05x13 - The Final Wreck-ening

[bunniefuu]

Chris:

This season

On "total drama all-stars"

Fourteen competitors returned

For another sh*t

At one million dollars.

Your favourite heroes

And villains

Battled for supremacy

In our most painful

And gruelling challenges ever.

But it was the betrayals

That cut the deepest:

Gwen dropped duncan;

Alejandro could walk

The whole time;

Courtney lied about wanting

To go to the end with gwen;

And mike repeatedly left

His best friends in the lurch!

Or was that all the work

Of mal,

Mike's evil new personality?

In the end, zoey won

The penultimate challenge

And gwen and scott took a ride

In the flush of shame.

After twelve k*ller challenges

We're down to our final

Two players!

Who will take home

The million dollar prize?

Oh, dude!

(Clears throat)

Will it be zoey

Or the evil genius

Formerly known as mike?

Find out right here,

Right now

On the season finale

Of total... Drama... All-stars!

♪♪

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

♪ I wanna be,

I wanna be

♪ I wanna be famous

(Whistling chorus)

(Camera snaps)

(Birds chirp)

(Electricity crackles,

Wood splinters)

(Air hisses)

(Evil laughter)

(Whistles "in the hall

Of the mountain king")

Mike's been mal longer

Than I thought,

But that doesn't mean

That mike's not in there.

Right?

She knows I'm not mike,

But still brought me

To the finale?

Oh, her devotion to mike

Is touching. (Snickers)

And with mike trapped

In my subconscious,

That million dollars

Is mine!

(Evil laughter)

Manitoba:

Here we are!

Welcome to the tower of mal!

Vito:

Uh, why ain't it guarded

By bouncers or dogs

Or an ugly cat

Or somethin'?

Mal just figured

We'd never get this far.

Huh...

Check it out!

This door's got five people

On it.

Five of us.

This must be the right way.

Come on, let's get-

Mike and personalities:

Aaggghhhhh! Ungh!

Chester:

Agh! I knew it was too easy.

Come on! Just a little...

There we go!

Mike and personalities:

(Impact grunts

And groans of pain)

Mike:

This can't be how it ends!

Was everyone pushing

Their hardest?

Manitoba, svetlana and vito:

Ja! Yes. Dude!

Mike:

Chester?!

Chester:

What? I got noodles for arms!

Mike:

On three!

Everyone!

One, two...

Mike and personalities:

Three! Argh!

Mike:

Yes! Nothing can stop us.

(Echoing) stop us...

Stop us... Stop us...

Mike:

(Exasperated groan)

Chris:

Good morning, finalists.

Meet me in the forest clearing

And get ready to diet.

Sorry, typo.

Ready to die!

Mal:

Thanks again for bringing me

To the finale.

I know things have been-

Zoey:

I didn't do it for you,

I did it for mike.

And you can drop the act.

Oh. What a relief!

Pretending to be that boring

Was really getting to me!

What did you see

In him?

I'll take boring mike

Over evil mal any day.

Mal:

Oh, zoey,

Don't you get it yet?

There's no longer a choice.

Mike is gone

And he's never coming back.

(Evil laughter)

Is mike really

Never coming back?

No. That's just what mal

Wants me to believe!

I hope.

Chris:

Congratulations on making it

To the finale.

It's something you'll regret

For the rest of your lives,

Which will likely be

Rather short

Since this final challenge

Is so vicious,

So brutal,

So savage...

(Zoey gasps)

That our lawyers said

We had to change it.

Zoey:

(Relieved sigh)

So you made it

Less dangerous?

No. But we told them

We did.

(Chuckles)

High-five!

People gonna die.

Chris:

Yeah, those people.

Combatants,

Choose your weapons.

So, what'll it be?

Meatball bazooka?

Bow and blunt-tipped arrows?

A leech g*n?

A sling sh*t?

Or...

Why is there

An oven mitt there?!

Er, there was an extra hook.

Chris:

Now that you've got

Your weapons,

You'll need them

To pop these balloons.

Each one contains

A previously flushed all-star!

Seriously?

Can they breathe in there?

I don't know.

Ask our classic competitor,

Owen,

He filled them.

Thanks, chris!

These double deep fried beans

Really do the trick!

(Laughs)

Watch!

(Gas hisses squeakily)

(Thunderous pop,

Bean cans clank)

Owen:

(Pained) mommy.

