05x07 - Suckers Punched

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last week,

On "total drama all-stars":

The campers were treated

To a day in the fun zone,

Where anything can happen...

Except fun!

Heather found the hidden

Invincibility statue -

Too bad someone else found it

After her.

And sierra adopted a new,

Uh, pet!

In the end,

The heroes got the victory!

And alejandro was headed

For the flush of shame

Until he pulled off the biggest

Surprise of the night.

Way to play possum,

Captain secret legs.

Can the heroes hold their lead?

Will the villains live up

To their name?

Will my breakfast get here

Before lunch?!

Find out right now on

Total... Drama... All-stars!

♪♪♪

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪!

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be famous! ♪

(Whistling)

(Camera shutter snaps)

(Classical piano music plays)

(Chewing)

(Electricity crackles)

(Gasps)

Cody juniors!

Who let you out of your crib?

(Pained screams)

Bad codys!

Now that I'm responsible

For these little guys,

Or girls,

Or one guy, one girl,

I don't have time

To be in a relationship.

Mm, I just hope camdy

Doesn't take it too hard.

What's that,

Cody junior?

Ew!

Cameron:

Is toast supposed to be green?

Scott:

Mawmaw calls this

"Penicillin puree."

Never had a cold

In my life.

(Chomps and chews loudly)

(Gags)

Scott:

Well, well.

Wakey wakey, legs a-fakey.

It truly is a miracle

My legs finally woke up.

Now they can be put to good use

For our team.

After today

There won't be any teams.

What are you talking about?

There are only

Nine players left -

We have to merge soon.

And after what you did

To heather,

Good luck

Finding an ally, al.

I would prefer it

If you did not call me

That name.

Last night, I dreamt about

My older, smarter,

Better looking brother jose.

(Exasperated sigh)

He always calls me al

And I hate it!

More than mutant fire beetles

And conditioners

That don't detangle!

Scott:

What's wrong with the name al?

My sister's named al -

Short for albertha.

She's the county hog caller.

(Pig calling)

Su-wee! Su-wee!

Ow!

Chris:

Good soon-to-be painful

Morning, everyone.

Head to the chris-iseum,

Pronto!

Today's challenge

Isn't gonna hurt itself!

Sierra:

Hahaha! Ow!

That's enough, you two!

Aggghhhhhh!

Hey, we need to talk.

It's about mike.

What about him?

Wait.

Are you trying to form

An alliance with me

While he's in exile?

What? No! Look.

I knew I knew the guy

From somewhere,

But couldn't place it

Until I heard him whistle.

I am so not following you.

When I was in juvee,

So was mike.

(Laughs)

Oh. You're serious?

Mike was in juvee?

Yeah. Only back then,

His name was "mal"

And I think he liked

Being locked up.

He caused trouble

Just for the fun of it.

So why hasn't mike

Recognized you?

Probably 'cause

I steered way clear of him.

But think about it.

Guy with

Multiple personality disorder

Breaks cam's glasses.

He probably broke

My Kn*fe too.

And sam's gameguy,

And sierra's smartphone!

Which is so out of character

For mike.

But it's totally in character

For mal.

Hmm...

Thanks for telling me.

You're so thoughtful

And considerate.

No I'm not!

It's just...

There's only room for one

Bad boy on this island,

And that's me!

Intern:

(Screaming)

Sierra:

Codys! Leave that

Intern's face alone!

Chef:

Mike! Time to head back!

(Animals scream,

Chef cries out in pain)

(Groans and yelps)

Mal:

(Evil snicker)

Hey, chef.

(Grunts of effort)

Hello?! Somebody, answer me!

(Gasps)

You!

(Chuckles)

At your disservice.

But I got rid of you!

After juvee!

Silly mike.

I was just laying low,

Conserving my energy,

Waiting for my moment...

And it worked!

Now I'm in charge.

Mike:

Those are innocent people

You're messing with!

You have to stop!

Mal:

Stop? Oh... No, no, no,

No, no, no.

I'm just getting started.

No! No-no, wait!

Come back!

Chris:

Welcome to camp

Wawanakwa coliseum!

