02x07 - iDragged Him

Episode scripts for the TV show, "iCarly". Aired: June 17, 2021 to present.*

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Carly and her friends are in their twenties as they learn to balance work, home and their social life.
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02x07 - iDragged Him

Post by bunniefuu »

Explain to me again why
your Model UN tournament's

being held at Shay What?!

They double-booked the
school's auditorium,

and the debate team
quickly and concisely

convinced them to bump us out.

You'll never guess what just happened.

Your manager Paul got you an audition

for The Great Big Globetrot?

Our walls are very thin.

You mean, the reality show
where teams compete in a race

for a cash prize so large,

it could lift entire
communities out of poverty?

Exactly!

Paul said the producers love
my child Internet star angle.

They know you're not a child now, right?

Anyway, my partner and I just
have to make an intro video,

and then go to an audition
challenge tomorrow.

Listen, I know I'm the obvious choice.

For a race?

I've seen you get car
sick in an elevator.

That elevator went faster
than normal elevators.

But tomorrow is Model UN,
and Millicent needs me.

I'm the Gayle to her Oprah.

Oh yeah! Millicent,
aren't you gonna b*at

your nemesis, Henry Von Biedermeyer?

He's won the Golden
Gavel four years running.

But this year, that gavel is mine.

I can taste it. It's
metallic, like blood.

Ooh, Millicent, I know
exactly what you mean.

I just landed the most exciting job

of my career since Dutch.

I'm styling four fabulous drag queens

for their club's annual
Hollywood Icon Night.

Wait, what does that
have to do with her thing?

Oh, I was just changing the subject.

But if y'all wanna keep talking

about a boring children's
political event,

then sure, let's do that.

Wait, wait, wait.

So, if none of us are
gonna be your partner,

- then that means...
- Spencer's gonna do it!

It's always been my dream
to be on a reality TV show.

My audition for Naked
and Afraid was choice!

What's in the pack, dude?

Rocks, to help me be strong.

When we were kids, Spencer
and I crushed every game night.

We were the best team ever.

Ha! Oh!

Yeah. I think y'all are gonna win.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

Well, if Malaysia had better
garbage-sorting processes...

If Norway can't be bothered

to separate trash from recyclables,

then Malaysia's gonna
send that trash back home.

'Cause that's what you
are, Henry Von Biedermeyer,

the king of garbage.

Geez, Millicent, I feel like
my race to win a million dollars

is less intense than
your Model UN tournament.

Yeah, you don't want it as bad.

Thanks for helping me, Dad.

I couldn't destroy Von
Biedermeyer without you.

(LAUGHING)

- Okay.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

I'm in huge trouble.

Why?

Millicent's teacher reached out

and asked me to get her to tone it down.

Wait. Millicent, tone it down?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's like asking

Ricky Martin to be less sexy.

Never gonna happen.

Well, apparently she is so competitive,

she already drove out
seven other participants.

There's no South America
now. It's just gone.

I'm worried she's turning into Spencer.

What? But Spencer was never like that.

- (SCOFFS)
- Remember how much fun

we had at game nights when we were kids?

♪ ♪

Way to go, Carly, it's
like you're not even trying.

Now, put the green piece here.

- (CHUCKLES)
- You destroy every game.

I have to go. My mom's
having GI problems.

See? He can't take us.

Mm-mm.

Oh, to be young.

And bossed around by your big brother.

Spencer never bossed me
around. He just loves to win.

You know who he's like?

- Seabiscuit.
- Kim Jong-un.

Seabiscuit?

Yeah, 'cause he's determined,

he never gives up,
and he's liable to poop

absolutely anywhere.

Wait, did you say Kim Jong-un?

Did you say anywhere?

Ladies of substance...

Auntie Histamine, Kimmy Kimmy Moore,

Cruella Tensions,

and the wickedly talented Lana del Slay,

I am honored that you chose
me to style your drag night.

As you should be.

We are some choosy b*tches.

First, a classic Audrey.

- (ALL GASP)
- A woman waits her whole life

for a pearl necklace that thick.

You will always love this... Whitney.

(ALL GASP)

The one and only time

someone has ever
improved on Dolly Parton.

Third, we have Marilyn.

(ALL GASP)

I even figured out a
way to install a fan

to make the wind blow.

Oh, who is this wind,
and how do I meet him?

And our final look, little more modern,

but still iconic.

