02x22 - Papa Don't Fiend Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

HAM: Zoya's new dinner items
are fun.

"I Gnocchi
What You Did Last Summer"?

Ooh, and a sequel dish,

"I Dill Know What You Did
Last Sandwich."

It seems like she gave up
halfway down.

- "Okay Hamburger"?
- Sounds delicious.

Nothing is more appetizing
than honesty.

[door opens] Oh, look.
Wolf and Honeybee are here.

I hope they sit with us.

JUDY: Uh, yeah, Ham.
They're meeting us here.

- Oh, score!
- Sorry we're late.

We had car trouble...

is what I would say if I was lying.
But we're late because

we were picking up
that big mamma blamma.

- HAM: Whoa!
- JUDY: So shiny.

It's like a mini fridge
you can live inside.

Oh, no. Are you moving away
for a life on the road?

Please come back, son.
Please come home.

Dad, relax.
I know you probably forgot

because you're too humble
to celebrate yourself,

but this Sunday is my
favorite holiday. Father's Day.

And that memory-maker is
all ours for a full three days.

- Drumroll, please, Honeybee.
- Drum sounds.

Surprise.
We're all going to Family Land

for the Father's Day
Festival Weekend.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

I mean, um, um...
Oh, great. Let's go.

Is Family Land
a land made of families?

- Like a graveyard or something?
- No, Moon.

Fam Land
is an RV park and the site

of our most epic
Father's Day trip ever,

when I was ten and you
weren't even born yet.

Sadly, we had to leave
early last time because of

a dingy-dangy forest fire, but
it's time for our glorious return.

I don't know, son.

Maybe we should
give it a few more years.

Really make sure
that fire is out.

Dad, we know you don't
feel like you deserve

a flashy Father's Day,
but you totally do.

You're rad as hell.

Ham, I was thinking
since we both love

Matthew McConaughey's
RV makeover show

Trailure To Launch, we can
try our hand at some RV rehab.

Sweet. It's amazing
how a few throw pillows

can take a mobile home
from trailer

to "slightly nicer than a trailer."

- [groans]
- Dad, you okay?

Yes.
I am just so excited I feel sick.

Well, let's raise a toast
to the granddaddy of all dads:

- Dad.
- Yeah! [whooping]

[moans]

♪ Camping with our dad ♪

♪ We're camping with our dad ♪

♪ We're farting up the RV ♪

♪ We're camping with our dad,
hey, dad! ♪

So, what kind of TC you got
on that nasty boy?

What?

You know, TC, aka tow cap
aka towing capacity

on your nasty boy
aka pickup truck?

- Oh. I don't know.
- Oh, totally.

Well, time to sink my slinky stinky.

You know, the hose that goes
from the RV toilet

into the ground. Yeah, I...
Oh, uh...

Cool, see you around, bud.

Aw, man, everyone here
is so nice.

Well, I'm gonna
go poke around the woods.

Okay, but be careful, bud.

You got to watch out
for those rascals.

There are no skunks in Alaska.

Well, turns out
they sh*t a straight-to-video

Noah's Ark movie
with Ray Liotta nearby,

and a bunch of the skunk doubles
got loose and mated like crazy.

You know, like when
actors hook up on set.

If you stay in character,
it's not considered cheating.

I lost track
of what you were talking about,

- but I'll be on the lookout.
- [gasps] Oh, I can feel it.

This RV adventure has
"brief yet formative romance"

written all over it, so
I better bust out my poetry pad

and think up some rhymes
for the word "heaving."

Oh, okay, how about,
uh, uh, heaving?

Wolf, I just said "heaving."

No bad ideas
in a brainstorm, Judy.

Hey, Dad, you want to come out
and take a walk around the park?

Maybe work on the father and son
strut I emailed you about?

I think I'll just stay inside here.

I found this receipt in my pocket,

and I really need to
review it right away.

Hmm, paper towels, $ . .
Oh, interesting.

Is it just me, or does it seem
like something's up with Dad?

Well, the last time we
were here, Mom was with us.

- He's probably just adjusting.
- Ah, I bet you're right.

Yeah, just gonna
give him a little time

while I go check out the
lake sitch. Maybe I'll make

some new friends I can do
a freestyle summer rap for.

Ooh, I'll come with.

Maybe my reckless fling is over
there getting a reckless sunburn.

Okay, okay.

Respectable stream work,
plenty of rocks. This will do.

Uh-oh.

