01x01 - The Arrival

[bunniefuu]

Ah!

Miss!

Listen to me!

You don't have to do this!

What's your name, love?

Put the bag down for me.

Open the bag for me, Miss.

- Okay... we've got eyes on the baby.
- Eyes on that baby.

Okay, put your hands
where I can see them.

And walk slowly towards me.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, Christ!

Eat sh*t, my friends.

Ugh, you're pitiless.

Don't hate the
player... hate the game.

- Yeah, but you always win.
- 'Cause I'm the best.

Every time.

- Hm?
- Nah.

- Mm-mm?
- Nah, nah. I shouldn't.

Mmm.

All right, gimme a puff.

Gimme these, gimme that,

and gimme these.

Hittin' the spot, right?

Sorry.

All right, I'll
be back in a sec.

Thought she was leaving
her with Jamie tonight.

- Hey, Mommy's coming.
- He had to work late.

Come on, it's fine.

No, no, no, no, Rita Skeeter.
Poker nights are sacred.

You agree with
me. I know you do.

I know what that
little smile means.

Sorry, she won't go down.

- Left her bloody BunBun at home.
- It's all right.

- She can join in.
- What's a BunBun?

Oh, it's this Norwegian
sleeping aid. It's amazing.

Honestly, it would get her to
sleep on a f*ckin' airfield.

Hello!

- Oh, Tash, sorry. Could you...
- Oh. Mm... Sorry.

You all right, pal?

Oh yeah.

- Tash, I don't wanna wind her up, yeah?
- Got it, sorry.

This was so damn tasty.

Mm, it's pepper pot. It's
my daddy's special recipe.

Still some left, though, which
means I didn't make it right.

I miss Daddy Lyle.
How's he doin'?

You know what? He's
all right, actually.

- Yeah, he's...
- Aww.

Hey, Tash, tell Mags about that
weirdo who came in on Monday.

- Oh yeah. Mags, you'll love this.
- Hm?

So, I'm in the restaurant,
about to close the kitchen,

this guy comes in with
these two well-old women...

Silly.

Sorry, carry on.

Yeah, so these ladies
are old, all right?

And this guy is hot in, like,
a second cousin kind of way.

Mm-mm, she hasn't pooed.

Sorry. That was
disgusting, wasn't it?

I think I've forgotten
how normal people behave.

It's just a lot, you know?
All the time... Forever.

But it is how it is.

Is it better?

What?

Like, is it better... than
before you had the kid?

- Tash.
- Nah, it's okay.

It's a fair question.

Um...

Don't know.

It's hard to explain.

Love you, Mags... ya d*ck.

Mm! No.

Are you gonna tell her?

Tell me what?

Tash, I've got some news.

I'm pregnant.

Fuuuck, duuude.

That's amazin'. Congrats!

Congratulations.
Wow. Are you happy?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh yeah, that's awesome.

Cheers to that. Mm? Ay!

Mm, you know what?

Let's celebrate... by lettin'
Rita win the next hand.

- Yes!
- What you got, bell ends?

Oh, leave it.

- What?
- Leave it, she's fine.

Let's just play the game.

What is up with you?

All three of us have
put aside tonight, yeah,

- in our very busy lives...
- Yeah.

In order to spend time together.

That means we listen
to each other's stories

even if they're
not as interesting

as whether or not your
child shat herself.

I'm sorry.

Am I bein' rude?

Should we go back to
pretending we're hangin' out?

You know what?

f*ck this.

Do you want a lift?

Uh... I'll be there in a minute.

Are you gonna turn into a massive
assh*le when you have a baby?

- No promises.
- Mm. How pregnant are you?

Three months.

So, it's not too late.

I'm joking.

- It's a joke!
- No.

It's a joke! Christ!

I love you, and I'm sorry
you're finding this hard.

Yeah, I'm thinking

I need to go away
for a couple of days,

and, you know

- figure out why I'm so unhappy.
- Jinn Right.

So, you're not comin'
in for your shift today?

Right.

Kitchen'll be all
right without me, yeah?

I think we'll survive.

Well, if you keep oversalting
those sardines, you won't.

f*ck off.

- Stevo!
- Yes, sir! Is that Chef?

No, no, no, no! Don't,
don't tell Stevo I'm here.

All right, Chef?

You all right, Stevo?
How's the stock lookin'?

Aww, shite.

Yeah? D'ya roast off the
bones? Give it some good color?

- Yeah.
- Got some nice aromatics in there?

Yeah.

Well, then you're golden.

You've got this, kid.

You ready for a
party tomorrow, Chef?

Lock-in at the restaurant.

21 is gonna be epic, boooys!

I'm not tellin' him.

I'm not gonna make it, Stevo.

What?

I've gotta go away and
get my head straight.

Well, can't you get
f*cked up with us

and then get your head straight?

