02x09 - iHit Something

[bunniefuu]

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- (CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHS): Okay.

Carly, it means so much
to me that you agreed

to go to my hospital prom.

I'm honored. I've never been
to a prom at a hospital before.

But is it cool if I
sneak away at some point

and have a doctor look
at my jacked-up elbows?

Hey, guys, we should
probably hit the road,

but I'm having trouble
finding the hospital on my GPS.

Yeah, it's not coming
up on my phone, either.

(LAUGHING)

I can't believe you fell for it.

Fell for what?

You've been pranked by the Prank Prince!

There's cameras everywhere. (LAUGHS)

Excuse me, Carly.

So, we're not going to Grey
Sloan Memorial Hospital?

That's the hospital from
Grey's Anatomy! Durf. (LAUGHS)

So this is what you do?

You manipulate nice people
into doing nice things,

and then you make fun of them?

Yarp. It's hilarious.

Oh, man, I'm glad you're
not one of those girls

that gets angry at stuff.
Ugh, those are the worst!

Why would I be angry?

Now I have a $ hot pink satin dress

I'm never gonna wear again.

Prank selfie.

Say "hilarious". Pffft!

(WEAKLY): Hilarious. Yay.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

♪ I know ♪

♪ You see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give your best and
leave the rest to me. ♪

I cannot believe what
that fool did to you.

Oh, the prom fake-out?
Yeah, isn't it hilarious?

No, it's infuriating.

Immediately after I watched it,

I created a fake online
profile so we could catfish him.

(LAUGHS)

Meet Lakeisha.

She's a young ingenue
hoping to strike it big

on the burgeoning Seattle
jazz scene. (LAUGHS)

Skoobidy, bup, bup, bitch.

Harper, calm down.

That prank got me a lot of followers.

And Chris and I are on each
other's close friends maps now.

He's buying illegal fireworks
in Vancouver as we speak.

Oh, my God. So cool.

Girl, I don't care!

You need to tell him to
go to hell and block him.

No. I will not choose v*olence.

Then why does it look
like you're murdering

that pillow you're knitting?

How many times do I have to
tell you this is crocheting?

I even crocheted you
that scarf that says,

"Crocheting and knitting
are two different things!"

Yeah, you don't seem angry at all.

Okay, you're right.

But I'm dealing with it.

Good! Because keeping it
bottled up isn't healthy.

Actually, it is.

According to certified
joy-ologist Sunny Johnson.

Joy-ologist?

So an influencer who
listened to one episode

of a Goop meditation podcast,
now she thinks she a doctor?

Oh, she listened to all the episodes.

If anyone knows how to
deal with anger, it's her.

And she's coming over
to drink soft seltzer

and give me advice she only gives people

at Patreon level five.

We are so close to you
joining another cult.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Who's feeling bubbly?

Sunny!

Sunny Johnson, PhD.

That stands for "pretty happy, dude".

Oh, I'm Harper Bettencourt, IDGAF.

And that stands for "I
dance, gather and forage".

You guys are a hoot!

So, Carly, are you ready to
deal with your anger Sunny style?

Yes! Oh.

So, what is Sunny style?

When you feel angry, I always say,

"Girl, hit something!"

As in hit the gym and work it out.

Hit the grill and cook it out.

Hit the bar and drink
until you feel invincible.

That sounds incredible.

That sounds like alcoholism.

Have you ever thought about...

I don't know, maybe talking
to the person directly?

You are such a hoot!

You know, I think I get it.

We're influencers.

And our followers want authenticity,

so we curate a positive version of that.

Oh, so you lie.

You are such a...

If you call me a hoot one more time...

She seems nice.

♪ ♪

Ugh!

I cannot believe this
is happening to me.

I don't want to talk about
it, so don't bother asking.

- I won't.
- What's going on?

Finally. Thank you!

This is a confusing age.

I got partnered with Derek
Fox-Lubiner for my English project.

Derek Fox-Lubiner? The
coolest guy in school?

- This is a disaster!
- What? Why? Millicent's cool.

He's gonna make her do all the work

while he's off playing freeze tag

with the rest of the popular kids.

That was always my move.

Okay. Well, I'll call your teacher

and see if I can get
you a different partner.

Are you trying to destroy me? No!

- (SIGHS)
- Real confusing age.

Hey, m'dudes.

Oh, whoa, M&M, new kicks? I like.

Oh, you like? Well,
I like that you like.

Do all the kids at school call you M&M?

No, just D-money. And I'm the
only one who calls him that.

Oh. Well, what are you
guys working on, D-money?

I'm gonna throw this one to M&M.

Why? You got a freeze
tag game to get to?

- What's freeze tag?
- I don't know.

Something stupid Freddie
keeps bringing up.

