02x08 - i'M a USA Bae

[bunniefuu]

Why do so many shows start with people

sitting on the couch talking?

I think it's just a nice
way to ease into the episode.

Presenting the greatest
manager of all time!

(IMITATING FANFARE)

Man, do you know how to enter a room.

Team, besties, familia,

could I ask you a serious question?

When you woke up this morning,

did you think it was just
gonna be like an ordinary day,

or did you think you would get news

that would change your life forever?

Ordinary day, but I feel
like I was dead stupid wrong.

- You tell me.
- Oh, my God, Paul!

- Yeah.
- (GASPS)

This can only mean one of two things.

Either I'm pregnant and didn't know it,

but somehow you do, and felt
this was an appropriate way

to reveal that, or...

I'm gonna be the next USA Bae Doll.

(BOTH SHOUTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

You have been selected
as a USA Bae of Todae,

celebrating strong, empowering people

from around the country.

Ha! Oh, just to be clear,

I'm not pregnant, right?

- No.
- Whatever.

I'm gonna be a doll, b*tches!

Yeah!

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me ♪*

Come on, open her up!

Aw, Millicent, you're even
more anxious than I am.

Relax. I need the box.

I have to make a diorama for school.

What are we waiting for?

Pearl. I texted to see if she's close.

She hasn't replied yet.

I'd text again, but I
don't wanna double-text.

Or, I guess technically, it'd be...

... fourteen-uple text.

I wonder what profound things
my Bae is gonna have to say.

I remember my first USA Bae, Gemma.

She would say things like...

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT): "Girl power!"

And "London calling!"

She was from Nebraska,

but she went to England
for a couple weeks

and it became her whole personality.

- (PHONE DINGS)
- Pearl said, "Having fun

with the girls, so I'm gonna stay here.

- Tell Carly... "
- Ahh!

Don't wreck the box!

(CARLY EXCLAIMING)

Oh.

She's great. She's got
huge... personality.

Yeah.

Two of 'em.

Hello, beautiful.

Spencer, it's me.

You're not that top-heavy.

Maybe she needs bigger feet.

Nothing needs to be bigger.

"Collect all five Baes.

The Marine Biologist,
the Horror Novelist,

the Neonatologist,
the Soccer Star, and...

... the Hot One."

I'm the Hot One?

Carly, don't make snap judgments.

Just because someone is beautiful

doesn't mean they're not a role model.

Emily Ratajkowski wrote a book.

"Meet Carly Shay, super sexy influencer

who isn't afraid to turn
a profit by turning heads."

DOLL (CARLY'S VOICE):
Likes give me purpose.

She doesn't sound anything like me.

Yeah.

Selfies, or it didn't happen.

I'm sorry, what'd you say, Carly?

"Accessories include hand mirror,

cell phone, and second cell phone

with a ring light attached."

"Botox sold separately."

Okay, we still have time
to work on it, right?

I will call corporate
first thing tomorrow.

I don't have female friends,

'cause women are too jealous of me.

I'm gonna call 'em right now. Right now!

Huh, well, the three ball's
probably the easier sh*t.

Three is Pearl's lucky number.

But then the could
set me up to run the table

and Pearl is the
youngest of children...

Just hit the damn ball!

Sorry. So, you miss Pearl, huh?

(SCOFFS) Is it that obvious?

No, I'm just more perceptive than most.

Picking up on little
clues here and there.

I'm like that guy, what's his name,

with the magnifying glass
and the Sherlock Holmes hat.

Carmen Sandiego.

Truth is, I'm starting to worry

that Pearl might be
losing interest in me.

Say no more. I'm on it.

- Uh, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, don't worry.

I got a guy. His name is Sully.

He's real smart and real tough.

He makes sons of b*tches
look like real bastards.

That sounds bad. Do
not have him come here.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, too late, he's in.

He's just gotta hop on
a flight from Barbados.

Oh, you know who's been to Barbados?

- Oh, Pearl?
- Yeah.

No one cares.

HARPER: Wow!

This place is so inclusive.

A bae for every bae,
as long as you're rich.

Harper, Carly, this is my niece, Rose.

She's named after that
plant from The Bachelor.

- Hi!
- Aw! Hi, there, Rose.

Rose is a big fan of yours,
Carly, and the USA Bae dolls.

And James Corden. She's a night owl.

Well, then you can be our special expert

on how to make my doll
less offensive and terrible.

Okay!

(CHUCKLES)

I know these are for dolls,
but I could pull this off.

