01x01 - Where The Hell is Brent?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Santa Inc.". Aired: December 2, 2021.
Candy is the highest-ranking female elf in the North Pole; who sets out to become the first woman Santa Claus in the history of Christmas.
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01x01 - Where The Hell is Brent?

Post by bunniefuu »

Santa INC.


Good job, Malta!

Stack in order of continents.

Keep dogs away from cats
and cats away from the fish.

And the reptiles...
Save me the American Jesus!

This lizard is d*ad. come on,
Malta! It's f*cking Christmas Eve!

There is no time for amateurs.

Get another one before Tiffany
from Tallahassee go berserk.

Halloween? Shit. Easter?
Screw the stupid rabbit!

May Day?
What the hell is May Day?

This one is for real, the X-Games,
the X-Caliber,

it's "X-Mas", friends!
And the X stands for "extra-extraordinary"!

Santa Claus chose me,
because I know how to manage this

and I get your best. And I think
that you are the best.

come from a long
distinct reindeer lineage

who valiantly perform service
at Christmas for hundreds of years.

Dasher, Comet, Blitzen and Junior,
the son of the greatest of all.

- Elegantly late.
- Let it go

to the driver's seat.

Who's ready to sniff
my little tail?

Now let's deliver the gifts
to the brats in record time!

Lady Candy, my deputy commander.

It would be nothing without you.
You're a f*cking rock star!

Today you deserve to go to
a hotel room and destroy it.

I will go! Damn groupies!
I harness the pebble on the bed!

f*ck with a baby shark
and I'll bite his head off!

Okay, take it easy with yourself.

I present to you
the Sleigh Sultan,

the Thunder of the Tundra,

the hardest working man
in the pine branch...

With a thousand monkeys, that he really is
joyful! Our Santa Claus!

Hi! Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad.
It's good to see you. Such as?

- List of rogues.
- Good news!

Only % below
they don't believe you.

- Last year it was %.
- Wow!

American kids believe more in
ti than vaccines or the Holocaust.

That's great! a great dismay
for America, but great for us.

sled launch
starting within...

...ten, nine, eight...
- Merry Christmas!

- ...seven, six, five, four...
- A night to rock everyone! I went!

... three, two, one, zero.

We're on the go.
I repeat, Christmas is on the go.

Tonight the weather is bad.
Turn left into Manhattan.

The winds are bl*wing at km/h
about the Empire State Building...

It is happening!
The pigeons against Christmas are back.

already shit
on the Rockefeller Center tree.

Those f*ck!

Looks like they save a year
shit just for this day.


Send the fighters!

Bread drop over Central Park.

Let the carbohydrates rain.

How many sleeping pills?

- More than a thousand, lady!.
- Excellent.

Those little doves are going to be on their way
the days of Christmas.

Leave it alone! It was nothing.

I am lying. The idea was mine.

I rocked it! Keep clapping.

Good morning, emotional vampires.
My day is going to be crazy.

Brent and I have to review
the thanks,

hate letters.
- My day is going to be intense.

- We could talk about that too.
- Seriously?

What are you doing today, Tony?
Cut your toenails?

Have we reached that time of year yet?

I'm composing
a new Christmas song.

- Have you played my last one yet?
- That crap? Forgets!

Don't be mean to your brother.
His father d*ed when he was little.

Yes I know. by chance,
was also my father.

Well well. someone is jealous
of the d*ad dad.

By the way, I dedicate this
brutal scene to the late quota.

May the moldy gums that you
fell on top burn in Hell!

Santa Claus likes him rough
But the woman is not a whore

don't go there
Giving it over the edge...

I was going to compete with this one!

I will finish that abortion
that mom tried to make for years!

Help! my son is
to be att*cked! Somebody help us!

Go sing away, assh*le.

The kids loved the gifts.

Another perfect Christmas.

That's why I brag to everyone
that we are best friends.

get off!
She only greets me!

I don't know how you can handle it
this malt needy.

I can't with this.

- Hello Hello! What's up?
- I'm so frustrated.

No women from Team B
was called to the sled. Again.

