07x22 - The Masterpiece/Whelk att*ck

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

- Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you!

- Aye, aye, Captain!

- It's finally complete!

After weeks and weeks of burning the candle

at both ends, literally...

My first clarinet concerto is complete

and ready to be performed.

Noooooo!

Now, I'm flummoxed.

Grrrr!

- Hit it one more time, Patrick.

Don't want anyone stealing it.

Perfect.

- Grrrr!

All right, what's going on out here?

I can't even hear myself think.

- Ohh! Ooh! Can you smell yourself think?

- No.

As I was saying, you two--

- or see?

- No! - How--how about taste?

Can you taste yourself think?

- Shut it! What are you two dingbats doing?

- We were just posting Patrick's new "for rent" sign.

We worked on it all morning, see?

- "For rent"? You mean...

One of you is moving out?

No.

Patrick here is just gonna rent out his front yard.

- Need a little extra cash, if you know what I mean.

- Wow. To think this day started off so horribly and now...

What do you mean you're just gonna rent out your front yard?

- First come, first served.

- Oh, great. Now another idiot can move in.

- Oh, Squidward, that reminds me.

Patrick and I are off to jellyfish fields for the day.

We were wondering if maybe you could stick around

and keep an eye out for any takers.

- Oh, I would love to.

Just let me just check my planner.

- Oh, thanks.

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. I can't.

- Oh, why not?

- Well, because I was planning to do no such thing.

See?

- Okay, well, thanks anyway.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Well, with those two bone-brains gone for the day,

at least now I can finally get some peace and...

Quiet.

Now what are you two boobs up to?

I thought you were gonna--

well, if they're not here, then I wonder

who could have been making all of that--

- hello. - Huh?

- My name is Howard. - Hello, Howard.

- I noticed this "for rent" sign.

Is this yard still for rent?

- Sorry. You're too late.

Howard is disappointed.

- Yeah, well, aren't we all?

- This looked like it might have been

a wonderful place to pursue my passions.

- "Passions"?

- Painting... - Painting?

- Playing the bassoon... - The bassoon?

- And enjoying a glass of tea in my front yard.

- Enjoying a glass of...

I can hardly believe what I'm hearing.

Finally, a neighbor with some culture.

Oh, I can only imagine...

Painting portraits while sipping tea...

- Recumbent bicycling to a museum...

Playing a concerto together

at the bikini bottom philharmonic...

- Farewell.

I should have known

all this was too good to be true.

- Wait! Don't go!

I-I was just kidding.

- Okay, well, in that case...

I guess I'll move in right away.

- Wonderful.

- Make yourself at home.

- Oh, my. His design sense is impeccable.

Oh, I do feel right at home.

- Okeydoke, then.

I'd like to propose a toast to my new neighbor.

- New neighbor.

- While we're on the topic...

What are the other neighbors like who live around here?

- Uh, other neighbors?

Oh, they're just like any other neighbors, I suppose.

- Well, that's perfect.

I'm the type of person who likes all kinds of neighbors.

- That is perfect.

- Well, as long as they're not jellyfishers.

I can't stand living

near anybody who jellyfishes.

But, luckily, they're not the worst type of neighbor.

- Yes, that--that is lucky.

- That would be the bubble-blowers.

Between the jellyfishers and bubble-blowers,

I just couldn't stand to stay in my old neighborhood anymore.

- Well, rest assured, Howard...

Y-you'll never even notice the neighbors around here.

- Well, that's a relief.

- Yes, isn't it?

- Spongebob, look!

There's a mobile home parked in front of my house!

- Patrick, do you know what that means?

I'm a landlord.

All hail the landlord.

- Hey, Spongebob. - Yes?

- Why don't we go knock on the door

and meet the new neighbor?

- Great idea!

- Oh, no.

- What's going on? Is somebody there?

- No! No!

There's nobody at all for miles around.

- Well, are you sure? I thought I heard voices.

- Nope, there weren't any voices.

- Perhaps it's just the other neighbors

coming to meet me.

We'd better open it up and have a look.

- I can't let you do that.

- Well, of course you can.

They're your neighbors too.

- No! You really don't want to go out there, trust me.

- You're hurting my arm.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Howard.

I was just hoping you and I could, um...

- Could what?

- Could, uh, take advantage of this peace and quiet

and--and perform a little duet together,

just the two of us, with each other.

You know, you on bassoon, me on clarinet--together.

- Why, that's a splendid idea.

I'll get some sheet music.

- Wonderful.

- Did you see the way those curtains jerked shut?

- Yeah, our new neighbor must be really shy.