Oh, definitely. I'm Byron.

Harper. Tell me,

is there a Mrs. Handsome
Man With a Perfect Smile?

- There's not.
- Ooh, lucky me.

There he is, Twinkle Dream Weaver

and Chief Am-bae-ssador himself!

Hold on, Carly.

You don't think this man
works in a doll store?

(LAUGHS) No.

I actually don't know what he does yet,

but in my mind, he builds furniture,

rescues kittens, but where
he really makes his money

is writing erotic poetry.

- Am I close?
- I actually do work here.

Which some closed-minded
people have a problem with.

Oh, no, I am super open-minded!

I'm like a -Eleven.
They're open a lot, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- I love that you work here,

because I'm not the type
of person who would have

a problem with that... not
that I would have a problem

with the type of person
who had a problem with that.

Carly, you talk now.

Why? You're crushing it.

(LAUGHS)

I'm Carly Shay, we spoke on the phone.

Oh, of course!

I'm sorry, you just look
so different from your doll.

Thank you.

Why don't you and I
exit the judgment zone?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm super progressive!

I'll give anyone a chance.

I once dated a puppeteer!

The Carly Bae should be a representation

of me as a role model.

She doesn't lead with her looks.

She should have an understated grace.

Yes, and smaller... personality.

Or at least bigger feet.

Got it. This is all super helpful.

I promise, by launch day,
your doll will be much better.

I really think my Bae
could be the best one ever.

(UPLIFTING MUSIC)

(MUSIC DISTORTS)

DOLL (DEPRESSED TONE):
I have lots of female friends

who are also cats.

Oh, good. She's a feminist.

I like her. She's relatable.

She has the eyes of a hitchhiking ghost.

Well, where's Rose?

Why don't we ask her
what she thinks of her?

Last time I saw her, she
was getting dental X-rays

from Isla, the Orthodontist Bae.

Look, that other doll
wasn't a role model.

But this Carly could be.

It's just important to me that
the focus isn't on her looks.

Okay, but what... what is the focus on?

'Cause she literally looks out of focus.

I'm sorry. If this is the doll you want,

I do support you. I just...

Concerts are too loud.

We're only given one set of ears, Paul.

Sully!

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

You look good.

Island life has been treating you well.

Now, the reason I asked
you to come here today

is because my buddy Freddie
has been having girl trouble.

I told you about Freddie, right?

(CHITTERING)

Yeah, he smells a little
like cucumber salad, exactly.

Anyway, here's the mark.

This is Pearl.

(CHITTERING)

I agree, she's a little
out of his league.

But she and Freddie have
been drifting apart lately,

and we gotta find a way
to reignite their passion.

- (GRUNTING)
- You smell cucumbers?

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Of course, there he is.

I knew it was gonna be a monkey.

SPENCER: Freddie, have a seat.

We gotta hammer out this plan.

And we gotta do it quickly.

- Sully's jet-lagged.
- (CHITTERING)

I can't believe I'm
putting my relationship

in the hands of you and a monkey.

A very cute monkey, but still.

Ah!

Sorry, he doesn't
like being called cute.

He thinks it makes him seem weak.

He weighs like six pounds!

Yeah, but it's all muscle.

Anyway, here's the play,
we're gonna do what we did

for my buddy Victor in Albuquerque.

- What was that called?
- (GRUNTING)

That's right, the Flip
Wilson. We'll do that.

Oh, no, you're right,

we don't have a hotdog cart. (GRUNTS)

- (CHITTERING)
- What do you got?

(CHITTERING)

Your diaper? Yes, of course!

We do the Baby Huey.

The hell is the Baby Huey?

Well, it's right there in the title.

Sully pretends to be a baby,

I drop him off at your doorstep

so you and Pearl can take care of him.

I read somewhere that % of babies

are born to save marriages.

But % of those couples break up.

I didn't finish the article.
Anyway, you got a better idea?

(SIGHS)

Can't believe I'm saying this... but no.

Yeah!

Yeah. There you go.

(CHITTERING)

Yeah.

Now, remember, when we see Byron,

just like we practiced.

Gee, lady, thanks for
opening my perspective!

You're at an , I need you at a six.

Hello, child. Bae I be of assistance?

Byron, hi!

I was just helping this young person

realize the importance
of not being so focused

on the dolls' occupations. (CHUCKLES)

Gee, lady, thanks for
opening my perspective.

Aw, run along, random youth.

That was a three and you know it.

Byron, I'm sorry for judging you.

Honestly, it was a split-second mistake

and really unlike me.

