01x07 - Jack's Pipe Dream

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

Okay, Jing, don't forget,

after ice skating you
have a riding lesson.

Then after riding, you have fencing.

En garde!
[munching]

Duncan, what are you doing after school?

- Wait, I have school today?
- Kimber, check my plumbing schedge,

and hit me with my appoints.

[beeping]

All your appoints just "canced."

- I told you not to be yourself with people.
- That can't be right.

My customers love me.

I'll bet Russia's hacking my phone,

or I'm being "Impractical Joker'd".

Either way, it's
destroying our democracy.

Calm down, Jack.
Democracy's already dead.

What am I gonna do?

You know how important my work is
to me and that I can't be alone.

Enjoy it, Jack. You got the day off.

It's your own personal Jack's off day.

- [laughing]
- What's so funny?

- Tell me!
- Well, Jing...

- Don't you dare.
- You're right, honey.

I'm just gonna enjoy myself today

and go somewhere where I can
forget all about plumbing.

[bell jingles]

You're not gonna install
that shower head yourself.

I'm a plumber, and I could
follow you to your shower

- and screw it in for you.
- And I'll take this pepper spray, too.

- [bell jingles]
- You're even needier than usual today, Jack.

If I didn't enjoy people's
discomfort so much,

I'd ask you to leave.
What's going on?

All my jobs canceled today, Hal,
and I can't figure out why.

Well, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news.

Eh, who am I kidding?
I enjoy it.

[chuckles]
There's a new plumber in town.

New plumber?!
[creepy music]

Yep, he stopped in on his way
over to Mrs. Tramer's house.

That was my appointment.

She canceled because her
uncle d*ed in a plane crash!

I'm gonna see this
"new plumber" right now.

- [gasps] Oh!
- [screams]

I can't see!

[tires screech]
[music]

[grunts]

Dead uncle, my ass.

I didn't plan it, Jack. It just...
it just happened.

Hello, mate. I'm Bobby Bastille.

- What?
- You in need of a plumber?

I am a plumber!
Why is your shirt off?

Well, why wouldn't it be?

Ah, this is called an
Australian tuxedo, mate.

Oi, oi, oi, oi.

You're good to go, Mrs. Tramer.

Please, don't leave me, Bobby.

Oh, sorry, I've got a full
day of people who need me.

- These are my clients!
- I don't know what to say, mate.

I guess they found another
man to lube their tubes.

That sounds like you knew
what to say.

Good day.

Good... ah... day... ah.

[sighs]

What are you still doing in my bathroom?

Lamenting the toll the
years have taken on my body.

[screams] Why do women
keep doing that to me?!

[panting]
[music]

Ohh!

I'm not trash!

Ohh!

[rock music]

Namaste.

[grunting]

Ah, huh, ohh.

Ohh, ohh, ohh, oh!

[grunts]

Ahh, ohh, no!

I know I'm a good plumber,
but he's hot as hell, Annie.

- I can't compete.
- What? You don't have to compete.

You're the best-looking guy in town.
Damn.

My sink's making a weird noise.

Oh, he's hot. You're screwed, Dad.

- Give me that card back.
- I threw it away.

I can see it in your pocket.

Nope. Threw it away.
Time for a bath.

And no matter what you hear, I'm fine.

[sighs] My
rock-and-roll good looks

can't compete with that guy.
Ugh.

[gulping]

- He's been like that all night.
- He's not even chewing.

[gulping]

It's gonna be okay, Jack.

You just need to figure
out your next move.

You're right, Annie.
I should k*ll myself.

I'll be in the garage.
Don't come in for 15 minutes.

Ah, make it 20, in case a good
song comes on the car radio.

You're not k*lling yourself.

And did you pay the
life insurance premium?

It's just a stupid job, Dad.

Nowadays, people have three
or four careers in their life.

Like, I'm gonna be an influencer,
then a YouTube star,

and when people tire of me,
I'll do network TV.

And when my history
teacher's not teaching,

he drives an Uber, and
when he's not doing that,

he sharpens knives in the parking lot,

and when he's not doing that,
he can sign you up

- for Cricket Wireless.
- You can be anything you want, Jack.

Accountant, business accountant,

certified public accountant.

This is an opportunity to
completely reinvent yourself.

Well, there is this one thing,
but I don't want to say it,

because you're just
gonna think I'm nuts.

Go on. Whatever it is, you
have your family's support.

- Right, kids?
- Dream, Daddy, dream!

Well, for the last 35 years, I've, uh...

oh, boy, I've been working
on, uh, an idea for a...

It's okay, Jack. We're on your side.

Rock opera.

- Mm-hmm... mm...
- [coughs]

Is that silent excitement I'm detecting?

ALL: Mm-hmm.

