03x01 - Gamer vs. Gamer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Duncanville". Aired: February 16, 2020 - present.*
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Animated sitcom centered around a spectacularly average 15-year-old boy, his family and friends.
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03x01 - Gamer vs. Gamer

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [Growls]

- Mommy!
- A a a a a a ah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

[indistinct chatter]

- [grunting]
- Open, stupid locker!

You still don't remember
your combination?

I made up that song to help you.

♪ Your locker combination
is one, two, three ♪

[grunts] This is easier.

'Sup Oakdale?

This is Mr. Mitch with
your morning announcements.

Okay, the football team lost,
but the soccer team also lost.

Erica P. Broke up with Brian A,

but we all know that won't last.

Oh, and word is,
one of our students

is actually a 53-year-old narc.

I wonder to whom they
could be referring?

And a big congratulation
to Kazu Parks

for getting a
shout-out from Slayer!

[all cheer]

A shout-out from Slayer?

I do declare!

Kazu?

Rolling book bag Kazu got
a shout-out from Slayer?

You're gonna say,
"Are you kidding?"

- But who's Slayer?
- Are you kidding?

Slayer is the LeBron
James of gaming.

Do you know nothing
about American history?

Slayer is a king or queen maker!

And in honor of
Kazu's shout-out,

I'm making this a snow
day. Everyone, go home!

[all cheer]

This is the third time this
week he's canceled school.

- All: Kazu! Kazu!
- That's it.

We either get a Slayer shout-out

or we be happy for Kazu.

Did you hear about Kazu?

That is fyre... With
a... with a "y."

b*at it, narc!

Annie, kids, I did it!

I got Baltic Avenue in the
grocery store Monopoly game!

Free pack of taco
seasoning, here we come!

[vocalizing]

Ow!

Hmm, I should fix that nail
before somebody gets hurt.

Let's see. Need a hammer.

Don't feel like walking
to the kitchen to get one.

This'll do.

- Jack!
- That's our family photo album!

- You mean the big coaster?
- I use it as a squatty potty.

This is where we keep all of
our treasured family pictures

from over the years.

It's my most prized possession!

How do you zoom in?

How do you know if your
haters like it or not?

You kids have never seen photos?

Both: Pho-tos?

The family photo album
is a visual history

of every important
person in your life.

That's me with, um, Paulette?

Jack, is that...
Is that Paulette?

I don't know any Paulette.

She sang "Wind Beneath
My Wings" at our wedding.

If you say so.

So big coaster has old
photos of you guys?

Yup!

And I can't think of anything

more fun to do than
learn about your parents

via the magic of
chemically coated paper.

Gather round!

Can't we go claim our
free taco seasoning?

I've already called the manager;

They're holding it for us.

So screens off, eyes open,

and wow, we have a lot
of pictures of Paulette.

[electronic bleeps and bloops]

- Heads hot. Heads hot.
- Another heads hot!

Great head sh*ts today.

All right, nobody pees

till we get a
shout-out from Slayer.

And I say that as someone
who really has to pee.

Wait, you're watching
someone play a video game?

Why don't you just play
video games yourselves?

[all laughing]

Mia, tell me you are in jest.

Yeah, even my
grandma knows that.

- Yeah, Lisa. Keep up.
- Whoa, heads hot!

Shout-out to FroggyBoy36.

Get well soon, man.
Mono is a bitch!

Ugh, that lucky, sleepy bastard!

Oh, I got a comment I bet
nobody ever says to him.

"Slayer, you're good at gaming."

No response?

But I was typing from the heart.

Ooh, let me try.

"Hey" with eleven Ys?

Mm-mm. We are not that thirsty.

It's this stupid
sticky keyboard!

Why is the keyboard sticky?

- Uh...
- That's weird.

Can we just move on?

All right, Slay Mates,

this next round is for
my favorite charity,

Operation Wag,

which rehabilitates
dogs with limp tails.

These poor pups' erectail
dysfunction is our ticket

to a shout-out from
Slayer, but we need cash.

I know!

Hey Grandma, it's
Duncan's birthday!

Give him some money!

- Hang on, hang on.
- [mumbles indistinctly]

Ooh, a Tums!

- Oh! Hurry up, Grandma!
- It's an emergency!

Emergency?

Hey, my parents gave me
an emergency credit card.

All: Yes!

Are you sure your parents

will be okay with
you using that?

Absolutely.

Now, Duncan, this
card can only be used

under the following
circumstances...

If a bully takes
your lunch money.

If a bully smears sloppy
Joes on your shirt

on Picture Day and
you need a new one.

If you're buying a new
shirt and a bully says.

"Hey, gimme that credit card."

- Duncan!
- Clickity clack them digits in!

- Hey, are you bullying me?
- Yes.

That's all I needed to hear.

