03x14 - Paige's Way vs. Frankie's Way

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bizaardvark". Aired June 24, 2016 - April 2019.*
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"Bizaardvark" follows two 12 year-old best friends, who post funny songs and comedic videos about their everyday lives on the Internet.
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03x14 - Paige's Way vs. Frankie's Way

Post by bunniefuu »

We'd like everyone to gather
for a huge announcement!

Okay. We'd like you two
to stay where you are

for a huge announcement.

After watching a bunch
of online magic videos,

we believe we have a future as...

BOTH: [dramatically] Magicians!

[enthusiastically] Yay!

Frankie, why aren't you clapping?

They threw tissue in the air, Paige.

Now, for my first trick,

I'll need a volunteer.

- Me! Me!
- Her! Her!

- Frankie!
- [groans]

Please, pick a card.

Memorize it, and put it back.

You picked...

- the Queen of Hearts.
- Nope!

- The five of Clubs.
- Nope.

of Rocks?

That's not a card.

Speaking of cards,

Paige, you like spoons, right?

Uh, I mean, I haven't really...

- Cool!
- Okay.

Now watch as I bend this spoon

with my mind.

Just gotta spin around real
quick for unrelated reasons.

And that...

is how you magic.

Frankie, look, I got
a souvenir from the show.

Paige, that's a fork.

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

- The three of Clubs?
- No.

Wait! Actually, that is my card.

And it only took guesses!

And what if I told you

the number was written on my chest?

- Is it?
- No.

But that would've been
pretty cool, right?

Guys, we definitely want
your feedback on our tricks,

so we're gonna go grab a pad,
so we can take notes.

What was that all about?

Bernie and Zane wanna know
what we think about their magic.

Spoiler alert.

I'm gonna say things.

They're gonna cry things.

Frankie, Bernie and Zane
need our support.

I mean, sure,
they're not great at magic,

but with our encouragement,
they'll get better.

They're not just "not great at magic."

They're horrible,
and if they keep at it,

it'll stop them from finding the thing

they're meant to do in life.

Brutal honesty will make them

more successful in the long run.

- Well, I think you're wrong.
- Well, I think you're wrong.

- Well, I think...
- Sweet Tea on a Tuesday!

Don't you guys see what's going on here?

It's a classic Paige versus Frankie

in a "I'm Right About Life" argument.

Come on! I don't think
we disagree enough

to be throwing the word
"classic" around.

Oh, really?

"Saying no versus saying yes."

"Listening to yourselves versus
listening to your fans."

"Judging a book by its cover versus
not judging a book by its cover."

Those were classics.

Wow. We disagree a lot.

Wait! What Amelia's saying is

this gives us the chance to put
our opposing views to the test.

Uh, that's not what I was saying!

Yeah! We can see once and for all

about who is right about life!

I said none of those words!

I'll work with Zane
and be honest with him

about how he lacks the talent for magic.

You work with Bernie,

and use that encouraging,
supportive nonsense you believe in.

Great! And at the end of the week,

we'll see which one of them
is more successful.

And if I win, you have to
wear a shirt that says,

"Frankie is always right."

Oh, and when I win,

you have to wear a shirt that says,

"Paige is always right."

And so it is written, and
so it shall be remembered!

When this is over,

one of us will be right about life.

Your friendship is weird.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

And that wraps up today's

"Imperfect Imperfection."

Stay tuned for tomorrow's video

where we won't gloss...

over lipstick! [giggles]

Bet you thought I was
gonna say "lip gloss" huh?


Just keeping it imperfect, y'all.

I totally fell for it!

You know, I was kinda scared

about changing my whole channel,

but I'm really loving
"Imperfect Imperfection."

And I have you to thank for it.

So...

I made you something!

[excited] A bag!

And it's big enough to carry

all my hopes and dreams!

Look inside!

There's an inside?!

It's a dress!

It's made with hemp and burlap.

All natural. % organic materials.

All the things I know you love.

So, do you love it?

[forced] I love it so much.

I hate it so much!

Willow, you're so cute,
you can pull anything off.

I recommend starting with that dress.

It's hideous.

It's not just uggo.

It's itchy!

It feels like I'm taking
a bath in sandpaper.

And you know how much I hate baths.

You and me both, sister.

You're just sitting in your own filth.

I gotta tell Amelia the truth.

