05x13 - The Final Wreck-ening
Posted: 06/10/22 08:03
Chris:
This season
On "total drama all-stars"
Fourteen competitors returned
For another shot
At one million dollars.
Your favourite heroes
And villains
Battled for supremacy
In our most painful
And gruelling challenges ever.
But it was the betrayals
That cut the deepest:
Gwen dropped duncan;
Alejandro could walk
The whole time;
Courtney lied about wanting
To go to the end with gwen;
And mike repeatedly left
His best friends in the lurch!
Or was that all the work
Of mal,
Mike's evil new personality?
In the end, zoey won
The penultimate challenge
And gwen and scott took a ride
In the flush of shame.
After twelve k*ller challenges
We're down to our final
Two players!
Who will take home
The million dollar prize?
Oh, dude!
(Clears throat)
Will it be zoey
Or the evil genius
Formerly known as mike?
Find out right here,
Right now
On the season finale
Of total... Drama... All-stars!
♪♪
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
(Whistling chorus)
(Camera snaps)
(Birds chirp)
(Electricity crackles,
Wood splinters)
(Air hisses)
(Evil laughter)
(Whistles "in the hall
Of the mountain king")
Mike's been mal longer
Than I thought,
But that doesn't mean
That mike's not in there.
Right?
She knows I'm not mike,
But still brought me
To the finale?
Oh, her devotion to mike
Is touching. (Snickers)
And with mike trapped
In my subconscious,
That million dollars
Is mine!
(Evil laughter)
Manitoba:
Here we are!
Welcome to the tower of mal!
Vito:
Uh, why ain't it guarded
By bouncers or dogs
Or an ugly cat
Or somethin'?
Mal just figured
We'd never get this far.
Huh...
Check it out!
This door's got five people
On it.
Five of us.
This must be the right way.
Come on, let's get-
Mike and personalities:
Aaggghhhhh! Ungh!
Chester:
Agh! I knew it was too easy.
Come on! Just a little...
There we go!
Mike and personalities:
(Impact grunts
And groans of pain)
Mike:
This can't be how it ends!
Was everyone pushing
Their hardest?
Manitoba, svetlana and vito:
Ja! Yes. Dude!
Mike:
Chester?!
Chester:
What? I got noodles for arms!
Mike:
On three!
Everyone!
One, two...
Mike and personalities:
Three! Argh!
Mike:
Yes! Nothing can stop us.
(Echoing) stop us...
Stop us... Stop us...
Mike:
(Exasperated groan)
Chris:
Good morning, finalists.
Meet me in the forest clearing
And get ready to diet.
Sorry, typo.
Ready to die!
Mal:
Thanks again for bringing me
To the finale.
I know things have been-
Zoey:
I didn't do it for you,
I did it for mike.
And you can drop the act.
Oh. What a relief!
Pretending to be that boring
Was really getting to me!
What did you see
In him?
I'll take boring mike
Over evil mal any day.
Mal:
Oh, zoey,
Don't you get it yet?
There's no longer a choice.
Mike is gone
And he's never coming back.
(Evil laughter)
Is mike really
Never coming back?
No. That's just what mal
Wants me to believe!
I hope.
Chris:
Congratulations on making it
To the finale.
It's something you'll regret
For the rest of your lives,
Which will likely be
Rather short
Since this final challenge
Is so vicious,
So brutal,
So savage...
(Zoey gasps)
That our lawyers said
We had to change it.
Zoey:
(Relieved sigh)
So you made it
Less dangerous?
No. But we told them
We did.
(Chuckles)
High-five!
People gonna die.
Chris:
Yeah, those people.
Combatants,
Choose your weapons.
So, what'll it be?
Meatball bazooka?
Bow and blunt-tipped arrows?
A leech g*n?
A sling shot?
Or...
Why is there
An oven mitt there?!
Er, there was an extra hook.
Chris:
Now that you've got
Your weapons,
You'll need them
To pop these balloons.
Each one contains
A previously flushed all-star!
Seriously?
Can they breathe in there?
I don't know.
Ask our classic competitor,
Owen,
He filled them.
Thanks, chris!
These double deep fried beans
Really do the trick!
(Laughs)
Watch!
(Gas hisses squeakily)
(Thunderous pop,
Bean cans clank)
Owen:
(Pained) mommy.
You have seconds.
