08x02 - No Bark, All Bite

[bunniefuu]

[exciting music]

[exciting music]

[roars]

[roaring]

[Hiccup]

This changes everything.

Okay, help me out here.

So we're supposed to be mad at Johann for trying to systematically destroy everyone we know and love, right? Correct.

I say we drag him underwater behind a school of Scauldrons for ten miles.

I say we turn him inside out and feed him to a flock of Changewings.

Ha, I like it, Snotlout.

Sorry, sis.

- Gotta give credit where credit's due.

- [Tuffnut]

Here's my question.

Why do I have this nagging feeling of admiration for the guy? - That's because you're a moron.

- Yes, perhaps.

But consider this.

The man is a genius.

- A genius.

- A wunderkind.

- Wonder of a kind.

- An enfant terrible.

Don't know what that means.

He fooled everyone Hiccup, Stoick, Alvin, Dagur, Chicken.

- He even fooled us.

- [Snotlout]

Not me.

- I saw this coming.

- [Fishlegs scoffs]

You did? And you said nothing? There are times when you must learn the hard way, Fishy.

- And I find - [all]

Shut up, Snotlout! [grunts]

Hiccup, look, your dad hates being made a fool of.

This we know.

But the sooner we tell him and let him calm down, the better for all of us.

Oh, you're right.

I mean, he knows everything that's going on in the Archipelago, right? Maybe he already knows and he's cooled down.

[Stoick]

I'll split his bony butt in two! I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is the first the chief's hearing of it.

I want all the food gathered from Johann's last shipment.

Now! Hey, Chief? We had a long, slow flight in.

A little power nap could really hit the sp What? What was that? A power nap, you say? Who said that? We don't need no stinkin' power naps! [yawns]

I am ready to go, Chief.

Hmm.

[grunts]

[grunts]

And that's everything.

- Skullcrusher, fire.

- [Hiccup]

What? [stammers]

Dad? Uh, don't Don't you think maybe we should have checked it first? Why? I assume you did the same on the Edge, as any sane Viking would do.

No.

The plan was to test it and see what was safe to eat.

That sounds like half a plan, son.

The second half needing to figure out what to do with the riders you k*ll with that poisoned food.

I vote for a new plan.

Yo, whoa, Dad! Dad, uh, food is one thing.

But all of Gothi's medicine? Anything made from Johann's supply of willow bark.

[grunts]

[Hiccup]

Whoa, Dad! It's what needs to be done.

Uh, don't you think you're overreacting? You don't see me telling you how to run things on the Edge, do you? - The "half a plan" comment comes to mind.

- [Gobber]

Chief! Three new traders just arrived on the docks.

Ships stacked high with anything we could ever need.

Ah! I knew those scavengers would move in once they knew we were helpless.

Actually, they are three of the most trusted and experienced merchants in the Archipelago.

And you know that how? Because I sent for them.

[growls softly]

We need supplies, Dad.

[indistinct chatter]

[sniffs]

Smells fishy.

Too tall.

Shifty eyes.

Pack up your garbage and take to the seas.

We're not interested.

[all gasping]

Y-You barely even looked at them.

I saw enough.

Did you happen to notice that none of those traders had willow bark? Gothi's medicine.

How can we trust anyone who doesn't consider our health and well-being first? Hmm.

He's actually got a point there.

[Hiccup]

And he's gone.

Oh, great.

What now? Leaving to get more willow bark, I assume? [groans]

Uh, that's the general idea.

Dad, maybe now would be a good time to sit down, come up with a plan.

Already have a plan.

Right up here.

[Toothless purrs]

Do you care to share said plan? Yeah.

Didn't think so.

[Gobber]

Uh, Chief, now that you've got the bark shortage well in hand and and great plan you you've probably got up there perhaps we could give one of the traders a go.

It seems a shame to let all those wonderful spices and silks just float on out to sea.

Fine.

Pick one.

But it's only on a trial basis.

And make sure they have everything else we buy honey, furs, the lot.

- I don't want to hear the first - Right-o, Chief, got ya.

It's all or nothing.

Okay, then, I'm off to pick our new trader.

Shouldn't be too difficult, right? [laughs, sighs]

Right.

Good luck to us both.

[Toothless purrs]

Okay, they're both going.

We go to plan B.

[Snotlout]

Man, I'd hate to be in your shoe, Gobber.

- I mean, if you pick the wrong one - Uh I mean, I didn't think the chief could possibly get in a worse mood.

[Ruffnut]

What you think he'd do to Gobber if he made the wrong decision? All right, all of you! Out of here, and let me think! Come on, Gobber.

It's not that hard.

You can do this.

[chuckles nervously]

[dramatic music]

What? - Anything I can help you with? - Oh, no! Hey! Dad, hey! Funny seeing you up here.

I thought you could use this map from Gothi.

It demarks all the islands with willow bark on them.

[dragons howling]

- Hey, Dad - I see it! Ah! D-Dad, we might want to go around the wild dragon stampede, as opposed to J-Just a thought.

