09x22 - Arsenic and Old Mom

[bunniefuu]

[Doorbell rings]

Dan, wake up.

Somebody's at the door.

Mmm-ahh.

Dan, wake up.

Who the hell could it be at...

: In the morning?

[Doorbell rings]

I don't know,

But whoever it is,
they're not going away.

Oh, I had the weirdest dream.

It was... I finished my boat.

Yeah, that really was a dream.

I caught this big
fish with teeth,

And it kept biting me.

I think it was a barracuda.

Anyway, it wouldn't
stop biting me.

What do you think that means?

Mom!

♪ If what doesn't k*ll
us is makin' us stronger ♪

♪ We're gonna last longer ♪

♪ Than the greatest
wall in china ♪

♪ Or that rabbit with a drum ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that I've learned ♪

♪ While waiting for my turn ♪

♪ It's that in each
life some rain falls ♪

♪ But you also get some sun ♪

♪ And we'll make
out better than ok ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Yeah, any day ♪

Mom, why didn't you call us

And tell us you'd been released?

Well, there's only one
phone for the patients,

And that mrs. Dempsey,
the one with alzheimer's,

She refused to get off the phone

Until she remembered
who she was talking to, so...

So I just... I gave
up, and I hit the road.

Well, we're very happy
to see you, audrey,

But we could have picked
you up at the airport.

Oh, I didn't fly. I came by bus.

The bus?!

Mom, we... We've got money now.

We... We could've
flown you here.

Yeah, first class.

Slippers, hot towels,

The works.

No, heavens no, dear.

I had a lovely seat on
the bus, and besides...

I can't go to the
bathroom on a plane.

Th-those big blue
blocks of poo-poo

That fall off from the sky...

And they k*ll people.

I don't want to be responsible.

Mom, are... Are
you sure you're ok?

Oh.

Oh, don't worry about me, dear.

I'm just so happy to
be out of that place.

I really miss the simple things,

You know, like sitting down

To a cup of tea
with my family...

And having a fork.

You know, you never know how
much you miss the simple things

Until they're wrenched
from your hand.

So, w-what did the doctors say?

Do you need any follow-up?

No, they said I'm well. Voilä!

[Laughs]

Yes, I don't need to
go back there anymore.

I'm % completely cured.

Yes, i... In fact, i...

I don't think I ever
needed to be there.

Don't worry, we'll take very
good care of your mother.

[Chuckles]

[Both laughing]

Well...

That's great.

I'd skip and leap
around with glee,

But it's, uh, :
in the morning.

Come on, audrey. Let me
show you to your room.

Oh, no, dear. D-don't bother.

I'll just sit here and
wait for you to wake up.

My son...

I gave you life...

And you've made my life...

What it is today.

Well, we're gonna
hit the hay! Um...

Honey.

First thing in the morning,

I'm calling the doctor.

There. There.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Yeah, yeah, dr. Esterhaus?

Hi. This is dan conner,

Audrey conner's son.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Um, uh, the reason
I'm calling is because...

My mother showed
up here last night,

And, uh, i...

Oh, you did?

Ok. So everything's
all right, then?

Ok, fine. We were
just a little worried

Because she showed up here

In the middle of
the night and, uh...

Ok, well, yeah. Thank you.

I guess that's all
I needed to know.

Thanks.

So, what'd the doctor say?

He said he signed the
release form himself.

She's gonna be fine

As long as she keeps
taking her medication.

See, honey, I told you.

Everything's ok. You got
nothing to worry about.

She's as normal as you or me.

[Loud pounding]

Dan: mom.

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

What are you doing?

Just whacking some nuts.

Um, you're cooking?

Y-you don't know how to cook.

Well, of course I do, dear.

I read somewhere
if you can read,

You can cook.

I'm making some pancakes
for my danny-boy.

♪ Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the
pipes are smiling ♪

Is that, uh, is that batter

Supposed to be
all lumpy like that?

Dear, those are just the nuts.

Well, it looks yummy yummy,

But, uh, I'm afraid I
can't eat pancakes.

What?

I'm on kind of a diet.

Oh, come on.

One isn't going to k*ll you.

No. I gotta be good,

But, uh, I'm sure the
rest of the family

Will just love it.

No!

This was meant for you,

And if you're not
going to have it,

Then nobody else
is going to have it.

Oh, I had such a wonderful
time this afternoon.

Darlene and david's
little girl is so beautiful.

Yeah, she sure is.

That little girl's gonna
break a lot of hearts.

Yes. Children are good
at that, aren't they?

This is so nice, isn't it,

Just being together like this?

Sure is.

Yes. When you were a little boy,

You'd come put
your head in my lap,

And we'd just sit
and talk things.

Yeah.

Do you remember
when I used to bring you

Out to the parties
to do the twist?

Oh, and one time...

One time you... You threw
up on your father's boss.

Yeah!

Mr... Mr. Creighton, remember?

Yeah, mr. Creighton.

