01x04 - Witch Day

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Raaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

[cheerful music]

♪

[cat meows]

♪

The carnies have arrived!

Lock up your pretty much
everything!

Carnies have the life.

- Travel, neck tats, no showering.
- Dream job.

Wolf, that guy
looks exactly like you.

Could that be your dad?

No, my mom said
he had no ambition

and never wanted to do
anything with his life.

That guy's a carnie.
Dots don't connect.

There she is.

Devil's Wheel.
My beautiful nemesis.

I've thrown up on every ride
at this fair but that one.

- This is my year.
- You'll do it, Bex.

Remember, if you don't barf
all over the place,

the witches will
have been k*lled in vain.

♪

That's how I wanna go.

Oopsie.

I just love the pageantry
of Witch Day.

100% historically accurate.

When I grow up, can I be
a witch like Kimberly?

I'm not a witch.
I'm a bitch.

Ugh, Kimberly!

Just another Witch Day secret
I have to write down.

Oh, you can't be a witch, Jing.

- Then we'd have to k*ll you.
- [giggles]

Witch Day is about
fanatically rooting out evil

inside ourselves and k*lling it.

That's why every year
we write down

our deepest, darkest secret.

Then we take the secret,
we put it in an envelope,

and we stuff it
into the witch's heart

at the festival...

where the town virgin
will burn them all,

purging us of evil
until next year.

And there's a carnival where
you can win a back scratcher!

Mmm, almost feels good.

My Witch Day secret is complete.

It's the deepest
and darkest yet.

Is it that you once used PVC
instead of copper piping?

I told you that in confidence.

- I'm so ashamed.
- I'm done.

- You flunked what?
- English.

Ugh, can't you read?

Mom, you promised
when I turned 12,

I could do two things...

shave my legs and go
to Witch Day alone.

- Remember?
- Did I say that?

- Hmm, I don't remember...
- I already shaved my legs!

[gasps]
Dunkie, get me the iodine!

If you don't let me go to
Witch Day alone

and treat me like a grown-up,
I swear I'll run away!

I'll help you pack!

What's so important that you
need to go

- to the festival alone?
- Nothing special.

[hums]

[gasps]

Hey.

- [gasps]
- Kimberly!

Come on, let's go bob for
apples in the children's tent.

Good thing you still
look like a little kid.

A little kid, a little kid,
a little kid...

I don't want to grow up
afraid of the world.

I wanna be a strong, fearless,

independent woman like you, Mom.

Really?
Oh!

If you only knew how much I
love to hear things like that.

- If only.
- All right, you can go by yourself.

- Both: Mmm!
- Thanks, Mom!

Just when you think
you're not making

an impression on your kids,
you find out you're their hero.

- That's not exactly...
- Hero.

[phone rings]
Jack's Plumbing.

Ask about our Witch Day
Septic t*nk Cleanout.

What?
Oh dear.

Are you absolutely sure?

- Thanks for letting us know.
- Letting us know what?

- Mrs. Martin d*ed.
- Oh, that's so sad.

Now we have a sh*t at winning
the Witch Day Chili Cook-off!

- [scats]
- Whoo-hoo!

She won the last ten years!

Oh, this is the best day
of my life!

Ooh, I need a new secret.

Last year I wished that
Mrs. Martin would die,

and then she did!

- [scats]
- [cheers, laughs]

Okay, here's the plan.

We go in,
we do a little mourning,

we lament how short life is,

we grab Mrs. Martin's
chili recipe

so we can win the cook-off,
and we're out.

No small talk.
Got it?

Yes, but it is unseasonably
warm today, isn't it?

Hello.
Welcome to Mother's mourning.

I'm Hans. Come in.

Hello, I'm Greta.
Are those cookies?

Yes, I'll put them
in the kitchen.

No, we eat our grief,
also our happiness.

Yeah, all our feelings.
[munching]

We've got about three minutes
to find that recipe.

Gold-plated goodness, those
chili trophies are beautiful!

- Why don't we just take one?
- No, Jack.

We have to earn it
by stealing her recipe.

[grunts]

God, you're so sexy
when you're ransacking.

Ugh!
Quick, lift me up!

Cupboards left to right!

Faberge egg, Babe Ruth's glove,

the rest of the Zapruder film?

All worthless!
[gasps]

Her recipe box!
[gasps]

This is it.
The chili recipe!

"Lure two healthy children
with candy and cake."

Wait, this is a recipe
for cooking children.

Should we alert the authorities?

Eh, she's dead.
What's done is done.

[gasps]
The recipe is not here, Jack.

I know we agreed
to no small talk, Annie,

but it bears repeating, it is
unseasonably warm in here.

