03x07 - candy asses

[bunniefuu]

- (ORGAN PLAYING)
- (CHOIR SINGING)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

♪ ♪

- (ORGAN STOPS)
- (SINGING STOPS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANING, GAGGING)

(SHARON MUTTERING)

(HEAVY BREATHING, GASPING)

(GROANING CONTINUES)

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

(CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

(BREATHING SLOWS)

- (GROANING STOPS)
- (CAR DEPARTS)

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Here we go. Guys, you ready?

- (ALL AGREEING)
- All right, roll and music!

(UPBEAT THEME PLAYING)

Hello. I'm Gene Cousineau,

and I'm a mask collector.
"Wait a minute.

"Isn't this supposed to be
a Master Class in acting,

given by the great performer
Gene Cousineau?"

You're saying to your
laptop or mobile device,

and, yes, it is.

Don't fret it.

And by the end of this class, hopefully,

you're gonna be a mask
collector, too, God willing.

Let me give you an example
of my favorite masks.

Hamlet. To be or not to be!

Is that the question?

Stanley Kowalski. Stella!

Get down here!

Get down here! I want to eat!

A cop in "Serpico."

(DEEP VOICE): Hey, Serpie?
Are you goin' against us?

(NORMAL): You see?
These are not literal masks.

They are roles that you're
gonna play in this class,

and they are gonna change your life.

Now, yes, I have given
students the tools

to go on to great careers.

This class is not about
entrances and exits.

It is about reaching into your soul,

pulling out that muck, and
throwing it on the stage.

- Hey! I'm actin' here!
- (LAUGHTER)

Ratso Rizzo.

So, are you ready?

You better be ready
'cause the curtain is up,

and the spotlight is on you,

and welcome to "Gene
Cousineau's Master Class."

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE)

- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: And cut.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay, um, that was good.
I'd like to try one more.

- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Resetting!
- No slouching, class.

Um, y-you're not at home
playing video games.

I need you to lean in and pay attention.

Whoever's on the, uh, taxi,

try starting earlier on
entrances and exits.

Other than that, very
good. Let's go again.

GENE COUSINEAU: Got a laugh on the taxi.

Yeah, I saw that.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SPITTING, COUGHING)

(DEEP GASP)

(GAGGING)

(PAINED BREATHING)

(GRUNTS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Ah! f*ck!

(PAINED WHEEZING)

(KIDS PLAYING, LAUGHING)

(WHEEZING)

(WHEEZING)

(COUGHING)

(PANTING)

(WAVES LAPPING)

(SEA BREEZE BLOWING)

(WAVES WASHING ASHORE)

(BANGS WHITEBOARD)

Everybody read the outline on ?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, how we feel about it?

- So good. You slayed.
- k*ller.

- Awesome.
- Anyone else?

SALLY REED: I have a question.

Uh, there's that... great scene

where Medusabby is hooking
up with the bartender,

and the snakes keep
falling out of her hat?

- That's funny.
- That's not supposed to be funny.

- It's supposed to be real.
- Oh.

Um, right. Well, the...
snakes on her head felt real.

But then, she turns him to stone.

But then, she's still
horny, so she sucks

and then eats his d*ck.

Is that literal?

- What else would it be?
- SALLY: Um...

(NERVOUS LAUGH) Well, I was
thinking that maybe it could be...

more of a conversation.

Like, uh, it could be about
her longing, maybe.

Or, you know, like how she
can't get close to people

because of the whole snake thing.

I guess I just... I just wanna
know what she's thinking.

She just wants to get laid.

And it's funny.

SALLY: Right, but if
she wants to get laid,

then why does she bite his d*ck off?

What?

She does have a point, Mel.

So... (SIGHS) J-j-just...

(SIGHS)

(DEEP SIGH) Hm...

Wow. Good job.

- That was ballsy as f*ck.
- Really?

- Oh, my God.
- Yes.

You said everything we've been thinking,

but never would've said
in a million years.

How the f*ck is he a showrunner?

He's been around for forever.