It's great that you're
dreaming of a new career,

but rock operas aren't
really the rage anymore.

That's because there's
never been one like this.

It's about a kid who has
no sense of taste or smell

- but plays a mean game of Skee-Ball.
- That sounds like "Tommy."

No, "Tommy's" about a
deaf, dumb, and blind kid

who plays a mean pinball.

- Read the back of an album cover.
- I'll humor you, Dad.

- What's your rock opera called?
- "Rommy."

- Is anyone going to state the obvious?
- All my notes are still here.

I just have to write the songs and
see if my fog machine still works.

Are you sure you don't want
to consider the CPA thing?

I mean, those dudes are
the bad boys of math.

Nope.
This is what I was meant to do.

And I owe it all to you guys for
encouraging me to dream again.

I don't know how much longer
I could've gone on the way I was.

You just quit plumbing an hour ago.

Okay, honey. You go
work on your rock opera.

We're just gonna slowly
back into the kitchen

and whisper to each other.

- Hmm.
- Is Daddy's brain broken?

No, Jing. Daddy's fine.

Dad's having a nervous breakdown, Mom.

I don't need any more
negative attention at school.

Not after I pooped my gym shorts
at the top of the rope.

Maybe you should start
dating again, Mom,

just to play it safe.
I need structure.

Don't panic, kids.
This is just a phase.

He will tire of this
the same way he tired

of boxing, turtle racing,
and ghost busting.

So am I busted or what?
[electricity whizzing]

I need more Post-It notes.

I just had the best idea for a scene
after the fourth intermission.

Go get 'em, honey!
Rock that opera.

You're not embarrassing at all, Dad.

- Mom will always love you.
- And your brain is fine.

[giggling]

Aw, it's good to see him excited again.

[whirring, thumping]

Jack, you're snoring again.
[thumping]

Jack?

[synthesizer playing]

Hey! Couldn't sleep?
Me either.

Have you been out here all night?

Yep, yep, yep. I'm
pumped full of inspiration

- and Adderall.
- I need that for school.

Look at me, look at me,
look at me. No, you don't.

So you got a little bit of work done?

Better. I finished the
play, wrote all the songs,

started the sets, have
some rough choreography

and caught a black widow spider.
It's under that cup.

You finished the whole thing?

It's super rough, but I'm
not changing a word of it.

- Want to hear it?
- Not really.

Okay, here we go.

Rommy is a peace-loving
18-year-old boy

who was born in the USA
but raised in H-E-L-L.

Hell.

Daddy's keyboard swore.

The only thing he loves
more than peace is Skee-Ball

and Rainbow, his hippie
flower-child girlfriend.

Wow, that sounds terrific.
Okay, we have to go...

Now, Rommy's dad is
a warmongering general.

[militaristic drumming]

And his mom is a greedy oil tycoon

who only loves the
sound of a cash register.

[elephant screaming]
Hang on.

[car horn honks]

Leave Britney alone!

You know what a cash
register sounds like.

Anyway, they're locked in
a battle for Rommy's soul,

but eventually they learn
that all you need is...

I haven't written that song yet.

So what do you think?
Any questions?

- Where'd that spider go?
- To freedom.

He's just overtired.

Once he gets some sleep,
he'll forget all about this silliness.

You don't think I'm
wasting my time, do you?

You should tell me if you do,
even though I'm in no condition

to handle that kind of honesty.

- ALL: No!
- Sounds great, honey.

You keep working.

We're just gonna walk
backward to the kitchen

and share concerned looks.
[door closes]

- Oh, you're not goin' anywhere.
- His brain is broken.

Because you're my stars!

The play's about a family,
and you're pretty much

my favorite family, so
it makes perfect sense.

Of course, Jack.
Everything you're doing

makes perfect sense,
but let's not forget

how much you love being a plumber.

That Jack is dead, baby!

Rehearsal starts in ten, baby!

I'm not playing Duncan's girlfriend.

I'm still in therapy
about being his sister.

Look, I'll date my sister,
but I don't want to dance.

- Where's my character?
- I was thinking you could represent

the conflict between America's promise

and its sins of genocide and oppression.

- Can I be a cat?
- Yeah, that works, too.

Okay, and action!

I'm Rommy. I play Skee-Ball.

Cut! Son, it's a rock opera.

When it's in italics, you sing it.

- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Fine.

I guess I'll just go
stick my head in the oven.

- [sighs] Okay, I'll sing.
- Ugh, Jack, you can't keep

threatening su1c1de
to get what you want.

It's called directing, and it worked.

Now, let's go again.
And action!

- [playing guitar]
- ♪ I'm Rommy ♪

♪ I can't taste ♪
Why?

♪ I can't smell ♪

[sighs]
♪ I'm pregnant ♪

- Mom!
- Jack, Kimberly cannot be

- carrying Duncan's baby!
- It's not Duncan's baby.