Scott:

A boxing ring?

Boxing?!

(Inhales deeply)

This is the last will of i,

Cameron corduroy wilkins.

Chris:

Lookin' rough, chef.

You have a run-in

With a big, bad, baby squirrel

Over on boney island, hmm?

That kid ain't right!

Mal:

Man, are you a sight

For sore eyes.

Greetings, playahs!

The recipe for today's disaster

Is a hearty helping

Of season one's

"No pain,

No gain challenge,"

With a pinch of phobia factor

For extra zing.

Not hungry.

Get ready to sink

Your soon-to-be-missing teeth

Into the "wheel of misfortune!"

The rules are simple:

Spin the wheel,

And go a full two minutes

With whatever the wheel

Lands on.

Win the match

And earn your team a point.

Fights will be judged

Impartially by chef and myself.

First team to win three battles

Is the champ!

But who's going to watch

The codys while I fight?

No one,

If they value their lives.

Now, let's get ready to pummel!

Uh, uh, hang on,

Where are the rewards

You promised zoey?

(Sighs) I was hoping

You'd forgotten about that,

But for being mvp

In the last challenge,

You don't have to box,

And the heroes get a point!

(Scoreboard dings)

Hamsters:

Woo-hoo! Hot stuff!

All right!

Zoey:

Thanks!

Since the villains lost

Yesterday,

They go first.

Who's rumble ready?

Scott:

Me. I'll go!

(Wheel pointer whirs)

Chris:

Say hello to your foe...

Fang!

Huh?

Aaaggghhhhhh!

Hello? Scott! Scott!

Come on, bro,

Move it or lose it.

Oh, I think that's

Already happened.

Fang:

Ugh! Agh! Oh!

(Pained impact grunt)

Courtney:

Wake up and smell the gloves

Hitting you in the face, scott!

Scott:

I likes you, purdy lady!

(Dazed laugh)

G'sleep.

Time's up and fang wins!

No point for the villains -

The score remains - heroes.

You should be ashamed

Of yourself,

You overgrown guppy!

(Grunts of effort)

Gwen:

Let me help.

Courtney:

Sure. Thanks.

(Gasps)

Did you see that?

Courtney treated me

Like a human being!

Woo-hoo!

Maybe gwen's paid her dues.

Besides, I don't think

I have to worry

About her kissing scott.

Ew! Has this guy

Ever washed his feet?

Scott:

You cannin' the toe jam

Already, cletus?

Chris:

Hero time.

Come on up... Sierra!

Why me?

Why not?

Good point!

(Giggles)

(Pointer whirs)

(Gasps)

No way!

I would never fight

My sweetie-pet!

Oh, you're not fighting

Your pet.

You're fighting

Your pet's mother.

(Ferocious roar)

I'm not afraid of a few heads

And a lot of teeth

And a bunch of claws!

What are the odds

Of sierra and scott

Both getting

Such personal opponents?

Astronomical.

I think I smell a rat.

Sierra:

Camdy, here.

Take the boys.

And I'm sorry,

It's just not gonna work out.

I'm breaking up with you!

I've never been dumped

By someone

I wasn't going out with before,

But...

Yes! Ow!

(Monstrous roar)

Bring it on,

Garbage breath!

Yah!

(Punching grunts)

(Timid laugh)

(Pained grunts and screams)

(Panting)

That's gonna hurt on landing.

(Crash)

Forget what I said.

I could never break up

With you, cam-ody!

Hee! I can't wait

For the teams to merge.

Then we can be...

Team cam-sierra-ody!

Nooooo!

Another pathetic loss

Means it's still - heroes.

Villains, you're up!

Alejandro:

I'll earn us a point.

I hope he gets heather!

Gwen:

(Giggles)

There's only one person

I'd rather fight

Less than heather,

And that person is...

(Gasps) no!

It can't be!

Everyone:

(Gasps)

Jose!

Ooh, doggie!

Does al have what it takes

To stand up to his big bro?

Or will baby fall down

Go boom?

Find out after the break,

Right here on

Total... Drama... All-stars!

Jose:

Buenos dias, al.