- Reese.
- (ALL GASP)

I am, for lack of a better word, agog.

Ooh, amazing!

Now, you all just have to
choose which look you want.

- Any preferences?
- ALL: Reese!

What? I already pulled wardrobe.

You can't all be Reese.

Well, with a good
enough stylist, we can.

Alexa, find us a better stylist.

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

Wait! No, I can do it.

I can make all four of
you Reese Witherspoon.

Yay, thank you, Harper.

Harper, you brought the town
together and saved the day,

just like Reese Weatherspoon
in Pleasantville,

Reese Witherspoon in Home Again,

and Reese Witherspoon
in Legally Blonde :

Red, White and Blonde.

Well, buckle up, b*tches,

'cause it's gonna be an
embarrassment of Reeses.

ALL: Reese! Reese! Reese!

Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese!

So, what were you thinking

for your Great Big
Globetrot intro video?

Well, I set up a spaghetti taco station.

- Ooh.
- I thought we could talk

about how Spencer invented 'em.

- Ah.
- That man could fly to the sun

if he put his mind to it.

These rich people need
to stop going into space.

Hey, I came up with the
most fun idea for our video.

Already done.

Some think artistic
perfection can't be achieved.

Uh, they haven't seen this.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Do it, do it, do it all night ♪

♪ Do it now, make me feel right ♪

Whoo!

But shouldn't I be in our team video?

Nah. See you guys later.

Ah.

What? That wasn't so bad.

Come on, Carly, this is exactly

what he's been doing since we were kids.

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, no? Think harder.

(HARP STRUMMING)

Oh, way to go, Carly.

It's like you're not even trying.

Now, put the green piece there.

You destroy every game.

I have to go. My mom's
having GI problems.

See? He can't take us.

Was that a flick?

Hey!

Oh, my God. You're right!

Except for the thick shiny hair,
he's not like Seabiscuit at all.

- Mm.
- Wait.

So, your mom didn't have GI problems?

No, she did, I just didn't need

to leave game night because of them.

- You chose to.
- I'm a good boy.

Spencer, I know you wanted to train

for the audition challenge,

but I want to talk to
you about our video.

Well, I guess your video.

What is that?!

Precipitation. Ever heard of it, Carly?

Dude, we live in Seattle.

On The Globetrot, you gotta be prepared

to compete in any and all conditions...

rain, sleet, snow, sharknadoes.

I need to talk to you about the video...

No! Stop flapping your gums

and start working your
g*ns. Drop and give me .

- Spencer, I am not gonna...
- (BLOWING WHISTLE)

- Go, go, go!
- What?

Clap in between 'em.

We really need to discuss the...

(BLOWING WHISTLE) Jumping jacks!

- What?
- Twist.

Now you're in the rain forest.

But look out, the wind is picking up.

(SCOFFS)

Get your vitamins. Drink, don't think.

What is in this?!

Chilis, cayenne, and
some ghost jalapeños

I got off a shaman in Little Oaxaca.

Food challenges are a
huge part of The Globetrot.

(PANTING) No, Spencer, I need to...

Ah...

Oh, my God, my mouth is on fire.

(PANTING) I think I'm gonna...

No, you can throw up
in the smoothie cup,

but you will have to
drink the vomit after.

I stayed up all night, I
sewed until my fingers bled,

I watched so many
Reese Witherspoon movies

that when I tried to scream,
all that came out was sunshine.

But I got it done.

Girl, you read us all wrong.

Now, what now?

You think I'm Elle Woods?

I obviously emanate the
bubbly-yet-powerful charisma

of Melanie Carmichael, née Smooter,

from Sweet Home Alabama. (CHUCKLES)

AUNTIE: Girl, she didn't
even make the costume

from Sweet Home Alabama.

% on Rotten Tomatoes?
Now, that's h*m*.

(SNAPPING) And I'm clearly

Kate "Cootie" Kinkaid
from Four Christmases.

Wait, stop! I worked
really hard on this.

You can't just do that.

Girl! Move some paper

with a piece of tape on
it? Henny, I just did.

Harper, you can't interfere with fate.

That's why it's fate.

Well, well, well.

Look who just quoted Tracy Flick.

The very bitch I picked
to dress like her.

(ALL GASPING)

If I could go back in time,

I wouldn't do a damn thing differently.

Cheryl Strayed, Wild.