The project is called "Page to Plate".

We have to cook a meal based
on the Irish tragedy,

"A Christmas Pie for Emily".

Yeah, 'cause you know
how in books there's pages

and in food there's plates?

- Oh.
- Yeah, I got that.

Yeah, me too.

And then we get to write a report.

Millicent is so good at reports.

OMG, stop it, I'm dead.

- I'll go find a table.
- 'Kay. (GIGGLES)

Well, now I see why you were so nervous

to be paired with Derek.

You like him.

Oh, my little girl's
becoming a little woman.

And here comes a little tear.

You're way too young to have a crush,

so I forbid it, crush
over. Problem solved.

Hey, not-the-father, calm down.

Let's just let the wonder of
Millicent's first crush unfold naturally.

"First". Yeah. We'll go with that.

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER)

Nice day of not dealing with
the root cause of your feelings?

Yes. Thank you for asking.

We hit the mall, the bar, the gym.

Kind of wish we swapped the order.

I'm really sorry I threw up
on you during Hot Bitch Yoga.

Oh, I saw your Instagram.

And it seems like it
was definitely about

addressing your feelings

and not at all about making peace signs

and sticking your tongue out

as if the picture was taken by mistake.

I feel so refreshed
and just free of anger.

Carly, you're rage-knitting again.

It's rage-crocheting!

Oh, my God.

Sunny, what do I do? It's still in me.

Don't worry, Carly.
It's going to be okay.

There's still one more thing we can hit.

(GRUNTING)

Each other.

Ladies, welcome...

... to Influencer Fight Club.

I don't know how yet,
but this feels r*cist.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Influencer Fight Club is basically

"Girl, hit something" on steroids.

Which, by the way, do not mix well

with the diarrhea tea that sponsors me.

(GROANS)

Is this a squid game?

No. This is a safe place
for us nice influencers

to get our anger out in private.

(INFLUENCERS GROANING)

And you're part of it now.

Aw. You think I'm nice?

Let me guess, the first
rule about Fight Club

is you do not talk about Fight Club.

No. That's just an
incredibly obvious given.

The first rule is protect the face.

These babies are our moneymakers.

(GRUNTS)

I gotta go. The diarrhea
tea's kicking in.

If you get in that ring,
Carly, two words: throat punch.

Are you actually suggesting

that I stay here and I fight someone?

Oh, it's kind of like kickboxing,

and I do that every week.

Plus, it might actually
help you get out your anger.

Harper, nobody thinks I can fight.

The Army told me, "Nah, we're good".

♪ ♪

Oh, look. A Christmas pie recipe
that takes less than five hours.

I wouldn't mind spending
five hours with you.

- (CHUCKLES) Derek.
- What?

I was just saying your name.

Ha. Nice. I'm gonna go pee.

Nice.

(SQUEALS) Derek
Fox-Lubiner likes Millicent!

I wonder if the restaurant in
the Space Needle is available

for a Christmas Eve wedding in .

Whoa, lean back, Fat Joe.

Sure, it seems like
Derek is reciprocating

Millicent's feelings,
but don't you think

that's a little convenient?

Kid's up to something.

This is not good, guys.

I'm trying to focus
on my English project,

but all I want to do is listen to Adele

and think about D-money on a Jet Ski.

I'm gonna go make you some oolong tea.

It's perfect for when
you're longing for someone.

(LAUGHS)

I can't talk right now.

Okay, fine, Mom, you were right.

I just had to be nice, and now she does

whatever I say.

(GASPS)

Spencer! You were right about Derek!

He uses jojoba oil to
get that hair volume?

No. Do...

He's just being nice to Millicent

to get her to do whatever he says.

(GASPS) I invited that
boy into our family.

J'ai reçu ce garçon
dans notre famille.

That means the same thing.
I'm just learning French.

We should split the work.

Maybe one of us does the report,
and the other does the pie?

You're so smart and talented.
I wish we had two of you.

Wish granted. I'll do both.

Lame!

Lame means cool now.

We have to tell her.

Let me do it so I can
gloat about being right.

No, we can't break her heart.

What if we convince
her not to like Derek?

(GASPS) Sorry, I can officially sleep

with my eyes open now.
Did you say something?

♪ ♪

If we sneak out of here,
do you think they'll notice?

Unfortunately, they will.

My presence in a room is unmissable.

But, look, let's just take a
lap and get a lay of the land.

Carly! I'm Kelly.

- (GRUNTS)
- I am such a fan.

I really hope I get to fight you.

It would just be an honor to
wipe the floor with your ass.

The honor would be my ass's.

(SIGHS) Don't worry.

Most people don't even
need both their kidneys.

I'm Elena.

