03x05 - Annie v. Fun

[bunniefuu]

Ooh!

- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

- My birthday is coming,
coming is my birthday!

- But if the faulty gas line
runs directly below our house?

- That's right, Jack.
Ka-bloom.

- When is it my birthday?
"Soon, soon," says the owl.

- Hey, Jing, would you like
to talk about your birthday?

- Yes, yes, it's coming!

- Okay, little one.

This Saturday is all about you.

What would you like to do?

- What I always do.

Get five Princess Jasmines
and watch them brush ponies

in the backyard
with good friends and family.

- I don't see any reason
our house couldn't host

a children's party,
I'll fire up the grill.

- Yay!

- Hi, Sally,
it's Jing's birthday again.

No, they don't
grow up that fast.

Anyway, you know the drill,
five princesses,

five ponies,
but don't send Sugar Cube.

He's a biter,
and he's not welcome here.

- Oh, I can't do another one
of those baby pony parties.

Sugar Cube took a chunk
out of my ass.

- Oh, but that princess party
makes Jing so happy.

And us so miserable.
Let's k*ll it.

- So my party will be a mix
of you guys and school friends.

Don't worry,
they're cool, they're cool.

Oh, hey there, Jing.

Heard you're turning
the big 0-5.

- That's right,
and you're both invited

to my princess-pony party.
Yay!

- Princess pony?
We got here just in time.

Jing, your fifth birthday
basically defines what people

think of you
for the rest of your life.

The stakes could not be higher.

- My fifth birthday
was so embarrassing,

my reputation
never fully recovered.

- What's a reputation?

- It's what people think of you
when your fifth birthday

is at a stupid
butterfly sanctuary

and they're all still
in their cocoons

and everyone calls you a liar.

- Well, I'm doing
a princess pony party,

and it's going to be fire.

- Oh, hey, Kimberly,
I just thought of a great place

Jing could have her party

and be the coolest kid
in kindergarten.

- Oh, show us this magical place

that's perfect
for kids Jing's age.

- Teen Zone,
Teen Zone, Teen Zone.

You want to play games until
your hands bleed? Teen Zone.

You want to feel the sensation
of falling to your death?

Teen Zone.

You want to simulate w*r?
Teen Zone.

Cake's for babies,
pizzas for teens.

You rock, Teen Zone!

- Teen Zone, where teens go in.

- Holy freaking crap.

Listen up.

k*ll the princesses
and free the ponies...

I'm having my party
at Teen Zone,

Teen Zone, Teen Zone!

- Okay, Duncan and Kimberly,
I need your help setting up.

- You got it, Mom.
- Whatever you need.

- Yeah! Bye, Mom!

- All right, Jack,
I guess it's just you and me.

- Don't worry, honey,
you can count on

Gary W. Tallent's
Bass Guitar Hero?

- Excuse me, ma'am,
you're not allowed

to bring in outside plates
and utensils.

You have to buy ours.

- They're so limp.

- Oh, yeah,
they won't hold anything.

Gonna have to double up.
I'll add it to your party tab.

- Oh, fine.

It's just a
little gouging, Annie.

Just a little gouging.

- All right, Jack.
Time to shred some bass.

- One, two, three four.

- Combo.

Holy cannoli,
I need that ravioli.

I love this creep.

- Jing, let me get a picture
of you and your crew.

- Sorry, ma'am, you have
to use our funtographer.

That's what we call
our photographer.

- Well, it says prints
and refrigerator magnets

are available for $40.

Magnets for everyone!

Just a little more gouging.

Gouging, gouging, gouging.

- Hey, Wolf.
You're amazing at this game.

- Not playing yet. No tokens.

Hold on, I've got a hack.

Want a ride?

- Oh, my God, yes.

I mean, I'll chop all day.

- Next stop, Barstow.

- Majestic, simply majestic.

- Oh, yeah,
totally worth the wedgie.

Wow, that is in there.
- Mia, that was amazing.

You were like
a "Mission: Impossible" movie,

but I understood
what was going on.

- Thanks. Have you ever done
indoor skydiving?

- Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, I love dancing with wind,
as we divers say.

- Oof.

Whoa!

- Steady yourself.
Use your surface area.

- Ahh! Wind, spare me!

- You got to stabilize so you
don't get nauseous and...

- Oh damn, boy.

- Ah, disgusting,
simply disgusting.

- Uhh, there's the wedgie.

Oh, my God, it's so deep.