[howls]

[Stoick grunting]

Oh, you want to play with fire, do you? Skullcrusher and I had it all under control.

I'm sure you did.

But think how terrible you'd feel if you hurt one of those dragons instead of scaring them off.

[groans]

Uh, Dad? You okay.

H-Hello? [tense music]

Strange.

The first place we go happens to be on fire? - It's almost like someone - It's not the only island on the map, son.

It's just a minor setback.

Let's get a move on.

[Toothless howling]

I know, bud.

I know.

- [Astrid]

Gobber? - I can't do it! Look at all his fragrant crispy apples.

Her sweet golden honey.

And these figs.

Oh! Have you tasted this man's figs? Gobber, we haven't tasted anything.

In days! Gah, I wish I was fig-tasting.

Well, maybe you should.

Maybe you all should.

Maybe we all should.

Hmm.

I like the way these traders think.

We'd like to propose a competition of sorts.

A competition? To display the quality of our livestock, our produce, our spices.

A cooking competition.

A cooking competition? Why didn't you say so? Uh, hello? They're merchants, not chefs.

What is this gonna prove? I'm so hungry, they could cook like Ruffnut, and I'd still gorge myself until I was sick.

Either way you end up sick.

Preach, brother.

Oh, or peach, brother.

You know, whichever you prefer.

I personally would prefer the peaches.

I'm starving.

- Stoick did burn a lot of our provisions.

- Good point.

[chuckles]

Gather in your Great Hall and prepare for some of the most delicious meals you've ever tasted.

May the merchant with the best victuals win! And may Ruffnut and I officiate! Judging we shall go! [quietly]

What were you saying about peaches? [sniffing]

Whoa! Uh, we need bark.

Not the whole tree.

[laughs]

Oh, that's a good one, son.

Telling your old man how to gather bark.

[growls, sniffs]

[snarls]

- Dad! - Not now, son.

Oh, come on.

- I told you this wasn't a coincidence.

- Hiccup! [both grunt]

[grunts, screams]

[both grunt]

[Stoick]

Ha-ha! Yeah! That's right! Try us again, and you'll know what real pain is! Good boy, Skullcrusher.

I thought Johann was smarter than this.

He is smarter than this.

What are you saying, Hiccup? His plan can't just have been to set a couple of fires or ruin all of our food.

There has to be more to it.

You're giving the man too much credit.

Sometimes a plan is just a plan, even if it's a bad one.

Now, if you'll excuse me Ah! [indistinct chatter]

Oh, oh! What do we have here? Yak chops with a light dusting of paprika-infused wheatgrass? A bold move.

A bold move, indeed.

But let's see how the umami flavors play with the meat's salinity.

[both munching]

I have no idea what those two are babbling on about.

Oh! Can't say that I really care.

This smells so delicious! Ha! Do you believe these mutton heads? Letting the twins tell them what to eat? Talk about sheep mentality.

[Trader Zachariah]

And now, fresh out of the coal oven, honey-roasted boar butt! Hands off my end piece! Don't you know that's the butt's butt? [Stoick]

Once the dragons are rested, we'll get a move on.

The next island on this map is halfway across the Archipelago.

Dad? What now? Just listen to me for a second.

You've known Johann for years Not this again.

All of this cannot be about us flying around looking for tree bark.

It makes no sense.

Okay, then, what would you have us do? Stand around, think of a plan, write it on a wall, perhaps? Go over it again and again? It'd be a lot better than flying off half-cocked with no supplies and tired dragons.

Oh, I must have forgotten.

I'm talking to the expert in getting duped by Trader Johann.

Maybe.

But I was only duped for half as long as you were.

So what does that make you? [gurgles]

[growls]

- [Hiccup sighs]

Dad.

- Don't apologize.

- Too late for that.

- I wasn't going to.

Do what you like.

You know where I'll be.

[Toothless grumbles]

Oh, yeah? Well, you try talking to him.

[growls]

Mmm.

Oh! After a seven-course meal and a palate-cleansing aperitif [both belch]

We are ready to announce the winner.

[dish clatters]

[cat yowls]

The winner who is [clears throat]

- Nobody! It's a tie! - Hey! Wow! Who could have seen that coming? How about a sudden death? Best cheese plate wins! Cheese plate? No.

Sudden death? Coming right up.

Served cold.

[all shouting]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[groans]

Snotlout, out lout.

[squealing]

[belches]

Ha! [grunts]

[both grunt]

Aah! [whimpers, groans]

[all clamoring]

[indistinct shouting]

Oh! No, no, no! [grunts]

Nobody messes with my dragon! Ah! [man]

Watch out! [roaring]

How gallant.

Risking everything for your miserable island and your worthless dragon.

[grunts]

Johann was right.

So predictable.

You might as well save the men, Krogan.

You'll never take Berk! From the looks of things, we already have.

[grunts]

Ah Hmm.

- Hiccup - Dad? - No, you.

- Go ahead.

No.

You're the chief.

But you are next in line.

- I may have rushed to judgment.

- I could have been more decisive.

Look, Johann's got us so turned around, we're spinning out of control.

