01x02 - On the Road Again

[bunniefuu]

I'm Randall Park
at Freedom High School,

continuing our
all-access coverage

of the Dwayne Johnson
Presidential campaign.

Thank you for joining US
for the official opening

of the Dwayne Johnson Library.

Dwayne, we always knew

that you were destined
for greatness.

Nice lady.

She made me sound good,
but none of it was true.

I mean, the only thing
that people said

I was destined to do was time.

That's good.

As we all know,
nobody's perfect,

and we all screw up.

I just happened to screw up
a little bit more than most.

As a matter of fact, Randall,
when I first got here

to Freedom High School,
I was a hardcore shoplifter.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, just so you know,

you guys have
to come in tighter

when he says stuff like that.

Well, it's too late now.

It's too late.
Back up.

Just anticipate.

Uh, continue.

Yeah, so we moved here
to Bethlehem from Nashville

because my dad wasn't wrestling
for Vince McMahon anymore.

- That's your father...
- Mm-hmm.

"Soul Man" Rocky Johnson!

Nice, man. Good job.

- Give me some.
- All right.

You practiced that,
didn't you?

I did.

I don't know if I mentioned it,
but I used to be an actor.

- You have.
- I have? Okay.

- Yeah, yeah, multiple times.
- Oh, okay.

- But back to my parents.
- Yes, yes.

So money wasn't coming in
the way it used to,

so he and my mom opened up
a cleaning business.

I had a side job
after school slinging pizza,

but the only thing
I wanted to do was chase girls.

Mm.

and to get their attention,
I thought

that I had to look rich,
hence all the stealing.

Candidate Johnson, please,

remember
our media training session.

- It's fine, Sandy.
- Yeah, it's fine, Sandy.

So my dad was still
trying to wrestle

any chance that he got,
so my uncle of a

- from the wild Samoans...
- The wild Samoans.

yeah, that's good.

- Yeah.
- Borderline inappropriate.

- Oh, okay.
- It was the tongue.

- Yeah. Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.

So my uncle of a
hooked my dad up

with a promoter
who got him booked

on some local shows,
which was great.

I mean, we needed the money,
but my dad

was still very much reliving

his glory days
of the early '80s.

Listen to that crowd!

Whoo!

- Kick to the midsection.
Johnson taking a b*ating!

Rocky making
an incredible comeback

against the nature boy.

Here comes
the big "soul man" right hand!

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

he holds flair up!

one, two...

Three,
and the crowd goes wild!

Yeah, right, they did!

I remember seeing
that match on TV.

- Flair's a great guy.
Just don't touch his hair.

But do compliment
his ring entrance robe.

Brother spends a ton
on feathering.

Dewey, did you put
an empty egg carton

and an empty milk carton
back in the fridge?

How are you supposed to know
we're out of stuff

if I don't put the empty
cartons in the fridge?

How 'bout you write it down
on the grocery list?

Because when I do,
you ignore it.

Like, here I wrote "coke,"
and you bought

sim's market brand sugar cola.

Do you think I want sim's
market brand milk alternative

for my coffee?
No.

I want
the purple half-and-half,

but nobody here is making
half-and-half money, Dewey.

We're making
sim's market brand money.

Gotta take a shower.
I've got a new client.

I can't be late.

- Hello?
- Hey, son.

- Hey, dad.
- Is your mom there?

She's in the shower.

She's working
for that new client today.

All right, let her know
I'm running a little late.

I lost track of time

storytelling for the guys
at the gym.

Mom seems real stressed, dad.

Hey, when I get home,
I'll give her

a Rocky Johnson foot massage.

That'll take care of it.

Well, since I waited
20 minutes

for the phone to open up,

let's not waste it.

Hey, how's it going
with that girl you like?

Fine-ass Karen... and not good.

I want to ask her out,

but so does every other guy
in school.

Well, son,
you are not every other guy.

You just need to figure out
what you can offer her

that no one else can.

My hans and Franz impression
from "Saturday night live."

I don't know
what that means, son,

but you gotta step
your game up.

Be confident.
Girls like swagger.

And don't wait
to make your move.

For every second you hesitate,
there's another guy out there

telling your girl

she'd look better
with less makeup.

So I wasn't gonna hesitate.

- Dewey, I'm leaving.
See you tonight!

Okay, ma, see you later!

This girl Karen
thought I was rich,

and I sure as hell wasn't,

so I had to impress her

with the best
stolen clothes I had.

that's right,
those are girbaud jeans.

♪ Living on a prayer ♪

I had my gear.

Now I just had
to catch my ride.

hello, hello.

Uh, sir, you need to be
a student to ride this bus.

I am a student.

You got some stones, pervert.