- For the love of God,
shut it down.

- Sorry, this is
the Extreme Zone.

He's got to ride it out.

He your husband?

- Hey, you're Duncan's friend.
How long have you worked here?

You will not address me
as Duncan's friend;

you will address me
as General Zapblood.

And I started yesterday.
How am I doing?

- Very well,
General Zapblood, sir.

- Listen up, maggots.

This is your laser r*fle.

There are many like it,
but this one is yours.

Also, please see me if
your laser r*fle does not work.

And remember,
if you choose to sh**t

over walls,
everyone will hate you.

- Can I sh**t over the walls?

- Of course!
Happy birthday, baby Jing.

- Before we open
the laser arena and make your

kids' wildest dreams come true,
please sign this funtract.

- That's what we call contracts.

- Anything for our baby.

My Bic!

- Hold up.
What is a laser recharge fee?

- It's an additional $2
per player fee

to recharge the lasers.

- Recharge the lasers?

You mean plug them in?
That costs more?

- Oh, the rising cost
of electricity.

Bic, please.
- Uh-uh.

The package I chose
clearly stated $15 per kid.

You are in breach of funtract.
- Yeah, that's how we do it.

- Oh, it's because
that's how they do it, babe.

- So the fee includes
the lasers,

but not the electricity?

That's ludicrous...
That's like if Teen Zone

had a pool and I had to pay
extra to use the water.

- We don't have a pool.

- Okay, it looks like we're all

on the same page.
Let's sign.

- We're honest,
hardworking people,

just like all
the other parents in here,

and you've done nothing
but gouge us all day.

Using the bathroom
cost me four tokens!

- Well, that's
kind of like a fun game,

if you think about it,
you have to hit a target.

Ahh.

- Rescind this absurd charge
or I will

post a negative review
on Screech

that'll make other customers
think twice.

- No fee, no laser tag.
Screech away.

- Ya just got Screeched, and
I'm not signing nothing.

Ugh!

- You just played that game,
that'll be two tokens.

- Hold on to me,
I'm going off road.

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna
touch Wolf's torso.

- Good news, Kimberly,
we're taking a moral stand.

- No!

- Now, get in there,
and may God have mercy

on your adorable little souls.

- What the...

- Sorry, everyone,
I would love for all

of you to live out every
kid's fantasy of going to w*r,

but this is a matter
of principle.

We have to leave right now.

- The good news is,

we can have parking lot cake
on our plates.

- You got lucky, lady.

- You ruined my birthday, Mommy.

And don't think 'cause I'm five
I'm gonna forget this.

I can feel it moving
into my long term memory.

- I would have
gotten torso, Mom,

if you weren't
such a cheapskate.

Torso!

- And if you didn't force
your five year old

to have a teen party,
I wouldn't be

humiliated and caked
in my own yak.

Ugh! My own yak!

- Awooga!
My menopause just meno-resumed.

- I'm sorry they're upset, Jack,

but it's just the principle.

- Don't let them
get to you, honey.

You are a strong woman
who fights for her beliefs

even if those beliefs
cause resentment

that will last a lifetime.

But the kids are watching
through the window,

so I'm going to look angry
and slam the door.

Love you!

Mom sucks.

Why can't I be
a lovable coward like Jack?

Oh, God, Bradley's mom.
Now I'm gonna hear it from her.

- Hi, Patricia.

I know, I made a scene
over the laser recharge fee.

And thank you.

- I saw your post, and it's
about time someone stood up

to the thieves
at that hell palace.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's the principle.

It's like going to the pool
and paying extra for the water.

- That's what I told her!
- You actually said that?

- Of course,
how else could one put it?

- You know, there's a group
of us on Screech

that casually meet
and angrily vent

about local businesses
every Wednesday.

You should join us.

- I'd love to.

I'll even supply refreshments...
No hidden fees.

- Seriously, though.

You need to say up front
if you're

charging us for anything.

- Of course. Of course, yes.

- Ahh, Mondays.

The day we forget everything
that happened over the weekend.

- We'll never forget.

It's in our
long term memory now.

- Jing, look!

I'm giving you
the evil eye over here.

All right, kids.

That's enough
about Jing's party.

Oh, Jing, I moved your seat.

You're sitting with
head lice kid and leash boy.

Not too close, loser.

Look, up in the sky.

It's a bird, it's a...
Ah, to hell with it,

it's Duncan Ralphie.