Any all-star you sh**t down
Becomes your helper.
And... Go!
(Horn blasts)
(Bazooka blasts,
Mal growls angrily)
Cameron:
Agggghhhhh!
(Bazooka fires rapidly)
Gwen:
(Gasps and screams)
Zoey picked up cameron
And gwen.
Mike, you might
Wanna start trying.
It's mal!
Zoey, why don't you
Take a break?
Zoey:
Ow! Huh! Hey!
(Bazooka fires rapidly)
Heather and alejandro:
Aggghhhhhhhhhhh! Ungh!
(Air horn blasts)
Times up!
Oh, intern?
Go collect the helpers,
Please.
(Strong wind gusts)
(Former competitors scream)
Ooh, yeah.
Probably shoulda tied them down.
(Chris's phone rings)
Huh. It's the lawyers.
(Phone rings)
I'm gonna let it go
To voicemail.
Okay, let's go.
If this challenge
Is as dangerous as chris says,
I feel bad bringing cam
And gwen back into it.
Then again, it's better than
Letting them float into space.
And cameron might have an idea
Of how we can get mike back...
If he's still in there.
If alejandro or heather
Get in my way at all,
I'll bury them alive.
Chris:
Alejandro and heather,
You will be helping
Mal-slash-mike;
Gwen and cam,
You're on team zoey.
But you four are here
As helpers only.
Meaning you can't win.
Meaning no money.
Zero money,
Plenty o' pain.
Heather,
Can you hear me?
Yes, chris.
I hear you.
Alejandro and I are fine
With the rules.
(Gasps) oh no!
Are you two...
Dating?!
Heather:
We don't want the money!
Alejandro:
The money was getting
In the way of our happiness.
Heather:
Once we were eliminated,
We could finally be together.
Alejandro:
And together we are happy!
Heather:
That's what I was gonna say.
Alejandro:
I knew you were going
To say that.
Heather:
I knew you knew.
(Knocking at the door)
Chris: out! Get out!
That is the most
Disgusting thing
That has ever happened
In there!
Chris:
Mal. Zoey.
This season, I decided
To come up with something
Really dangerou-
I mean special.
Yeah, special,
For the both of you.
Say hello
To the final challenge
Of total drama all-stars:
The moats of doom!
(Lightning crashes,
Chris laughs)
(Competitors and helpers gasp)
Chris:
Each level has a sliver
Of safe-ish ground
Where you'll find tools
To help you survive
The insane dangers
That await you in each moat.
The first moat,
At ground level,
Is filled with toxic waste!
You might wanna avoid
Falling in
Unless you wanna go to the prom
With ezekiel.
Moat number two is...
Boiling hot lava!
(Fly shrieks)
Chris:
The third moat
Is just plain old swamp water.
(Rear-end sizzles,
Fly sighs with relief)
Chris:
But what lies beneath...
Will definitely k*ll you.
Gwen and zoey:
(Gasp)
You know floating away
In a balloon
Directly into the sun,
That's looking pretty good
Right now.
Chris:
Mal, zoey,
If you somehow survive
All three moats,
You must say goodbye
To your helpers
And go it alone
As you storm the castle!
Take your life in your hands
As you fight your way
Past the mad king!
I am the mad king.
Arr.
(Tea sloshes,
Chef slurps noisily)
Chris:
If you get past the mad king
And find the strength
To pull the sword of victory
From the stone,
You are the true
Total drama all-star
And the winner of...
One million dollars!
Subject to all applicable taxes
And other offsets
Required by law.
So... Excited?
This challenge
Is crazy!
Let's try not to hurt mal.
Mike's still in there,
Right, cameron?
(Sighs sadly)
I don't think so, zoey.
And it's possible that mal
Was always mal
And mike was just
One personality.
Either way, mike's gone.
(Sniffles) well,
If mal is really mal,
Let's go out,
Crush him,
And win this thing!
Cameron: yes!
Gwen: yeah!
Cameron: aaahhhhh!
Zoey: oops!
Mal:
Keep your garbage
On your side!
Wow. Is mal really mal
Or is mal still mike?
Maybe mike was always mal.
This is milk.
(Slurps noisily)
Will anyone survive
The final challenge?
If yes, will our winner
Be a king or queen?
Find out right
After the break,
Here on
Total... Drama... All-stars!