I think he was a writer on
"Everybody Loves Raymond."

- (LAUGHTER)
- What's that?

CLAIRE: Some new show that
thinks they're just hilarious.

GREG: Apparently, the
showrunner is a f*cking party.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

The villain of the show

who's also... wait for it,

- wait for it, the love interest!
- (LAUGHTER)

Okay!

I know, I know, I know.

(NATALIE CONTINUES, MUFFLED)

He'll be like, (SILLY VOICE):
Hello! My name is Mike!

(CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

NATALIE: And I'm gonna be like...

(SILLY NOISES)

Make me an appointment
at the acupuncturist

where Chloe Grace Moretz gets hers done,

but make sure that it's
with the tattoo guy

and not the fangs girl
because I did not like her.

Okay.

(SIGHS) Ding-ding! Oof, I'm hungry.

- But not for any of that stuff.
- (DING)

(DOORS SHUT)

- (CLICK, BUZZER SOUNDS)
- (ELEVATOR STOPS)

So you have your own show?

- NATALIE: Yeah.
- Hm. What's it about?

I play a single mom.

I have a cupcake store with
my daughter in Central Park.

- What's it called?
- "Just Desserts."

So you stole my show.

No. It's actually a really
important story to me.

It's not a story.

It's a f*cking math equation!

I'm actually feeling really
uncomfortable right now.

You have nothing to say about anything.

You've never struggled a day
in your whole f*cking life!

Nobody's ever put a hand
around your f*cking neck!

This was my story! (GASPS) My story!

You don't even have a f*cking daughter!

- Neither do you, Sally.
- (SCREAMS)

You are nothing without me!
You are nothing!

Nobody stupid piece of sh*t!

I brought you into the fold

and this is how you f*cking betray me?!

I cubed your carrots for you.

You entitled c**t!

You entitled f*cking c**t!

You entitled f*cking c**t!

(SCREAMS)

- You entitled f*cking c**t!
- (DING)

(DOORS OPEN)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

- (TRAFFIC NOISE)
- (STREET CHATTER)

(BOLIVIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

NOHO HANK: Cristobal Sifuentes?

Cristobal Sifuentes!

(HORN HONKS)

- (YELLING IN SPANISH)
- (CLAPPING)

- Excuse me! Do you speak English?
- (CLAPPING STOPS)

No. (YELLS IN SPANISH)

Do you know where the
Sifuentes family lives?

They dr*gs.

Yes. Yes, they do deal dr*gs. Um...

Do you know where maybe?
A house or apartment building?

Maybe a cross street, perhaps.

(CHATTER, MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BLOWS)

Yep. Okay. That's what I
thought you were doing,

but did not want to be rude, so...

(WAVES WASHING ASHORE)

(CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

(WAVES WASHING ASHORE)

- (HEAVY BREATHING)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BARRY GASPS)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(WIND BLOWING)

(SOUND FADES OUT)

(SPOOKY VOICE): Ooh...

Ooh...

Ooh...

- Ooh...
- (CROWD LAUGHTER)

GENE: No, no, no. Don't laugh.

Keep it going, kids.

Now! How do you feel?

- Like a ghost.
- Wrong. How do you feel?

- Embarrassed.
- She's right. Okay.

Now, do the scene.

Doctor, the generators are down.

If we don't get electricity
back in the park,

the dinosaurs will escape.

- Let's split up.
- Stop.

All right, do you see
the difference, huh?

It is all in the body.
It's much more real.

Now, I believe she's got the code.

He's going to ride the dinosaur.
It's all going to be fine.

You've got to embrace
your embarrassment.

(WHINY): I want a lollipop!

- I want it to be purple!
- (LAUGHTER)

(NORMAL): Do I look like
a fool? Not my problem.

You know, that was good.
I don't think there's any need

to switch out those students.

- So? How was that, boss?
- Yeah, fine.

So, you want me to mark
the first or second take?

(WHISPERS): You know,
I haven't done this in years.

I have no f*cking idea what I'm doing.

(WHISPERS): Do you need a minute?