The dress just isn't for me.

- You'll do no such thing.
- Why not?

Let's just say Amelia doesn't
appreciate negative feedback.

Wow!

Thanks for making me breakfast, Amelia.

Oh, can you get me some salt?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't like my eggs?

[chuckles]

Here's some salt for ya!

Whoa.

Yeah! And then she made me eat 'em!

My doctor says
it took a year off my life.

My point is,

the only way you're gonna
get out of wearing that dress

is to destroy it.

Great! So how do we do that?

"We"?

[chuckles] You think I'm gonna help you?

You owe me.

Remember?

This had to be done.

It's time for Bernie
to make real friends.

Sorry, Mr. Mannequin,

but you know what you did.

Fine! I'll help you!

Even though you cried the whole
drive home from the woods.

That's cause you made me take the wheel!

I was tired!

I will make these balls...

disappear!

Disappear!

Zane, can I, uh, talk to you
about this whole magic thing?

Why talk about magic
when I can dazzle you...

Let me stop you right there.

Zane, have you heard the story

about the water buffalo who could fly?

Water buffaloes can't fly.

Exactly!

And you can't do magic!

[disappointed] Oh.

I don't like this story.

Well, it's not over,

because while the water buffalo
wasn't wasting its time flying,

it was able to discover something

it was really good at it.

- Like magic?
- No!

Definitely not magic.

Something nobody expected
the water buffalo to do.

Like flying?

No! Flying is a metaphor for magic.

- I can do magic!
- No you can't!

Look, I'm sorry. [chuckles]

It's just not what you're meant to do.

But you're a great kid, and
I'm sure if you keep looking,

you'll find something else
you're amazing at.

Wow, Frankie!

No one's ever been that honest with me.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe there is something else
I'm meant to do.

Thanks, Frankie.

You're welcome.

And remember what the Mama water
buffalo said to its baby.

"Stay away from magic!"

Watch as I take this coin,

and make it...

- Vanish!
- [coin clinks]

You made it fall!

That's... something!

Yay! Gravity!

Vanish!

Bernie, the coin didn't drop.

You're getting better.

Nah, I just did it
without the coin that time

to see how it felt.

It felt good!

Vanish!

Oh my gosh! Bernie, you did it!

I did? I... I mean, I did!

[both screaming excitedly]

- Yeah, I mean...
- [clears throat]

Cool. Cool.

Yeah.

Thanks for helping me out, Paige.

I'm so much better at magic now.

It feels so good
to be good at something.

You hear that?

He feels good.

Sounds like encouragement is working.

Well, I had a little chat
with Zane earlier,

and let's just say,

he's feeling pretty good, too.

[groans]

[sighs heavily]

Ah. The sigh of a happy boy.

Hey, Zane, what's wrong?

I thought we had a great talk. Remember?

The water buffalo who made
peace with its inadequacies?

Yeah.

And I tried to find
something I'm good at,

but the thing is

I don't think I'm good at anything.

[sighs heavily]

Ah, the hopeless despair

of a happy, happy boy.

Hey, Willow, have you seen Zane?

I haven't seen him since yesterday.

Yeah! I saw him out back.

He's giving away all his stuff.

What? Why?

Not sure.

Something about how his life's a mess,

and he has no need for anything anymore.

Oh, no.

That sounds bad.

Maybe I was too honest with him.

Hey, Frankie,

I've been drawing dolphins all morning.

Should I be an artist?!

Uh... you...

We all... we...

Zane needs me. Gotta go. Bye!

Zane, I'm so sorry.

I went too far.

What's going on?

I'm giving away all my stuff.

Thanks to you,

I hit rock bottom!

And yet, you're smiling!

Yeah, because
something amazing happened.

At first, I was sad,

and started giving away all my stuff.

But then I realized
how good it feels to give.

Oh. Totally agree.

By the way, my birthday is June nd,

and I need a new panini maker.

Now I'm collecting donations

to give to people who really need it.

I've never felt so good.

Wait a minute.

Zane, you basically
started your own charity.

I think helping people
might be your true calling.

Take that, Paige! I'm winning!

- What?
- You're winning!

At life! Ha, ha!

Mazel tov! Woo!

I guess you're right.

None of this would've happened
if you weren't honest with me.

How can I ever thank you?

Oh, I... I thought I was clear before.

