05x12 - The Bold and the Booty-ful

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

Last time,

On "total drama all-stars":

The final five

Went on a slippery, saucy,

Sundae shopping spree

With extra "are you nuts"?

Speaking of slips,

Courtney probably

Should've destroyed

Her incriminating chart

Before mike got his hands

On it.

Or is he mal,

Now and forever?

Either way, thanks

To his latest dirty trick,

Zoey won the challenge

And courtney

Got the watery boot.

Four players remain,

But not for long!

(Someone farts)

(Nervous laugh)

Okay...

Who's going to the finale,

(Another fart)

And who's going

To get a bacterial infection

If "someone" doesn't stop

Using the flush of shame?!

(Yeti growls)

Chris:

Seriously, bro,

We put people in there!

It's all or nothin' time,

Right here on

Total... Drama... All-stars!

(Yeti farts)

Chris:

Eww!

♪♪

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

(Whistling chorus)

(Camera shutter snaps)

Scott:

I can't believe

Courtney's gone.

Now who's gonna yell at me

And make me do stuff

I don't wanna do?

Mal:

You two really had

A good thing going

Until gwen messed it all up.

Scott:

Yeah, she did,

Didn't she?!

I'm the last original cast

Member left on the island.

Yay me!

But if I'm gonna make it

To the finale,

I'll need a few allies.

Hey, scott.

How are you

Holding up?

Pfft!

What do you care?

Sorry, i...

I don't want

Your pity.

I want your head

On a platter!

But I just-

You're just gonna pay

Is what!

So much for making nice

With scott!

Yelling at gwen

Won't bring courtney back,

But it sure feels good.

Plus, now that

I'm the only real villain

Left on the island,

I've got a duty to churn

Everyone else up

Until they're as whipped

And stinky as...

Mawmaw's goat butter!

Man, I miss her cookin'.

The million dollars

Is in my grasp,

And still no one has a clue

That I'm not really mike.

(Chuckles)

I'm gonna use the prize money

To live like a real villain:

In a tower,

Preferably overlooking

A volcano!

I hope we hit

The club district soon.

Vito:

Nah, you ninny!

If this place

Has a "club district"

I'll eat my pants -

Without any katsup!

Unless you've got

Some on ya.

Quit holding out!

(Fire crackles)

Mike:

Manitoba! Finally!

Can't talk now -

Big quota to fill!

Mike:

What's mal making you do?

See them clouds?

Them's your dreams -

My job's to get rid of 'em

So you can never

Enjoy 'em again.

Ungh! Ungghhh!

Mike:

(Gasps) it's the dream I had

About kissing zoey in the rain.

Oh, I loved that dream!

So romantical!

Agh! Don't do that!

Love to, mate,

But mal's the boss.

Argh!

As soon as I regain control,

The first thing I'm gonna do

Is find zoey

And give her a real kiss -

One that mal

Won't be able to ruin!

Agh! Come on,

Stop burning up

My dreams!

Ah well,

We all gotta go sometime.

Don't you wanna

Be free?

But even if we could

b*at mal,

That'd just put you

Back in charge.

So how does that

Make me free?

Vito:

Oh-ay, he's right.

Why should you get

All the control?

'Cause I'm the first,

The original.

Ha! Where's the proof?!

Right here.

See?

Personalities:

(Shocked gasps)

Oh!

(Gasps) mal?!

Noooo!

Zoey: strange...

Chris: I am so bored!

I miss my cottage!

You mean "mansion"?

Anyway, I was kinda-

Did you know the soap here

Is made of soap?

What am i,

A peasant?!

And thread count

Bed sheets?

It's like sleeping

On sandpaper!

M'kay, I'd love to chat more,

But, uh...

I'm about to have

A bathroom emergency...

The expl*sive kind.

Gah!

Way to overshare!

Phew!

Okay, now,

Where was i...?

(Hard thump)

Oh! Alejandro did say

"Look in the art!"

Cameron:

Aggghhh! Ow!

Whoaaaa! Ungh!

Zoey:

(Gasps) so this is mal!

(Mike grunts)

(Deep inhale)

(Evil laughter)

(Electricity crackles)

(Wood splinters,

Water splashes)

(Air hisses)

Zoey: mike! Oh!

Oh no!

Surely he hasn't been mal

This whole time!

I can't believe how long

Mike's been mal! Ugh!

