(Metal bars clank)
Prisoner :
I'm innocent, I tell you!
Innocent!
Prisoner :
(Kissing sounds)
Chris:
The crusty cockroaches
Have a big lead
Over the soiled stinkbugs!
Prisoner :
Cram it, maclean!
(Maniacal laughter)
Chris:
Ooh! Lightning slips
Past duncan -
The heat is on!
Yeah! Look at that!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Well, well, well,
Look who finally came
To visit me
After a whole year!
Chef:
Come on, you've finished
Your sentence
For dumping toxic waste.
Whatever!
Think I'll stay right here.
Got everything I need,
Including chef . .
I made him from a cashew.
What's this?
Chef:
Yo' contract.
The producers have green lit
Another season.
So, you in?
It is on!
♪♪
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
(Whistling)
Chris:
Welcome to total drama
All-stars!
After my involuntary year-long
"Vacation,"
I really need to be
In a familiar environment,
Surrounded by the people
I love... To hurt.
(Devious chuckle)
It's a condition of my parole!
Except for the "hurt" part, huh,
That's all mclean.
So I'm bringing back fourteen
Td all-stars
To battle it out
In the most dangerous,
Death defying,
$ , , Dollar competition
Ever!
And here they are now!
From "revenge of the island,"
Say hello to...
Multiple mike,
A.k.a. Chester,
Svetlana, vito, and manitoba!
Mike's crush, pushover
Turned powerhouse, zoey!
Zoey:
(Sharp breath)
Mike!
Chris:
Athletic non-supporter...
Lightning!
You call that a dive?
Watch this!
Sha-aaagh!
Bubble boy brainiac,
Cameron!
Cameron:
This is highly illogical!
Chris:
Gregarious mutant-loving gamer,
Sam!
Sam:
Not cool!
Chris:
Challenge-throwing dirt farmer,
Scott!
Scott:
Aggghhhhh!
Bossy bruiser jo,
Who dominated
Who dominated until
Her underling turned on her!
Jo:
(Struggling grunts)
You're a dead man, mclean!
Aggghhhhh!
(Chuckles)
And from our original cast:
Cranky know-it-all c.i.t.,
Courtney!
Courtney:
This is not in my contract!
Chris:
Courtney's bestie turned
"Boyfriend stealer," gwen!
Gwen:
He wasn't her boyfriend
At the tiiiiime!
Broody bad boy, duncan.
Duncan:
Bring it on!
Chris:
Devious diva, heather.
Heather:
I hate chris!
Chris:
Loveable lamebrain, lindsay!
Lindsay:
I'm flying!
(Terrified shriek)
Super fan, sierra,
Total drama's
Number one stalker-
Uh, blogger!
For codyyyyy!
(Huge splash)
And feral freakshow,
Ezekiel!
Ezekiel:
(Snarling)
Contestants:
(Concerned gasps)
Huh?! What?!
Chris:
(Mischievous laugh)
Kidding!
No way is that guy
Comin' back again!
(Snaps fingers)
(Cannon blasts,
Ezekial shrieks)
(Sighs)
Man, it's great to be back.
Contestants:
(Coughing)
Chris:
Greetings, old friends!
(Coughs)
I am not your friend.
Aw, somebody misses
Her hunny-bunny.
Who, alejandro?
As if!
I'm glad he isn't back,
That handsome jerk.
You're gonna pay
For my dry cleaning!
No I'm not.
New contracts, 'member?
Same old chris,
Same old disgusting island.
What was I thinking?!
In fact, we've got a lot
Of big changes this season.
For one,
The island is now percent
Toxic waste free.
What?!
I only came back
To get up close and personal
With some toxic goop
So I can become
A kickbutt mutant,
Like my gal dakota.
Gee, too bad.
Guess it's gonna be
"All pain no gain"
For ya, huh?
(Laughs)
On the upside,
I've upgraded
Your accommodations.
This season,
The losers still have to sleep
In a stanky old cabin...
Competitors:
(Groaning and grumbling)
Chris:
But the winners get to stay
In the all new eco-friendly
Maclean spa hotel,
Complete with butler, hot tub,
And -hour masseuse!
Competitors:
(Enthusiastic cheering)
And in honour
Of your all-star status,
I'm dividing you into teams
Based on your past performances:
Heroes versus villains!
(Static buzzes)
Obviously I'll be on
The villains' team,
And I'll be running it by lunch!
(Static buzzes)
Heroes versus villains?
Guess duncan and I won't be
On the same team.
Unless chris considers
Duncan a hero.
(Chuckles)
Yeah right!
Chris:
Heather, duncan, lightning,
Jo, scott, and gwen.
