01x04 - No Lies

[bunniefuu]

For f*ck's sake!

How can we be late again?

It's unbelievable!

We should win some sort of award.

We'd miss the ceremony. Hey, hurry up.

Luke, telly off. Come on, coat on.

I don't want to go school.

"To" school. Yes, you do.

And even if you don't, tough tits.

Tariq said there's no Father Christmas.

Shh, Michael's still asleep.

All right, Ally.

He's not a baby. He can wake up.

Tariq said you two buy
the presents, hide them,

and then put them under
the tree while I'm asleep.

Oh, well, maybe Tariq knows something...

Tariq is a tiny idiot.

Of course there's a Father Christmas.

Is that true, Daddy?

- Uh...
- Hey look, just go and...

Go and brush your teeth now,
all of them.

He hasn't brushed...

I've just put his coat on,
did you not see?

Shh. Go.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Come on, he's only seven.

Don't sh*t on his dreams just yet.
Wait till he's eight.

I'm just not comfortable lying.

- Since when?
- Since forever.

How can you not know that about me?

What, sorry, are you saying
that you've never lied before?

Not about anything important,
to anyone important.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

"Hello, my name's Paul."

Hi, it's Paul. I'm sorry,

I won't be able to come in today,

I'm afraid, because...
Because there's been a...

There's been a death in the family.

- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- It's my girlfriend's dad.

- [GASPS]
- Called, yeah, Michael.

It is a shock. We were very close.

I'm so sorry.

- [LAUGHING]
- Hey! Thank you. Bye.

I will f*ck you up.

- No, you won't.
- I will.

Please don't... [LAUGHS]

Open wide.

- [EXHALES]
- Oh, lovely. Mwah.

- Love you, chooch. Love you, poop.
- Bye!

- Bye, Mum.
- Love you, bye.

Bye.

- Don't slam the...
- [DOOR SLAMS]

I don't know why you're all whispering.

I'm not asleep.

Why don't I make us pancakes?

Because I've got a job,

and in this country we only
have pancakes once a year.

It's something to do with using up eggs

and the crucifixion.

Bye.

- Weird.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Off to meet the Europe money guys.

Tie, or no tie?

I mean, does it make
me look a bit jowly,

- or does it add a bit of formal heft?
- What?

I wish you'd come to this meeting, Ally.

These guys love you. Hmm?

Everyone wants a piece of Ally,
me included.

- Your... talents.
- So it's all looking good?

Well, fingers crossed,
those shares of yours

will be worth gazillions soon.

Today Europe, tomorrow
more of Europe, and...

who knows about the day after tomorrow?

Isn't that a film about the apocalypse?

Right, it is, yeah. Yeah, bleak.

Oh, God, imagine that, though,

a studio in Paris or Rome.

More likely to be Berlin, but yes.

Oh, well, Berlin's exciting.
I'm not sure why.

It's... that's very hip, isn't it,
and lots of clubs and stuff.

It's the city of the future,
"Blade Runner," Bowie.

I love Bowie. [CHUCKLES]

♪ Little drummer boy ♪

And the edgier stuff.

I couldn't live out there,
Darren, you know that,

so don't ask.

I'm not going to ask that...

yet.

♪♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Good day?
- Dunno.

No, it's a tricky question,
that, isn't it?

- Any trouble with Tariq?
- Dunno.

Well, I had a great day,
thanks for asking.

Saw a dog riding a motorbike.

- Did you?
- No.

Be good if I did, though, wouldn't it?

It would make life worth living.

Grandad Michael saw a dancing bear once.

Of course he did.

Is Grandad Michael staying forever?

[LAUGHS] Not a chance.

- I like having him in the house.
- Yeah, me too.

I love hearing him
knocking around downstairs

24 hours a day,

playing The Lovin' Spoonful
and clearing his throat.

Hey, there he is.

- Hey, Grandad Michael!
- Hey, buddy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are you moving on? Have
you found somewhere?

- Well...
- Penthouse or flophouse?

Hang on, this is my stuff.

Yeah, sorry,
this is off to the junkyard.

Ally's on a decluttering rampage.

