07x01 - Tentacle-Vision/I Heart Dancing

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

Aye, aye, Captain!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants! - Ready?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

- Spongebob

Squarepants!

- All of the most intelligent programming

starts before : A.M.

No, no, no.

Take your time.

It's worth the wait.

- Your source for the latest in exotic pets,

collectible Jewel-encrusted mittens...

And classical doorbell chimes...

- How sophisticated.

- Has been cancelled.

- Oh, yeah.

I haven't made the coffee yet.

Why in the world would they cancel fab and fancy?

What could possibly be more enriching?

- Hey, I'm Zeus, the guitar lord.

I don't have a guitar yet,

but if I did, I would want a really k*ller one,

like this.

He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music.

This is an outrage.

- So here's my number if you want to talk about--

hello?

- Where is my fab and fancy?

- Your what?

- I'm quite certain you wouldn't know culture

if it bit you on the guitar.

- Um, I don't have a guitar.

- Do they give a show to just anybody over there?

- Pretty much.

My mom gave me this one for my birthday.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I wanted a guitar or a star named after me,

but, you know, whatever.

I guess a TV show is cool.

- It's that easy?

Hello, bikini bottom public access?

Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show!

I want a show!

Come on, just a few more minutes, squiddie,

and it'll be your turn to bask in the limelight.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, limelight baskin'.

Baskin' in the limelight.

Oh, good times.

Good times.

So where will said basking take place?

- Like I would tell you. Hmph.

Although I've waited my whole life

to have enough glory to rub it in someone's face,

anyone's face...

Even that face.

Okay, I'll tell you,

but the last thing I would want

is for you to show up, so plug your ears.

Splat!

Well, I don't want to toot my own whistle, but--

wait, no!

That's exactly what I mean to do.

- Say again, Squidward.

- With your host, Squidward tentacles.

- Greetings.

I'm Squidward tentacles,

your host of Squidward chat.

Today on Squidward chat,

we'll be discussing something near and dear to my heart:

Underappreciated artists like myself.

- Squidward's on TV?

Aah!

Squidward!

Squidward!

Squidward, you're on TV.

No, really, Squidward, come look.

- I know I'm on TV.

See the camera?

You're on TV too.

- TV?

- Moron.

As I was saying, today on Squidward chat,

we'll be discussing--

- wow!

- So I ran to tell Squidward that he was on TV,

and he told me that I was on TV.

Now you're on TV.

- I'm on TV?

- This isn't happening.

- I'm not on TV.

Spongebob, I went home and turned on my TV,

but I wasn't on the TV.

Why did you lie to me, Spongebob?

Why?

- Patrick, just how dumb are you?

- It varies.

- If you want to be on TV,

you have to be in front of the camera.

I get it.

Hi, TV people!

My mouth is on TV!

- This is disgusting.

Spongebob!

You got to try this!

- Patrick, Spongebob,

get off my camera.

Would you get out of here?

- Doubt it.

If you like the camera so much,

why don't you be the cameraman?

- Cameraman?

- That means you take all the pretty pictures.

- All right!

- Whoo! Whoo!

Ooh, let me do something too, please?

- Fine, you can be the sound man.

- Sound man.

- Imbeciles.

Today we're going to be talking about--

why isn't the camera on me?

No, I'm the one talking!

I'm right here.

Today on Squidward chat,

we'll be discussing the underappreciated arts.

Patrick, I'm down here.

As I was saying, today we'll be--

today--

- upsy-Daisy!

Downsy-wownsy!

Upsy-Daisy!

Downsy-wownsy!

Now, then.

I was going to tell you about my fabulous--

Sponge--ow!

- It's heavy.

Thanks,

but it itches.

- I got to go Potty!

- Squidward has his own TV show?

- Well, you'll just have to hold it, Patrick.

Now, if there are no more interruptions--

- eat at the krusty krab,

home of the original krabby Patty,

and remember, we change our grease monthly.

- Out!

- Whee, doggy!

I can line dance better than that.

Yee-haw!

- Daddy, I'm borrowing your wallet!

Line dancing?

Ew.

That is so lame.

What they need is my way cool cheer routine.

Give me a "k"!

- Oh, please.

I can cause far more collateral damage than that.

Karen, where'd you put my death ray?

- Go, team! Go!

Go, team! Go!

- Go, team! Go!

My shorts are wet!

- Fight, team! Fight!

Fight, team! Fight!

Fight, team! Fight!

- Eat at the chum bucket or perish!

- No!

My show!

- You seem tense.

Cut that out.

That's it!

Everyone out!

What do you think this is, huh,

some kind of housewarming?

- Did somebody say housewarming?

Hey, everyone, it's a housewarming!

- Get off my set!

This is not working!

- Actually, I'd say the show is doing just fine,

at least according to our latest ratings.

This is actually a lot by public access standards.

Everyone is working out, except for you,

you,

you,

and you.

- Me?

- And now bikini bottom's top public access show

for the last weeks,

Squidward's house party,

with your host,

Zeus, the guitar lord.

- Hey, hey, hey, bikini bottom.

Are you ready to party Squidward style?

Thank you for making us number one,

because I was finally able to get a new guitar!

Thanks, Squidward!

- Let's party!

- Keep it down!