Gabe, yo,
tell him I'm a student!

Are those girbaud jeans?

So I think mondays
and Thursdays to start,

and if you have any questions
or you need anything,

just let me know.

Okay. Thank you, Mrs. Ariti.

- Oh, please, call me Diane.
Do you have any kids?

I have a daughter, supposedly.

She hasn't called
in three weeks.

I'm learning to cook Indian,
but I can't find the spices!

So if it hadn't been
for that second Margarita,

you'd be looking at
Mrs. Kelsey grammer right now.

And I just don't think
I'm a good hugger!

Do you think
I should get a facelift?

Be honest.

I have a shrp allergy!

Clark got me this
for my birthday.

He was always getting me
expensive, insulting gifts.

Bicycle, gym membership,
diet pills...

oh, my god,
those aren't real problems.

Paying rent,
keeping the lights on,

those are real problems.

Oh, right.

Of course.

I could pay you
a dollar more an hour.

No, no, that's not
what I was asking.

I just used to pay
what my neighbor paid,

- but she moved...
- Let's just forget I said anything.

I can't believe
he wouldn't let me on the bus.

I was so late
that I missed homeroom

with fine-ass Karen.

She didn't get to see
the new jeans I stole

or my hans and Franz.

What if I miss
my window with her?

Dude, honestly, I don't know
if your jeans

or your impression
would have mattered.

Karen has crazy high standards.

♪ Let's all go
to the lobby ♪

take me home.

Take me home.

♪ Karen ♪

take me home.

Um, we're at your house.

Oh.

Well, take yourself home then.

My god.

- It's the karens!
- What?

- It's the karens!
- No, here?

♪ Taking me ♪

♪ to the point of no return ♪

fine-ass Karen.

Big hair Karen.

Colorblind Karen.

and Bonnie.

They made her an honorary Karen
'cause it's her car.

- Yo, they're coming.
They're coming in.

Yo!

- What are we doing?
- Yo, I don't know man!

Just be cool!

I'm gonna put
these peppers on a plate.

♪ I ♪

♪ I'd like to feel
the passion ♪

♪ to the point of no return ♪

♪ oh, baby ♪

the universe was giving me
a second chance,

and like my dad said,
I had to be confident.

Yo, let's go over.

I can't, man.

I squirted pepper juice
in my eye.

Ugh. Ow.

Go over there
for the both of US.

- Hello, ladies.
- Hi, Tomas.

Oh, yeah, I also told her
that my name was Tomas.

- Missed you in homeroom.
- Oh, I was shaving.

Lost track of time.

So why are you
even working here?

I thought Karen
said you were rich.

- Oh, this isn't a money job.
This is a build-character job.

I totally get it.

My cousin's
a construction worker.

My dad's
a professional wrestler.

That's where our family money
comes from.

Oh, yeah?

My dad bought wrestlemania III
on pay-per-view.

Was your dad in that?

No, but he's friends
with all the guys who were.

I once spent a beautiful day
with andré the giant

when I was a kid.

Fezzik!

That's his character's name
in "the Princess bride."

Well, that's interesting.

Not what Bonnie said,
but what you said.

The last guy I dated's dad
was vice president

for the acquisitions
of... who cares?

So boring.

You know, I was
actually talking about you

- with my dad this morning.
- What?

- No, you weren't.
- I was.

I told him I wanted
to ask you out.

- You know what he told me?
- What?

He told me to offer you
what the other guys can't.

Oh, yeah, and what's that?

I'm hans.

I'm Franz.
And we want to pump you up.

- I love hans and Franz.
Call me later.

The "soul man" has
withstood the onslaught

by roddy Piper and is now
all over the rowdy one!

Here comes
the signature drop kick!

Is it over?

one, two...

Three, the crowd goes wild!

Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

Like I said,
I don't really watch wrestling.

Sure you do.

Let me tell you
about this other time.

So I had this brother, right?

Well, I feel awful.

I snapped
at my new client today,

so now I'm making her
apology musubis.

Do like we do out here
in Hawaii.

Send mangoes,
the fruit of forgiveness.

- There he is.
I did what you said.

I stepped to Karen
with confidence,

and she gave me her number.

Oh, that's great, son.

I told you that would work.

Gonna call her tonight
after I work out

so I can say,
"I just worked out."

- Smooth as hell, son.
Keep your foot on the gas.

Don't let up.

Rocky, did that promoter
pay you yet?

Uh, no, we got a match
on Saturday.

Office said
he's gonna pay US then.

Where's your match
on Saturday?

- North Hampton college.
Sold out.

- Really?
- Totally sold out.

Oh, I'm gonna blow their minds.

Like that time I went up
against Paul orndorff...