I feel like such a fool

For not realizing sooner.

Chris:

Good morning,

Final four!

Gather on the dock,

Pronto-rooni-o.

It's crunch time!

And by that, I mean

You're about to get crunched.

(Laughs)

So did you sleep well?

Not as well

As you might think.

Look, I know

It's been tough for you

To trust me this year.

But I really am back

In the driver's seat now,

Have been

Since the boat race,

And it's all

Thanks to you!

I promise,

I'm the same mike

Who gave you that bracelet

Last year.

Yeah, I wasn't sure

Who you were sometimes,

But now I know.

Mike gave me a necklace,

Mal,

Not a bracelet,

You weasel!

Chris:

Ahoy, mateys! Arr!

Come to me,

Faithful bird!

Oh, come on!

Stop frowning.

You look great

And you know it.

Hey, if you don't wanna be here

Then... (Boat engine rumbles)

That isn't what

I was gonna say!

(Sighs)

Sorry, it's just

Life is so hard

In the spa hotel.

I'm sick

Of roughing it!

And since I'm craving

The comforts of home,

I've come up

With a special challenge.

Your mission?

To retrieve one

Of four valuable pieces

Of pirate loot

Stashed somewhere

On the island.

Scott:

Pfft! As if there's anything

Valuable around here.

(Scoffs)

There's plenty,

If you know what

You're looking for!

Chris' idea of "valuable"

Is pretty skewed.

He's such an ego maniac,

His most prized possession

Is himself!

Chris:

To determine who searches

For what,

Each player will choose one

Of these four treasure chests!

Arrr! Har har!

Zoey, as the winner

Of the last challenge,

You get to go first.

Mal:

Good luck!

Yeow!

Chris:

Excellent.

Zoey, you must bring me

The yeti.

No way am I letting anyone else

Win this challenge,

Especially mal!

Gah! Pepper?!

(Sniffles and sneezes)

Chris:

Gwen, you must go

To the crumbling,

Life-threatening, dangerous

Wreck of my former cottage

And bring back

An intact portrait of moi.

(Sneezes)

Did... Did he say

"Life-threateningly"?

(Inhales and sneezes)

Scott: agh!

Chris: perrr-fect!

Chris:

You must bring me

The maclean diamond,

Which can be found on or near

The abandoned pirate ship,

Which just happens to be

Guarded by your old pal...

Fang.

Ohhh...

I have to fight a shark

And all gwen has to do

Is find some art?!

How is that fair?

Hey, there's no "fair"

In pirate!

So that leaves

The last chest for me!

What's in it?

Nice try,

But the choice isn't official

Until you see

For yourself.

(Exasperated sigh)

Fine!

(Shocked yelp

Becomes a vicious growl)

(Turtle whimpers

Like a seal)

Chris:

Okay. That's new.

Mike, you must bring me

The long lost original

Golden chris statuette.

Any clue

Where I might find it?

If I knew,

It wouldn't be "long lost,"

Now, would it?

If I'm losing zoey's trust,

I really need to win

This challenge!

If I can't win fairly,

I'll just have to win unfairly.

(Evil laughter)

Helpful hint:

Think fast

And work even faster,

Because two of you

Are going home today!

Contestants:

(Shocked gasp)

Gwen:

I thought three of us

Were going to the finale!

(Laughs)

Yeah, no.

Whoever comes back last,

Or worse,

Empty-handed,

Goes directly

To the flush of shame.

Whoever brings back

Their loot first

Wins a guaranteed spot

In the finale

And... Gets to select

Which of the remaining two

Walks the plank

Into the big john tonight!

All clear?

On your mark...

(Sighs)

Oh, just go!

(Airhorn blasts)

Scott: (hushed tone)

Here, diamond, diamond...

Chris:

And scott's first to reach

His pirate loot zone!

The heat is on!

I hope my loud voice

Isn't getting fang's attention!

(Hushed tone)

Would you keep it down?!

Chris:

They're called loudspeakers,

Bro!

Deal with it!

(Door creaks open,

Toilet flushes)

Easy does it,

Sh-sh-shark.

Just show me

Where the diamond is

And I'll be on my way.

Cool?

Huh?!

Are you kidding me?!

(Terrified scream)

Zoey:

(Gasps) yeti tracks!

Still warm.

Can't be too far.

Chris:

Zoey is zeroing in

On the yeti.