You're the girl who takes topless photos

in front of national landmarks.

That's me. Mammifest Chestiny.

And wait, you the girl
who takes bottomless photos

in front of w*r memorials.

Yep. Purple Heart, White Cheeks.

People online are always
pitting us against each other.

They're trying to make us like
the Nicki Minaj and Cardi B

of tasteful patriotic nudity.

Yeah. And luckily, when I
want to throttle the neck

of every commenter who criticizes us,

I can come here and just, you
know, smack somebody around.

And then I feel better. Self-care.

Or you could just limit your comments.

Or even not read 'em.

Nah, we'd rather come
here and fight it out.

Most people don't even
need both their kidneys.

You already said that.

Well, obviously, it bears repeating.

Maybe we should leave.

The one in the far corner
with the wide-set eyes

has been mad-dogging my liver,

and last time I checked,
I need both the ones I got.

Where do you two think you're going?

Oh, um...

If it's your first night at Fight Club,

you have to fight.

Have to, as in must to?

You've seen Influencer Fight Club.

To make sure you won't
tell anyone about it,

you must become one of us.

Wait, so you're blackmailing me?

Uhm, it's African
American-mailing. And yes.

I told you this place was r*cist.

♪ ♪

Hey. Hey! (YELLS)

Okay, look, we gotta
be brutal and honest,

like an Estonian mother.

No. No, this is gonna work.

I can convince Millicent
not to like Derek.

She is not gonna take
your advice on romance.

You haven't had a girlfriend in years.

I literally have a girlfriend right now.

No, I don't think that's right.

Hey. How's the project
going, Milli Vanill'?

Great! I suggested we
dress up like characters

from the book, and Derek said, "Lame".

Lame means cool now.

So I gotta get a costume together.

It's gonna be like a
date, but schoolwork.

So a fun date.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check out
this app I just downloaded.

It shows you with one
hundred percent accuracy

what you're going to look
like when you get older.

I couldn't help myself and
I uploaded Derek's picture.

- Woof. Am I right?
- Aw.

Does this mean you think
we're gonna grow old together?

Do me next!

Well, that failed. Time
for the Estonian approach.

I'm gonna need an egg.
Preferably pheasant.

Duck will do.

No, let me... let me break it to her.

(SIGHS) Hey, Millicent...

I gotta tell you something.

I overheard Derek telling
his mother that he was

just being nice to you to get
you to do whatever he says.

We thought you should know.

I thought you should know
earlier. I'm the hero here.

Why the heck would I want to know?

You've ruined my life!

Now I have to go
scratch out our initials

from a lot of trees.

♪ ♪

(CHEERING, EXCITED CHATTER)

You got this, Carly Shay.

And if you don't, you can
catch up on TV in the hospital.

Come on, girl. Hit something!

But again, not the face.

I'm rooting for you, Carly!
I got a hundred on Sunny,

but I'm rooting for you!

Okay, here we go.

Totally hitting you.

Definitely gonna hit you.

Am I doing it?

Okay, let's make that $ on Sunny.

(LAUGHTER)

What are you two laughing at?

Can't you see I'm fighting
for my life in here?

Carly, this is, like, the funniest video

you've ever been in. So good.

CARLY: I've never been to
a prom at a hospital before.

Is it cool if I sneak away at some point

and have a doctor look
at my jacked-up elbows?

CHRIS: That's the hospital
from Grey's Anatomy!

You've been pranked by the Prank Prince!

I can't believe you fell for it!

Pffft! Pffft! Pffft!

Hilarious.

(SCREAMS WITH RAGE)

ALL: Oh!

Oh, God! I am so sorry.

You will be hearing from my lawyer

if there's any lasting
damage to my face.

But I am proud of you, girl!

(LAUGHING): Oh, man!

I got you all so good.

Pe, pe, pe, peo!

Chris? What are you doing here?

I've just been following you
around on the close friends map.

Oh, so you're just a stalker?

Yeah, but, like, in
a funny way. (LAUGHS)

And then I saw this whole fight club.

Once I post this video
of all you influencers

b*ating the hell out of each other,

everyone's gonna know
you're all fake. (LAUGHS)

But, like, not in a funny way.

Prank, prank! Pffft!

People aren't just mad
at me for punching Sunny.

All the influencers at Fight
Club are losing brand deals.

Oh, man, Sunny lost her
contract with Live Laugh Loofah.

The shower scrub that
offers words of affirmation?

It gets rid of dead skin
cells and negative thoughts.

She gonna be dirty and sad.

This is all my fault.

Oh, that's one way to look at it.

What's another way?

Oh, there's really just the one.

Well, it's Chris's fault, too.

He used a map for evil.

Like a pirate.

Yes, let it out.