- Well, maybe we should just come back and meet him later.

That was close.

- Good idea, Patrick, coming back later.

- Thanks.

- Besides, we have more pressing matters to attend to.

- Like what? - Like this new jellyfish

we befriended

and this brand-new bottle of bubbles.

- Let's begin.

Squiddy, this is absolutely the best day of your life.

- Perplexing.

I could have sworn I just had this thing tuned.

- It's me. It's me.

I-I think this Reed needs replacing.

Yeah. I'll be right back!

Should be all better now.

- Shall we continue? - Why, of course.

- Hey, Spongebob, look.

Our new neighbor must be even shier than we thought.

- Yeah.

- Ooh!

- There it is again.

Excuse me one more time.

Just a sec.

Now, where were we?

- I'm back.

- What is going on? Are you hiding something?

- Ho--Howard, I-I would never hide anything from you.

- Stand aside.

Repulsive. Somebody's got to stop

these pesky bubble-blowing jellyfishers!

- Wait! Please, Howard, don't go!

You're the only ray of sunshine I've had here in years!

- I'm sorry. It's too late, Mr. Tentacles.

- Oh, dear Neptune, no.

You there.

Hey...

That actually was kind of fun.

Maybe it's time I stopped being so stuffy

and loosened up for a change.

- What the...? - Gotcha!

- I may be able to handle two lamebrain boneheads,

but I draw the line at three!

- My house!

I knew it was too good to be true.

- Well, I almost had a decent neighbor.

- Don't worry, Squidward. We can cheer you up!

- Go on. Pop it.

- Pop it? Me?

Well, at this point, what have I got to lose?

Hey! You come back here!

Aaaaaahhhh!

Jellyfishing bubble-blowers!

- Excuse me. A Patty for the lady, please.

- Try reading the sign, Casanova.

- You never learned to read, did you?

- No. - That's all right.

Neither did I.

- We are meant for each other!

- Even the illiterate are finding love.

Oh, Squidward, why are you torturing yourself

with tales of romance?

Squidward? You dropped your "ook."

- That's no "ook."

It's just a cruel reminder

that I'm single and likely to remain that way forever.

- Don't be sad, buddy.

Turn that frown upside down.

- I prefer my frowns in their traditional orientation.

Aah!

- Just remember, Squidward--

you have never experienced true love.

But...

That doesn't mean you will never find it!

You know the saying-- there's a squid for every pot!

- Great. Let the tired cliches cascade forward.

That'll make me feel better.

Wha--wha--wha?

Who--who is that?

She's...

She's...wow!

- I absolutely adore the decor--

exquisitely minimalist.

- Oh, she speaks art jargon.

- Oh, what culinary delights doth this menu hold?

- Spongebob, she's got it all--

class, style, grace,

and looks only matched by yours truly.

- Well, why don't you ask her out

on one of those dates you keep talking about?

- My next move exactly.

Observe the old tentacles charm in all its glory!

- Is that salmonese?

- Boy, you were floundering up there.

- I don't know what I'm doing.

I've never felt like this before.

Squiddy, you have been bitten

by the love bug.

- Hello?

Hello? I'd like to order.

- She's talking to me. What do I do?

- Squidward, I can help you attract your true love!

- You? You don't know the first thing

about the fine art of romance.

- Well, since no one seems to want to take my order,

I'll go elsewhere.

- What? She's leaving.

- Oh, no, she's not. Hang on, buddy!

- Finally, some service around here.

- Hey, idward-squay...

Emember-ray the ate-day.

I believe Squidward here is trying to ask you

on a romantic date, ma'am.

Right, Squidward?

- Come on, Squidward, shake the nice lady's hand

and say hello.

- Hello. My name is squilvia.

Uh...is he okay?

- Oh, yes, he's-- he's just tired,

you know, from all the hard work he's been doing around here.

I so admire his work ethic.

So what do you think? You want to date him?

- Uh...i don't know.

I'm not too sure.

- Wait a minute!

Before you make any hasty decisions...

Allow me to tell you

a few things about my friend Squidward--

things I think you should know,

like that Squidward is by far

the single most intelligent person I know.

- Intelligent? - That's right.

We are talking some serious credentials!

- "Lame"? What school is that?

- The point is, he thinks you look

like a breath of pure sunshine in that dress.

- Really? Wow, he really said that?

- You betcha. He is such a charmer.

- Psst! Don't forget artistic and musical.

- Not to mention that he's an incredible painter,

a virtuoso musician, loves to cook and clean,

and also enjoys gardening quite a bit too.

- Ooh, he sounds interesting.

