01x07 - No Exit

[bunniefuu]

‐ Yeah, great photos.

We do need
to get going, though, mate.

‐ This is Lenny
with a beefeater.

‐ Wicked.
‐ Oh, and here he is skiing.

‐ Wow, skiing.
‐ Look, Daddy.

This is when Lenny went
to Alton Towers.

‐ Ah.
‐ He was on a ride.

‐ All right.
‐ And this is when he went

to breakfast
with Mr. Tumble.

Look.
‐ Wow, Mr. Tumble.

‐ Sorry, Darren.
I'll call this evening

Is that okay?

‐ And this is Lenny

with Mo Farah
and Ed Sheeran.

‐ Hang on, hang on.

That's Madame Tussauds, Luke.
They're made of wax.

‐ Even Taylor Swift?

‐ Especially Taylor Swift.

‐ Great, thanks.
Yeah, no, it's, um...

it's Luke's thing.

One of the kids gets

the, uh, class teddy bear...
‐ Up. Come on.

‐ For half term,

and we have to record
its adventures.

Yeah, it's been going
since 2000.

The fucker's been everywhere.

We should have taken him
to Machu Picchu,

but he's been on the sofa
all week,

so now we are taking him

to the park for a photo.

‐ Honey, honey,
we need to, uh...

‐ All right, yeah, sorry.
Okay, I gotta go.

Um, yeah, I absolutely

will read the Berlin notes.

Cool.
Bye.

‐ Okay, how long
till we're ready?

‐ We are ready.
‐ Ready?

Kids' shoes?

‐ Look down, Paul.

Kids are already wearing
their shoes.

‐ How did I not notice
their shoes going on?

This is black ops.
‐ [laughs]

‐ Well, okay.
Let's go.

Got Lenny?
‐ Yeah.

‐ Fantastic.

Let's carry on
this golden efficiency.

‐ Oh, afternoon, all.

Hey, you off
anywhere nice?

Or not nice?

I've just done
a fat Waitrose.

‐ We're just going
to the park.

‐ Sorry, I have to get
one thing.

‐ All right, babe.
‐ Oh, a picnic,

or a kick‐about?

A playground?

Just a stroll?

‐ Oh, we're, um...
‐ Or Frisbee?

Do people still play Frisbee,

or just throw them for dogs?

‐ Actually, Carl,

this belonged
to Ally's late father.

I'm gonna propose with it
today.

‐ I see.

Nice.
Right.

Good luck.

‐ Paul!
‐ Thanks.

Excuse me.

Right, you two wait
in the hall, please.

Don't move.
Don't take off any clothes.

Yeah.

‐ We can't go.
‐ What?

Why?
Is there something wrong?

‐ Ava hasn't got Giraffe.

I can't remember seeing him
at all today.

‐ Oh, it'll be
under her pillow.

It always is.

Hi.

Yeah, um, uh...
bollocks.

I'm running a bit late.

Sorry about that.
Would you...

would you do me a favor

and just hang on...

No, I know,
but it'll be ten minutes, tops.

‐ Who are you talking to?

‐ Myself, like a loon.

‐ Have you got Giraffe?

‐ Uh, yeah, found him.
‐ Oh, fantastic.

‐ I'm just popping
for a wee.

Yeah, I'm...I'm aware
that there's an extra charge.

That's fine.

No, everything's fine.

Lovely.

Okay, we'll see you
very soon.

Thanks.

‐ Luke is such
a terrific baby.

His little face!
‐ I know.

‐ Ooh.
‐ He's a smasher, all right.

And I don't tend
to bandy that word about.

‐ No, I know you don't.
Steady on.

‐ Yeah, now you make sure
you look after Ally, yeah?

‐ Oh, I will.
Listen, you two.

I'm gonna ask Ally
to marry me.

‐ We've got no money
for a big do.

I've had to re‐felt
the shed roof.

‐ Shut up,
you miserable sod.

Paul, that's lovely news.

‐ Thanks, Mum.

‐ You got a ring?
‐ Yeah, I have.

Uh, here we are.

‐ Oh.

‐ A wooden ring?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Do they exist?

‐ Yeah, looks like it.