You have seconds.

Any all-star you sh**t down

Becomes your helper.

And... Go!

(Horn blasts)

(Bazooka blasts,

Mal growls angrily)

Cameron:

Agggghhhhh!

(Bazooka fires rapidly)

Gwen:

(Gasps and screams)

Zoey picked up cameron

And gwen.

Mike, you might

Wanna start trying.

It's mal!

Zoey, why don't you

Take a break?

Zoey:

Ow! Huh! Hey!

(Bazooka fires rapidly)

Heather and alejandro:

Aggghhhhhhhhhhh! Ungh!

(Air horn blasts)

Times up!

Oh, intern?

Go collect the helpers,

Please.

(Strong wind gusts)

(Former competitors scream)

Ooh, yeah.

Probably shoulda tied them down.

(Chris's phone rings)

Huh. It's the lawyers.

(Phone rings)

I'm gonna let it go

To voicemail.

Okay, let's go.

If this challenge

Is as dangerous as chris says,

I feel bad bringing cam

And gwen back into it.

Then again, it's better than

Letting them float into space.

And cameron might have an idea

Of how we can get mike back...

If he's still in there.

If alejandro or heather

Get in my way at all,

I'll bury them alive.

Chris:

Alejandro and heather,

You will be helping

Mal-slash-mike;

Gwen and cam,

You're on team zoey.

But you four are here

As helpers only.

Meaning you can't win.

Meaning no money.

Zero money,

Plenty o' pain.

Heather,

Can you hear me?

Yes, chris.

I hear you.

Alejandro and I are fine

With the rules.

(Gasps) oh no!

Are you two...

Dating?!

Heather:

We don't want the money!

Alejandro:

The money was getting

In the way of our happiness.

Heather:

Once we were eliminated,

We could finally be together.

Alejandro:

And together we are happy!

Heather:

That's what I was gonna say.

Alejandro:

I knew you were going

To say that.

Heather:

I knew you knew.

(Knocking at the door)

Chris: out! Get out!

That is the most

Disgusting thing

That has ever happened

In there!

Chris:

Mal. Zoey.

This season, I decided

To come up with something

Really dangerou-

I mean special.

Yeah, special,

For the both of you.

Say hello

To the final challenge

Of total drama all-stars:

The moats of doom!

(Lightning crashes,

Chris laughs)

(Competitors and helpers gasp)

Chris:

Each level has a sliver

Of safe-ish ground

Where you'll find tools

To help you survive

The insane dangers

That await you in each moat.

The first moat,

At ground level,

Is filled with toxic waste!

You might wanna avoid

Falling in

Unless you wanna go to the prom

With ezekiel.

Moat number two is...

Boiling hot lava!

(Fly shrieks)

Chris:

The third moat

Is just plain old swamp water.

(Rear-end sizzles,

Fly sighs with relief)

Chris:

But what lies beneath...

Will definitely k*ll you.

Gwen and zoey:

(Gasp)

You know floating away

In a balloon

Directly into the sun,

That's looking pretty good

Right now.

Chris:

Mal, zoey,

If you somehow survive

All three moats,

You must say goodbye

To your helpers

And go it alone

As you storm the castle!

Take your life in your hands

As you fight your way

Past the mad king!

I am the mad king.

Arr.

(Tea sloshes,

Chef slurps noisily)

Chris:

If you get past the mad king

And find the strength

To pull the sword of victory

From the stone,

You are the true

Total drama all-star

And the winner of...

One million dollars!

Subject to all applicable taxes

And other offsets

Required by law.

So... Excited?

This challenge

Is crazy!

Let's try not to hurt mal.

Mike's still in there,

Right, cameron?

(Sighs sadly)

I don't think so, zoey.

And it's possible that mal

Was always mal

And mike was just

One personality.

Either way, mike's gone.

(Sniffles) well,

If mal is really mal,

Let's go out,

Crush him,

And win this thing!

Cameron: yes!

Gwen: yeah!

Cameron: aaahhhhh!

Zoey: oops!

Mal:

Keep your garbage

On your side!

Wow. Is mal really mal

Or is mal still mike?

Maybe mike was always mal.

This is milk.

(Slurps noisily)

Will anyone survive

The final challenge?

If yes, will our winner

Be a king or queen?

Find out right

After the break,

Here on

Total... Drama... All-stars!