June nd. Panini maker. The big one.

I like my bread hot and flat!

All right, how are we gonna
destroy this thing

so I never have to wear it.

Why don't we just
cut it up, throw it away,

and hope the cops don't find it?

Bing! Bang! Boom! Done!

You're fun!

But I can't just destroy the dress.

Amelia will know I don't like it.

Ah, I see what you're saying.

We gotta make it look like an accident.

You frighten me just the right amount.

Has anybody seen my new dress?!

I put it on top of a tray
of cookie dough

for some reason.

Oh, no!

I put that tray in the oven
to minutes ago!

Oh no, my favorite dress!

Is not burnt?

Well, of course it's not!

I made it with a natural
flame retardant.

But you know what is burnt?

These cookies!

Maybe they could use some salt!

I wonder how far I can throw this!

- [wood chipper whirring]
- Watch out! I have a wood chipper!

It's not ruined?!

That's 'cause it's made
with natural fibers.

And love!

Hey!

Guess who just had his first paying gig

as a magician?

No way, Bernie!

That's amazing!

Yep! I had a k*ller set
at the old folks' home.

And the two people who stayed awake

said it was, and I quote,

"When's Bingo?"

Look at you! You're glowing!

Yeah, it's mostly sweat.

But like any professional magician,

I came up with an amazing stage name.

I am... Illusor!

Uh, yeah.

You might want to consider
a different nickname.

Nah, it's money.

Hey, Paige!

Hey! You look so... happy.

Yeah! Frankie helped me
launch a charity.

It's called "Half Your Stuff."

We all have too many things,

so why not give half of them away?

Thanks to my honesty,

Zane found his true calling.

Well...

I have news, too.

Bernie, here, is so good at magic,

he's been hired to
perform professionally.

I opened for Bingo.

Okay.

Well, not only has Zane become

a respected philanthropist,

he is also going to
host a black-tie event

to raise money for his charity.

- I am?
- You sure are!

Well, that's great news,

because Bernie can perform his magic,

and be the event's entertainment.

- I can?
- You sure can!

Then it's settled.

Zane will host an event,

and Bernie will perform at it.

And at the end, we'll see
whose life is better

and that will determine the winner.


Of what?

Um...

the big game.

Yeah, that is coming up.

Hey! At this event,
I can debut my new trick.

The Devil's Refrigerator.

Oh, cool! What do you do?

Like make a refrigerator disappear?

[scoffs] Maybe if I was a baby magician!

This trick is a death-defying illusion

where a , -pound refrigerator
hangs above the stage,

dropping onto a box that I'll be inside,

and crushing me,

unless I can escape in time.

Ha!

That sounds very, um...

advanced.

Yeah! Only eight magicians
have ever tried it.

So, they'll teach it to you?

I wish!

Unfortunately, only
two of them survived.

And they both lost use
of their vocal cords.

Uh, because they screamed
after completing the trick?

I wish!

It's because the box
crushed their throats.

Thanks for booking me this gig, Paige.

Come on, Zane!

Ah! The misguided optimism

of a guy who's about to
have his throat crushed

by a refrigerator.

Well! See ya at the big game.

Wow! Look at this place.

Yeah. Told you I'd hook you up.

I asked Liam to call in favors
from his wealthiest friends,

and he couldn't say no.

I mean, he did.

Several times, but finally he said,

"Ugh! Fine!"

And now for the ceremonial
hoisting of the fridge.

- [hydraulics whirring]
- Um...

Bernie, are you... are you sure
this trick isn't too dangerous?

Actually, I don't think
this trick is dangerous enough.

Which is why I filled the refrigerator

with knives!

- Butter knives?
- Of course!

- Oh! Phew.
- Wait. Did you say "butter" or "butcher"?

'Cause it's definitely butcher.

There's still time to be honest with him

before he goes through with this.

No! I can't discourage him now.

If I tell him he can't do the trick,

it would destroy him!

More than a refrigerator
filled with butcher knives?

Oh, you heard that?

Look, if I keep being supportive,

maybe somehow,
everything will work out fine.

I believe in you, Bernie.

Thanks, Paige!

That means the world to me.

[groans]

Aw, man!

It's the second mannequin
I've lost this month!

So, the mannequin represents you?

Oh, yeah!

Bernie, you know you don't have
to do this trick at the event!

