01x10 - Paradox

[bunniefuu]

MAN:
Sure this thing is gonna work?

Your time machine has cost
the U.S. Government

a pretty penny,
doctor.

The Chrono-logger is hardly a
time machine

in the sense of a vehicle,

but rather a subatomic drill

designed to bore a tunnel
in the fabric of space-time.

As to cost,
I think the alleviation

of untold human suffering

throughout history is
ample justification, General.

It'll also give our
red buddies overseas

a thing or two
to think about.

But to answer your first
question,

there is only one way
to find out.

You're certain we're safe,
doctor?

I'm not certain of anything,
Hugo,

but the chrono-magnetic field

we've generated should
protect us.

Doctor, I-- I'm frightened.

Have a gumball.

It'll calm your nerves.

[loud roaring ]

KEVIN:
You didn't need to come.

Gwen and I could've handled
this alone.

It's nothing, really.

BEN:
Doesn't sound like nothing.

Weird noises, unearthly lights,

rumors of weird creatures out here?

Yeah, the dudes I heard it
from aren't totally reliable.

Isn't that, like, a big
bad-boy thing to do --

come out here to the ghost town
to drag-race?

How should I know?

I just know them from auto shop.

Grandpa Max said
Los Soledad

used to be a big m*llitary base
back in the ' s.

Some kind of research facility.

Yeah.

Must've been some pretty serious
research.

Check out these walls.

years later and there's still
no way in.

No way.

These weren't here.

[tires screech ]

GWEN:
Did anyone notice some of them

are vaguely person-shaped?

Weird.

Maybe something --
I don't know --

b*rned through the wall.

Like what?

The same thing that b*rned these
weird trails everywhere.

Look.

BEN:
This is a bird.

And these are lizard bones.

They're fossilized.

And they're not
the only thing.

It's like someone turned this slate
into sand just by standing on it.

He was probably on hold.

The trail goes to the
police station, then to those --

I guess they're apartments.

KEVIN:
Just to review,
someone stood here

a million years ago and then
walked to those buildings

that were built
years ago?

You are not helping.

These could be signs of serious
DNAlien activity,

and it's up to us --

DNAliens are not doing this.

Does that look like DNAlien to you?

KEVIN:
Finally something
worth the gas.

Chromastone!

Look out!

Gone.

At least the building
it destroyed wasn't the library.

You really love the books.

She's saying we have to research,

find out what that
thing is.

All we know so far

is that it's looking for
something here on the base.

GWEN:
These films are really corroded,
but it looks like

this base was built for some
kind of

time experiment called project
Paradox.

Who wouldn't pick the desert

outside Bellwood to do
top-secret research?

They built it here because of
the huge quartz deposits.

Quartz time?

Maybe they were trying to build
the world's biggest wristwatch.

BEN:
His name's been
censored.

Whoever he was, his paradox
theory was the basis

of some kind of experimental
tunnel through time.

KEVIN:
Looks like my place

after that big party I threw
last weekend.

Look.
That thing has been here, too.

Only one trail.

It either came in here and
vanished...

Or it was born here.

[loud rumbling ]

Swampfire!

Got you.

"Swampfire."

That takes me back.

Or is it forward?

It's so hard to tell, Ben.

Have we met?

How do you know my name?

Have we met yet,I suppose
the question was.

Hey, it's that dork
from the photo, the paradox guy.

You haven't changed at
all in years.

Oh, considerably more than that.

Gumball?

No, thanks.

Who are you?

What's your name?

You just read my file.

I was rather hoping you could
tell me.

It slipped my mind several
hundred years ago.

Did he just say
"several hundred years"?

Did you just say --
hey.

By the way, you didn't happen
to see a space-time

anomaly around here,
did you --

about ye big, incredibly
destructive,

virtually unstoppable?

No, I must've been thinking of
another moment.

Ta-ta!

Where'd he...

He's out there.

He's obviously
connected to that creature.

We need to talk to him.

KEVIN:
Oh, yeah, we'll talk.

Right after the pounding!

Huh?

Was I in there?

That was public property,
you know.

How does he move so fast?

You mean,
how do I move so quickly?

It's called "walking."

Strolling, really.

That's better.

Easy on the jacket.

It's , years old.

Anyway, thanks.

"Thanks"?
For what?

Well, I had a feeling if we
made a loud enough racket,

he'd show up.

