01x11 - Election Day

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Randall Park.

With Election Day 2032 just around the corner, the latest polls released today show candidate Dwayne Johnson with a 4-point lead over his opponent, Senator Brayden Taft.

Candidate Johnson has come a long way since we started our all-access coverage of his campaign.

We've captured the good, the bad, and the surreal.

Starts tumblin' Who's your daddy, who's your baby? Who's your buddy? Who's your man? See you at the polls! Let's do this! Tonight we have candidate Johnson with us live from his campaign headquarters.

Welcome, Dwayne.

Hey, Randall, it's good to see you, buddy, as always.

Tell me, are you already writing your acceptance speech? Randall, you know me.

I never point to that scoreboard until the game is over.

Oh, yeah, you see, I'm the opposite.

I love counting my chickens.

I, like, literally have four chickens.

- You live free, man.

- Okay.

Randall, there's been so many times in my life where things were going great, and then all of a sudden, bam, - I get blindsided.

- The poster looks great, Mom, but Rocky hasn't won the bout yet.

I had these made early.

Vince told me that it's only a matter of time.

Rocky's going to go on the road, wrestle for the WWF, become the tag-team champion, and then he'll return home and fight for me.

Oh, Dewey, uh, take a picture of me with my poster.

I'm gonna take it on the road with me tomorrow, show it to Macho Man, tell him I'm from the future.

It'll freak him out.

Then I'll appear and pretend to be you from the past.

His brain is gonna explode.

I appreciate that, little man, but you're gonna stay here with your mom.

- The road is no place for a kid.

- But I'm not a kid.

I'm the president of the Rocky Johnson Fan Club.

Sweetie, we're gonna have so much fun.

We're gonna go to the zoo, see that pregnant panda, and we're all gonna go to the beach later.

Hey, boss, you ready to go visit Gary Chow? Yeah.

Wait, are you going to see Greg Yao? No.

Because Gary Chow sounds suspiciously like Greg Yao.

Gary is my florist, and we're gonna go and talk about orchids.

See, when you smile and say that, it makes me think you're not telling me the truth.

Does it? I think you should stay away from that guy.

If you want to put on a match, you go through me.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

You pay my tribute fee of $5,000.

Did you hear, FBI? Did you get it? Yeah, but if we can get more, we have a better chance of making sure the charges stick.

And, remember, we're going to the beach later.

We won't be gone long.

Come on, Bob.

- You need me on the road.

- I'll get the car.

Who's gonna help sell merch? - Vince has guys who do that.

- Not as well as I can.

You see this smile? It moves units.

Dewey, I don't think it's a good idea.

I don't want to stay here with Mom.

I wanna go with you.

- Okay, fine.

- You wanna go somewhere with me? Okay, then.

Let's go.

Elbows in.

Yeah, back straight.

Now.

Flex.

Ooh.

- Yeah, nice.

- Look at that definition.

Me and you could be doing this on the road, Dad.

Gym buddies.

Yeah, the gym is a place to get after it, but it's also a place for real talk.

Okay, real talk me.

All right.

Come here, Dewey.

Remember how Mom said "Star Search" changed their minds about flying her out to Los Angeles for an audition? That wasn't true.

Oh, okay.

So Mom's a bad singer.

What? No.

No, no, no, no, no.

She chose not to go to be here with you while I was on the road.

She wanted to be that constant presence in your life so you always felt like you had a home.

So when you say things like, "I don't wanna stay here with Mom," Dewey, that hurts her.

You're not a little kid anymore, so you can't be doing that.

Are you ready to be the man of the house while I'm gone? What do I have to do? Watch after your mom and your grandma.

A man looks out for his family.

Dad, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna do my next set by myself.

Absolutely.

Do some thinking curls.

I was just a kid But I knew I wanted to live by those words.

Words I still live by today.

Lia, Bob.

Come in.

You know why we're here, Yao.

Where's my tribute fee? Okay, straight to the point.

It's light.

I could only find $1,800.

But if you let me put on my wrestling match, - I can get you the rest.

- You hear that, Peter? He's trying to screw me, High Chief.

- I'm not.

- Who are you talking to? I-I don't have the money.

Then you have to pay a different price.

What do you mean? Bang, bang.

You have until the end of the day.