Mal:

Good luck, zoey!

You're gonna need it!

Ha ha ha!

Zoey:

Goodbye, mike,

Wherever you are.

On your mark,

Get set,

Go!

(Air horn blasts)

(Toxic waste bubbles sputter)

Zoey:

It's too wide

To jump across!

Gwen:

Maybe we could use

These as stilts...

(Waste sizzles)

Gwen:

Or maybe not.

Cameron:

I have an idea,

But I'm not crazy about it.

Mal:

How are you at floating?

Heather:

What?

Hello.

(Grunts of effort)

Alejandro: not bad.

Heather: heeelp!

Mal:

Just stop fighting it.

Alejandro:

Stop! I've got a way across!

We can pole vault!

Heather:

Ungh!

Gwen and zoey:

(Grunts of effort)

Cameron:

Oh, I really hope

I didn't miscalculate

The durability of my bubble

Versus toxic exposure.

Zoey:

Hang on, cam,

We're almost across!

(Waste sizzles)

Cam: oh no!

(Loud pop,

Cam screams)

Zoey: gotcha!

Cameron: (relieved sigh)

Cameron:

Thank you!

Zoey has crossed

The first moat.

Zoey is in the lead.

Zoey!

Winning!

Not for long.

Aahhhh!

Zoey:

(Gasps) mike!

Mal:

Agh!

Zoey:

(Relieved sigh)

Gwen:

Hey! He's not mike.

Remember that

Or he'll introduce you

To a pool of lava!

Zoey:

Okay. Right.

I know that.

I do.

Heather:

How do we get across?

I'm not here to help you,

You're here to help me!

Figure it out!

Alejandro:

Such big anger

For a little man.

Chris:

Welcome to level two.

All tied,

No one's d*ed.

Yawn!

Let's go, people!

Manitoba, svetlana and vito:

(Panting)

Mike:

Oh come on!

We came all the way up here

For a lousy button?!

Chester:

It's a reset button,

Ya ninny.

Mike:

Wha? What does it do?

Chester:

Resets your noggin!

Push it, then poof!

You're just you again.

Just mike.

Vito:

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.

Chester, what happens to us?!

Mike:

Yeah. What happens to you guys?

Chester:

What part of "poof"

Don't you understand?

(Chris' phone rings,

Lawyer screams wildly)

True.

I should've known better.

We just forgot

To tie the balloons down.

Lawyer:

(Muffled screaming)

Well, my optometrist

Tested that

And it turns out my hindsight

Is actually quite bad.

Lawyer:

(Wild screaming)

Oops!

(Phone sizzles in waste)

Cameron:

Aggghhhh! Whoaaaa!

Gwen: cameron!

Cameron: (grunts and moans)

(Hissing,

Flames burst)

Zoey: (gasps)

Gwen: hurry!

Gwen:

Jerk! Agh!

Mal: buh-bye.

Zoey: no!

Cameron:

Ungh! (Groans)

Mal:

I'm coming for you next.

(Zoey yelps,

Mal laughs wickedly)

A pogo stick?

Seriously?!

Keep in mind,

Not all of these items

Were tested for safety.

And by "not all"

I mean none.

Each one is a deathtrap

Just waiting to...

(Chris' cell rings,

Lawyer screams over the phone)

Should I reword that?

(Waste sizzling,

Alejandro whistles)

Chris:

Zoey makes it to level .

Zoey:

Woo!

Chris:

Mal better spring into action!

Mal:

Here...

I...

Come!

(Guttural scream)

Zoey:

(Yelps)

Heather:

What's wrong with you?

I think

I sprained my ankle.

Alejandro:

A sad tale, but we are not

On the same team,

So we must leave you.

We gotta keep moving.

Zoey will never b*at mal

On her own.

Mal:

(Grunts)

(Grunts and pants)

Huh?

Impossible!

Where's my tower?

Mike:

It's gone, mal.

It's gone for good.

Mal:

No!

How did you do this?

The five of us did something

You would never do.

Mike:

I... I just can't!

If pushing this button

Is gonna get rid of you guys,

Then I won't do it!

Vito:

Hey-yo,

Don't think of it

As gettin' rid of us for good...

Manitoba:

We'll all still be a part

Of you in a way.

Svetlana:

It's worth it to stop mal!

All right, ladies,

Enough of your blubberin'!

Let's do this already!