It's Rommy's,
and it may or may not be

the second coming of Christ.
I haven't decided yet, but it is.

Five, six, seven, eight.

[playing guitar]

♪ Don't be a fool, Rommy ♪

♪ Let's go k*ll some commies ♪

♪ We'll be father-son
army buddies ♪

♪

♪ Don't you fall
for his poor potion ♪

♪ Come with Mom and
frack the ocean ♪

♪ We'll get rich and
buy matching Jet Skis ♪

♪ I'm a cat, that is that ♪
Meow.

Okay, then your mom and
I will drop some bad acid,

strip our clothes off,
and do a groovy dance

where we learn that all you need is...

- I still haven't written that song yet.
- Strip your clothes off?

Don't worry, we'll be
wearing nudie tights

so we don't shock the audience.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Audience?

We're not performing
this for people, right?

Yeah, I thought we were just
keeping you from offing yourself.

Well, I was gonna save this,
but you know the theater

- at the top of the hill?
- Hilltop Theater?

I rented it out, and
we're going to perform

for the whole town Saturday night!

ALL: No!

Being freaks in the privacy
of our garage is one thing,

- but in front of the whole town?
- We can't do this...

it'll be like Kimberly at the
top of the rope all over again.

Well, I don't like this
any more than you do.

You kids get your dad his
favorite spaghetti pizza,

and we'll break the news
to him that we're quitting.

The show must not go on.

Honey, I just had a brainstorm!

Where's our American flag
and blowtorch?

Everyone be a jacket.

We're jackets.

- What are you all doing in here?
- Practicing our lines?

Love the work ethic.

But don't over-rehearse,
it won't feel real.

I found that spider! Aah!

Hey, guys. What's up?

Good day, madam, we're
feeling a bit peckish,

but find ourselves low on funds.
Can you accommodate?

- You mean you want free food.
- Yep!

Okay.

Burnt pizza slices,
rock-hard garlic knots,

and this calzone that was
coughed on by a kid with measles.

I'll roll the dice.
[munches]

Hey, Duncan.
Hey... you.

I'm on his radar!

Here's your spaghetti pizza.
Is it your dad's birthday?

No. We have to break his heart.

Oh, and I think it is his birthday.

- Cool ponytail, Duncan.
- Oh, yeah.

My dad's making us do
this dumb rock opera.

I'm a draft-dodging
hippie Skee-Ball prodigy

who can't taste or
smell for some reason.

We think it's about Vietnam.

Or incest. There's no telling.

I love rock operas.
I'd totally go see that.

You would?
'Cause I'm, like, the star.

And it's all about me and my journey.

You know,
my grandma was a Vietnam vet.

I bet that would bring
back some great memories.

- Count us in!
- I need ten front and center seats,

and I'm showing up late.

- If the theater has heat, I'll go.
- Oh, yeah, you'll be so... hot...

in the theater 'cause
of the temperature.

- Oh, my God, Duncan. Let's go!
- Ugh!

Good news, honey, the
nudie tights came in,

and we're gonna look really naked.
They block nothing.

Yeah, about that, the
kids and I were talking

in the closet earlier, and...

How do I put this delicately?

Sweetheart, your play is...

how should I say this?... terrible.

- Huh?
- We don't want to perform it

in public or private
or really anywhere.

Really?
Everyone feels this way?

- It's okay, kids. Love is honesty.
- What? Mom's crazy.

The play has a great
message of some kind,

and Mia likes my ponytail,
so I can't wait to perform it.

And I want to do it, too.
The theater has heat, right?

Annie, are you trying
to crush my dreams?

What?
No. [forced laughter]

I was, um, just in character

and being a soulless oil tycoon.

I can't wait for my friends,
coworkers, and bosses to see it.

Good, because I printed
out 10,000 flyers,

and you need to pass 'em out
while you're working your b*at.

Copy that. It's showtime.

[sighs, grunts]

I'm a horrible wife.

[music]

Hey, Mia, it's me, Duncan.

I know. You make a great hippie.

Thanks. I tie-dyed my shirt,
but, um, I forgot to let it dry.

Cool. Hey, does the theater
smell like crap up there, too?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, the cat is played by Jing.
I know her!

There's hardly anybody here, Jack.
There's no shame in being ashamed.

- Let's go!
- That doesn't make sense.

You handed out all the flyers, right?

Yep. Got rid of every last one.

Well, even if my story only
reaches Duncan's weird friends

and that old soldier,
it's a story worth telling.

Places, everyone!

[music]

♪ I'm Rommy ♪

♪ I'm Rainbow ♪

♪ I'm pregnant ♪

♪ With my baby ♪

Oh, I'm very happy to be here.