Did you get it? We got it.

Calling it in now.

Where are they? Mom said to meet her and Grandma here.

Surprise! I just wanted to do a little something to show you how proud of you I am.

Thank you, babe.

This is just the beginning for us.

Food smells incredible.

Ha, I stole recipe from old family enemy.

Hey, so, uh, me and Sika are trying to find out who's got the best artistic eye, eh? So let us each take a picture of you, and then in five to seven days' time when it's developed, you can tell us which one's better.

But first, shirts off.

- Oh.

- Oy, oy, oy, oy.

- Thank you, Dewey.

- Yeah.

One, two, three, flex.

Ooh.

Oh, what a beautiful tableau, yeah.

- Ah, Dewey.

- Mom, can I real talk you? Sure, baby.

What's going on? Oh.

What's that for? I'm glad I'm staying here with you while Dad's gone.

I'm glad you are too.

So even at ten years old, you were already stepping up for your family? Yeah, it's a great feeling when you're on top of that rollercoaster, but we all know what comes after that.

Perfect.

The cake is too nice.

They'll never believe that you made it.

They'll believe what I tell them to believe.

Come on.

We're late.

FBI! Lia Maivia, you're under arrest for extortion.

Extortion? What are you talking about? I'm just a grandma.

We got you threatening Greg Yao on video.

You're making a big mistake.

I am a lady, innocent.

Run, boss.

You run.

I'm wearing flip-flops.

Man, I would not be that cool if the feds came after me.

She was cold as ice.

Like Sly Stallone from "Cliffhanger" when he had to Burn all the stolen money to stay alive.

Yes, Randall! - Yeah, it was a classic.

- You got it.

My man.

Um, so that was it? Your grandma went to jail, and that was the end of her business? No, she actually b*at the rap.

Twist.

But I'll save that story for down the road.

Oh, I'm already obsessed with it.

You know, my dad would've never known it at the time, but when he told me to always look out for my grandmother and my mom, well, I took that to heart.

Even more reason why your grandmother's arrest must've been so shocking for all of you.

It was, but that's what it's like on a rollercoaster, highs and lows.

You know, I remember a similar thing happened when I was in high school.

I've talked about this in the past, where I was going down a pretty dark road.

But my junior year, I found the game of football, and that's when things really started to change.

I was a top recruit, and every major football program was after me.

Dewey, we got another one.

It started with the letters.

Then came the phone calls.

Hello? No, Dwayne's not home.

Who's calling? Then came the in-home visits, which weirdly always ended up with coaches giving us a mug.

- Anyone want coffee? - Yeah, thanks.

Oh, this damn apartment.

The landlord never fixes anything.

Sounds like Andre when he sleeps on his back.

My family was still struggling, but I knew college football could lead to a better future for us.

You gotta go to Notre Dame, man.

You're automatically down with Jesus.

I like the Georgia Bulldogs.

Do you remember the time you stole my dog purse? They're trying to deport me, Dewey.

The feds are the criminals.

Bob, say aloha.

Aloha.

If you join USC, the other teams will be seeing red in a way that I never will.

Nebraska's a no-brainer.

I hear it's called "Big Hair Country.

" Don't listen to Big-Hair.

Nebraska's defensive scheme is all wrong for your style of play.

I appreciate the input.

Can I ask you something? Oh, my God, yes, I will go to prom with you.

No, I was gonna ask why Karen still won't talk to me.

- Oh, my God.

- It's fine, no one noticed.

It's been a year.

Do I like that you're poor? No.

But I hate that you lied to me about it.

You didn't even give me a chance.

You know, as much as I hated Karen not talking to me, it just added fuel to my fire to be great.

Anything come from the University of Miami? No, UCLA and Washington today.

Hey.

Typical you.

You got all these schools offering you scholarships, but you want the one that isn't.

They're the national champs, and if they're not gonna come after me, then I guess I gotta go after them.

David Scott.

Sup, David Scott.

Why aren't you recruiting me? Who is this? The beast of Bethlehem, Dwayne Johnson.

5-star D-lineman, Freedom High, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, look, I'm not familiar If you want to let Bobby Bowden b*at you to the best D-lineman in the country, - that's up to you.

- Let me look into it.

Better hurry.