From now on,
You're the villainous vultures!
Lightning:
Sha-team!
Gwen:
What?! Why am I
On the villains team?
Because you stole
My boyfriend
And became
The new heather?
Yeah, what she said.
But I've done
So many good things!
I'm not a villain!
I'm nice!
Being bad is cool!
And now we're on
The same team.
So that's good, right?
I guess.
(Static buzzes)
Aw, man! I only came back
For gwen.
She better not sulk
The whole time,
Or I may as well be
Dating courtney!
Chris:
Mike, zoey, cameron, sam,
Courtney, lindsay and sierra -
You're the heroic hamsters!
Courtney:
Excuse me?
How are hamsters heroic?
It was that,
Or the "heroic hippos."
Hamsters it is!
Jo:
Wait a minute,
They have seven people
To our six. No fair!
I needed the seat on the plane
For that ezekiel prank!
Fine,
You can have the robot.
(Wheels squeak,
Robot beeps)
I thought your robot
Could talk.
Meh.
The communication chip kakked
While I was in the hoosegow.
Was that english?
(Robot beeps)
Keep your distance,
Toaster.
(Static buzzes)
Ugh!
There's something about
That robot
I just don't like.
This year's challenges all nod
To classics from the past,
But with harsh new twists
To make this the toughest
Total drama season ever!
Your first challenge?
Find the key
To the spa hotel!
And you'll do it
In an homage
To total drama's
First ever challenge:
Cliff diving into water
Infested with ravenous sharks!
Scott:
(Gulps, fearful)
(Static buzzes)
(Shudders) oh... Okay,
So maybe I have a phobia
Of sh-sh-sharks.
Can you blame me?
(Static buzzes)
Chris:
Once you dive into the water,
Try to avoid the sharks
Long enough to snag a key.
And choose wisely -
Only one of those suckers
Is the real deal.
Assuming you live long enough
To reach dry land,
A teammate will drive you
To the hotel
In one of the baby carriages
From season three's:
"Race through central park."
First team to unlock
The spa door wins,
And someone from team loser
Will be going home tonight.
Meet me at the base of the cliff
In minutes.
Chop, chop!
Mike:
Wait! Shouldn't we change
Into our swimsuits
Or something first?
Chris:
Sorry! No time!
(Robot's wheels squeak)
Heather:
Ugh! I said keep away from me!
Sam:
So, sierra,
What brought you back?
Sierra:
I wanna win for cody.
We would've won last time
If I didn't accidentally
Blow up the plane.
Oh yeah!
Your hair grew back nicely.
Thanks! It's tough to be apart
From my man,
But it's too dangerous
For him here.
And I'm sure
I can handle it long enough
To win the million.
(Cries)
I miss my codybear...
So much!
Excuse me!
Uh, watch it,
Old heather.
You watch it,
Newbie!
Gwen:
Guys, just because chris
Labelled us "villains"
Doesn't mean we have to act
Like villains.
We're a team.
We should work together
As a team!
Villains:
She's right! Yeah!
Oh, sure thing!
Heh. No way is that
Going to happen. I...
Jo:
Don't trust...
Duncan: anyone...
Scott: on this...
Robot: (beeps twice)
Lightning: team!
Gwen:
Heh. I think that went well!
Villains:
(Cackle evilly)
Ugh! Courtney keeps
Glaring at me
Like she's trying
To set me on fire.
Duncan:
I'll give her a glare-back
For ya.
Uh, hello?
Courtney?!
Hey!
I'm used to having girls
Yell at me,
Even punch me.
But blank me?
That's... That's just wrong!
Uh, I mean, pfft!
Whatever.
Psst! I think duncan
Wants you to yell at him.
You know,
For old times sake!
What's the point?
He never listens.
Besides,
It's over between us.
He's a bad boy,
I knew it couldn't
Last forever.
But gwen?
I thought we were friends.
(Sighs) last time
I make that mistake!
Lindsay:
(Gasps) you know how
To stop making mistakes?!
Teach me!
Chris:
(Laughs) greetings,
All-stars!
Competitors:
(Coughing and choking)
Chris:
Here are your carriages:
Blood red
For the villainous vultures,
And purest gold
For the heroic hamsters.
You've got seconds
To pick your carriage drivers,
Starting... Now!
Scott: I'll drive!
Jo: no! I'll drive!
Lightning:
Sha-please!
You're the slowest
Go-cart driver ever!
Jo:
But I'm also the shopping cart
Racing circuit champion.
No I'm not.
I just said that because...
Gotta respect
Championship status.
Jo drives!
(Static buzzes)
Scott:
Aw, come on!