‐ It's very rustic.
‐ Mm.

Well, Ally'll like it.
It's birch.

Symbolizes growth
and renewal.

‐ They used to b*at sailors
with the birch.

‐ I know this isn't
the sort of family we are,

but I'd really love
some paternal approval now.

‐ Go on, Jim, give him
some paternal approval.

‐ I'll say what my dad said
to me

when I told him
about Jackie.

‐ Go on.
‐ He said,

"Are you sure you know
what you're doing?"

‐ Yes, I am, Dad.

‐ Fair enough, then.

Good man.

Making your own way.

I'm proud of you.

‐ Thanks, Dad.
Appreciate it.

‐ If we were different people,

I'd hug you,

but we're not, so I won't.

‐ Understood.

‐ Right, we're off to get
the bus.

See you tomorrow.

‐ Cheers.
Mum.

[low‐energy music]

‐ Aww.
‐ Wish me luck.

Ta‐ta, love.
‐ Yeah.

♪ ♪

[sighs] Oh, f*cking hell.

♪ ♪

Yes, this is
an emergency.

I don't have
to do what you say.

You're not even
the big shoebox.

Thank you.

Found it.
‐ Great.

‐ What are you doing?

‐ Putting a wash on.

‐ No, no, we agreed

not to start any new projects
till we got home.

‐ New projects?

I am washing
your underpants, Paul.

I'm not recording
a jazz fusion album.

‐ Washing leads to drying,
drying leads to folding,

and folding leads to...
the dark side.

Please don't push
that button.

‐ All right.

What the hell is that?

‐ Giraffe.
‐ That's not Giraffe.

That's backup Giraffe,
and we agreed

he was for emergency use only.

‐ Come on, Ally.
I've already been

through all this
with the shoebox.

‐ We can't just introduce
an imposter toy

unless we're absolutely sure
that the original is gone,

so look again.

‐ There's no time
to look again.

‐ What is the rush?

We'll get the bear picture.

‐ [laughs]
‐ Mummy.

Daddy.
‐ Yes, sweetheart?

‐ I need a poo.

‐ Christ!

‐ Go and have a poo, babe.

‐ [sighs]

[washer beeps]

[spacey music]

♪ ♪

‐ Yeah, I understand, mate.

We'll...we'll be getting there
as soon as we can.

It's, uh...Luke's
recently developed

this, um...well,
I guess you'd call it

a complex about sh*t...
uh, defecating,

and we need to be
really relaxed about it and...

Well, okay.
Well, I'll tell you,

why I'm telling you
all of this

is because I need you
to give me more time.

‐ Paul?

Can I have your phone?
He wants some music.

‐ Can't use yours?

‐ Well, you won't let me
on the Spotify account,

remember, 'cause I mess
with your algorithms.

‐ [sighs]
Right, okay, okay.

Uh, lovers rock playlist.
He likes that one.

‐ Try and be patient
with him, all right?

We don't want
to mess him up.

‐ Of course, yeah.

[music playing]

‐ Daddy?
‐ Jesus.

Yes, babe.
‐ Where's Giraffe?

‐ Hmm?
Giraffe?

Uh, Giraffe, Giraffe.

Giraffe, Giraf...

Ava, should we look
at some of your goats?

Shall we?
Come here, come here.

Look.

Where are they?

[goat screams]
There they are.

Ooh.

There they are.

‐ Luke won't be long.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ What is this?

‐ It's a YouTube video
of goats

screaming like humans.

For some reason,
it really chills her out.

‐ Hmm.

You should call your parents

and tell them
we're gonna be late.

‐ For what?

‐ I invited them to the park.
‐ Why?

‐ I thought it'd be nice
to have three generations

in the Lenny picture.

‐ For God's sake, why does he
always get

what he wants?
He's a bear.

‐ Just give them a call

and say we're gonna be late.

‐ [sighs]

[cell phone ringing]

Someone's calling me.

[goat screaming]

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Luke.

C‐can I come in, mate?

I need my phone out
to take that call.

‐ I'm not finished.

‐ No, I know,
but I really need

to take that call, Luke.