- But you know what is the most amazing thing about Squidward?

It's his selflessness,

his undying commitment to being a true friend.

And I know anyone who is lucky enough

to go on a "romantical" date with this guy

would get to experience things

on a whole nother and very special level.

- Ooh.

- So how does dinner at : sound, squilvia?

- I think that sounds perfect.

I'll come by your place, okay?

- See you at : , Squidward.

- You okay, Squidward? You froze up there, buddy.

- What do you mean? - I mean...

When was the last time you went out on a date?

- Spongebob, you got to help me!

It's been so long! What do I do?

What do I do? - Shhh.

You, my friend, are in desperate need

of a practice date before going on the real thing.

- That's a great idea, Spongebob!

I'll just have... a practice date?

I don't get it. - Just meet me at :

at my place, okay, Squidward?

Just one minute, Squidward!

- Sometime today would be nice.

- I'm ready!

- Dear Neptune!

Missed a spot.

Aren't you going to compliment my outfit?

- Uh, um... you look stunning?

You're so sweet!

Where are my flowers?

- Flowers? Oh, well, they're, uh...

Did you drop your lip liner?

- I don't think that I dropped anyth--oh!

Why, Squidward, you shouldn't have.

- Oh, but I wanted to.

- No, you really shouldn't have.

I'm very allergic-- I'm very--

very allergic to tulips.

Anyway, you ready to go?

Go where?

To dinner, silly!

- Oh, right, dinner. I'll get my car.

Hop in.

- What?

- A gentleman always opens a door for a lady.

Where are my manners?

All righty, so...

Oh, come on. - Could I help you with that?

- No, no, I think I got it.

Stupid thing.

- Would you--there!

Snug.

Can we go now?

- Yes. - Great!

- Right after I tinkle.

Oh, good thing I went.

I don't think I would have made it to the restaurant.

Is something wrong, Squidward?

- No. Just hungry, that's all.

- Great. Well, I know a fabulous place we can go.

Just head this way. - Wonderful.

- Okay, now at this stop sign, turn right.

- Okay. - Now at this light,

make a right. - Gotcha.

- And then at this street here make a right.

And then at this intersection there make a right.

And then park right near that orange building

just up ahead.

Oh, we're here.

- You're a real piece of work, you know that?

- Oh, why, thank you, Mr. Squidward.

Way to work

a genuine compliment into the date.

Now it is the chitchat part of the date.

Amuse her with interesting conversation.

- Oh, um, chitchat.

Um, can you believe this weather we're having?

- Okay, good effort, but you might want to start

with something more personal.

A woman might like to talk about her day, for example.

She might want to bring up her promotion at work

or the wacky antics of her pet snail

or talk about how I was nearly late for our date

'cause I just couldn't decide what to wear,

and then I didn't nearly have enough cash

to tip the lady at the nail salon.

Dinner is served.

Oh, I'm famished!

- Don't try to eat it. It's plastic.

- Now, this is the perfect opportunity

to work on your table etiquette.

Squidward, would you please pass

the roasted kelp?

- Here you go, ma'am. - Oh, thank you, sir.

- Hey, Squidward, who's the lovely lady

sitting across from you?

I think she's giving me the cutesy eye.

- Oh, no, you don't, Patrick.

You cannot just barge in here like this.

Spongebob and I are in the middle of a practice date!

- So...

Do you hang out here often?

- Well, this is my home, silly!

Excuse me!

How is this supposed to help me on my real date?

Which, by the way, begins in five minutes.

Squidward, wait!

We haven't covered--

we haven't covered all the tenets of "dating " yet!

Squidward, wait!

There's a couple more tenets...

As I was saying,

I'd like to go over just a few more crucial aspects

of a first date...

- Such as-- - Spongebob!

Would you please just shut it and leave me alone?

- Um, Squidward... - Don't "um, Squidward" me,

you...you annoying, insignificant waste of my time!

- Um, Squidward--

- don't interrupt me!

And don't call me, look at me,

write me, or even think of me,

'cause, you and I...

We are not friends

and never will be.

- Does this mean there won't be a second date, hmm?

- Um, you just saw that, didn't you?

- Oh, only all of it.

- And you probably think I'm a mean-spirited brute,

which ironically is the exact opposite

of what you were expecting, right?

- Not exactly. - Huh?

- I think a guy who doesn't suffer fools lightly

is totally dreamy.

Let's go eat.

- Spongebob, I'm dreamy.

- Bye!

Have fun, you two!

Squarepants, your work here is done.

- Not quite.

I was promised a movie and some plastic popcorn.