Finally something we
can hit.

Oh, I really don't think
that's a good idea.

GWEN:
Those trails.

They're not burn marks.

They're...age.

The creature accelerates time.

Very good.

KEVIN:
Not so fast, ugly!

Aah!

[gasps ]
Kevin!

GWEN:
Kevin!

Just touching that thing
aged him , years.

We've got to get him to a
hospital.

What are you doing?

Get your hands off me.

Come on, Kevin, we're
gonna get you some help.

What do you mean,
"help"?

I'm gonna kick that thing's keister!
Oy!

Are you okay?

My back is k*lling me.

My legs ache.

And what's up with these shoes?

Is it too much to ask for a
little support?

GWEN:
He's like a real irritable,

short-tempered,
crotchety old man.

Why are you whispering?!

In other words, aside
from the male-pattern baldness,

he's pretty much the same as
always.

Come on, old man.

I'll take those.

What do you think
you're doing?

Driving.

Don't even think about it.

You don't have a license.

Grandpa Max taught me,
and it's an emergency.

You're nearsighted, arthritic,
your reflexes are sh*t,

and you're trying
to unlock a cactus.

[engine turns over, revs ]

You should've gone out with me
when I was young and handsome.

You were too immature.

What about now?

Too old.

Whoops!

It's not a bumper car!

GWEN:
Back up, back up, back up!

Ben, on the right!

[tires screeching ]

No! No!

Not the car!

Not the car!

Hang on.

[tires screeching ]

You are never driving
my car again!

True.

PROFESSOR:
Where have you been?

You were supposed to get here
six seconds ago.

Or it this thing running fast?

Who are you, anyway?

What are you doing here?

What is that creature?

Can you fix my car?

There's something different
about you.

Is it your hair?

Yeah, I'm parting it
down the middle now,

and I also got real old!

Don't talk to me about old.

I walk in eternity.

Well, you better start
running in eternity, smart guy!

Hmm. You might slow us down.

I need to fix that.

We'll come back right over there.

Kevin.

I can't believe it.

You're good as new.

Well, my back still
hurts a little.

If I could just lean on you...

All right, professor, if you
wouldn't mind fixing my car.

How exactly do you expect me
to do that?

I'm a time traveler,
not a body shop.

Regressing a car would break all
the chronal laws

of space-time and --

Okay! Enough!
I want answers -- now.

Same old Ben Tennyson.

You're even more like yourself
now than you were in the future,

which, for obvious reasons,
I can't really tell you about.

You want me to hurt him?

What can you tell us,
Mister...Paradox?

Paradox.

Oh, yes, that'll do.

That'll do very nicely.

I'll tell you my story in a way
you can understand --

with a beginning, middle,
and end.

We'll start in the middle.

Los Soledad was built entirely

because of my ingenious
theory --

a time tunnel utilizing the
properties I discovered

in quartz crystals
which would allow us access

to past and future events.

KEVIN:
Yeah, well, for a genius,
looks like you blew it.

PARADOX:
You don't know the half of it.

Some tiny miscalculation on my
part destabilized the experiment

and ripped a hole in the fabric
of reality.

I was hurled into the event
horizon.

I must've spent
, years there.

I didn't age or need
to sleep or eat.

Just exist.

KEVIN:
[ chuckles ]
Sounds pretty boring.

PARADOX:
At first I went mad, of course,
but after a few millennia,

I got bored with that, too,
and went sane --

very sane.

I began to learn.

I now have total understanding
of the space-time continuum,

allowing me to travel anywhere
and anywhen I want,

within reason.

So, where's your time
machine?

He doesn't have a time
machine.

He has a map in his head.

Exactly.

I know where all the shortcuts are.

I've spent a dozen lifetimes
crisscrossing the time stream,

making it a better place.

And how does that pay?

At the moment, not even in
job satisfaction.

You see, I recently discovered
that some kind of

extradimensional creature

is going to wreak havoc across
the universe.

BEN:
So?

Way you talk, you take on
monsters like this all the time.

Why is this one so bad?

Because unlike the thousands
of foes I faced before,

this extradimensional creature
came into our plane of reality

the moment my
experiment went awry.

Oh.

So, just to be clear,
it's your fault.

This creature hasn't been lurking
around here for years.

We would know about it.

Time is like a river.

