01x02 - The Seduction

[bunniefuu]

Fooze: Ball or treat?

Come on, Bruv... choose.

- Lydia: That's stupid.
- (whining)

- Yes, Bruv. Master of his own destiny.
- (door opens)

- He is not, though, is he?
- Uh,

- Bruv chose the ball.
- Lydia: Yeah,

from a list of two
options that you gave him.

- (baby babbling)
- Hm.

- Customer: Can I have a coffee?
- No, we're closing.

Customer: Please,
just five minutes.

Um, I should go bounce

'cause there's this
thing I've gotta do.

- See ya tomorrow, Fooze.
- Legendary.

Come on, Bruv.

Cute baby.

- (Bruv barking)
- No, Bruv! Bruv.

(eerie music playing)

Here you go.

It's the end of the
day, so whatever.

Don't go.

I've got to close the kitchen.

♪ ♪

(choking)

♪ ♪

(dishes clinking, shattering)

(radio blasting rock music)

(bell dings)

Be with you in a sec!

(choking)

(sinister vocalizing)

♪ ♪

(chuckles)

♪ ♪

(truck backing up)

- (metal crashing)
- (gasps)

(babbling)

(door buzzes)

(clattering)

Why have I got 17
missed calls from you?

- Did you get my voicemail?
- No one listens to voicemail.

What's going on?

Why is there a baby here?

Right?!

I need coffee.

Don't touch it.

I've had the weirdest
24 hours, Reets.

It's been a madness.

(grinding coffee beans)

(eerie music playing)

(grinding stops)

Skinny or full-fat?

Reets?

(baby babbles)

Reets? Rita!

- I told you not to touch it!
- What...

This was a bad idea.

You know what, Reets?

I've got this. You
should just go home.

Why don't I take
him out for a walk?

You can wash, have a nap.

That's not a good idea.

We'll have a fun time
together, won't we?

Yes! Yes, we will.

Spend some fun time
with Auntie Rita.

It's good to get some
practice in before mine comes.

What?

You can trust me with your baby.

This isn't my baby, Reet.

- (chuckles) Okay.
- No, not okay.

It's not my baby.

Well... it is.

Are you all right?

If you're struggling,

there's no shame
in admitting it.

- We are all here for you.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop.

(slowly): This isn't my baby.

This isn't funny, Tash.

No, I know it's not.

- Do you want me to call anyone?
- No, because I called you.

I just meant, like...

Go on...

Go on, just say it.
I'm not annoyed.

You should call your sister.

Whew. Better out than in.

I think Bobbi would be a
good person to have around.

Cool. I don't.

Okay, we're going for a walk.

You need a shower.

No, Rita. It's not safe.

- Give me the baby.
- Every time I let myself

- get sucked up into your drama.
- Give me the baby.

- Give me the baby.
- You drag me over here in a total state,

- and then don't want my help.
- Rita, give me the baby.

In case you haven't
noticed, I've got a lot...

- Rita, give me the baby.
- On my plate, too.

- Rita, give me...
- You're being mental!

Give me the f*ckin' baby!

I'm sorry, Reets,
about all that.

I don't know why I flipped.
I think it's just, you know?

'Cause I'm fine.
Batshit, but fine.

- Maybe, you sh...
- Sorry.

Says... are you free on Friday

for pizza and Jagermeister?

Oi, get your own best mate.

Listen, I'll call
Bobbi. Promise.

You know what?

I'm just gonna wait
with you till she comes.

Seriously, can
you just f*ck off?

Okay.

Yeah.

(dramatic sting)

Are you f*ckin' with me?

(baby murmurs)

(line ringing)

- Mags.
- Mags (on phone): Hey.

Mags... stupid question.

I don't have a baby, do I?

- Mags?
- Mags: I thought you were calling to apologize.

- What?
- Mags: About poker night.

- Friday? You were an assh*le?
- Yes! Poker night.

I didn't have a baby
on poker night, did I?

'Cause I don't have
a baby... right?

Mags?

Mags: I honestly don't have
time for your weirdness today.

Look... I'm going
to the park later.

If you're puttin'
him down for a nap,

we could meet up in an hour.

Tash?

Natasha?

(eerie music playing)

I know I'm not your mum,

and you know I'm not your mum.

And I don't know
what your game is,

but I'm not playing it.

You are not gettin'
inside my head.

(baby murmurs)

♪ Into my head ♪

All right.

Let's have a look then.

How many Lydia McNaish-Wilcoxes
can there be in Bexhill?

Yes!

Home time, you little c**t.

(engine starts)

♪ ♪

(tires screeching)

(percussive music playing)

♪ ♪

(eerie music playing)

- (door opens)
- (gasps) Awesome baby.

Babies are sick.

- I'm...
- Before they've developed frameworks

for organizing concepts,

they experience the
world as raw data.

Awareness in its purest form.

- I'm...
- This baby is literally jammin'

with universal
consciousness right now.

- Have you smelled his head?
- Yeah.

It is the best
smell in the world.

- You should smell it.
- I have, thanks.