Mal:
Good luck, zoey!
You're gonna need it!
Ha ha ha!
Zoey:
Goodbye, mike,
Wherever you are.
On your mark,
Get set,
Go!
(Air horn blasts)
(Toxic waste bubbles sputter)
Zoey:
It's too wide
To jump across!
Gwen:
Maybe we could use
These as stilts...
(Waste sizzles)
Gwen:
Or maybe not.
Cameron:
I have an idea,
But I'm not crazy about it.
Mal:
How are you at floating?
Heather:
What?
Hello.
(Grunts of effort)
Alejandro: not bad.
Heather: heeelp!
Mal:
Just stop fighting it.
Alejandro:
Stop! I've got a way across!
We can pole vault!
Heather:
Ungh!
Gwen and zoey:
(Grunts of effort)
Cameron:
Oh, I really hope
I didn't miscalculate
The durability of my bubble
Versus toxic exposure.
Zoey:
Hang on, cam,
We're almost across!
(Waste sizzles)
Cam: oh no!
(Loud pop,
Cam screams)
Zoey: gotcha!
Cameron: (relieved sigh)
Cameron:
Thank you!
Zoey has crossed
The first moat.
Zoey is in the lead.
Zoey!
Winning!
Not for long.
Aahhhh!
Zoey:
(Gasps) mike!
Mal:
Agh!
Zoey:
(Relieved sigh)
Gwen:
Hey! He's not mike.
Remember that
Or he'll introduce you
To a pool of lava!
Zoey:
Okay. Right.
I know that.
I do.
Heather:
How do we get across?
I'm not here to help you,
You're here to help me!
Figure it out!
Alejandro:
Such big anger
For a little man.
Chris:
Welcome to level two.
All tied,
No one's died.
Yawn!
Let's go, people!
Manitoba, svetlana and vito:
(Panting)
Mike:
Oh come on!
We came all the way up here
For a lousy button?!
Chester:
It's a reset button,
Ya ninny.
Mike:
Wha? What does it do?
Chester:
Resets your noggin!
Push it, then poof!
You're just you again.
Just mike.
Vito:
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
Chester, what happens to us?!
Mike:
Yeah. What happens to you guys?
Chester:
What part of "poof"
Don't you understand?
(Chris' phone rings,
Lawyer screams wildly)
True.
I should've known better.
We just forgot
To tie the balloons down.
Lawyer:
(Muffled screaming)
Well, my optometrist
Tested that
And it turns out my hindsight
Is actually quite bad.
Lawyer:
(Wild screaming)
Oops!
(Phone sizzles in waste)
Cameron:
Aggghhhh! Whoaaaa!
Gwen: cameron!
Cameron: (grunts and moans)
(Hissing,
Flames burst)
Zoey: (gasps)
Gwen: hurry!
Gwen:
Jerk! Agh!
Mal: buh-bye.
Zoey: no!
Cameron:
Ungh! (Groans)
Mal:
I'm coming for you next.
(Zoey yelps,
Mal laughs wickedly)
A pogo stick?
Seriously?!
Keep in mind,
Not all of these items
Were tested for safety.
And by "not all"
I mean none.
Each one is a deathtrap
Just waiting to...
(Chris' cell rings,
Lawyer screams over the phone)
Should I reword that?
(Waste sizzling,
Alejandro whistles)
Chris:
Zoey makes it to level .
Zoey:
Woo!
Chris:
Mal better spring into action!
Mal:
Here...
I...
Come!
(Guttural scream)
Zoey:
(Yelps)
Heather:
What's wrong with you?
I think
I sprained my ankle.
Alejandro:
A sad tale, but we are not
On the same team,
So we must leave you.
We gotta keep moving.
Zoey will never beat mal
On her own.
Mal:
(Grunts)
(Grunts and pants)
Huh?
Impossible!
Where's my tower?
Mike:
It's gone, mal.
It's gone for good.
Mal:
No!
How did you do this?
The five of us did something
You would never do.
Mike:
I... I just can't!
If pushing this button
Is gonna get rid of you guys,
Then I won't do it!
Vito:
Hey-yo,
Don't think of it
As gettin' rid of us for good...
Manitoba:
We'll all still be a part
Of you in a way.
Svetlana:
It's worth it to stop mal!
All right, ladies,
Enough of your blubberin'!