But I assure you, Paul,

I am this close to finding my own place.

You didn't make a gesture
to show how close...

Michael? Michael?

Excuse me, Ally?

I bought this for my Auntie Jan

on our first foreign holiday.

She d*ed before I
could even give it to her.

Well, she probably won't miss it, then.

Do I get to decide what I can keep?

- Yeah, if you apply my simple criteria.
- Which are?

If you don't like it or use it,
then bin it.

That is most of the stuff I own.

Luke's babygrow.

This is the first thing that
touched his newborn skin.

It was one of the first things.

It was from a 12-pack from Mothercare.

Just let it go. It's just stuff.

I can't bear stuff.

Ideally, I'd only have what
fitted in a small suitcase.

Why? Where are you going?

Stuff's nice. It's memories and context.

We've got no room.
We're surrounded by crap,

like we're on a
documentary about hoarders

who keep their turds in Tupperware.

You're not getting rid of Dr. Flump?

No.

I'm getting buried with Dr. Flump,

and a phone just in case.

♪♪

Oh, why are you wearing my pajamas?

The same reason I run the taps

every time I do a sh*t now,

because there's a man
I don't know that well

living in my house.

Oh, I like it.

Hmm, no, sorry, I can't, I can't.

Not when Michael's downstairs.

What, not even in the
bathroom with the taps on?

Mm-mm.

- Are we okay?
- Yeah.

- Aren't we?
- Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. It's only because Michael's here.

He's out on Saturday night
if you want to pencil one in.

Great.

Is he actually looking for a place?

Mm-hmm.

Ooh.

"Three young professional girls
looking for a housemate."

I am not thinking of it at all sexually.

It would just be fun.
Nights in drinking Prosecco.

I think that one is more you.

"Live-in carer for house-bound widower."

You know,
I'd probably still drink Prosecco.

More for me if the guy's
on medication, right?

Look, I don't want to put a downer
on your Prosecco lifestyle,

but how the f*ck are you
going to pay the rent?

I'm doing some Reiki massage
at the health center.

Right. Are you qualified?

- I have a certificate.
- From where?

The Reiki Institute.

Reiki Barn.

Yeah, whatever, it's...
it's trimmed in gold.

It's got a little wax seal.

Wow, well, then, you're...
You're clearly a doctor.

Yeah, more or less.

Ooh, "Houseboat to share.

No questions asked."

Kind of vague, isn't it?

♪♪

- Hey...
- Hmm?

You know how you
like to throw everything

up in the air and sort of f*ck it off?

- Since when?
- Always.

Your music training,
your last relationship.

If things aren't right, I move on.

Are you saying things aren't right
and you want to move on?

Oh, my God.

I want to move on with you
and the kids, you idiot,

to a bigger house.

- Bigger? Really?
- Mm-hmm.

We need separate rooms for Luke and Ava,

less lethal stairs so
the Social Services

don't come to knacker us again.

A garden with a shed at the bottom of it

to put Michael in so
I can sh*t in peace.

Well, he's not going to
be here forever, is he?

I think we should downsize if anything.

Really? What, no.

I'm going to go through
the mortgage stuff tomorrow

and do some sums.
Do you know where it is?

No. On a pile somewhere.

I don't want to move.

Great. Well, that's that, then.

♪♪

Okay, so what are we looking for?

Christmas presents.

You do realize it isn't Christmas?

Tariq says sometimes
you can still find them.

I don't want to.

It's best just to go with the flow, Ava.

What's a flow?

It's what everybody else wants to do.

- Yes.
- And then when they're not looking,

you just do your own thing.

[LAUGHS]

♪♪

Grandpa Michael, I've found a present!

Okay.

What is it?

Oh, that's... that's
your mum's wedding album.

♪♪

Oh-ho, look how gorgeous I am.

That was a great suit.

Ozwald Boateng, I loved that suit.

And there's younger, sexier Grandma

and your mum and Liam.

Where's Daddy?

Oh, this was a
billion years before Paul.

This was the Liam epoch.

He was a huge dumbass.

But he meant well,

and he had a lot of idiot energy.

He smashed four 8K peaks
before his 25th birthday.