Why don't you just do your coin trick?

Paige, please! That's way too dangerous!

Don't worry. I got this.

Most magicians would quit,

but lucky for us,

I am Illusor!

And then I fire this baby
up to maximum scorch,

and it's bye-bye ugly dress!

Ha! Man, I'm a good chaperone!

You know what, Grandma?

Don't bother.

I'm sure whatever you do,
the dress will survive.

I just wish Amelia knew
how awful this dress was.

Yeah. Too bad you don't
have one in her size.

Her size?!

Grandma, how are your sewing skills?

Terrible!

You know,

you really haven't helped me
as much as I hoped you would.

So, what do you think?

I think it's...

It definitely has...

There's a certain...

Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings.

It itches so bad!

It feels like someone is
stabbing me in the back.

It's so heavy, I can't breathe,

but so light, I'm freezing.

Oh my gosh, there's
an ugly potato in the room.

[gasps]

Oh my gosh, it's me!

[giggles]

You hated that dress
all along, didn't you?

Just the time that I was wearing it,

holding it, or looking at it.

Great.

Let's agree never to wear them again.

It's a deal, 'Mels.

But how are we gonna get rid of them?

They're literally indestructible.

I have an idea.

They're dead to me.

Bing! Bang! Boom! Done!

How much time have you been
spending with Grandma?

Too much.

Have I told you yet
how fabulous you look?

Yes, you have!

And have you told me yet
how fabulous I look?

Clearly not enough.

- [dramatic music]
- [applause]

I hope you're all enjoying the
Half Your Stuff Charity Event.

Thanks for your generosity.

We've already received

so many donations.

[applause]

I'm about to make a donation.

To my purse!

It's for charity.

Kids need rolls.

Hey, Paige.

I'd like you to meet
my assistant, Tiffany!

She's gonna be helping me do the trick.

Also, if things go wrong,

she cleans up the mess for free.

ZANE [over speaker]: Please
welcome Bernie Schotz.


[applause]

[stammering]

Good luck out there, Bernie,

and just FYI,

I heard a lot of people talking about

how they would like
to see a coin trick tonight.

[dramatic music plays]

Good evening.

It feels good to give back.

- [mysterious music plays]
- But you know what I can't give back?

- This crate.
- [crowd gasps]

Because I ordered it online,

and have no idea how to return it.

[crowd gasps]

I know.

In a moment, this crate will be crushed

with me inside,

in a trick that many have tried,

but few have survived.

The Devil's Refrigerator!

[crowd gasping]

You're not gonna stop him?

You're really gonna
let Bernie go out there

and hurt himself just
to prove you're right?

I really think
everything's gonna be fine.

Are you serious?

Paige, I think you're in denial.

There's nothing to worry about.

I mean, maybe he won't
even get in the crate.

I am in the crate!

Maybe they won't be able
to put the fridge in position.

The fridge is in position.

I mean, it's not like he's
past the point of no return.

I am past the point of no return.

Paige! Paige, Paige, Paige! Paige!

What am I doing?!

Bernie, stop! You can't do this trick!

You're not ready, and it's too hard!

Or is it?

No, stop! Bernie, wait, stop!

- [crowd gasps]
- Bernie, stop!

[crowd exclaims]

My grandson!

Wow!

I don't know how anyone
could have survived that!

[applause]

Gosh, you're alive!

How in the world did you do that trick?

Easy. I cut a hole in the stage.

So while everyone was
looking at the refrigerator,

I crawled out and
snuck up to that table.

Oh! Uh, I thought magicians weren't
supposed to reveal their secrets.

Well, I'm not a magician.

I'm Illusor.

He doesn't hear it?

He doesn't hear it.

Bernard.

I'm so happy you're alive! Oh!

Well, looks like you're
gonna be wearing this.

Thanks to my encouragement,

Bernie became an amazing magician.

I was right.

No. You're gonna wear this.

My honesty had Zane

pull off this entire charity event.

I was right.

Hmm.

Is it possible that the result
of our little experiment

was we're both right?

Hmm. [chuckles]

"We were both right" high-five!

Wait, I'm sorry.

What experiment?

BOTH: Uh...

Wait, were you two just using us

to settle a personal score?

No, no, no, no. See, you
guys don't understand.

We were both right!

Hi! We were wrong.

Hi! Lovely dress. We were wrong.
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