05x03 - Saving Private Leechball

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last time on

"Total drama all-stars":

Our heroes and villains

Went digging

For buried treasure

And uncovered

A few nasty surprises.

(Chuckles)

Scott villain-ed it up

Big time

Trying to sabotage the heroes,

And when he got caught

He didn't take it so well.

But in the end,

The heroic hamsters

Were victorious,

And lightning,

Fresh from a hungry night

Of exile on boney island,

Made enough boney-headed moves

To get the royal flush

From his teammates.

Twelve competitors remain.

Which one of them will ride

The sewer system next?

Find out right now

On total... Drama...

All-stars!

♪♪

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

(Whistling chorus)

(Camera shutter snaps)

Duncan:

Ugh! I had almost forgotten

About these crud-tacular

Cabins.

Alejandro:

(Sighs) let us hope

It is our only visit.

Ow! (Groans)

I miss the hotel.

Now that I know

How rich people live,

Everything I used to like

Stinks!

Ow! Agghhhh!

Lousy discount bed!

(Hard punch)

(Pained scream)

Scott's okay.

At least with him,

You know what you're getting...

Which is crud.

But still, nice to know.

Well, good night,

Gentlemen.

(Contented sigh)

After a year

In that robot suit,

I find it difficult to sleep

If I'm all spread out.

(Crickets chirp)

Heather:

Thanks again for blowing

The challenge, jo!

Me?! You're the one

Who wasted time arguing

Instead of digging!

Heather:

I wouldn't have

Needed to argue

If everyone just did

What I told them to do!

I'm the one with the most

Experience on this team!

Gwen:

It's everyone's fault for not

Working together as a team.

Now cram it,

I am trying to sleep!

(Gasps)

Did that sound villainous?

I didn't mean to be harsh,

But... Ooh!

"Bunking with the bickersons"

Is driving me bonkers!

(Owl hoots loudly,

Crickets chirp)

Shhhhhh, sir.

(Hoots sheepishly)

Sierra:

There you go, codybear,

All tucked in!

Today was a great day.

I made some new friends,

And I helped win

Our first challenge.

Aw! You'd be so proud.

Sweet dreams!

Mmmuah!

(Sighs)

Weirdo.

(Long drawn-out sigh)

Oh, yeah. (Chuckles)

This is the life!

Yeah, but I feel

A little guilty

Looking at sam's

Empty bed.

I hope he's okay

Over on boney island.

Sam:

(Struggling grunts)

Whew!

(Chuckles)

That was too close.

Right, little guy?

(Chipmunk chitters)

Sam: ow! Whoaaa!

Oof! Agh!

(Pained cries)

I can't bear it.

(Snoring,

Mutters sleepily)

(Footsteps patter lightly)

(Snickers)

Perfect.

(Gameguy cracks)

(Snap)

(Inhales deeply)

What the...? How did i...?

(Gasps)

Oh no!

Cameron:

(Gasps) I've never seen eggs

So perfectly hard boiled!

The odds are ten trillion

To one!

Mike:

Maple bacon?!

(Laughs gleefully)

Let's never lose again!

It's not all perfect.

Hey, butler?

I've got a problem.

This juice is at least

Five percent too pulpy!

I thought you were supposed

To cater to our every...

Oh! That was fast,

But I'm sure it won't be...

(Slurps) perfect.

Chris:

Attention, campers!

Forest recon in five, over!

Listen, I'm sorry about

What happened yesterday.

You're right,

Teamwork is key.

Apology accepted?

Wow! Sure!

Teamwork? Ugh!

Don't make me barf.

I am still gonna take control.

Okay, you were right.

Teamwork is the way.

Truce?

Uh, sure.

And getting gwen on my side

Is the best way to do it.

After all,

Where gwen goes...

Duncan follows.

I know they're both trying

To play me...

And I love it!

For once I've actually got

A little power around here.

Go, team gwen!

Ugh! Courtney's glaring

At me again.

Can't you make her stop?

Love to, but right now

I'm blanking her

Like she's been

Blanking me,

So no can do.

But let me know

If you catch her

Looking my way!

Gwen:

(Disappointed sigh)

If you were my girlfriend,

I wouldn't let anyone

Gaze at you

Lest they spoil

Your ethereal beauty.

Just something to consider.

Heather and jo are trying

To lure gwen into an alliance

And I intend

To b*at them to it!