Let's do this already!
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
(Energy whirs,
Loud expl*si*n)
Mal:
You... You!
(Infuriated roar)
(Impact grunt)
(Gasps) no!
Ah... Don't do this!
No one will ever cross you
With me in charge! Heh.
I'm a part of you!
Yep. A part of me
That I don't need anymore.
Goodbye, mal.
Mal:
No! No!
It's my time!
Miiiiine!
Zoey:
(Screaming)
Mike?
Is it really you?
Like really, really?
From now on,
I am all mike,
All the time.
I wanna believe him,
But can i?!
Can i?!
Hey, where's the necklace
I gave you?
Yeaaaaah!
Zoey:
Mmmmmm!
Alejandro:
Love is a fine, fine thing.
Chris:
That's it!
This is the finale!
It's about pain
And betrayal...
And pain!
Not hugs and kissing!
Pain!
Alejandro and heather:
Mmm! Mmm! (Lips smacking)
Mike and zoey:
Mmmm! Muah!
Gwen:
Muah.
That's it!
New rules:
Anyone who gets the sword
Out of the stone
Wins the million dollars!
Anyone?
Heather: agh!
Alejandro: ungh!
Heather:
Oh no you don't!
Gwen: uh-oh.
Cameron: oh boy.
This is much better.
Looks like it's game on.
Mike:
(Titters) yeah.
I better go get my money.
Zoey:
Ha! You wish!
(Struggling grunts)
Alejandro: heather!
Heather:
Off of me!
(Struggling grunts)
Cameron:
Stop right there!
I won't let you guys through.
I'm still with team zoey,
Prize or not.
You really think
You can stop me, little one?
Yeah! Ha ha!
Check it out.
Mike:
I have all the skills
My personalities had,
Including svetlana.
Here, hold this.
(Leaping grunt)
See ya, cam.
(Fang snarls)
Uh-oh...
Aggghhhhh!
Ha! So long, sucker!
Ooh!
Whoops. My stick slipped,
Old heather.
Gwen:
I've been waiting to do that
For four seasons!
(Laughs)
Zoey:
(Yelps and screams)
(Meatballs splat)
Chris:
Ooh! Some impressive manoeuvres
From both mike and zoey,
And unimpressive sh**ting
From chef.
(Chef cocks bazooka
And blasts)
I'll say. You couldn't hit
The blind side of a-
Whoa!
Agghhh!
That was close!
Yah! Whoa! Agh!
(Pained cries)
Oh! Agh! Ow!
(Guttural grunt of effort)
Yes! Woo-hoo!
Chris:
Zoey wins the million dollars!
All right, zoey!
Way to- agh!
(Snickers,
Then clears throat)
I was just cleaning it
And it went off.
Gwen:
Way to go, zoey!
Cameron:
You deserved it.
Nice win.
(Chris' cell phone rings)
Ugh... It's the network.
Yes?
Network executive:
(Unintelligible screams)
Chris:
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Okay! Done!
They're so happy
That they wanna go
Straight into a new season
With an all new cast!
(Thunderous rumbling)
Um... What's going on?
Cameron:
Chef? What'd you use
To make these moats?
A fracking machine.
Gwen:
Whoa! You can't say that
On tv!
Cameron:
A fracking machine
Is a hydraulic drill.
You can't use it
On an island this small!
It's dangerous!
Why? What...
What could happen?
Cameron:
The island is sinking!
All:
(Screams of panic)
(Whistling)
(Deep, low rumble,
Dramatic music plays)
(Frightened whinny)
(Squirrel laughs madly)
(Violinist plays squeaky
Off-key tune)
(Island rumbles,
Water sloshes and splashes)
Chef:
(Slurps loudly)
(Sputters)
Cheated out of
A million bucks again!
I hate this show!
But we have the greatest
Consolation prize of all:
Each other.
Great.
Just great.
Alejandro and heather:
(Panicked screams)
Mike:
We should do this again
Sometime.
Zoey, cam and gwen:
No!
Chris:
Well, that's it for
Our very first all-star season!
But don't worry,
We're coming back
With a brand new cast...
And I guess
A brand new island too.
(Laughs)
Until next time,
I'm chris maclean
And this has been
Total... Drama... All-stars!
(Steam whistle toots)
Owen:
Look, mom,
I'm waterskiing!