- Barf Vader.
Puke, I am your father.

- Come on, kids.
Seriously, keep going.

- And the bright side is,
I got hazard pay

for disinfecting
the skydiving machine.

What did you eat?

- Okay, ha-ha.

That thirty straight minutes
of humiliation could

have happened to anyone.
I've moved on.

- Mr. Mitch, yesterday,
you were discussing

something called math?

- Okay, good idea.

Kids, today we're going
to learn to calculate velocity

by using this
simple tabletop fan.

- Ahh... the wind,
it's happening again.

Save yourselves!
The vortex of death is upon us!

He's still traumatized!

- Mia, carry Duncan out

so we can continue laughing
guilt free.

- They're not laughing at me,
are they?

- Of course not.
High school is a safe space.

- Mia, can you keep a secret?

I'm not over
the skydiving thing.

- Duncan, are you familiar

with cognitive behavioral
therapy?

- Uh, refresh me.

- The only way to get over
your fear is to face your fear.

It's how I'm able
to be in the same room

as my grandma's porcelain dolls.

We have to go back
to Teen Zone and...

Okay, okay.

We'll get that cleaned up,

but you need to go back
in that skydiving machine

and heal your trauma
by confronting your phobia.

- Can't we do it in baby steps,
like you point a hairdryer

in my face, and the next day,
you turn it on?

- Duncan, no.

I watched a whole TikTok
about this.

You're gonna meet me there
today at 4:00 before dinner,

and you're gonna
make that machine ya bitch.

- Hey, Dunc, we're sorry for...
What did you eat, man?

- Thank you, Mr. Mitch,
for that soulful complaint.

Okay, fellow Screechers

We have a real treat today.

She burst
onto the complaining scene

with her blistering takedown
of Teen Zone.

I think she's got a real future
in bitching and moaning.

Give it up for Annie Harris!

- It's so nice to meet
such a lovely group

of fed-up people.

My only complaint is that
it didn't happen sooner.

Aww.

- Enough chit-chat.

We're all here,
because we're tired

of being gouged by Teen Zone.

- Screech, sister, screech!

- Yeah, I went there for my
nephew's first Communion.

The eggplant parm was for crap.

- Yeah, and they charged me
5,000 tickets

for this expired pack
of Jolly Ranchers.

Ugh! Ew!

- The air hockey table
had no air.

I had a hot flash,
and it did nothing.

- Teen Zone's Screech page is
littered with our complaints,

and they haven't
done a damn thing.

It's time
to take the fight to them.

- Whoa, whoa, Annie.
You mean, like, offline?

But we're anonymous curmudgeons.

- Not anymore.

You just haven't had
a charismatic leader like me.

No offence, Patricia, I'm
just trying to whip them up.

- Well, it's working.

I say we write
a strongly worded letter

and slip it
under the friggin' door.

- I heard petitions pack a pow.

We wouldn't use our real names,
of course.

Somebody could get mad.

- Come on, people.
We need a big idea!

What's the wildest thing
you can think of?

- I've got it,
back down and face reality.

- Hey, honey.

- Are you Jack?

I told you, on school grounds,
you're my Uber driver.

- How was your day?

- Well, Claire Heimliched
some guy who was choking,

so now I'm officially the only
girl who hasn't gotten torso.

Thanks, Mom.

- I'm sorry, honey,
your mom just has this set

of principles that,
to be honest, I wish I had.

Cuttin' the line.

What's with the
"Children of the Corn"?

- They're all mad
about my party.

- It wasn't my fault,
it was my wife!

- You were complicit.

- Let's go home, Daddy.

There's nothing you can do
to make this better.

- That is one sad
little bambina.

- Mm... mm!

- Actually,
there is one thing I can do.

Birthday party
do-over at Teen Zone!

- What about Mom?

- Don't make me overthink this.
You know I'll fold.

Everyone, pile in the truck.

Yay!

- Even me?

Even you, head lice kid.

Gah!

- Uh-huh.

Prank deliver pizzas
to the place that already

serves pizzas, that's some
real Antifa stuff there, Helen.

- Well, at least I'm pitching.

- Ooh, I know...
We grab a lighter,

stuff a rag
in a bottle of alcohol...

- I'm listening.

- Then wipe the specials
off their menu board

and raise our lighters
in triumph.

- I like it!
- Diabolical.

- Genius, Mr. Mitch.

- I pitched that 30 minutes ago.