Look, mate, I know that you've
become a little bit nervous

about all this stuff,

but I've got to tell you, Luke,

everyone craps, okay?

The queen,
Vampire Weekend,

everyone.
[music playing on phone]

Oh, see, it's gone now.

I've missed that call.

You've got to let me in, son.

You need to let me in.

Open the f*cking door, Luke.

My God.

‐ Hi.

What do you think?
‐ Oh. [laughs]

I think he's everything
I've ever wanted.

Well, there is one more thing,
I suppose.

‐ Is that what I think it is?

‐ Yes, it is.

‐ Is that made of wood? ‐ Birch.

‐ Hmm.

‐ It symbolizes
growth and renewal.

‐ [laughs]

‐ Don't laugh.
‐ Sorry.

‐ What do you say?

‐ You really want this,
don't you?

‐ Yeah.
You, him, this.

Yes, I do.

‐ [sighs]
[baby fusses]

I want to tell you
what I want, Paul.

I want to not have stitches
in my perineum

and to drink
five gin and tonics,

and that is pretty much
my entire universe

for the foreseeable,
so let's not run

when one of us
literally can't walk, okay?

‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ [laughs]

‐ You have done it
once before.

‐ Yeah, no, and it was
the worst decision of my life,

and I swore
I'd never do it again, so...

‐ Well, that's a hard no, then.

[both laugh]

Okay.

‐ Hey, look.
We've got everything we need

right here.

‐ f*ck, he's perfect.

[gentle music]

Open the f*cking door, Luke.

‐ I can't get off the loo
because I'm still doing it.

‐ Mate, I'm gonna count
to three, right?

And then I'm coming
the f*ck in, right?

‐ Paul!
‐ What?

‐ You carry on, love.

What are you doing?
You know he needs silence.

‐ He's having a sh*t,
not defusing a b*mb.

‐ What has got into you today?

‐ Lenny.

‐ Lenny.
‐ The f*cking bear.

Every other parent,
every other family,

has managed to take him
somewhere exotic,

magical, and fun.

We've not even been able
to get out our f*cking house.

‐ Where's Giraffe?

[music playing]

‐ All right, stay calm.

I am, at this point,
prepared to smash the glass

on emergency Giraffe.

‐ Thank you.
Good.

♪ ♪

[goat screaming]

‐ Where's Giraffe?

‐ Here, I found him.

All good.

‐ Hey, thank you.

‐ Wait.
Her body might reject it,

like a liver transplant.

‐ Shh.

‐ Here's your phone.
Sorry.

‐ That's all right, mate.
That's fine.

Thank you very much.
Now, can I just check,

is everyone finally
ready to go?

‐ Yeah.
‐ Okay, fine.

Thank you.

Right, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Thank you.

‐ We are not going out
in that.

That is very big rain.

‐ Come on, not really.
It's five minutes' walk.

‐ Five minutes' swim.
Look at it.

No one's going anywhere.

‐ No, Ally, we need
to go to the park

because of the bear.

‐ Sod the bear.
The kids will get pneumonia.

‐ Right, fine.

Okay.

[thunder rolling]

[jaunty music]

♪ ♪

How about you just stop?

Just stop for a minute.

f*cking second,
you filthy bastard.

‐ Who's Daddy talking to?

‐ He is talking to the rain.

‐ Why?

‐ Because that is what
he has chosen

to care about today.

Christ, Lenny has really seen
some places, hasn't he?

Jamaica, Sydney, Mumbai,

Florence.

‐ Yeah, that bear's had
a better life than me.

‐ You can't be jealous
of a bear, Paul.

‐ He's lived
like f*cking Bono.

‐ Maybe, but he doesn't have
a penis.

‐ Who, Bono?

‐ Jealousy's a k*ller.
You know that?

[thunder rolls]

[door slams]
‐ Hey, hon.

‐ Hey.

‐ Some more death flowers
arrived.

‐ [sighs]
I am sick to death

of death flowers.

‐ [laughs]

Who are they from?

‐ No one in particular.

‐ What, are they anonymous
or something?

‐ Liam.
They're from Liam.

‐ That's weird.

Is it weird?