♪♪

What? Bloody hell, Ava!

All my baby toys have come back.

You need to clear up,
or the messy police

will come and put you in messy prison.

I want to go to messy prison.

No, messy prison is disgusting.

The pillows are made of plug hair

and breakfast is ear wax on toast.

Oh! You clever little girl.

I was looking for those.

Why is his hair wet?

Was it raining?

No, that's self-inflicted.
He was addicted to hair gel.

Hi, I'm not staying.

Hang on, why is that out?

- That should be in the cupboard.
- Mum!

I see your wedding
album escaped the big cull.

Yeah, well, they're the only
photos of you and mum

not scowling like chimps.

Why are you married to that man?

He was just practice for the real thing,

which is Daddy.

Do you love that man or Daddy?

Daddy, of course.

People fall out of
love with other people,

just happens.

Will you fall out of love with me?

Oh, no, no, no,
it's not the same with children.

Will you fall out of love with Daddy?

- No.
- You never will? Promise?

I promise I will never ever

ever fall out of love with Daddy, okay?

Though, of course,
as greasy Liam can attest,

there are no absolutes
when it comes to love.

Thank you for dinner. Lovely.

You barely ate anything.

I had the soup.

How do you think I stay so trim?

No solid food after 6:00 p. m.

It's very hard to keep the
weight off after babies.

I ballooned with you,

almost burst me in two, coming out.

I'm so sorry. It wasn't deliberate.

Any baby plans, you and lovely Liam?

No. No, I mean, he means well,

but I just don't love him.

Right.

Can it be papered over with sex,
or is it divorce time?

No, we've tried fixing it,
but it just keeps breaking down,

so I think we need to
send this one to landfill.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, excuse me.

I need to go look at a place.

Er... to live in,
not just a random place.

But I've got to work.
I thought you were babysitting.

Oh, I thought that
was just a soft pencil.

Did we firm the pencil?

Yes, we did, during
the conversation that went,

"If you let me stay,
I will babysit whenever you want."

Yeah, okay, okay, I can cancel.

No, just go. You need a place.

I'll ask Jim and Jackie.

Yeah, you can always
count on those guys.

Yes, you can.

- Bye, Grandpa Michael.
- Bye, Luke.

[SIGHS]

♪♪

[BUZZER RINGS]

♪♪

Thanks for coming, wingman.

[CHUCKLES]

I've never really understood
what "wingman" meant.

- Is it a prison thing?
- I don't know.

Has Ally mentioned anything to you

about selling-up, you know,
moving, mortgages?

She doesn't really come
to me for life advice.

Life is not my strongest suit.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Mark?
- Michael.

Okay, well, I've got Mark
written down here.

Er, are you Mark?

No, I'm Paul, and he's Michael.

Well, I've got Mark written down.

Do you know what, let's go in anyway.

Jesus.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[MUSIC THUMPING FAINTLY]

[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING]

This is good. Not... not too showy.

[DOG BARKS]

Is this a halfway house?

It can be anything you want, Mark.

Sort of a blank slate.

So this is £150 a week, plus bills.

Uh, is there any room to maneuver?

Um, you could shove
that bed an inch to the wall.

- That might work.
- No, I mean on the money.

My budget is like £100.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's... that's a bit unlikely
within the M25.

Look, maybe we could do a deal.

I could talk to the
landlords. £125 maybe?

Do you like the place?

I love it.

[BUZZER RINGS]

Okay, Nana and Grandad are here.

If Nana and Grandad
are Daddy's mum and dad,

who are Liam's mum and dad?

Do you know what?

It's best just not to
mention Liam any more.

- I have to tell a lie?
- No, just don't say it.

- What if they ask me?
- They won't though, will they?

"Oh, hello, Luke, was your mummy
married to someone else?"

Then I say "no"?

No, no,
I'm saying they won't mention it.

It won't come up.

- Cooee!
- Oh.

Coming, sorry.

Hi. Thanks so much for
helping out last minute.

That's what we do.

We're the fourth emergency service.

Police, fire, ambulance, Jim and Jackie.

What about the coastguard?

f*ck the coastguard. Show-offs!