He targeted me for being kind.

That's right, get mad!

You know, I'm a nice person,
but don't fudge with me!

Mm-hmm.

Girl, hit something.

He's not even good at pranks!

He's not!

And you never unload the dishwasher.

I won't argue, 'cause
you're making progress.

And Meyer lemons taste
the same as regular lemons!

They're sweeter, but go on, sis!

Yes, give me those tiny punches.

And they picked Bran to be king?

Bran? He was gone for a whole season!

- I feel so much better.
- All right!

You want to buy some Live Laugh Loofahs?

No. I want to rake my nails
across Chris's eyeballs

until blood spurts out of
them and I can drink it.

Okay.

I see you've reached catharsis.

Now you just need closure.

What I need is a straw so I can drink

Chris's eyeball blood.

Okay, yeah, maybe I need some closure.

♪ ♪

Millicent, why are you all dressed up

if you're just gonna confront Derek?

Have you ever heard of a revenge outfit?

The zipper got stuck.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

What's lame?

Derek. Sit.

Ah.

Does anyone else want to sit too?

- I'll stand, thanks.
- You do you.

I will do me, but not
because you told me to.

Did you say something
to your mom on the phone

about being nice so that
"she does whatever you say"?

- Yes, but I was...
- But, but, but, but, but!

I should have known better
than to fall for your tricks.

After all, I am human, while you have

the emotional intelligence
of an energy drink.

Millicent, I was talking
about my puppy, Athena.

I've been having trouble
with her, but our trainer said

if we were nicer, she
would do whatever I say.

BOTH: Oh...

But you made me do all the work.

I didn't make you. You offered.

Which makes sense, 'cause you're
really good at doing projects.

And I'm really good at
having cool haircuts.

I was just trying to make you happy.

BOTH: Aw.

Why would you want me to be happy?

Because D-money loves her.

M&M, you're smart. I think you know why.

Space Needle? I'd
like to book a wedding.

Christmas Eve, . I'll
be paying in crypto...

She hung up.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

My lil' Milli Vanill' has a boyfriend.

Oh, wow, a boyfriend. Um...

When you say the word like that,

just out loud, you
know, with your mouth...

Catch me, dude.

- I'm gonna faint.
- Oh, I got you.

Got... there he is.

♪ ♪

I'm ready for closure.
With my cathar-sisterhood.

I never should have
taught you that word.

Shut up, he's here.

Hello? I'm here for the
discount illegal fireworks.

Oh, Chris. (CHUCKLES)

Chris, Chris, Chris.

Carly. I didn't know
you were into fireworks.

Want to go grab come M- s
and piss off some dogs?

There are no fireworks, Chris.

It didn't tip you off when
Lakeisha the jazz singer invited you

to the very warehouse
Fight Club was held in?

No.

All right, bye.

Kelly, get the door.

♪ ♪

What, am I supposed to be scared?

Okay, I'm scared.

You should be.

You hurt my feelings when you took
advantage of my kindness, Chris.

You hurt 'em real bad.

I thought we were
friends. Friends, Chris.

Like the show.

What do I have to say to make this stop?

Oh, you don't have to say a word,

'cause we're gonna say 'em all.

(CLAMORING)

Oh, okay. Is this a prank?
Where are the cameras?

Oh, no. This isn't a prank.

This is just for us.

And it's gonna be healthy as hell.

You're up, Kelly.

(CLAMORING, CHEERING)

Chris, because you exposed
Influencer Fight Club,

all of my sponsors dropped me.

(DISAPPOINTED SIGHS)

I mean, I got new ones

and I actually make more money now,

but you made me do paperwork.

(GASPING, MURMURING)

Hey, Chris!

(CHEERING)

Influencer Fight Club was the only thing

that brought me happiness and
you took that away from me.

Whose ass am I supposed to kick now?

I think Chris's ass.

(YELPS, MOANS)

Right in the moneymaker!

(CHEERING)

(THUDDING)

Hope he still has that hospital gown.

- Smackdown selfie?
- Oh, yeah!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

♪ ♪

You pranked him with a fake
fireworks sale? That's nothing.

Just let me have this.

Plus, your Pranks Anonymous sponsor

said you shouldn't even
be talking about pranks.

I'm not! I'm talking about

other ways you could've gotten closure.

Like putting clear
nail polish on his soap,

or replacing every book in
his apartment with Twilight,

or sending him a photo of me

licking all of his
pens two weeks earlier.

Oh, God, I've got a
taste and I need more.

- I gotta prank! Hold me back!
- (BOTH SCREAM)

- It's not working! You're too small!
- I know!

- Get bigger!
- I can't!

(SCREAMS) Where's my pranking kit?

Ooh!

MAN: He hates these cans.