It moves, flows, and bends.

years ago,
I accidentally set off

a depth charge in that river.

The creature I released was
blasted years through time

to your present,
doing this to your future.

GWEN:
But all it's doing is
messing up an old army base.

Why is that a problem at all?

Why not just leave it alone?

That's a better question for
the man on the moon.

What?

Who's the man on the moon?

I am.

We're on the moon.

No, we're on the moon in your
distant future.

What?!

How are we not suffocating?

Good question.

Not remotely the point, though.

Imagine what the Earth would
look like in years, say,

with that time monster wandering
all over it,

aging everything
that crossed its path to dust.

For those of you with
no imagination,

the Earth is up there.

You brought us to the worst
possible version of the future.

No.

Should I fail to stop that
creature,

this is your best
possible future.

Not a pretty sight, is it?

What are you doing here?

I'm allowing myself to feel
the full impact of my failure.

Okay. Who's he?

He's a parallel paradox.

Young Ben has an innate sense
of transtemporal metaphysics,

which will serve him well in his
future --

or should I say "past."

And I drive good, too.

We can breathe on
the moon in the future,

but you can't fix my car?

What should I do?

Well,
obviously not what I did.

But whatever you do,
you better do it quickly.

Time is running out.

Why come back here?

Why don't we travel back in time

and stop the time experiment
from ever happening?

Isn't it just like an energy being

to think outside temporal
conventions?

I'm not an energy --

The experiment that releases
the creature also unsticks me

in time,
and that must happen because

[chuckles]
in all modesty...

You save the world
dozens of times.

Hundreds, actually.

In fact, on one occasion,
you and I worked together

to save the entire univ--
never mind.

It should be here any --

[loud rumbling ]

You could set your watch by it.

Jetray!

They hit it?

Doesn't everything age

into oblivion as soon as they
touch it?

Gumballs last a really long time.

Look under your desk at school.

Now, get back!

Let go!
He'll age you into dust!

I exist outside of time.

Well, I can still feel the eons
passing.

Paradox, take us back to
the accident -- now.

But I told you!

Just do it!

Kevin, Gwen --
the lab.

Quick!

You just keep that thing
occupied.

K-keep it occupied?

I'm a time-traveling hero.

I don't keep things occupied.

GENERAL:
Sure this thing is gonna work?

Your time machine has cost

the U.S. Government a pretty
penny, doctor.

As to cost, I think the
alleviation of untold

human suffering throughout history
is ample justification, General.

Why would it use the phone?

What?

The creature.
It tried to use the pay phone.

Then it went to the police station,
then the dorms.

It didn't act like some
unfathomable

transdimensional creature.

It did everything a normal
person would do...

If they suddenly found
themselves

in an abandoned
m*llitary base.

[time tunnel whirring ]

Look there.

The assistant.

Aah!

[ yelling ]

Ben, you'll get sucked
in along with him!

I need to put on a
little weight.

[loud roaring ]

Humongousaur!

Whoa!

Trust me.

This beats the alternative.

Hugo!

Of course.

If it were a snake,
it would've bit me.

But don't look so smug.

I would've figured it out
eventually.

You had , years!

PARADOX:
Well, I have to admit it.

I'm impressed.

All those centuries trapped in
the Event Horizon,

and it never occurred to me that
the accident wasn't my fault.

You're much smarter than you
were when I met you later.

Thanks...I guess.

What happened to him,
your assistant?

I lived my life.

Hugo!

How are you?

Well, you look the same, and
I haven't seen you in years.

Well, I haven't seen you in
, years,

but you don't look that bad.

How was your life?

Good, a good life.

But I'm --
I'm sorry about the experiment.

I ruined everything.

I never got to time-travel.

Would you still like to?

Yes.

I'm not afraid anymore.

Glad to hear it.

How about I give you
a behind-the-scenes look at eternity?

At least he's got
company now.

Oh, and thanks for stranding

us out here in
the middle of nowhere!

Come on.

We've got a long walk home.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Stoked!

It looks like new.

It doesn't just look
like new.

It is new.

It's factory-new from years ago.

Paradox, I take back everything
I was about to say about you.

"Kevin, try to keep in mind

that if this car comes into
contact with anything else

from ,
it will explode like antimatter.

Enjoy!
Paradox."

He's kidding, right?

That's some kind of time-travel
joke, right?

Isn't it...guys?