- Hello, Dwayne.
How's student life?

- Hey, principal Bogg.
It's good.

That was for the benefit
of the kids, officer Johnson.

I don't want
to blow your cover.

Any leads on the rash
of locker break-ins?

- Again, I'm not a narc.
- Of course.

You can't talk
on school premises.

I'll make US a reservation
at Morton's steakhouse.

You can brief me later.

Hey, stay safe out there.

What?

Karen, Karen, Karen, Bonnie.

You can call me Karen.

Is it me,
or is he wearing all red?

- It's you.
- Hi, Tomas.

Fun talking to you
on the phone last night.

Think how fun it will be
when we talk face-to-face

on our date.

Karen, you didn't tell US
he asked you out.

- He didn't, Karen.
It's happening right now.

No fricking way.

My dad is wrestling
at north Hampton college

on Saturday.

It's sold out,
but I can get US in.

Snag US some vip passes,
hang backstage.

That would be
pretty exciting.

I've never seen a live show.

See, Kevin?
That's how you do it.

♪ baby ♪

♪ I can't wait ♪

mmm.

They taste like hope
for a better future.

Thank you for these,
but you really didn't have to.

It's the least I could do
after how I spoke to you.

It's not an excuse,
but my husband's been having

work issues,
and money's been tight.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Ever since my daughter
left home and my divorce,

I've been a little lonely.

I guess I got overexcited
at having company.

Family tests you whether
they're here or they're gone.

Amen.

Just like Sally jessy says,
"we're expected

to react to the needs
of the people around US."

Who's Sally Jesse?

Sally Jesse Raphael.

The yellow haired hawk
of daytime talk.

Oh, come with me.
Come with me.

And I was like, "no, Bonnie,
a perm would not do well

with your face structure."

And that is how
I saved her life.

What would she do
without you?

Wow, this place
really is sold out.

I'll talk to the guy,
tell him who we are.

Here for the flea market?

We're here
for the wrestling match.

Yep, you're in
the right place.

That's right between
the vintage coats

and French armoires.

Now, I knew my dad
wasn't wrestling

in packed arenas anymore,

but he definitely
stretched the truth

about this venue.

Dewey!

Well, well, well,
and this must be Karen.

- Oh, what a surprise.
- Dewey?

- My nickname.
- It's a nickname for Tomas?

- Tomas?
His name is Dwayne.

Is this true, Tomas?

You said you were wrestling
at a college.

Yeah, this is at a college.

This is a flea market
next to a college.

Commemorative
bicentennial spoons?

Ew, I am not buying
used spoons.

- Vintage t-shirts, young lady?
You a fan of gwar?

- Dwayne!
- One sec.

Look at her, dad.
She's not the flea market type.

You know I've been trying
to impress this girl.

All right, all right,
I might have hyped it up a bit,

but the crowd is pumped.

There's, like,
ten people here.

Now, see, there was 11,
but this woman fainted

when she heard
I was on the card.

Yeah, she saw me wrestle
Mr. Fuji

at the garden years ago.

Now, that was
a hell of a match.

Okay, sure, my dad
stretched the truth

to make mself look good,
but he was also used

to a certain level of success
that he wasn't

ready to give up.

So fuji's about to throw salt
in my eyes, right?

Dwayne, can we go?

There is a woman
trying to sell me

what I think
is a r*cist syrup jar.

- Um, we gotta...
- Oh, wait, wait, no.

You can't leave
before the main event.

For sure, we're staying.

No way we're missing
a Rocky Johnson show.

That's my boy.

- Rocky, showtime.
- Great, thanks, hal.

I'll see you two
after the match?

No waye're staying.

There is a man selling
a pile of old baby shoes,

and it is freaking me out.

If you want to leave,
go ahead, but I'm staying.

Why?

He's my dad.

Like Karen,
I'm also confused.

Why did you stay?

He's my dad.

That's it.

Wait.

And it's really unusual,
I think, to hear women

say this...
Looks are more important

- than brains?
- Oh, yeah.

I think I would like
a dumb, hot man.

Clark was basically
a giant brain

attached to the body
of an uncooked chicken.

I'd like a man
who can put his ego aside.

I love Rocky,
but he always exaggerates

to make himself look good
when he doesn't even have to.

It's exhausting.

Still,
sounds better than Clark.

An uncooked chicken, ata.

- oh, I have to go.
- No.

Yeah, I still gotta go
to the grocery store

and get dinner ready.

You have to take time
for yourself too.

"Find the little joys,

for they give US
the greatest pleasures."

Did you just
come up with that?

No, that's sjr.

She said it to a toothless
woman addicted to crystal meth.