We'll get messy soon,
all right? Promise.

- Oi.
- Oi, oi.

D'ya know Rita's pregnant?

It was only a matter
of time, wasn't it?

Once Mags had hers.

Oi...

Good luck with your... head.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- All right, Dad?
- Dad Hello, pet.

I'm not gonna do your
big shop tomorrow

- 'cause I'm out of town for the weekend.
- No drama.

You got those pills
in the freezer, yeah?

I have. You gonna
watch the cricket?

- No, I'm not gonna watch the cricket.
- All right, all right.

- Text me the score, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, if you need
anything, call me.

Don't worry about me. You
just have a nice time.

- Love ya.
- Love you, too.

What... a cruddy sh*thole.

Ahh!

f*ck!

- Where's the bed?
- Sofa-bed.

Is this your house?

My friend's.

No smoking.

Enjoy your stay.

Narrator Archeologists
now believe

that Machu Picchu
was a royal estate

for In can nobles.

Others argue that it
was a religious site,

nestled deep in the mountains

and surrounded by other...

d*ck... d*ck.

d*ck, d*ck.

Diiick.

Why you wanna be like
all these dicks, dude?

Conquest of the mighty
pre-Columbian civilization

of the 16th century.

Oh, Rita.

No, no, no. No one
wants to see that.

To be inspired creatively

and spiritually by the...

f*ck you, man.

The world's most spectacular

human-made wonders.

Eh, uh!

Didn't see you there.

Mm-mm?

Do you ever feel like you're at a party
where you don't speak the language?

f*ck!

Can I have a glass
of water, please?

Got the shakes, ha.

Thanks. Ooh. Cheers.

It's the adrenaline.

Sorry.

- Uck.
- It's all that adrenaline.

So, what happens now?

You don't know, do you?

Okay.

Well, I want to go home.

Yeah?

Good luck.

f*cking hell!

Ah!

No way am I stayin' put with three
dead bodies and a creepy baby.

Well, of course the f*cking
baby's with me! f*ck!

I'm not a monster!

Well, I don't know
why it's creepy.

It's just got a creepy vibe.

Well, tell me where
the nearest station is.

I'll be there in an hour.

Oh sh...

Hm.

I'm going to take a piss,
yeah? I'll be back in a minute.

Could I use your toilet, please?

Yes, pet, through there.

Can I leave this with you?

Yeah, of course, pet, yeah.

Hello!

Pleasure to meet you.

Oh, hard work, isn't it?

This your first?

- Uh...
- Yeah. Not even the best bit, you know?

- No?
- No.

You wait till their little
personality starts to come through.

Aw, it's like...
falling in love.

You go and have five
minutes for yourself.

Go on.

We'll be just fine,
won't we? Yes.

Yeah. Ooh.

Ooh-woo-woo-woo-woo.
Ooh-woo. Yes. Ah!

Yes.

Yes, I know. Yes.

f*ck off.

Hello?

They're here.

Oh, no. I'm just
droppin' it off.

Ta-ra!

Officer Wren, take the
baby to the medical room

and get Social
Services here ASAP.

Officer Sarge, we got an
ID on yellow duffel jacket.

Sergeant Oh yeah?

Officer Lydia McNaish-Wilcox.

Sergeant Lydia McNaish-Wilcox.
That's quite a mouthful.

See if you can track
down her relatives,

and let me know when the
garage CCTV comes in.

Is this coffee?

Yes.

Got any sugar?

I'd like to go over
your statement.

Third time's the charm.

Just wanna make sure
I've got it down right:

"The woman fell from the cliff

"followed by the baby
about 10 seconds later,

which I caught like this."

Is that correct?

"I had never seen a
baby before in my life."

- "After hearing..."
- "The."

- Excuse me?
- Never seen "the" baby before.

I've seen "a" baby before.

"After hearing the crash,

"I went outside and
found the two officers

"dead in the car.

A boulder had fallen on them."

A short while later, you saw a
man k*lled by a falling shelf.

Two police officers
are dead, Natasha.

And you think I crushed 'em
to death with a boulder?

I think there's something
you're not telling me.

I think you've had a
terrible time tonight.

Four dead bodies...
That's a lot.

What do you think's going on?

We'd like to keep
you in overnight.

- Are you jokin'?
- Right now, we're just followin' the evidence.

- What power are you tryin' to arrest me under?
- We're detaining you

- under Section 136 for your safety...
- You think I'm mad?

- And that of others.
- I was just tryin' to do the right thi...

- The baby won't stop crying.
- Not my problem.

Sorry, pal, no can do.

f*ck off.

Well, this is incredibly weird.

Easy there, tiger.

Ah!

Sergeant Your story checks out.

You can go.

One second.

Aren't you forgetting something?

- Not mine.
- What am I supposed to do with it?

I can think of something.