03x02 - Clothes and Dagger

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪

Ooh!

- Mommy!
- A a a a a a ah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

Come to me.
Give me the good stuff, Daddy.

You're mine!

Please, I have children!

The value pack is here!

The value pack is here!

If I'm like that at 40,
sh**t me.

You got it.

Duct cleaning,
carpet steaming...

Cheese on pie,

the Tollman's Semi-Annual
Boys' Pants Sale.

No way you're getting Duncan
to go shopping.

Last time you tried
to take him to buy socks,

he bit you.
- It still hurts when it rains.

But this time, I have a plan.
Duncan!

Ugh, what?
I talked to you yesterday.

Dunkie, how would you like
to go shopping

for that Cyclops visor
you've been wanting,

the one that makes lasers
sh**t out of your lives.

Ugh, the visor doesn't make
lasers sh**t out of your eyes.

It regulates the lasers
that sh**t out of your lies

due to a genetic mutation,
but yeah,

that sounds great.
Thanks, Mommy.

I bite her all the time,

and she doesn't
take me anywhere.

So in order
to sh**t optic beams,

I will need to mutate my eyes.

Don't freak out.
It won't cost money.

I can just stare into the sun
more than normal.

Uh-huh, that's nice, Dunkie.

Mom, no, where are we going?

You said we were having lunch
at Hooters!

Hey, this isn't
the Doja Cat concert!

Wait, something's not right.

No, no, tell me more
about those laser eyes.

No, traitor!

Not this year, boyo.

Come on, son,
activate eye lasers!

Oh, my eyes!

Excuse me, spunky sales gal,

would you measure
my growing son's inseam?

Okay, sweetie,
hop up on my pedestal.

Let's see how long it is.

Mom, why are you
watching this?

Turn around.

He's gotten to be a big boy,
hasn't he?

He just had a spurt.

Teenage boys
and their spurts.

Oh, my God,
please stop saying "spurt."

Okay, Dunkie,
go try these on.

I'm so sorry about him.

He's actually
much better than last year.

Thank you
for dropping the charges.

How do they fit?

Great.
Let's go.

Let me see.

You haven't even tried them on!

I'm not taking
my clothes off.

Everyone knows this place
posts videos

on German websites for pervs!

Tell you what,
just try these pants on,

and I'll get you
that "born to die" tattoo

you've always wanted.

I know
you're tricking me again,

but on the offhand chance
you're not,

I'll do it.

Ugh.

Four comforters,
slightly damaged luggage,

and a conversation about
the cashier's foot surgery?

What a great day.

Oh, my God,
I forgot to use my coupon.

That's the only reason we came.

Isn't that funny?
Duncan, did you hear me?

Duncan, about the coupon?

Be right back.

Ugh!

Wha?

Whoa, is that a Kn*fe?

Damascus steel
with a mother of pearl handle,

embossed with a Celtic symbol.

Oh.

Awesome. Today I become a man.

I'm glad I ran back in
'cause briefs are on sale.

Here, I'll hold the towel.
You can try 'em on.

Ah!

Ah!

Oh!
Ah!

I don't know
what sex feels like,

but it can't feel
as good as this.

Dunkie, do you know anything
about the 24 holes

in this couch cushion?

Or "Duncan Rulz" being carved
into the toilet seat?

Clearly the work of Jing.
Get out.

Our son is armed, Jack.

He's got a Kn*fe.
- Calm down.

I know how to handle a Kn*fe.

See?

Your precious furniture
is fine.

Give me that!

You'll k*ll yourself
and everyone around you!

I'm tired of you
treating me like a baby.

I've got hair
in five new places.

Number three will shock you.

You know, Annie, I did
get a Kn*fe when I was his age

in Boy Scouts.

It was a good way
to learn responsibility.

Yeah, I can use the Kn*fe
to help around the house,

chopping carrots,
gutting mackerel,

defending our home
during the Purge.

Please.

Duncan and I fighting
back-to-back in a purge,

I could use the help, honey.

New hair in five places, huh?

Well, maybe I do need
to let you grow up a little,

my fuzzy, little wuzzy...
Sorry, sorry.

Ugh, we're pinned down.

Commander Wolf,
what do we do?

Flank 'em from the sides.

I'll come behind
and tear 'em a new one.

- I will die for you, my king!
- Now!

Oh, they're lighting
my ass up!

Ding.
Order's up, bitch.

Wolf, I don't believe in w*r,

but you just make it
so much fun.

s*ab!

Ugh, screw it.
Hey.

Dude, that screen
was the only thing

keeping out this camper's
rightful owners.

Don't yell at me.
Yell at my little friend.

What's so funny?