You look tired

And in need of exfoliation.

I exfoliate once a week.

And the only thing

I'm tired of is you!

I knew my dream was a sign!

My whole life,

Jose has been better than me

At everything:

Academics, sports,

And yes,

Even personal grooming.

Well, not this time!

Enough with the touching

Family reunion.

Start punching each other!

(Match bell dings,

Brothers grunt and growl)

Why are they just going

With body hits?

It's weird.

It is the family code:

Not the face.

Never the face.

Looks like the villains

Are gonna be shut out again!

Or should I say

"Punched out."

Your technique is almost

As embarrassing

As the way your girlfriend with

The unattractive personality

b*rned you

On national television!

(Laughs)

That's for calling me al!

That's for always hogging

The bathroom mirror! Ugh!

And replacing my soap

With a urinal cake! Ugh!

And this is for calling

Any aspect of heather

Unattractive!

Chris:

(Bell dings) whoa!

The villains get a point!

And now we all know

How alejandro

Really feels about heather.

Heather,

I know you're watching -

Call me!

And we're tied one all.

Hero time!

Mal:

Guess I'll go next.

Cameron:

What's the point in spinning

The wheel?

The game must be rigged!

Everyone:

Huh?

Sierra fights cody juniors'

Mom, scott fights fang,

Alejandro fights

His big brother -

The odds are too astronomical

For this to be random!

It does seem

A little rigged.

More like a lot rigged!

How 'bout this:

I guarantee the next spinner

Will have a non-specific-

To-their-personal-terror

Opponent, okay?

(Sighs)

(Pointer whirs)

Just watch, it'll be exactly

What mike's afraid of.

Chris:

Or is it what cameron's

Afraid of!

Cameron:

Ahhh!

Zoey:

I thought you were

Over spiders.

Cameron:

That is not a spider!

Greetings, spider food!

(Laughs)

(Shrieks)

It's an eight-legged izzy!

(Match bell dings,

Izzy sniffs the air)

Ugh, you smell weird!

Like a honey cruller

Wrapped in rotten ham.

Good on the inside,

Poison on the outside.

You're right! Help!

Mal is keeping me prisoner

In my own subconscious!

Wait!

Izzy:

Question! Who's mal?

Zoey and duncan:

(Gasp)

How does izzy know about mal?!

That's it, I'm making a deck

Of tarot cards!

They say the eyes

Are the window to the soul.

Time to shut that window.

Enough chitter chatter.

Mal and izzy:

(Fight grunts and screams)

(Bam!)

(Wham!)

(Boum!)

Mal:

(Grunts, malevolent laughter)

Izzy:

Aaahhhhhh!

Duncan:

See? That's what I'm talking

About.

Mike got right villainous

On that one,

But a point's a point!

It's - , heroes.

One more point

And they win the whole thing!

Wow. Um, where'd you learn

To do that?

I don't know.

It's like I wasn't even

In control.

But I feel way better

Now that I'm with you.

Chris:

Next up, the great doubter!

Cameron:

Now that spider izzy's gone,

Anything else should be

A walk in the park.

Chris:

Or a walk in an underground

Radioactive mine.

One blind gopher

Won't be so hard.

Me and my big mouth.

(Snarling)

Good, mutant gophers.

Nice, mutant gophers.

(Match bell dings,

Cameron screams)

Cameron:

(Pained groan)

Chris:

Well, that was fast.

It's still - heroes.

Up next, big bad thug

Turned lovable lug, duncan.

(Growls)

Would you quit that?!

Finally I can prove

My bad boy status

By kicking butt in the ring!

They're all gonna be sorry

They ever called me

"Captain sweetheart,

Or "mr. Nicepants",

Or worst of all...

Duncan do-right!

You ready for this?

Man, I've been itching

For a fight all season long!

Are you sure you don't wanna

Just give up the point

And call it off?

There's no calling off

The fists of five.

Chris:

But you might really

Hurt someone.

Well then,

It sucks to be someone.

Back home they call me

"Snake hands."

Psst, psst, psst!

Okay then, spin away!

Duncan:

Huh?

(Chirping)

Chris:

I believe you two have met?