Maybe she's got a popsicle.

Darn it, only lime, orange,
lemon, grape, strawberry,

cherry, and passion fruit.

- No guava!
- [gasps]

Is that what I think it is?

It is. It's the chili!

I'll have to wait
till it defrosts.

All right, now we just have
to exit coolly.

[grunts]

- [shivering] Sorry for your loss.
- So sad.

- I told you Mother was going to eat us.
- [gasps] We were right to k*ll her.

Oh, yeah.
You bet your sweet bippy.

[school bell rings]

"The logs and the kindling
were laid on the pyre

to set witches ablaze
on a righteous fire."

There's the witch,
there's the angry mob.

Oh, and there's the moon!

Take that, witches.

I know I moved here
364 days ago

and this is my first Witch Day,

but you guys know there
were no witches, right?

Yeah, because we got
rid of 'em all.

This holiday actually
celebrates a dark chapter

in the town's history where,
when anything bad happened,

like crops failing or disease,

it was just easier to pin it
on a witch

because it gave them
someone to blame

for things
they didn't understand.

I don't understand.
Witch!

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

"Witch" was a label for anyone
who was different.

Labels are dangerous
because they stick with you

even if they're not true.

What do you know
about labels, Nose Ring?

And last week the principal
accused Wolf

of stealing all the fish sticks
from the cafeteria,

then everyone called him
Cod Goblin.

- That hurt.
- My bad.

I came up with Cod Goblin.

What if we had b*rned Wolf
at the stake,

only to find out
he was wrongfully accused?

Stuff like this is gonna change

when Kim Kardashian
becomes an attorney.

Mr. Mitch,
you believe in witches, right?

I believe in paid holidays
and three day weekends,

and this one delivers on both,

so yeah, I'm a believer.

[school bell rings]
Happy Witch Day!

[all cheer]
[sighs]

[both slurp]

[gargle]

I'm getting notes of beef.

Maybe a rooted vegetable.
Carrot? Turnip?

No, rutabaga!

There's just one more
ingredient I can't place.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

Mommy, can I have some chili?

Sorry, honey,
this chili is not for dinner.

We're just trying
to figure out what's in it.

Smells like...
[sniffs]

- truffles.
- Both: Truffles!

Annie, where do we get truffles?

- I smelled them in the woods.
- Why were you in the woods?

Mrs. Martin lured me there
with candy.

But then two adult-sized babies

put a sack over her head
and clubbed her, so I ran away.

Honey, shouldn't
we alert the authorities?

She's dead.
What's done is done.

Everybody give it up
for Mayor Jen!

[all cheer]

What's up, witches?
[all cheer]

All right, people.

Now for the one who lights
everyone's fire,

our longest serving town virgin.

Give it up,
because she never has, Alice!

- Hi.
- [all gasp]

What the hell's wrong
with her stomach?

She has a baby in there.

Immaculate deception!
She's pregnant!

- No, I'm not!
- Oh, please.

Come on, that sash
isn't kicking itself.

You, my dear, are with child.

[all boo]

Okay, fine!
I met someone!

I'm the happiest I've ever been!

[all boo]

This will not define
my term, people!

- Ugh.
- All right, don't worry.

We've prepared for this.

All of the eligible virgins
in town

have submitted their names.

We're okay.

[laughter]

Who would be stupid enough
to put their name in that?

Duncan Harris
is the new town virgin!

What happened?

Oh, you just got screwed,
but not the good kind.

All: Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

My son, the town virgin.

What an honor.
Every mother's dream.

Ugh, why was my name
even in there?

I submit it every year.

I want the whole town
to know that I raised

a confident young man
who still has his flower.

How do you even know that
I still have... my flower?

[laughter]

This is gonna make you
so popular, Dunkie.

Take it from me,
girls love virgin guys.

They know they're safe with you.

- This is humiliating.
- What are you talking about?

You're a celebrity.

You're gonna light that witch
on fire

and everyone's gonna
be shouting your name,

- "Virgin! Virgin!"
- [groans]

- That's not my name!
- It is now.

I just changed your
birth certificate online.

[groans loudly]

- Are you sure, Jing?
- Positive.

I smelled the truffles
right around here.

You gotta be sure.

[sniffs] Oh yeah.

[gibberish, grunting]

Oh, she's on to something, Jack!

- Unleash her!
- Yeah! [pants]

Couldn't we have just gone
to Whole Foods?

Yeah, but look at how
much fun she's having.

[sniffs]

[pig grunts]

[yells]

[pig squeals]

[sniffs] Got it!

That'll do, Jing.
That'll do.