We train every day
and we stayed

in the f*cking bank
every Christmas!

Doesn't mean you're not so vital
to the system like them.

- You're right.
- And if you want,

I cut Junior's throat
so you can go.

I swear to God,
suffice it to say, that I cut my throat.

- On the bright side, you're all good!
- You're right.

So much training made me
an animal in bed!

I had a threesome with
Prancer and his girlfriend

and no one complained!
- My God. Your life is amazing.

- I want details!
- We did it to the reindeer,

to the canzana and the koala,
the girlfriend is Australian.

Prancer couldn't
be Santa Claus,

because he has a cock
that looks like a chimney!


ro hear more
wicked shit.

I'm late for practice,
but thanks for cheering me up.

Yesterday I dreamed that I was using
Santa Claus costume...

A dream? Must be good!

I don't have dreams anymore
because I never sleep,

because, for some reason,
I wanted to be a wife and mother!

Sorry, Fun Size.
You know I love you, baby, right?

Right? Answer me!
Why do not you answer? Is d*ad?

I don't know. he is blue
and he doesn't breathe, so it's likely.

- Call ! Help my baby!
- I'm making fun of you!

- You're sleeping, you psychopath.
- Fortunately!

Being a mother is so difficult.

Take my advice.
Never have children.

- I didn't plan to.
- That makes me sad.

You would be a great mother!
Promise me you'll think about it.

I have to leave this little f*ck
at daycare. Goodbye!

Good morning, Jeremy. Has Brent arrived yet?

Share a shared tweet from a
influencer about helping the world?

Done. Brent didn't arrive.
Do you bring coffee? Thanks.

Come on, man. You are the assistant.

Bring me some coffee.
And bring me a scone.

Unless they're maple.
Shit for that.

This is harassment.

This is your Chief of Staff,
Jingle Jim.

Meet at Campus Square
for an ad for Santa Claus.

- It's not an exercise.
- Must be an exercise.

Shut up and go to the square!

How it is? What?
I adore you. I adore you.

- I hate you. I adore you.
- Pumping milk from your breasts? Creed!

They're called tits! Your mother has two.

Deal with it, bro. there could be
a nursing room here.

I have to go.
How am I? Goldie, come here.

- Go ahead, sweetie. I won't blink.
- I have an elf neck.

None of that. You have perfect skin.
I was on an eight after giving birth.

A ginger episiotomy
it's no joke.

Why just two chairs?

Tell Santa Claus
than the other idiots

barely lifted a hoof
this year.

I am the star that takes
the team behind.

You know I drive the sled,

I just let Santa Claus think
that's him.

Don't tell him that part.

- I know you hate me.
- What the hell? You are the one who hates me.

I don't understand what you do
at Santa Inc.

you are a secretary
who goes to meetings?

A maid without food?

Junior, I'm the vice president
from Santa Inc.

and I only answer to Santa Claus,
to Brent and the Board.

- I can finish that nose of yours.
- I'd like to see you try.

Many need this little nose
to shine to pay bills

and put their children in schools.

So feel free to try
stop this nose from shining.

Damn, you're right.

Beings of Santa Inc., it's me, yours
Chief of Staff, Jingle Jim!

Shut up, you g*dd*mn useless!

I present to you Saint Nicholas the .º!

Thank you all for the warm welcome.
I just want to tell you

that this year we reached more kids
than ever.

One thousand six thousand... No.
Six, four, a billion?

Damn... You know what?
I'm not good with big numbers.

There were a lot of jerks!

Santa Claus! Santa Claus! Santa Claus!

On this Christmas Eve, it happened
something in Seattle, Washington,

who left a piece of coal
in my heart.

Brent. I'm Jeff Bezos.

Oh my God, Jeff Bezos.
I can't believe it's you.

I would like you to work
for me on Amazon.

Do I have to use f*re Phone?

- No.
- Count on me.

- This is crazy!
- Brent is a traitor!

- Amazon Prime is slow and useless!
- Suck a bag of dicks!

I know you are shocked
with the news, but please...

Let's be happy for Brent.
We wish you luck,

despite having f*cked us big
without a warning whatsoever.