Waaaah!
(Laughs)
That was awesome!
This season
On "total drama all-stars"
Fourteen competitors returned
For another shot
At one million dollars.
Your favourite heroes
And villains
Battled for supremacy
In our most painful
And gruelling challenges ever.
But it was the betrayals
That cut the deepest:
Gwen dropped duncan;
Alejandro could walk
The whole time;
Courtney lied about wanting
To go to the end with gwen;
And mike repeatedly left
His best friends in the lurch!
Or was that all the work
Of mal,
Mike's evil new personality?
In the end, zoey won
The penultimate challenge
And gwen and scott took a ride
In the flush of shame.
After twelve k*ller challenges
We're down to our final
Two players!
Who will take home
The million dollar prize?
Oh, dude!
(Clears throat)
Will it be zoey
Or the evil genius
Formerly known as mike?
Find out right here,
Right now
On the season finale
Of total... Drama... All-stars!
♪♪
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
(Whistling chorus)
(Camera snaps)
(Birds chirp)
(Electricity crackles,
Wood splinters)
(Air hisses)
(Evil laughter)
(Whistles "in the hall
Of the mountain king")
Mike's been mal longer
Than I thought,
But that doesn't mean
That mike's not in there.
Right?
She knows I'm not mike,
But still brought me
To the finale?
Oh, her devotion to mike
Is touching. (Snickers)
And with mike trapped
In my subconscious,
That million dollars
Is mine!
(Evil laughter)
Manitoba:
Here we are!
Welcome to the tower of mal!
Vito:
Uh, why ain't it guarded
By bouncers or dogs
Or an ugly cat
Or somethin'?
Mal just figured
We'd never get this far.
Huh...
Check it out!
This door's got five people
On it.
Five of us.
This must be the right way.
Come on, let's get-
Mike and personalities:
Aaggghhhhh! Ungh!
Chester:
Agh! I knew it was too easy.
Come on! Just a little...
There we go!
Mike and personalities:
(Impact grunts
And groans of pain)
Mike:
This can't be how it ends!
Was everyone pushing
Their hardest?
Manitoba, svetlana and vito:
Ja! Yes. Dude!
Mike:
Chester?!
Chester:
What? I got noodles for arms!
Mike:
On three!
Everyone!
One, two...
Mike and personalities:
Three! Argh!
Mike:
Yes! Nothing can stop us.
(Echoing) stop us...
Stop us... Stop us...
Mike:
(Exasperated groan)
Chris:
Good morning, finalists.
Meet me in the forest clearing
And get ready to diet.
Sorry, typo.
Ready to die!
Mal:
Thanks again for bringing me
To the finale.
I know things have been-
Zoey:
I didn't do it for you,
I did it for mike.
And you can drop the act.
Oh. What a relief!
Pretending to be that boring
Was really getting to me!
What did you see
In him?
I'll take boring mike
Over evil mal any day.
Mal:
Oh, zoey,
Don't you get it yet?
There's no longer a choice.
Mike is gone
And he's never coming back.
(Evil laughter)
Is mike really
Never coming back?
No. That's just what mal
Wants me to believe!
I hope.
Chris:
Congratulations on making it
To the finale.
It's something you'll regret
For the rest of your lives,
Which will likely be
Rather short
Since this final challenge
Is so vicious,
So brutal,
So savage...
(Zoey gasps)
That our lawyers said
We had to change it.
Zoey:
(Relieved sigh)
So you made it
Less dangerous?
No. But we told them
We did.
(Chuckles)
High-five!
People gonna die.
Chris:
Yeah, those people.
Combatants,
Choose your weapons.
So, what'll it be?
Meatball bazooka?
Bow and blunt-tipped arrows?
A leech g*n?
A sling shot?
Or...
Why is there
An oven mitt there?!
Er, there was an extra hook.
Chris:
Now that you've got
Your weapons,
You'll need them
To pop these balloons.
Each one contains
A previously flushed all-star!
Seriously?
Can they breathe in there?
I don't know.
Ask our classic competitor,
Owen,
He filled them.
Thanks, chris!
These double deep fried beans
Really do the trick!
(Laughs)
Watch!
(Gas hisses squeakily)
(Thunderous pop,
Bean cans clank)
Owen:
(Pained) mommy.
You have seconds.
Any all-star you sh**t down
Becomes your helper.