And here's the hallway closet
in our first apartment.

You'd pull that string,
and a light would turn on.

Mah-huh.

And this is a blurry photo

of a house we looked
at but didn't buy.

Righ... right.

- Huh?
- [gasps]

Were those mugshots?

Uh, everyone ignore each other

and look at your
phone for hours.

Amazing what these
things can do!

- No, what the hell were those?
- Language, Jing!

No, she's right, what
the hell were those?

Both: Mm...

- Duncan, hurry!
- Kazu just donated five bucks!

He's gonna own the school!

RollingBookBag68 with the dono.

Keep rollin', brother.

He called him brother! Duncan!

Ten dollars. Done.

No way. No way. Oh, my God.

Duncan Harris and his crew,
Bex, Yangzi, Wolf, and Mia

have just made a k*ller
donation to Operation Wag.

Major props, my Slay
Mates. Let's go!

[all cheer]

Bite me, Kazu!

What? Slayer said my name.

- You know what?
- A shout-out isn't enough.

You're all coming to
my private island IRL.

ASAP. [All gasp]

And I'm giving you my
personal customized keyboard.

[imitates g*nsh*t] [all gasp]

- What's the big deal?
- It's just a keyboard.

It's like Tom Brady
giving you his arm.

Like Ruth Bader Ginsburg
giving you her robe.

Oh, my God!

And if blue's not your jam?

Boom. ♪ Aqua ♪

[groaning]

I can't wait to meet the dude

that donated $10,000
to my charity!

- $10,000?!
- Heh?! What?!

Uh-oh. Stuck key.

Thank you so much, Duncan.

No!

- I found a dollar!
- Happy Birthday, Lisa.

- Okay, a-all right.
- Explain it to me again.

Look at me.

You promised to donate $10,000,

and you don't have $10,000.

- Don't as in "do not"?
- [groans]

Let me try, Mia.

You don't have it!

Whoa, whoa, everybody chill.

If this is heading towards
"You gotta do the right thing

and tell Slayer the truth,"

then I am pumping
the brakes hard.

Slayer's gonna give us
his keyboard, Duncan.

His keyboard. I bet it
smells like his hands.

- I know.
- That's what makes this so hard.

[all gasp]

[all yell]

Slayer, comin' through
with the sick entrance.

Which one of you is Duncan?

- Oh, my God!
- Somebody answer him.

- Come on, guys!
- We're going to my island!

I've got Red Bull
Coconut Edition!

- I don't have $10,000.
- What should I do, Mia?

He's got Extreme Kiwi-Apple!

You can only get that
at Shell stations!

[cheers and laughter]

- [gasps]
- You guys were arrested?

Jack, why would you put these
in our family photo album?

I'm a scrapbooker, Annie.

You knew that when
you married me.

Is it okay if I go
to Slayer's island?

- Will his parents be home?
- I don't know.

Okay, text me when
you get there.

I can't believe you give me crap

for having my earpods too loud,
and you guys are murderers!

- We're not murderers!
- Then what did you do?

Yeah, start talkin', lady.

[both sigh]

All right, you guys remember
when Tipper Gore was trying

to put explicit lyric
warning labels on CDs, right?

- CDs?
- Tip-per?

It was the '90s.

"Veronica's Closet" was changing

everything we know
about television.

[both laughing]

That's so true!

Half the country
owned a Jeep Wrangler,

and Sam Goody was
the place to be seen

while never buying anything.

Yeah! Spit that nasty stuff!

- ♪ [bleep] the police! ♪
- Wait.

What the police?

Annie, what did he say
to do to the police?

He didn't. Maybe respect them?

Feed them? I don't know!

Somebody's putting
bleeps over words

that are critical to
the artists' message!

But who?

It's the tight-ass wife

of our computer
nerd vice-president!

Jack, you have
crime in your eyes.

That night, we came back to
the store with a purpose.

This feels like kind of
an overreaction, Jack.

Can't we just, like, buy
the explicit version?

And trash our nails
peeling stickers off?

Let's see 'em censor this!

[gasps]

[siren chirps]

- Be cool, my baby.
- Let Jackie boy do the talking.

Good evening, pigs.

48 hours of hard time later,
your mom and I reunited.

A couple of jailbirds in love.

But we learned our lesson, and
we're model citizens today.

Story over.

Wait, that doesn't
make sense, Mom.

You tell us before bed
every night that if you have

a criminal record, you
can't be in law enforcement.

And you are in law enforcement.

And I'm five, and
that don't add up.

Yeah, that don't add up.

[groans]

Wow, you own that island?

Actually, I split
the rent with the guy

who invented the Scrub Daddy.

You guys ready to jump?

- Jump?
- Yeah, baby!

We're dropping in
"Fornite" style!

Let's get it!

