09x20 - Roseanne-Feld

[bunniefuu]

Roseanne, you look different.

I mean, good different.

Did you cut your hair?

No, I washed it.

Oh.

After a week in the
hospital like that,

My hair developed a permanent
ledge in the back there.

I got the cutest present
for darlene's baby.

You know how a new outfit
always makes a girl feel better.

Ohh! It's so cute.

Look at that.

Oh, my god.

That is so cute

That it's almost worth me
dropping pounds to fit into it.

Yeah.

Well, fred's got andy tonight,

So you want me to go
to the hospital with you?

No. I want everybody
to have a night off.

I sent darlene and
david out for dinner,

And I told them, "go
ahead and enjoy it.

"This is one of the last times

"You'll ever go to dinner

Without a cup of crayons
sitting on the table."

That's a good idea.

Everybody's been under
a lot of stress lately.

Well, I just want everybody
to go out and have fun.

Fun.

Yeah.

Gee, what did I
use to do for fun?

Oh, yeah. I came here.

Ha.

Well, hey, if you're
feeling desperate,

You can go down to chuck
e. Cheese with dan and jerry.

You know, I find you're
never to old to dive headfirst

Into a room full
of plastic balls.

Yes.

Well, I'll keep that in mind.

Um, any word on how
soon the baby comes home?

No. The doctors
say she's doing fine,

But it could still be a
whole 'nother month.

That's gotta be rough. You gotta
wait weeks now to spoil her rotten.

Jackie, I really don't plan

On being one of
those grandmothers

Whose entire life is
about her grandchildren.

Roseanne, open up the coat.

What?

Just open up the coat.

Now, hand me the bag.

No.

Hand me the bag.

Hand me the bag.

How did that get in there?

♪ If what doesn't k*ll us
is making us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Deej, what the
hell are you doing?

I'm ironing my shirt.

Not all of us pick out our
clothes by sniffing them.

No, idiot. You don't want to
spray so close to the shirt.

You want to mist
it, not soak it.

How do you know so
much about ironing?

Hey, what, are you
calling me a girl?

Look, look, look.

Let me do that for you, ok?

So what are you
doing tonight, man?

I got an extra ticket to
championship wrestling.

You know, becky
thinks it's stupid,

But you don't, do you, partner?

Sorry, partner.

I got plans with heather.

Oh, a little wrestling
match of your own, huh?

No, we're gonna go
see return of the jedi.

Oh. Then you're gonna need this.

I already have a wallet.

No, no, no, no.

A love glove.

A raincoat.

An envelope for the
night security deposit box!

You mean a condom?

Well, yeah, if you
want to get technical.

Look, we're not at that
stage in our relationship.

D.j., You're a guy...

You're always at that
stage in your relationship.

Let's just hope the
force is with you.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello!

Hello, you two!

Come right on in.

Hi. Mm-mm-mmm.

Oh, it is fantastic.

Oh.

What did you bring us?

A bag of kenyan sumatra beans

And a flourless chocolate cake.

To die.

Oh, I just love you boys.

You have such a flair!

Well, you know,
bev, we must admit,

We are more than
a little curious

To meet your new special friend.

Yes.

Well, joyce is dying
to meet you, too.

I can't wait to see
what she picked up.

She's probably some big butch.

Let's face it.

Bev's only been with
men up until now.

Well, that doesn't
mean anything.

Look at me.

Oh, stop!

So where is joyce?

Oh, she'll be out in a minute.

She's just putting
on some lipstick.

Lipstick. Lipstick.

Joyce, get your hot
little patooty out here!

Oh.

Fasten your seat belts...

It's going to be a bumpy night.

Oh, yay!

Oh, my god! Leon, look, it's...

God, I don't believe it!

It's her!

Oh, yes! Joyce! Joyce
"the velvet voice"

From the rotating lounge

On top of the holiday inn.

Ohh.

Bev, why didn't you tell
us that you were seeing

Lanford's most
fabulous chanteuse?

Oh, then you've seen my show?

Oh, are you kidding?

We adore you.

Darling, I can't count the times

We have gone to the
windows on lanford lounge

High atop the fourth floor
of the fantastic holiday inn

And watched you literally
tear the roof off the place!

And the way you do
send in the clowns?