And... Go!
(Horn blasts)
(Bazooka blasts,
Mal growls angrily)
Cameron:
Agggghhhhh!
(Bazooka fires rapidly)
Gwen:
(Gasps and screams)
Zoey picked up cameron
And gwen.
Mike, you might
Wanna start trying.
It's mal!
Zoey, why don't you
Take a break?
Zoey:
Ow! Huh! Hey!
(Bazooka fires rapidly)
Heather and alejandro:
Aggghhhhhhhhhhh! Ungh!
(Air horn blasts)
Times up!
Oh, intern?
Go collect the helpers,
Please.
(Strong wind gusts)
(Former competitors scream)
Ooh, yeah.
Probably shoulda tied them down.
(Chris's phone rings)
Huh. It's the lawyers.
(Phone rings)
I'm gonna let it go
To voicemail.
Okay, let's go.
If this challenge
Is as dangerous as chris says,
I feel bad bringing cam
And gwen back into it.
Then again, it's better than
Letting them float into space.
And cameron might have an idea
Of how we can get mike back...
If he's still in there.
If alejandro or heather
Get in my way at all,
I'll bury them alive.
Chris:
Alejandro and heather,
You will be helping
Mal-slash-mike;
Gwen and cam,
You're on team zoey.
But you four are here
As helpers only.
Meaning you can't win.
Meaning no money.
Zero money,
Plenty o' pain.
Heather,
Can you hear me?
Yes, chris.
I hear you.
Alejandro and I are fine
With the rules.
(Gasps) oh no!
Are you two...
Dating?!
Heather:
We don't want the money!
Alejandro:
The money was getting
In the way of our happiness.
Heather:
Once we were eliminated,
We could finally be together.
Alejandro:
And together we are happy!
Heather:
That's what I was gonna say.
Alejandro:
I knew you were going
To say that.
Heather:
I knew you knew.
(Knocking at the door)
Chris: out! Get out!
That is the most
Disgusting thing
That has ever happened
In there!
Chris:
Mal. Zoey.
This season, I decided
To come up with something
Really dangerou-
I mean special.
Yeah, special,
For the both of you.
Say hello
To the final challenge
Of total drama all-stars:
The moats of doom!
(Lightning crashes,
Chris laughs)
(Competitors and helpers gasp)
Chris:
Each level has a sliver
Of safe-ish ground
Where you'll find tools
To help you survive
The insane dangers
That await you in each moat.
The first moat,
At ground level,
Is filled with toxic waste!
You might wanna avoid
Falling in
Unless you wanna go to the prom
With ezekiel.
Moat number two is...
Boiling hot lava!
(Fly shrieks)
Chris:
The third moat
Is just plain old swamp water.
(Rear-end sizzles,
Fly sighs with relief)
Chris:
But what lies beneath...
Will definitely k*ll you.
Gwen and zoey:
(Gasp)
You know floating away
In a balloon
Directly into the sun,
That's looking pretty good
Right now.
Chris:
Mal, zoey,
If you somehow survive
All three moats,
You must say goodbye
To your helpers
And go it alone
As you storm the castle!
Take your life in your hands
As you fight your way
Past the mad king!
I am the mad king.
Arr.
(Tea sloshes,
Chef slurps noisily)
Chris:
If you get past the mad king
And find the strength
To pull the sword of victory
From the stone,
You are the true
Total drama all-star
And the winner of...
One million dollars!
Subject to all applicable taxes
And other offsets
Required by law.
So... Excited?
This challenge
Is crazy!
Let's try not to hurt mal.
Mike's still in there,
Right, cameron?
(Sighs sadly)
I don't think so, zoey.
And it's possible that mal
Was always mal
And mike was just
One personality.
Either way, mike's gone.
(Sniffles) well,
If mal is really mal,
Let's go out,
Crush him,
And win this thing!
Cameron: yes!
Gwen: yeah!
Cameron: aaahhhhh!
Zoey: oops!
Mal:
Keep your garbage
On your side!
Wow. Is mal really mal
Or is mal still mike?
Maybe mike was always mal.
This is milk.
(Slurps noisily)
Will anyone survive
The final challenge?
If yes, will our winner
Be a king or queen?
Find out right
After the break,
Here on
Total... Drama... All-stars!
Mal:
Good luck, zoey!