I had that real bad flu,

And you dragged me out of bed.

It was almost like you wanted me

To throw up on mr. Creighton.

You hated him.

No, I didn't hate him, dear.

I thought he was a moron.

There's a big difference.

You see, when you hate someone,

Well, you almost have this...

Violent feeling,

But when you think
they're morons,

You just hope for their
unhappiness and failure.

That's the difference,

But you never listened
to your old mother.

Yeah. That was the most
humiliating night in my life.

Not as humiliating

As trying to eat a
steak with a spoon

In a cafeteria with a
bunch of nervous patients.

Doctor: we'll take very
good care of your mother.

Mom, what do you... What do
you say we bury the hatchet?

Ahh.

I didn't know you had a hatchet.

Where is it, dear?

Mom, i-it's just an expression.

We don't... We don't
have a hatchet.

It means we just stop arguing.

Oh, dear, we're not arguing.

We understand each
other perfectly.

At least, I understand you.

You've never understood me.

You always...

Overreacted to my
little eccentricities.

And if you throw
someone into the hospital,

Be sure you get
a second opinion.

Ahh.

Well, my, wasn't
that a nice chat?

[Yawning] I think that I'll
just go and take a little nap.

Dear, tell me, do you
have a space heater?

Because it gets so
chilly in the basement.

Yeah. I... I think we got
one out in the garage.

Thank you.

[Door closes]

[Engine running]

Jeez.

[Door locks]

[Coughing]

Ho!

Help!

Help!

Now, the point is to sit
close enough to the movie

So it fills your
whole field of vision,

But the trade-offs are
a foreshortened image

And an unoptimal
reception of the thx sound.

My goodness. In my day,

We just worried about sitting
behind somebody with a hat.

Prozac, lithobid, xanax.

You've got a pretty
good mix there.

Not polite to read

Somebody else's
prescription labels, dear.

Oh, well, I didn't
read the labels.

I recognized the pills.

You... You... You've
taken these?

No, my mom has,

Plus marinol, xanax, rispenol,

Haldol, thorazine, you name it.

My goodness, what
does she need them for?

Oh, she's a little whacked.

You know, so
whenever she felt bad,

She'd just pop
every pill and hope

That one of them would
make her feel better.

You know, heather, we gotta go.

D.j., The movie's not
for another hours.

Are we really that late?

What on earth are you kids
having to leave so early for?

We're gonna go see
return of the jedi.

Yeah, you must have
heard of it, grandma.

It's a late-seventies
sci-fi genre pic.

So were star wars,

And the empire strikes back,

And you weren't nearly
as excited to see them.

Yeah, well, this does have a
few features the other lack.

Yeah, like what?

Well, you know,

Advancements in special effects

And sound quality

And a whole lot of scenes

With princess leia in a bikini.

What'd you do that for?

I'm sorry. I don't
know why I did that.

What's going on?

I thought I heard
glass breaking.

You didn't hear me yelling?

I couldn't get the door open.

Well, to go out a door,

You do what you did to
get in, only backwards.

Honey, this is serious.

Somebody turned
the motorcycle on...

And if I hadn't
broken that glass,

I would've d*ed in there.

Well, yeah, or you could just

Have turned the motorcycle off.

I did. By then, the whole
place was filled with exhaust.

Well, I always said that
motorcycle was dangerous.

You know what?

I don't think this
was an accident.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, dan.

You probably just
locked yourself in there.

Somebody had to close that door.

Doors don't just
shut by themselves.

Somebody like the wind?

Yes, and I suppose mr. Wind
started the motorcycle up, too.

Honey...

I think my mom's
trying to k*ll me.

Ok. Don't be ridiculous, dan.

How much of that
exhaust did you breathe in?

Apparently, not as
much as she wanted.

That is crazy.

Why would she do
something like that?

She's still mad at me for
putting her in the hospital.

That was over years ago.

I'm sure she's over it by now.

I think she's still
got it in for me.

You know, you really need
to stop blaming your mother

For all of your problems.

Honey, the woman just
got out of the hospital.

Yeah. out.

Remember?

The doctor told us she was fine.

No, the doctor
told us she was fine

As long as she keeps
taking her medication.

Maybe... Maybe she's stopped.

Well, I really think that you're
worried about nothing, dan,

But, uh, just to be safe,

Maybe you want to start
carrying around a whistle.

Hey, come on, heather, let's go.

God, would you relax?

We've got plenty of time.

No, we don't. The
lanford sci-fi club

Has been lined up
since yesterday.

Wait, shouldn't you
leave those swords here?

You certainly can't take
them to the theater with you.

Yeah, we can. They're just toys.

Besides, I'd like to see them

Try and take it away from me.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, d.j.

Let's see who the real
jedi knight is. Ha ha.

Grandma, this is not real.

Hand on your hip like
errol flynn. I'll get you.

Stop, grandma! k*ll, k*ll.

I surrender. k*ll, k*ll.

Let me surrender.