Uh, sir?
I just want you to know

there's no reason to spray me
because I already respect you.

I mean, when you think about it,

there's no reason you and I
can't be friends, right?

Maybe if I give out
the right energy,

then you won't spray me.

Ow. Okay,
you took a little nibble.

That's probably my fault.
I'm assuming I'm delicious.

Then the trailer
started shaking,

I thought it was a bear,

but it was just Dorothy doing
her dang Zumba. [laughing]

Man, Dad should really be
out here, spinning yarns

and meeting
these other rad dads.

Ham and I tried
to get him to come,

but he said he had to swap
the laces on his boots

to give them
equal wear and tear.

That's weird. He usually

- does his lace rotations in winter.
- Oh. A boy my age. He noticed me.

And so it begins.
Oh, he's walking over.

I don't know if he's my type...
Oh...

[French accent]
Hello. I am Abelard.

[gasps] Hello, accent!
I mean, person boy.

And my name is "Joie-Dee."

Uh, I'm sorry. It's Judy.

Judy. What a lovely name.
Where are you visiting from?

Oh. Just here.
Boring old Alaska. Blah.

- Where are you from, Abelard?
- East Hawkesbury.

It is a French-speaking town
in Ontario, Canada.

Zou bisou bisou.
[chuckles]

Tell me, Abelard,
what life is like

[French accent]
in East Hawkesbury, Ontario.

[regular accent]
There must be, uh, I'm guessing,

so many petite cafes and, uh...
like, bicycle baskets?

Uh, well, there is a MacDonald,
and a Home De-peux,

- and a Boston Marche.
- Ooh, la, la.

Hey, Elwin.
How about a scary story?

- [whooping]
- Yeah.

Okay, quiet down, everybody.
If you have little ones,

you might want to take them
to bed,

for I am about
to tell you a story

that will chill you
to the bone marrow!

Ooh, a scary tale. Perhaps
we should hold the hands?

Yeah, well, my hand's
a little sweaty.

But you know what they say:
"damp hands, wet heart."

It was Sunday skit night,

and it was the most important
skit night of the season:

The Father's Day Follies.

After a wonderful evening
of light entertainment,

the families returned
to their trailers,

and that's when he struck.

The Fiend of Family Land.

The Fiend dropped a firecracker

down a septic t*nk,
and it set off a chain reaction.

First, one septic t*nk blew. Boom!
And then another. Boom!

And then another. Boom!
And then another! Boom!

Luckily, everyone's
trailers survived,

but the Fiend created
a stink so bad

Family Land was condemned
for the rest of the summer.

My wife Dorothy and I
had to spend

the rest of the season
at Family World.

Yeah, my husband divorced me
after the incident.

It was unrelated, but I
still associate the memories,

and it's traumatic.

The Fiend was a tall,
red-bearded man,

and we've never seen him
since he fled that night,

taking his three kids and his
beautiful blonde wife with him.

Red beard, three kids,
gorgeous blonde wife?

It can't be!

Oh, hello. I was just
reading my receipt again.

How was the bonfire?

Are you asking that
as my dad or as... as...

As what, son?

The Fiend, Beef?
The Fiend of Family Land?

[sighs] Yes, I am.
I am the Fiend.

Papa Do Fiend,
and we're in trouble deep.

It's all true. I exploded
the septic tanks. [sighs]

You see, the last time
we came to this park,

instead of being in
a Father's Day Follies skit

with her family, your mother
decided to perform in a skit

with three handsome men
from Montana.

The skit was an alternative
version of Annie.

Your mother played Daddy
Warbucks, but in a bikini.

Even though I was
disappointed, I thought

we would celebrate afterwards

with some Father's Day cupcakes,

but Kathleen said it was
customary to go out for drinks

with the cast and crew
after the show.

Which meant she went
to her costars' RV

to hang out and drink Zimas.

And on that Father's Day night,

I could hear them
jesting and laughing.

I swear they were listening
to some kind of circus music.

I just wanted to get her
out of there and remind her

of all the beautiful things
we had together,

like our kids, and the waffle maker.

I had brought some sparklers
along on the trip

because Wolf was really into
sparkler dancing at the time.

I was pretty good.
Wish I would have stuck with it.

I thought I could
do my own sparkler dance

outside the Montanan's trailer
to get Kathleen's attention.

- HONEYBEE: Oh, Beef, no.
- Yes. And by God, I sparkled.