I'm making a decision soon.

Hey, kid, I respect the guts you got in calling me.

Gotta go for it, right? I was feeling strong, full of confidence, and I decided to keep it going.

Andrew Carnegie can I help you? No thanks.

I'm on a roll.

I gotta keep going.

Karen, will you go to prom with me? Prom? Okay, first off, we haven't talked in, like, a century, and second, I have a boyfriend now, Kevin.

Father, forgive him for he knows not what he does.

Father, forgive him because he's a rudy poot candy ass.

Look.

I shouldn't have lied to you about being rich, and I get why you don't want anything to do with me, but things are different now.

I've changed, and in a few years, my lie won't be a lie anymore.

I'm gonna get into the NFL, and be so rich I can afford a robot maid like Rocky Balboa.

What? Rocky bought one for Paulie in "Rocky IV.

" It doesn't matter.

What I'm saying is, if you ever change your mind, ever, come find me.

You'll know where I am.

All right, class.

Andrew Carnegie.

The balls.

Hey, worked with Miami, might work with Karen too.

Wait, what do you mean, Miami? Dude, they finally recruiting you? Should be showing up at my place right now for an official visit.

What the hell are you doing here then? Gotta finish my workout.

The balls.

Wheels keep on turning Proud Mary keep on burnin' Rollin', rollin' Rollin' on the river Love me some John Fogerty.

Wish I'd brought my harmonica.

Apologies for being late, fellas.

Hey, son.

Where you been? Your mama been singing Creedence for an hour.

"Who'll Stop the Rain," "Put a Candle in the Window" At the gym.

I lost track of time.

You know how it is when you catch a groove.

Can't cut it short.

You kept us waiting for an hour because you wanted to finish your damn workout? I kinda love it.

[bleep.]

, me too, man.

I like that Coach O.

He's like a mix of my mom and Macho Man.

Mm, yeah, he's got great thickness.

You give me a month with him, I'll make him a WWF champion.

Any guy over 200 pounds you say this.

Hey, congrats on Miami, son.

You made it happen for yourself.

And the first thing I'm gonna do when I get drafted to the NFL is buy you a house.

Oh.

How about you buy us a Cadillac, and we'll work our way up from there.

No more crappy apartments.

No more broken faucets.

No more landlords.

This is gonna be the first house we've ever owned.

I got big dreams for us.

Me too.

My big dream is you.

Mm, my allergies are acting up.

There's a pepper flake in my eye.

I was feeling great, riding high, but then boom, reality smacked us right in the face.

Excuse me.

We live here.

What's going on? The woman in apartment three caught her hair on fire while trying to cook amphetamines.

Unfortunately, her faucet didn't work, so she ran outside and tried to jump in the pool next door, which was bone dry.

She survived the fall, crawled over to the manager's office, who, upon seeing her d*sfigured body at the door, had a heart att*ck and d*ed.

You know what? A house sounds pretty good.

I agree.

So you're saying there's been a pool here this whole time? So you got that scholarship to Miami, and then bam, your legs get cut out.

Yeah, there's that rollercoaster again.

But I tell you what, it made me double down on my promise that I made my parents to buy them a house.

All those places we lived, we never owned our own house.

Yeah, you just needed to get to the NFL to make good on that promise.

You know, I really struggled when I first got to Miami, but I still had good tape to show the scouts, and I had that Miami cache.

I was hopeful.

I still felt like I had a sh*t at my NFL dream.

Yeah, that's it, sir.

Push it.

Push it, 3-6-5.

3-6-6 on leap years, baby.

Laying it on a little thick, don't you think? Hey, as long as they let me workout here for free and get ready for the draft, I'll lay it on as thick as Hey.

Don't worry, sir.

By the time we're done, no one will believe you're 50.

All right, enough.

Lat check.

- Oh, boy! - Ooh! Look at that.

Looks like a cobra's head.

If I get any more swole, they're gonna need bigger mirrors.

Could cover a small village from the rain.

I think I'm finally stronger than Gaston - from "Beauty and the Beast.

" - Gotta turn my head just to see the range on these babies.

What about your job? You have any enemies? They run the Bank of Hawaii like a family.

So if anything, I've got a bunch of new brothers and sisters.

Who's your least favorite sister? Oh.