Well, guess who we're
having for dinner?

[pig squeals]

[indistinct chatter]

[hip-hop music playing]

Cumin?
Really?

- No, well, those are decoy ingredients.
- Hmm.

Okay, Jack, put in
two heaping scoops of cumin.

Put that down!
I'm acting!

You're so talented!
I believed it.

It's gonna be a little while
until these dogs are barking.

- The secret is, I let 'em thaw out.
- I can wait.

You haven't put the mustard out?

Did you bring mustard this year?

You have to have mustard!

Oh, thank God.
He loves mustard.

You were right, Mia.
Labels are wrong.

I don't want to be Duncan
the Virgin for 20 years,

and then wind up living in
a shack in the woods,

with kids daring each other to
run up and touch my front door.

I think there's a way
I can fix your problem.

Really?
We could, uh, do it

and then tell the whole town
how amazing it was?

- What? No.
- All right, fine.

I'll tell the whole town
how amazing it was.

Just stop.

If we steal the witch,

they can't have
their horrible festival,

and then they won't
need a virgin.

But if they cancel the festival,

I can't have funnel cake!

Do you wanna have funnel cake

or be the laughingstock
of the town?

Oh, you know
I want funnel cake!

Fine, you can have
some funnel cake

- and then we steal the witch.
- Yay!

I think this is gonna work.

[grunts]

This is brilliant.

Now if the town finds another
virgin

to set the witch on fire,
it'll be me!

[chuckles]

Aw, Bex,
you didn't think this through.

[hums languidly]

- [snoring]
- Okay, witch, bury my secret forever.

[both yell]

The witch is gone!

What kinda evil person
would steal a witch?

- A witch!
- Without our effigy, Witch Day can't

officially begin, can it?
Nope.

No chili cook-off,
close the corndog booth,

shut down the Devil's Wheel.

Shut it all down!

- [gasps] My chili!
- My witch mix!

My Mustard Boy!

If I don't burn something,
I'm gonna lose my mind!

[all yell]

We can't let a witch stealer steal

our soon-to-be-award-winning
chili thunder!

Young man, if you do not tell
me where the real witch is,

I swear I will light you
on fire.

- Mrs. Harris, it's me, Bex!
- Oh, Bex!

If you don't tell me
where the real witch is,

I swear I will light you
on fire.

It was Duncan!
I don't know where they went!

- Mommy!
- Ah!

So many stairs!
All right, Jing.

Go find your brother.

[sniffs]
He's that way!

- [all clamoring]
- We've got to find him!

Clean getaway.

I wiped our tracks away
with a tree branch

and peed on several bushes
to throw them off the trail.

This isn't my first getaway.

Okay, Mia, what's
the next part of the plan?

Just wait it out until the town

finds something new
to be mad about.

[phones chime]

"Oakdale Witch Kidnapped
by New Town Virgin.

Angry Mob Vows To Be Mad
For Rest of Lives."

This town has some
real anger issues.

I hate it so much!

Oh, my God.
I have to move.

Hey, they mentioned us too.

They ranked us in order
of probable virginity.

You won't believe
who number three is.

- Is it me?
- Yes.

We can never go back.

We have to start
a new life here.

A new society, like
after a zombie apocalypse.

[moaning]

- [grunting]
- s*ab, dead! Yeah!

You're the sexiest zombie
slayer alive, Duncan.

Tell me something
I don't know,

hot girl who sees the good man
beneath my dark side.

[zombies moaning]

Oh, no, Duncan,
you've been bit.

Yeah, we'd better make out quick

before your flesh falls off
and you eat my brains.

With pleazh.

[knocking at door]

- Duncan, somebody's trying to get in!
- Zombies?

It's your hot mom and that
guy she's too good for.

- Dunkie! Open up!
- You're not in trouble, son!

Witch Day is a barbaric tradition

- and we're proud of you!
- It's time somebody ended it!

Oh, thank God,
we were worried sick...

about the chili cook-off
being cancelled.

Cuff him, Jack-o.

Again, your acting is...
is simply amazing.

- Good work.
- Mmm! Mm...

Sorry, Duncan, this nose
is my greatest strength

and my greatest weakness.

- Take him away, Jack-o.
- We got the witch!

And the virgin!
Witch Day is back on!

[panting]
Duncan! The whole town's...

oh, never mind.
You know.

[all cheering]

Ugh, how could you
do this to me?

Someday when you have kids
of your own

and you really wanna win
a chili competition,

then you'll understand.

- All right!
- Whoo-hoo!

We did it!
Witch Day is back on!