I sparkled to b*at the band.

But then, I accidentally

flung a sparkler down
the Montanans' open septic t*nk.

It then caused every septic
t*nk in the park to blow up.

Dear God.

And a stink like I have never

smelled before or since
covered the park

like a bedsheet soiled
by the devil himself.

It was then that I was spotted
by many of the people

who still summer here to this day.

There's the culprit.
Fiend! Get him.

So I grabbed Kathleen
and we made a run for it.

She found the whole thing

so exciting that later
that evening we shared...

and I'm sorry to be so explicit...

a special moment together.

And exactly nine months later,
Moon was born.

- You're welcome.
- I told you kids

there was a looming forest
fire and we had to go,

but there was no forest fire.

Just a log fire.

Logs of human excrement.

- Hmm. A fire-arrhea.
- Indeed.

Once again, I have to say
what no one else is willing to:

- Yuck.
- So I've been hiding in here

because I'm afraid of what
people would say if they saw me.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

I can't believe
I made us come back here.

And now that holiest
of parent-themed days is ruined.

I guess I'm the real fiend.
The fiend of frigging Father's Day.

No, son.
If you guys are having fun,

then that's the best Father's
Day gift you could give me.

I'll have a good time in here
helping Ham and Honeybee

take this trailer from "okay for now"
to "hey, it's a wow."

Then I did a cannonball,
and this one kid

couldn't believe
how much water I splashed.

And I was like,
"I can do way more than that."

And he was like, "No way."

So then I did a side flop,
and I doubled my splash zone.

That's why my side is so red.

Are you sure you
don't want to come out

- for the Dads Dive Competition?
- Oh, no, I'm afraid, for me,

it would be
a Dads Die competition,

because of how I'd be drowned
by an angry mob.

Okay. Well, look out
at the pool in three minutes.

Special Father's Day
face flop just for you.

I brought you something from
the distributeur automatique.

Is it a necklace?
Oh, flaming hot corn bits.

Pepe le Please and thank you.

So, what's the art scene like
in Hawkesbury... transporting?

Uh, well, my uncle paints tractors.

Your uncle paints
paintings of tractors?

What a humble, gorgeous subject.
Does he show in a gallery?

- I had a great time, Abelard.
- I would like to invite you

to dinner at my family's
mobile home tomorrow.

Will your family mind
that I don't speak francais?

They will like you very much
because I like you very much.

- Mwah.
- Mwah.

- Alors, à plus tard.
- Cinnabon.

HAM: Now, I brought a
few of our tiny German

figurines from home to make
the space more personal.

But I'm just bamboozled
where to put them.

You guys got any good ideas?

What if we put Brunhelga
up on the sill

and little Pietr hiding
in a beer stein near the sink?

BEEF: May I be frank?
That's stunning.

Ah, my two youngest have returned.
We can have dinner now.

So, what did you all
get up to today?

I met a French boy from Canada
and I'm having dinner

with his family tomorrow
before the Father's Day Follies.

I also made a new friend.
William.

William?
He's not a grown-up, is he?

I'm guessing from his teeth
that William is about four.

Now, this is
a no-judgment zone,

but there is a very terrible
BO smell filling this trailer,

and it seems to be coming
from Dad's general vicinity.

Oh, uh, yes.
I've been cooped up all day,

so that indeed is the O of my B.

Once night falls, we'll
sneak you out to the shower.

You know what they say,

"You're never too old
to bathe your Dad."

Sweetie, no.

BEEF: Almost done, son.

Just finishing up
with the southern cheek area.

Oh, no.

Uh, uh, good evening, there,
Mister Kreb.

- What brings you to the showers?
- Gonna take a shower.

Very cool, but there's only one,

and it appears to be occupied.

- Okay. I'll stand here and wait.
- Perfect. Uh, so,

whoever is in there
should just dry off

and then probably use the
towel to cover his face

as he exits, and...
allow me to guide you, stranger.

That beard.
That height.

It's...
the Fiend! He returns!

Run, Dad!
Run like a fiend!

I mean, uh, not a fiend,
because he's not the Fiend.

Oh, no, his robe fell off.

Well, now that all the citizens
of Family Land

got a chance
to yell at Dad a lot last night,

they can spend today
getting to know the real Dad,

and the healing can begin.

- I hope you're right, son.
- It's a great time to try,

cause there's a ton of
Father's Day spirit in the air.