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

(Energy whirs,

Loud expl*si*n)

Mal:

You... You!

(Infuriated roar)

(Impact grunt)

(Gasps) no!

Ah... Don't do this!

No one will ever cross you

With me in charge! Heh.

I'm a part of you!

Yep. A part of me

That I don't need anymore.

Goodbye, mal.

Mal:

No! No!

It's my time!

Miiiiine!

Zoey:

(Screaming)

Mike?

Is it really you?

Like really, really?

From now on,

I am all mike,

All the time.

I wanna believe him,

But can i?!

Can i?!

Hey, where's the necklace

I gave you?

Yeaaaaah!

Zoey:

Mmmmmm!

Alejandro:

Love is a fine, fine thing.

Chris:

That's it!

This is the finale!

It's about pain

And betrayal...

And pain!

Not hugs and kissing!

Pain!

Alejandro and heather:

Mmm! Mmm! (Lips smacking)

Mike and zoey:

Mmmm! Muah!

Gwen:

Muah.

That's it!

New rules:

Anyone who gets the sword

Out of the stone

Wins the million dollars!

Anyone?

Heather: agh!

Alejandro: ungh!

Heather:

Oh no you don't!

Gwen: uh-oh.

Cameron: oh boy.

This is much better.

Looks like it's game on.

Mike:

(Titters) yeah.

I better go get my money.

Zoey:

Ha! You wish!

(Struggling grunts)

Alejandro: heather!

Heather:

Off of me!

(Struggling grunts)

Cameron:

Stop right there!

I won't let you guys through.

I'm still with team zoey,

Prize or not.

You really think

You can stop me, little one?

Yeah! Ha ha!

Check it out.

Mike:

I have all the skills

My personalities had,

Including svetlana.

Here, hold this.

(Leaping grunt)

See ya, cam.

(Fang snarls)

Uh-oh...

Aggghhhhh!

Ha! So long, sucker!

Ooh!

Whoops. My stick slipped,

Old heather.

Gwen:

I've been waiting to do that

For four seasons!

(Laughs)

Zoey:

(Yelps and screams)

(Meatballs splat)

Chris:

Ooh! Some impressive manoeuvres

From both mike and zoey,

And unimpressive sh**ting

From chef.

(Chef cocks bazooka

And blasts)

I'll say. You couldn't hit

The blind side of a-

Whoa!

Agghhh!

That was close!

Yah! Whoa! Agh!

(Pained cries)

Oh! Agh! Ow!

(Guttural grunt of effort)

Yes! Woo-hoo!

Chris:

Zoey wins the million dollars!

All right, zoey!

Way to- agh!

(Snickers,

Then clears throat)

I was just cleaning it

And it went off.

Gwen:

Way to go, zoey!

Cameron:

You deserved it.

Nice win.

(Chris' cell phone rings)

Ugh... It's the network.

Yes?

Network executive:

(Unintelligible screams)

Chris:

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Okay! Done!

They're so happy

That they wanna go

Straight into a new season

With an all new cast!

(Thunderous rumbling)

Um... What's going on?

Cameron:

Chef? What'd you use

To make these moats?

A fracking machine.

Gwen:

Whoa! You can't say that

On tv!

Cameron:

A fracking machine

Is a hydraulic drill.

You can't use it

On an island this small!

It's dangerous!

Why? What...

What could happen?

Cameron:

The island is sinking!

All:

(Screams of panic)

(Whistling)

(Deep, low rumble,

Dramatic music plays)

(Frightened whinny)

(Squirrel laughs madly)

(Violinist plays squeaky

Off-key tune)

(Island rumbles,

Water sloshes and splashes)

Chef:

(Slurps loudly)

(Sputters)

Cheated out of

A million bucks again!

I hate this show!

But we have the greatest

Consolation prize of all:

Each other.

Great.

Just great.

Alejandro and heather:

(Panicked screams)

Mike:

We should do this again

Sometime.

Zoey, cam and gwen:

No!

Chris:

Well, that's it for

Our very first all-star season!

But don't worry,

We're coming back

With a brand new cast...

And I guess

A brand new island too.

(Laughs)

Until next time,

I'm chris maclean

And this has been

Total... Drama... All-stars!

(Steam whistle toots)

Owen:

Look, mom,

I'm waterskiing!

Waaaah!

(Laughs)

That was awesome!