[all yelling]

This is how I'm traveling
everywhere from now on.

Listen, I'm not gonna be
able to work my shift today.

I'm having lady issues. Don't
be sorry. It's okay. Bye!

"And crew." That's me.

Duncan, I am so proud of you

for keeping your
scammin' mouth shut.

Now if you'll excuse
me, barrel roll!

- I'm not scammin'!
- [grunts]

I'm delaying the truth!

Ah, hola, Bex!

Wait, if you're here, what
happens to the chopper?

I don't know.

Oh, I see. Cool.

[all grunt]

And superhero landing!

[grunting]

I'm back, Mom.

- Hi, Dennis.
- Slayer, Mom! Come on.

- Sorry, pookums.
- Ugh.

Come on, I'll show
you my gaming studio.

It's soundproof,
waterproof, and fartproof.

Oh, we'll see about that.

[all gasp]

- Welcome back, Slayer.
- Energy drink?

Whoa! A robot servant?

Actually, it's just a
hologram of a robot servant.

See? All: Ooh!

See, this is how you know

you're making just the
right amount of money.

Who's a ticklish hologram?

Ow. Those are my genitals.

Ugh! This place is so cool!

Not as cool as the ten grand
you donated to Operation Wag.

Yeah, about that, uh, there's
something I need to...

- Boom! Slayer swag.
- Take what you want, guys!

- First dibs!
- It was my ten grand.

I got a gaming
hemorrhoid pillow!

- I got a PlayStation 10!
- I got a Slayer hat.

[all groan] [Wolf sniffs]

And it smells like his head.

Gimme! See, Mia?

You do something good
and good things happen.

Duncan, this is dope as hell,

but you didn't do anything good.

You cheated a charity!

Just get the
keyboard and get out.

But to reiterate,
this is dope as hell.

Look at all the Rollies I got!

Ugh, you're right.

Slayer, it's really
been cool coming here,

jumping out of a chopper,

and fondling your hologram
robot, but we gotta bounce.

So if you could just
give us your keyboard...

I am absolutely going to
give you that keyboard.

Hmm?

When I present it to you

as a part of my live
stream charity event!

[all gasp]

All: Huh?

[cheers and applause]

I want the world to
meet the generous donors

that are gonna make it
possible for these little guys

to one day raise
their tails in pride.

[cheers and applause]

Wow, Duncan, you played
yourself this time.

So I spent the whole weekend
in jail, and you didn't?

Jack, you have to understand.

I've always wanted to tell you,

but I haven't been able to
because I haven't wanted to.

- Continue talking, lady.
- Okay, okay.

It all started the night
those mugshots were taken.

We know.

Tipper Bore?!

When I drive past Sam Goody,

how am I supposed to
explain that to my kids?

Trash talking the first lady?

Yeah, I could understand,
but the second lady?

Please, I can't go to jail!


I have a dream of someday

working at a very low
level of law enforcement!

Then pin this on your
hothead hippie boyfriend,

and you're free to
walk out of here.

Never.

You really wanna give up
your future for some loser?

- Sorry, pigs!
- She doesn't speak oink!

[laughing]

So, again, who sullied
Tipper Gore's name?

Oink! Oink!

[sighs]

[panting]

- Annie, how could you!?
- I'm so sorry, Jack.

Sorry?! You sold me out!

[sobbing]

Mommy's a snitch.

So in honor of your
incredible generosity,

here is my personal keyboard.

And yes, it smells
like my hands.

- I knew it.
- Okay, we gotta go.

Uh, can we take any
helicopter, or...?

Hang on, it looks like Banjo's

got a little thank you note!

All: Aww.

- See, Mavis?
- That dog appreciates his life.

- Fray-yood?
- It's "fraud."

That's right... I know
you don't have the money.

Your card was declined.

It's only authorized for
bully-related expenses.

- Oh, my God!
- You knew the whole time?

I'm so sorry.

You lied to me, and on
the Internet, no less.

All: Ooh!

Duncan, is this true?

Cheating me is one thing,

but cheating dogs
with limp tails?

What kind of
psychopath does that?

You think you know a guy.

There can only be
one punishment.

- A warning?
- One giant island.

All weapons unlocked.
Last man standing wins.

- Uh, what?
- I'm gonna hunt your ass.

Oh, and k*ll you.

[gasps]

A Kaboom Bow?

The splash damage on
that thing is epic!

Ah, which is not
good for us. Right.

All: Three, two, one!

[all yelling]
[audience cheering]

I teach the ones
being hunted, Mavis.

[all yelling]

This is crazy.

Do you think Slayer
really wants to k*ll us?

You figure it out.

Joker hair, island compound,
his name is Slayer!

And his hair, it's
like the Joker's!

Aw, I'm sorry, is that
what you were just saying?

Can't we work this out?