♪ I'm a m*llitary guy ♪

♪ I love genocide ♪

♪ I love to k*ll, k*ll, k*ll ♪

♪ K-k-k-k*ll, k*ll, k*ll ♪

♪ I'm an oil tycoon ♪

♪ I just bought the Moon ♪

♪ I like to drill, drill, drill ♪

♪ Then I s-spill, spill, spill ♪

[chirps]

- Focus!
- It's not a movie, Grandma.

I know.
I was yelling at my eyes.

[music]

[both squeaking]

[water rushing]

[metal groaning]
[alarm blaring]

[rumbling]

Come on, Fluffy. Just try and go.

[rumbling]

[dog yelps]

Fluffy? Oh, my God!

Bertha, cancel my State
of the Sewers address,

and get me my floaties.

- Bottom drawer.
- [inhales deeply]

[water bubbling]

Bertha?
This will not define my term!

Hmm.

- Hmm.
- A sewer pipe break?

Yeah, I don't really fix things.

I just take my shirt
off and bang a few pipes.

[chuckles]

But I think I know just the guy.

♪ If I roll to the left ♪

♪ Then it's Mother Earth's death ♪

♪ If I roll to the right ♪

♪ Then w*r I must fight ♪

♪ Why are parents
so into control? ♪

- ♪ Come on, let me in your ♪
- ALL: ♪ Love hole ♪

♪ Let him in your love hole ♪

♪ Get a ball deep
in your love hole ♪

♪ Let him in your love hole ♪

- ♪ Love hole, love hole ♪
- [high pitch]

[all panting]

I know what that song's really about.

He's good at Skee-Ball.

[all screaming, panting]

Look at this crowd. It's a hit!

Jack, there's a plumbing
emergency in town.

Oakdale needs you, Jack.

If you don't help us, this town
will be under water forever.

Oh, now you need him. You dumped
him before just 'cause he's ugly.

He's not that ugly.
He's, like, a solid six.

Sorry, folks. I don't
do plumbing gigs anymore.

The theater is my toolbox now,

and the only pipes I care about

- are between my jaw and clavicle.
- Daddy, our house is swimming.

[gasps]
We're gonna lose our home, Jack.

But the next scene is the climax.

Where am I gonna find a tenor
that can sight-read music?

♪ He's standing right
in front of you ♪

- [all gasp]
- Oh, wow.

I feel stirrings.

Uh, Jack, you should really go take care

- of that flood thingy.
- Yeah, get out of here.

You're right, Kimberly.
The town needs me.

- Because at a time like this...
- Just go!

Okay, okay!

♪ You were born for w*r ♪

♪ How can you be sure? ♪

♪ Born to drill the Earth ♪

♪ Coach me in childbirth ♪

♪ I like to meow and purr ♪

♪ I was born to ♪

♪ Roll ♪

♪ I was born to roll ♪

♪ My balls are my soul ♪

♪ Don't try to change me, man ♪

ALL: ♪ He am what he am ♪

- ♪ Born to roll ♪
- ALL: ♪ Balls are his soul ♪

♪ I was born to plumb ♪

♪ Water's filling my lungs ♪

♪ Gotta save this ungrateful town ♪

♪ Don't sing, or else I'll drown ♪

ALL: ♪ Don't sing, he'll drown ♪

♪ Oh, no, pants down ♪

Thanks!

♪

[panting]

I did it!
[shushing]

- Hey!
- Shut up!

♪ Without w*r ♪

♪ I would never know I love
peace ♪

♪ w*r ♪

Oh, take me, army man.

[cheers and applause]

Whoa, someone wants a Tony.

Well, the flood's receding.
It's FEMA's problem now.

[applause]
Author! Author!

- You're a hero, Daddy.
- I don't want to get all gooshy,

but I'm glad you didn't k*ll yourself.

Not today, son. Not today.

You're the real plumber, Jack.

I'm just a stripper who
took my gimmick too far.

[Australian accent]
Thanks, mate.

[cheers and applause]

Enjoy intermission. We'll
be back for the second act.

ALL: What? Oh.

The reviews are in.

I'm too nervous. You read it.

Let's see.
"Plumber Saves Town,"

Bertha's memorial,
"North Korea launches..."

Oh, here we go,"'Rommy' is a brilliant,

inspiring, star-making triumph."

- [gasps]
- "For Bobby Bastille,

"who has been whisked to Hollywood

"and cast as heroic Jack the Plumber
in feel-good flood movie."

- Hmm.
- Unbelievable.

I know a famous person.

I shook his hand.
He kissed my wife!

And not just a little, for a long time.

You're really taking this well, Jack.

Well, being a great playwright was fun,

but I realized my true
passion is plumbing.

Look, I even got new
business cards made.

Not bad, huh?

We have to destroy
those business cards!