Gwen and courtney:

(Laugh)

Where- where are the rest

Of them?

Rest of them?

Yeah. Uh, 'cause it'll take

A thousand puny birds

To make this a fair fight!

(Match bell dings)

Aw yeah, you're going down!

Get ready.

Any second now, bro.

Come on, seriously!

How am I supposed to fight

Something so helpless and weak?

Aw, man!

(Defeated sigh)

I give up.

Courtney:

Tough break, snake hands.

Zero points for duncan!

That'll get some hits

On the web.

Villains, who's next?

Gwen and courtney:

I'll go! (Giggle)

No, seriously, I'll go.

Oh! (Giggle)

Gwen. Spin.

(Pointer whirs)

Gwen:

Courtney?!

There must be some mistake!

(Laughs)

Oh man!

I have been looking forward

To this match all day!

Uh, I mean, how random!

Fight gwen?!

I can't!

I won't!

No way!

Gwen and courtney:

(Laugh)

Sorry, chris!

Yeah, I kinda figured

This would happen,

So as a bit of extra

Incentive...

Courtney:

What's that for?

(Kissing sounds)

Chris:

Isn't it awesome?!

The producers found it

On sierra's "gwuncan" blog.

Uh, courtney.

Remember.

We're past this!

We're friends again.

Grrr! I guess I'm not

As over it as I thought.

Sorry, gwen,

This is going to hurt you

More than it hurts me.

(Guttural growl)

That's for kissing

My boyfriend!

Gwen:

Agh! That's for him

Not being your boyfriend

When he kissed me!

Duncan:

They're fighting over me.

See? Girls don't fight over

A good guy.

Total bad guy, right here.

Awwww!

Aw.

Chris:

Okay, time's up!

(Match bell dings)

Gwen and courtney:

We're not done!

Both:

(Pant)

I only came back on the show

To make things right with you!

Ow!

I never really missed duncan!

But I really missed you!

Duncan:

Hey!

(Winded)

So, friends?

Totes.

Friends forever!

Sierra and zoey:

Awwwww!

(Sniffles)

For putting a little warmth

In my otherwise frozen heart,

I'm giving you both

One point!

That makes it - .

Villains win!

Villains: (excited cheers)

Heroes: (disappointed groans)

Mike was pretty vicious

With izzy.

Yeah, but it was a fight

Challenge.

Makes you wonder, though.

What if mike is the alternate

Personality,

And mal is the real deal?

(Gasps)

After all this time?

No! It can't be!

Although, when you really

Think about it...

(Gasps) no!

Hey, guys.

What are you talking about?

Nothing!

Uh, cars.

Okay, before we send another

Player to the sewers,

I have a wee announcement

To make.

Here comes the merge.

After today's

Show of excellence,

I don't need an ally

When we merge.

I'm a one man winning machine!

Tonight, the winners

Get to choose which player

Is eliminated

From the losers team!

Hamsters: (gasp)

Chris: hold that gasp.

And the losers

Are the choosers

Of which winner

Goes to boney island!

And the teams are not merging.

Now you may gasp.

Everyone:

(Gasps)

And there it is.

Now, villains,

Who's going home tonight?

Vultures:

(Indiscernible whispers)

Gwen:

It's okay. All right.

We've decided.

Reluctantly!

Very reluctantly!

To eliminate...

Sierra.

Me?! But why?!

You have a real cody back home

Who needs you -

For some reason.

Now run, sierra.

Run to him.

You mean swim.

But before sierra

Takes the flush of shame,

Which villain is going to exile

On boney island?

Heroes?

Heroes:

Alejandro!

Guy's a thr*at.

Mal's just lucky we couldn't

Vote for our own tonight.

Sierra:

(Crying)

Gwen:

Sorry again.

Say hi to cody for me!

Duncan:

And make more of those

"Gwuncan" videos!

What?

Hold your breath!

(Remote button beeps)

I'm coming, codyyyyy!

(Huge splash)

Big brothers,

Former competitors,

Surprising twists!

Can we top it?

You better believe we can,

Next time on

Total... Drama... All-stars!