Oh!

Honey, I have not been able
to go back to the circus.

And the finale,

When you do the
wind beneath my wings,

And they turn the fans on. Oh!

Your arms go up,

And you've got those
little sequined wings

Sewn into your sleeves.

Well, that is when the
waterworks open for me, darling.

It is genius. It is just...

Genius.

You are so nice.

Oh.

Beth...

They're not catty at all.

Oh.

Boy, is the lanford armory the
greatest place to see wrestling or what?

[Sniffs]

Oh, I forgot.

The rodeo was here last week.

I got a gut full of nachos
and a giant foam finger.

I am ready to rumble!

Oh, I think tonight's
gonna be my night, jackie.

I can't wait to
get into that ring!

Grrr!

You can do that?

Yeah, sure. What you
do, you fill out a card.

They pick a different
audience member every week.

Hey, not to worry. I
filled out one for you.

Sounds dangerous.

No, no, no, no.

Maybe for some guys,

But check out these g*ns.

Yeah, right. You've got
to be a little bit afraid.

Nah.

[Bell rings]

Announcer: ladies and gentlemen,

It's time for the fabulous
ladies of wrestling!

Announcer: our first
match of the evening,

Entering the ring, -time
tri-state federation champion,

Straight from her appearance

On sally jessy raphael,

She's ripped, rock-hard,
and ready for action,

Cincinnati patti deknocko!

And her opponent,

Wanted in states
for illegal moves

Both in and out of the ring,

A terrifying display
of feminine evil,

Black widow!

Boo!

Oh, yeah?! You're
next, wussy boy!

Get out of here!

Hey, you!

Hey!

Hey, I want a piece of you!

I want a piece of you!

Grrr! Grrr!

Deej, check out
that yoda over there.

That's a homeless guy.

How many dogs did he have
to k*ll to make that outfit?

Don't people have lives?

Apparently not.

Do you want your light saber?

Yeah.

[Making light saber noises]

Careful, d.j., That's not a toy.

This movie starts
in, like, minutes.

We're gonna have
nose-bleed seats.

Hi. For return of the jedi.

Sorry. Sold out.

Oh, no.

We have plenty
of seats available

For beautician and the beast.

Crap. What do you
want to do now?

Well, we can rent this movie...

And your mom's not home.

Leon: oh, with the
trumpet player?

Uh-huh.

Of course, they can
hold their breath forever.

Oh, that's right.

So then what happened?

Well, I just told her

That if she was gonna carry
on like that with the band,

No way we were
gonna live together.

I just cannot believe it.

You and eydie gorme
were roommates.

Joyce: uh-huh.

Oh, that's nothing.

Tell them about the time you and
mitzi gaynor got into a fist fight

At the south pacific call-backs.

Mitzi gaynor dish!

Do tell!

Tell us every juicy
bit! Everything!

Well, I would,

But I've just won
another hand. Gin!

Oh, you.

You are impossible.

Oh, joyce, you
are a lucky woman.

Oh, you can say
that again, bevy.

Ohh.

Scotty, how cute are they?

Mmm.

Bev, we've got
to hand it to you.

Joyce is really something.

A great singer,

Divine card player,

And a mouth like a sailor.

Ooh, if only I were a woman.

But you're not!

Oh, I know.

Listen, I'm not against
giving you boys

A chance to win a game or .

Uh, why don't we
play something else?

Your choice.

Oh, joyce, you are going to
live to regret those words.

What am I missing?

Oh, nothing at all.

Just that leon and I were fire
island canasta champions .

Thank you.

Oh, really?

Then how's about we make things

A little more interesting?

All right. Anything
but strip poker.

I haven't waxed.

Oh, scott!

What do you say
we raise the stakes?

He's raised the
stake fairly well.

Scott: oh, will you be quiet?

Naughty.

So, joyce, have you
met roseanne yet?

Is she out of her coma?

Uh, who wants coffee?

This is so stupid.

What?

I mean, this whole thing with
princess leia and han solo.

I mean, they obviously
want each other,

But they don't even
do anything about it.

Yeah, well, she's not exactly

Sending him any
signals or anything.

That's why it's so lame.

I mean, here they are,
these total outcasts,

They have no one in the
world except each other,

And they're playing these
stupid junior high games.