Then I'll be the one

That heather needs!

(Laughs)

Er, um, and jo.

Heather and jo.

(Chuckles sheepishly)

At ease, soldiers!

Let's all welcome back

Exiled hamster...

Sam!

Hey, sam!

How was exile?

Aside from the blinding hunger

And bear att*cks,

Pretty good actually.

(Grunts and groans)

Mike:

Don't worry, buddy!

We smuggled you breakfast!

You 'bots are

Expert-level awesome.

(Munching)

Mmm!

Maple bacon power pellets.

Courtney,

What did you bring sam?

No one told me

We were doing that!

Welcome to today's experiment

With your pain thresholds.

(Laughs)

Get ready

For an ingenious twist

On the w*r-movie challenge

From season two.

There are two w*apon caches

In the heart of this forest -

The big one is filled

With state-of-the-art

Paintball weaponry,

And the little one

Has a bunch

Of cruddy old

Paintball slingshots.

Whoever gets there first

Gets their pick,

And then you've gotta pick off

The competition.

Looking forward to it!

Chris:

You get one point for each

Opponent you splatter.

First team to six points wins.

And one of the losers

Will get a dishonorable

Discharge tonight,

Flush o' shame styles!

(Sighs) paintball again?

Ooh! Original.

What a twist!

Oh yeah, that.

One of the conditions

Of my parole

Is that I can't use

Or be around hard projectiles

Like paintballs.

So... Instead,

You'll be using...

Leeches!

Hamsters and vultures:

(Cringe and groan, disgusted)

Leeches?

Chris is really making us earn

The million this year.

Jerk!

As winners

Of yesterday's challenge,

The heroes get a full

One minute head start.

Hamsters: (cheering)

Vultures: (groaning)

Ready... Set...

(p*stol pops)

Ow!

Hamsters:

Woo-hoo! Go, go, go, go!

Go, team!

Sierra:

For cody!

Heather:

Know who could outrace

The hamsters

Even with a head start?

Lightning.

Way to ruin everything,

Jo!

We all voted him off,

Remember?

Alejandro:

We may not need to worry.

Sam:

(Panting heavily)

Mike:

We gotcha, buddy!

(Sighs wistfully)

Now that's teamwork.

Yeah, work together now,

Crush each other later.

Like you and courtney!

What?

Heather:

The allergy bouquet,

The stink b*mb...

I love how you insist

You wanna be friends

So she never

Sees it coming.

Uh...

Talk about

Evil genius!

But I really didn't do

Those things on purpose!

Really!

Sure...

Chris:

Villains, you're up

In three, two, one!

(p*stol pops)

Scott: hey!

(Laughs)

(High-five slap)

Courtney:

Move it! Hustle!

Or so help me,

You'll never see

Another sunrise!

Courtney is kinda

Scary sometimes.

(Inhales deeply)

And I love when things

Get scary.

(Malevolent snicker)

(Gasps) so, uh, uh...

What was I saying?

(Panting)

Does anyone know

Where the heart

Of the forest...

(Panting)

Is exactly?

I'll go get

A better look.

Zoey has some seriously

Impressive skills...

And that is why

She's got to go!

Over there!

Gwen:

Okay, they're heading left.

If we take another path,

Maybe we can cut them off!

Great idea!

Duncan:

Go, vultures!

Jo:

Yes we can!

Sam:

Need dakota.

She can carry me around

Like a gameguy.

Cameron:

That makes sense,

Since...

Sierra and cameron:

You are a real life game guy!

Sierra and I have

A lot in common.

We're both super smart

And we can both be a teensy bit

Socially oblivious sometimes.

(Knock at the door)

Sierra:

Cameron? What are you doing

In there?

Like I said.

Courtney:

The big one!

Go for the big one!

Whoa!

Where'd they come from?

Ha-ha! Suckers!

Courtney:

The small one!

Go for the small one!

Gross.

Mike:

Guess this is the low-tech crate

All right.

Aw, cute!

I think I'll call you

"Codys."

Vultures:

(Cheering)

Who needs lightning,

Am I right, people? Huh?

(Bang)

(Bam)

All: (in unison)

I'll take the cannon!

No, I'll take the cannon!

Argh!

We use it as a team,

Right, gwen?

Gwen: uh...

Heather: yeah, obviously!

Jo:

That's what

I was going to say!

Woo! Go, team!

So, heather, jo, and alejandro

Are making a play for gwen?