I don... I don't want him to know.

Okay. I won't tell him.

No, dude, I'm having... a
full-on f*cking panic att*ck.

Hey, don't panic. It looks really good.

- It does?
- Yeah, you're doing great.

What was your name again?

It's Sheryl.

Sheryl scripting. Thanks, Sheryl.

(NORMAL): Mark take two.

- Mark take two.
- Okay.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Jim Moss?

Ken Goulet.

JIM MOSS: Mind if we go for a drive?

FUCHES: And, seriously,
I don't know what happened,

but, uh, the cops just let him go.

So here's my card.

Address is on the back.

You know this how?

- He told you.
- Nah.

Got my ways of finding out.

Couple of tours in country,

you learn some things.

I was in 'Nam.

- I was a fighter pilot.
- No sh*t.

Yeah. Got sh*t down. Captured.

(SCOFFS) Candy asses.
They make you talk?

I got in my interrogator's head,

and he ended up committing su1c1de.

Me and some of the other guys escaped.

You convinced your interrogator
to k*ll himself?

Yeah.

Some of the other guys said
I had an aptitude for it,

but, uh, I thought they
were just being nice.

But when I got to SERE school,

they pulled me out of class
and made me an instructor.

And the guy k*lled himself?

Hm.

Was he depressed?

I wanted my daughter,
Janice, to get into it.

She resisted.

She said, "Daddy, what
you do is f*cked up."

Did you get any sense of his home life?

Yeah, and then she went
and did her homicide thing.

I was proud of her.

(MUTTERING)

I mean, heh, he worked in a prison camp

in the jungle during Vietnam.

Seems like he might have
been a ticking clock.

I'm not saying, you know,
anything against you, man.

It's just... it might be a right
man, right day situation.

You know, for instance,
I got this super touchy cousin.

And one day at breakfast I said,

"Hey, Don, you don't know how
to make a proper short stack."

And he put down his spatula

and he went out back
and he hung himself.

I'm no kind of genius or anything,
but, uh, just a simple tonnage...

issue...

sh*t.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

That's him. %.

(SIGHS)

Okay, um...

Mr. Moss, he... kills your daughter,

and then he shows up at your door. Why?

(LAUGHS)

He was claiming that Janice's
k*ller was still out there.

Said it was a student in
Gene Cousineau's class,

Barry Berkman.

Fed me some line about
how I could get justice.

CHIEF KRAUSS: Gentlemen.

Respectfully, this is the Raven,

and he's trapped you like a fox.

If he gets Jim here to k*ll Berkman,

it throws suspicion away from him.

But we're not falling for that.

No matter how many people
tell us it was Berkman,

we know it was this guy.

- Who else said it was Berkman?
- Cousineau.

CHIEF KRAUSS: This is what
I'm talking about. Listen.

This Raven guy clearly knew Cousineau
was convinced it was Barry,

and he's trying to keep that lie going.

He's an evil genius.

I want to talk to Fuches
alone. No cameras.

- MAE DUNN: That's not how we do things.
- Whoa, Mae.

Hey, now, this is the FBI.

Okay? They're pros.

You want a phonebook to hit him with?

Sock full of coins?

(SHALLOW BREATHING)

(WEAKLY): Oh, no... No...

(SHUTS OFF ENGINE, REMOVES KEY)

Oh, no...

What's...

(SHALLOW BREATHING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(INHALES, EXHALES)

(DEEP BREATHING)

♪ ♪

(METAL CLANGING)

(GASPS, PANTING)

Hello?

Hello!

AKHMAL (WEAKLY): Hank?

Akhmal?

AKHMAL (STRONGER): Hank.

(RATTLING)

AKHMAL: Are you okay?

Are they torturing you?

AKHMAL: Yes.

They want to know about
you and Cristobal.

And how Fernando was k*lled.

Where are we?

AKHMAL: We don't know.

There are about four men.

And Elena.

YANDAR: Hank...

I'm almost out of my handcuffs.

I have one loose.

AKHMAL: He's bleeding very bad, Hank.