I mean, I just don't buy it.

Maybe he's just waiting for
her to do something first.

Think about it.

Let's say if there was
this really hot girl,

And you really liked her,

And you know that
she liked you back...

Plus, the fact that you
could die any second...

Wouldn't you just wanna
push the wookie off the console

And do it?!

Right there.

They had the perfect
chance and did nothing.

I just think that...

Grrr! Aah!

Hit her with a chair!

Pig! You're a pig!

I'll rip your head off your neck

And pull your lungs out
through your shoulders,

You little... You little stain!

Ohh! Aah!

Now you got her all riled up!

Good! It'll throw her
off her game! I hate her!

Hey, I could smell
your breath from here!

P.a. Announcer: attention
to mark healy!

Mr. Mark healy!

Aah! Ha ha ha!

I got picked! This is
beautiful! I got picked!

Hey, prepare to die, you bag!

Telephone call. Please
pick up the courtesy phone.

Mr. Mark healy, you
have a telephone call.

Damn!

I hope nothing's
wrong at the hospital.

Oh, who's calling,
baby, your mama?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Aah!

Grrr! Grrr!

Ohh!

Yeah, this is mark healy.

It's d.j.

Is everything ok?

Yeah, what's up, deej?
Look, this better be good,

'Cause if they called my name
here and I miss it, you're dead meat.

Mark, do you still
have that condom?

I can't hear you. What?

What is it? What? What?

I said, do you still
have that con...

Do you have that
glove, you know?

He's still... He's
looking for his gloves.

Oh, I hate that. It's worse
when you just lose one.

D.j., I have no idea
where your gloves are.

Why don't you try
the hall closet?

Oh, wait a minute.

The glove... The glove?
Oh, yeah, it's in my wallet.

Wait a minute. Well, there's
another package in papa bear's den.

What the hell are
you talking about?

Your dad's sock
drawer. Papa bear's den.

How do you know
there's one there?

Well, everybody knows that's
where bears stash them, man.

That's where me and goldilocks
used to find them all the time.

All right,

No problem, baby bear. Later.

You're sure that
everything's ok?

Yeah. D.j. Just wanted a condom.

What?

P.a. Announcer: ladies
and gentlemen!

Tonight's lucky
audience winner is...

Jackie harris!

Are you ready to wrestle?

Wow! Wow! Ohh!

Ok, boys, read 'em and weep!

Oh, no!

Where in the world did you
learn to play cards like that?

Oh, darling, please.

All those years I spent in reno.

I mean, after the show is over,

There is nothing to do but
play cards or hit the buffets.

Well, you must give us a chance
to win some of our money back.

What do you have in mind?

No! No more cards. Please, I'm
going to be seeing queens in my sleep.

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, now you
sound like my scotty.

Oh, will you be quiet.

You have quite a
cheeky attitude.

Wait a minute, I have an idea.

I have an idea, boys.

How about we have a
show tune trivia challenge?

Yes! Hear! Hear!

That sounds like
fun. Who goes first?

I... I... Me me!

No, me! I will. I will.

Ok, um...

[Whispering] help me, honey.

Yes, good.

Um, what tune was cut
from a little night music?

Out of town tryouts or broadway?

Hello! Hello!

Ha ha ha ha.

Damn! She is good!

Whoo!

Uh, anyone for martinis?

Great idea, bev. I will
make them. I will make them.

Uh, scotty, are you having...

I thought you'd never ask,

And you're only having
one tonight, mister.

Mr. Stick in the mud.

How about you, joycey?

You know what I'd
love? A big fat bourbon.

Oh, you go, girl.

How do you like it?

I like my whiskey
like I like my women:

Smooth bodied
and, uh, well-aged.

Sock drawer. Sock drawer.

Which one's the sock drawer?

Ooh, I'm not thinking about
my parents having sex.

I'm not thinking about
my parents having sex!

Ho ho! Ho ho!

Ho-ho?

Ewww!

"tv guide th
anniversary issue."

It's a special
collector's edition?

Hey, my water g*n!

So that's where he put it.

Dad has his own
tv remote in here?

What is that? Whoa.

"To my dearest dan.
Thanks for everything.

Julie newmar."

Mmm!