Oh, it's just the idea
of you with a Kn*fe.

You're more of a yo-yo guy.

Yeah, it's like a monkey
with a guitar,

hilarious but not natural.

You're not even allowed
to use paper straws

at school after all
your eye jabbing accidents.

You guys think
I'm some sort of clown?

No, that's me.

I'm the clown,
Yangzi is the swag,

Mia is the brains,
and Wolf's the alpha.

That leaves you
the lovable goofball.

- Who's our goofball?
- You are.

- Yes, you are.
- You're a good, goofy boy.

Quit tousling me!

Listen, D,
just give the blade to Wolf.

You're not a Kn*fe guy.
- Says who?

Says those Jessica Simpson
low-rise jeans.

My mom's coupons
had exclusions.

Come on,
let's just play the game.

Mia, you get flash bombs.
Bex, grenades.

Yangzi, flamethrower.
Duncan, you get the yo-yo.

Ugh.

Aw, Duncan d*ed?
Sad, but life goes on.

No, we're donating his pants
to those in need.

Why would you give things
to charity

when you can make money
for yourself?

I'm listening.

You can sell your old clothes
online at Stitch-U-Ation,

the clunkily named
third hand clothes website.

I don't know.

Strangers walking around
in my little boy's pants?

What does it pay?
- Lots.

Someone sold a Rastafarian
Bart Simpson shirt

for $1 million.

Oh, I just cleaned
the bathroom with mine!

We were gonna donate
this stuff like idiots.

How does it work, Kimberly?

All we do
is post a picture of you

holding Duncan's
smelly old clothes,

call them distressed,
and then just wait

for the money to roll in.
- Wait?

I hate waiting for something

I didn't know existed
ten minutes ago.

Well, you don't have to wait
too long.

You just got your first offer,

but it isn't for Duncan's
stank-ass jeans,

it's for
your plumber shirt, Dad.

Never.

Your mother hand embroidered
my name on this.

They offered 75 bucks
for that and Mom's track pants.

75 bucks?

- Ugh!
- Screw you, charity!

All right, we're doing this!

Mmm, stolen burritos.

When you don't earn 'em,
they're just tastier.

Wolf, please regale us
with the spellbinding story

of how you pulled off
this spicy heist.

I pushed a Postmates guy
off his scooter.

- Damn!
- Love that story!

Yeah, well, I got us
these extra straws.

Ow.

Oh, damn, it's Fat Ricky.

How does that goose
always know when we have food?

Okay, be cool, be cool.

What up, Fat Ricky?

Well, we live
in this drainpipe now.

All right...

It's alpha time.

Come on, man, I don't want
to have to pluck you up today.

Oh, yeah?

You and what gaggle?

Whoa, ow, ow.

Chill out!

Take all of our food
and our wallets.

Ugh.

How do you want your friends
to see you, Duncan,

as yo-yo boy or Kn*fe man?

Yeah, I'm sick
of being the goofball

who gets laughed at.
I've got hair on my butt cr*ck.

That was number three
by the way.

I know.
I'm your pants.

Your goose is cooked,
Fat Ricky.

Yeah, you better waddle!

Damn, Wolf,
I thought you were a goner.

I had it handled.

I was just weighed down

by eating
that double meat burrito.

Duncan, you just cut a bag
right out of a goose's mouth.

Where did that come from?
- I don't know.

Guess my Kn*fe man instinct
kicked in.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- Nothing but mouth.
- My king.

Bex, chalupa.
Yangzi, tostada.

Mia, fish tacos.
Wolf, yo-yo.

It came with the kids' meal.

Cheer up, Wolf, and be sure
to check out my line

of cute shower curtains.

Morning, beautiful.

That was quite a night
we had last night, wasn't it?

Today is the first day
of the rest of my Kn*fe.

Oh, I mean life.
Sorry.

Ladies.

Hey, Blade.

Yo, Blade, this dude
won't stop bothering me.

Ugh, Friday nights.

Hey, the lady doesn't want
to dance with you, bro.

I find
your lack of chill disturbing.

Whoosh.

Sorry about your glow stick.

You big meanie!

Blade! Blade! Blade!

Blade! Blade! Blade!

Oh, ow! Worth it.

All right, you two,
your Stitch-U-Ation page

is on fire, so we need
to do this photo sh**t

to build
the Jack and Annie brand.

You're so oily, Daddy.

I could fry chicken
on your T-zone.

Okay, you're not getting
any younger,

so drop the robes
and start working it.

We'll do our best, honey,
but remember,

we're not professional models.

Yes, yes, work it.
You're fierce.

Own it.
Disown it.

You're tigers.
You're pussycats.

Bodybuilder.
Ballerina.