Aah!

Dan: ma. Mom!

Mom! Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, oh, hello.

Is... Isn't it time for
your medication?

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me.

Here, audrey, let me
get you a glass of water.

Oh, my, my.

I'd be lost without you two.

I'd hate to forget my pills.

Ok.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Hey, honey!

Where's that big white towel?!

It's in the linen cabinet,

Only it's a gray towel now.

I just can't believe it
when people don't see

What's right in
front of their face.

Well, that was just marvelous.

I don't remember the park
having that many flowers.

Well, the last
time we went, uh...

Wait a minute.

Have we ever been
to that park before?

Pfft.

Oh, it's so relaxing

Just being outdoors
on a lovely spring day.

Thank you very
much for taking me.

Oh, I'm glad you
enjoyed it, audrey.

I'm gonna make
a nice pot of tea.

See, dan, I told you

Your mother's totally fine.

You just totally overreacted.

Yeah. I... I gotta admit

She was great today.

The kids were probably
just playing in the garage,

Turned the bike on, and
forgot to turn it off.

Your mom had
nothing to do with it.

You're probably right.

Yeah. What was I thinking?

I don't know,

But least now you
don't have to worry.

You can relax and
enjoy your mom's visit.

I'm gonna go put
jerry down for a nap.

Dan, I made you some...

Whoa!

Wherever did you get
this lovely thing, dear?

Look. Look how it
looks like a rainbow

With the lights coming through.

Sure does.

You always did love
art, didn't you, dear?

I did?

Darling...

You remember the lovely
necklace that I promised you

When I was making macramé

From the tea-bag strings?

Oh, m... Aah.

Roseanne: what the?

What is happening?

Oh, just reminiscing. Art, art!

Reminiscing, my ass!

That woman's trying to k*ll me.

I'm telling you it was her
that shut that garage door.

That's it. I'm calling
the hospital.

She's going back.

Don't call the hospital, dan!

They could take
away any one of us!

Oh, roseanne.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

Ahh. I thought you were dan.

Audrey, what are you doing?

Oh, I didn't get much
exercise at the hospital.

Ok. You're gonna think
this sounds crazy, you know,

But dan thinks you're
trying to k*ll him.

Oh, no.

Dear, no.

I'm not going to k*ll him.

I'm going to bury him alive.

You know.

Ok. I know you're kidding

When you say stuff
like that, you know,

But it's really spooking dan.

Oh, yes, dear.

I considered spooking him

To try to make him have
another heart att*ck,

But then I knew I
couldn't count on that,

So, you see, now
I'm very excited

About burying him alive.

[Laughs]

Now you're spooking me.

No. Roseanne,

Dan has to pay,

Pay for locking me up.

I was there for years.

I was there for years,

And I was stifled
and suffocated,

And I was kept in the dark,

And now...

I've fallen in love with the...

Bury-him-alive plan.

No, you... You can't be serious.

I am serious.

Anyway, he's taken away my life.

Now, I'm going to take away his.

Oh. Ohh.

Ah.

Oh, it's such a lovely
night for it, don't you think?

Uh?

Ok. That's enough.

Ok. Now, give me...
Give me the shovel.

No. No! I need this

To whack him on the
head and stun him.

Oh. No, but then...

Then I'll give you the shovel,

And then you can help me
bury him alive if you'd like.

Ok, that's enough talk
about burying dan alive, ok?

Just give me the shovel.

No! Come on, give
me the damn shovel.

Damn. Where... [Sniffs]

What is that? What is it?

Oh, my god.

Audrey, you set
fire to dan's boat?!

Yes, I did, because it is dan's!

[Yelling]

I'm gonna destroy...

I'm gonna destroy
all his things,

And then I'm gonna destroy him.

I'm not even gonna lie down.

If I do, he'll just put
me back in that hospital!

Why would he do that?

You're well now.

Aah!

Audrey.

No. No.

Audrey, what happened
out there in california?

Did you have one too many
frozen mocha frappaccinos?

Can't have my sock.

Give my sock back.

You best... Best...

Bitch.

Rrr.

So cool of grandma

To build us this barbecue pit.

Yeah.

I haven't had s'mores
since I was a brownie.

This is fun.

Why don't you two go
get the graham crackers?

How are you doing there, audrey?

Oh, just wonderful,

Now that they've
tripled my dosage,

I feel so much better.

That's great.

But, mom, remember,

You gotta keep at it.

Oh, don't worry, dear.

No more trying to k*ll my danny.

Ok. Who's ready?

Oh, I am.

I am, I am, I am.

Aha, aha, aha. Oh.

There. Mmm. Hmm hmm.

Ah. Mmm. Mmm.

Delicious.

Ooh. This is so much better

Than trying to make
them with a hair dryer.

Mmm. Mmm.

I was just thinking
that same thing.

Dan.

Hmm?

Your mom's out of
her freaking mind.

Roseanne, people
with glass mothers

Shouldn't throw stones.