I recorded it.
I'll show you.

Got US some snacks.

That's what my family buys
to feed the fish

when we go to the poconos.

hey, uncle of a, uncle sika.

- This is Karen.
- Hi, Karen.

bye, Karen.

Should've gone
white water rafting with Kevin.

Okay, yeah, this place sucks,

but I promise
you're in for a show.

In this corner,
the "soul man"!

Even though my dad
wasn't wrestling

in Madison square garden
anymore,

in his mind, he was.

And his opponent,
hailing from the ocean,

the gull!

Ooh, a dirty att*ck
by the gull before the bell.

And whether it was the gull
or Rick flair

or roddy Piper,

anytime Rocky Johnson
got in that ring,

he went all out.

♪ That's what I got,
the hard way ♪

♪ and I'll make it better
each and every day ♪

it's so violent in real life.

- Ah, ah!
Ow!

♪ 'Cause you ain't seen
nothing yet ♪

if he doesn't sell
and get his opponent over,

there's no point
in blowing his comeback.

What does that mean?

Ow!

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

- stop it!
He's hurt!

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

Rocky reaches the ropes.

The gull has to let him go
or be disqualified.

Caw!

I hate you!

Nobody put on a show
like the "soul man."

Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

whoo!

♪ Well, grab the rope,
let me pull you in ♪

♪ give you hope ♪

♪ and be your only boyfriend ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

one, two...

Three!

like my dad, I had been
exaggerating the truth

to make myself look good,
but when I finally got real

and chose to be there for him
over impressing the girl,

I somehow got the girl.

That was amazing!

What did I tell you?

Nobody puts on a show
like my dad.

That was so fun.

You set the bar high
for our next date.

Next date?

Oh, is that before or after
you go rafting with Kevin?

- Shut up.
- Ah.

- Hi, Rocky!
- Hey.

Amazing, dad.

You put on a show.

You were so great,
Mr. Johnson.

- Why, thank you, Karen.
Appreciate that, son.

I've never seen
wrestling live before,

and it was so much better
than on TV.

Kind of like that time I saw
kirk Cameron at the airport.

- Hey, hell of a match, Rocky.
Hell of a match.

Finally, payday.

- Where's the rest?
- That's $300.

It was 300 per match.

I wrestled
three matches for you.

No, 300 total.

Just give US a second.

Business.

- $300?
That's all?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
he doesn't do

these smaller shows for money.

He just does 'em
as a favor to my uncles.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Still, though, you want to keep
these local promoters honest.

But he makes the real money
at the big shows.

Oh, well, I'd love
to see one of those.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
for sure.

I'll take you to the next one.

Hey, you know,
my dad has a ton of merch.

- You want a hat?
- Mm-hmm.

I'll bring you a hat
on Monday.

♪ So the wind
might change direction ♪

♪ and you stay
always as you are ♪

I've always loved that song.

Dwayne said
the show was great.

Hey, you know me.

My worst day
is someone else's best day.

Hey, I'm sorry
about the money.

Hal swore he was...
hey.

$300 is $300.
We could use it.

But next time, we gotta
make sure you get paid upfront.

Definitely.

Plus this convention in erie
will bring in some extra dough.

Pose for pictures,
sign some autographs.

It'll be great.

Hey, babe, what's with
this small, purple milk?

It's my little joy.

I put it behind the cantaloupe

so Dewey doesn't drink it all
in one gulp.

Smart.

No way that boy's
going near a melon.

Mm-hmm.

That is a sweet end
to the story.

Would've been, yeah,
but that's not the end.

Unless we want it to be.

Sandy, please.

Can someone get
this Sandy guy out of here?

Bitch trying to step
into my coverage.

- Sorry about that.
- That's okay.

You know, Randall, look,
I'm here to be honest,

and that's why I told you
this story.

No one's perfect,
and we all make mistakes.

I just happened to make
a whole hell of a lot of them.

Hey, Karen.

- I brought you this.
- Thanks.

Nice jeans.

I was just telling everyone
about the match.

When your dad did
that sunset flip...

Which was badass...

It, like,
totally changed my life.

Ugh, at the flea market?

Ugh, yes,
that part was disgusting.

It was like a cursed mall,
but the show was really fun.

Aw, that's awesome, man.

My neighbor's throwing
a garage sale next week.

Maybe your dad can
main event that.

my brother was there.

He said there were, like,
ten people in the audience.

There's ten people
here right now.

This was the audience.

I mean, it doesn't even matter.
Wrestling's all fake anyway.

oh!

Never use the f-word.

Wait, so you
knocked him out cold.

Ah.

Um...

We just scooped
evyone in the country.

- Scooped 'em all.
- Yeah, we did.