Janet Jackson.
Blue steel.

"Home Alone."
Chins up, all of them.

And death drop.

Ugh.

Oh, God, I'm spent.

I've done the best I can.
Nobody look at me.

Extra tater tot.
Thanks, Kn*fe.

I don't think knives
are allowed in school, Duncan.

- Says who?
- That sign.

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

Kind of hot that I don't care
about school safety, huh?

Yes.

Oh, damn,
the ankle bracelet kids.

No eye contact,
no pants wetting.

Ooh, my parents said
they are not buying me

another set of chains.

I'm just gonna smash
my own sandwich.

- Duncan, 'sup?
- Did he just "'sup" you?

Hey, heard you sent Fat Ricky
down south early.

Sick.

Guess that makes you
the alpha of this crew now.

Tough break, Wolf.

Hey, hey,
this guy's my friend,

and he's still kind of sore

from when that goose
sat on his face.

Dude, these guys
aren't birds.

Let me handle this.
- No, no.

You're in a lot of pain.

Yes, I am the alpha,

and I would appreciate it
if you spread the word.

Cool, let's meet up
after school, Big D.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

I mean, yeah, whatevs.

Uh, what just happened?

Normally you'd be wearing
your underwear

as a headband by now.
- I'm not surprised.

I bet they want me
in their crew.

You shouldn't have
called yourself the alpha.

Don't worry,
I won't bail on you guys

to hang with cooler kids,
but I probably will.

We'll still do
our secret Santa though.

Oh, a whetstone
for Kn*fe sharpening

would be so thoughtful.

People can't get enough
of your stuff.

The big California Raisins
T-shirt Mom sleeps in

just sold for 50 bucks.

Goodbye Def Leppard
satin baseball jacket.

It'll always be weird to think
of someone else inside you.

Come on, come on.
We promised two day shipping.

Finish taping up those boxes.

I'll drop them off
on my way to work.

Why are you dressed
like that, Mom?

I sold most of my stuff.

Apparently,
people draw the line

at old bathing suit bottoms.

Actually, that just sold.

Jing, trash bag me.

♪ I'm a Kn*fe guy ♪

♪ And I'm feeling fine ♪
Ooh, ow.

- Duncan.
- Uh-uh-uh.

Big D.

And go.

I know the alpha life
seems cool,

but it's not for you, man.

I didn't choose this life.
It chose me.

Being an alpha is more
than carrying a Kn*fe

in your mom jeans.

They're Jessica Simpson.

Choose your
next words carefully.

The ankle bracelet kids
are gonna destroy you.

By saying you're the alpha,

your mouth wrote a check
your ass can't cash.

- What the hell is a check?
- Old people Venmo.

Point is,
you're in over your head,

but don't worry.

I'm gonna help you
get out of it.

I'm gonna whup you good.
- What?

Don't sweat it.
I won't hurt you.

I'll just make it look
like I did.

Then I'll go back
to being the alpha,

and you can go back
to being the total sweetie

you've always been.
- I'm nobody's sweetie.

- Huh?
- Huh?

And what makes you think
I can't whup you good?

Pretty much
everything about you,

your noodly arms, you cry
when you zip your jacket,

I've seen you carried away
by a gust of wind.

Face it, Duncan, you're a wuss.
- You're just jealous!

So yeah, there's gonna be
a fight after school,

but not a fake one.

I'm gonna check out your ass,
and my mouth's gonna cash it!

Oh.

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

I always thought
the first fistfight

would be you and me.

Uh-uh, Bex, you do not want
to see these hands.

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Kimberly, thanks for
making us e-commerce tycoons.

I never thought
we'd have enough money

to shop at the Nice Target.

I loved buying
this new tracksuit,

and I'll love selling it
next week.

It looks just like
your old tracksuit.

No, it's double stitched.

And who ever thought
we'd be a family

that could afford
ForceFlex trash bags?

ForceFlex!

Jack,
you're gonna get us robbed.

Jing, get back here!

Oh, ha, I thought
they were my parents.

Oh, what an adorable
but dangerous mistake.

- Hey, they do look like us.
- And so do they.

That's why we've been selling
so many clothes.

We've got a look,
and everybody wants it.

Schlub Fest?

They think we're schlubs.
- Oh, I get it.

They're hipsters wearing your
old favorite clothes ironically

because they think the way
you define yourself

is hilariously lame and gross.
Oh, well.

Let's go back to Nice Target.

I want a Wolfgang Puck
personal pan pizza.

Lame and gross?

I'm getting angry,
and you won't like me

when I'm angry.

ForceFlex.

How dare they make fun
of the way we dress?

Get up, Jack,
we're going schlubbing.

Jing!
- Sorry!