Um...

What can I do?

YANDAR: When I get
loose, I'll free Akhmal.

Be ready.

Okay.

(METAL CLINKS)

Okay.

(CRUNCHING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

- Hey, Lindsay.
- LINDSAY (ON PHONE): We have a problem.

- (SIGHS) What now?
- LINDSAY: I just sent it to you.

(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)

... this is how you f*cking betray me?

I cubed your carrots for you.

- SALLY: Oh, my God.
- Entitled c**t!

You entitled f*cking c**t!

- LINDSAY: She was recording you.
- SALLY: (ON VIDEO) Entitled f*cking c**t!

LINDSAY: "Medusas" sent it
to me. They're dropping you.

They don't feel like someone
who talks like this

belongs in their room.

- I have to post an apology.
- LINDSAY: No, you don't!

Listen, I-I'm coming over, okay?

- (PARTY CHATTER)
- BOB JACOBSON: That was perfect, Gene.

- GENE: Wow, really?
- BOB: Yeah, it was unbelievable.

I loved how engaged the class was.

I loved how warm you are on stage.

Now, I can tell...
teaching gives you joy.

You know it does.

- But what about Annie?
- BOB: Shh... where are you from?

Um, New York by way of Minnesota.

You're a talent.

Shh.

The way you photographed
Gene, you made him so, uh...

- Masculine?
- No.

- Uh, virile?
- No.

Rugged? Brawny. Gallant.

- Nope.
- Robust.

TOM POSORRO: Lantern-jawed?

- Un homme pour tous saisons ?
- No, no, no, no.

Tall.

Absolutely. He was like
a real giant out there.

He was, uh, very Adonis-like.

- Yeah.
- And actually, it was...

- it was all really due to Annie.
- Yeah.

Yes, I've got some other projects
that I'd love to talk to you about.

Who's your agent?

I haven't had an agent since .

Well, I could possibly
be of help to you.

BOB: (TUTTING) It doesn't matter.

I want to get you in a room.

- Very impressed.
- GENE: You should be.

You don't know what's coming
down the pike. She's incredible.

TOM: Absolutely marvelous.

GENE: I think she did great.

- (LAUGHS)
- (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Jim.

What are you... What are you doing here?

The man who, uh, took you out
to Janice's body contacted me.

Why?

He said he was some investigator.

He's in jail now.

How?

I took him there.

W... So he's talking to the police now.

What do you think he's saying?

He said your student
Barry k*lled Janice.

Barry's a good kid.

That's not in him.

I mean, you know he was in w*r,

and he's like a mixed-up dummy,

but he's a good egg.

He was with us at the cabin.

Now, I wish he was armed.

Maybe he could have k*lled
those guys that took Janice.

You know, those Russians, but...

(SIGHS) No, that's not in him.

Congratulations on the show.

- _
- I would like to sincerely apologize

for my perceived transgression

against my former employee...

Well, friend, and
employee Natalie Greer.

Now, despite the fact that the
four-letter word in question here

was traditionally used as a form
of kinship between women

and is widely used in Europe,

I do understand that I have
offended a few people...

- It's the truth.
- ... and for that I am deeply sorry,

but I just want to say be careful
who you trust, you know?

Because it takes a certain
type of person...

- to record a private...
- This isn't an apology.

- This is damage control.
- It's the f*cking truth!

It has nothing to do with
what happened with Natalie,

and frankly, it cheapens
what you set out to do

- with your show.
- (SIGHS) My show... is me, Lindsay,

- and she stole my f*cking show!
- If you had just let me deal with this...

instead... Why did you
have to say something?

Oh, f*ck off!

You don't care about me.

You don't care about "Joplin."

You just care about your commission.

"Oh! Oh! It's so important to have
a great relationship with BanShe!"

You want the relationship
with BanShe, not me.

You work for me!

And I am f*cking drowning!

And instead of trying to help me,

you're just trying to save yourself.

This is honest, okay?

This is the honest f*cking truth.