But bringing him back

Might be a bit harder,

Especially if he...

(Feed cuts out)

That'll keep him quiet

For now.

Gwen:

One intact portrait

Coming up.

How hard can it be?

(Gasps)

Why did I have to ask

How hard it could be?

Thanks again, duncan!

Chris:

And gwen reaches

My beloved cottage.

Treat her gently, gwen.

Gently... (Loud crash)

Gwen:

Yeah, yeah.

Ooh, what's that?

(Grunt of effort)

Come on!

(Shocked laugh) whoa!

Where did he come from?!

That guy is just spooky!

What is mal up to now?

Will anyone survive?

You stick around

And find out.

I'm going to the panic room,

Here on total drama all-stars!

Gwen:

(Straining grunts)

Come on, let go!

Unnggghhhh!

Gwen: (grunt of effort)

Mal: (pained grunts)

Gwen:

Agghhh! Mike!

What are you doing here?

Uh, i, uh, figured...

This... This would be

The best place

To look for the original

Chris statuette.

I thought chris said

The thing was "long lost"?

In his basement,

Maybe?

As if he'd ever really lose

A statuette modelled after him.

Mm...

You've got a point.

And now we can help

Each other

Look for the loot!

Yeah. Great.

I used to think mike

Was sweet,

But, lately,

It's like he's gone bad,

And not in a hot-slash-cool,

Leather-jacket-and-graffiti

Kinda way.

Whenever things get mean

Or painful,

He seems to enjoy it.

It's like he's turning

Into chris!

Okay, well, I'll keep an eye

Out for golden statuettes.

And if you see any chris art...

Mal:

I'm on it!

Gwen:

Oh, but be careful!

This place is on the verge

Of collapse.

Thanks for the tip.

(Wood creaks)

Gwen:

Aagghhhh!

Woopsies.

Ahem!

Gwen!

Oh my gosh,

Are you okay?!

Gwen:

(Muffled scream for help)

(Disappointed groan)

Don't worry,

I'll go get help!

(Whistles "in the hall

Of the mountain king")

Gwen:

(Muffled cries for help)

If you can't b*at 'em,

b*at 'em up.

Yeesh!

Has he always been that big?

I wish I had a plan,

But sometimes

You just gotta go for it.

Hi!

Sorry in advance.

Tag, I'm it!

Aaahhhhh!

Chris:

And zoey is first

To find her loot!

Will she be the first one

Back to the dock?

Not if I have anything

To say about it.

If I'm gonna get the diamond

From f-f-fang,

I gotta subdue him

Before he can subdue me.

Pappy taught me

How to hog-tie pigs

When I was kid.

Sharks aren't any different.

Same smooth hides,

Same beady eyes -

They're basically the pigs

Of the sea!

Scott:

Gotcha! Now gimme that diamond!

Aaggghhhh!

(Splintering crash)

Ungh! (Metallic clank)

Agh! Why?!

Sharks are nothing

Like pigs.

(Scott groans in pain)

Perfect timing.

(Clears throat)

Scott!

Oh boy,

Are you okay?

Scott:

(Moans weakly)

I can't stand that sh-sh-shark!

At least you know

Where your pirate loot is.

Scott:

Yeah, but I'll never

Get the diamond off him.

Maybe you should

Just get him -

You know, bring the whole shark

Back to chris!

By myself?

As if!

How about this:

I'll help you get fang

And win the challenge

If you swear to take me with you

To the finale.

For real?!

Brother,

You got a deal!

Let me guess.

He thinks I'm handing him

The million

On some sort of platter?

(Laughs)

Sometimes it's too easy.

(Devious chuckle)

Guy's handing me

The million dollars

On a tin platter,

He just doesn't know it yet!

(Coughing)

Thanks for all the help,

Mike!

(Gasps) no way!

Yes! No rips,

Just some dirt.

Agh! No, no,

Come on now.

Agghhh!

No! No, no!

I have to fix it!

I'll need some mud

And some berries!

That's right;

I got your dinner!

Follow me!

Chris:

Zoey is leading her loot

To the dock,

So if you haven't

Found yours yet,

You might wanna think about

Doing so right now!

Okay. I guess we should

Head back to the dock

To see who wins this.

I need a darker brown

For the hair.

Hmm...

(Bushes rustle,

Gwen yelps)

(Bear grunts)

Ew!