- Aye, he does indeed.

- Okay.

Full disclosure.

I had no idea how to test the food for poison back on the Edge.

Isn't that what Snotlout is for? [both laughing]

I should have just picked one of those lousy traders, even though they had no bark and all the same fish.

Out with it.

Well, it seems like a pretty big coincidence.

No bark, the same fish.

Wait.

That fish what kind was it? I was so busy acting like a child, I only saw it for a moment.

- It wasn't Ice Tail Pike, was it? - Hmm.

Indeed it was.

That's what Singetails eat.

Oh! You were right not to trust them after all.

Ah, Johann's sent us on a wild-goose chase to get us far away from Berk.

Let's go, bud.

Leave it to those fools to forget about Gobber's old hook-hand.

[stammers]

Wha Hmm.

[grunts]

Ah.

Way to go, Gobber.

Way to say your plan out loud.

I'd clap, but Oh, wait.

My hands are tied.

Of course, they didn't count on my secret w*apon.

You been holding a peg blade? Hope you have a permit for that.

Hiccup made it for me last birthday.

Handy.

Gobber! Huh? [chuckles]

Ha.

[rope snaps]

Fishlegs.

[indistinct chatter]

That's right.

Keep walking.

Nothing to see here.

Certainly not saying our plan out loud, right, Gobber? Does this one ever shut up? How do you all stand it? Ha! You think he talks a lot? You have no idea.

Try spending a day with me.

[all grumbling]

[Tuffnut]

Yeah, that's right.

I'm world-ranked and peer-reviewed as the best blatherer in the Archipelago.

Hmm.

[Tuffnut]

So if you think I'm gonna take being implied as a tier-two talker and not think twice, you are sorely mistaken, monsieur! I demand an apology forthwith, henceforth, and with force.

[growls, chuckles]

[grunts]

Aah! [all clamoring]

Aah! Oh! [grunts]

[straining]

Locked from the outside.

After all that, and we can't get out of here? Who said the idea out loud? Huh? Who did it? Gobber? [shouting]

[banging on door]

[man]

As high as you can get it! [man]

No sign of the Dragon Eye Lens.

No matter.

By the time Hiccup and Stoick return, we'll be reinforced with troops, our defenses will be fortified, and with all of Berk as our bargaining chip, we'll get anything we want.

[roaring]

Most of the guards are outside the Great Hall.

Must be where they're keeping everyone.

Then why's he taking that ballista to the arena? Because that's where the dragons are.

He's gonna use it on them.

[Stoick]

Ah, wait, son.

My island, my plan.

[dragons howling]

What? [grunts]

[both exclaiming]

[both clamoring]

Give it all you got, Skullcrusher! [shouts]

You might want to turn around.

We don't take trespassers lightly on our island.

Your island? Your island?! [roars]

That's it.

Let's see your best.

[grunting]

Clever ruse, Stoick.

I fire, and the door caves in, freeing everyone inside.

Not as dumb as he looks, unfortunately.

[dragon roaring]

[straining]

Like fish in a barrel.

[both laughing]

Oh! [both grunt]

That should do it.

What? [grunting]

Fire! - Steady, lads! - Stay down! Toothless, look out! [all straining]

There! Oh, come on, come on, there's got to be a way to disarm this thing.

Huh? Toothless? You got something? Aah! [all shouting]

Ha-ha! A page right out of Stoick the Vast's playbook! [grunting]

[panting]

[groaning, howls]

[sighs]

[roars]

Well, come on already! Let's not drag this out! [roaring]

Just in time, son! Heck of a plan, Dad.

Do you think one more of you is going to make a difference? This is finished.

Who said it was just one more of us? [distant roaring]

Now, Toothless! Fire! [all screaming]

[indistinct shouting]

You're right about one thing, Krogan.

This is finished.

Enjoy your remaining days.

We will do what we set out to do! Everyone okay? Johann has no idea what he has started.

[man]

A little higher now! [woman shouting]

Well, nice of those traders to leave all these leftovers.

You make it sound like they had a choice.

[Stoick chuckles]

Hiccup, I said a lot of things yesterday that came from a place of anger and were not meant for you.

Yeah, me too.

You know, for the first time in a while, I had no idea what to do.

Hiccup, you've been at the Edge a long while now.

And you've done amazing things.

Things I could never have dreamed of.

But if I've learned one thing in the last 24 hours, it's that you and I we're better together than alone.

Berk needs you, son.

I need you.

Just think about it.

I can't believe Dagur has the gall to send us a box of flavorless wood chips for, quote-unquote, aid.

I mean, have you tried choking this stuff down? It's like, well That's willow bark, you knuckleheads.

Wait.

So this is actual bark.

This isn't bark-flavored food? [both laughing]

I have wood pulp stuck in my teeth! That means I have to brush my teeth! [Ruffnut laughs]

[Tuffnut spits]

Well, there's one problem solved.

That Dagur, he sure has changed, hmm? You have no idea what's gone on outside the Archipelago.

Then tell me, son.

I'm all ears.