And, to help you out,
we're launching a pro-dad

guerilla-style marketing
campaign in the park.

Like Wendy's Twitter rap battle
with Wingstop. Everybody won.

Hey, did you hear about this
supposed Fiend of Family Land?

I heard he's actually rad,
through and through.

Maybe they should start calling
him the Friend of Family Land.

Well, this poster certainly
seems worth considering.

I heard that Fiend guy... he did
a triple flip into the pool.

He did? You know what?
I forgive him.

Guys, I don't think
anyone is listening to us.

Nope. Not one person.

Thanks for introducing me to
your friends. Mike seems cool.

You know, William,
I was thinking about us,

and getting to know you
has made me realize that...

♪ Friendship really knows
no smell ♪

♪ Who knew we could
get along so well ♪

♪ You're from a hole
yet I'm from a house ♪

♪ But it's obvious there'll be
no need for me to douse ♪

♪ Myself in tomato juice
which actually doesn't work ♪

♪ People at the campground,
they won't be afraid ♪

♪ They'll leave you a buffet
of trash and jugs of lemonade ♪

♪ "Skunk" won't be an insult,
not a put-down or a slur ♪

♪ It'll just mean a friend
who's got black-and-white fur ♪

- ♪ Friendship knows no scent ♪
- ♪ No, it really doesn't smell ♪

♪ You're not scary,
you're a perfect gent ♪

♪ The only thing
you spray me with is love ♪

♪ You're as kind as a kitten,
as reasonable as a dove ♪

♪ And now that we both
understand ♪

♪ You won't have to use ♪

♪ Your not-quite a**l glands ♪

♪ a**l glands ♪

♪ a**l glands. ♪

WOLF: So, we hit a couple snags,

one of them being that
everyone still hates you.

I'd know if I'd say hate.

- MAN: We literally hate you, Fiend.
- HONEYBEE: Guys, let's just leave.

We can be eating nachos
in our own kitchen by bedtime.

No. I can't
leave things like this.

I am a fiend for not
making it right all these years.

And even though
it makes me very nervous

to stand in front of people and talk,

I will go right now
to sign myself up

for the Father's Day Follies

and use my time
to make a sincere apology.

Aw, we can't let this happen.
Dad is a wack public speaker.

Remember when he tried to make
a suggestion at the PTA meeting

and all he could make
were Frankenstein noises?

Oh, yeah, the school nurse
had to give him a sedative.

You guys spruced up this RV,

and now it's time
to spruce up our VD.

I'm talking about our vibrant Dad.

And I'm talking about performing
a little folly of our own.

Siblings, let's skit.

Oh, I'm in. I'll just bring
my le date le Abelard

after we've had le dinner

and, uh... bonjour,
and voilà, and... fini.

Okay, Judy,
you are about to enter the world

of French sophistication.
What's it gonna be like in there?

I agree, Camus is the most
important novelist of the th century.

- Oui, oui, oui.
- Oui, oui, monsieur.

Ooh, la, la.

ABELARD: Entrer.

- Bonjour. Bonj...
- [laughing]

Okay, okay. Well.
Oh... Okay.

Judy, this is my Mom,
Chardonnay,

and my brothers
Martin, Hugo, and Doug.

- Hello.
- Allô. Would you like a glass of spaghetti?

- Nipple pinch.
- Ow! [speaks French]

Join me on the dinner couch.

- Abelard, qu'est-ce que c'est?
- Quoi?

- [farts]
- [laughs] Got me.

Now I will fart
on your girlfriend.

Oh. No.
No, no, no. No. No.

- [growling]
- Becky, be nice.

There's enough garbage from
the compost can for all of you.

I wish the people at the RV park
could see you guys like this.

They would love you.

Yeah.
They would absolutely love you.

- Aah!
- [farting]

- [sighs] I'll see myself le out.
- [Abelard laughing]

Judy, where are you going?
The dinner was going so well.

Was it?
I mean, look, Abelard.

I love farts
as much as the next guy,

but I thought tonight was gonna
be more like, you know, a date.

With mimes and wine
and cheese and stuff.

So, I'm just gonna head out.

But don't you want to see
who wins the fart battle?

[chuckles] Oh, Abelard,
I know who wins the fart battle.

Surprise.

[farts]
C'est moi.

♪ Ice, ice, yeah, baby ♪

- BUNNY: Get out of here, Fiend!
- Thank you for the fine can.

The Heath Family.
Is everyone enjoying

the Family Land
Father's Day Follies?