(ALL SNAPPING)

Alexa, we found a really good stylist.

"So, that's why in the
spirit of world peace,

we are pleased to compromise
with the Kingdom of Norway."

Do you mind if I make some
edits to the speech you wrote?

Yeah.

(SIGHS) I just want you

to get along better
with your classmates,

and for your teacher to stop calling me

to say she's afraid of you.

She carries a squirrel
around on the weekends

so people will talk to her.

So, maybe we don't take her advice.

Can you just try? For me?

Sure, I can try to "dial
down" my "intensity"

because it's "intimidating" to "losers."

I'm not asking you to do
that, I am just asking you

to make your Model UN
speech less hostile.

That's literally what I just said.

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

Now we're in Antarctica!
It's raining ice!

You just saw a penguin, he
looks like a little butler.

But you can't talk to him.

Do I have time to use the bathroom?

None! Pee as you run, Carly!

Pee as you run!

Okay, my Reese's pieces.

After four emergency alterations

and several renditions
of a cappella "Respect,"

are y'all finally ready?

ALL: We are!

Ow, and we look spectacular!

Honey, you turned us out!

I am a Christmas bell. Jingle!

Whoever said Harper
couldn't pull this off

was seriously misguided. (LAUGHING)

Well, ladies, we could go on and on

about how I masterfully
wove you into the fabric

of the Witherspoon cinematic universe,

but if you don't get going,
you'll miss drag night.

Oh! Drag night!

(LAUGHING)

Was canceled.

Yeah, the emcee called two hours ago.

The club was sold. It's
becoming a Baby Gap.

(GAGS)

So, all this work was for nothing?

Wait, why did y'all
make that grand entrance?

Why do Trader Joe's employees
look at one item in your cart

and say, "Oh, I haven't tried that yet"?

It's in our nature.

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

(LAUGHING, CACKLING)

No.

You know who wouldn't stand for this?

- Reese Witherspoon.
- (ALL GASP)

You're going to have that drag night,

even if I have to bend
and snap somebody's neck.

Ooh!

We're going to the audition in a limo?

Yeah. That way, we get there faster.

It's a longer car. The math works.

Well, why are we sitting in the front?

So we get there sooner. Keep up!

Hi, iCarly. I'm Raoul.

Can you believe it's my first day

and I get to chauffeur a celebrity?


First day?

- My wife made sandwiches.
- Oh.

If you like egg salad with the
freaking perfect amount of dill,

you're in for a treat.

Raoul, I'm gonna need you to drive

like you just realized you forgot

your wife's sandwiches at home.

Oh. This is too real.

You can do this, Raoul.

Okay.

I can't believe I'm really in a limo!

- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- Whee!

GPS: You will arrive at your
destination in minutes.

In half a mile, turn right.

You know what, Raoul?

Hang a left up here, it's a shortcut.

What? No, the GPS literally says...

- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- New route detected.

You will arrive in minutes.

Ooh, more time in the limo!

- Spencer!
- It's okay, it's okay.

- Hey, turn right.
- Turning right.

You will arrive in minutes.

Raoul, just stop listening to Spencer.

- Take the freeway.
- No, Raoul,

stop listening to Carly,
she's always wrong.

A little bit about me.

Conflict really exacerbates my eczema.

Can one of you pass me my skin ointment?

It's right next to the egg salad.

Look, can we please
just take the freeway?

It's faster. The
on-ramp is on the right.

No, take Ballard Bridge.

We can make up the
time we lost. Turn left.

Could you just listen to me for once?

Left or right?

- Left!
- Right!

Raoul, turn left right now!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Why did we stop? What's happening?

Ballard Bridge raised
for ferry crossing.

You will arrive in minutes.

Oh my God, the bridge
is gonna split in half!

Raoul, here's your ointment.

(PANTING, SHOUTING)

Spencer Shay. Carly Shay.

We're here. We made it.

- Yeah.
- Oh, the audition challenge

started minutes ago.

I'm so sorry, you've been disqualified.

You are no longer hot to trot.

After all I did to get here,
it's over just like that?

You were actually able to skip
most of the audition process

because you're famous.

I acknowledge my privilege.

I can't believe we got disqualified.

I hate to say it, Carly, but...

- Thank you for apologizing.
- ... it's all your fault.

My fault? You ignored the GPS.

Yeah, what does a GPS know that I don't?

Everything.

It knows everything.

Was that a flick?

