouths shut.

What's the big deal?

Ow!

You clumsy wench!

We even tried to appease
the rest of the world

By having a woman president.

Perhaps we should have
let her make a speech

Before her mouth was sewn up.

She is spirited, ah?

It would be a joy to break her.

[All laughing]

This reminds me of a joke.

If you push an englishwoman
and a mondostan woman

Out of an airplane
at the same time,

Who will hit the
ground first? Huh? Huh?

Who cares?

You get it? Who cares?

Who cares?

[Laughter stops]

I care, you silly bastard.

Aah!

Get her!

Get that talking devil woman!

She gone.

She must've fallen off.

Good. I hope she die horribly.

Eat your heart out, kerri strug.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello. Listen, whoever
this is, I need help.

Man: who is this?

Macgyver. What
difference does it make?

I need help.

I want to speak to dr. Bakshi.

He's a little
indisposed right now.

Look, I need...

No. You look. This is the f.b.i.

We have information that
dr. Bakshi's life may be in danger.

Yeah, well, big fat duh.

There's a bunch of
g*ons on this train,

And they have
bakshi and my family,

So you guys better get your
butts on this train right now.

[Sighs]

Listen, I'm losing you.

Woman: yeah, so go figure.

Everyone at melanie's
party got lucky

Except for melanie.

Damn cell phones.

Agent: now, we'll fly
help in as soon as we can.

These men are dangerous,
so don't do anything.

But my fam...

Ma'am, be a good girl
and don't do anything!

Fine, I'll lay low
until you get here.

Like hell I will.

This time, it's personal.

Avon calling.

You. You were
supposed to be dead.

You boys put those
g*ns down right now.

Don't make me pull
this train over.

[Laughs]

You just told your last joke.

Check, please.

The fun is over.

[Laughs]

[Sizzles] aah!

[Sizzles] aah!

That's what we call
sh**ting the curl.

Raah!

You know what this is?

Not a tampon.

Ohh. Aah.

Now you can ride
horses and swim.

Raah... Akk.

[Electricity shocking]

Now you tell me
where my family is

Before I lose my cool.

Nothing you can
do will make me talk.

Oh, really?

Aah!

No. Not the beard.

I need it. I have no chin.

Aah! All right. All right,

But you're never
going to make it.

Your family's cars back.

Each car with guards.

Each guard with g*ns.

Each g*n with b*ll*ts.

Didn't anybody ever tell you

That girls can't do math?

Aah!

That'll teach you to mess
with the mother of all mothers.

D.j., We're manly men.

We can bust this thing open.

I'm trying.

To think I made it
through a world w*r,

The korean w*r... Well,
technically that wasn't a w*r,

That was a police action...

And now I'm seeing
the caboose of my life.

Mother, don't talk like that.

You're scaring andy.

Andy's asleep.

Well, then you're scaring me.

We gotta get out of here.

Mom's all by herself.

She's not alone. She's
surrounded by t*rrorists.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god, I don't want
to be an only child.

Relax, relax, relax.

I can handle these guys.

I took shop.

♪ The party's over ♪

♪ It's time to call it a day ♪

Shut up!

I do not want my
last moments on earth

Polluted by your
incessant crooning.

What do you mean?

What do you mean last moments?

These are my middle moments.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Someone needs to take control
of this situation right now.

Someone with their
wits about them,

And I guess it's gonna be me.

Excuse me for
being presumptuous.

I've only known you for days,

But you're an imbecile.

So?

Let's play a game.

Well, how about hangman?

Oh, yeah. Great, mark. Hangman.

It's really gonna make
us forget about dying.

I'm sorry, all right?
How about this then?

I'll say a word.

Then we each add a word
until we get a sentence.

Ok, ready? I'm...

Going...

To...

Die!

So nice of you to
join me on the veranda

For some fresh air,

Even though it's your last.

Ha ha ha.

Raah!

Whoa!

Aah!

I love the train.

It's so much safer
than air travel.

Don't you agree?

Damn. I forgot how famous
you mondostanians are

For your hard jaws.

Don't forget, we also
grow world-famous figs.

Yaaahh!

I've seen better forearms
on a buffalo wing.

You make me reassess
my opinion about women.

You're even weaker and
more stupid than I thought.

That is why it is so much fun

To put them in their place.

Aah!

You people are barbarians.

In our country, we don't need
to spill blood to silence women.

We do it with diet and
fashion and psychiatrists.

Every country should destroy
their women in their own way

Because you are inferior.

You may think
women are inferior,

But there's one way
men are much weaker.

Big frank might be tough,

But little frank's weak
like all the rest of them.

Aah!

Damn.

I broke a nail.

I'm not playing any
more word games.

Ok, ok, ok!

How about duck-duck-goose?

No games!

No games of any kind!

k*ll him! k*ll him!

All right, already!

Stop it, everybody!

Look at us. We're
turning on each other

Like a pack of wild dingoes.

Only god can save us now.

[Door opens]

What about god-dess?

Roseanne.

You're alive.

I knew you'd make
it. I just knew it.

Roseanne, that outfit,

It's hardly slenderizing, dear.

Shut up, mom.

This train is about to
go off a cliff in minutes.

You guys wanna live, follow me.

Ok. This train's gonna go
around a curve in a minute,

So that'll give us
time to jump off.

Go, d.j.

I don't care what anybody says.

You're the best mom
on the block. Aah!

Well, roseanne, i...

Aah!

If I don't make it,

I only hope in my next life,

I come back as a
meat-eating woman like you.

Aah!

Ohh. Roseanne,

You're the ultimate
in feminine protection.

Never jump out of a train, andy,

With a whistle in your mouth.

You go, girl.

Becky really missed
a great trip, huh?

Yaah!

Jeez.

Hey, I owe you one, pal.

Forget it. My treat.

You know all those times
you screwed up, mark?

Well, this isn't one of them.

I'm proud to call
you my son-in-law.

Aah!

Oh, my god, I can't believe
I'm gonna die like this.

That carnival psychic was right.

Oh, at last.

Help from above.

This is the f.b.i.

Grab on to the tire.

[expl*si*n]

Cleanup on aisle .

Well, mrs. Conner,
it's been quite a day.

If you feel up to it,

There's someone else
who wants to meet you.

Oh, my god.

It's hillary.

Roseanne, it takes a
village to raise a child,

But just one tough
cookie like you

To whip a bunch of t*rrorists.

Well, t*rrorists don't
really bother me, hillary.

After all, I had
teenage daughters

Living in the same
house at the same time.

See you at barbara's.

Yeah.

Mrs. Clinton, one more sh*t.

Well done, grasshopper.

[Gasps]

Oh, master,

I've studied all of your
teachings as best as I could,

Especially those
available on video.

But you did resort to v*olence,

And I think you need to
realize that the only enemy...

Is within you.

If you can dissolve
into emptiness,

You'll realize
they cannot resist

That which doesn't exist.

This is the true
nature of shinyata.

What he said.

It's good I have roseanne.

I could never
make it without her.

You know what I
mean? I'm so happy.

Oh, this is just a
little token here.

That's what
it is. ... ...

See? Get it. Zoom in. , ...

$ , . .

Man: what did you
buy for that money?

What did he buy.
This is just a trick.

This is something I
bought to keep him happy.

"Keep mike tyson happy" money.

A mere pittance.
A mere pittance.

You know?

Man: you have that
pittance to show us?

He bought towels mostly.

I have nothing.