And if that makes me unhirable,
then I am f*cking unhirable,

but at least I told the f*cking truth!

SALLY: (ON VIDEO)
And I promise, going forward,

not to let that passion...

I have to drop you.

SALLY: (ON VIDEO) And I'm sorry.

Good.

'Cause I don't wanna work with liars.

SALLY: (ON VIDEO) And because
of that, I've made a donation

to BeatBackBullying.org...

Okay.

SALLY: (ON VIDEO) ... to share your
stories in the comments below.

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

(SHALLOW EXHALE)

(SHALLOW EXHALE)

GEORGE KREMPF: You know
the sound of kids' footsteps

early in the morning?

(SHALLOW EXHALE)

I still hear it.

I can hear him in his
room on his computer.

I'll talk to him from my office
across the hall. (LAUGHS)

Full conversations.

My wife says I'm... losing my mind.

She, uh, she thinks this city
turned him into some devil. I...

(SHALLOW BREATHING)

I never wanted to hurt
anyone my whole life.

Until we had Ryan.

Oh, the love I had for that child.

It terrified me. I mean...

What would I do if something
happened to him?

(LAUGHS)

A-and then I-I found
out what you did, and...

I can't.

(BREATHING CONTINUES)

I-I-I could leave you
here, and you'll rot.

But I can't.

Why?

(SIGHS) Why?

I want to see my son again.

(SHALLOW BREATHING)

(WAVES WASHING ASHORE)

(INAUDIBLE CHATTER)

(LOUD RUMBLING)

- (RUMBLING GROWS LOUDER)
- (OVERLAPPING VOICES)

PARAMEDIC: White male,
late s, self-inflicted,

possible DOA.

(AMBULANCE SIREN)

DOCTOR: Check those vitals!

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR)

Hi.

Listen, I'm gonna be
straight with you. Um...

You tell me what you
know. You cooperate.

I help you.

I told you what I know.

Why'd you go see Jim Moss?

To give him information about
who k*lled his daughter.

And who's that?

- Ask him.
- I'm asking you.

Hm...

Oh, by the way, those cameras are off.

Why?

ALBERT NGUYEN:
Because I asked them to be.

Know how I got this?

Shaving?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, no,
that's a bad joke. No. No.

No, I got this while I
served in Afghanistan.

Hm.

Yeah, see, we were on a patrol,

and then I got hit by a sn*per.

And my buddy...

Well, he wanted payback, but he
took it out on the wrong guy.

And then, he got discharged.

You're Albert.

I am.

Oh, my God.

How do you know Berkman?

I'm, uh...

- I'm his manager.
- His manager.

- Mm-hmm.
- What, like, for his acting stuff?

What... Look, dude,

I'm trying to help you here,
so be straight with me, okay?

- No, no, no. No, no.
- Is Barry caught up in all this sh*t?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

You served with a guy named Chris?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Too bad what happened
to him. (CLICKS TONGUE)

His wife and kids. How sad.

(INHALES)

Little Theo? Hm...

He still sleeps with his... with his mom

because he's afraid

whoever k*lled his daddy
was gonna get him.

Oh.

Kid's got intuition.

You ever wonder why Chris,
who never saw combat,

was basically a computer geek,

would even have PTSD?

Oh, he loved Sharon and Theo.

They were his whole world.

Why would he take himself out
knowing that something like that

would f*ck them up for life? Yeah.

Well, that, uh...

- (OPENS SODA CAN)
- ... switch you saw go off

when Barry was avenging you?

I harnessed that into a
very lucrative job for him.

One day,

sent Barry out on a mission,

went sideways, and, well, Chris...

he was at the wrong
place at the wrong time.

Saw some sh*t he shouldn't have.

♪ ♪

You know Barry still
participates in those...

charity runs that Sharon
does in Chris's memory?

(SIGHS)

Barry's a good guy.

(QUIET CHATTER)

DUNN: Oh. Hey, what did he say?

NGUYEN: You can question
him if you want. I'm leaving.

(RAGGED BREATHING)

(WAVES WASHING ASHORE)