He f*cked us dry, folks.
He already said.

The warning would have been lubricant,
but he didn't.

Therefore, today we are
with diaper rash. Lots of diaper rash.

But the rash will disappear,
just like Brent disappeared.

It won't spread from our nalgas
for the rest of the body.

we will recover

of this brave unlubricated f*ck

that Brent gave us.

Santa Claus, North Pole Times.

how should he
succeed him as Santa Claus,

who will replace him
as his successor?

Between the lines: I'm old
and I will die.

f*ck you, Harold!
I mean... good question.

I'll think about it seriously.
Ah ah ho ho ho! Goodbye!

I know who the next Santa Claus is.

Candy, tell him!
He is my son, your brother!

Santa Claus likes him rough


How could Brent be gone?
He was my mentor.

He taught me everything I know.

He made me love my job.
He made me love him.

-And then he didn't even say goodbye.
- Poor Candy.

Poor Candy.

I'm here if you need
shoulder to cry.

Or a d*ck to cry on.

This is offensive and worthless,

but I stayed

with the process of the thing.

I cry and you use my tears
to h*t one for my sadness?

Or cry and my tears fall
from my face to your penis

with a "thud" that makes you stiff?

Candy Smalls. You are there!

who do you think will
to be the new Santa Claus?

I bet it will be someone
from factory.

Or one of those muscular reindeer,

Like Junior. He's so cute.
I mean muscular.

- Do you know what I mean muscular?
- Yea!

What if Santa Claus was a woman?

It was so weird, but so cool!

A Santa Claus woman?

Still confuses candy canes

with earplugs or hell!

And if the tits get stuck
in the chimney?

Or worst,
What if she falls in love with the sled?

Grandmother! What are you doing on the street so late?

Candy Cane Lane is the best place
for anonymous sexual encounters.

Can your heart handle an orgy?

Do not say. I do not want to know.

I won't apologize
for being a vibrant sexual being.

no one should apologize
for your secret desires.

It's fun to say that,

Well because I want to be
the next Santa Claus.


yes all my life
I dreamed about it.

Brent was always the Successor,
that's why i never considered

the possibility so far.
Is it crazy?

There were many Santas
throughout history.

Some were loved.
Others were hated.

Nice and mediocre.
Attractive and disgusting.

Ten and two.

Santa Claus gave good gifts
to the children of the Third Reich

and fled from the North Pole to the
Argentina. What does it matter, Candy,

is that Santa Inc.
it's a different place.

Humans and magical creatures of all
the races and religions in communion.

But Santa's position is
especially that of a white man.

There were women prime ministers,
women presidents,

even a mechanical woman,
but never, never, but never

there was a Santa Claus woman
or a Jewish Santa Claus.

Exactly! It's crazy!
Things have to change!

My advice, and this is important,
so listen carefully...

If I die,
get rid of my p*rn!

It's all in a folder on your computer
called "Tax Stuff"!

If you are Santa Claus,
Will you put me on Team A of the reindeer?

you enter the main team right away.

Let Junior take the year.

you were leading the sled
and put the other geeks

to smell your ass.
- Get the f*cking baby, Craig!

Don't yell at me ahead
of friends.

So don't be stupid
in front of my friends, ass.

I thought things
they had improved.

What do you mean?
improved. Listen to me, goat.

If it's your dream,
you have to talk to Santa Claus

and show your side,

someone like me won't
to Santa's house and says:

- "Dude, we have to talk."
- Go there, b*tch. Now!

You have to face that lazy guy,

You're right,
but they really have to call me goat

whenever they say something?
- Yes, goat.

Because it's empowering to be a goat,

- A man didn't care!
- She's right!

- Who asked you, b*tch?
-She's mistaken. It hurts a drink.

you are not
on the well-behaved list

nor that of the ill-behaved.
You're on the b*tch list, b*tch!

All right, f*ck it.
I go ahead!

- I'll be right there.
- This is so exciting!

I'm getting nervous
so exciting.

- Damn, I ate my arm.
- Wish me luck.