- I'll help you
destroy Teen Zone.

But we have to do it today
by 4:00 p.m.

- Duncan, you ruined
Patricia's wallpaper.

- I'm sorry,
who the hell is Duncan?

- I'm the cure,
and Teen Zone's the cancer.

And I'm the cure.

Nothing gets a business
shut down faster than this.

- We're in.

- I'm sorry, I couldn't see.
What is it?

- Ugh, it's rats.

- We're in.

- And if you just sign here,

you're good to go for laser tag.

- Laser recharge fee?

Hell yeah, I'm paying that.
Whoo!

And I'm gonna pay
the $3 per slice

cake cutting fee and fund
the employee health plan.

- Thanks.

Teen Zone depends
on gutless Dads like you.

- Gouge me any time, Maddie.

- All right, all right,
you know the drill from when

you were disappointed here
mere days ago.

General Zapblood. Maggot.
k*ll, k*ll, k*ll. Go!

- Thanks for going
behind Mommy's back, Daddy.

Get some! Ah!

- Mm?

- Must have flooded it.

- Token me, Dad,
I'm getting some torso today.

- I still don't know
what that means,

but I want all
of my children happy.

- Get some!

- All right, here's the plan.
We walk in, we let the rats go.

The evil empire
that is Teen Zone falls,

and no innocent family is ever
taken advantage of again.

- I'm gonna be honest
with you all.

I just wanted a ride
to Teen Zone.

I love their cheese fries.
Get some!

- I hope you choke
on those fries, you traitor.

- Let's go,
these rats smell like crap.

We got to take this
place down... by 4 p.m.

Heavy bottom. Double pluck.

Panty power-up.

- Aw, yeah!

Going home
with a crazy groupie tonight!

- Jack!
- Ah!

- What are you doing here?

- It's not what it looks like.

I'm just redoing Jing's party

against your
deepest wishes, God!

- Hey, "wind walker."
- Mia! it's not 4 p.m. yet.

- I got here early
so I could set up

the livestream so every kid
in town can watch.

That's how much
I believe in you.

- Rat the place, Mom.

- How could you do this, Jack?

I thought we were
on the same page.

And you're here paying extra
for the water in the pool!

- It's a clunky metaphor, Annie.

Look, you were right
to stand up to this place,

but if we took on every company
that exploits our love

for our children,
what are we left with?

Entertaining them ourselves?

You want me
to saw you in half, Annie,

'cause that's
where this is heading!

Principles are great,
but are they going to put

a smile like that
on our kids' face?

- Blast, blast!
- Die slow, Bradley!

- Aww.

Support my daughter,
release the rats.

Support my daughter,
release the rats.

Why is this so hard, Jack?
- I don't know.

Honestly, it seems
pretty clear cut.

- Now, that was
a laser-pocalypse!

Put your sticky little hands
together for Jing!

Jing! Jing! Jing!
Jing! Jing! Jing!

- Attention, Jing party of ten.

Re-recharge those lasers
and break out the crap pizza.

You're staying here all night!
Ugh!

Actually, we close at 6:00.

- You close at what time,
you money grubbing leeches?

- I mean, I could stay
until, like, 7:30, I guess.

- That's all night
to a five-year-old.

I love you, Mommy.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.

- Sweet moment, Annie.

But we came for blood.
Small business blood.

- I know your pain,
I know your hurt,

but you need to go home now.

You're very special,
we love you,

but go home
and go home in peace.

- Like hell, Annie!

You got us offline and riled up!

- Come on, rats. Damn!

- Okay, Kimberly, torso time.

Ah!

- Oh, no, no...
I'm not ready, you monster!

- Of course you are.

I'll be right there holding
your hand, and if you throw up,

I'll be right there
holding your hair.

- I'm doing it!
I'm the greatest skydiver ever!

I had nothing to be afraid of.

Ah! Rat-nado!

He's gonna be
even more traumatized.

Grandma, will you make me a rat
costume for school tomorrow?

- Way ahead of you, dear.

- Tired of lame arcades with

just games, rides and prizes?

- I wish there was a place
with something cool, like rats.

- Teen Zone, Teen Zone,
Teen Zone.

Now with rats!

Rat-ical.

- They've got rabies, baby.

- We survived Rat-nado.
- Can you?

Where teens and rats go in!

Rats are an additional charge.

- It was worth it
for the free tokens.

- Totally. Let's go downtown
and bite people.

Get some.