- You go, love.
- Thanks.

- We'll see you later.
- Bye.

Hi, Nana and Grandad.

I've got a thing I can't say.

Ooh, what is it? Is it a swear word?

- Is it "tits"?
- Jim!

Not "fanny," is it?

Because that used to be a woman's name.

Mummy's married to another man.

♪♪

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Who's that? What you got?

What have you got?

Daddy, I had two ice creams!

Two ice creams? What a lucky girl.

She wanted two.

Oh, well, you never got
me two ice creams.

No, well, you were horrible.
Ava's lovely.

- Oh!
- I'm joking.

You didn't like ice cream.

- It gave you headaches.
- Not true.

Ava, I'll give you 50p

if you can count all
the ants by that tree.

Go on, do it, do it. Get that 50p.

Sit down.

Your father's got something to tell you.

What? Jesus. Which one of you?

It's not cancer. It's Ally.

There's something you should know.

What?

Were you aware of this other guy?

No, what other guy?

He looks like a polished bollock.

Luke found the wedding album.

Liam.

Him? I don't care about that.

- Really?
- No.

Is that why Ally won't marry you?

Because of this "Liam"?

Ally won't not marry me.

But she married this "Liam."

Stop saying his name in inverted commas.

A white wedding in a church,

- flower girls and pageboys.
- I'm not...

I'm not bothered about marriage, Mum.

You proposed once, though, didn't you?

Said to me, "This is the woman
I'm going to marry."

And maybe she's still married.

That's why she can't marry you.

No, we don't want to get married, okay?

It's just a piece of paper.

Now, Ally and Liam had the paper,

but me and Ally have the kids.

And kids b*at paper in
"Kids, Paper, Scissors."

Although scissors b*at
kids if they run with them.

You know it's not a real game?

♪♪

Right, go on then, you two.

If you're in the bath in two minutes,

you can watch funny dogs on YouTube.

- BOTH: Yay!
- Yay!

- Ooh, got a drop of that wine going?
- Wait for me, wait for me!

When were you planning on telling me

that you f*cking re-mortgaged
the f*cking house?

- Right...
- Right?

I did release some equity...

- ... on the property.
- You went behind my back.

"I never lie, how do you
not know that about me?"

You're a f*cking liar!

I didn't want to bother you.
You'd just had Ava.

You had a lot on your plate.

You're allergic to admin.

Bullshit! What is this really about?

Are you f*cking gaslighting me?

I... look,

I didn't say anything because
you never said anything,

but when Ava was tiny,

you weren't coping very well.

You'd just gone freelance,

so we didn't have any maternity cover.

I wanted to hire
a maternity nurse, right,

but she cost a b*mb,
so I took some time off.

What the f*ck are you trying to say?

That we needed the money because
you had postnatal depression.

How f*ck... f*ck you!

I did not have postnatal depression.

Name one thing, one thing
that would make you think that.

- [BABY CRYING]
- Shh, shh, shh.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

- Hey. Ally?
- No, I'm done.

- Ally, no...
- Let me go. Let me go!

[BABY CRYING]

Is Ava from Ava Gardner?

Was it Ava Braun or Eva Braun?

[BABY CRYING]

See, you can't! How dare you?

f*ck you. Seriously, f*ck you!

[DOOR OPENS, SLAMS]

Okay. It feels weird
that I heard all that.

Do you want any pancakes?

♪♪

Ow! f*ck's sake!

So, who's your new man?

How do you know if I've
got a new man or not?

Because you have a glow,

- almost invisible, but there.
- [CHUCKLES]

Who is he?

Just a guy. Paul.

He's a really, really good guy.

He's not flash or cool, but...

he's honest, solid, reliable.

We're very different, you and I.

I've f*cked things, haven't I?

Things have been thoroughly
f*cked, by you, yes.

[LAUGHS]

Should I talk to Ally?

[LAUGHS] About what?

Her favorite Bond? Her hobbies?

Because you should probably
cover some of the basics

before you move on to the chat
about postnatal depression.

I accept that.

I've missed a lot of Ally's life.

She calls me Michael, not Dad.

