01x07 - Johnson & Hopkins

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

I'm Randall Park.

Candidate Dwayne Johnson finds himself embroiled in controversy today over the announcement of his vice presidential running mate, General Monica Jackson.

As a West Point cadet, General Jackson wrote a weekly humor column for the school newspaper called "Just Joking," where she offered up, quote, "witticisms of mass destruction.

" Yeah.

Randall, we have vetted General Jackson thoroughly, and I've seen her column.

Even this one where she calls UN Secretary General Kofi Annan "a weak cup of Kofi"? Look, clearly she's not my running mate for her sense of humor.

She's here because we have a shared vision for the country.

Well, as someone who's familiar with comedy from my acting days, I know how polarizing it can be.

Amy Polarizing.

- That's good! - Yeah.

That is good.

Get in here.

- That's good.

- Okay.

- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- Awesome.

- Uh, where you going? We still have an interview, I think, right? Oh, oh, sorry.

No, I-I-I just got excited.

Caught up in the moment.

- Yeah.

- It was a good joke.

Thank you, thank you.

Anyway, so certain factions are calling on you to choose a new running mate, saying that Jackson lacks the credibility to be vice president.

Look, she's still my partner in this thing, and I don't leave my partners behind.

- Mm.

- Hopkins taught me that one.

- Hopkins.

- Yeah.

Yes, yes, Hopkins, Hopkins.

Your costar in "The Scorpion King," right? No one named Hopkins on that one.

Right, no, no.

That's not Hopkins.

Hopkins was You know, Randall, it might be easier is I just told you the story.

Right.

1991, I was playing football for the University of Miami.

So I've been open about how badly I handled my first semester of college, getting injured and almost flunking out of school.

I was spending the off-season rehabbing and getting myself back on track and ready for a new season with new teammates.

You Dwayne Johnson? Yeah, who's asking? Warren Sapp, freshman tight end.

Future bench-press record holder.

Oh, you think you got it? Man, get your Sharpie ready.

- Okay, freshman.

- I don't want no excuses.

I know you already been working.

Don't worry.

You won't hear any.

Uh-huh.

Let's get it.

- This is so easy.

- So easy.

I'm thinking about what I'm about to have for lunch.

I wish I had a book.

I'd start reading it.

I was feeling strong, couldn't wait for the next season to start.

My parents were so excited, they even watched tapes of our practice scrimmages.

Whoo-hoo! Something happen on that play? Yes, Dewey didn't get hurt! - Ooh, you know! - Yeah, you like that, Dewey? What about this? You know what those grades mean? You're still on academic probation.

Coach O, how did you get my grades? - Aren't they private? - Nothing's private from me, son.

This ain't no joke now.

Not only do you need to get these grades up, you need to show the school your appreciativeness to even letting you play.

Like compliment them on the renovations they made to the administration building.

You are making me so mad, Dwayne.

No! You need to volunteer.

Do something to help the university.

Show them your dedication to the school goes beyond football.

Here.

Call this guy.

Tell him you want to help out with campus security.

This is real important, Dewey.

You can't mess this up.

Uh, Coach, this is your card.

What? Oh.

Kind of looks like me, don't it? Yeah, I found that on the clip art.

There, that face.

While I was doing whatever I had to to keep playing football, my grandmother was returning to the U.

S.

after years of exile in Samoa.

Could you take your hat off, please? - Why? - It's obscuring your face.

- Are you hitting on me? - Ma'am.

Fine.

And where are you coming from? Where am I coming from? Hell, that's where.

For almost two years in Samoa, I was homeless and sleeping on people's couches, and at night, I would stare up in the stars, thinking about getting back to my family, and then one day I heard from my daughter.

She told me that my grandson had found a way to get me back into the country.

My prayers had been answered.

Okay, so, under "countries visited," I'm just gonna put Samoa.

Idiot.

Stupid.

Okay, wait.

I'm confused.