I don't know, I could
do, like, a payment plan

or mow your island.

I could tutor you!

Video games aren't
gonna last forever.

Don't you wanna be a success?

Are you kidding?

My thumbs are insured
for two mil each!

Aren't you? Yes, you are.

I've wasted my life.

That's it. w*apon time.

Ooh.

Mm.

Ah!

Mom!

I don't know if this changes
your mind, but my biggest fear?

Being hit by a lunch bag.

Heads hot!

[all yell]

[all panting]

[grunting]

I can't believe you
flipped on Dad to the cops

and then he went to the
sporting goods store,

bought a heavy bag,
came home, set it up,

and now he's trying to
punch the hurt away.

I know it seems
like I did wrong,

but because I
turned in your Dad,

I was able to
pursue my dream job

that provides so many great
things for this family,

like our limited HMO.

You kids love that limited HMO.

But my Stanley the St
ink less Skunk book

says that you always stand
by the person you love...

Even if it stinks for you.

Let me see that.

[muttering indistinctly]

Crap.

I can't believe I'm gonna die

just because I love
flavored caffeine!

Bet you guys wish you
were Christian now.

Almighty Lord, my savior,
beam my butt outta here.

[grunts]

Aw, come on, dude!

We're not gonna die!

Nobody knows video
games like us.

Yeah, we've been
wasting our lives

for a situation just like this.

- All we gotta do is run-jump.
- Run-jump.

Run-jump. Run-jump.

- Ugh, forget it, we're dead.
- No!

Video games always have
supplies hidden somewhere.

Look under every
rock, bush and crate!

There's gotta be a*mo
and rations underneath

[yelps]
- [yelps]

Oh, my God, our
friends are gone!

Yeah, we're alone
on this island.

Maybe we should, I don't know,

I'm just going by
movies I've seen,

but, like, bathe in
a waterfall together?

- Like...
- [grunts]

Bro, you didn't
really think you had

a sh*t with her, did you?

I don't know, prom's coming up,

and she's in one of
my classes, and...

Run-jump!

Run-jump!

Damn, he run-jumps good.

Why?!

- Are you mad?
- A weekend in jail, Annie!

That's Saturday and Sunday!

Jack, I told you the
rest of the story,

but there's a rest of
the rest of the story.

I left that station thinking
I was done with you forever.

But the more I tried
to enjoy my life...

The more I realized that
something was missing.

[groans]

That night, while
the nation partied

and watched the finale
of "Veronica's Closet,"

I realized how
much I needed you.

You weren't just
reckless and crazed,

you were also
passionate and manic.

You're unpredictable.

You go from belly laughs

to uncontrollable
sobs in seconds.

- [laughs]
- You're right.

I do. [Sobs]

And I realized
that cop was wrong.

I wasn't giving up my
future; You were my future.

- Hey, Kimberly.
- Yeah?

- Who is Tipper Gore?
- I still have no idea.

- Strafe! Crouch and roll!
- Power slide!

You can't escape me, Duncan!

Oh! Whoa!

All: Whoa!

Uh-oh! Duncan's going down.

Though that does solve my
overcrowded classroom problem.

Well, Duncan, looks like
you're the last man standing.

Yeah!

- Except for me.
- Oh, right.

Any last words before
I kaboom your ass?

Uh, ye... uh, yeah, um.

Let's see, um,
shout-out to my mom.

I'm sorry I never made my bed.

Shout-out to my dead friends.
You guys always had my back.

And, uh, shout-out to the
poor dogs I screwed over.

Remember, it's not
the wag in your tail,

it's the love in your heart.

[sighs] Okay, k*ll me.

[all grunt]

I'm not gonna k*ll you, dude.

Do you know how
off-brand that is for me?

I'm trying to get a shoe deal!

- But I owe you $10,000.
- It's all good.

I made double that off
this charity live stream,

and it's all going to Banjo
and his pals at Operation Wag.

Woof, woof!

I wanna live on this
island with you.

Mm. [Inhales deeply]

Dude, please just take the hat.

And I haven't
forgotten you, Duncan.

I want you to know that you
have not earned this at all.

Yeah, I did it!

There's only one thing
left we haven't done yet.

Pointless dancing!

[dance music playing]

♪ ♪

Oh, like I was gonna miss this?

[Duncan grunts]

I'm back. What's for dinner?

Did you have a nice time
at your friend's island?

- I don't know.
- It was an island.

Did you bring me anything?

Aw, he loves me. He's
wagging his tail!

- Yes, he is, Jing. Yes, he is.
- Can we keep him?

You were criminals.
You have to say yes!

Take our photo together.

Did I say that right? Pho-to?

That one's going in
the family album.

Uh, why are you
guys wearing sashes?

And what's NXIVM?

Both: Uh...
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