You're gonna need it!
Ha ha ha!
Zoey:
Goodbye, mike,
Wherever you are.
On your mark,
Get set,
Go!
(Air horn blasts)
(Toxic waste bubbles sputter)
Zoey:
It's too wide
To jump across!
Gwen:
Maybe we could use
These as stilts...
(Waste sizzles)
Gwen:
Or maybe not.
Cameron:
I have an idea,
But I'm not crazy about it.
Mal:
How are you at floating?
Heather:
What?
Hello.
(Grunts of effort)
Alejandro: not bad.
Heather: heeelp!
Mal:
Just stop fighting it.
Alejandro:
Stop! I've got a way across!
We can pole vault!
Heather:
Ungh!
Gwen and zoey:
(Grunts of effort)
Cameron:
Oh, I really hope
I didn't miscalculate
The durability of my bubble
Versus toxic exposure.
Zoey:
Hang on, cam,
We're almost across!
(Waste sizzles)
Cam: oh no!
(Loud pop,
Cam screams)
Zoey: gotcha!
Cameron: (relieved sigh)
Cameron:
Thank you!
Zoey has crossed
The first moat.
Zoey is in the lead.
Zoey!
Winning!
Not for long.
Aahhhh!
Zoey:
(Gasps) mike!
Mal:
Agh!
Zoey:
(Relieved sigh)
Gwen:
Hey! He's not mike.
Remember that
Or he'll introduce you
To a pool of lava!
Zoey:
Okay. Right.
I know that.
I do.
Heather:
How do we get across?
I'm not here to help you,
You're here to help me!
Figure it out!
Alejandro:
Such big anger
For a little man.
Chris:
Welcome to level two.
All tied,
No one's died.
Yawn!
Let's go, people!
Manitoba, svetlana and vito:
(Panting)
Mike:
Oh come on!
We came all the way up here
For a lousy button?!
Chester:
It's a reset button,
Ya ninny.
Mike:
Wha? What does it do?
Chester:
Resets your noggin!
Push it, then poof!
You're just you again.
Just mike.
Vito:
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
Chester, what happens to us?!
Mike:
Yeah. What happens to you guys?
Chester:
What part of "poof"
Don't you understand?
(Chris' phone rings,
Lawyer screams wildly)
True.
I should've known better.
We just forgot
To tie the balloons down.
Lawyer:
(Muffled screaming)
Well, my optometrist
Tested that
And it turns out my hindsight
Is actually quite bad.
Lawyer:
(Wild screaming)
Oops!
(Phone sizzles in waste)
Cameron:
Aggghhhh! Whoaaaa!
Gwen: cameron!
Cameron: (grunts and moans)
(Hissing,
Flames burst)
Zoey: (gasps)
Gwen: hurry!
Gwen:
Jerk! Agh!
Mal: buh-bye.
Zoey: no!
Cameron:
Ungh! (Groans)
Mal:
I'm coming for you next.
(Zoey yelps,
Mal laughs wickedly)
A pogo stick?
Seriously?!
Keep in mind,
Not all of these items
Were tested for safety.
And by "not all"
I mean none.
Each one is a deathtrap
Just waiting to...
(Chris' cell rings,
Lawyer screams over the phone)
Should I reword that?
(Waste sizzling,
Alejandro whistles)
Chris:
Zoey makes it to level .
Zoey:
Woo!
Chris:
Mal better spring into action!
Mal:
Here...
I...
Come!
(Guttural scream)
Zoey:
(Yelps)
Heather:
What's wrong with you?
I think
I sprained my ankle.
Alejandro:
A sad tale, but we are not
On the same team,
So we must leave you.
We gotta keep moving.
Zoey will never beat mal
On her own.
Mal:
(Grunts)
(Grunts and pants)
Huh?
Impossible!
Where's my tower?
Mike:
It's gone, mal.
It's gone for good.
Mal:
No!
How did you do this?
The five of us did something
You would never do.
Mike:
I... I just can't!
If pushing this button
Is gonna get rid of you guys,
Then I won't do it!
Vito:
Hey-yo,
Don't think of it
As gettin' rid of us for good...
Manitoba:
We'll all still be a part
Of you in a way.
Svetlana:
It's worth it to stop mal!
All right, ladies,
Enough of your blubberin'!
Let's do this already!