How did you get her back into the country if she was deported by the federal government? Let's just say that I found a little loophole in the law, and she became a citizen again.

Can I ask a follow-up question? - I wouldn't.

- Just a quick one.

Was Hopkins somehow involved in all that? No, he wasn't.

I hadn't met Hopkins yet.

I was about to.

Coach's contact pulled through and helped me get a job in campus security in a department called "Phone Services.

" You'll be checking the emergency phones on campus to make sure they're operational.

- Okay, so I just have to - Don't worry, I'm gonna have one of our most experienced techs train you.

Hopkins! - Hopkins! - Hopkins! - That's Hopkins.

- That's Hopkins.

Come on, give me some.

All right, yes! Where you going? We're still doing the interview.

Oh, that's right.

You're totally right.

- That's right.

- That's right.

- There we go.

- Okay, sorry about that.

- It's okay.

- Just got excited.

- It's Hopkins.

- Hopkins! Hopkins, this is your new partner, Dwayne Johnson.

I don't need a partner.

I'm good, thanks.

This isn't a choice, Hopkins.

This is an assignment.

Get somebody else to take him.

I've got seniority, for God sakes.

Come on.

Show Dwayne the ropes.

Just eight months to graduation.

So we just check the phone and Okay, here's the deal.

None of that matters.

All right? We write our names on that sign-in sheet every morning, get the list of phones we're supposed to check, then go home and watch movies until it's time to sign out.

What? But Justin said that He has to say that, but he knows the deal.

We look out for each other.

Now that I've told you, you're a part of that circle.

Look, this job is keeping me on the football field.

If you're messing with my chances to get to the NFL, I will k*ll you.

Just take it easy, big fella, all right? Just follow my lead, and everything will be fine.

The only thing I need to know is, do you like action movies? Of course I like action movies.

Then welcome to the greatest scam in college history.

Whoa! Yo, you sure about this? We just watch movies and then go back and sign out at the end of our shift? You sure we don't have to check any campus phones? Look here, man.

I used to check the phones like a good soldier my first few months here, and you know what I found? They worked.

If they don't, somebody'd tell us.

We're entirely unnecessary.

Trust me, I've been doing this a long time, almost a year.

This flick is good.

Not as good as Schwarzenegger's best action star of all time.

No, Stallone, all day.

This isn't a debate.

It's a fact.

It's a fact that my guy could take your guy via land, sea, air, and time.

Say your daughter gets kidnapped - by a Latin American dictator.

- Okay.

You can send one guy to save her who do you pick? - Rambo.

- Mm-mm.

He's experienced in tropical environments.

He's escaped a P.

O.

W.

camp.

He knows how to deal with a loose cannon.

Rambo knows Vietnam.

He doesn't know South America.

And, yeah, he escaped a P.

O.

W.

camp, but he lost his best friends in the process.

'Cause he was double-crossed! Schwarzenegger doesn't make excuses.

Oh, but I'm sure you will for "Red Sonja.

" Two beautiful foreigners with swords getting revenge? I don't see a problem.

Ooh! Here we are! Why are these so heavy? It's the wood for my carvings.

So we have a surprise.

We've called some of the old crew, and they're all coming to town.

We're throwing you a barbecue this weekend.

Who's gonna man the grill? Why is that everyone's first question? Who cares who mans the grill? Ah, Dewey.

I can't wait to see him.

Won't be long before you're able to see him play football on TV on Saturday.

You hear that, High Chief? You're grandson, big star, playing football on TV.

- How much he get paid? - Nothing.

They don't get paid in college.

Stupid.

You made me bore the High Chief with stupid news? You know how busy he is in Heaven? You son of a bitch.

He's no Stallone, but your guy Schwarzenegger can deliver a catchphrase.

Hell, yeah, he can.

Get to the chopper.

- Get to the chopper.

- Get to the chopper.

- Get to the chopper! - Get to the chopper! Oh, there it is, there it is.