Julie newmar.

Are we gonna...

No, wait a minute, that's
too low. Wait, wait, wait!

♪ Ever since this world began ♪

Whoo, honey!

♪ There is nothing sadder than ♪

♪ A one-man woman ♪

♪ Lookin' for the man ♪

♪ Who got ♪

♪ A-way ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I can't stand it! I
sang with joyce!

Oh, leon, you have
a fabulous voice.

Oh, honey, you should hear
him sing don't rain on my parade.

Scott, please! Please!

Honey, you can come to the
club and sing any time you want.

No, no, no. You are the diva.

I'm an amateur. I'm
just an amateur.

There is one star when
you're on stage, honey.

Oh, that's it. You're
it, sweetheart.

Who wants another martini?

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Let's all have .

All right, well, listen, people.

Joyce may be the
singer of the group...

Leon, I told you...
Is your limit tonight.

Ha ha ha ha.

You remember what happened
at the ymca fund-raiser.

Everyone was
taking something off.

But we... We haven't been allowed
back in the olympic pool since.

Well, I hate that place.

Get that bottom over there.

I hate that place anyway.

They were so cruel.

Joyce may be the singer,
my hat's off to you,

But can she dance?

Ohh! Ohh!

♪ Da da da ♪

Come on!

Come on, get in here, -feet.

♪ Da da da ♪

♪ Da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪

Again! We should... We
should have a group.

A wonderful idea!

We could call
ourselves " girls ."

That's girls with a "z."

Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, what am i... Ha ha ha ha.

k*ll her, jackie! Give
her the eye gouge!

I used to be a cop!

I used to be a cop!

Aah!

Ohh!

Oh, you... That's it!

What are you doing?

Jackie, let me in there!

Let me in there!

Let me in!

Let me... I wanna come in!

Tag me! Tag me!

Tag me! Aah!

Jackie! Tag me, jackie!

Jackie! Tag... Tag me!

Jackie, tag me!

Tag me, jackie!

Tag me! Jackie, tag me!

Tag me! Tag me!

No!

D.j., Is something wrong?

Why? Ha ha.

Well, I mean, you just keep on
getting up and leaving me here.

Are you trying to
tell me something?

No, i... I was just, you know...

D.j., D.j., Um, just
so you know,

Like for future reference,

I have some condoms
in my backpack.

You do? Ha ha.

Yeah. My mom makes
me carry them around.

She says it makes
her feel protected.

So... So you... You
ever use them?

No. I was actually
kind of saving them,

You know, for something special.

That's a good idea. I mean,
some thing's ought to be special.

Yeah. So if you and I
ever decide to use them,

I guess we'll be prepared.

So you won't have
to go calling mark

Or looking through
your dad's drawers.

[Nervous giggle]

That's good, 'cause there's
nothing but ho-ho's in there anyway.

D.j., You're not upset we didn't
do anything tonight, are you?

No. Actually, I'm... I'm...
I'm kind of relieved.

Me, too.

[Sighs]

It's getting late.

I'll walk you home.

No, that's ok. I got my bike.

Ok. Well, call me as soon as
you get there so I know you're ok.

All right.

To tell you the
truth, black widow,

I always thought those professional
wrestling matches were fake.

Well, yeah, that's true for
the guys like rowdy roddy piper,

But when we women
fight, it's for real.

Yeah, well, I guess
I know that now.

Hey, um, listen,

I'm sorry you didn't
get a cr*ck at me.

Oh, that's ok. I mean,
if this stuff is real,

I could see why you wouldn't
want to wrestle a guy anyway.

Oh, yeah?

Let's go.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

You know, I carry most of
my strength in my forearms.

I got , bucks
on the black widow.

All right, popeye, let's go.

Ok.

Now, uh, don't hold
back 'cause I'm a woman.

[Straining] oh, ok.

All right. You got me, buddy.

[Hoarse] chicks.

Get that for me,
would you, d.j.?

I'd like to apologize
for my family.

I'm sure every
idiot who meets you

Wants to see if
they can take you.

Hey, ev... Oh!

Oh, my god!

Black widow?!

I... I saw you on tv.

Get up, mark.

I've always wanted to do this!

Ok.

All right.

You ready?

Yeah.

Go.