- Come on, Candy! You can!
- You can do it, b*tch!

And if Candy is Santa Claus
and she falls in love with the sled?

Goat, I was thinking the same thing!

- My God! I'm so sorry.
- Stupid, stupid, silly!

Crosses, I don't need that
kind of energy now.

is someone at the door
is someone at the door

is someone at the door
is someone at the door

is someone at the door
is someone at the door

Open the damn door!

candy! Good to see you!

Hello, Ms. Mother Christmas,
I know it's late.

I'm always awake.
I have insomnia.

I spend the night doing
to-do lists.

took over my life,
but what does it matter?

You do not care!
I barely care!

Goes into.

Nick, stop! The doctor says you are
to a cupcake to get diabetic.

So bring me donuts! There's nothing!
I'm not weird.

We may not discuss
in front of her?

- Candy, come in. Sit down.
- Invitation accepted.

I'll let you guys talk business.

I have to read emails
and packages to wrap

and so on and... goodbye.

What brings you here,

Let me tell you that your home
is beautiful, without being too ostentatious,

which is a good balance,
sir, and...

For God's sake, Candy,
forget about "sir".

You're not in the principal's office.
I've known you since I was a little girl.

Yes, but we never really talked.

We are always in the sky


No, we never spit on anything,

I met your husband.
The sports fanatic!

I remember the guy well. blue skin,
horse body, pink wings.

- It was hilarious.
- I'm not married.

I don't even date anyone, but no
be ashamed. No problem.

He's a busy man.
You don't even know my last name.

Go there! Who cares?
You don't know my real name.

- It's Llewelyn Peidini.
- You know, damn it!

Now that you mention it, Brent
was an intermediary between us.

But now that I think about it,

Brent always thought he was better
than Santa Inc.

One Halloween, it came from Super Jesus.
As if normal isn't enough.

Brought a cape, tights to show
the muscles and the huge d*ck.

Dicks like this don't stay
by middle management.

This goes against
what I came here to do.

- Seriously?
- Do you mind that

give you the big picture?
- Force.

in child,
had big dreams.

As a kid, he didn't know that
did not always materialize.

I thought that if I tried,
no one could deny me anything.

And I tried so hard,
proved what it was worth.

This is practically a prequel,
but i'm listening.

I want to fulfill my dreams.

I want to be the next Successor,

and the first Santa Claus
female in history!

- The first goat elf Santa Claus
- I!

- Candy...
- Smalls!

- Yea! Progress!
- Candy really wants this

I'm the most progressive Santa Claus.
An agent of change.

I'm an ally,
thing I can't say,

but others have already said so.

And Brent, the first Successor
black, was part of my legacy.

But maybe it's time
to make history again.

I have to think,
but this is capable of being spectacular.

Very well, fix.

Oh my. Let see what those
madmen are plotting.

- What is this?
- My Boxing Day party.

Didn't know this.

- We shave every year.
- It's a great tradition.

I will win again!

The heaviest hair wins the prize.

Let's go shave! Good!

Jingle Jim, what are you doing here?
You don't even have a beard.

I have to shave every week.
I mean the genitals, silly.

It's a gay scene. Yes I am gay!

It's a valid way of life.
If I wasn't straight, I'd be gay.

- It's the list number.
- I also sh**t hair. I shave my legs

and the armpits and...

...all exterior parts
of the vulva.

Because I was never invited to this,
and the Jingle Jim yes?

- What about Jeremy? Jeremy is just ice!
- They turn mine into slush.

Candy, are you comfortable?
to stay and participate.

I let you know when you hired me
that was not formed in vaginas.

And if my hand fails me
and she becomes infertile?

the baby needs
the fur to stay warm.

thanks for telling me
how my body works.

I can't stay either.

I have lots of parties
and raves and scenes to go.

If I knew sooner,
I had a way, but...

Thank God.
I'll escort you out.

And I will think about it very well
in what we talked about.

f*ck the idiots. One day,
I will be the first woman Santa Claus.

Full stop!


Did you hide the p*rn?

There are also home videos!

But I'm proud of them
you can show them to the family!
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