Where have you been?
It's almost time.

Living. Loving.

[sighs] Loss-ing.

Next up is... Oh, dear.
He signed up as Beef Tobin,

but we all know him
as The Fiend.

His act is called
"Apology Speech."

Well, here it goes.
I threw up five times,

so I should be pretty well empty.

Dad, you can sit back down.
Because your kids have this.

- Siblings, it's skit time.
- Oh, thank God.

- People of Family Land.
- MAN: You suck, Fiend Family!

Great throw, sir.
Loving the boot.

All right, now, if you could
all just sit back and relax,

we now present
our sketch, called

"From Fiend to Friend:
A Redemption Story."

WOMAN:
That title is presumptuous!

"From Fiend to Friend," Act One.
Well, there's just one act.

I now take you back in time.

Bleep bloop blarp.
Time travel noises.

Night had fallen,
and I couldn't sleep.

I had recently seen
the cinematic masterpiece

by M. Night Shyamalan Signs,
and I was convinced

the aliens were a-comin'.
Papa, I'm scared.

Wolf, there's nothing
to be scared of.

The only place I felt safe
was on the water.

Because the aliens in the movie

couldn't touch water or
they'd die. Perfect script.

Anyways, when I came home
from school the next day,

my father had used
some spare lumber

to transform my bed into a boat.

And, audience,
from that day forward

I sailed that beautiful sleep ship

right off to dreamland
every night.

Until I saw Ghost Ship
and Dad had to make my boat bed

back into a real bed,
but you get the idea.

And now we go "bork bop"
to five years ago.

- Father, I'm gay.
- Wonderful. I love you, son.

Dad, that was supposed
to be my line.

But it is wonderful.
And I do love you, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Buckle up, time travelers.
Blorp blap.

We're back in our own time,
right here at Family Land.

When my dad dropped
the ding-dang sparkler

down the septic t*nk,
he was stressed,

trying to keep
our family together.

Now, I know he turned this place
into a stink-scape,

but he would never
intentionally blow up anything.

Except our hearts with love,
not feces.

- JUDY: We love you, Dad.
- HAM: We love you, Dad.

HONEYBEE: Thanks, Beef.
[applause]

Well, no one has harbored hatred
for the Fiend quite like me.

I was mad that he ruined
one of my own Father's Days.

But maybe it's time
to let be-gones be be-gones.

Fiend, welcome back
into the family of Family Land.

Thank you.
Thank you, Family Land.

Okay, everybody.

Uh, appears we have a late
entry into the follies tonight.

This next skit
is by Moon Tobin, called

"An Evening with
Moon and Friends."

[applause]
Hello, I want to introduce you

- to some of my friends.
- [man gasps]

- Oh, and please, remain calm.
- Aah!

- Skunks!
- No! You misunderstood,

- I said to remain calm!
- [shouting]

Get 'em with the light, boys!

Skunks hate bright lights.
Aah!

Oh, no.
It's happening again.

Being, uh,
awful quiet there, Dad.

- You, uh, mad?
- Mm.

Sorry if I ruined your
already not-so-great

Father's Day
with my skunk stunt.

[Beef chuckles]

[laughing]

Dad, you laughing?
You okay there, bud?

No, it's just...
it was very funny

when Moon let the skunks loose
and everybody ran.

And the toilet holes exploded.

And why are the septic tanks

always uncovered
at that place anyway?

Yeah. Cover up your
stink tanks, Family Land.

It's kind of exciting
to be the outlaws for once

instead of a bunch
of Wholesome Harrys.

We're like the bad boys of
the Southwest Alaska RV scene.

No one's hated a family
this much since the Klumps.

So, Dad, we didn't
ruin your Father's Day?

No. It was a very memorable
Father's Day weekend.

And I am a fiend.

A fiend for parenting.
A real P fiend.

Not what that means.

Hell, yeah, Dad.
You're a total P hound.

And that's not what that means.

[sniffing] Oh, my God,
what is that smell?

I don't know,
but completely unrelated,

don't open my duffel bag.

And also unrelated,
what's a better pet name...

Skunky Brewster or Spray Romano?

Uh-oh, the skunk I don't have
just chewed his way

- out of the bag.
- [all exclaiming]

- HONEYBEE: Beef, pull over.
- WOLF: Dad, pull over.

BEEF: Yup. Pullin' over.

♪ Forever, girl. ♪