Wrong schlubs.

Good afternoon
and welcome to the fabulous

Curves for Women parking lot!

Good luck, boys.

I know I say this every week,

but this is the high school
fight of the century

only in Oakdale.

In the interest of safety,
I will not be using my Kn*fe,

however, the fight
will be to the death.

- Punish him.
- Come on, Donna!

Yoga booty ballet is starting.

Before the fight begins,
we only have time

for 48 questions, go.

Wolf, Tim Weathers,
"Oakdale High Times,"

online version.
- Always a pleasure, Tim.

In your last fight,
you declared you were going

to break your foot off
in your opponent's buttocks.

Do you have similar intentions
for Duncan?

Yes.

Duncan, Jake Tapper,
author, journalist, father.

Up until now,
you've been known as the kid

who passes out while
getting dressed for gym class,

and you've never had a fight
in your life.

Do you feel ready?
- Great question, Jake.

I'm definitely ready.

My scoliosis will allow me

to move in ways my opponent
cannot anticipate.

All right, gentlemen,
I want both of y'all to know

that I think of you
as brothers,

and I cannot wait to see you
pulverize each other's faces!

Let's do this!

I can't wait to hide
in your bathroom tonight

so I can watch you crap teeth.

Just try not to pee on me
when I choke you out.

No promises.

I should really stop this,

but I want to ask Jake Tapper
for an internship.

Scoliosis swerve.

Wow, he's riding
that scoliosis like a wave.

If you hadn't told me we were
being mocked and insulted,

I would love this.

Whoa, you're Jack and Annie,
the original schlubs.

Ugh, I love your gave birth

and never worked out again
front pooch.

How'd you get that look?

You just described
how I got that look.

That table will pay 50 bucks
for a video of them

laughing directly in your face.
- Mommy, Daddy, you're a hit!

When I grow up,
I'm gonna be a total schlub

just like you!
- That is it.

As soon as she comes by with
that tray of little corn dogs,

we're giving them
a piece of our minds.

- No, Jack, now!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You take
those ironic cheers back,

you smug, over educated,
hot, young people!

You think
we're lame and gross?

Let me tell you something.

We used to be in your shoes,
which used to be our shoes.

The real irony is if you
didn't spend all your money

on used clothes, you'd have
a down payment on a house!

Oh, wait, no you wouldn't
because you defaulted

on all your student loans!

Ah, kiss my front pooch!

Yeah, you'll never be able
to afford anything

'cause we pulled the ladder up
behind us, suckers!

We were the last generation
that had a chance!

That's right!

We own two cars,
and they both guzzle gas!

Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

Gen X rules!

Gen X rules!

Don't worry, Wolf.

I'll donate your head
to the lice museum.

Your mom's gonna leave
your dad for me,

and I'm gonna be your father.

This smack talk
is getting really weird.

Let's see some blood!

Blood, blood, blood!

Blood, blood, blood, blood,

blood, blood, blood
blood, blood, blood, blood!

Sorry your step dad left.

Sorry your step dad came back.

You having
the same memories as me?

Yeah, that toilet thing
was amazing.

Thanks.

I love you, Wolf.
- What?

Huh?

The hell is this?

They've learned friendship is
more important than fighting,

and isn't that
the kind of story we need

in these
deeply polarized times?

- Boo!
- Quiet, Tapper!

- Get out of here!
- No!

- No!
- You made me mad!

And one more thing,
you PBR swilling renters,

Bernie Sanders
will never be president!

- Let's get 'em!
- Ah, get 'em!

- You ready to do this?
- Let's bust some heads.

Wow, getting punched
really hurts.

So alphas
have to do this all the time?

Yep, look at
my Google Calendar,

and those are
just my scheduled fights.

Doesn't include
getting jumped unexpectedly.

Here, I'm not a Kn*fe guy.

I think I'll just go back
to being a total sweetie.

I love you, Wolf.

- What?
- Huh?

Mom, Dad,
what are you doing here?

Your mother and I
got in a bar fight.

You?
- School fight.

Doctor said
I might be concussed.

Dunkie, oh, my God,
did you rip

your new Jessica Simpsons?
That's it.

As soon as we're discharged,
we're going pant shopping.

No!

Oh, stop being so dramatic.

Ugh.

Okay, since you sold
all your clothes,

we're gonna get you something
actually cool this time.

The Craig T. Nelson line.

This shirt
has a built-in girdle!

I'm done.

Here, Dunkie,
these will look darling on you.

Go try them on.

I'm not going
in those dressing rooms.

I told you, German pervs
hide cameras in there.

Come on, Craig T.

Help me like my body.

Mein Gott!
Chubby papa!

Ich bin ein so horny!