[all cheer]

All: ♪ For he's a jolly good virgin ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good virgin ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good virgin ♪

♪ Who everyone has denied ♪

- Do your duty, Duncan.
- All: Virgin! Virgin!

- Virgin! Virgin!
- He'll be our virgin forever!

- Forever!
- [gasps]

Oh, poor Duncan!
This is horrible.

I'll have no grandchildren.

Oh, no, Jack.
What have we done?

You're accusing me of being
a virgin,

and your accusations
are correct,

but what about all the people

with false accusations
that were b*rned?

Witch Day is wrong.

I can't remember
all the reasons why,

but Mia can tell you.

No, we love our misguided beliefs!

Don't you try to enlighten us!

We love being dumb
and burning stuff!

Then maybe it's time
you got b*rned.

I'm gonna read
your darkest secrets.

- He's bluffing!
- Yeah, and he's a terrible reader.

I'm his teacher,
so that's on me.

Okay, dark secret number one,

"I wear a blue baseball cap

to hide the fact
that I am balding."

- [all gasp]
- That could be anybody!

Dark secret number two,

"I don't really believe
in witches.

"I just like three-day weekends

to get baked
and work on my music."

Damn!
Hey, that dude's bald!

Everyone look at him!

Dark secret number three,

"I cheated
on my spouse with... "

- All: Stop!
- For the love of God,

give him what he wants!

I'll tell you what I want.

What do I want, Mia?

- You want to cancel Witch Day, right?
- Um, yeah, sure.

I mean it is
a horrible tradition,

but this is my first one and
it actually looks kinda fun.

I didn't know there would
be rides and games.

Is that a standing
roller coaster?

I have always wanted to try one.

Make up your mind, girl.

Are we outraged or not?
It affects my setlist.

Okay, what about a compromise?

Have a fun Witch Day,

but also set up an information
booth that tells the story

- of the town's barbaric witch burnings.
- Information booth?

I don't know if the taxpayers
will go for it.

"I asked a foreign government
to dig up dirt on... "

Booth approved!

And I am not gonna be the
town virgin or burn the witch.

Ah!
Ugh!

Dunkie's on fire!

We need some sort
of liquid to put him out!

Use your chili to save Duncan!

Of course, our
sure-to-win-first-place chili!

Are we hesitating?

No!
Hey, is that a rain cloud?

- Throw it!
- Okay!

Ow, ow, ow.

[yelling]

We're sorry we let
our competitive nature

cloud our judgment.

Winning means nothing
if something happened to you.

Are you the people
that splashed all over me?

- Yeah, sorry about that.
- Don't be.

It's so good,
I ate down to my bone.

And the winner is
Annie and Jack Harris!

[cheers, scattered boos]

Look at her, Jack.

When I die,
I want my ashes in there.

- You got it, baby!
- Mommy's gonna live in there someday.

We're proud of you, Dunker.

Standing up for Mia's beliefs.

You may still be a virgin,
but today you became a man.

I'm proud of you too.

You stole that dead woman's
chili and you made it your own.

[cheering, screaming]

[chuckling]

[groans]

- [both yelling]
- Slide.

You got this, Bex.

- [retches]
- Yeah!

Victory! [retches]
My filling!

Both: Nice.
[chill music playing]

You can buy one CD for five, two
for five, or three for five...

- Nah, I'm good.
- Get your bald ass outta here.

Women were unfairly branded
witches

due to viral outbreaks,
bad weather, poor harvests,

all exacerbated
by their economic status.

So to answer your question,
the bathroom's over there.

Well, you know what
they say, movements take time.

I read that on one
of your T-shirts once.

Wanna ride the Ferris wheel?

Yes!
I mean, I dunno. Sure.

Fresh batch of dogs.
Woof-woof.

Hey, sorry I said I was
gonna k*ll and eat you.

You gotta know by now
it was an idle thr*at.

You know that's pork.

[both laugh]

You are one freaky little pig.

Guess he's not gonna show.

[sighs] One, please.

♪

You came back!

Hey, I was hoping
I'd see you again.

I've been thinking of you
since last Witch Day.

- You have?
- Ow! My eyes!

- It burns! It burns!
- I'll wash it out!

Ow, oh!
You're k*lling me!

I'm so sorry!
See you next year!

Mom!

[laughter, cheers]

♪

[witch cackles]

Congratulations on your chili trophy.

- What?
- [gasps] Mrs. Martin!

You stole my chili.

Now I'm gonna steal
your children.

[cackles]

Oh, was that a dream?

[whispers] I don't know.
Do people share dreams?

[haunting moaning]
[snoring]

- She's back, and she eats children!
- Ah!

[haunting moaning]
[thuds]

And that's why we witch-proof!