Why isn't anyone trying

To work me?

Probably 'cause

I can't be manipulated.

But they could at least try!

You guys are right.

We need to stop attacking

Each other

And start attacking

The other guys!

Fire the cannon!

(Thunderous boom)

(Mic feedback squeals)

(Sheepish giggle)

Whoops! Heh.

Being in charge

Is harder than it looks.

Tell me about it.

(Laughs)

The villains are off

To quite the start,

But which team will make it

To the finish?

Find out when we come back

On total... Drama...

All-stars!

Courtney:

Of course the villains

Get machine g*n sh**t.

We'll never b*at them

With these puny slingshots!

Sure we can...

Sierra and cameron:

If we're stealthy

And score first!

Ugh! Nerd love.

If you kiss in front of me,

I will throw up.

Oh, don't worry,

We're just friends.

Right, sierra?

Sierra:

Huh?

Sierra?

Is something wrong?

Uh... Nope!

Nothing's wrong, co-

Cameron!

All good!

(Awkward giggle)

Zoey:

A cave!

Sam can rest in there

While the rest of us

Take on the villains.

Sam:

(Groans)

Power levels low.

Mike:

Should someone stay

To guard him?

Courtney:

I'll do it.

I owe him for not bringing him

Some breakfast.

I knew courtney had a heart

Buried in there somewhere!

This is what

The smart leaders do -

Hang back

And let the foot soldiers

Take the leeches to the face!

Zoey:

We have to find the villains

Before they find us.

Stealthy forest manoeuvres?

Heh.

This sounds like a job

For svetlana!

(Inhales deeply)

Oh goody!

She's my favourite!

Svetlana?

Is that you?

(Sighs)

Nah, still me.

Okay, wasn't too long ago

I couldn't keep

My alternate personalities in;

Now they won't come out?!

Ugh! Ow!

Danged wall!

Am I right, chester?

Huh?

(Grunts)

Yo, vito, my shirt's off,

Come and get it!

Vito? Anybody?

Vultures:

(Grunts of effort)

Gwen:

We're easy targets like this.

Maybe we should ditch

The cannon?

Jo:

No way! I haven't even had

A turn to fire it yet!

Isn't that right,

Sweetheart?

Okay.

Then we should

Split up.

Agreed.

I'll go with gwen.

Heather:

No, I'll go with gwen.

Jo:

As if I'm letting either of you

Go anywhere with gwen!

Please attempt

To be reasonable!

Jo and heather:

(Overlapping arguments)

Alejandro:

Agghhh! I'm hit!

(Groans)

Sorry!

But not totally.

(Leeches blast)

(Cannon blasts,

Scott screams)

Scott:

Oh, come on!

(Groans weakly)

Chris:

(Laughs)

That's two points

For the heroes

And zilch for the villains!

But zoey only hit

Alejandro.

Chris:

True, but friendly fire counts.

What?

Dirtboy got in the way!

You can take your excuses

And stick 'em in your-

(Splat)

Aggghhhhhh!

Heather:

Agh! In my hair!

What is wrong

With you?

Chris:

(Laughs)

Make that three to zero!

Gwen:

Come on!

Heather:

Avenge me!

Jo:

I'll take care of zoey.

(Grunts of effort,

Defeated sigh)

Duncan:

Just pretend mike is courtney

And you'll clobber him

In no time.

Wait. Do you think

I've been attacking courtney

On purpose, too?

Pretty much, yeah.

You really think

I could be that vengeful?

You don't know me

At all.

Sierra:

Ha-ha!

(Leech splats)

It feels just like

Cody's kiss.

(Gagging)

Chris:

The villains lock into a point,

But the heroes still lead

By three.

Angle degrees,

Allowing for minimal

Wind resistance...

Duncan:

(In slow motion)

Nooooo!

(Gasps)

Duncan!

Sierra:

Great sh*t, cody!

Uh, did you just say...

(Pained cries)

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

(Groans weakly

And grunts)

Chris:

The villains score again!

But the heroes still lead,

Points to !

Wow! I can't believe

You just took a leech for me!

Well, guess you don't know me

That well either, huh?

(Splat)

Agghhh!

Mike:

(Laughs)

Sorry, couldn't resist

Taking a sh*t.

Chris:

It's to heroes -

One more point

And the hamsters win!

Pathetic!

Some team.