It's coming, it's coming.

- Oh! - Yes! Watch this.

- Oh! - Aah! k*ll me! I'm here! Come on, do it now! k*ll me! Aah! You have to cut the ground wire.

It's the blue wire with the white stripe.

Yes! You see, the mud is what protects you.

No, I don't I would've seen him regardless.

It's invisibility.

You would not have seen him.

Bro, you don't know my power.

Says here all the phones are in working order.

You sure about that? Of course we're sure.

I was gonna say, "We have 'Total Recall.

'" Here you go.

That's hilarious.

Have a good one.

You guys better hope those phones are working.

That was Amanda Chavez from HQ.

She's doing quality control.

What do you mean quality control? She's checking the phones.

She's got your checklist, and she's gonna make sure it's accurate.

- You said no one ever checks.

- They don't.

- They never do.

- Well, they are now.

Amanda Chavez is checking your work, and if anything's off, we're all screwed.

Oh, I can't mess this up.

My football career, my life is on the line.

And I'm saving up for a Sega Genesis.

Then you need to get to those phones before Amanda Chavez does.

Do not screw this up! God help us if Chavez is wearing her comfortable heels.

Move, move, move, move! - Whoa! - Excuse me! Hey! Sorry, sorry! She's halfway to the first phone.

How are we gonna b*at her there without her seeing us? - What if we go this way? - Jump the arboretum wall? That bitch is eight feet high! Or we could go through the natatorium.

Pool.

Man, the lifeguards will make us walk.

Well, the arboretum or the natatorium? Um The arboretum or the natatorium? - Make the call! - The arboretum! Okay.

All right, it works.

Hey, Hopkins, look.

- What's she doing over there? - She changed her route.

She's headed to the phone by the library.

Damn it! It doesn't make any sense.

Why would she do that? We're dealing with a loose cannon.

She's heading to the phone on the other side of that plaza.

She's almost there.

What do we do? I got an idea.

You move those cones and reroute that band to block her.

I'm gonna cut through the building to b*at her there.

Oh, uh It's up to you now, Johnson.

Today we're gonna be talking about electromagnetic force.

Excuse me, can we help you? Uh, no need, all good.

What is your name? Warren Sapp! - Hopkins.

- What? Put your feet down.

Oh.

- Thank you, baby.

- Thank you.

I know this sounds crazy, but I think I might grill up some peaches.

- Is she making peach burgers? - Mm-hmm.

Lia, you wouldn't believe how much beef jerky they make me eat when I sh**t one of those commercials.

Guess how much.

A hundred pounds? A hundred p No, now, that is a crazy amount of jerky.

38 sticks, yeah.

- Ooh.

- 38.

I once ate 38 eggs in a day.

Ah, well, there ain't no money in eggs, my brother, but beef jerky did pay for my Lambo Ooh, yeah! Billy Crystal told me to buy two Lamborghinis and use them as roller skates.

I'm so glad you called me, Lia.

I didn't think you were ever gonna forgive me for going with Greg Yao.

It's funny.

I used to care about things like that, but my time in Samoa Mom, you get the first burger off the grill.

Thank you, darling.

I'm not hungry.

You okay, Lia? You don't seem like yourself.

What's the matter? Me.

I'm the matter.

In Samoa, I had a lot of time to think, and I realized the most important thing is family.

Nothing else matters.

Now that I've come home, I see how I failed my family.

Mama, you didn't fail us.

I wanted to keep Peter's dream alive.

His business was our legacy, and I didn't do that.

He shouldn't have left it to me.

- Oh, no, don't say that.

- Don't say that.

No, it's true.

I mean, we live in a two-bedroom apartment in Tonka.

- Tampa.

- Lia.

You gave me a place to stay when I had nowhere else to go.

I'll never forget that.

Playing cards in your kitchen was some of the best times of my life.

Auntie, you loaned us money and helped us get started, remember? And I completely betrayed you, but you still found it in your heart to welcome me back to the family.