If you're still interested,
I'd love to get lunch sometime.

- I'd like that.
- (SIGHS)

How about later today at the Caf-Bae?

I get % off pre-packaged snacks.

You mean that area filled with dolls

being served food they can't eat?

Oh, is that not fancy enough for you?

What, should we go
get lunch at the bank?

No, no, no, the Caf-Bae is perfect.

Ooh, Bae-tastic. (LAUGHING)

Oh, just a heads-up, the hummus tray

doesn't count as pre-packaged.

It's kind of a gray
area, but rules are rules.

So, Rose, you're the USA Bae expert.

Yeah, I like them 'cause they're pretty.

So, what do you think about that one?

She's not pretty.

Wow, way to tear down other women.

Here, pull her string and
watch her come to life.

(DEPRESSED TONE): It's fine.

I'll eat it like this.

She's relatable.

- Her clothes don't fit.
- But she's smart.

She looks tired.

Well, we can't all take
two naps a day, Rose.

Sorry.

What I mean is,

this doll can be whatever
you want her to be.

Can she be...

somewhere else?

Go get fitted for a
night guard with Isla.

Yay!

Carly, good news has
arrived in the form of me.

Oh, I could use some good news.

And some money. These waters were $ .

Okay, so the prototype
wasn't a prototype.

They mass-produced the Hot Carly Bae

and sent you one assuming you'd love it.

Apparently, they've never had a Bae

give negative feedback before.

Great, so now I'm not
just the boring bae,

I'm also the difficult
bae. I'm the Anne Hatha-bae.

I know you, Carly. You want a doll

that those little kids
out there will cherish.

So, I'm just presenting your options.

The first one, or the
boring one, you know?

But I'll support whichever you choose,

even if it's the dead-eyed
one that no one would look at,

let alone give to a child.

All right, let me get out of your hair

so you can decide which one to sell.

The Hot One, for instance.

(FAKE COUGHING): Do the Hot One!

Sorry, allergies.

(KNOCKING)

- Can you get the door?
- But you're right there.

I know, but I just put all this lotion

on my hands, so, I can't...

Okay.

(GASPS)

- (GASPS)
- Hi!

Aw, what's that?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

"My name is Sully. I've been abandoned.

Looking for a really committed couple

who's kind and generous,
and hasn't shared a meal

in over a week."

- Oh, my God.
- Aw!

Someone just left him on our doorstep.

That is crazy. Isn't that crazy?

It's not crazy. It's bananas.

(LAUGHING)

Well, I think we should
keep him, the two of us.

You know, it's a big responsibility.

We're gonna have to spend
a lot more time together

at home, and not at work,

or out getting drinks with friends.

Absolutely. He needs us.

Do you think he's hungry?

Hey, you want something to eat?

(CHITTERING)

Oh, no, no, no. That's Daddy's drink.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- Okay.

Give... can...

No, Sully, give the bottle to Mommy.

(CHITTERING)

(GASPS)

Oh, my God, he loves you.

(WHISPERING): Spencer was right.

You're the best there is.

(GASPS)

- (LAUGHING)
- Aw.

Family hug.

Sully, you're so cute.

- Ow!
- (GASPS) Sully!

Stop it! No, you get down.

I don't know what set him off.

He doesn't like to be called cute...

- is my guess.
- Oh.

I-I don't think it's safe for me

to be in your apartment
with this monkey.

- Let's just get rid of him.
- Oh, no, no.

- We can't do that to him.
- (GRUNTING)

Okay, I... I'll just leave.

(STAMMERING)

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- You just wanna watch

the world burn, don't you, Sully?

(CHITTERING)

Girls, this is a nightmare.

What am I gonna do?

(DEPRESSED TONE): Every
flower is going to die.

You know, you're a real tough hang.

Let's get va-jazzled!

This is why you don't
have any female friends.

Carly, there you are. I need advice.

Okay, but I need yours first.

Those kids out there
are gonna eat me alive

if I don't give 'em one of these dolls.

But how can I pick one
when they're both so wrong?

Well, how could they be right?

None of these people really know you.

They're just judging you at the surface.

Because... that's what we all do.

- So, what do I do?
- Shh, having an epiphany.

So, Byron loves his job.

So do I!

So, it's very likely
he sleeps with a doll.

(CLICKS TONGUE) I can work with that.

Thank you, Carly.

Hey!

What about my thing?

Carly, you gotta make a decision

or we're gonna have to
call this whole thing off.

We can do that? Well,
let's just do that!