I'm stronger than old heather,

Ala-hand-walker,

Count gwen-ula,

Stunk-can,

And sharkbait combined.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea

To dump lightning so fast.

I told you

You'd regret it!

Ha! I win!

Sha-woo!

Jo: what the-?!

Chris: (laughs)

Chris:

He left a pre-recorded message,

Just in case.

Ugh!

(Tablet shatters)

Jo:

Smells like sweat

And bacon.

Sam.

(Hushed tone)

Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew!

(Splat)

Time to start

Evening the odds.

Courtney:

(Gasps)

(Panicked cry,

Leeches splatter)

Chris:

Five points to three.

It ain't over yet!

Let's make it five to four.

(Snickers)

(Slingshot creaks)

Nice try, apology breath!

(Trigger clicks)

Argh!

It's jammed!

Nice try,

Mean nickname-giver!

(Slow motion whoosh)

(Slingshot snaps,

Jo grunts and groans angrily)

Not sorry!

Chris:

This just in:

With a final score

Of six points to three,

The heroes win!

Although some of them didn't

Behave all that heroically.

(Pointedly)

Courtney.

My survival instinct

Kicked in!

Anyone would've done

The same!

Sam:

(Woozy groan)

Yay! We won!

(Coughs)

Chris:

Welcome back,

Villainous vultures -

Second elimination

In a row.

(Chuckles)

Way to lose!

Now, get ready

To cut someone loose.

It's votin' time!

Zoey:

Don't worry, sam,

No one's gonna make you go back

To boney island

Twice in a row.

Right, guys?

Cameron:

It's not that.

While sam was in exile,

Someone trashed his gameguy!

(Gasps) what?!

Who would do

Such a thing?

Huh!

I know, right?

It's so totally

Unexplainable.

(Nervous laughter)

His gameguy is really broken?

I thought that was

Just a weird dream!

What's happening to me?

Who do you think's

Going home?

My money's on jo.

Unless she can

Convince them...

Sierra and cameron:

To cut heather!

Oh, cody,

We really do think alike.

Yeah, except I'm cameron,

Not cody.

Oh, cody,

Don't be silly!

Who wants a foot rub?

Aggghhhhhh!

I saw season three;

I know what cody went through

With sierra

And no way do I wanna be

Cody number two!

She's nice and all,

But I'm not always great

With being touched.

Agghhh!

Get off me!

It's a problem.

Never said I was proud of it.

The votes are in!

But before I announce

Our loser du jour,

I need a hamster

To volunteer for exile.

Cameron:

Oh! Me, me, me!

Sierra: nooo!

Zoey and mike: really? What?

Don't you think someone else

On your team

Might be more deserving

Of a night on boney island?

(Coughs)

Courtney.

Cameron:

That's okay,

I want to go!

Sierra probably just needs

A little less cam time,

And I definitely need

A little less sierra time!

Zoey:

Good luck, cameron!

Mike:

He's so little,

Maybe the animals

Won't notice he's there?

Alrighty then,

Onwards and flushwards.

The following villains

Are safe:

Gwen,

Alejandro,

Duncan,

And... Scott.

Heather and jo,

You're on the edge.

Heather for being a pain

In the keister,

And jo for being

A pain the keister,

Who also took out

Her own teammate

In today's challenge.

Jo:

He should have ducked!

And tonight's flushee is...

Jo!

What?!

Are you all nuts?!

Chris:

But before we get flushing,

I want to do

A little reshuffling.

Today, one villain acted

More like a hero,

And one hero acted

More like a villain.

So pack your bags

And switch your teams...

Courtney and duncan!

Vultures:

(Gasp) what?!

Courtney:

I don't wanna be

A villain!

And I don't wanna be

A lame-o hero!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just do it!

Duncan:

(Sighs) it was fun

While it lasted.

At least now you have

To stop blanking me

And admit I exist.

Yeah, you exist.

So what?

Duncan:

I-i-i think I like

The blanking better.

So, uh, hey,

Welcome to the team.

Agh!

Agh! Ew! Aggghhhhh!

I swear,

I didn't see the pail!

Chris:

(Laughs) pure evil!

Am I doing it

On purpose?

Agh!

Chris:

Any final words?

Just flush it already!

(Remote beeps, toilet flushes,

Jo gurgles)

I will not miss her.

Tune in next time

For more sweet, sweet mayhem

Right here

On total... Drama... All-stars!