I'm trying to sleep!

- The coast looks clear.

- Hi, Squidward!

- Today I feel like doing some dancing!

- That's funny.

Even a barnacle knows you need music to dance.

- Oh, I got music, friend,

in my mind.

Oh, I love this song.

Here I go!

- That is the stupidest dance move I've ever seen.

- Who put you on the planet?

Thud!

Crunch!

- Your krabby Patty, ma'am.

Now eat it, swallow it, and chew it down.

- Oh, thank you very much, darling,

and your dance moves are pretty cool too.

- Really? You like my dancing?

- That's right, kid.

You got the dazzle, dazzle, dazzle.

I love how you did that shuffle into the moonsault

and then stuck the landing.

- Well, that's very nice of you to say.

- Wait. I'm not finished speaking words.

I'm a high-class talent agent,

and I want to invite you to an audition.

I have a very talented client who needs a backup dancer,

and you got what it takes.

Come down to my dance studio tomorrow at noon.

You're going places, kid.

- Would you please stop dancing?

- No, I can't stop dancing now, Squidward.

I have to practice for my big audition tomorrow.

- You got a dance audition?

- That's right, so I got to practice

as much as I can before tomorrow.

Got a dance audition.

- That idiot has a dance audition?

He doesn't know the first thing

about the subtle intricacies of dance.

Let him practice till he drops.

He's never gonna get that part.

That's it!

He'll just have to practice till he drops.

When he does, I'll be there,

all leotarded up and ready to show my stuff.

Oh, Spongebob!

Spongebob, wait.

Spongebob, I mean, I suppose I could take you

under my tutelage, you know, show you a few moves.

- Under your tutelage, really? You mean it?

- But you must do exactly what I say.

Got that?

- I am dance putty in your hands.

- What are you doing, Squidward?

- Oh, um, just a physical assessment

I do with all my new pupils, heh-heh.

Yeah, I'd say, judging from the condition

of those flabby ankles...

- Flabby? - That's right.

You'll need some physical conditioning

before you ever set foot on a dance parquet.

I want you to run to the top of oyster peak and back.

- Oh, anything to get rid of these flabby ankles of mine.

- By the time that idiot gets back,

he'll be too tired to dance, heh-heh.

What--what-- what are you doing here?

- I'm back from mount oyster.

Here, got this for you at the gift shop.

- Fine.

Let's move on to our first dance lesson.

I want you to moonwalk on this treadmill

while I read this entire novel.

What, is he still at it?

My treadmill!

- You know, Squidward, exercising's fun and all,

but when am I gonna learn some dancing?

- All right, you want to learn some dancing?

I'll show you dancing!

You know what gets people going?

Ribbons!

- Whoo!

- Now, do just as I did.

- Like this?

- Phbbbbt!

- Yow!

Like that, Squidward?

- Okay, try this.

It's simple and a real showstopper.

Pay close attention.

Now you.

- Gee, I don't know. Are you sure?

- You want to Ace the audition, don't you?

- Well, yes, but-- - then do it.

Enough!

Listen, you pea brain,

we are gonna keep working on your routine

until you get it right.

And I don't care how long it takes.

Now, watch closely.

And a-one

and a-two

and aha!

You think you can handle that?

- Yes, sir.

- Then go and practice it,

and don't stop until you've done exactly as I did.

- And a-one and a-two

and a--ugh!

No.

And a-one and a-two and a--dah!

Nope.

- Remember, don't stop till you've done it right.

- Right, Squidward.

And a-one

and a-two

and a-ugh!

Nope.

Thud!

Thud!

Eh, better go check

on the little yellow sea monkey's progress.

Well, Spongebob, have you learned the moves?

And a-one and a-two

and a--

thud!

- Aw, come on, now.

After all I've done for you?

We've got one day, Spongebob.

- Oh, you're right.

- Let's go. Let's go.

We're burning daylight.

- And a-one

and a-two

and a--oof!

Is that okay, Squidward?

- I'm still not convinced.

Do it again.

- And a-one

and a-two...

And a-one and a-two and-a...

And-a...

- Good night, sweet prince,

and hello, stardom for yours truly.

- That was very cute, girls.

In fact, it's too cute.

You're out.

I told you it was stupid a idea,

and I hate you too.

- Let's see who's next.

Spongebob Squarepants...

Oh, Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob!

I guess he's not here.

It's too bad. He was good.

But who could replace a dancer of such high caliber?

- Only the best dancer in bikini bottom.

- Really?

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

- Heh-heh-heh.

Observe a true master at work.

- Oh, sweet sassafras!

Do mine eyes deceive me?

That was the greatest routine

since the greatest thing since sliced bread dancing routine.

Congratulations.

You got the gig.

- Oh, baby, I knew it.

You won't be sorry you made this decision.

- I don't think you'll be sorry either,

because you'll be dancing in squilliam's show.

- Squ--squ--squ-- squ--squ--squ--

- well, don't just stand there!

Get the sand out of your leotard and dance for me, nitwit!

Dance!

Smack!

Not like that, kelp for brains.

You call that dancing?

Do it like this.

Here I go.

Who put you on the planet?

Now, do it exactly as I did,

and don't stop till you get it right,

and I don't care how long it takes!

- I was up for that part.