- (Bruv barking)
- Hey, Bruv. No, man.

Compadre, that is not how we do.

- (Bruv growling)
- Bruv.

Bruv, man.

I'm really sorry. He
usually loves babies.

Bruv, come here.

Here, Bruv. Get the ball.

Get the ball, Bruv.

Go on... Yeah, good boy.

I'm a friend of Lydia's.

Yeah, they just told
us this morning.

Lydia was a empress.
May she rest in power.

I got promoted, but the
truth is, management sucks.

I just feel like I'm kinda part
of the problem now, you know?

Okay. Just, like, looking
for... her family.

I've got something of hers
that I need to return.

She didn't really
speak to her family.

(door opens) - Yeah, they
were really bad racists.

Natasha: Okay, what
about a partner?

Nah, she was married
to her books.

This is actually urgent.
I'm looking for someone.

Anyone... Like, immediately.

Your baby pooped.

(sniffs)

The changing room's at the back.

Well, I can't do it. I
haven't even got a nappy.

I've got a spare one.

(baby whines)

Hey.

What's the protocol here?

Can I change your nappy?

Okay, I suppose
you'll let me know.

Okay.

(baby fussing)

We good?

No funny business, yeah?

'Kay.

(sniffs) Okay.

You're a boy.

All right, welcome
to the gender binary.

Uhh!

Ah, ah. Oh, oh.

- Ah, ah, ah.
- (guttural breathing)

Ah, ah... Oh.

(Natasha groaning)

(baby laughs)

Well, if you think it's
so funny, do it yourself!

(baby babbling)

He's just a baby.
He's just a baby.

He's just a baby.

(knocks on door)

Fooze: Is everything okay?

My sister's baby

she needs changing,
like, 25 times a day.

Yeah! She's a real poop machine.

- I've changed a baby's nappy before.
- (Bruv whimpering)

You know, my niece came
out really white as well.

Happens.

Here you go.

- Yeah, yeah.
- (Bruv whimpering)

Hey, Bruv, man.

His mother rejected
him as a pup,

so he gets mad separation
anxiety issues.

You're afraid I'm gonna
leave you, aren't you?

Yeah, Bruv, I'd never do that.

Here... ball. Get the ball.

Yeah, last time I saw Lydia
was, like, a month ago

before that crazy
sh*t went down.

What crazy sh*t?

Fooze: A customer choked
to death on a cookie.

Lydia found her.
Totally bleaked her out.

She stopped coming to work,

stopped answering her calls,

cut off all her friends.

Next thing you know, she...

f*ck!

Well... you know.

You still got sh*t on
your hands, you know?

(eerie music playing)

Whoa, same baby grow.

Wild.

- It wasn't Lydia's baby.
- Sorry?

Why didn't you tell me
that the woman had a baby?

I don't know... I forgot.

Whoa.

- 'Sup.
- What 'bout that baby?

Is that the same
baby from the CCTV?

♪ ♪

Come on, Fooze. I
need you to remember.

Fooze: I'm sorry.
Can't help you.

- (Bruv growling)
- Natasha: Yeah, you can.

Listen... that woman came
in with a baby, right?

Fooze: Think so.

Natasha: What do you
mean you think so?

- We just watched it on the video.
- (barking)

It was wearing the
same baby grow.

- (honking)
- (tires screeching)

Forgive me, queen.
Grindstone calls.

- Natasha: No, wait...
- Bruv?

Bruv?!

Bruv?

Yo, where's my home slice?

- (cars honking)
- Bruv?

Bruv!

(honking)

- Bruv!
- (tires screeching)

Fooze: f*ck!

Bruv!

♪ ♪

Bruv!

Bruv.

Truck Driver: I'm sorry.

He just... He just ran out!

Super f*cked up!

You can't just k*ll a dog.

(baby giggles)

How many people have
you done this to?

(discordant music playing)

(dramatic sting)

♪ ♪

Keep your head straight...
It's just a baby.

(baby crying)

(crying continues)

(crying continues)

(turns music on)

("Bye Bye Blackbird"
by Etta Jones playing)

♪ Gonna pack up all
my care and woe ♪

♪ Here I go, singing low ♪

♪ Bye bye blackbird ♪

♪ Where somebody waits ♪

No bullshit. I mean it.

I'm only feeding you
to keep you quiet.

Don't get any ideas.

♪ Bye bye blackbird ♪

What'd ya think? Should
have more garlic?

Nah, you're right.

♪ Oh, what hard-luck stories ♪

(sniffs)

(door buzzes)

(eerie music playing)

Mama. Mama.

Mama...

(tires screeching)

(line ringing)

Bobbi (on phone): Hello?

Is that you, Natasha?

Natasha?

(call ends)

(wind blowing)

♪ ♪

(baby crying)

(heavy breathing)

f*ck am I doing?

(dramatic music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(crying)

(music ends)

(crying)

(baby crying)

♪ ♪

(shushing) It's okay.

Let's go back to the car.
Shouldn't have left you.

- I'm sorry. We're good, we're good.
- (crying)

Mrs. Eaves: I think
we need to talk.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