Like I'm just some guy,
some generalized Michael.

Yeah. I know that's tough.

So this has been a golden time,

being here with you guys,

playing dad and grandpa
and skulking around the den

and making use of
your excellent facilities.

Well, then, you should probably stay,

for a bit.

Get a job so you can find
a decent place to live.

- I would love that.
- Don't take the piss,

though, Michael.

Let's say three weeks tops.

- I'm going to call Ally.
- Good luck.

Be firm, but utterly abject.

♪♪

- Hi. Thanks for meeting me.
- [PHONE CHIMING]

I need to get pissed, but I don't
want to sit on my own like an alkie.

- _
- Happy to be a plus one.

Oh, f*ck's sake.

Everything all right?

I've been thinking about...

About what you said about us.

Really? Oh, okay, well, wow. Really?

No, no, I mean me being a shareholder

in the business, Berlin, all that.

You wouldn't want
me if I was some sort of

mental liability, would you?

- No.
- No, like for instance,

- after I had Ava.
- Right.

Yeah, because I came back to work

when Ava was eight weeks
old and I couldn't...

I couldn't have done that if
I had postnatal depression, could I?

- No, no.
- No.

Of course not.

You know she's going to
be eight weeks tomorrow?

Oh, my God,
it's so lovely to be back at work.

- [PHONE CHIMING]
- Can you shut the f*ck up!

Shut the f*ck up! It's
my breastfeeding app.

It keeps going ping,
ping, ping, ping, ping!

I'm trying to wean her off
my boobs and onto formula.

Do you think she's going to be okay?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Because formula's like
basically dust, right,

and who... who would
feed their baby dust?

Sorry.

It's fine. I'm completely fine.

What are we doing?
What... what's the job?

Um...

♪♪

All right, love.

♪♪

Okay, which one are you?

Okay.

Er, what time do you call this?

Have you got any dr*gs, because
I need to smoke some dr*gs?

What makes you think I smoke dr*gs?

Yeah, well, as it happens,

I may have a small nugget of
medicinal red Leb on my person.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

♪♪

[EXHALING]

[ALLY COUGHING]

Oh, my God, dr*gs are so disappointing.

Now, listen, father hat on,
about the mortgage.

- The house business...
- How do you know about that?

I may have overheard.

You didn't run the
taps during that chat.

Paul has a point.

After Ava was born,
you were a little preoccupied.

But he's saying that I
had postnatal depression.

- You did.
- f*ck off!

No, I think it runs in the family.

Your mum had it too, with you.

[CHUCKLES]

When you came out,
you were this sweet troglodyte.

They used to put all the
babies in one big room

at the hospital in those days.

And Leah insisted they'd
swapped her real baby for you.

"This is not my baby!
Is this even a baby?"

Crying, lashing out.

This is strangely comforting.

Well, of course now
it's postnatal depression,

but back then,

you had to just shut up
and pretend to be happy.

Even if you had birthed a monster.

But Mum never told me.

Hmm, well, she probably
wanted to spare your feelings.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪♪

- God, she was so cute.
- Mm-hmm.

All I saw back then
was a fat Polish plumber

with a really flat head.

I tried to tell you that
rhombus-shaped skulls

run in our family.

Okay, let's just say for argument's sake

that I was a little bit...

- ...distracted...
- Mm-hmm.

Why couldn't you talk to me about it?

And say what?

"Oi, Ally, you leaking nut-job,

get a grip or I'll sell the house."

- Mm...
- [SIGHS] Sorry.

It's all right.

Mum and Dad saw your wedding album.

Ooh.

I tried to explain that marriage
isn't a big deal for us,

but you know how they are.

- It isn't a big deal.
- Hmm, absolutely,

but they were on about the
whole f*cking marrying thing.

You know, us getting married.

No, but you told them
that we weren't bothered,

we've got kids?

And... we're not bothered
about being married, are we?

Mm-mm.

Do you know what?

Actually, hang on.

I'm just going to take this one,

because I look really, really fit.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Love you.
- Love you.

Liam.

Greasy c**t married to my Ally.

I didn't see any of that.

♪♪

[DOOR CLOSES]