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
(Energy whirs,
Loud expl*si*n)
Mal:
You... You!
(Infuriated roar)
(Impact grunt)
(Gasps) no!
Ah... Don't do this!
No one will ever cross you
With me in charge! Heh.
I'm a part of you!
Yep. A part of me
That I don't need anymore.
Goodbye, mal.
Mal:
No! No!
It's my time!
Miiiiine!
Zoey:
(Screaming)
Mike?
Is it really you?
Like really, really?
From now on,
I am all mike,
All the time.
I wanna believe him,
But can i?!
Can i?!
Hey, where's the necklace
I gave you?
Yeaaaaah!
Zoey:
Mmmmmm!
Alejandro:
Love is a fine, fine thing.
Chris:
That's it!
This is the finale!
It's about pain
And betrayal...
And pain!
Not hugs and kissing!
Pain!
Alejandro and heather:
Mmm! Mmm! (Lips smacking)
Mike and zoey:
Mmmm! Muah!
Gwen:
Muah.
That's it!
New rules:
Anyone who gets the sword
Out of the stone
Wins the million dollars!
Anyone?
Heather: agh!
Alejandro: ungh!
Heather:
Oh no you don't!
Gwen: uh-oh.
Cameron: oh boy.
This is much better.
Looks like it's game on.
Mike:
(Titters) yeah.
I better go get my money.
Zoey:
Ha! You wish!
(Struggling grunts)
Alejandro: heather!
Heather:
Off of me!
(Struggling grunts)
Cameron:
Stop right there!
I won't let you guys through.
I'm still with team zoey,
Prize or not.
You really think
You can stop me, little one?
Yeah! Ha ha!
Check it out.
Mike:
I have all the skills
My personalities had,
Including svetlana.
Here, hold this.
(Leaping grunt)
See ya, cam.
(Fang snarls)
Uh-oh...
Aggghhhhh!
Ha! So long, sucker!
Ooh!
Whoops. My stick slipped,
Old heather.
Gwen:
I've been waiting to do that
For four seasons!
(Laughs)
Zoey:
(Yelps and screams)
(Meatballs splat)
Chris:
Ooh! Some impressive manoeuvres
From both mike and zoey,
And unimpressive sh**ting
From chef.
(Chef cocks bazooka
And blasts)
I'll say. You couldn't hit
The blind side of a-
Whoa!
Agghhh!
That was close!
Yah! Whoa! Agh!
(Pained cries)
Oh! Agh! Ow!
(Guttural grunt of effort)
Yes! Woo-hoo!
Chris:
Zoey wins the million dollars!
All right, zoey!
Way to- agh!
(Snickers,
Then clears throat)
I was just cleaning it
And it went off.
Gwen:
Way to go, zoey!
Cameron:
You deserved it.
Nice win.
(Chris' cell phone rings)
Ugh... It's the network.
Yes?
Network executive:
(Unintelligible screams)
Chris:
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Okay! Done!
They're so happy
That they wanna go
Straight into a new season
With an all new cast!
(Thunderous rumbling)
Um... What's going on?
Cameron:
Chef? What'd you use
To make these moats?
A fracking machine.
Gwen:
Whoa! You can't say that
On tv!
Cameron:
A fracking machine
Is a hydraulic drill.
You can't use it
On an island this small!
It's dangerous!
Why? What...
What could happen?
Cameron:
The island is sinking!
All:
(Screams of panic)
(Whistling)
(Deep, low rumble,
Dramatic music plays)
(Frightened whinny)
(Squirrel laughs madly)
(Violinist plays squeaky
Off-key tune)
(Island rumbles,
Water sloshes and splashes)
Chef:
(Slurps loudly)
(Sputters)
Cheated out of
A million bucks again!
I hate this show!
But we have the greatest
Consolation prize of all:
Each other.
Great.
Just great.
Alejandro and heather:
(Panicked screams)
Mike:
We should do this again
Sometime.
Zoey, cam and gwen:
No!
Chris:
Well, that's it for
Our very first all-star season!
But don't worry,
We're coming back
With a brand new cast...
And I guess
A brand new island too.
(Laughs)
Until next time,
I'm chris maclean
And this has been
Total... Drama... All-stars!
(Steam whistle toots)
Owen:
Look, mom,
I'm waterskiing!
Waaaah!
(Laughs)
That was awesome!