When Peter was alive, I never did see the wrestling business as his.

He needed you, Baba, same as you needed him.

Peter would have been proud of the way you fought for us.

To Lia and Peter.

Lia and Peter.

Thank you, boys.

Now, can someone get me a hamburger? I'm starving.

Mom, your hamburger's right here! Oh, right, right, right.

You know, I am full on the love and the well wishes.

Who wants the peach burger? Come on, Randy, you get in there.

Got eyes on Chavez.

She stopped for a coffee break at the student center.

We should have plenty of time to check this last phone.

Let's get it done, son.

We got this.

No! Hopkins, can you hear me? - Hopkins! - I hear you, man! It's my leg, not my ears! - Come on, get up.

- I can't.

My leg is busted.

Just go, all right? - Just leave me.

- I'm not gonna leave you.

- Would Tango leave Cash? - You can't risk it.

You need this job for football.

And you, you need that Sega Genesis.

Now come on.

Phone Services.

I'm commandeering this cart.

Johnson, no, don't do it! Don't do it! Are you crazy? Look out, look out! Oh! - Yes! - We did it.

Oh, man, I'm thinking we need to frame this.

Wait.

What the hell is that? There's one more phone, and it's in the student center.

That's why Chavez went there first.

She wasn't on a coffee break.

She went to check that phone.

You need to get to it before she does.

There's no way.

The path goes all the way around the quad.

It'll take ten minutes.

Not if you cut across on foot.

I've got my walkie.

I'll be with you the whole way.

Phone steam ahead.

- What? - It's word play.

She hasn't checked it yet.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Damn it! Hopkins.

Hopkins, you there? Johnson, what's happening in there? The phone is dead.

I don't have much time.

Chavez is almost done with her coffee.

Hang on, Johnson.

Come on, pick up the phone.

Emergency Services, this is Justin.

Justin, it's Hopkins.

We've got a broken phone.

- What do we do? - I don't know.

It could be a million things.

Just give us a fix, damn it! Okay, look, nine times out of ten, it's the wiring.

Try to unscrew the receiver end.

Johnson, unscrew the receiver.

Right.

- Okay.

- What's next? There should be four connected wires blue, white, orange, and black.

Do you see those? Do you see four wires? Blue, white, orange, and black.

Yes, but the blue one and the orange one aren't connected to anything.

The blue one and the orange one aren't connected to anything.

Okay, blue wire goes to the battery.

Orange one goes to the terminal strip.

Blue wire to the battery, orange one to the terminal strip.

Wait, what's the terminal strip? Isn't that the shady strip club by the airport? Damn it, she's heading over.

Johnson? Johnson! Hopkins! Okay.

Blue wire to the battery.

Which one's the battery? You got this, Johnson.

Here goes nothing.

We did it! Whoo! Ha ha! Yes! Heard the Gulf w*r is going well.

Whoa, that was intense.

Bet your ass it was intense, Randall.

My life has been intense.

That's why I surround myself with people I trust.

When times are tough, you don't get rid of them.

You weather out the storm together.

So is Hopkins still in your life? Oh, yeah! Yeah, we're in a football pool together.

That's beautiful.

So before we go, do you have any final thoughts about General Jackson? I know without hesitation that when the chips are down, I want General Monica Jackson by my side.

She is a fighter, she's tough, and she never gives up, and I have her back.

And when we need it most, she's gonna have America's back as well.

General Jackson, how much does it mean to hear Mr.

Johnson defend you through these tough times.

It means that we have a presidential candidate with integrity and character.

And I can't think of a better person to lead our country.

And all this chatter about my college newspaper column has really got my comedy juices flowing again.

What? Here's my top ten reasons why Dwayne Johnson would be a great leader.

Number ten he will never take you for granite.

Number nine he rocks.

- Number eight - How many more are there? - Eight.

- Right.

Power to the pebble.

Number seven.