Gwen:
But, jo, wouldn't you make
A better diver
Since you're so athletic?
Nobody tells me what to do,
Goth-ball.
And don't even try
To kiss me!
(Gasps) what?!
After three seasons
Of kindness,
I'm reduced to "evil kisser"
Status?!
For the last time,
Duncan and courtney were over
Before he and I started!
You can't steal a boyfriend
If the boy is free!
Chris:
Ten seconds!
You can do it.
Lindsay:
Uh, maybe you should do it!
(Annoyed huff)
Lindsay will do it!
Lindsay:
(Impact grunts)
Chris:
Okay, everyone but jo
And lindsay
Up the cliff you go!
Competitors:
(Exhausted panting)
Lightning:
Sha-first!
(Competitors pant,
Robot's wheels squeak)
Sam: oh...
Cameron: ungh! Oh...
Zoey, mike and scott:
Aggghhhh! Fang!
Gwen:
Who?
Chris:
Who's the best
Key spotter?
And who's dead
In the shark-infested water?
Find out when we return
On total... Drama...
All-stars!
Chris:
Places, people!
It's divin' time!
(Laughs)
Scott:
A-a-after you, i-i insist!
Heh.
One diver per team
At a time.
The next diver has to wait
Until their team's carriage
Returns.
Ready, set...
(Air horn blasts)
Woo! Lightnin' strike!
Courtney:
Waaahhhh!
Lightning: sha-bam!
Courtney: aggghhhh!
(Spits)
Sha-score!
Jo:
Yes! So long, sucker!
Chris:
And the villains
Take the lead!
Courtney:
(Panting)
Go, go, go!
Which way is the hotel again?
Courtney:
Ugh! Nevermind,
I'll do it!
Chris:
Up-bup-bup-bup!
No tradesies!
Gotta stick
To your designated driver.
Courtney:
Fine. Ugh! Just push!
Okay.
How do you push again?
Courtney:
Arrrgh!
Jo:
Listen, you don't like me
And I really don't like you -
What's not to like?
Muah!
You're kidding, right?
Point is,
We're the strongest members
Of our team.
Agree to stay
Out of each other's way
Until the teams merge?
Cool. But then it's every champ
For himself,
Starting with number one,
And that's me!
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, key,
Get in the lock!
Jo:
It doesn't fit
Because it's the wrong key,
Bright-ning!
Ugh! Wrong key!
Lindsay:
Ooh, maybe they left
A window open?
Come on, come on.
Sierra:
You know,
A lot of my blog readers
Were mad about you guys
Hook up,
But I get it.
Love is love!
Just like me
And my cody-wody.
Yeah, we're just like
You guys.
Here comes jo!
How 'bout a kiss
For luck?
Uh... No time!
Duncan:
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh...
Aggghhhh!
(Water sloshes)
(Vicious chomp)
Duncan:
(Panting)
Let's roll!
Courtney:
Hurry up!
They're still ahead of us!
Sierra:
For codyyy!
Yee-haw!
(Water splashes)
Mike:
Uh-oh. Think she's okay?
(Hard whacks)
(Bubbles sputter)
Oh, I found one
That looks like cody!
Courtney:
Urrrrrgh! I don't where
You learned to push a...
Sierra: yahoo!
Courtney: no, wait!
Sierra:
Ungh!
Lindsay:
(Straining grunt)
So - unnnggghh! - Heavy!
Sierra:
Sorry, I had a big breakfast.
Jo:
Listen up, short pants,
I'm in charge.
Get in my way
And I'll make your life
A walking nightmare.
Duncan:
Ha! Trust me,
I don't wanna be in charge.
But feel free
To knock yourself out trying!
Really?
Duncan:
No go, it's a dud.
Way to pick the wrong key,
Dud-can.
Ha! Good one.
Thanks?
Wow! Someone who finally
Appreciates my k*ller zingers!
Sierra:
Aw, cody-key's too small.
Back we go!
Courtney:
(Groans weakly)
(Muffled cry)
Sierra:
Do you hear something?
Zoey:
Oh, there they are!
Lindsay:
(Exhausted groans)
(Kiss)
Good luck!
Mike:
(Dazed gibberish)
Abababha...
Gwen:
(Yelps and screams)
(Water splashes)
Gwen:
(Gasps) whoa!
N-n-n-nice sharks!
(Gasps)
Gwen!
(Whack)
Sorry!
(Hard whacks)
Mike:
Thanks!
Sam: (chuckles) cool!
Heather: whoa!
Well, after all the times
He's saved me,
I owe him one.
Gwen:
Hurry!
Jo:
You think I don't know that?!
Sierra:
It's all yours!