Sorry, Bob.

I gotta go.

Dewey needs the phone.

Don't forget to send me some Koko Samoa.

They don't have any here in Tonta.

Tampa.

Yeah, okay, Tampa, Tompa.

Goodbye.

Okay, the draft is about to start.

Nobody make any calls for the next two days.

Gotta keep the line open in case an NFL team calls.

Has it started? Not yet, babe.

You're just in time.

Oh, good.

And I told my boss I'm taking tomorrow off.

Didn't say why.

I like to create mystery.

Nothing's keeping me from watching Dewey's big moment.

Oh, you don't have to stay for the whole draft, Mom.

It's just gonna be some guys in polo shirts looking at papers.

Okay, great.

I'm taking a nap.

Wake me up when something happens.

The draft is seven rounds, and I just needed one team to give me a sh*t.

With the first pick in the draft, Cincinnati Bengals have selected running back from Penn State Ki-Jana Carter.

Should've been Dwayne Johnson.

With the third choice in the first round, the Houston Oilers select quarterback from Alcorn State Steve McNair.

Not mad at a Black quarterback.

That's right.

With the 12th pick in the first round, Tampa Bay selects defensive tackle University of Miami Warren Sapp.

Oh, Dewey, it's your friend.

Of course Sapp's coming to Tampa.

Look at the Tampa mascot.

A woman with a mustache holding a Kn*fe in her teeth.

Huh.

Third round, Miami Dolphins And that concludes day one.

I didn't hear my name called on day one, but I still felt hopeful about day two.

- Welcome to day two of - And the 109th pick Jack Jackson.

- Jerry Wilson.

- It's the 233rd pick.

For the final pick 249th selection in the 1995 draft goes to Michael Reed, defensive back Boston College.

And he was drafted by the Carolina Panthers and he'll be big time in Newport Beach.

Thank you.

What's happened? Is it over? Yeah, it is.

It's really over.

I broke my promise.

I let her down.

I let you down too, Dad.

I-I let everyone down.

You're not done.

Trust me, I know from experience, it ain't over until it's over.

I appreciate your positivity, Dad, but there's no working the gimmick here.

Babe, you know we love your singing, but now's not I want you to have this, so no matter how far your journey takes you, you can play a song and be right back with your family.

Mom, thank you, but I'm not going anywhere.

Maybe not right away, but you will.

And when you do, this is your reminder that you're not alone.

You carry all of us with you.

- Hello? - Hello.

Is this the University of Miami's Dwayne Johnson? Uh, yes, sir, it is.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hey, you must be Dwayne Johnson! Well, on behalf of the Calgary Stampeders, welcome to the Canadian Football League! Hey, what's with the tiny guitar, eh? I got it from my mom.

It's a ukulele.

- That's tiny.

- Yeah.

- Canada? - Canada.

Huh.

So you kept your dream of playing professional football alive.

Hell yes, I did.

If they were gonna pay me to play, then that's where I was gonna go.

You know, look, my goal was to crush it in the CFL and then get signed by an NFL team.

Well, I would ask you how long you played pro football in Canada for, but I have a feeling that's also a story for another time.

And you know it's a great one.

Look, no matter what happens, whether I become president or not, I wanted to share some personal stories with people to show them that I understand where they're coming from, because I've been there.

Well, thank you so much, candidate Johnson, for your time, and best of luck in the election.

Although, I don't think you'll need it.

Well, thank you very much, Randall.

It's my pleasure, and you always need a little bit of luck.

All right, candidate Johnson.

That's a wrap.

Thank you.

Mom? How'd you know where to find me? You always find spots like this where you just come and sit and think ever since Andre and you and your birds.

Yeah.

These interviews, Mom, I've been doing has really gotten me nostalgic.

Can you believe how far we've come? Yes, Dewey, we are blessed.

We're very blessed.

I wish Dad could've been here to see where we're at right now.

He is here.

He's very proud of you.

Yeah.

He's here right now.

What do you think Grandma's saying right now? "I oughta smack that Dewey.

" I better get going.

- Let's go.

- Come on.

All right.

We gotta get to a press conference.

Do you want me to write some lines for you? No, Mom, I'm good.

Mom, I think I might just win this thing.

President Dewey.