Man sends flowers
to dead ex‐father‐in‐law.

‐ Liam admired Michael,

even though Michael thought
he was a bit...

‐ Worthless preening sh*t?

‐ Dull.

‐ Can I see the card?
‐ Yeah.

‐ Thanks.
[sniffs]

"Out beyond ideas
of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

"there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

All my love, Liam."
What is that?

‐ Rumi.
‐ Huh?

‐ Poet.
‐ Yeah, I know.

‐ Dad liked his work, so...

‐ Well, anyone
can quote poetry.

I can quote poetry.

Uh...

‐ Don't make this...
‐ Okay, I'm not.

‐ Good, because it isn't.
‐ I know it isn't, babe.

Thank you.

[jaunty music]

♪ ♪

‐ Hey.
Uh, yeah.

Me again.
I'm sorry, but I am

begging you to give me
more time.

I know, I know.
I know it's raining,

and I'm so sorry
that it's been an ordeal,

but I...

Well, ideally, an hour.

No?
Okay.

Um, half an hour?

20 minutes?

Please?

20 minutes it is.

Uh, w‐we'll be right there.
Thank you so much.

[sighs]

‐ Ooh, one, two, three.

[thunder rolls]
‐ Ah!

‐ Do you know that trick?

You count the seconds
after the flash,

and that's how many miles away
it is.

‐ You know what?
I think it's clearing up.

‐ Really?
‐ Mm.

‐ It looks pretty heavy to me.

‐ No, no, no.
According to my app,

the rain will...
well, it says "precipitation"...

will stop
in about four minutes.

So I'm digging out
the Wellies.

‐ Oh, count.
One...

[thunder cracks]
‐ Ah!

‐ It's okay.
It's okay.

‐ [sighs] Yeah, probably give
it a minute.

‐ Let's just be okay with...
with being late.

Text your parents and tell them
to shelter under a tree.

Actually, don't do that.
That can k*ll you, can't it?

‐ Yeah, I'll call Dad.

‐ f*cking Barbados.

‐ Dad, Dad, listen.

I'm gonna need you
to run some interference

at the old ice cream place
near the park.

Yeah, Macready's.

I'll tell you...
[doorbell buzzes]

Uh, hang on.
There's someone at the door.

both: Hello.

‐ Oh, for f...I thought

you were gonna meet us there.

‐ In this weather?

Hi, Dad.

‐ Oh, dear.

‐ Hello!
‐ Hi.

‐ Hey!
Hello there.

Heavens, you still live here?

‐ [laughs]
‐ Now,

what's this
about an ice cream man

you need me
to interfere with?

‐ What?

‐ What?
[laughs]

I don't know what
you're talking about,

you crazy old bastard.

Right, it's definitely, uh,

easing off,
so shall we...

‐ I think it might be
brightening up, actually.

‐ Thank you.
Let's get some brollies

and just move on, shall we?

‐ I need the lavatory first.
‐ Oh.

‐ But I might be
a few minutes.

‐ Dad, can't you use
the toilets at the park?

‐ No.
They terrify me.

‐ Yeah, but it's
getting dark s...[sighs]

‐ So why are we going
to the park again?

‐ To take a picture
of the class bear.

‐ He's millennial.

‐ Oh, one of those.
‐ Mm.

‐ They're all over the news
at the moment.

‐ [whispering]
Dad, Dad.

Wait, wait.

‐ Do you have to close
the door?

‐ I want to ask you something.

‐ This is very Continental.

‐ I'm going to ask Ally
to marry me.

Right?
And there's a...

an ice cream place
in the park.

‐ Macready's.
‐ Yeah.

‐ I had a nosebleed
there once.

‐ So me and Ally used
to go there all the time

when we were first together.

It shut down last year,

but the guy has agreed
to keep it open

for 30 minutes
this afternoon.

‐ And you think the romance
of the gesture this time

will persuade her to say yes?

‐ Yes, exac...

that was very
emotionally literate, Dad.

‐ I'm busting for a sh*t.
It focuses the mind.

‐ After everything
that's happened,

I just want to give Ally
some stability.

Here's the ring.

I was wanting
to get this...

"ensmallened."
Is that a word?