But the colour

Is perfect.

(Yeti growls angrily,

Zoey shrieks)

I give up.

Take the eggs.

Just take them!

Oh no.

Aaggghhhhh!

Ungh! Ew!

Egg butt!

Uh... Sorry!

(Yeti roars)

Zoey:

Whoaaaaaa!

Yoo hoo!

Come 'n' get it!

Dude, what did you do?!

That should've worked!

I have no idea

What went wrong!

Scott:

The line must be caught

Somewhere.

Aaggghhhhh!

Whoopsie.

I ain't done

With you yet!

(Hard punches,

Scott grunts in pain)

(Screaming)

Why?

(Pained groans and moans)

Time for my bath,

Gran-mawmaw?

Mal:

You could say that.

Zoey:

(Screaming)

(Thunderous crash)

Chris:

Well, I can't say I care

For how you did it,

But you did do it.

Zoey wins, again!

Phew!

And here's mal and scott -

So many empty hands!

What's a host to do?!

Sorry, pappy,

I woulda caught the shiny rock

But the sea-pig ate it!

Uh-huh.

What's your excuse?

Okay, I didn't find

The loot I was assigned,

But I did bring back

Another kind of treasure -

An injured competitor -

Your favourite!

It's true,

Injured players are

Some of my favourite things.

Well played!

Scott, you better hope

Gwen comes back empty-handed

Or you're gonzo.

Gwen:

(Panting) I'm here!

I'm here!

And gwen is last

To arrive,

But she comes

Bearing loot,

Unlike scott!

(Dazed murmur)

Funny, I don't remember

This one.

Yeah,

I had to do a...

A little restoration work.

Heh.

(Sniffs) ugh!

What's that earthy aroma?

Oh, it's avant garde!

It's stylized!

It's... It's...

(Sighs, defeated)

It's bear poop.

(Vomits and coughs)

For showing up last

And defacing my portrait,

Gwen gets the flush!

(Zoey and gwen

Gasp in shock)

Scott:

(Dazed groan)

What?! No fair!

Scott and mike

Came back empty-handed!

True, but they didn't

Make me do this.

(Vomits)

(Dejected sigh)

Fine.

Mike:

Mal is the original

Personality?!

I... I can't believe it!

Chester:

Me neither.

Why have I been listening to you

This whole time?!

Shtop!

Who cares who vas

Ze first?

Mike is ze best.

He's more patient

Zan me,

More generous zan chester,

Less egotistical

Zan manitoba,

Und he's a better dancer

Zan vito.

Oh-ay, ay-oh!

(Sighs)

It's true.

Aw, thanks,

But if I'm not the original...

Manitoba:

Ah, go on, ya silly dingo.

Think about it.

We're trapped in a world

Mal created.

So where d'you think

That license came from?

Ew!

Nice try, mal,

But you haven't won yet!

Manitoba:

Took ya long enough!

Come on, I know a shortcut

To mal's guard tower.

Guard tower?

You still haven't

Clued in?

This whole place

Is a jail.

The tower is the only way in

Or out!

Chester:

Uh, er, I don't think I can

Deal with any more walking,

Shortcut or not.

Mike:

Fine, I'll give you

A piggyback.

Chester: (grunts)

Mike: (groans)

Chester:

Giddyup, slowpoke!

Gwen:

Good luck, zoey.

I really hope you win!

Aw, thanks.

Next time I hope

We're on the same team!

Next time?!

Oh no.

No way am I ever coming back

To this dump- (beep)

Agggghhhhh!

Chris:

Who to flush next?

It all comes down to who you

Want to battle in the finale:

Scott or mike?

I wanna bring mike

To the finale, not mal!

But if I ditch mal now,

Mike could be lost forever!

Ugh! Love. Pffft!

Seriously!

I promised to have

A friendship finale,

But things have

Seriously changed since then.

(Yawns)

But I'm a girl of my word,

So...

Sorry, scott!

Scott:

(Whiny) oh!

You're making a mistake!

Mike's a total scammer!

You don't know

What you're in for!

Thanks, scott,

But I know exactly

What I'm up against...

And who.

Aggghhhh!

(Garbled cries)

Scott:

Chris:

We have our finalists!

Who will rule victorious

In the toughest,

Roughest

Million-dollar challenge ever?

Tune in to find out

Next time

On the season finale

Of total... Drama... All-stars!