Courtney:
(Whimpering)
Wait!
(Groans weakly)
Sierra:
Hmm! So that's why it felt
So lumpy!
(Grunts)
Darn it!
Ugh! How hard is it
To pick the right key?!
Gwen:
Guess you shoulda been a diver,
Huh?
Lindsay:
(Pants weakly)
(Grunts)
Mike:
No. Back we go!
Lindsay:
Ugh...
Sam: here goes!
Heather: finally! Agghhh!
(Water splashes)
No!
(Garbled scream)
Aggghhhhh!
Heather:
Sucker!
(Groans)
(Pants)
I haven't been this tired
Since I ran that septathlon.
Heather:
It doesn't fit!
Come on, let's go!
Sam:
(Pained groans)
Lindsay:
(Strained grunts of effort)
I want to win the million
So I can spend it on
A lifetime supply of lip gloss,
But I forgot how hard this is.
Never thought I'd say it,
But...
No lip gloss is worth this!
Duncan:
It's you're turn, man.
Scott: (straining)
No! You can't make me!
Lightning:
Oh yes I can!
(Grunts of effort)
Courtney:
Here comes lindsay!
Mike:
Good luck,
Not that you'll need it!
Duncan:
You have to dive!
It's you or the robot,
And I'm pretty sure the robot
Isn't waterproof!
Yeah,
But it's sh-sh-sharkproof!
Lindsay:
Aw... (Grunts of effort)
And the heroes take the lead
For the first time
In this challenge!
Villains:
Dive!
(Loud thump,
Robot squeaks)
(Beeps "uh-oh")
(Heavy metallic clanks)
Duncan, scott and lightning:
(Gasping and cringing)
Heather:
So long and good riddance.
(Muffled clunking)
(Electricity fizzles)
(expl*si*n)
All:
(Awed gasps and screams)
Heather:
You have got to be kidding me!
Last thing I remember,
I was b*rned to a crisp
By the volcano
And chris sealed me up
In that robot suit "to heal."
It feels so good to be free
After all this time.
I must thank scott
For his cowardice!
Villains:
Yeah! Go, alejandro!
Agh! Uh-oh!
I was stuck in that robot suit
For a year.
My legs are so asleep,
It's like they're in a coma!
Wakey, wakey!
Nothing.
Zoey:
Wrong key!
So much for our lead.
Lindsay:
(Surprised gasp)
Jalapeno?!
When did you get here?
Alejandro:
Silly lindsay,
I was here the whole time.
Alejandro: finalmente!
Jo: finally!
Chris:
The door is open!
The vultures win!
Zoey and lindsay:
(Irritated groans)
Chris:
Welcome to our first
Elimination ceremony.
How do you like
The new peanut gallery? Huh?
Now, winners can watch their
Opponents give someone the boot
Before they head
To the spa hotel
For a deluxe dinner.
Villains:
(Snicker) yes! Woo-hoo!
Hey.
Even though I technically
Didn't do anything wrong,
I'm sorry about the way
The whole duncan thing
Went down.
Uh, here, I picked these
Just for you.
(Sneezes)
Oh no!
You're allergic?!
Told you you're a villain!
Achoo!
Before we start,
I need one winner to volunteer
For a special reward.
Ha! Sha-lightning!
Great!
Your reward is...
Spending the night in exile
On boney island
With all the hungry
Wild animals!
Aw! How is that a reward?
Because there's a maclean
Invincibility statue
Hidden somewhere
On boney island!
Find it,
And you're golden!
(Groans)
Now he tells us!
Chris:
This year, you get to vote
By placing an "x"
On the x photo
Now, get voting!
(Markers scratch
Across photos)
Okay. The following people
Are safe:
Cameron. Sierra.
Zoey. Mike.
And sam.
Lindsay,
You're on the chopping block
For your terrible
Driving skills.
And, courtney,
You're on the chopping block
For making lindsay drive!
Lindsay:
Yeah, what's the matter
With you?
And the loser is...
Lindsay!
Thank goodness!
Wait... Do I have to ride
That scary catapult thingy?
Nope!
This year, we've got a brand new
Elimination device.
Behold the flush of shame!
Patent pending.
Heroes:
Ugh! Ewww! Gross! Yikes!
Well, see you guys,
It's been...
(Remote beeps,
Toilet flushes)
(Lindsay screams,
Watery gurgle)
(Water sprays
And splashes)
Heroes:
Gross! Ew-ew-ew!
(Laughs)
Who'll be flushed
Into the history books next?
Find out
When we return on...
Total... Drama...
All-stars!
05x01 - Heroes vs. Villains
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Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.
Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.