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, you'll owe them a crap ton of money.

Plus, I already spent my cut
on a Moroccan coffee table.

It's on the boat. You have to choose.

I don't know what to do.

Look, come on.

If we put our heads together,
we can figure this out.

- You just solved it!
- You bet I did.

What exactly did I do?

- You solved it.
- You bet I did.

Thank you, Soccer Mary.

You did a wonderful job
fielding those questions.

- (APPLAUSE)
- (HARPER LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Will somebody let this
man host the Oscars, okay?

I hate seeing you like this.

And that brings us to our
final USA Bae of Todae.

Carly Shay, the...

Did we ever land on your personality?

- We did not.
- Okay.

- Thank you, Byron.
- Yes, thank you, Byron.

(APPLAUSE)

I am honored to be here today.

But unfortunately, the
designers weren't able

to capture who I am.

Because all any person is cannot
be represented by just one doll.

But we can start to get there...

- with two.
- (AUDIENCE GASPS, SCREAMS)

Oh!

This is Albuquerque all over again!

At least this time, no one d*ed.

(SIGHS) What was I thinking?

I should have never
agreed to use a monkey

- to save my relationship.
- Excuse me?

What do you mean,
save your relationship?

Uh... Sully and I have a
backgammon game to finish.

Hey. What are you talking about?

Look, it's just, you and I

haven't been spending as
much time together lately.

And I was starting to worry

that maybe you were
losing interest in me.

So, Spencer got us a
monkey to take care of

because he thought it would
bring us closer together?

Uh, yeah.

I really thought I was
gonna have to explain more.

Actually, not such a bad idea.

Thank you!

You know, Freddie, in
all my past relationships,

I always went too fast.

I just didn't wanna
mess things up with you,

so I've been taking it slow.

Oh, my God, I take things too fast, too.

Normally at this stage of a
relationship, I'd be married.

You haven't even met my parents yet.

You've met my parents, haven't you?

It was a casual brunch.

And then two dinners.

Damn it! How did you win already?

I'll tell you how. You cheated!

Don't think I've forgotten
how you got us into trouble

at that monkey brothel in the Maldives.

Just take it.

Yeah, gloat.

Well, I thought it was
just gonna be the two of us.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Told you she
wouldn't like you being here.

Oh, no! No, I'm a real girls' girl.

So, did I tell you I'm a stylist?

(IMITATING ALARM)

Fun idea alert!

Pick a year from until now,

and I'll give you all the names

of every Bae that year.

Maybe we could talk about
something other than work.

- Tell me about your family.
- The dolls are my family.

And they're not wild
about your questions.

Byron, I'm about to get up
and walk away from you forever.

But before I do, I need you to know

that it's not because
you work in a doll store.

It's not even because
you work in a doll store

and you're incredibly creepy about it.

It's because you have shown
no interest in me whatsoever,

and I'm awesome.

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT): Girl power!

(GASPS)

Gemma, Nebraska, .

Maybe we can push it as one of those

"it's so ugly, it's cute" things.

It works for pugs.

Hey, you really gotta
run this stuff by me.

You know you pay me, right?

I just wanted to be a role model.

You are.

I mean, all these kids are here for you.

And like I said before,

I'll support whatever you want to do.

You know, you want me
to push this horror show?

We sold a lot worse on Italian QVC.

You remember the egg coat?

It literally cooked eggs in the sleeve.

No, kids do not want this doll.

No, they want the hot doll.

But I know that's not you.

Well, maybe it doesn't have to be me.

Everyone, enjoy this
nameless doll that isn't me!

But she's sexy and an entrepreneur,

and you can be, too!

Emily Ratajkowski wrote a book.

Will you accept this, Rose?

So pretty!

Well, good news, I got your
name taken off every doll.

You won't earn a single cent,

which means I won't earn a single cent.

Integrity! It's great.

(SIGHS) You are no longer a USA Bae.

Look, I'm really sorry

that you have to send your
coffee table back to Morocco.

It's fine. No, it's just that thing

was really gonna bring
my living room together.

But, glad you feel good
about your decision.

When I grow up, I wanna turn
a profit by turning heads.

Yep. Great.

I need this monster in my life.

Sully, I thought you had

that early morning flight to Luxembourg.

He has some unfinished business.

He always does.

Hey, can you get us some popsicles?

Yeah, but there's only
one grape one left,

and you know Spencer's gonna be...

(SCREAM)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

And now, his business is finished.

♪ ♪

Ooh!

MAN: He hates these cans.