Oh...

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Guys, guys, guys! Oh!

We are loving this sibling rivalry.

We want you back in the challenge.

And I want you in my bed.

Oh, whoa.

That was highly inappropriate.

(WHISPERING) But I meant it.

You know what, you can take him.

I can't deal with him anymore.

Oh, I know this is raw,
I know this is painful.

I do need you to save
it for the cameras.

We're out.

You're a content creator, right?

Some contestants on our show

get more than a million new followers.

Let's do a challenge, bro.

So, it's pretty simple.

Just slingshot a melon
to knock over a target

and you qualify for the race.

Is that target a mom with a baby?

Yeah, the fire department
uses these to practice rescues.

So, which one of you is flinging fruit?

- I am!
- Fine.

I'll save my melon skills for later.

(SCOFFS)

- (SPLAT)
- Did I hit a target?

No, you hit my coworker Benjamin.

Great job. He's insufferable.

Millicent.

Von Biedermeyer.

Actually, I go by Von Gavelmeyer now,

because I keep winning all these gavels.

I haven't heard anyone call you that.

Then I guess you haven't
been talking to my mother.

- (SCOFFS)
- Look, I know that it's tough

to be nice, but it's
really important because...

Oh, my Reese Witherspoon.

Harper, what are you doing here?

We needed a new venue for drag night.

Why are you here?

Model UN. I told you all about it.

Oh, this is that boring
children's political event?

Harper, we cannot have
drag night and Model UN.

ALL: Unless...

So, I guess Malaysia
will compromise on garbage

and everything else, until
every last drop of joy

has been sapped from the
thing they used to love most.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Yay!

Thank you, delegate from Malaysia.

It's not too often you
see such a young spark

flicker out so quickly.

Next, the chair recognizes the delegate

from Four Christmases,
Reese Witherspoon!

♪ ♪

♪ God rest ye merry, gentlemen,
let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our Savior
was born on Christmas Day ♪

♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪

♪ When we were gone astray ♪

♪ Oh, tidings of comfort
and joy, comfort and joy ♪

♪ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Joy ♪

(APPLAUSE)

I feel terrible that I
made Millicent tone it down.

Baby, why would you
ask her to tone it down

when she was clearly born to turn it up?

Millicent, that speech
was deliciously asinine.

Glad Ms. Cox passed along
the message from my mother

that you should tone it down.

(LAUGHING)

- Dad?
- ♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

Destroy Gavelmeyer.

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, Henry?

Quick FYI.

I'm out on your resolution,

and I'm introducing one
to censure Norway instead.

You can't do that.

What are you gonna do,
throw smoked salmon on me?

Dump a bottle of Voss water on my head?

Yeah, that's right.

My dad researched all
of Norway's top exports,

and they're pathetic, just like you.

Yes! Drag him, mama!

Now, sashay, Norway.

Mommy!

Yeah, there's no way
she's getting that gavel.

I love my little tyrant so much.

Pretend the target is someone you hate.

I am.

(MAN GRUNTS IN DISTANCE)

Uh, did the medic go home?

Just listen to me, I'm always right.

No, you're not. And
you won't listen to me.

When we play games, you never have.

I just wanted to win.

I didn't know it made you feel bad.

- Why didn't you say anything?
- I don't know.

Probably because when we were kids

you were like my hero.

And I still am. I understand.

No, doofus.

I've been trying to talk to you all day.

I love you, but when we
play games together now,

I wanna be treated like an equal.

Guys, I'm sorry, they're setting up

for a kids' soccer game,
and we learned the hard way

that you can't do that
and melon catapulting

at the same time. You need to quit.

No.

My sister's doing a great job,

and we're not leaving
until she hits that target,

which she can do, and she's gonna do.

(CHOKING UP) 'Cause she is my equal.

You got this.

- Aah!
- Spencer!

(COUGHING)

Are you there?

What is it?

Tell my story. But make it sound cooler.

It'd be hard to make it sound dumber.

So, I didn't make it on
The Great Big Globetrot,

and you didn't win the Golden Gavel.

But there's always next year.

Hopefully, there won't be
a Von Biedermeyer next year.

(EVIL LAUGHING)

We're gonna talk about
what you just said later.

What are you doing?

Ah. I keep finding more melon.

I gotta use the restroom.

Uh...

Who is your stylist?

Ooh!

MAN: He hates these cans.
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