‐ No.

‐ No.
Resized?

‐ Uh, that is a word.

‐ [snaps fingers]
Bingo.

‐ Uh, well,
it's an unusual piece.

Eclectic.
‐ Yeah, it's for my wife.

Not my wife.
My girlfriend.

Fiancée, or she will be
when I...

put a ring on her finger.

‐ I'm familiar with the custom.

I'm a jeweler.

‐ [laughs weakly]

‐ Uh, do you know
what size her finger is?

‐ Ah, yes, she is
exactly this size.

‐ Now this is superb.

‐ Hmm.

‐ Very fine work.
Very fine work indeed.

It would make

for a more traditional
proposal.

‐ Yes, I‐I know,
but that's the one

she had last time.
[clears throat]

She was married before,
which is fine.

Uh, the ring
that I want resized

actually belonged
to her father.

I‐I took it off his dead body,

so it just seems weightier.

‐ Understood.

It's a lovely gesture.

‐ Cheers.

‐ I will undertake
the "ensmallening."

‐ [laughs] Good.
Thanks, that's great.

‐ Um, if your fiancée
ever considers

parting with this piece,

please do come and see me.

‐ Why, is it valuable?

‐ It is.

‐ Oh, really?

Well, not wanting to appear

motivated by money,

how much...

money would you say
it's worth?

‐ I'd offer £4,000.

‐ sh*t off.
‐ Indeed.

‐ At least
it's not wood.

‐ So will you do that
for me, please?

Go to Macready's,

persuade the guy
to keep it open.

‐ Of course.
‐ Thank you.

‐ Now, have you ever seen

an old man soil himself?

‐ No.
‐ Well, I have.

Twice.
You never forget it.

‐ Understood.
Well, I'll...I'll see you

on the other...twice?
Okay.

Ally, Ally,
I need to tell you something.

What are you doing?

You're putting
a f*cking second load on.

What are you...
we need to go.

‐ No, we don't.
It's chucking it down.

What is wrong with you?

‐ Ava says
that's not her giraffe

and wants to know

what you've done
with the real one

and why you've lied to her.

‐ Dad, all done?

‐ Yes.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Although to be honest,
it's more

of an arbitrary cutoff point
these days.

‐ So we can go, right?

We can...we can still make it
on to...

[washer beeps]
Ally.

Leave what you're doing.
Please, let's get going.

‐ No!
It's pissing it down outside.

Just stop it.
‐ Daddy.

‐ What?
‐ I need another poo.

‐ f*ck!
Right.

I'm going to the park

to get a picture
with this twat

if it kills me,

and all you f*ckers.

[door slams]

[spacey music]

‐ Oh.

♪ ♪

‐ Hey.
‐ Hey.

♪ ♪

So this was
your big proposal, was it?

Your dad told me.

He's not exactly
spy material, Jim.

‐ It was going to be

so perfect, Ally.

It's all ruined now.

‐ Paul...
‐ Yes.

‐ What are you doing?

‐ Trying to shake things up,

be a bit more bold,

like Michael was.

And now you've lost him,

so I suppose
all this is...

really just about trying
to create some stability.

‐ For who?

I've never cared
about marriage.

You know that.

‐ Except for that one time
you got married.

‐ To Liam.
Liam...Liam was not the one.

He was bossy and fussy

and flaky and boring,

and he tried to tell me

what to wear
and how to behave.

He wanted to change me,

and you've never tried
to do that.

‐ Oh, Christ, no.

‐ Did you at least get a ring
that wouldn't rot this time?

‐ You're such a prick.
‐ [laughs]

Yep.
[both laugh]

‐ No trees were harmed

in the making
of this ring.

‐ Wow, that's my dad's ring.

‐ Yeah.

Had it "ensmallened."
‐ Is that a word?

‐ No.

‐ Okay, come on.

‐ Oh, what happened there?
Was that...was that a yes?

Did you just
engage yourself to me?

‐ Mm‐hmm.

[warm music]

‐ Really?

‐ At the end of the day, Paul,
I'm just a girl

standing in front of a boy,

asking him

to get in the f*cking car.

Come on.

Come on!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